must be santa

Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)

King of the Jews.Oh look, some fucktard wingnuts in Texas somewhere made a video of themselves “executing Santa Claus,” you know, because Baby Jesus hates Santa Claus. Why does Baby Jesus hate a Christian saint? Because Baby Jesus isn’t Catholic anymore, come on, don’t you know anything about American Christmas? Anyway watch these mouth-breathing obese poop-sacks play with their guns and toy Santas, if that’s what you want to do with yourself.

Thanks (?) to RightWingWatch for alerting us to this important War on Christmas audio-visual presentation. [RightWingWatch]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      ya gotta give the Xtain 'tard a LITTLE slack, if I was married to the fat pig behind him (his 'wife' w/ matching X-Coexist sweatshirt?) I'd be all angry and depressed and shootin' Santa in the middle of the desert too…it's the coop de grace! also :)

  1. SayItWithWookies

    That's nothing compared to the bloodbath that is their alt-ending to "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown."

    1. FNMA

      My favorite part is where Charlie Brown cuts off Linus' ear and douses him with gasoline while singing Stealers Wheel.
      That was cool.

  2. Mahousu

    I see their "scroll" is mounted on two large crayons. That's probably because their parents won't let them have pencils or other sharp objects. Good thinking.

    1. JustPixelz

      Crayon props: $5
      Santa Doll: $14.95
      Guns, ear protection, ammunition: $500
      Getting your video on wonkette: priceless

      1. FlipOffResearch

        From my experience with wingnuts and teabaggers, I have concluded that they are strong constitutionalists. The only problem is they think the whole constitution is the second amendment.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      WTF, that was the 1st thing I noticed, and the moron used RED & GREEN crayons too, what was he thinkin'…don't he know those are the DEVIL'S COLORZ?!

    3. Negropolis

      Parents? The parents are probably more fucked up than they are. I bet it was the teachers, those liberally-educated, high-priced goons, them.

  3. Sue4466

    They got the wrong guy. It was Christians who commercialized Christmas when they started giving gifts as a way to sway the pagans to their beliefs.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      works for me! though I prefer the Chinaman toyz over that frankincense/ myrrh crap, it stinks up the stable…

    2. transfatz

      A child, a child, shivers in the cold
      Let us bring him silver and gold…

      Sure, that's what I always want when I'm freezing my ass off.

  4. PublicLuxury

    Do you think they know Santa is made up? Do you think they know if you rearrange the letters in Santa it spells Satan? Do you think they know they are really waging a war on capitlaism?

    Why do they hate 'Merikkka?

  5. nounverb911

    "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
    Underneath the mistletoe last night
    She didn't see me creep down the stairs to have a peek
    She thought that I was tucked up in my Bedroom fast asleep"

    The repent armadillo guy seems to have daddy issues.

  6. SorosBot

    I do like the irony of how they repeatedly call Santa a lie who doesn't exist, then claim he's turning people away from Jesus Christ.

  7. BorderJumper!

    I love the fact that instead of making their own hoodies, they "cleverly" modified/ripped off an existing one. Wingtard brilliance at its best!

  8. MarionNYNY

    (1) If they had jobs, they wouldn't have time to do this shit, so blame Obama..
    (2) Coup de Grace — Priceless
    (3) Somehow I think Linus' speech in A Charlie Brown Christmas made the point without guns.

    1. Sassomatic

      I hate to reinforce the arguments of the Christian Right, but having watched that recently I was taken aback by the Christian-ness of that popular TV special. Any kids' Christmas cartoon made in the last ten years make no mention at all of Jesus. Just interesting, is all.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Linus' speech really sets that special apart from just about every other kids' special. Don't know why Charles Schulz had special dispensation but all the rest of the old ones are pretty darn secular, too.

      2. LakeAfflicted

        Yeah, but…"'but the angel said unto them, 'Fear not! For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people…and suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying: 'Glory to God in the Highest! Peace on earth, goodwill toward men.'" Sounds like some kind of touchy-feely, feminized liburl made-up Christianity to me. Where's the guns and ass-kicking?

  9. Jason_inthe_Peg

    I just met some very nice Texans who came to my fair city to watch the Weakerthans play all 4 of their albums in 4 nights at 4 different venues. I thought that was bit much even for crazy fans, but now I see, they were just scouting places of possible refuge.

    I am glad they are gone home now, so that I can't embarrass them by asking: "Amarillo WTF?"

      1. HistoriCat

        Probably does – I understand that a lot of the people associated with that place (or maybe just the security people) are real hardcore fundies – they are keen on nuclear weapons because of that whole apocalypse thing.

