the great tally-marking

Census Allocates 6 More Crazy Members of Congress To Florida, Texas

The blue states are actually Red States.The 2010 Census results have come out, communistically, today, and according to The New York Times, “Bureau officials declared that the United States population had grown to 308,745,538 million over the last decade.” 308,745,538 million? That is 308,745,538,000,000 people! Wow! States in the Midwest and Northeast are losing both seats in the House of Representatives and electoral votes, while states in the South and Southwest have made gains. Texas picked up four; Florida, two. So from now on, Florida will have an even greater ability to hold presidential elections hostage with its stupidity, and Congress will focus primarily on how to give sex offenders the death penalty while simultaneously increasing their Second Amendment rights.

And now redistricting will begin, and — oh look, suddenly Republicans control everything!

On the surface, the Republicans would seem to have the advantage. Most of the states winning seats trend Republican, and most of those losing them tend to elect Democrats. What is more, Republicans will be in a strong position to steer the process, with Republican governors outnumbering Democrats 29 to 20, with one independent, come January. Republicans also gained control of at least 18 legislative chambers in the midterms last month.

This will be done fairly, with no gerrymandering whatsoever. And that means giving Ben Quayle two seats in the House. [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. SmutBoffin

      What about the spirochetes inhabiting the loins of Our Republican Rulers? They will make out quite well.

    1. nicnack74

      Good thing they voted for the DREAM Act. I can't wait to see the gerrymandered map to justify population representation in Texas.

  1. BeWoot

    The less ugly opinion is that Red states gained population in their Blue areas. Of course, outrageous gerrymandering will still save the country from the cancer of sweet reason.

    1. SorosBot

      And that population gain is mostly of the people hated by Jan Brewer, as the racist olds continue to die off; once they reach a critical point things should change for the better in our Western states.

  2. weejee

    alt text fail.

    Yes, the census folks have decided that the Soviet of Washington will get one more of those congressional peoples, so one of Jack's red states is actually "blue". Most of the hemorrhage is from blue states, but we can pretend that our vote came from DuPage County in Illinois. And yes, it will be dropped in the blue I-5 corridor, but not here in C'Addle. Who needs sunshine when we're already ultraviolet?

  3. metamarcisf

    Seeing that both Texas and Florida are hotbeds of so-called (to steal a Foxnews malapropism) illegal immigration, it would appear that their population increases are somewhat bogus. According to the constitution, congressional representation must be based on the number of legal citizens. So if they want to increase their nutjob representation they have to grant citizenship to everybody or else go back to current levels of so-called nutjob representation.

  4. inapewetrust

    this sums up the obama years pretty well thus far:

    1. hire census workers, as is always done, every decade. be accused of "expanding bureaucracy", artificially inflating employment numbers, general socialism.
    2. michele bachmann tells people to not even fill out the census, so that obama's shock troops won't know where to hunt you down when the socialism starts, or whatever. people are bananas.
    3. net result of this endeavor: texas and florida and south carolina and nevada and arizona and motherfuckin utah get more seats in the house.


      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Bullshit on your bullshit. Our Seattle insufferable hipsters are a higher grade than your Portland insufferable hipsters. Older and wealthier, too. Has something to do with relative real estate prices, I'm told.

        1. PhilippePetain

          Fair enough. High grade hipsters who vote are a certain caliber of insufferable that I couldn't even try to contend with. Your run of the mill PBR bike Nazi can be handled, but when you get the wealthy ones pontificating on horeshit for twenty minutes you're just fucked.

      2. Trinket

        I live in Seattle. They vote here. The poor ones disseminate Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets outside the grocery stores, and the rich ones are all objectivist Paultards.

    1. HistoriCat

      I'm assuming a lot of that loss if NO residents who left after Katrina and never came back. If that's true, then maybe some of the demographics in Texas can overcome gerrymandering and give Ds some more chances to fuck things up win some seats here.

