they always take it back

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Obama Wants To Give America Back To the Indians’

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOWThe American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer writes about important religious issues, so of course his attention today has turned to the heathen American Indians who were righteously defeated by the kind, ethical, Christian cowboys. American presidents have traditionally been pro-cowboy regarding this epic struggle. But then Barack Obama got elected. “President Obama wants to give the entire land mass of the United States of America back to the Indians,” Fischer says. “He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords.” And what’s more, Obama is in league with the U.N., which owns property on the isle of Manhattan (formerly owned by Native Americans), to make this happen.

President Obama likes the “U.N. Declaration on Rights of Indigenous Peoples.” He says it can “help reaffirm the principles that should guide our future.”

The State Department added helpfully that although the declaration is not legally binding, it “carries considerable moral and political force and complements the president’s ongoing efforts to address historical inequities faced by indigenous communities in the United States.”

So here we have a document that never will become international law, but rather is a nice “we’re sorry” to indigenous groups. So: THE INJINS ARE GONNA TAKE OVER ALL OUR PROPERTY, INCLUDING THE PRECIOUS FOUR-WHEELERS OUT BACK IN THE SHED.

I see no reason why the president, after he leaves office, can’t submit himself to the authority of any Indian tribe he wants to. Perhaps he figures that, as an adopted Crow Indian, he will be the new chief over this revived Indian empire.

Perhaps, on the other hand, Bryan Fischer is insane.

This is, of course, an affront to Christmas. Was Jesus born in a wigwam, swaddled in corn husks, and given gifts of tobacco and moccasins by a few Indian lacrosse bros on their way to a cider kegger? NO. Save it for Thanksgiving, Obama. [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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132 comments

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      Yes! You should apologize, for that kind of language is obscene!

      Obscenely polite, considering what kind of deserving epithets you should rain down upon this ambulatory fucksack of leaking asshole disorders and congealed jackal jizzum, which leaves endless sickly stains (or 'editorials') upon his purported religion and species, under the name of Bryan Fischer.

  1. SorosBot

    The Indians don't deserve the land anyway, since when Jesus came to them after his crucifixion these descendants of the lost tribes of Israel didn't listen to his teachings.

  2. ttommyunger

    This moron gets nuttier every time he opens his piehole. Naturally, since he is rabidly anti-Obama, there will be those who will hang on his every verbal bowel movement, but I absurdly continue to hope that he or his supporters will somehow develop a sense of shame and simply go away. Silly me.

  3. Allmighty_Manos

    I for one welcome our new Indian overlords and look forward to job retraining so I can play a productive role in our new casino-based economy.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Jeebis – this just fucks up EVERYTHING!! I have been practicing my Mandarin Chinese for 3 years now, so now you tell me I have to learn Atikamekw??!!1!!!1!

      1. HistoriCat

        I was just assuming we would all have to flee eastwards. Here's to hoping we can make it onto a helicopter which gets us to a ship heading for Europe.

    1. SorosBot

      Bring back the Aztecs and give them fundamentalist Christians like, say, Bryan Fisher for their heart-ripping rites.

    1. Mahousu

      Seeing as the Indians haven't even been able to do much with the American League recently, I have my doubts that they're ready for all of America. Sorry.

      1. blinky_twinkie

        Seriously? Dude, they were here before we showed up, and even though they weren't a single entity or tribe but hundreds, they still as a people with similar values did MUCH better with an entire continent for at least a thousand years than we have in only two hundred and fifty years. Indigenous people didn't wipe out the North American buffalo or leave people to rot and starve in their own filth on a regular basis. Believe me, if they're not handling their own very well right now, that's as much OUR fault as it is theirs. (And I'd still trust this country in the hands of the American League sooner than I would Mitch McConnell, thank you very much.)

      1. elviouslyqueer

        But, but… you still have tom-toms beating in the background every time you talk, like the guy from Western Sky Financial, amirite?

        1. jim89048

          Yes, but it's actually just a leftover soundtrack from the Hamm's beer commercials, from the land of sky-blue waters!

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I'd like to see Mitch McConnell as the QB, but just for a few plays. Perhaps with John McCain and Lindsay Graham as offensive linemen. That's change I can believe in.

  4. PhilippePetain

    Huh….seeing as how there's about one native American for every 1.5 square miles in the U.S., it seems like this might not be a plausible thing that could happen.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      It's almost like you applied logic to the puddle of mental butt-vom that Bryan shat out onto the internet!

      It is attitudes like yours that will absolutely ruin the fearmongering christianist shriek-industry for all of America!

      …I wish.

