true hate

Peter King: I’m No Bigot; Here Are Some Bigoted Things I Believe

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Sure fits in good.Rep. Peter King is going to be the new chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee next month, but some people (i.e., terrorists) have a problem with this, because Peter King has a habit of saying really bigoted things about Muslims. This hurt Peter King’s feelings so much that he got all defensive and penned an op-ed in today’s Newsday (his “enemy”) about how he is actually American Islam’s best friend. “Indeed, in 1995 the ICLI honored me for my ‘support of the Muslim community in general’ and my ‘advocacy of human rights in Bosnia and Kashmir.'” Indeed, he certainly hasn’t said anything mean about Muslims since he got that award, in 1995, and, indeed, American Muslims are now being turned into al-Qaedas by their imams.

In the 90s, Pete King basically was Muslim:

I attended the Islamic Center of Long Island (ICLI) in Westbury on a regular basis, visited socially with local Muslim leaders, had Muslim students intern in my office, and advocated for Pakistan’s position against India in Kashmir.

Better put Pete King on a watch list. That’s the profile of a future terrorist right there.


Even today I cannot begin to describe the disappointment, anger and outrage I felt when, barely a month after those attacks that killed so many hundreds of Long Islanders, prominent Long Island Muslim leaders were insisting there was no evidence that al-Qaida was responsible for the attacks – even saying it could have been the CIA, the FBI or the Zionists!

Even more troubling is that to this day, no Muslim leader has denounced those vile remarks. Nor did Newsday say a word about these slanders – no moral outrage or condemnation. No demand for an apology or even an explanation.

Fucking Newsday. Unfortunately, no Muslim leader has denounced these vile remarks, because this anecdote was probably pulled out of Peter King’s ass. If it is true, these “Long Island Muslim leaders” (the most powerful kind of Muslim leaders!) were actually on the opposite side of al-Qaeda, because al-Qaeda was very unequivocal about their responsibility for the 9/11 attacks. In fact, this is one of the few issues on which the U.S. and al-Qaeda agree.

Sponsored Intermission

As I became more immersed in attempting to unravel the radical Islamic threat to our nation and our civilization, it became more and more obvious to me that the moral myopia of Long Island’s Muslim leaders and their apologists in the media was the rule – and that there were few exceptions.

Peter King is the only man who has unraveled this secret code, which makes Muslims terrorists. It is just like the Da Vinci Code, and Pete King is just like Tom Hanks, only sexier.

King goes on to say that because a few young Muslim men have been entrapped into becoming faux terrorists by the FBI, American imams are at fault for secretly allowing Muslims to become radical terrorists. But Pete King loves regular America Muslims who are not terrorists, he says, paradoxically. So what is it about the imams that makes him hate them so much? Pete King was angling for a cushy imam job in the 90s but was beat out by a more suave, actually Muslim guy, probably.

And then 9/11 happened. COINCIDENCE? [Newsday]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • MadBrahms

    And all men should apologize for every rape, all white people for every instance of discrimination, and Christians for just about everything, really.

    • Jason_inthe_Peg

      It's the moral relativism man! The moral relativism!

    • V572625694

      Well, not the crucifixion. Jews did that, as we all know. Where's teh apology?

  • chascates

    What's radicalizing American Muslims could be ignorant wingtards braying that all Muslims are terrorists and should be constantly watched, if not deported or jailed.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Out of town buddy just called, he's here so I have an excuse for Monday drinking. I think I will ask my barman to whip me up a Long Island Muslim Leader.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hey now, don't make me feel guilty for using Monday as an excuse for Monday drinking. Then, there are other days of the week too.

    • Negropolis

      Now, tell me, is that weaker or stronger than a Long Island Iced Teatard?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Can we investigate radical Irish Catholics who supported IRA terrorists? Star witness: Peter King.

  • SorosBot

    Saying that the CIA was responsible for 9/11 instead of al Quaeda is a conspiracy theory, not a "vile remark", and it's a sign the speaker might be a bit crazy, but not evil.

