IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:52 am December 21, 2010

Christmas Monsters Steal Thousands of Toys From Underprivileged Children

by Riley Waggaman

Oh, just die already.

  • Massachusetts police are investigating the theft of approximately 1,500 “Toys for Tots” toys that were supposed to be delivered to needy children rather than thieved. This comes just days after a similar incident in Maine, in which a shrewd entrepreneur silent-auctioned an entire Toys for Tots warehouse on eBay. C’MON AMERICA. Children are already the most underprivileged and neglected demographic — the child poverty rate is currently at an incomprehensible twenty percent — so is it possible maybe not to steal toys from needy children, since most of the poor tykes are literally starving? Or is that too much to ask? Geezus Christ. Hundreds of years from now, historians will look back and say, “When everyone started stealing Christmas toys from orphans — that was what made America exceptional. And thank goodness all those greedy fuckers died in a nuclear holocaust.” [Fox News]
  • The Senate might actually vote on the totally noncontroversial, should-have-passed-a-million-years-ago START treaty sometime today! Dirty old tortoise Mitch McConnell is not pleased. [McClatchy]
  • What do warmongers want for Christmas? More “Special Operations ground raids across the border into Pakistan’s tribal areas,” or so it seems. Ball’s in your court, Santa. [NYT]
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Hola wonkerados.

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Monsieur_Grumpe December 21, 2010 at 8:57 am

Whoever auctioned the Toys for Tots needs to have his toys taken away and by toys I mean his balls.

Mahousu December 21, 2010 at 9:06 am

Hey, he "tried to apologize several times." Now, you might not think just apologizing would cut it for something like this, but it's more than, say, Dick Cheney has ever done.

And while I don't know for a fact that Dick Cheney has stolen donated toys in the past, I find it hard to imagine otherwise.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 21, 2010 at 9:13 am

I try not to let the facts and stuff get in the way of my hatred spewing. It’s kind of a holiday tradition for me. More Ha ha than Ho ho.

elviouslyqueer December 21, 2010 at 9:41 am

And while I don't know for a fact that Dick Cheney has stolen donated toys in the past, I find it hard to imagine otherwise.

Oh please, Cheney would never bother with something piddling like toys. Not when there's good money to be made by harvesting kids' vital organs and hocking them on etsy.

HedonismBot December 21, 2010 at 9:46 am

Fill the toys with bombs, and air drop them outside Middle Eastern madrassas. The students come to retrieve them and boom, we've nipped a whole generation of little terrorists in the bud.
That is more Cheney's style.

Dr_pangloss December 21, 2010 at 10:11 am

It worked great for the Soviets, oh wait.

OneDollarJuana December 21, 2010 at 10:06 am

Well, I had never heard of etsy, so I just googled it. Fascinating! Among the categories of jewelry, art, weddings, etc., there is a category "children". I hope they're in good shape!

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 11:33 am

Get the extended warranty – it's worth every penny …

ChessieNefercat December 21, 2010 at 11:44 am

I think you have to embroider them or something artsy like that to sell them on Etsy. Shouldn't be a problem, though. A little sweatshop labor and all set, right?

Dr_pangloss December 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

Put a Bismark moustache on Cheney and does look like the bad guy from a "Year without a Santa Claus" no toys in Sombertown! (an undisclosed location).

StillGoinGreen December 21, 2010 at 10:28 am

He may not have stolen toys, but he and his retarded sidekick most certainly stole my happy!

chickensmack December 21, 2010 at 9:03 am

Pshaw. Kids today. Twenty years from now, they'll tell stories that say "We didn't know we was a poor!" and "We were havin' too much fun to notice the pangs of hunger as the cars drove past us on the exit ramps."

freakishlywrong December 21, 2010 at 9:05 am

Christmas has become utterly vulgar, if seeing all those Xtians beating each other up at the Walmart wasn't enough, now we have assholes that take toys for poor little kids, (who should be donated to all year, Ameriduh). No snark here. What has happened to our better angels?

weejee December 21, 2010 at 9:09 am

What has happened to our better angels?

They got deported by INS.