    1. Negropolis

      Why not? They couldn't possibly run the nation any worse than the Republicans. Just so long as he doesn't give us to the Orioles, I'm fine.

  5. Bugeyes

    Actually, giving the land back to the Indians could solve the coyote infestation problem. The coyote population has grown because its natural preditor, the native American, has diminished.

  6. Blendergoathead

    I, too, will welcome our new, indigenous overlords, on one condition – we get to tie Bryan Fischer (and every teabagger we can find) to the ground somewhere on the Great Plains and run them over (repeatedly) with herds of buffalo (or monster trucks, if we can't find any more buffalo).

    And the entire NRO staff. Also.

  7. chickensmack

    That really irritates me, about how Obama would sell out to his Crow brethren. I will never abandon my Tom Servo heritage.

  8. Ruhe

    Historical claims of indigenous American tribes = bad. Historical claims of indigenous Israeli tribes = good. Got it.

    1. harry_palmer

      Historical claims of indigenous American tribes supported by mountains of irrefutable evidence that Fischer doesn't even deny = bad. Historical claims of indigenous Israeli tribes made up of ludicrous nonsense some Bronze Age cultists pulled out of their asses = good.

      Just to clarify.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    You'd think after more than five hundred years of being hunted like animals, forced off their land, wiped out, betrayed, swindled, raped, robbed, forced to walk to their new homes in tractless wastelands, abandoned and forgotten, it would be the Indians who would be bitter and resentful. But no, it's the white dude. Go fuckin' figure.

    1. V572625694

      They learned it from Rush & Co. Even when the repubes had the White House, the entire Congress and bunch of hacks on the Supreme Court in their stable, they were still acting all butt-hurt about how mean the liberals were to them. Alaskunt is the world's champion victim-whiner, sort of the apotheosis of the entire process.

    2. mumbly_joe

      You forgot "kidnapped and sent to re-education camps".

      I mean, compared to the rest of the genocide things, it does pale a bit, but let's at least be comprehensive here.

  10. Not_So_Much

    Surprising that Bryan can write anything. I presume his keyboard, like everything else he touches, is covered in his own poo.

  11. weejee

    Does this mean the corn stalk will be pulled from Chief Illiwek's heart and a zombie Chief will crawl out from the PC crypt to dance at feetsbawl games?

    1. kenlayisalive

      Nice! Will have to post link on 4chan.

      Christy: Good morning!

      Don: Cood Morning!

      Don: I have been greatly interested in Bryan Fischers blog.

      Christy: How can I help you today?

      Don: I was recently reading in the AFA blog about how Obama is going to give America back to the Indians and the UN.

      Don: I assume becasuse he is a Muslim.

      Don: Do you have any books on this topic?

      Christy: We do not, I'm sorry.

      Don: Or mugs?

      Don: Anti homosexual mugs?

      Don: with anti gay slogans?

      Don: It is christmas time, after all

      Christy: If you have any comments you would like to pass on to Bryan, please do so at comments@afa.net. If you have a question about an item we sell in our store, I am happy to help with this. Otherwise, you will need to use the e-mail address provided above.

      Don: Will I receive my order of anti-homosexual mugs by christmas time?

      Christy: Have a merry Christmas. Goodbye.

      Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

        1. kenlayisalive

          Yes! You only get one shot at this. Got booted right off on retry. IP address as I reset my session. Proxy time…

          But, if anyone wants to use my idea:

          Ask: "Do you have any books that help people who feel they might be homosexuals to change their ways through prayer?"

          and then tell them:

          "Great! The shipping address would be:

          Senator Lindsey Graham
          290 Russell Senate Office Building
          Washington, DC 20510"

    2. chickensmack

      Regarding a DVD product called What Hath Darwin Wrought, the sell lines include this nugget: "Charles Darwin loved his wife and children. He paid his taxes and he never kicked his dog. But Charles Darwin had a big idea, and ideas have consequences."

      Why are there never any notable consequences for believing in Jesus?

      1. V572625694

        Never kicked his dog? Even when he woke up late at night and had to stumble down the hall to the bathroom, if he had one?. I doubt it.

        These people will believe anything. Except science.

        1. DoktorZoom

          Dude, Darwin really, really loved his dawgses. Anecdote has it that he would warmly greet his dog when he returned home, before his wife & children.

  12. SorosBot

    The Indians have already taken half our shitty jobs, so taking over wouldn't be too tricky; besides, they make good movies, seem to have a more functional disfunctional democracy than we do, and most importantly produce the world's hottest women, so I for one welcome our new Indian overlords.

