This guy is ashamed of his favorite country. He LOVES the death penalty.The total number of people executed by states and the federal government fell by 12 percent this year, according to a new study on America’s lack of balls. It’s now at the lowest level since 1976, when the Supreme Court decided it was legal once again for governments to do their favorite thing: Killing their own citizens, many of whom turn out later to be guilty of no crime. This is perhaps the most glaring sign that this country has lost its trademark murderous masculinity. But maybe not: It turns out many states have had trouble paying for today’s modern killing supplies, and shortages of lethal injection drugs caused five states to postpone or even cancel their prisoner execution shows. American governance is in absolute crisis right now. It is incapable of killing enough of its citizens.

But at least Texas is doing its part:

Texas led the nation with 17 of the 46 executions carried out this year in the United States. The total is down from 52 in 2009 and less than half the number put to death in 1999.

It is just disgusting that some states think they can get away with not murdering people. The most important part of any social contract is that a government can kill its citizens when it feels like it.

Texas is going to have to start just rounding up minorities it finds on the streets, putting them through quick five-minute trials, and shooting them on the spot. That is the only way we are going to get these death penalty figures where they need to be. [Reuters via The Awl]

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  • CapeClod

    Who needs fancy killing supplies? Whatever happened to the giant catapult and brick wall technique?

    • That's always been my beef on the death penalty. It's too expensive, with those limitless appeals and all the pricey lawyering and judging and whatnot. Feeding and clothing a prisoner for life is cheap to compared to all that BS.

      I don't give a shit if they want to off the truly guilty party, but since half the time they get that part wrong, too, it just ain't worth the price.

      • GOPCrusher

        They need to make it a 49.95 Pay Per View event. I imagine that they could get good numbers of Republiklans that would like to choke the chicken while watching someone receive a lethal injection. And if they were a minority, sales would skyrocket.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The British used to tie Indian rebels to cannons. Now, that's sport!.

    • Preferred Customer

      Have you tried getting a brick wall built recently? Damn masons are all either union members or immigrants. Both make death penalty proponents uncomfortable.

    • chicken_thief

      Jes' build the danged wall!!!

  • Beowoof

    Would that be because Rick Perry is busy planning Texas secession from the union? I am sure Texas will be back on track in the new year.

  • prommie

    Thats why we need the death penalty, people. Jesus got the death penalty the first time he came to earth, and we need to have the death penalty in place for when he comes back. Although, come to think of it, the "christians" would probably be so enraged by what he would tell them, that they'd probably lynch him, rather than waiting for the gubmint to get around to prosecuting him.

    • Sheesko

      Imagine the Second Coming birthers: no father's name on the birth certificate (he whose name cannot be uttered and all that), born in Bethlehem but claiming Nazareth citizenship and I'm willing to bet Joseph never coughed up his census form, either.

      • SorosBot

        Now he must have filled the census forms, because when the baby Jesus was born Joseph had traveled to Bethlehem for the empire-wide census ordered by Emperor Augustus that for some reason was never mentioned in the many records maintained by Rome, just in this story written a century or more later, and which required all Roman subjects to return to the land of their ancestors even though that makes no fucking sense.

        But it was convenient, as it meant Jesus "of Nazareth" was still born in Bethlehem, as the old Jewish prophecies foretold of the messiah!

      • GunTotingProgressive


    • GOPCrusher

      What if Mary had gotten an abortion?

      • Muscular Jesus embryo would of kicked the abortionist's ass.

    • transfatz

      If they fast-track the infant meek and mild 2.0 they can save money by using a smaller cross.

  • Buzz Feedback

    States too "distracted" by all the gheyz to do any killing.

    • bitchincamaro2

      Your avatar quote is prescient. Huzzah.

    • time for some new mandatory minimums!

      for mexicans, that is.

  • bflrtsplk

    A couple of pieces of good, solid wood and a handful of nails will do the trick. Time to get back to basics, I say. Oh, don't forget the $39,000 military issue hammer.

  • mereoblivion

    Does that Texas total include Santa yesterday?

  • SecretMuslin

    I wish this reduction in executions was due to some improvement in our nature as a people, but no!! In fact, I believe Oklahoma has recently turned to using veterinary medicines to satisfy its state-sanctioned bloodlust. Can't let a simple drug shortage stop us from the sweet, sweet killing!!