Mindblank December 21, 2010 at 9:12 am

Or rather, they got beaten up by our betterer devils.

elviouslyqueer December 21, 2010 at 9:57 am

Jan Brewer chopped off their heads and strewed them in the desert outside Sedona.

StillGoinGreen December 21, 2010 at 10:31 am

I blame the media – shitheads have been stealing from the poor for a LONG time – but now the media just reports and reports it!! It's like a training film for the criminally insane!

Sparky_McGruff December 21, 2010 at 11:45 am

They're now republican angels. Screw the kids, just make sure the wall street traders who packaged up bad mortgages into "high quality securitized investments" don't have to pay a dime more on their taxes on that hard-earned (read: stolen) loot.

weejee December 21, 2010 at 9:07 am

Stealing from Toys 4 Tots likely makes most crabby. Maybe make the perp crabby too, pehaps by feeding him to the crabs?

trampndirtdown December 21, 2010 at 9:17 am

They were traded for the "southern strategy"

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 9:24 am

It's on par with stealing tips, or from a homeless person's begging cup; it's just one of the lowest, most contemptible forms of theft someone can do.

deelzebub December 21, 2010 at 10:14 am

Don't forget those assholes that make up a fake cancer to scam donation money out of people who then have less to give to actual cancer patients that can't pay their bills.

StillGoinGreen December 21, 2010 at 10:34 am

Stealing Food from a food bank is pretty fucking low. That, and stiffing a stripper! I knew this stripper once – she gave this dude 3 "private" dances and he only had a twenty!

Swampgas_Man December 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Make him feel crabby by covering him w/ crab lice.

el_donaldo December 21, 2010 at 9:11 am

I thought Jesus loves profit, even if it means that some lazy, undeserving types have to cry on Christmas morning.

CrankyLttlCamperette December 21, 2010 at 9:39 am

Isn't this called "Republican Strategy?"

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 9:13 am

Why do the poor children need toys donated to them? Santa will still use his magic powers to give them elf-made gifts, even though for some reason he's always given more and better gifts to the rich kids than the poor ones. Actually, Santa seems like a dick when you think about that, and how he refuses to give anything to Jewish or Muslim kids.

gvvt December 21, 2010 at 10:33 am

Let the toys trickle the fuck down!

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 11:47 am

Santa won't be doing any giving this year – those folks in Amarillo killed him.

OC_Surf_Serf December 21, 2010 at 9:14 am

Why does Mitch (150-year-old tortoise, duuude) McConnell hate America?

It's not like Barry signed the treaty back in like April or something!!

fuck, wait a minute…

BeWoot December 21, 2010 at 9:19 am

Mitch McConnell is an honest and honorable man. [citation needed]

V572625694 December 21, 2010 at 10:09 am

He's honest about one thing: he likes campaign contributions.

Wait here's another thing McConnell is truthful about: he hates that colored man in the "White" House and wants to get rid of him stat.

Lascauxcaveman December 21, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Well, he's a specialist. He knows that governing is hard, but tearing down the president is easy.

That is his stated goal, and of course he'll continue to be successful in his position, because his constituents are also more interested in tearing down the president than good government. Until that changes, we can expect more of the same from ol' Turtle.

PublicLuxury December 21, 2010 at 9:15 am

It's all about money. Capitalism and Greed are seemingly healthy here in 'Merika. Everybody wants to make a buck and feed their families. Before stealing gobs of gifts I always ask myself, "What would Santa do?" Because I have a defective or totally broken moral cumpass, just like the guy I voted for is morally weak, in my mind Santa ALWAYS takes the gifts.

BeWoot December 21, 2010 at 9:16 am

Won't someone think of the children? Probably it was the children who did this, stealing from each other. Lord of the Flies? Nonfiction. Those little poor bastards are vicious.

elviouslyqueer December 21, 2010 at 10:02 am
BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

Children are just like chickens, watch a playground at recess, if one of them has a weakness, the others will peck it to death, just like in the barnyard. Cruel lil bastards.

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 11:48 am

Really it's just good training for when they grow up.

