And by 'interviews,' he means he sucks their cocks in the glory hole.Virginia, fresh off the thrilling conservative victory of getting a Republican judge to rule part of Obamacare unconstitutional, is now looking to ban gays from the National Guard in its state, because playing around with secessionary tactics is the second greatest passion in the South. (#1 passion: the South.) Republican state Del. Bob Marshall is leading the charge on this legislation and very coincidentally is said to be interested in a run for U.S. Senate. “This policy will weaken military recruitment and retention, and will increase pressure for a military draft,” he said, images of sweaty gay penises dancing in his head. Hope your muskets are cleaned and ready to go, straight Virginia, because the federal government’s camouflaged agents may try to take back that bit of its military you just tried to cut loose.

More from the Confederacy’s top gay-constitutional scholar:

“After 232 years of prohibiting active, open homosexuals from enlisting in our military, President Obama and a majority in Congress are conducting a social experiment with our troops and our national security…In countries where religions and cultures find homosexual acts immoral, the Obama administration’s repeal policy will work to the detriment of all American troops in securing local cooperation with our nation’s foreign policy goals.”

Those countries that we’re occupying really have this whole gay thing figured out. Bob Marshall is right: Americans should all convert to Islam immediately, because it has a better moral code. And then we can implement their other exciting ideas of good governance in this new Confederacy of idiot state officials who know they’re smarter than Congress. [WP]

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  • PresBeeblebrox

    Bob Interviews Concerned Virginia Citizens at Virginia Rest Stops Glory Holes.


    • BaldarTFlagass

      Every time someone else does it, my own alt-text faux pas gets a little bit smaller in the rear view mirror.

  • Crank_Tango

    Virginia is for lovers, of discrimination.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “After 232 years of prohibiting active, open homosexuals from enlisting in our military, President Obama and a majority in Congress are conducting a social experiment with our troops and our national security…In countries where religions and cultures find homosexual acts immoral, the Obama administration’s repeal policy will work to the detriment of all American troops in securing local cooperation with our nation’s foreign policy goals.”

    You've got to admire the GOP's willingness to just make up facts to suit whatwever point they're trying to make. Because I doubt that gay troops have been barred from serving, by law, in the US Armed Forces since the birth of the Republic.

    • James Michael Curley

      Yea, though since the espousing of the Republic hath not Socrates sayeth, "Most certainly, and I should be disposed to go further, and say: Let
      no one whom he has a mind to kiss refuse to be kissed by him while
      the expedition lasts. So that if there be a lover in the army, whether
      his love be youth or maiden, he may be more eager to win the prize
      of valour."

    • LionelHutzEsq

      You have to be right. Did you see the wigs they had on during the Revolutionary war? Flaming!

  • Goddammit home state, I'm tired of hanging my head in shame over you. And these days it's getting to be a reflex whenever anyone even says your name.

    • JohnyEdge

      Just give thanks you aren't from Texas. I'd be so proud to be from a liberal, progressive place like Virginia myself.

      • HistoriCat

        Hell, I went to college and ended up moving to Texas.

        In my defense, it was because of a girl.

  • V572625694

    #1 passion: fond reminiscences of a South that probably never existed, where every white man had slaves to do his bidding and keep his women satisfied while he played golf.


    • A slight correction, V: Most white southerners didn't own slaves, but they did aspire to. It's a lot like the trailer-dwelling populace now favoring tax breaks for billionaires, which they hope to enjoy when those lottery tickets and slip-and-fall law suits come through.

      • V572625694

        Exactly, thus: “a South that never existed, where every white man…” Jeebus, can I be pedantic! Like Leonard Cohen's singing voice, it's a gift.

        The beauty of it was that even poor non-slave-owning whites could treat Black people like shit, and feel good about it. The same way teabaggers can feel good about tax cuts for the rich, even though they'll never be rich.

        • HistoriCat

          "even poor non-slave-owning whites could treat Black people like shit, and feel good about it."

          the more things change …

    • OneDollarJuana

      Of course it never existed. Just as the idyllic, peaceful society of the 1950's never really existed, especially for minorities. Shoot, Mad Magazine poked fun at junkies in the '50s when they weren't even supposed to exist. Just as the memory of post-WWII economic success had much, much less to do with American Industrial wonderfulness than it had to do with the fact that Europe and Japan had destroyed most of their industry. Just as the Golden Economic Era of the '90s was probably as much a result of a once-in-a-lifetime gold rush of technology as it was a result of magic Clinton tax laws. If that Southern world reappeared, I'm sure most of those good ol' boys would be very surprised and not very happy to find that they were sharecroppers or dying of black or brown lung, just as before. Only without any social safety net.