  5. bumfug

    Calm down, it won't be long until Red State people are like farm turkeys – too fat to fuck and totally dependent on artificial insemination to breed.

      1. MsQuasimodo

        It is hardest in these red states to obtain contraception and abortions, and comprehensive sex ed, so they have a correspondingly high teen pregnancy and high unplanned pregnancy rate. This was the master plan of their overlords: forced pregnancies, larger population, more Congressional seats.

  6. BorderJumper!

    And it was only two years ago that we were celebrating the apparent GOP demise…little did we know…

  7. Chet Kincaid

    Stuef of all people should not be picking on anyone else's typos.

    However the sting of Layne's lash every 20 minutes as he drives the boy to churn out more posts might discombobulate his typing, so I don't hold it against him.

  8. James Michael Curley

    I've tried to warn every Jersey Girl for years about this. But "We'll lose representation in the House." is a lousy pick up line.

    1. Trinket

      That would TOTALLY work on me. But then, I LOOK like the sort of girl that would work on, so probably nobody would bother to try it on me in the first place.

  9. chickensmack

    All I see is more people piling into states that:

    1. believe in God enough to remove evolution from books
    2. are supported wholly by gambling and pussy as industry
    3. don't let whites dance with blacks
    4. forced Lindsey Graham into a closet
    5. …really?! Washington state?!
    6. is known pejoratively as the redneck riviera, and the dick of America

    Maybe the influx is our reinforcements, and we're going to D-Day the Jesus out of 'em.

  10. Plowmon

    Maybe they'll band together in an answer to the 'No Labels Party'. I hereby suggest 'Rascals Party' in recognition of the brilliant American technology that propels most of these folks around tea-y events…

  11. Chet Kincaid


    "But population gains in the South and West were driven overwhelmingly by minorities, particularly Hispanics, and the new districts, according to the rules of redistricting, will need to be drawn in places where they live, opening potential advantages for Democrats, who tend to be more popular among minorities."

    Might have been worth mentioning.

  12. V572625694

    308 trillion Americans…talk about xceptionalism! We're number 1! USA!

    Would it just destroy J-school enrollment if the baby journasaurs and "mass communications" majors had to take one math class? Took a screen shot of that one to amuse my elitist friends who know how to count.

    1. V572625694

      Turn on the old backup warning. Beeep, beeep, beeep!

      It's all right, the dogs'll still hear that whistle.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      She would first have to have first thoughts. Senseless yammerings coming out of her piehole don't count.

    1. weejee

      Don't even think of going there or we'll be totally fucked. Bullshit and waddling are red state delights as much as hush puppies and pecan pie. If they allocated votes by the pound Nebraska and Oklahoma would be getting big jumps. What if we did it by IQ?

  13. Lucidamente1

    Maybe they could work out some kind of formula, I don't know, counting Texans as 3/5 of a person.

  14. V572625694

    Now would be a good time to think about apportioning the Senate by population instead of by state, thereby ending our historic legacy of overrepresented rural-tards imposing their bigotry on the rest of us. Sounds impossible, I know, but that's what they said about the three-fifths rule too, and all it took to change that was the bloodiest war in our glorious history of bloody wars.

    At moments like this I have to go read Lincoln's Second Inaugural to calm down

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      It's always a good time to think of that, but unfortunately it would need an amendment, and the legislature in at least one of the 13 lowest-pop states (who benefit richly from their extra double good Senate power) would have to vote for it.

      Ha. Ha. (or in the spirit of the season, Ho Ho Fucking Ho).

      I'm afraid this is one that the Framers just fucked up. (Damn their inability to know how freaking big the continent is, and how much of it is marginally inhabitable. Fucking precognition! How does it work?)

  15. DeeJayKitteh

    I blame the liberal wimmens for not being willing to pump themselves full of hormones and have litters of children, like our southern and midwestern folk.