  13. nonbeliever7

    Hmmmm, unexplained fear of gays AND Indians. I'm thinking Fischer had a bad night when he wore a Village People Indian costume for Halloween.

  14. twogoats

    Just when some of y'all were wondering how Hopey was different from Ronnie Reagan.

    I mean aside from not sleeping through cabinet meetings and all.

  15. WarAndGee

    "He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords."

    No fucking way, I will not trade my Comcast, Koch, ADM, Military Industial complex overlords for some maize and moccasins.

    Thanks for your measured, reasoned, loonballery, Mr. Shit for Brains

  16. DustBowlBlues

    Has this guy not read the Book of Mormon? Everyone knows that those three unaccounted for days were when Jesus came to North America and taught the Indians about horse back riding.

    Do we not have a thread to vote for worst Xmas music, or have I just been reading V17345463737474392846583902384's complaints about Little Drummer Boy so many times that it seems like it? Whatever. This is an ethnic one, so right on topic about Indians and so forth.

    Fuck Feliz Navidad and the mormon horse Jose Feliciana rode in on. Fuck that song completely. It's like the only ethnic song whoever chooses crap Xmas music knows and they stick it in the grotesque soundtrack every 3rd or 4th song for cultural diversity, or something. MAKE IT STOP!

    1. V572625694

      ♪ ♫"Cum," they told me, "when-I'm-in-your-bum"
      "You'll like it long-and-hard right up in your bum."
      I'm just an altar boy, so isn't it dumb?
      Priests chase me night and day to get in my bum♪ ♫

      That should finish it off for everyone, and thanks for the shout out, Dusty.

  17. bumfug

    Oh, sure, take the land, suck everything good out of it and spray poison over what's left. Populate it with grotesquely obese and incredibly stupid people, then give it back. I think "kemo sabe" means "go fuck yourselves."

  18. Refudiation

    If I write incoherent, illogical and hate-filled screeds, I run the risk of getting committed or, at best, just ignored. This guy does it and gets paid. So not fair.

    1. chickensmack

      But-but-but-but you're a commentator on Wonkette. I want to express how much I love laughing here — and I mean when I must literally lay on the floor to stop hyperventilating. While it'd be nicer to get paid for it, I'm happy with this community of acerbic people.

      And he gets paid in blood dollars by people who agree with his guano-faucetry. Also.

  19. CapeClod

    "Perhaps, on the other hand, Bryan Fischer is insane."

    This becomes clearer and clearer with every article he posts.

  20. chickensmack

    Unless otherwise noted, the opinions expressed are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of the American Family Association or American Family Radio.

    The disclaimer at the end of Bryan Fischer's fucking CHRISTIAN OPINION BLOG.

    I read this as AFA's way of saying "Fuck no, we're not sticking our neck out for his pontification, even though it looks like we do, since we are giving him the depth and breadth of our Holy website."

  21. imissopus

    Years ago I briefly lived above an Indian restaurant in Boston and the entire building always smelled like curry. Is Bryan Fischer saying the entire United States will soon smell like curry? Because I don't think I could handle that.

    Palin '12 – Because Nobama Wants Us All To Smell Like Curry.

  22. NuttGobbler

    Blame it on firewater when you murdered our daughters… we forgive you, we forgive you, we forgive you!

    (And if anybody gets that reference, you're a sick fuck and I love you.)

  23. notreelyhelping

    When the story finally breaks, with television footage, of the authorities dragging his guy out of the building, his arms bound in a jacket, I will be among those less than surprised.

  24. genxr

    "I see no reason why the president, after he leaves office, can’t submit himself to the authority of any Indian tribe he wants to. Perhaps he figures that, as an adopted Crow Indian, he will be the new chief over this revived Indian empire."

    Even funnier than the idea that he's going to give our white women to the injuns, is the implication that any American citizen can declare himself the new chief of any Indian tribe.

    Wait, that's not actually funny at all.

  25. JustPixelz

    Given the vehemence of TP'ers, wingnutz and AFA-bots over illegal immigration, they should support this. Pretty much all of us are anchor babies to the Native Americans.

  26. PeaceWithHonor

    When will Obama get off his ass and do something about the Native American nuclear program? They say it's for peaceful use but you can't trust them. Is it because Obama was born on a reservation?

  27. Ducksworthy

    This all ties together, The Mormons hold that the indians are really Lamanites, the lost tribe of Israel and the American Jeebus came to them and preached some sort of Mormon science fiction. So I we give Amurrika back to the indians, can the Joos leave palestine and settle in Utah as they were meant to?