DeeJayKitteh December 21, 2010 at 9:17 am

They weren't stealing the Christmas toys per se, they were just making Christmas less of a liberal-socialist-Marxist-fascist plot. If those little poors really wanted toys, they could have pulled themselves up by their little bootstraps and made some toys themselves. The liberals are killing the season with their welfare-state Christmas ideas of "charity" and "giving."

mrpuma2u December 21, 2010 at 9:51 am

Absolutely correct. These toy "re-distributors" were just trying to show the poor little kids how TRUE capitalism works. The kids need fall back on some Hoover-esque "rugged individualism" and go get their own toys. If that muslin in the white house hadn't gotten everyone addicted to socialism, no one would be outraged by this.

OneDollarJuana December 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

This is just a clear example of how capitalism works. Entrepreneurs (toy thieves) eager and willing to take a risk (of jail) approach an undeveloped country (other side of the tracks), negotiate with the people of that country (poors) to extract (steal) an underused resource (unopened toys) and use that resource to add value (fence the toys for cash). Couldn't be more American and Christian (just ignore those obviously spurious passages in the Bibble about Jeebus and moneychangers).

heathenette December 21, 2010 at 10:26 am

Yes! This is why we need to crucify Santa! Bring out the nails, etc.

GOPCrusher December 21, 2010 at 1:23 pm

God bless us, everyone.

Swampgas_Man December 21, 2010 at 2:33 pm

God HELP us, everyone. Amen.

Steverino247 December 21, 2010 at 9:18 am

We've got banks foreclosing homes from the parents of kids like these, investment firms stealing retirement plans for the bonus money, and the Republican Party out to stop Social Security checks from retirees and disabled vets, so this stuff is just penny ante.

fuflans December 21, 2010 at 9:19 am

and then we can complete our slide into dickensian reality by opening workhouses.

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 10:19 am

To your average Republican, A Christmas Carol is a tragedy, with a good Free Market capitalist superior turned into a socialist by the evil ghosts.

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 11:50 am

Try reading it backwards.

ChessieNefercat December 21, 2010 at 11:47 am


cheaphits December 21, 2010 at 9:19 am

Today's bet –

Was the person who did this an atheist?

I say 1/7 that he was not.

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

Nah. He was but a poor little lamb what lost its way. Unfortunately, he rounded a corner and ended up in Uncle Mo's Hallal Butchery and Poodle Grooming Emporium, at least, that's the outcome I'm pulling for…

zhubajie December 22, 2010 at 5:47 am

Libertarian, most likely.

freakishlywrong December 21, 2010 at 9:19 am

For example, former President George W. Bush's 2003 Treaty of Moscow, which McConnell supported, had just four hearings before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and two days of debate in the full chamber before it was approved 95-0.

You know you're a member of a party of obstructionist assholes when the fact that you're going to vote for a nuclear treaty instead of being a goose stepping, partisan hack is the actual news.

WABishop December 21, 2010 at 9:20 am

Cross-border raids is one of those gifts that keep on giving! Pay it forward, Pakistan!

PublicLuxury December 21, 2010 at 9:35 am

Kind of like Herpes or Syphilis

MildMidwesterner December 21, 2010 at 9:21 am

Stealing toys from poor kids is like stealing candy from a baby.

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 11:51 am

Babies really shouldn't have candy – they could choke on it. So when I take candy from babies, it's for their own good.

Lascauxcaveman December 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm

And it's delicious (after you rinse off the drool, of course).

TimeCubist December 21, 2010 at 9:30 am

The Toys2Meth program is very strong up here in New England.

ManchuCandidate December 21, 2010 at 9:31 am


Oh come on! It's the Free Market at work. This asshole Nickerson found a lazy useless socialist organization that had all these surplus toys. Using his invisible hands to take them to a place where they could utilized in a more efficient and profitable manner. Stupid socialist fucking police getting all up in face when he was merely letting the Free Market establish the price. Now all his invisible hands will be doing is handling other men's junk in the slammer.*


V572625694 December 21, 2010 at 10:05 am

The police only exist to ensure that free markets work as they should, as everyone knows. Oh, and also to guard the estates of the wealthy, distinguishing as they do so the Illegals (=burglars) from landscape staff. Believe it or not, sometimes the police do such a terrible job that the wealthy are forced to hire private security guards and have elaborate intrusion detections systems installed on their estates at their own expense! They are victims too.