  16. LeAlbatross

    I'm sorry. I worked for three phases of the Census. I did everything they told me to do, exactly how they told me to do it…and now, this. I…I am ashamed…

    [goes to cabinet, gets bottle of gin to drown sorrow]


    The Good: Idaho does not gain seats.
    The Bad: Does Ron Paul have any other kids?
    The Ugly: Russell Pearce or Jan Brewer crash Congress from Arizona.

    1. HistoriCat

      Not in Houston – we're flirting with our record high of 81 degrees. Of course, Houston is "liberal" by Texas standards, so it's not yet to the point of putting a gun to my head.

    2. prommie

      Nobody wants to move to Texas because its full of fucking Texans. Nope, the dream of every Ratso Rizzo since the invention of air conditioning has been to move to Florida or Arizona.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Now, now, quit whining about the Evergreen state. We haven't gone Republican since 1994, and countered the trend this year. Plus, unlike Florida, we have never fucked up a national election.

  19. OneDollarJuana

    Don't worry too much about Washington. The majority of the sane people live in four counties and vote fairly liberally on a Federal basis. Unfortunately for us, as with all liberals, we subsidize the conservative counties even though they think it's the other way around.

  20. OneDollarJuana

    In a perusal of the demographic changes and anticipated global climate change impacts, it looks like all those conservatives moving to the South are going to be just a bit closer to hell.

  21. voodooeconomics

    Whatyatalkingbout? I am from Florida and we like them stupid and barefoot. New governor's company ripped off $ 2 bils (billion) from social security before they got a hold of them.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I don't know whether to be relieved that other states are as retarded as Oklahoman, or really, really sad that other states are as retarded as Oklahoma.

      BTW–Has anyone noticed that the nice person from Oklahoma who tried to be a wonkeratti disappeared after the night s/he posted: there are some very fine people in OK? And everyone, including me, answered that it didn't matter because our collective contribution was full of shit? And dangerous, moran, shit at that?

      I was just thinking about that because we've been in the wonket news and because I was hoping that Oklahoma would lose a seat. It would have been the finest Xmas gift we could give Sane America, if there is still such a place.

  22. JackObin

    Well, all the fat retards are getting what they asked for, I guess. Stupidity, religion, hatred and gluttony rule the day for this lost nation. At least we have that new tv show devoted to bad dancing, hosted by that fat Paula girl with the legs like Don Nottingham.

  23. ChessieNefercat

    It just doesn't seem right that the places that screeched the loudest about the commie census actually get rewarded. Where's a little corruption when you need it?

    I am waiting for the baggers to jump up and down squawking about how this is proof that crooked urban Acorn was running the census. Oh, uh, never mind.

  24. MiniMencken

    Giving four more representatives to Texas will allow Wonkette's editors that much more opportunity for laugh-a-minute snark-a-thons, as almost no normal people are allowed into the Texas Congressional delegation (cf: Louie Gohmert above).

  25. arihaya

    wait… wasn't Census actually a secret plot by communist Obama to round Rednecks in secret FEMA camps ? not to give GOP more seat !

  26. Negropolis

    So, Michigan grows 7% over the 90's and loses a seat. Michigan loses sixth-tenths of one percent of its population over the 00's and loses a seat. Meh. Considering the 800,000 jobs we lost and didn't make up much over the decade, that the state only lost 0.6% of its population is pretty amazing. So much for us going the way of Mad Max, though, we're pretty damned close.

  27. ShaveTheWhales

    Demographics, shmemographics. People are oozing from the colder bits to the warmer bits because when you aren't too bloody sure about paying the utility bill, it's better to be somewhere that a cash-flow hiccup doesn't immediately mean freezing to death.

    If the commie pinko scum (tm Neilist) Global Warming hoax turns out to be true (and, BTW, I'm now hoping that Al Gore is indeed a fraudster and all those climate scientists are on the take, because we obviously aren't gonna do fuck all about it), we'll be seeing a northward shift in a couple of decades.

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