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Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies

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“In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the pope said. “It was maintained – even within the realm of Catholic theology – that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a ‘better than’ and a ‘worse than.’ Nothing is good or bad in itself.”

“The effects of such theories are evident today,” he said.

Next time you’re forced to have sex against your will, remember that’s not a person raping you — it’s moral relativism. [AP via Wonkette operative “Eric G.”]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Troubledog

    So Radiohead is neither good nor bad; only better than Oasis and worse than Coldplay. Got it.

    • mookwrthwilson

      No…it's Radiohead, somewhere far behind that is Oasis, and then about light years away from that it's Coldplay….

      • CalamityJames

        I was hoping someone would point out the faulty logic of placing Radiohead anywhere below Coldplay.

  • chascates

    “Evil is in the eye of the beholder.”
    –Genesis 3:1-7

    • CalamityJames

      Well, poke his goddamned eye out!!

  • SorosBot

    If the "moral relativism" of the 1960s and 70s caused the priests to rape children, then what was causing it for the hundreds of years prior during which priestly rape was just as common?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Lots of wine?

    • CalamityJames

      God raped a 13 year-old.

      • Negropolis

        That is so sacreligious it's funny.

    • problemwithcaring

      Follow-up: When did "the devil" stop working?

    • Kidneys4Sale

      The threat of moral relativism, of course. Same thing with the whole Republicans/Rentboys/Socialism setup.

  • mereoblivion

    In the eys of Pius XII, Hitler wasn't exactly good, he was just better than the Communists. And the usurous Christ-lynchers. And the demented atheist homos. The effects of such theories are evident today.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Gotcha. Buttsecksing a 12-year-old is better than buttsecksing a 10-year-old, but is still worse than buttsecksing a 14-year-old.

    • prommie

      The legal limit is actually half your age, plus 7.

  • Steverino247

    There is no bad beer. Some beers are better than others?

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Some girls are bigger than others,
      Some girls are bigger than others,
      Some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers.

    • HistoriCat

      So what you're saying is that Bud Light in not actually beer and therefore is not bad beer? OK, I can buy that reasoning.

  • SexySmurf

    Fun fact: When the current Nazi Pope became Nazi Pope, the Vatican was worried that the Nazi Pope might be sued for his role in covering up for rapist priests that it asked the then asshole President of the United States to grant the Nazi pope a pardon. And then asshole President of the United States actually did because he was an asshole.

  • el_donaldo

    Jesus H. Fucking Christ! The 70s was a few decades ago. Priests have been regularly raping boys for hundred, or maybe thousands of years. Pop quiz, you beanie-wearing plexiglass-cab-driving dried up old Nazi: is one molester out of every twenty persons a social norm? Or is it just the norm in the priesthood?

  • mumbly_joe

    Muscular Christian Values!!

    • edgydrifter

      Vein-y, engorged, muscular Christian values.

    • Negropolis

      All the better to grip you with, my dear. Those muscles aren't just for show, you know.

  • mavenmaven

    It sounds like the Vatican and the Tea Party have something in common- just say any thing in a way that sounds like a social science "explanation" and assume the faithful will buy it and turn it into a talking point.
    Liberals, Liberation theology, all good "explanations".

  • nounverb911

    This sounds like the vatican definition of DADT.

  • MadBrahms

    Well, it`s so obvious, really. No one was ever raped by the church before the 70s.

  • BornInATrailer

    What!? A few decades back society was tolerant of pedophilia and today society considers child pornography normal? This only makes sense if the society he refers to is the Catholic clergy. But then it wouldn't be much of an argument explaining away their boy fondling.

    Never go full pope.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Hey, in the 70's we had pet rocks, sea monkeys, and Sanford and Son. … even God didn't know what the fuck was going on.

  • Gratuitous World

    priests don't rape kids. society rapes kids with priests' dongs.

    • Rarian Rakista

      Are those made by monks in Mendocino?

  • Gopherit

    It's so obvious. Once we stopped doing the mass in latin, boyfucking was the next logical step.

  • V572625694

    I suppose all you wise-ass "commenters" here think it's easy to come up with arguments that will deflect the blame for torturing children away from child-torturing priests who torture children, and then try to cover it up for many years, and then buy off the victims with gag-order (heh heh) settlements, and then try to use bankruptcy to evade the liability for court judgments

    Let's see what you can come up with if you think it's so easy to defend this sort of organized criminal behavior directed from the top down with complicity at every level from Rome to the parish priest in Bumfuck Idaho!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Given the 1000+ years of time (since before Dante called them out on it, pederasty by both nobles and clergy was generally accepted if not discussed in mixed company) to come up with a convincing line and the near unlimited budget they could do better than this. Where's the Crusade to deflect attention/raise fat moneys?

    • Pop_Socket

      Fucking altar boys were asking for it wearing those pansy dresses.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Well, in defense of the priest in Bumfuck, isn't it pretty much required there?

      • transfatz

        More so in Athol.

  • Asa_Hawks

    Theorized by who, you fucking asshole? What mainstream thinker ACTUALLY THEORIZED THAT RAPING CHILDREN WAS OKAY? And don't say Hans Kung.

    • LetUsBray

      That would be His Eminence, Archbishop Mike Hawk.

  • GodShammgod

    Anyone ever notice that John McCain and the Pope have never been in the same room together? Check that shit out.