  • Kidneys4Sale

    One might think there would be a greater uproar from the conservos on this one, but for the time they are placated by the increased number of poorz who are offing themselves/dying in alleys due to economic desperation (market-based solutions).

  • the_problem_child

    They could probably save some money by reusing syringes. (Just trying to be helpful.)

    • bflrtsplk

      Why do they need a clean needle for an execution anyway? To reduce the chance of an infection?

      • HistoriCat

        Why do they prevent suicides on Death Row?

        • bflrtsplk

          It's against the law, don't you know. That wouldn't stop some death row suicidee from having his lawyer plead not guilty after the fact.

        • Negropolis

          'Cause then they couldn't get off on the death like they can a murder.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is the rubbing alcohol and cotton swab actually necessary?

  • jim89048

    This industry will remain in the doldrums until the ghey Hollywood writers can come up with a reality TeeVee show palatable enough to sell to the sponsors.

  • slappypaddy

    "Texas is going to have to start just rounding up minorities it finds on the streets, putting them through quick five-minute trials, and shooting them on the spot."

    don't think they won't do that.

    • mavenmaven

      They did already, remember Tulia?

    • HistoriCat

      Fuck that trial shit. If we're going to go old school, we should just kill them and find them guilty after the fact.

      • slappypaddy

        there once was a peaceful country named jugoslavia…

      • gvvt

        If we're killing 'em, it's obvious that they're guilty. What do you need to "find"?

      • bflrtsplk

        Then read in the NY Times that somebody else did it.

    • ttommyunger

      Don't think they DON'T do that, and not just in Texas.

      • zhubajie

        Been doing it for a long time, haven't they?

        • ttommyunger

          Sadly, yes, but lately it is like open season on citizens. I never dreamed of shooting someone who pulled a knife on me. Had it happen, did not even go for my gun, talked him out of it. (Retired cop, you know) This shit is crazy nowadays.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Fuck "killing supplies". O.D. the poor buggers on America's water, what with the Chrome-6 poison I been reading about. That shit is free!

  • chascates

    We can always ask Mexican drug gangs to behead them for us.

  • slithytoves

    For a moment there I thought it was Easter. Stop fucking around with my holidays, Jack.

    • deanbooth

      Me too — I thought this post was going to be about Wonkette's famous Easter lasagna.

  • V572625694

    Given that neither can be shown to reduce crime, it's hard to understand the difference between capital punishment and human sacrifice. "Hear us, O gods! And know that we give you the life of Timothy McVeigh, and beseech you not visit any more such persons upon us!"


    See? It worked!

    • gvvt

      Lethal injection. "This may sting a little…"

  • PhilippePetain

    But I thought America's Dick was growing?! You're sending me mixed messages here, Wonkette.

    • Digital_Gravy

      That "Dick" is Cheney I take it. I've come to the conclusion our Covernment is not (as Jack Stuff) says "balls") growing balls or Dicks anymore but has become one big smelly Pussy! Don't believe me? Just look at who's in the Bla** 'er, I mean White House.

  • They could skip the chemical cocktail. What if they would strap the prizners in a chair and make them watch Glenn Beck until it killz them. Would that meet Scalia & Thomas krewl & unusual muster?

    • bitchincamaro2

      That's pampering, in the court's opinion. "Mollycoddling" is the legal term, I think.

      • SorosBot

        I'd like to know more about this pampering of prisoners.
        -David Vitter

        • bflrtsplk

          Well, Dave, they put the prisoners all in Pampers you see? Voila, Pampered.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      that kind of punishment is a crime against humanity…you can't even make slaughterhouse turkeys watch Glenn Beck until it kills them. After all, they're "sendin' prisoners to hell" not trying to turn them into dumbass wingnuts; besides if this plan was initiated you'd have to make sure they couldn't bite their own tongues off or use some other exotic means to self-execute. Either way, you'd be playing with an international criminal tribunal similar to the Nuremberg Trials.

      • zhubajie

        Beck would make'm pay some how. Reps are too cheap to use him that way.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    But we are continuing to execute poor black men, right?

  • freakishlywrong

    Faster Wingnuts Kill! Kill!

  • I'm not surprised. Things went to shit after W became Preznit because Tejas wasn't killing as many of the retarded and ladies.

