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Your Weather: America Prepares, 2010

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Dead thing found on White House lawn (a rat?)From coast to coast, America is getting plenty of winter weather — and just in time for winter, too. Weather predicting people say these trends may continue all the way to Christmas. Whether this is a “good thing” or a “bad thing” depends very much on your planned activities for the holidays. For instance, those planning to stay home and drink wine from the bottle while keeping the lights off so the neighbors won’t “drop by” with whatever, cookies or something, experts say these people will be least affected by the coming blizzards, mudslides, eclipses and deluges. On the other hand, natural gas explosions and power lines freezing and snapping like toothpicks (or bones?) will turn many apartments and houses into icy graves. Also, Joe Biden called a website a “high tech terrorist” because he is a stupid old fraud who should be flushed down the Delaware sewers.

From California to New York to the land mass and population centers in between, the United States is getting a violent lashing by sinister forces within the clouds. Here are some of the eyewitness reports of the devastation:

  • California: “I think you guys are going to see a lot of flooding problems,” said meteorologist Mike Pigott.
  • Paris: “Grammy-nominated superstar Lady Gaga was scheduled to perform at Paris’ Bercy stadium on Sunday, but plans were derailed due to severe weather conditions, with authorities banning trucks from entering the city.”
  • Football:“Metrodome’s Collapse, Favre’s Missed Start Both Signs of the Times.”

Be careful out there, wherever that is! Here is some video of Joe Biden being a jabbering asshole:

And here’s Biden trying to use Delaware witchcraft to humiliate a wheelchair-bound American:


Asshole.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MAN MADE GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE!!!
    -brought to you by idiots and tools of the Coal/Gas/Oil/Auto industry

    • nicnack74

      Your hard earned tax dollars at work. Apparently Republicanism and Evangelical Christianity are now synonomous. Since climate change is a farce and the armeggedon is real, only the saved will prevail. Since I am a heathen, I'm toast. In the mean time fuck drinking water, breathable air, and anything else that even smells like conservation! COME ON END OF DAYS! THE RIGHTEOUS WILL INHERIT THE EARTH (apparently its a new interpretation).

    • ShaveTheWhales

      No, no, it's cold where it's the middle of winter. Therefore Global Warming is a hoax.

  • OzoneTom

    Joe was just trying to faith-heal that person.

  • HempDogbane

    For those who aren't NFL fans, consider watching There's Something About Mary tonight, or maybe sending some pictures of your dick to that cute new girl at work.

    • jim89048

      Hahaha, work. Like we have jobs.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    One man's jabbering asshole is another man's lunacy inspired verbal diarrhea.

  • thefrontpage

    Why are the comments closed on the Loretta Sanchez Christmas Card Item? Gawd, that's one of the best items out there today. Please open up the comments on that item! Thanks!

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Those comments aren't closed.

      (I am SORRY this is not a humorous response, but the comments aren't closed, is all.)

      • James Michael Curley

        But if you added a Rimshot we would just assume it was funny.

        • BarryOPotter

          Zing!

  • OneDollarJuana

    I'm not so sure Favre didn't miss his start because his wife has his dick in a wringer.

  • MildMidwesterner

    Now I have "Ra Ra Ooh La La, Ro Ma Ooh Ma Ma, Ga Ga Ooh La La" stuck in my head.

    • fuflans

      and now i do too.

  • SorosBot

    And yet the often blizzard-battered Northeast has been and is supposed to remain cold but clear and sunny; I guess we must have let Europe borrow our seasonal bad weather.

  • chickensmack

    "Tonight, there's a 40% chance of rapture. Now if the Rapture doesn't happen, then things will clear out tomorrow. However, if it does happen, well, get out your sunscreen, folks. It's going to be hot as fuck all winter."

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Well, the Rapture Index is currently at 171, not far from the all-time high of 182 right after 9/11. Gog and Magog are starting to make noise in teh Middle East, so this is "Fasten Your Seat Belts" time according to the index.
      http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's obvious that SPECTRE, in partnership with Lex Luthor Enterprises, has finally perfected the Weather Control Machine. World leaders will be receiving an unpleasant holiday card from Ernst Stavro Blofeld come Christmas morning…

    • BarryOPotter

      "The hell is my pony, Vladimir? I told you what will happen if you let me down…"

  • bumfug

    Every new snowstorm = emails from ten guys I knew in high school or the army making fun of Al Gore over climate change.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I don't know about this year, but last year during the Snowpacalypse, when esteemed* Senators were spouting the same blather, the Southern Hemisphere was having record-level and deadly heat waves.

      * too fucking stupid to understand the meaning of the word "global"

    • _MISS_T_

      It's only fair that if they use THAT retarded argument that we can use very hot weather in the southern hemisphere to get them to STFU, right? Only fair, right?
      Like the bushfires, drought and Indian summers happening every year just about…my skin blistering after twenty minutes in 115 degree temps…it's a retarded argument but only fair that we can use it!

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      It snowed where I live = the climate is fine everywhere.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Faux News will blame all this shitty weather on either a) Obama's moral failings or b) the DADT repeal. Or both, if we're lucky.

    • SexySmurf

      In their defense, Soros does own a machine that controls the weather.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's the problem with your typical meat dress — it takes a good twelve hours to thaw.