  10. Pragmatist2

    Q: Is there no end to the utter stupidity of these people?
    A: No. There is no end to the utter stupidity of these people.

  11. JustPixelz

    Shooting? I thought the Q'uron says to stone Santa to death.

    I love the part where he says "we're professionals" just before shooting the Real Santa doll. But true professional Santa Sleigh'ers can hit their symbols of generosity from way more than 10 feet.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    *Snark off, momentarily.*

    Hey assholes. You want to really and effectively protest the rampant commercialism of Christmas? Fine. Here's your choices… 1) shoot up the boardrooms at Wal-Mart, Target, Toys R Us, and pretty much any other big box retailer. Yes, that includes the ones where you likely bought your pretty oversized crayons for your scroll, your stuffed Santa, and your purdy rifles. 2) Stop shopping. Forever. That includes at the grocery store. A few minutes without eating or wearing clothes might do you some good. 3) Give all your worldly goods to the poor. Yes, everything. Be the embodiment of true Christianity by modeling yourself on the big guy around who this "season" of yours is supposedly devoted. Oh, and SOW, I think He'd take a dim view of you spending valuable time and money pontificating on video about the "true meaning of Christmas" while shouldering a rifle. Seriously and for real.

    *snark on*

    God help these fucking inbreds, every one.

    1. finallyhappy

      The true meaning of Christmas. Well, as I see it(of course, I am a Jew so I helped kill the Baby Jesus), the true meaning of Christmas around here is to spend lots of money you don't have to give gifts to people who don't need them and also to decorate your lawns and houses in really bad taste. I don't celebrate Christmas but I did spend money I did have on gifts and food for poor people and will be serving a Christmas dinner at a shleter(after which I will eat Chinese food and see a movie because the Talmud tells us that is what we Jews must do on NitalNacht.)

      1. jim89048

        Well, as I see it(of course, I am a Jew so I helped kill the Baby Jesus)
        We can really never say Thank You enough.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      fuck, I've said it before but I'll say it again, I LUVS you Elvis (oh, and I'm drunk, again…and toyz, I WANT TOYZ, fer my birfday!)

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    Just when I almost got this Santa Claus is really your parents thing figured out, I get something like this. So, is he real or isn't he?

  14. angryclownspawn

    I love how they recognize that Santa is a fictional character right before they begin blasting him. Also, I think Jesus would like tolerance and world peace for his birthday this year. Except that he's dead. So how about sending me some Apple gift cards instead?

  15. Barrelhse

    Jesus Hussein Christ, I've seen enough. The right-wing xtian assholes seem to have less shame, even, than brains, which puts them at the lowest point in BOTH categories. How do people become so stupid and hateful?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Disagree. They were hateful and stupid before. Fox News just gave them a place, other than gun shows and revival tents, to congregate.

  16. personman2

    “Do you have any last words? Of course you don’t. You can’t talk because you don’t exist.” Wait, are they talking about Santa or God there?

  17. _MISS_T_

    'We abhor violence' says the man in the jumper with the pro-peace pro-tolerance 'coexist' symbol crossed out.

  18. horsedreamer_1

    Santa sounds Spanish, & Claus, obviously, German, so this "Santa Claus" is clearly an Habsburg plot to install a non-native monarchy in America. Papist, too.

    These Texans are not just Christian Soldiers, then, they are Patriots, too.

  19. Blendergoathead

    He has Santa staked to the ground and is shooting him from less than ten feet away?

    What a pussy.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    The weird thing here for me is that this brings out a repressed memory from when I was wee, I remember now that I used to think that Santa was just Baby Jesus all grown up and old and fat.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        I thought there was a third person in the nativity, possibly the baby sitter: "round young virgin", then mother and child.

  21. chascates

    "The Liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself."
    [Proverbs 11.25]

  22. Beowoof

    Another in the long list of reasons to never go to Texas, ever for any reason. I know that I won't ever go back but that decison was made before this video, this just validates the never going back. Too bad, Austin seemed like a nice place.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Austin is as far from Amarillo as Washington DC is from Charleston SC. Literally and figuratively.

  23. jus_wonderin

    I used to work at Dillard's (for those of you sans Dillard's, it is likened unto a lessor Saks [for those of you without Saks…uh, nevermind]) when I was a teacher. The Christmas music would repeat night, after night, after night. By the time Christmas rolled around you were praying to, either be shot, or to shoot someone.

  24. mavenmaven

    1. Those are some fat @$$ women
    2. In these end-of-weimar like days, its not hard to imagine them moving on to shooting live 'heretics'.

  25. Neoyorquino

    I dreamt of a train with square wheels. Of a cowboy riding ostrich. And I wept. Wept like a baby. The horror. The ho-ho-horror . . .