    • Sassomatic

      Or Iranian. My understanding is that theory is popular with even the most reasonable-minded of Iranians.

      • SorosBot

        When the only news media available is the state-controlled equivalent of Fox News, that's not really all that surprising.

    • V572625694

      Ha ha, as if the CIA were that competent!

    • prommie

      You are correct sir, thats just crazy talk. The CIA killed Kennedy, but they didn't do 9-11. The Saudis did that.

      • SorosBot

        Who killed the Kennedys? Well, after all, it was you and me.

      • HistoriCat

        No way the CIA did Kennedy – after all, he's dead.

    • CalamityJames

      Supposedly, a "conspiracy theory" is only a theory until a single fact supports it, then it simply becomes a "conspiracy." But seriously, the only "evidence" (as faulty as it is) that has been shown has been that of "the crazies," while the official version is "Yep, they did it." I mean, even the videos of OBL were translated by gov't officials, of the same gov't bound and determined to make us believe.

      As a side-note – Recently becoming unemployed, I've discovered the grand novelty of mixing alcohol with netflix documentaries.

  • freakishlywrong

    I've just upfisted all my fellow Wonketteers. The next two years will either be a rich tapestry of hatefulness, bigotry and ignorance or the Revolution will actually happen. Either way, I'm stocking up on cases of boxes of wine.

    • fuflans

      how IS that boxed wine? I am not being sarcastic.

      • BornInATrailer

        It's weird. The first glass is generally atrocious. The 2nd and 3rd aren't much better. But by the 6th glass it is really quite palatable. Apparently the vinters put the better wine towards the bottom. Haven't remembered to try shaking the box first.

        • Failure_Artist

          Funny, I've noticed that trend with every alcoholic beverage.

          • WABishop

            And with one's drinking companions.

    • V572625694

      Don't punish yourself with boxed wine, for Jeebus sake. No one deserves that.

    • Negropolis

      Here you are stocking up boxes of wine, when the teatards are stocking up on guns, water, and sweet, precious gold.

      You don't bring wine to a gun fight!

      • HistoriCat

        Hard liquor or GTFO.

  • bumfug

    I hope Peter King's underpants explode.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Approximately five seconds after that photo was taken, something in King's underpants definitely exploded. Judging from the smile on semi-automatic-guy's face, is all I'm saying.

  • Maman

    Any chance that Rep. King was at ICLI because those folks were, like, constituents of his or something? Clearly a bold move on his part

    • HistoriCat

      And then re-districting occurred? It's a good theory – I like it.

  • Sassomatic

    I blame the Long Island Ice Teabaggers.

  • Radiotherapy

    Bogie Man Fever.

  • ph7

    barely a month after those attacks that killed so many hundreds of Long Islanders, prominent Long Island Muslim leaders were insisting there was no evidence that al-Qaida was responsible

    Glad to see a patriot like Pete King finally speak the truth about the Montauk Monster.

  • chickensmack

    Peter King is only learning from Pope Scheiße that it's okay to misdirect blame.

  • SexySmurf

    Pakistan’s position against India in Kashmir=funding suicide bombers to kill innocent people. Peter King is the same asshole who used to raise money for the IRA. Maybe Muslims should agree to only kill Protestants? That prick should be in jail not in Congress.

    • Ducksworthy

      Hmmm. Lets see. The IRA's greatest ever success was blowing up Lord Louie Mountbatten who's greatest ever success was the partition of India which makes Peter King an asswhole.

  • Crank_Tango

    Your move, Steve King.

    • Moonbatting Average

      Is there some House bylaw about having the last name "King" and being a complete fucknozzle?

      • Crank_Tango

        there must be. this guy gets extra points for looking like "greaseball businessman No. 2" on the sopranos tho.