      • V572625694

        Wow, you won't let us have any illusions about American Xceptionalism.

      • SorosBot

        While the 50s was not a good time for black people or other racial minorities, women, gay people, or Jews, most of the people who long for the idyllic imagined 50s long for it for precisely that reason; they don't admit that in polite, non-bigoted company.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Last time I checked, when you add up racial minorities, women, gay people, and Jews you get waay more than 50%, even if you use Fox math.

          • SorosBot

            But back then they knew their place; and if they got out of line, the white men controlled all the cops and national guard.

          • Negropolis

            Stop being disagreeable just to be such.

  • SorosBot

    Why doesn't Rep. Marshall support our troops?

  • Because now these countries are going to hate us? Oh right.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, look at a map. Virginia is just a bit self-conscious about being mounted from behind by West Virginia since the Civil War. Being the "top" on North Carolina doesn't make up for it.

    • LetEnglandShake

      At least we're a Power Bottom~

  • And this is how I jerk off two guys at once.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Interviewing concerned citizens at rest stops? Didn't George Michael get arrested for that?

    • arcane_allusion

      Maeby. But I think you're thinking of his uncle Tobias.

  • genxr

    So that whole "coalition of the willing" failed to pacify Iraq because every single country except the US allows gays in their military? Does Bush admit this mistake in his memoir?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Sic Semper Uranus

  • his sensitivity to the foreign cultures he supports bombing-the-shit-out-of is truly admirable.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Most countries, like Japan, love having our rapey soldiers roaming off the base and accosting their teen womens. So no, this won't go over well either.

  • I dunno. Ginny seems quite lippy for a welfare queen. (Getting $1.51 for every $1 sent to the Feds for taxes.)

    Maybe the Feds should opt out of their funding, too.

  • DoktorZoom

    Marshall, who is considering running for U.S. Senate in 2012, is one of the House's most conservative members. He said Article 1, Section 8, Clause 16 of the Constitution gives Virginia the authority to uphold the ban by "reserving to the states respectively, the appointment of the officers, and the authority of training the militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress."

    "The Constitution never would have been ratified if states were not reserved unqualified control of the militia, now called the National Guard," [Marshall] said.

    Oh, and that stuff about "according to the discipline prescribed by Congress"? That only applies to, you know, training. Stuff like pushups and obstacle courses. Not who can serve, that's all up to the states.

    • V572625694

      It's a total fucking fantasy, and I blame Palin who claimed her knowledge of military matters sprang from her heroic service as "commander-in-chief" of the Alaska National Guard. The Guard is 65-95% funded by DoD, depending on the mission. The Virginia National Guard would just be a bunch of re-enactors without federal $$.

      • genxr

        Heck, if McCain had won, Palin would be in charge of the Senate right now!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Uh, Bob – if the Constitution's "militia" is now the National Guard, that kinda blows the whole private ownership of firearms (2nd Amendment) right out of the water, don't it?

      • DoktorZoom

        Nope, totally different, because…um…Patriotism! 9/11! Jesus!

  • x111e7thst

    Bob Marshall is clearly worried that many hot young studs will forsake the interstate rest stops and join the Marines. It's simple supply and demand. He is already paying $40 every time he gives a guy a blowjob. He can't afford to have that rate go any higher.

  • nounverb911

    The new marshall Plan: Segregate the army.


    What kind of local cooperation did they find during the last 232 years?

    • JustPixelz

      Yeah, but now instead of worrying that we're going to kick their ass … well, our enemies have something else to fear. And fear they should as we have the biggest, most powerful military in the world.

  • elviouslyqueer

    That pic of Bob Marshall looks suspiciously like Kermit the Frog, after being sodomized repeatedly by one of Animal's drumsticks.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If Virginia does end up banning gays from their National Guard units, perhaps one of the more liberal states like California or Vermont could respond by banning straights from theirs, once again bringing about that wonderful state of equilibrium that this country has been experiencing for such a long time.

    • genxr

      Just expand DADT to everyone. If the army finds out you're gay or straight, then you're out!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Does Marshall's constituency also include all the seamen in Norfolk?

    • PublicLuxury

      You are not to speak if 'semen'. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't happen.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      As the Brits have long said of their Navy, "Don't talk about Naval tradition, it's all rum, sodomy and the lash". As flogging and rum have both been abolished, it only leaves the buggers with one entertainment to while away the hours……….

  • obfuscator2

    bob interviews concerned virginia citizens and gives free mouth hugs in the men's washroom, first stall on the left, knock three times and ask for "colonel beauford t. pin cushion".