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 10:18 am

I think your screed just gave Our Lady Ayn of Rand a lady boner. So…, you're gross (but funny)!

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 9:33 am

Hey, I've spoken to some of those kids, and their families were so desperate they didn't want the toys; they said, "Give us some money, don't mess around with those silly toys. We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over, we want your bread so don't make us annoyed. Give all the toys to the little rich boys."

JoeMamased December 21, 2010 at 9:42 am

Best Xmas song ever.

PublicLuxury December 21, 2010 at 9:34 am

I am willing to bet that the thief is a republitard. They love a profit, no matter how it was achieved, as long as they come out on top they feel successful. Remember to spay and neuter and this will stop happening.

Terry December 21, 2010 at 10:20 am

But in true GOP fashion, it preferable to inherit the money rather than earn it, legally or not.

horsedreamer_1 December 21, 2010 at 9:36 am

Dead soon, but would be sooner, if global climate change weren't a hoax.

gvvt December 21, 2010 at 10:32 am

Well, his very existence proves that global climate change is a hoax. He's made of SNOW. Snow comes when it's COLD. I can see snow out my window right now.

And another thing. I look out the front window in the morning and the sun is out there. In the evening it's out the back window. I haven't turned the house around and there hasn't been no wind, so what's all this crap about the earth moving around the sun????

catchtheflava December 21, 2010 at 9:39 am

First Obama lets the TANF temporary work program expire, then he kills the making work pay tax break in favor of a payroll tax deduction that's an effective hike for the working poor, and now he's stealing toys for tots? A black dude campaigning as a Democrat – the Republicans really pulled the wool over our eyes with this one!

Pragmatist2 December 21, 2010 at 9:45 am

Hey, they didn't just steal these toys from children, the stole them from the US Marines who run Toys for Tots. I can see some "aggressive Interrogation" in their future.

V572625694 December 21, 2010 at 9:46 am

Let's all give thanks for our latest, freshest, nicest war. So far, all the war plans have not yet failed, casualties are minimal, and the weapons systems are all shiny and ready to go! It's all downhill from here, so try to enjoy it while you can. The war with North Korea won't be nearly as much fun.

chickensmack December 21, 2010 at 9:51 am

It's a shame that the story included the alleged thief's name

Jim Nickerson

and address

108 Patten Street

though a cursory examination of this address from Google Maps suggested he lived in someone's radish garden.

Mindblank December 21, 2010 at 9:55 am

Hijacked to pay for the Boys for Sots program, obviously.

slithytoves December 21, 2010 at 10:01 am

the child poverty rate is currently at an incomprehensible twenty percent

That's because the child unemployment rate is at a whopping 50%. C'mon America, we can do better! Don't you have some snow that needs shoveling?

V572625694 December 21, 2010 at 10:06 am

And coal to be mined, linens to be woven, gloves to be sewn. Honestly, opportunities are everywhere if you just look around. These Poors and their lazy children just aren't trying.

prommie December 21, 2010 at 10:08 am

Not to mention blowing priests!

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 10:34 am

My chimney could use a good sweeping.

DCHatesMe December 21, 2010 at 10:24 am

Hooters doesn't hire fat children.

Lascauxcaveman December 21, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Fat in the right places.

jim89048 December 21, 2010 at 11:37 am

And organs to be harvested.

Oblios_Cap December 21, 2010 at 10:04 am

the child poverty rate is currently at an incomprehensible twenty percent

Elitist left-winged reporting above. Turn that frown upside down and report it correctly! Eighty percent of kids don't live in abject poverty in this, the most exceptional country in the world. That's the spin Faux would put on it. Jesus is pleased.

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 10:25 am

Butch Jesus is pleased. /fixed

prommie December 21, 2010 at 10:07 am

Where was Dick Cheney when this happened?

V572625694 December 21, 2010 at 10:12 am

Putting new Duracells in his "heart." He just can't do the war crimes like he used to anymore. And honestly, Scooter did most of the heavy lifting.

SorosBot December 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

I doubt Cheney could have been involved with this one, because the poor kids are still alive.