  • metamarcisf

    His football analysis on NBC is bad enough. Now we have to put up with his verbal pissing like: "okay how about instant replay" on 9/11 or the "overtime rules for enemy combatants have to re-evaluated". This the Sports Illustrated guy, right??!?

    • SystemError

      I can't say which Peter King I hate hearing more.

    • Radiotherapy

      Oh, you guys are so right. The fucknut football one called Otto Graham the greatest QB of all time, with, like Sonny Jurgenson as #2. What a an idiot.

    • Moonbatting Average

      Best weekly takedown of the SI version of Peter King on the Series of Tubes

  • nounverb911

    I didn't know Timothy McVeigh was Muslim.

    • ulTIMum

      By default. All them lowlife rednecks, like Lee Harvey and James Earl, are expelled from the club when they're caught. Remember they even tried to degrade Oswald's Marine discharge.

  • angryclownspawn

    Dear Pete, I know we were BFFs for live ever and ever. But that was before we realized you were out of your fucking mind. So, we will just catch up with you at the witch hunt you already have planned. Thanks for the invites.

    American Muslins

  • weejee

    Peter King speaks in tongues, but his speech is more the tongues of the wagons that would get raised to facilitate a hangin' on the treeless American prairie & desert on the way to ghey Californy, or mehbe the Bunkhouse on LawnGuyland.

    • V572625694

      Nice metaphor!

      Was "Bonanza" the gayest teevee series evah?

      • weejee

        Hoss, Adam, and Little Joe were chap slappers? Who knew? What about Hop Sing?

  • mumbly_joe

    To be fair, '95 Peter King probably *should* be on a terror watch list, given his open material support for secterian terrorists in the British Isles.

  • horsedreamer_1

    In the 90s, the U.S. was still cool toward India, for the Subcontinent's chumminess with the Soviets in the preceding thirty or forty years, so of course PK would take Pakistan's view of Kashmir as the right one. PAK was always our Cold War proxy in South Asia.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I'm no bigot!!! Why, none of my best friends are Muslims!!"

  • edgydrifter

    Pete King loves and respects all Muslims, as long as they're Christian.

  • Clancy_Pants

    I do not hate (Insert Minority Here).
    Some of my best friends are (Insert Minority Here).
    If I in any way hurt any (Insert Minority Here) by my remarks it was unintended and I am sorry if anyone was offended.


  • MistaEko

    Rep King's Long Island Muslim Leader:

    1 pt. Gin
    1 pt Hearsay
    1 pt Redstate comment thread
    1 pt. Exurban bitters

    Under NO circumstances replace CAIR representative for gin.

    Mix well
    Add twist(ed facts)
    Strain anecdote over ice
    Apply conclusion liberally
    Add straw(man argument)
    Serve to idiot fanbase

  • Oblios_Cap

    In this Xmas season, it is only fitting that Merica be graced by the insane ramblings of Rep. King, who is truly a King of Kings.

    prominent Long Island Muslim leaders were insisting there was no evidence that al-Qaida was responsible for the attacks – even saying it could have been the CIA, the FBI or the Zionists!

    I hears ya, Petey! I doubt it was the FBI or Zionists, too. The CIA, maybe I could see that.

  • prommie

    Some of his best friends are very very urban, too.

    • nounverb911

      Wasn't that Steve King? I get the Kings confused too.

  • fuflans

    america: from 'shining city on a hill' to 'garbage dump on the outskirts of peoria' in less than a couple decades.

    go USA!!!j!

  • bitchincamaro2

    When there is so much other bacteria fighting for a place in the body politic, it requires an extraordinary aggressive organism to dominate the host. King is a loathsome survivor.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Nicely said

      • bitchincamaro2

        Hunkered down with flu for 3 days; the germ analogy comes naturally.

    • prommie

      I have thumbed you up, as I always do, simply because I love the Dead Milkmen.

      • bitchincamaro2

        That's sweet. But what about the free biology lesson!?

        • Crank_Tango

          now I would like to know how Pete King is like a big lizard in your back yard.