  28. donner_froh

    Even if Bryan Fisher was something other than a lying sack of shit, it is clear that his article is either the product of a diseased mind or just some random words that someone at AFA formed into sentences.

    The tip-off is the reference to the U.N. If you have ever dealt with the U.N. or if you know anyone who has ever done so then you know that the best way to make sure nothing will happen on an issue is to involve the United Nations.

  29. MistaEko

    Pssh. Given the Native American rate of production on hydralisks, mutalisks, and its research into Dark Swarm, we won't be seeing any domination by Indian Overlords for quite some time.

    Construct additional pylons, Fischer.

  30. BeWoot

    Hey, the Indians can have Florida and Oklahoma. And it would be nice if Texas would move back to Mexico.

  31. Lost_Teabaggers

    You know, a generation ago people this batshit crazy would have been carrying signs outside that said "the end is NIGH!" as a segway into this kind of numnutted fuckwittery. How is it that someone like Brian Fischer can be so totally insane, so completely and utterly off base and still have a major forum to express his insanity? My only question is, if the Republicans have become crazier and crazier with each generation what does that say about the x-er neanderthals or the y neanderthals? Shall I be prepared for big laughs or the election of a president who's so crazy he or she nukes Russia because they don't celebrate Christmas the "right way"? Or should I just assume that Republicans aren't any crazier now (after all the John Birch Society and Phyllis Schafly et. al did exist before now) and just look forward to many more good laughs at these idiots over the years?

  32. Extemporanus

    In response to Bryan Fischer's claim that President Obama wants to give America back to the Indians, the White House just issued the following statement:

    "How! How?"

  33. ChuckieJesus

    Next time I'll be full blooded / 'Stead of half-Cherokee / I'll put on warpaint / Then they'll listen to me…

  34. NorthStarSpanx

    People like Sarah Palin, who is married to a Tribally enrolled member, are the first to NOT practice apologetics to the First Peoples, cause, you know, that would mean giving up hunting and fishing equality for all Greenhorne, red-neck, rouge couge, piss n' vinegar 20 y/o military virgins in the State and whatnot.

  35. Skulander

    I've always wondered after whom the AFA would go once gays and lesbians gain their civil rights.

    I guess we have the beginning of an answer here.

  36. BarackMyWorld

    Between obliviousness to the American Indian Movement, women's liberation, failure of the Vietnam War, the latter part of the civil rights movement…I'm getting the distinct impression that the entire conservative movement was in a coma from the time Goldwater lost until Reagan won, and missed the interceding 16 years of social change.

  37. Redhead

    I thought the Chinese were our new overlords?

    Make up your mind Fischer! I know you think all those dark people look alike, but surely even you don't think the Chinese look like the Native Americans! (The Japanese and Thai, maybe, but not the Native Americans!)

  38. Rotundo_

    You would think the AFA would be a little embarassed by this sort of idiotic commentary. I would have shown the dumbass the door when he went off on killing off all the grizzly bears. But still Bryan goes on and on, finding new and better ways to demonstrate his ignorance. They either could care less how they appear to the public or are actively courting the christian idiot population.

  39. Negropolis

    Ahhh, I long for the days when our racism was more quaint. You know, like pre-2008. Remember those days, you guys?

    So, let's get this straight. Obama is in cahoots with the Malays, the Kenyans, the Arabs, the Indians (slurpee South Asians), and now the other Indians (feathers)? Did I get that right?

  40. Negropolis

    You know the whole thing Chief Joseph said about fighting no more, forever? Yeah, I wish they'd really reconsider that, like, right now.

  41. Steverino247

    "Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association was diagnosed with general paresis earlier today and will be stepping down as spokesperson for the organization, it was announced this afternoon…" Any fucking minute now from the looks of things.

  42. FlownOver

    Me, I'd be happy to give back just enough land as would be needed to stake down this human tumor in the broiling sun, slit his eyelids and pour fire ants over his tender vittles.

    Oh, and in the meantime, peace on earth, good will to all persons except Bryan Fischer.

  43. ShaveTheWhales

    I'm prepared to welcome the badly-acted lizard people from V if they'll just cap this motherfucker on the way in.

    I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I think he's a more robust source of incoherent hatred than FUCKNUTS! and TundraTwat put together.

  44. lulzmonger

    Bryan Fischer's untreated tertiary syphilis – let me show you it.

    I've seen three of his spittle-fountains now, & 2/3 of them made commenters wonder out loud if they'd accidentally landed at The Onion by mistake. I've rarely seen someone as adept at instantly producing near-unanimous contempt & loathing.

    A /b/tard by any other name is still pathetic.

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