WikiLeaks leader Julian Assange is hanging out in his British perp-castle of journalism right now, with nothing to do but get angry at newspapers for publishing details of his alleged rapes. But that doesn’t mean everyone isn’t trying to assassinate him. They totally are! Julian Assange is very excited about this. “I have a serious organisation to run. People affiliated with our organisation have already been assassinated. My work is serious.” He is serious, you guys. Stop talking about those trivial rapes those Swedes are alleging. In fact, he is so serious that he told us he has Googled himself and it returned 40 million results!
JA: Two days ago I did a search on Google for my name, some 40 million web pages have my name in it. Now, searching for my name and the word “rape”, there is some 30 mil web pages. So this has been a very successful smear.
To be fair, rape is one of only two things Julian Assange is known for. Most fameballs like him are known for only one.
And that’s why the hallowed Western institution the BBC rather petulantly pressed him about his dick. His response:
JA: I’ve never had a problem before with women. Women have been extremely helpful and generous.
Well, sort of. But if you really want to know about his sex life, you have to read later on in the interview, when he talks about the importance of staying safe during assassination role-play:
Q: Just a final thought. Do you see yourself… as some sort of messianic figure?
JA: Everyone would like to be a messianic figure without dying.
That’s the key. You save the dying for the real, not-sexy assassination. [BBC]
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"This is serious business, guys. Stop laughing and listen to me. STOP LAUGHING GODDAMNIT!!!"
I hear there are severed heads all over the fucking place.
People are actually kicking the heads out of their way as they fight to get a good seat on the underground. So many heads that poor people are turning them into head cheese/
I can't wait to see the (Un)Zipruder footage.
"Footage"?
You mean, "Two to Four Inch-age," don't you?
People affiliated with our organisation have already been assassinated
with votes?
He seems like the kind of guy that would like to google himself while he has a belt securely wrapped around his neck, slowly cutting off his air supply. Green balloons, Julian, green balloons…
You save the dying for the real, not-sexy assassination. The finger banging is for the "little death"
Alas – there goes another novel!
On a lighter note, Assange can't wait for John Laroquette to play him in the Lifetime original movie WikiRapes: The Julian Assange Story.
I wonder who will play him in the inevitable porn followup?
WikiRapes: Julie in an Ass Orgy Story
WikiLeaks: The Premature Ejaculation Collection?
Likiweeks: Orgasm of diplomacy?
Given his (prematurely) white hair, I'm think the legendary Nina Hartley as 'Julie', & the piece de resistance scene will be a meeting of opposites, 'Julie' & 'Sara Paylin' (as portrayed by Lisa Ann, naturally). There will be no hatchet to bury… But plenty of gash.
Tori Spelling better start working on he Swedish accent.
He'd basically be Dan Fielding with an Aussie accent; it works.
I can haz moar Meghan Fox playing one of the "rape by surprise" victims?
That's what Brian Austin Green calls Wednesday.
"No, no, NO! You get the sheep to edge of the cliff and THEN rip off the blindfold. This is serious business, and if you don't get the order right I will have to make this look like another assassination."
I haven't seen anyone take himself so seriously since my first husband, God's Gift To The Human Race, Honey Where's My Scotch?
Marsha?
Mom?
That doesn't work? There's no hope for any of us anymore. (at least he said "honey". tres romantique!)
We were never married.
That I remember.
About that Scotch . . . .
What a dork. I predict assassination by a thousand paper cuts.
Can you die from too many Google hits?
Is Randy Quaid and his wife staying with Assange?
Kato Kaelin definitely is.
Ah, the 90's. A simpler time, when the only thing we were afraid of was a star football player who killed his wife.
Fun Kato Fact of Interest Only to Me: his grandfather ran a liquor-store in Milwaukee, one of the many my own grandfather called on as a salesman for Blatz.
Is it me or is this guy totaling lacking any sense of humor?
He can't be guilty; no one with that kind of an oversized ego has ever raped anyone; if it were so one of the top quarterbacks in NFL would probably be an unprosecuted serial rapist.
Kobe Bryant?
HARF!
You can tell he's a real journalist because he does his reporting by Googling stuff. Wish I had a nickel for every lame-ass newspaper story that begins, "A Google search for [lame topic] returns 3,271,423 hits."
Yeah, and a serious investigative reporter is one who shows up at a presser and gets spoon fed.
I Google searched "A Google search for [lame topic] " and got over 2,000,000 hits. So now where do I collect my nickels from again?