    • Ducksworthy

      Heh Heh "Pleeeze Governor Bush pleeze don't kill me." Pleeze. Heh Heh. Heh.
      Amurikka elected this contemptible sadist president, at least that one time, maybe.

  • SayItWithWookies

    BP was picking up the slack for a while there, but the evil Obama administration stopped them — this respect-for-the-worker fad is getting entirely out of control.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It is just disgusting that some states think they can get away with not murdering people. The most important part of any social contract is that a government can kill its citizens when it feels like it.

    Well, the social contract between management and labor was unilaterally abrogated decades ago. It's not surprising that some other social contracts would be breached as time marched on.

    Seriously, nothing teaches that killing is wrong like the government killing you when you commit murder. Next thing you know, this country will start showing signs of entering the 20th century.

    • HistoriCat

      Entering through the exit? Getting off the highway via the entrance ramp?

      19th Century here we come!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Well when Rick Perry is forced to shut down Medicaid, I hope Texans remember it's for a good cause. In this economic climate, you can't afford to waste money to keep people alive when there is so much killing to be done.

  • hagajim

    BAH! States don't have to kill us anymore because we are all starving to death…except Sarah cause she can shoot her meat. All I can do is shoot my load and I'm too weak to do that right even.

    • jim89048

      If it cost me 6 bullets per caribou, I'd go broke pretty quick. Then I'd be forced to just club them, like a halibut.

    • bflrtsplk

      I shot my meat. Man, that hurts!

  • CapeClod

    I've been gone a couple of weeks. When did we all get our pee points back?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Oddly enough, right after you left.

    • LetUsBray

      Yeah, our pee points rose from the dead. Wonkette is confusing Easter and Christmas AGAIN.

    • user-of-owls

      That depends. You upper or lower Cape? The algorithm now has some sort of neap tide component added in. So if you're down past Brewster or so, your pee should be good. And the lower, the better. Why do you think they call it Pee Town?

      • CapeClod

        Interesting theory. And by interesting, I mean it might be time to increase your meds.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It was a Christmas Miracle! There will be a Hallmark Special about it next year.

  • MistaEko

    This proves that America is morally weak.

    • Extemporanus

      President Obama does not believe in American executionalism.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Well lessee here, Georgie Bush doesn't have a title anymore, so he can't conflict more of this pain anymore (at least, directly.) But allow the GOP to take over the Senate and the White House in 2012, and by God this egregious lack of Executional Exceptionalism will be righted.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Well then, it seems that Texas gets a nice fat bonus this year.

  • Pragmatist2

    Better dying through chemistry.

  • SorosBot

    The murder has been dropping too, so like the government America's citizens are failing at killing each other. At least Jan Brewer has taken up the slack by passively killing people who need organ transplants.

    • Ducksworthy

      Gotta love the guy who said "I ain't votin' for no Republican. They haven't cared about me since I was a fetus." Denying organs to the already borned? Meh, that's Jeebus' way.

  • hockeymom

    Death Panels, indeed.

  • Extemporanus

    On the bright side, last words of "GET A BRAIN MORANS!!" are up 37%.

  • fuflans

    there was a reason i didn't see that movie.

  • HempDogbane

    "Come down off the cross, we could use the wood…"

    • DashboardBuddha

      I was just playing that. Well done.

  • neiltheblaze

    Rick Perry will start executing those criminals with wanton abandon now that he's perceived to be a slacker. Wait. What DNA evidence?

    • OOPS! Just a little too late getting to the courthouse.

      Better luck next time.

  • prommie

    Dirty hippy, commie, radical, weirdo, whoremonger, heretic, unamerican, Kenyan halfrican?

  • The entire concept is disgusting, antiquated and barbaric.

    Just send the condemned into the desert with some bird seed and a pair of ACME Rocket Skates and see if he can live off the roadrunner population.

  • blinky_twinkie

    Does Lady GaGa know that Jesus raids her closet??

  • bureaucrap

    They also win extra horror points for their classification of "high school football" under "Art, Culture, and the General Superiority of Western Civilization."

  • DashboardBuddha

    Was that a scene from the Passion of Mel Gibson? Thank god I read the book and skipped the movie. Seriously though…that is some hardcore Christian S&M Pron right there.

    • HempDogbane

      With Slow Motion Scourging, a new film technique developed by Mel.

      • DashboardBuddha

        There's no stopping that guy! Didn't he invent the WhipCam?

