WONKETTE WEATHER CENTER  2:31 pm December 20, 2010

Your Weather: America Prepares, 2010

by Ken Layne

Dead thing found on White House lawn (a rat?)From coast to coast, America is getting plenty of winter weather — and just in time for winter, too. Weather predicting people say these trends may continue all the way to Christmas. Whether this is a “good thing” or a “bad thing” depends very much on your planned activities for the holidays. For instance, those planning to stay home and drink wine from the bottle while keeping the lights off so the neighbors won’t “drop by” with whatever, cookies or something, experts say these people will be least affected by the coming blizzards, mudslides, eclipses and deluges. On the other hand, natural gas explosions and power lines freezing and snapping like toothpicks (or bones?) will turn many apartments and houses into icy graves. Also, Joe Biden called a website a “high tech terrorist” because he is a stupid old fraud who should be flushed down the Delaware sewers.

From California to New York to the land mass and population centers in between, the United States is getting a violent lashing by sinister forces within the clouds. Here are some of the eyewitness reports of the devastation:

  • California: “I think you guys are going to see a lot of flooding problems,” said meteorologist Mike Pigott.
  • Paris: “Grammy-nominated superstar Lady Gaga was scheduled to perform at Paris’ Bercy stadium on Sunday, but plans were derailed due to severe weather conditions, with authorities banning trucks from entering the city.”
  • Football:“Metrodome’s Collapse, Favre’s Missed Start Both Signs of the Times.”

Be careful out there, wherever that is! Here is some video of Joe Biden being a jabbering asshole:

And here’s Biden trying to use Delaware witchcraft to humiliate a wheelchair-bound American:


Asshole.

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 64 comments }

ManchuCandidate December 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MAN MADE GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE!!!
-brought to you by idiots and tools of the Coal/Gas/Oil/Auto industry

nicnack74 December 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Your hard earned tax dollars at work. Apparently Republicanism and Evangelical Christianity are now synonomous. Since climate change is a farce and the armeggedon is real, only the saved will prevail. Since I am a heathen, I'm toast. In the mean time fuck drinking water, breathable air, and anything else that even smells like conservation! COME ON END OF DAYS! THE RIGHTEOUS WILL INHERIT THE EARTH (apparently its a new interpretation).

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

No, no, it's cold where it's the middle of winter. Therefore Global Warming is a hoax.

OzoneTom December 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Joe was just trying to faith-heal that person.

HempDogbane December 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

For those who aren't NFL fans, consider watching There's Something About Mary tonight, or maybe sending some pictures of your dick to that cute new girl at work.

jim89048 December 20, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Hahaha, work. Like we have jobs.

donner_froh December 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

One man's jabbering asshole is another man's lunacy inspired verbal diarrhea.

thefrontpage December 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Why are the comments closed on the Loretta Sanchez Christmas Card Item? Gawd, that's one of the best items out there today. Please open up the comments on that item! Thanks!

Ken Layne December 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Those comments aren't closed.

(I am SORRY this is not a humorous response, but the comments aren't closed, is all.)

James Michael Curley December 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm

But if you added a Rimshot we would just assume it was funny.

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Zing!

OneDollarJuana December 20, 2010 at 2:39 pm

I'm not so sure Favre didn't miss his start because his wife has his dick in a wringer.

MildMidwesterner December 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Now I have "Ra Ra Ooh La La, Ro Ma Ooh Ma Ma, Ga Ga Ooh La La" stuck in my head.

fuflans December 20, 2010 at 9:41 pm

and now i do too.

SorosBot December 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm

And yet the often blizzard-battered Northeast has been and is supposed to remain cold but clear and sunny; I guess we must have let Europe borrow our seasonal bad weather.

chickensmack December 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

"Tonight, there's a 40% chance of rapture. Now if the Rapture doesn't happen, then things will clear out tomorrow. However, if it does happen, well, get out your sunscreen, folks. It's going to be hot as fuck all winter."

PresBeeblebrox December 20, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Well, the Rapture Index is currently at 171, not far from the all-time high of 182 right after 9/11. Gog and Magog are starting to make noise in teh Middle East, so this is "Fasten Your Seat Belts" time according to the index.
http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

It's obvious that SPECTRE, in partnership with Lex Luthor Enterprises, has finally perfected the Weather Control Machine. World leaders will be receiving an unpleasant holiday card from Ernst Stavro Blofeld come Christmas morning…

BarryOPotter December 21, 2010 at 1:29 pm

"The hell is my pony, Vladimir? I told you what will happen if you let me down…"

bumfug December 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Every new snowstorm = emails from ten guys I knew in high school or the army making fun of Al Gore over climate change.

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

I don't know about this year, but last year during the Snowpacalypse, when esteemed* Senators were spouting the same blather, the Southern Hemisphere was having record-level and deadly heat waves.

* too fucking stupid to understand the meaning of the word "global"

_MISS_T_ December 20, 2010 at 3:12 pm

It's only fair that if they use THAT retarded argument that we can use very hot weather in the southern hemisphere to get them to STFU, right? Only fair, right?
Like the bushfires, drought and Indian summers happening every year just about…my skin blistering after twenty minutes in 115 degree temps…it's a retarded argument but only fair that we can use it!

donner_froh December 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm

It snowed where I live = the climate is fine everywhere.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Faux News will blame all this shitty weather on either a) Obama's moral failings or b) the DADT repeal. Or both, if we're lucky.

SexySmurf December 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

In their defense, Soros does own a machine that controls the weather.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

That's the problem with your typical meat dress — it takes a good twelve hours to thaw.

Crank_Tango December 20, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Take that, Al Gore, you so stoopid!