  • The Chinless Wonder said:
    "In countries where religions and cultures find homosexual acts immoral, the Obama administration’s repeal policy will work to the detriment of all American troops in securing local cooperation with our nation’s foreign policy goals."

    Securing local cooperation through mass slaughter, decades long armed occupation and constant humiliation of the population has worked so well in Afghanistan and Iraq. We shouldn't throw away the valuable collaboration these policies have created so far by allowing gay troops to serve.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Right — this is why we don't allow women in the military — because it would jeopardize our strategic relationship with Saudi Arabia. Also, Republicans are always thrilled with subsuming American interests to those of other countries, right? This is why they never raise a ruckus when US troops are "under the command of foreign generals," which is unprecedented every single time it happens.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought we were looking to kill all the Muslims, why does he care what they think now?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I think the whole of idea of "cooperation" after being drummed into submission by a dominant and stronger force is kinda sexy. But that's me.

  • Mindblank

    Yes, Virginia, there *is* a Homo Clause.

    • MozakiBlocks


  • wegot2dobetter

    What a load of crap. The countries he's talking about find me wearing fucking jean shorts and looking a man in the eye immoral.

    • Sparky_McGruff


  • WarAndGee

    "In countries where religions and cultures find homosexual acts immoral…"
    Oh shit it's time to be sensitive to the cultures of the nations we are occupying (ahem, "aiding")

    Hey don't a lot of these places hate women in authority, usury and the Jeez.

    "So in keeping with that spirit women officers shall be demoted to NCO, and chaplains shall no longer serve" added the spokesperson. (These fuckers)

  • Sounds like Sharia Law to me. Send in the Afghani dancing boys.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    And a round of vodka butt shots for everyone. Wait, vodka is frowned upon by our local allies too?

    • PublicLuxury

      That's moonshine to you Sheriff.

      • genxr


    • SudsMcKenzie


  • BorderJumper!

    In other words, according to Billy Bob Marshall, the official motto should be "Virgina is for Lovers (but not Fags)"

  • SorosBot

    Who knows what this will mean for our troops; because until now, Afghanis who survived weddings bombed by the US always went "well I would swear revenge for the death of my entire family, but that army that killed them doesn't include and gays so I guess I'm OK with them."

  • prommie

    First we made them free their slaves, then we made them let the darkies in their lunchonnettes and schools and everything, as if they were equal to white people, for God's sake, and now, we are shoving gay cock down their throat, so to speak, by letting fags in their military. How much humiliation do we expect them to stand?

    • SheriffRoscoe

      The military is trying to compromise. What I understand is, they've upped the weight limits, and physical fitness requirements are now less stringent; they're taking more olds; and as far as smarts go, IQ schmy-cue. Gays are just a bridge too far, Prommie!

      • prommie

        Can gays fight their way out of a pissy-soaked paper bag?

    • Moonbat

      A lot more!

  • PublicLuxury

    Teh gay is B.A.D. but it is a-ok to get your sister pregnant in Virginia. Gosh. A moral dilemma is afoot

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Sister [slash] Mother. The plot thickens.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bob Marshall just saw the article about the 43 foot, 11 million dollar Christmas tree in Abu Dhabi and figures we must have turned a corner over there, doesn't wanna jeopardize that. Next year the Abu Dhabi-ers going to go with the 200-foot menorah.

    • Lucidamente1

      But what'll happen when he finds out the Israeli army allows gays?

  • qwerty42

    A veritable Confederacy of dunces.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hey, how'd you get green under your placard there??

      • prommie

        Wow, I just noticed after all these years, "Confederacy of Dunces" is redundant.

  • OkieDokieDog

    The Republicans: if they're not obsessing about some dude's penis, then they're obsessing about some woman's womb = what a bunch of sexually repressed a-holes.

  • PublicLuxury

    A draft is what we need to end these idiotic wars. It would bring all sorts into the street. It is what it is going to take to get heard. Then we can create an entire new batch of draft dodging politicians. Bring it baby.

    • V572625694

      Rangel proposed it repeatedly. Look what they done to him.

  • MarshallBanana

    You know, any laws passed that cause more dipshit states to consider secession are just fine by me. Kick the Welfare States out!

  • OneDollarJuana

    I'm sure Bob Marshall's stance on teh gheys is as wide as Chesapeake Bay.

  • bitchincamaro2

    For real. This shit would have been over long ago; ain't no Senator's son, etc, etc

  • Allmighty_Manos

    We should thank these jerks putting the VA GOP on the fast track back to minority status. I'm particularly happy that the GOP Senate primary battle is largely shaping up around who hates gays and immigrants more and who can come up with the most useless and illegal idea to undermine federal legislation.