    • zhubajie

      Catholicism is the most S&M of all religions!

      • DashboardBuddha

        Having some experience with the Sisters, I'd have to agree.

  • Neilist

    I warned you people this would happen once ammunition prices went up.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Fuck, a buck forty-five a round?

  • ttommyunger

    And yet Texas is one of the fastest growing States in the Country according to the recent Census. Who can figure this shit out?

    • zhubajie

      Because they're not being executed fast enough?

      • ttommyunger

        Hadn't thought of that.

  • transfatz

    We need Mel Gibson as our new "death czar". We might not get any more executions but they will be more satisfyingly messy.

  • transfatz

    No killing supplies needed.

  • Negropolis

    A Jew? But, in the purely literal and non-derogatroy kind of way?

    • StillGoinGreen


  • Negropolis

    I'm so damned glad that Michigan was the first state in the nation to abolish capital punishment way back in 1846, while they were still hanging Indians across the river over in Canada. Really, no snark here, it's one of the things I'm most proud about this state, and we've beat back every time attempts by our local wingnuts to try and reinstate it. Suck on that Michigan GOP, suck on it hard and like it.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    I've never been able to make sense of the enthusiasm for the death penalty. Yes, there are crimes that are so heinous that they deserve extreme punishment, both for the (very debatable) deterrent value and for plain simple revenge.

    But who can seriously think that life without possibility of parole is not extreme punishment?

    1. The perp is permanently removed from society, and his/her life is reduced to that of a pigeon in a Skinner box. Without the drama of the big execution scene. This has got to be as deterrent as the death penalty, to any potential criminal that has the brainpower to contemplate being deterred. And it deters recidivism 100%, just like death.

    2. If you were convicted of a capital crime — and you knew you were, in fact, guilty, so you're not getting cleared by Raymond Burr — would you opt for decades in the bizarre "civilization" of prison, or would you prefer a quick trip to the vet? To be honest, I might choose living for a while, because I haven't read everything yet, and also, I'm 63 already. If I were 23, and looking at fifty years as the low man in the totem pile, I might have a different opinion.

    3. Administratively, the average expense of the court proceedings to accomplish an execution is higher than the expense of housing the average prisoner for his/her natural life. Either of these number dwarfs the cost of the fucking chemicals by many orders of magnitude, so I have no idea what that theme in the storyy is supposed to mean. And, for any potential death-trolls, the solution to this is not to "streamline" the legal process — the reason the legal process is so expensive is that there have been so fucking many cases where they executed the wrong guy.

    4. Speaking of that, a side benefit of LWPP is that if — as happens more and more often — advances in forensic science lead to determining that some capital convict is not actually guilty, it is possible to organize a pardon, or to vacate the conviction, and the wrongfully-imprisoned person is STILL ALIVE.

    5. Despite a lifetime of playing Mr. Rational, I consider some crimes so evil that they appear to deserve drawing and quartering, or equivalent (I've got this idea with grappling hooks….). Nevertheless, I advocate permanent incarceration instead. Even if we had the technology to subject evildoers to excruciating pain for uninterrupted years on end, it would not undo the effects of their crimes. It would just mean we were sadists.

    6. A theological aside. For those who believe in an afterlife, with rewards and punishments: what difference does it make if a capital criminal is executed or dies naturally in fifty years? Eternity is, well, infinitely longer than fifty years. Eternal punishment is eternal. It doesn't matter infinitesimally if its start is delayed by any amount at all.

    For those who do not so believe: Is there any advantage to killing people rather than imprisoning them for life?

    Sorry, this has turned into another snark-free comment. Too much X-shopping for me today, perhaps.

    Ham-Buttsecks, WALMARTS! Fucking Twatbillies, How do they work?

    • zhubajie

      In the remoter past, public executions were spectacles, very entertaining for the spectators. In the '80s, the Cincinnati Enquirer used to editorialize for public executions to be revived at least once a year. (Some said it was their only idea to get an entertainment district, once the hookers were chased off Vine St.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The 90s were when it really rocked, W and Jeb in brotherly competition to see who could kill the most death row inmates. Ol' Sparky in FLA just couldn't keep up with George's Chrome-Plated Syringe of Destiny.

  • easynewz

    You know who else was constantly looking for cheaper and faster executions?

    • SorosBot

      Joseph-Ignace Guillotine?

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