  • Dilaceratus

    Yes, truly the 1970s were awash in Moral Relativism; what a shame the world turned its eyes away from the Clear and Absolute demands laid down by the Biblical God. As anyone who has ever so much as thumbed through His Holy Book will instantly be able to inform you, Abuses of Power were so very much at the forefront of that God’s mind that He’s still Kicking Himself over dictating a few thousand scrolls filled with all of those Begats and Don’t Wear Wool Blends, and never mentioning the subjects of Slavery, Sexual Slavery, Child Abuse, and Child Sexual Abuse, even once.

    • Dilaceratus

      Well, in a negative way.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sure, to some people he's an ossified thowback to a Medieval mentality when an all-powerful clergy abused everything and everyone around them with impunity — but in reality he's as hapless a victim as those innocent ten-year-old altar boys. In much the same way that St. Ronald of Burbank said that the SS troops in the Bitburg cemetery were victims of Nazism as well.

    • chickensmack

      Who is St. Ronald the patron saint of? And what is his Feast Day?

      • Angry_Marmot

        He's the patron saint of contras and he feasts on dead nuns in El Salvador.

        • Negropolis


  • Redhead

    When did Red Foreman get ordained?

  • assistantatlas

    Remember, y'all, the Pope is infallible. Never wrong about anything.

    So let's review what we know to be true now–condoms cause AIDS and only HIV-infected prostitutes should use them (to facilitate the transfer of the AIDS, presumably), it's totally okay to rape underage boys (or girls) if you're a priest and the proper response to said action is to do your best to cover it up and make sure no one is ever brought to justice (that's what God is for, silly!), abortion is evil but don't tell anyone about the contraception that might prevent them because that is also evil, and a tiny neighborhood made of gold in the center of Rome is a "country" and therefore the Pope should be immune from prosecution by anyone, forever.

    Oh….and dudes who wear red Prada shoes are totally NOT gay.

    • finallyhappy

      I don't think most gay guys who are not into drag would wear red shoes- they have much better taste. However, with his lacy collars and dresses, I guess the red pradas do work for Pope Dragalina

  • aqua_buddha

    Well now that you mention it, we have noticed the tiniest bit of petulance that enters into nearly every Papal counter-response. Just before they catch themselves, and the official restatement of the statement is released.

    Kind of like every congressman has an automatic "supporting our troops" trigger in his head, ready for any occasion.

    But more .. lizardy, if that's possible.

  • chickensmack

    Hard to pawn off the idea that a Nazi Pope can be a relativist pussy, when a Teabagger like Judson Phillips can outright call for the downfall of an entire sect of Christians.

    • MadBrahms

      Oh I just *love* the First Church of Karl Marx. The midnight mass for May Day is so moving.

    • Steverino247

      Hey, I was the first to comment on that guy's wacko posting! Thanks for the tip.

      Dec 20, 2010
      10:55 pm
      #1 Steverino247 :

      May I suggest a follow up visit with your psychiatrist? You’re barking mad, you know?

  • PublicLuxury

    It is important to establish a hierarchy. This is something that our young Nazi Pope learned well when he was in the Hitler Youth. Using his reasoning there is a sliding scale of bad badder baddest and good gooder goodest. So if you just have to bang your sister, it is baddest when she is a toddler and goodest when she is a horny teenager. In fact, you are doing a service, a community service, by banging any horny teenager that comes into your range.

    Poke hard. Poke fast. Poke often. Poke like the Pope.

  • ogradybt

    Ross Douthat floated this genius concept a couple months ago. Glad to know the Vatican is filtering their shitty PR through that beardy pretend-moderate slob.

  • HempDogbane

    What's this I hear about Liberace Theology?

  • Steverino247

    Me? I blame the First Church of the Jumpin', Screamin', GEE-ZUZ-UH for all my troubles…

  • kenlayisalive

    Quiet children, the elderly man in the pink satin robe and $50,000 shoes is going to talk to us about an extinct little thing they had in the seventies called 'pedophilia'.

    And next he'll be saying a liberal stance regarding of Pope-o-phila caused all those children to rape him.

  • MiniMencken

    Well, yes, and then Rodrigo Borgia was so influenced by the situational ethics of the 1470s that when he became Pope Alexander VI in 1492, through a campaign of bribery amongst the College of Cardinals, he held orgies in the Vatican with troupes of prostitutes, poisoned his rivals in the Church hierarchy and elevated his bastard children to high offices. Or, as we degenerate moral relativists like to say, "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose."

    • prommie

      Berlusconi the first?

      • HistoriCat

        It's a proud Italian tradition.

  • undeterredbyreality

    "And next he'll be saying a liberal wide stance regarding of Pope-o-phila caused all those children to rape him."


  • ttommyunger

    Also, youngsters are more clumsy than at any other time in history. They are forever falling face and ass-first onto the penises of my Faithful Minions. It's just a sign of the times, you know.

    • prommie

      What happened? Well, umm, see, there was this altar-boy, and, umm, I was walking by, and, umm, I fell in.

  • aguacatero

    Know who else was a HUGE moral relativist?

    The Pope's former boss, Hitler!

  • Jukesgrrl

    How does that moral relativism work at Notre Dame? Is a coach who sends an undergrad up a tower in a wind storm so he gets killed better or worse than a coach who laughs about a football player who molested a girl who then kills herself? What? It's the same coach? My bad.

  • transfatz

    Perhaps if we got rid of that moral relativist statute of limitations we could drag kindly father O'Bugger out of his comfortable existence and fling him into prison where he belongs.

  • Negropolis

    Remember when the Catholic Church charged the Knights Templar with sodomy (among many other things)? Yeah , this ain't their first rodeo.

  • prommie

    This is all greek to me.