Q: How many women have you slept with?
JA: That's a private business. Not only does a gentleman not tell, not only does a gentleman like to talk about his private life, a gentleman certainly doesn't count.
Q: Many, without being specific?
JA: I've never had a problem before with women. Women have been extremely helpful and generous.
Q: Not quite the question I asked you.
1. Eewww creepy
2. Men DO count and tell everyone
3. Persistent buggers the press are in the Olde Land…nice for a change
4. Generous in what way, Charlie?
5. Eewww creepy
Generous in not prosecuting up to this point
i never told everyone, but i did tell.
i heard this interview this morning and all i could think was "i really don't want to hear anything more about julian assange's sex life. i really really don't".
I don't want to hear anything about anybodies sex life.
My own sex life is already freaking me out enough.
1. Okay
2. Well, I suppose we do count, but I — for one — have never told (even when I was a young gentleman). Why would you? I mean, I guess I can understand lying, but why would you broadcast the truth?
3. Journalistic persistence is really good, but is this a particularly useful topic?
4. All of them, Katie.
5. Okay
Look, Assange provides an excellent illustration of why I now buzz cut my hair (although he's twenty-ish years my junior). And he clearly has a "healthy" ego, and he may (this is still at the allegation stage) have let that get out ahead of him.
But Wikileaks has actually attempted to do something useful, which is to illustrate the foam of secrecy that has permeated all national governments — even ours, where that's not supposed to happen. Generally, the content they've released has been profoundly unsurprising, but the question that should inspire is "Why the fuck were our elected / appointed representatives so determined to suppress it?"
I do not suggest that old Jules could stand some making fun of. But if we do that without recalling the context, the whole Wikileaks phenomenon will fade away, just like eight years of Clinton (except for the blow jobs).
Amen.
Surely, taking Assange's ego down a peg is fair game, but that doesn't negate in the least that this is an oh so obvious payback smear campaign, and I guess we shouldn't lose sight of that.
Generally, I think he's a big boy. And surely, he must have imagined when you poke the most powerful nation in the world with a stick you're bound to get a reaction that's less than corrigible. But the US and its allies abusing their power by siccing local and international law enforcement agents on the guy is shameful and indefensible.
Run, Jules, Run.
If he googled his name and dickhead he'd get 50 mil hits.
Damn, I should have thought of telling women people are out to assassinate me. It has to be a better pick-up line than quoting Somerset Maugham. Plus there is the whole "we need to do it now, I could be dead by morning" angle.
Somerset Maugham is trying to assassinate me.
Finally journalism has its own Gary Busey….
Knocking Bill-O out of the spot?
"More and more minutes are added to my day where I think, 'Man I shoulda thought all this shit through a little bit better,' but ya know I have an ego to feed."
If he's really gonna run a serious organization he needs to get a new typewriter. Or maybe one of those personal computers.
If he would have just stuck to "googling himself" he wouldn't be in all this trouble.
"Everybody wants to be a messiah without dying" is a pretty fucking funny comeback actually. Assange for the win!
They would also want to be a creepy social cripple without being outed as such.
Assange is creepy, but there's not even a charge against him right now, and yet Britain was willing to hold him in jail without bail. On the other hand, the BBC interviewer can't seem to tell the difference between a government being outraged that its illegal dealings are made public by a guy with a website vs. Assange's protest against Sweden leaking lurid details about a sexual assault inquest. And in the battle of skeevy creepy people, I'm still siding with Wikileaks over Sweden and the BBC.
Yeah, I don't get all the indignation.
Assange is a creepy ego-maniac. Gasp!
Well, of course he is, Wikileaks isn't "Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood."
And it wouldn't help Sweden's case if some creepy bastard from our recent past were involved in the prosecution either — like Karl Rove for instance.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day to light up a neighbor
Permission to engage?'
Permission to engage?
Wait! You didn't think Mr. Rogers was creepy?
I think he Googled "ass**le" by mistake.
Easy to see how that could happen.
He would have gotten way more hits.
Somebody should tell this guy that having someone yell "Nerd!" at you does not count as 'assassination'.
Finger banging?
This man needs to be pied.
Pied. With the cow variety.
I Googled Kim Kardashian and piss and got 30 million results. Does this mean that Julian Assange is trying to be a fame whore as well? If so all he needs now is a sexy sex tape and he will be as famous as Paris Hilton.