  26. Sassomatic

    Fact: Santa Clause is from Turkey.
    Therefore: Santa Clause is Muslim.
    AND: Therefore he is a terrorist.

  27. Dances_For_Ham

    So I guess it is pretty slow this time of year for Civil War reenactors. Chickens coming home to roost and all that?

  28. MistaEko

    Before he was betrayed by Donner, a death he freely accepted, Claus brought before him his eight tiny reindeer for a holiday snack party.

    He took the cookie, and broke it saying, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for it is my body, to be given up for all the good little boys and girls." Then he took a glass of milk, saying, "take this all of you and drink, for this is my blood, which shall be shed for you. Do this in memory of me."

    And thus, every Christmas Eve, we do remember our Claus's sacrifice by placing before the fireplace the same in hopes that it will be acceptable to the all powerful and ever living Kringle. Amen.

    1. CapnFatback

      So when the crowd had gathered, Jack Frost asked them, “Which one do you want me to release to you: The Heat Miser (who had been thrown into prison for making it rain at the North Pole and chewing the scenery) or Claus who is called Santa?” For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Santa over to him.

      But the elf priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for the Heat Miser and to have Santa executed.

      “Which of the two do you want me to release to you?” asked the governor.

      "Mr. Green Christmas,” they answered. "Mr. Sun," they cried. "Mr. Heat Blister," they wailed. "Mr. 101," they sang in a chorus line.

  29. metamarcisf

    I used to live in beautiful Amarillo so this brings back memories. Word has it that their next victim is to be Stephanie Courtney, the woman in the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials.

  30. SorosBot

    O/T, but I feel like I've already gotten my best Xmas present; Thomas Kinkade has been sentenced to jail for a DUI. It's only ten days, but still, take that, Christians with bad taste in art!

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      What, never heard of dimmer switches? The farther you dim, the more able you are to enjoy Kinkade.

    2. realmurkin

      This is truly the best Christmas ever. Everything may be going to shit, but the painter of light is in jail, and that's good enough for me. I hope he's sitting in his cell right now, scratching images of rustic cottages into the wall with the handle of a broken toothbrush. And weeping, also.
      I am the happiest girl alive. Merry Christmas, everyone!

  31. Not_So_Much

    I had to fly through (without de-planing, thank Jeebus) Amarillo a couple months ago. It stank badly of ass and sadness. Presume these pack of retards is the source for both.

  32. WarAndGee

    Batshit loonball.

    The next generation of these fascist theocrats is coming to round up "the liberals." If I'm not executed outright I'll probably be on the weight loss program.

  33. succalina

    Good idea to spend your very very few dollars on coexist hoodies. You have just provided ameros to the socialists and terrorists!

    Oh, and fuck off ass hats.

  34. i_AM_ready

    I love how they spent 5 minutes repeatedly firing their bb guns, and hardly damaged the Santa at all.
    Probably just like everything else in their lives– FAIL.

  35. gvvt

    The Coop D. Grace?

    Personally, I don't think his firing "squad" is any more real than the non-existent person he's shooting.

    Benevolent hatred of coexistence, there's a gift for eternity, too.

  36. FlipOffResearch

    This reminds me of a brilliant idea I had the other night.

    You know how we are so in debt to China. I always hear people saying the Chinese will wind up taking LA and NYC to square things up. Also, those Texans are always itching to secede.

    Here’s my idea: sell fucking Texas to the goddamned Chinese. The Chinese won’t even realize the joke’s on them until it’s too late to give Texas back.

  37. Trinket

    The number of bullets that Santa took without falling just makes him seem sort of, you know, immortal.

  38. Ohmyhat

    I feel a need to write a Christmas Carol about this, but I think it's going to be difficult to build around important phrases like "pathetic pig ignorant fundamentalist hick loser pricks."

  39. slappypaddy

    in all seriousness, to any of my fellow liberals who are opposed to the private ownership of firearms, look what these people have here. they clearly have one shotgun, and three other pieces that look like rifles. this is what the second amendment is all about. it's not about the wet-dream of defending your home against burglars or whatnot. that bullshit rarely happens. it's about defending yourself against people like this, should the time ever come. remember greensboro.

    and merry christmas to all. i mean that.

    1. fishskicanoe

      Yep. That last shot to Santy's head was just a enactment in proxy for what those good Christians imagine doing to the whole Wonketti tribe. People may in good conscience chose not to defend themselves with violence, but personally, if I saw Pastor Shotgun walking up the driveway to my house I'd prefer to be able to lock the smirk on his face by a bit more forceful means than turning the other cheek.