Angry_Marmot December 21, 2010 at 11:47 am

Wiping himself with the Beatitudes.

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

"Are there no prisons?" asked Scrooge.
"Plenty of prisons," said the gentleman, laying down the pen again.
"And the Union workhouses?" demanded Scrooge. "Are they still in operation?"
"They are. Still," returned the gentleman, "I wish I could say they were not."
"The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigour, then?" said Scrooge.
"Both very busy, sir."
"Oh! I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course," said Scrooge. "I'm very glad to hear it."

Actually, I don't know if that was E. Scrooge or Bull O'Really?

mrpuma2u December 21, 2010 at 10:21 am

OK Totally OT but at there is a thread on Al Sharpton with crazy racist stuff in it (shocking, no?) that could use some snark attack. It's the holidaze season, it's time to give to our extreme right freak brothers & sisters.

"Al Sharpton Helping FCC Plan ‘Decency Standards’ Show Trials Targeting Rush Limbaugh" is the title. Ya know how the hard core gets their panties in a bunch when they go after Great Leader Limbaugh. Please join me for some fun.

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 10:23 am

If these were to happen in OK, do you think the citizens would find the application of Sharia law's proscriptions apropos?

"Thief, put your hand on the chopping block."
"Sir, I think you'll agree that what he did also had 'dick move' written all over it."
"You're right, Wembly. OK, Thief, now with your good hand, I want you to lay your…"

gvvt December 21, 2010 at 10:28 am

Sure, the child poverty rate may be 20%, but how many of those kids have even TRIED to get a job? If they can't be bothered about pursuing the American Dream ™, what are we supposed to do, GIVE THEM STUFF? What will that teach them? Stop and think….

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 21, 2010 at 10:34 am

My parents claim to be Republican so their neighbours don't throw rocks at them, but when it comes right down to it, they're worthly wokette skum; your basic pinko liberal socialist fags. Mom teaches 2nd grade, dad is an attorney whose case-load is 90% 'ad litem' stuff. Every year they buy xmas/holiday presents for their kids who have bad cases of The Poor. Nothing fancy – winter coats, sturdy boots, Wegman's gift cards… whatever it takes to make sure these kids survive til spring. Historically it's been about two to three kids each, per year. This year they cleaned out the children's section at Kmart.

Limeylizzie December 21, 2010 at 10:41 am

A someone who was orphaned far too young, I have always yearned for the perfect parents and lookie …here they are on Wonkette!

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 21, 2010 at 10:48 am

I'm still drunk from last night and forgot what point I was trying to make.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

comrad_darkness December 21, 2010 at 10:49 am

But, but, it's the gays and atheists that are running the war on Christmas. The greedy Ayn Randian award winner who auctioned the toys because profit IS God can't possibly be part of this!

mavenmaven December 21, 2010 at 10:54 am

The Invisible Hand of the Unregulated Market wins again! This is of course, a Republican "good for the market" moment, because now that this scoundrel has money, he will of course create more jobs and trickle down wealth to the poor.

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 21, 2010 at 10:59 am

If wanting to pee in his ear is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

deanbooth December 21, 2010 at 11:19 am

Almost all theft is theft from children, though perhaps less directly. All the money lost from my 401K was my son's inheritance.

ttommyunger December 21, 2010 at 11:54 am

It's the stupid children's fault. They could have secured their toys, Xe is still in business or they could have just posted guards themselves. Tough shit, I say. Every man, or child, for himself. This is Christian Amerka, no slackers allowed.

MozakiBlocks December 21, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Ya know waterboarding doesn't seem so harsh in the case of the Toys for Tots thief.

hagajim December 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm

We are all cretins now

MilwaukeeKent December 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Sorry, man. Listening to our better angels just doesn't pay off in the new Potterville that is America 2010. To achieve "success" you have to be willing to sell a rat's asshole as a wedding ring. Someone SHOULD be selling those toys for Tots donations. If it isn't making someone money, it's socialism, dontcha know. Ask Glenn Beck, deprivation is good for those kids. Freebies are a Social Justice/Commie back door welcome mat.

Make a Republican smile — starve a child.

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