    By 2012 George Allen will be on record supporting the gold standard, nullification, abolishing public schools and nominating Michelle Bachman to the Supreme Court to get through this.

  • PublicLuxury

    Virginia has Virgin in it. Baby Jeebus mother was a virgin. Teh gay is not virginal. Teh gay cannot be in Virginia. So there bitches.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    has teh gay only been around 10,000 years too??

    • SorosBot

      No, becuz teh manly Christian God only mades the erth 6,000 years a go.

    • V572625694

      It's in the Bible!

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I figure its only GG 52, .. Gloria Gaynor +52 years

  • Preferred Customer

    "President Obama and a majority in Congress are conducting a social experiment with our troops and our national security"

    This is called "democracy."

  • bitchincamaro2

    Something tells me this closet queen has been hanging with the boys in the band over in Uganda; one of the countries we have no doubt alienated with our backwards ways. Bob up AND suck my balls.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Admittedly, "smarter than Congress" is a pretty low bar.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    Ah yes, if we could only go back to those halycon days when open, active gays weren't allowed in the military…and women and blacks were the white man's property. You know, the good old days.

  • _MISS_T_

    Judging from the pic, the dude is missing a chromosome

  • VicariousMe

    It appears it is the fate of Ginnys to be underdeveloped plot device.

  • mumbly_joe

    Virginia is for insane, hateful assholes.

    • ph7

      In countries where religions and cultures find homosexual acts immoral

      i.e., basically only the countries we are currently bombing.

      • mumbly_joe

        Right, because with the exception of Turkey, basically all of our allies are, in fact, cool with it. It's sorta nice how effectively the Right keep on demonstrating that no matter what the flavor, religious extremism looks the same in effect.

        Also, as a side note, someone should point out that Israel is one of the aforementioned countries that allow gays to serve openly, so maybe it's a good idea to dial back the overblown, "every place that allows gays is on the way to destruction" etc. rhetoric, since, y'know, that's *also* the sort of thing that has more than a bit in common with what the people we're bombing like to say.

  • VaWyo

    Marshall is just jealous of McDonnell and Cuccinelli. They are the ones who get all the teabagger praise in Va. When the south rises again he wants to make sure he gets a top spot.

  • Hold on, I'm sorry, but WTF is wrong with that guy's face? It's like he got beaten with an ugly stick drenched in fetal alcohol syndrome.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Looks like a typical politician to me. I mean, where the fuck do these w***kers go to get to look like they do? Is there a special makeover salon somewhere where they get that ugly-as-a-baboons-anus hairstyle that seems to be moulded out of epoxy by three stoned rastas in a garage in Jamaica? And the plastered on botox enhanced smirk. Who the fuck do they think that fools? Is this what you end up looking like if you're rich, in which case I'll take poor plese…..

  • mirrorballdc

    "After 232 years of prohibiting active, open homosexuals from enlisting in our military …"

    You realize what this means? The Revolutionary army was ALL GAY.

  • i_AM_ready

    Obvs the retarded-looking guy has not learned this Bill Maher New Rule:

    "If your preacher or Congressman is always ranting about gay people or saying ANYTHING about gay people stronger than 'Whatever,' YOUR PREACHER OR CONGRESSMAN IS GAY."

    Maher came up with the rule a few months ago, I think it was after that big Megabucks minister in Atlanta got caught with his pants down. Or was it a Congressman? Can't remember; this happens so often it's hard to keep them straight. Ha, I made a pun.

  • lochnessmonster

    What are they afraid of? Don't all these guys who are afraid of the gays have penises too?

  • jim89048

    But what about teh ghey deferment?

  • Guppy06

    If the Commonwealth wants its own gay-free militia, they can pay for it themselves. No federal bailouts!

    Otherwise, if you want federal money to pay for your dually-enlisted militia/reservists (on the few days a year they're not in Iraq), then you take all the rainbow-colored strings attached.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Making more people eligible for military service will weaken military recruitment and retention.

    Airtight logic.

    • mrpuma2u

      Today we are all homophobic ass backwards old reactionaries that… WAIT no we're not. Fuck off Bob Marshall. You're an asshat and most people who think like you are getting old and dying. Ha ha ha.

  • ttommyunger

    Never thought it would happen, but Virginia is joining Mississippi and Alabama in actually making Georgia look good. Go 'Ginny, I'm feeling better every day.

  • Negropolis

    If that man's chin got any smaller, and that one eye any lazier…

    Inbreeding's a bitch, huh? The "master race," eh? Bwahahaha.

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