WarAndGee December 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Why can't the rest of the world be like Oklahoma where there is NO climate change and it's always 69 degrees Inhofe?

Gratuitous World December 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

mostly winter, with 90% chance of gross misrepresentation of climate patterns from myopic, hyperbolic 24-hr news hacks.

edgydrifter December 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

This sure as shit don't look like no global WARMING to me.
[earnestly stares into camera]
Does it to you?

V572625694 December 20, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Glad to see our Wonkette is becoming a full-service news organization, with weather and sports. Can't wait for the sports blooper stuff–that's my favorite part of the local news! Over to you, Ken….

And by the way, that's Bo in the picture. He probably piddled on some priceless silk rug, a gift from the Chinese ambassador.

Ken Layne December 20, 2010 at 2:50 pm

But first, what are we dressing our pets as, for Christmas? Our Vanessa Pillbug has a live report from the mall parking lot ….

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Ooh! Ooh! My chihuahua as a reindeer!! Cute, right?

weejee December 20, 2010 at 2:57 pm

My tarantella will be dressed as Michele Bachmann and my barracuda as Sarah Palin with an underwater gun for shooting seahorses.

nounverb911 December 20, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I'm going to dress my pet grizzly as Sarah Palin.

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

It might make a nice change from the fucking political blooper reel.

bitchincamaro2 December 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

David Gregory is a talking bag of pus. I love the way he throws the first softball to Idiot Joe, then nods affirmatively while lobbing the next powder puff. Love to see a stadium roof collapse on his world this season.

PublicLuxury December 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Climate Change Is A Hoax. Global Warming Is Made Up. It is my job to write headlines for Red State and Free Republic. Suggestions?

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Homos Want to Make Military All Gay. Quote: "Hot Pink is the New Olive Drab."

horsedreamer_1 December 21, 2010 at 10:37 am

I have seen Urban Camouflage in variations of pink, so it's already here.

elviouslyqueer December 21, 2010 at 11:20 am

Really? WANT. NOW.

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

BREAKING: Scientists pursue climate change research only because it helps them get famous!

Said notable scientist Dr. Fibber McPhysicspants "LIFE AIN'T NUTHIN' BUT BITCHES AND MONEY AND BTW ANTHROPOMORPHIC CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL, HATERZ"

Al Gore could not be reached for comment, since he is a giant Communist.

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 9:38 am

You forgot fat – gotta say that Al's fat.

SexySmurf December 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Because of the repeal of DADT it is now officially raining men. Hallelujah, it is raining men.

SheriffRoscoe December 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Dear Mother Nature,

You can blow, piss and howl all you want this week. All I ask is that you keep the olds who like to scowl and shove their finger in my face while telling me NO ICE in that tomato juice; and the young couples with their babes wrapped in swaddling poop clothes, off my goddamned flight.

Love ya,
Roscoe

nounverb911 December 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Would you prefer the children or no children section sir?

hilacious December 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Either this needs to happen, or someone needs to start a child-free airline. Virgin I'm looking at you.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 4:08 pm

You forgot about the moratorium on fats who insist on having the window seat, but have to get up every. two. seconds. because of their chronic incontinence.

SudsMcKenzie December 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I blame Snowbama

angryclownspawn December 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

James Michael Curley December 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

But if the temperature is below 0 degrees Cent., Lady GaGa's dress will keep for another six months.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I thought Bo was a waterdog. What gives????

PubOption December 21, 2010 at 10:11 am

Must be a frozen waterdog!

KochFembot December 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Here's to hoping Inhofe freezes himself into a block of ice to prove that global warming is a hoax. Or Al Gore's stupid. Or something.

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Women! Can't live without 'em, but one you let them in, you won't be able to live.

All this wintry mix coming early — La Nina.

AntonovBureau December 20, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Has Fox News discredited that whole climate warming thingy (somehow implicating the evil Al Gore?)

BlueStateLibel December 20, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Now we are calling someone who hasn't killed anyone, and who isn't planning on killing on anyone, a terrorist? And that Bo looks awfully big, what are they feeding him?

metamarcisf December 20, 2010 at 3:58 pm

What a cute picture. However, the caption should read: "Former candidate Gary Bauer gazes longingly at the White House". It brings a tear to the eye.

Sassomatic December 20, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Clearly this is God punishing America for repealing DADT. God is punishing everyone except snowboarders, for some reason.

finallyhappy December 20, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Now a mean alt text about Bo! I've said it again and again and will be repeating it until 2016- LEAVE BO ALONE! My emo mascara is running as I write this.

Sassomatic December 20, 2010 at 5:44 pm

I will not believe in climate change until I see its birf certificate.

imissopus December 20, 2010 at 7:41 pm

Oh Uncle Joe can you tell me what you know,
I've been having mental problems and the solution is unclear

ttommyunger December 20, 2010 at 11:59 pm

"Pal" and "Buddy" roll off of Biden's tongue just like "Sir" and "Ma'am" roll off of a snotty retail clerk's tongue. Always sounds dismissive; like "Fuckwad" to me.

marinmaven December 21, 2010 at 4:13 am

Was only able to see the tiniest sliver of the eclipse through the clouds. Yes, it stopped raining only to give me a shred of hope. The clouds even opened up at the beginning of the eclipse to give me more hope. Every 15 minutes the clouds would open up randomly to give me a snapshot of it the moon in transition. Clouds ultimately robbed me of total eclipse action. I blame it on this climate change crap. This cloud mass should be happening to Seattle and we should have clear, chilly (by whimpy California standards of course) weather.

Clearly the moon turns the dark color of blood only because the gods hate us for that last mid-term election.

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