    I was going to drive to Santa (Fe) thru Amarillo tomorrow, but I'd rather go thru Lubbock (big difference).

  41. littlebigdaddy

    This is really funny. I was just thinking of how a professor of mine in graduate school used to tell the anecdote, which I have since heard repeatedly, about how a Japanese department store had a display of a crucified Santa.

  42. Iam_Who_Iam

    "Anyway watch these mouth-breathing obese poop-sacks play with their guns and toy Santas, if that’s what you want to do with yourself."

    I can think of better things to do with myself, just sayin'.

  43. PresBeeblebrox

    Cripes, xceptionalNatn has become one giant MST3K riff line. I was trying to think of something snarky to say, like " Needz moar hate," but words kind of escape me.

    However, the irony of the fact that these cretins are executing, in effigy, the modern embodiment of a 4th-century Christian bishop and saint is not lost on me. They would probably run Jesus himself out of town, or worse, for being one of them librul hippies.

  44. ttommyunger

    This just gives me more to be cheerful about this Season: these half-wits are over a thousand miles from where I reside.

  45. FlipOffResearch

    I commented this shit earlier, like 6 hours ago. It looked like it took. But I check back and it’s gone. This has been happening a lot lately. So much so that I copied all the shit, and am trying again. So here goes:

    This reminds me of a brilliant idea I had the other night. You know how we are so in debt to China. I always hear people saying the Chinese will wind up taking LA and NYC to square things up. Also, those Texans are always itching to secede. Here’s my idea: sell fucking Texas to the goddamned Chinese. The Chinese won’t even realize the joke’s on them until it’s too late to give Texas back.

    From my experience with wingnuts and teabaggers, I have concluded that they are strong constitutionalists. The only problem is they think the whole constitution is the second amendment.

  46. Negropolis

    Santa is my new Lord and Savior. I mean, when you're nailed to a cross and murdered that makes you the new Lord and Savior, right? Isn't that how it works?

    Praise be to Santa Claws!

  47. LakeAfflicted

    Just don't be envying our friends their hot little "no coexisting" hoodies. The Bible says thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wingnut attire, because that's "covetness."

  48. sitkajo

    To me all the Christmas movies collectively have more meaning and weight then all the bible stuff. For example where do I get moral guidance from? Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer( dont bully the kids that are different cause they might lead Santa's sleigh someday), Christmas Story( be careful with guns cause you might shoot your eye out kid!), Its a Wonderful Life (Dont trust the big banksters…) Grinch that Stole Christmas( You dont have to spend all that money and eat all that fattening stuff to enjoy Christmas just sing the songs!). The Santa Clause ( make sure you read the fine print…)
    I could go on and on.

  49. sitkajo

    Texas is a big state…it would take at least two days for those yahoos to drive from Amarillo to the border. Then they have to drive thru Oklahoma and Kansas. It could be four days before they get as far as Chicago. Hopefully by then you would know they are coming. Or they might run out of gas? One could hope anyway…

  50. ga5speed02

    i agree with him that xmas is about commercialism, and a lie, but he needs to realize that christ doesnt exist just like santa

  51. dave_hartx

    Cognitive reasoning , basic historical facts , the real world outside "Hicksville" have no part of these people's live .
    "Christmas" was hijacked from the pagen winter solstice festival
    Jesus wasn't the "son of God " .. just think for one frigging moment how anyone could seriously consider how ridiculous the notion that he was would be . God , creator of 100 billion galaxies, with billions of stars in each just happen to pop up in Palentine 2000 years ago to impregnate a life form whose brain and dexterity abibilty was (questionably) better than anything elses .

  52. Santa Claus

    HUH! I have no soul? let me ask you something..ok? for 31 years, at Christmas, I've ministered to the homeless, low income families, orphans, the elderly in nursing homes and the sick and injured in hospitals. Out of my own pocket I feed the poor, give blankets to the homeless, take toys to low income families who can't afford them for their children, encourage the down hearted and wittness to the lost…is this not what Jesus asked us to do "James 1:27" all this while this church preaches about commercialism & bad mouths me? What do these people do for others at Christmas? Does Repent Amarillo do any of the above that I've mentioned? Jumping Jingle Bells!! …..I'll pray for your chruch…..If you don't like me thats ok, Christmas is'nt about me and I'll be the frist to admit it. AND let me say for the record, I've never tried to eclispe Jesus at Christmas or any other time….ok? If you want to make a change at Christmas try some community service to the less fortunate instead of intolerance..
    ♥ one another, the Christmas message has never changed.

  53. jjm85900

    Any Christian who makes God look bad in the eyes of children will be treated as a non-believer. The Bible is clear on this. Santa may represent Sin, but executing him will surely land you in Hell.

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