          • bitchincamaro2

            Cuz we live on the same island?

  • WarAndGee

    Though I've said this before…

    Peter on behalf of young military white guys of the mid 1990's, of which I was one, I want to apologize to Oklahoma City and the victims murdered by Timothy McVeigh.

    Immediately following the tragedy I could not believe ONE OF OURS could kill innocent American men women and children just going about their business. But it was one of our paranoid, reactionary, ex military, Christian WHITE GUYS, and I forgot to publicly denounce him then.

    So I am very sorry. Hope you feel better about that now too.

  • BornInATrailer

    You also have a freakish ability to dole out pee points!

  • Gratuitous World

    Long Island Muslim Leaders ate my homework.

  • DashboardBuddha

    mmmm, yeah baby.

  • donner_froh

    "Even today I cannot begin to describe the disappointment, anger and outrage I felt "

    Based on his the ability to think that he shows here–and every time he opens his mouth–Peter King couldn't begin to describe his morning bowel movement.

    • Crank_Tango

      however, he could do a good imitation of said BM.

  • SayItWithWookies

    If being sick of Peter King's paleolithic bullshit is what makes one a radicalized Muslim, then 90% of the country is about to take flying lessons.

  • PublicLuxury

    I wonder what Rep. Pete King thinks about the Christian Terrorist that roam about bombing Federal Buildings, defacing government property, assassinating gynecologists, threatening our President, shooting the shit out of Santa Claus, exercising their 2ND Amendment rights. . .

    The latest brown people are scary

  • Jukesgrrl

    I don't know which one of the Congressman Kings to hate the most. Pete and Steve — both utter morons.

  • bitchincamaro2

    As a resident of Queens, I hereby sever the Boro, from the Island of Long.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    He looks like a manager at Applebee's
    … not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • Redhead

    Well how DARE they not refudiate those vile remarks that I pulled out of my ass! Since they didn't, they must be true, or else they would have refudiated them by now.

    Just like Glenn Beck never refudiated those rumors that he raped and killed a girl in 1990. Speaking of which, where was Beck on 9/11?

  • PhilippePetain

    This Christmas, I'm going to try punching my pop in the face while I tell him that I love him. It's the new American Way.

  • assistantatlas

    Preview Of Your New Republican Congress:
    Speaker – Orange Lobbyist Smoking Golfer Crybaby
    Maj. Leader – Token Jew
    Banking Chair – Says He Works For The Banks (I believe him!)
    Energy Chair – BP's Most Prominent Fellator
    Homeland Security Chair – Actual IRA Terrorist
    Budget Chair – Cut Taxes On The Rich/Cut Spending On The Poor Guy
    Climate Change Chair – hahahaha, WTF is that?

  • hagajim

    It's nice that Peter and the boys from the right now have a new boogeyman to throw at the Merikan peeples. Since it no longer politically (or societally) correct to scare the whiteys with the threat that the nigras will rape their wimmens with their giant black penii, ruining them for small dick whiteys everywhere, they can now throw out the Muslin meme to scare them (look, Muslins are gonna blow you all up!)

    One party rules through the use of fear, and the other through a mindnumbing mix of cowardice and stupidity. Man I'm glad to be Merikan!

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Dear God, and this is how they are acting before they have any real power. It's going to be one hell of a ride for the next two years.

  • aguacatero

    … and the amazing thing is he isn't even the craziest, or even the racistiest, King in the House Republican caucus!

  • ttommyunger

    The Krazy King Twins, Sucky and Fucky are apparently in a contest to see which of them can be the most bizarre asshole in Congress. Buckle up folks, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

    • HistoriCat

      Buy stock in alcohol companies with your remaining Ameros – getting drunk is going to to be one of the last refuges for the next couple of years.

      • ttommyunger

        I think I am already dead inside.

  • spooked911

    yeah, totally fucking crazy to think that the CIA had anything to do with 9/11