  • Crank_Tango

    Take that, Al Gore, you so stoopid!

  • WarAndGee

    Why can't the rest of the world be like Oklahoma where there is NO climate change and it's always 69 degrees Inhofe?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    mostly winter, with 90% chance of gross misrepresentation of climate patterns from myopic, hyperbolic 24-hr news hacks.

    • edgydrifter

      This sure as shit don't look like no global WARMING to me.
      [earnestly stares into camera]
      Does it to you?

  • V572625694

    Glad to see our Wonkette is becoming a full-service news organization, with weather and sports. Can't wait for the sports blooper stuff–that's my favorite part of the local news! Over to you, Ken….

    And by the way, that's Bo in the picture. He probably piddled on some priceless silk rug, a gift from the Chinese ambassador.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      But first, what are we dressing our pets as, for Christmas? Our Vanessa Pillbug has a live report from the mall parking lot ….

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Ooh! Ooh! My chihuahua as a reindeer!! Cute, right?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        My tarantella will be dressed as Michele Bachmann and my barracuda as Sarah Palin with an underwater gun for shooting seahorses.

      • nounverb911

        I'm going to dress my pet grizzly as Sarah Palin.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      It might make a nice change from the fucking political blooper reel.

  • bitchincamaro2

    David Gregory is a talking bag of pus. I love the way he throws the first softball to Idiot Joe, then nods affirmatively while lobbing the next powder puff. Love to see a stadium roof collapse on his world this season.

  • PublicLuxury

    Climate Change Is A Hoax. Global Warming Is Made Up. It is my job to write headlines for Red State and Free Republic. Suggestions?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Homos Want to Make Military All Gay. Quote: "Hot Pink is the New Olive Drab."

      • horsedreamer_1

        I have seen Urban Camouflage in variations of pink, so it's already here.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Really? WANT. NOW.

    • SmutBoffin

      BREAKING: Scientists pursue climate change research only because it helps them get famous!

      Said notable scientist Dr. Fibber McPhysicspants "LIFE AIN'T NUTHIN' BUT BITCHES AND MONEY AND BTW ANTHROPOMORPHIC CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL, HATERZ"

      Al Gore could not be reached for comment, since he is a giant Communist.

      • HistoriCat

        You forgot fat – gotta say that Al's fat.

  • SexySmurf

    Because of the repeal of DADT it is now officially raining men. Hallelujah, it is raining men.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Dear Mother Nature,

    You can blow, piss and howl all you want this week. All I ask is that you keep the olds who like to scowl and shove their finger in my face while telling me NO ICE in that tomato juice; and the young couples with their babes wrapped in swaddling poop clothes, off my goddamned flight.

    Love ya,
    Roscoe

    • nounverb911

      Would you prefer the children or no children section sir?

      • hilacious

        Either this needs to happen, or someone needs to start a child-free airline. Virgin I'm looking at you.

    • elviouslyqueer

      You forgot about the moratorium on fats who insist on having the window seat, but have to get up every. two. seconds. because of their chronic incontinence.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I blame Snowbama

  • angryclownspawn

    This is good news for John McCain.

  • James Michael Curley

    But if the temperature is below 0 degrees Cent., Lady GaGa's dress will keep for another six months.

  • jus_wonderin

    I thought Bo was a waterdog. What gives????

    • PubOption

      Must be a frozen waterdog!

  • KochFembot

    Here's to hoping Inhofe freezes himself into a block of ice to prove that global warming is a hoax. Or Al Gore's stupid. Or something.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Women! Can't live without 'em, but one you let them in, you won't be able to live.

    All this wintry mix coming early — La Nina.

  • AntonovBureau

    Has Fox News discredited that whole climate warming thingy (somehow implicating the evil Al Gore?)

  • BlueStateLibel

    Now we are calling someone who hasn't killed anyone, and who isn't planning on killing on anyone, a terrorist? And that Bo looks awfully big, what are they feeding him?

  • metamarcisf

    What a cute picture. However, the caption should read: "Former candidate Gary Bauer gazes longingly at the White House". It brings a tear to the eye.

  • Sassomatic

    Clearly this is God punishing America for repealing DADT. God is punishing everyone except snowboarders, for some reason.

  • finallyhappy

    Now a mean alt text about Bo! I've said it again and again and will be repeating it until 2016- LEAVE BO ALONE! My emo mascara is running as I write this.

  • Sassomatic

    I will not believe in climate change until I see its birf certificate.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Oh Uncle Joe can you tell me what you know,
    I've been having mental problems and the solution is unclear

  • ttommyunger

    "Pal" and "Buddy" roll off of Biden's tongue just like "Sir" and "Ma'am" roll off of a snotty retail clerk's tongue. Always sounds dismissive; like "Fuckwad" to me.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    Was only able to see the tiniest sliver of the eclipse through the clouds. Yes, it stopped raining only to give me a shred of hope. The clouds even opened up at the beginning of the eclipse to give me more hope. Every 15 minutes the clouds would open up randomly to give me a snapshot of it the moon in transition. Clouds ultimately robbed me of total eclipse action. I blame it on this climate change crap. This cloud mass should be happening to Seattle and we should have clear, chilly (by whimpy California standards of course) weather.

    Clearly the moon turns the dark color of blood only because the gods hate us for that last mid-term election.