I googled Julian Assange and Kim Kardashian and got 1,410,000 results. Maybe he already made that sex tape with a fellow fame whore…
Shorter Julian Assange: "Bork, Bork, Bork!"
How come there are no vicious rumors that Julian Assange is just an over-the-top promo creation for a new direction in the Twilight Saga? Lascauxcaveman, yer from over Forks way. Have you heard anything about this?
Good lord, sometimes I wish we all get EMP nuked from orbit.
No more blogosphere, no more Facebook, Twitter, and fame whores like Palin and this pale ass James Bond villain lookin muthafucka.
My fond hope is that. as happens every so often, the earths magnetic poles will flip over erasing all this crap in the process.
There is hope. Solar max is coming.
Oh, Juli..googling your name is one of those things you are not supposed to admit in public – it's just like admit to playing D&D, being a High School newspaper editor, or measuring your peen size!
Shorting "Julian" to "Juli" here was confusing, since at first it looked like you were talking about Wonkette's former intern-turned-editor.
Leave Julian alone! *cries*
Many Bothans died to bring Assange his information, you know.
I tried it out and got 59,700,000 hits without "rape" and just over 3 million with "rape", Close to 30 million if you add "sex" in place of "rape". Anyway, Google totals are notoriously inaccurate, so the whole thing is largely irrelevant.
thank you, JA, but i would rather not be a messianic figure, dead or alive.
"Some people hope to achieve immortality through their work, or through their children. I hope to achieve immortality by not dying" –W. Allen
happy new year to the wonketties, mr. and mrs. america, and all the ships at sea.
Their condoms have also been vandalized.
Is a perp-castle anything like a pup-tent?
Does anyone ever complain that Jesus had a messianic complex?
The Romans.
speaking as a female, i would not have sex with that man.
Would any woman not being paid to be extremely helpful and generous?
I mean, I would imagine most hookers tend to be helpful when you're holding a crackrock/$100 bill/whorediamond-encrusted truck nutz in front of them.
Speaking as a human being, I'm not even sure if I'd shake his hand.
Love your work, dude, but you're creepier than the weirdest of weird uncles.
As another human being, I'd shake his hand. And say thanks.
Invite him for a drink? Mmm, maybe yes, maybe no. That's why you have to actually meet people.
BTW, you apparently have really normal uncles.
You're trying way too hard.
I'm super serial, you guys. Man-Bear-Pig is real; he's out there assassinating my people. Serially you guys!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if all those self centered people who take themselves so seriously in Bergman movies were real?
Well, now you know.
"People affiliated with our organisation have already been assassinated. My work is serious."
I don't think NAMBLA counts as serious.
There is a reason why James Bond types are reclusive and taciturn, Julian; too late now.
Hmmm…well, according to BoingBoing, Assange was referring to the 2009 deaths of two Kenyan human-rights activists who had reported on extrajudicial killings by Kenyan police. No idea how much they were actually involved with Wikileaks, or whether WL just republished their stuff, or what…
OK, I'm willing to look at this further; even if the guy is a bit weird and full of himself, that doesn't mean he isn't also on the side of the good guys.
Julian is on Julian's side
Is he counting the condoms among those assassinated?
The BBC question: Q: Not quite the question I asked you.
The proper answer: Fuck you and your crap government owned media empire.
Assange and Brett Favre should get together and compare tips on ego inflation.
At least Brett used to be able to throw a football and get millions of dollars to do it. With Assange I have not detected any discernable talent; athletic or intellectual. Well except for of his ability to cum so hard he shot out the end of the condom.
is by "assassinated" he mean tricked by two hot Swedish ladies to have some fun?
What kind of girl do you think we are?
"#1 … with a BULLET!"
Srsly
He didn's say "assassinated", he said "Assangeinated". By now I think we all know what that means.
Assangeinated sounds like the height of unpleasantness. It sounds like it smells of Axe body spray and bourbon, and it sounds like it feels squishy and underwhelming. **shudders**
Almost rhymes with "exsanguinated." Nice!
That was totally not the way to answer that last question whose answer should read: Of course I don't see myself as some kind of messiah.
That reporter just got Assanged. Julian = Fail on that one.
Given that various prominent Americans have threatened his life, he probably is in danger.
Is Julian Assange the person who was seen leaving Lindsey Graham's house?
How does he keep those dreamy snow-colored bangs so bouncy? Morning showers in liquidised secrets instead of water? Sexually harassing Swedes?
Comon' liberal media, WE MUST FIND OUT!
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