space-based war on xmas

Tonight’s Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know

Tonight will be very exciting for the fancy elitists in our country who can locate the night sky: For the first time in four centuries, a total lunar eclipse will also mark the Winter Solstice. Also, it’s a Full Moon! And there’s a meteor shower tonight, too! This combination of science and paganism is exactly what the Baby Jesus fears the most this time of year — and America can hardly afford to have its national religious-consumer holiday spoiled by potentially Islamic forces of Nature. As always in our fragile nation, the crucial thing is to not be distracted by what’s going on all around us, because the American Way is to instead create some unpleasant diversion until “the threat passes” or everyone currently alive is dead. That’s why we’ve prepared this handy chart to help you prepare for tonight’s astronomical violence.

According to news reports with no references for the figures they vomit out, tonight’s combination of the full lunar eclipse and solstice is the first in either 372 years or 456 years. Who knows, right? Whatever the case may be, we can be assured that John McCain was just a baby pooping on himself the last time this happened, so in many ways tonight is history repeating.

But the important thing is to protect yourself from frightening things happening outside in space. So print ‘n save this handy chart and you just might live to see “real Christmas.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Happy Saturnalia everyone!

    • SmutBoffin

      Io!

      • DoktorZoom

        When Malachi Constant shows up with the invading Army of Mars, we'll see who's laughing…

  • finallyhappy

    A Twilight reference- really? And Ken wrote it? Are you really a teenage girl?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      He's taken a Forks in the road and become a vampire Twyla Cletus.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Are you really a teenage girl?

      Doubtfully, but I do speak fluent American when necessary.

      • SmutBoffin

        LOL SO RANDOM

      • Radiotherapy

        Ken, I am your father!

      • jim89048

        Of course, in your undisclosed desert location, it will be raining. No eclipse for you! Or for me.

        • GOPCrusher

          Cloudy and snow here. If an eclipse occurs and you can't see it, did it really happen?

          • wondering where i am

            No, but it made a sound.

    • bumfug

      A Twilight reference? I was wondering what the fuck that meant.

  • horsedreamer_1

    If it's not a crescent, we're safe.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Do we get to burn something?

    • SmutBoffin

      Either Yule logs or Target department stores.

      I forget which.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      How 'bout a torch song for John McWalnutz?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      By all means, burn one.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe everyone will go completely mad tonight, like in that Asimov story Nightfall.

    Or maybe it already happened.

    • jus_wonderin

      I have my thumb in my ear and I am wearing a thong.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      I was reading an interview of Asimov once and he said it really pissed him off when fans told him that Nightfall was their favorite story because it's the first thing he ever got published, when he was like 17, and he felt like they were saying that he hadn't improved since then. Intrigued, and not recognizing the title, I looked it up and, sure enough, it's my favorite Asimov story.
      Tough luck, Ike.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe he can get a condolence card from Joseph Heller.

  • Lucidamente1

    Whoa, Islam uses a lunar calendar; better call Rep. King pronto.

  • Blendergoathead

    Good thing I didn't throw out all the plastic sheeting and duct tape I stockpiled during the Bush administration; that will surely protect me from the gay pagan moonhippies.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I still have my non-perishables & batteries from Will2K.

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    I figured you to be Team Edward.

    • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

      Please note that I have no idea what that means.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Sure.

        & I'm not on Team Sterilize the Jonas Brothers So I Can Fantasize About Ashley Green without Having to Think Where She's Been.

        • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

          She caught the ghey?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Shouldn't we send this to China?

    … "another sign of Obama's moral weakness" was just too easy.

  • Mindblank

    Oh, another apocalypse. That's so last millennium.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      that's 'moonpocalypse' to you,pal!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Actually there's not going to be a lunar eclipse tonight — the moon is too distracted by gays in the military.

    • SexySmurf

      Today we are all distracted by teh buttsecks.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Jack Chick always said that Allah was a "moon god". Praise the Lord that Abraham's god was more of an Aten-Ra sun diety, eh?

    Ciao!- I gotta go feel persecuted by non-believers saying "Happy Holidays".

  • XOhioan

    Isn't Solstice a witch holiday? I wonder whose yule log Christine O'Donnell is going to worship.

  • SmutBoffin

    Well, the stars are finally right, and Cthulhu will now rise from his dead house of R'leyh to lead us all into a bleak future of barbarism and madness.

    Seasons greetings everybody!

    • elviouslyqueer

      a bleak future of barbarism and madness

      I thought that happened on November 2, when Barry got "shellacked."

    • PresBeeblebrox

      I, for one, hope that I am eaten first.

      • SmutBoffin

        You are truly full of the Holiday Spirit.

        And other spirits too, besides, probably.

    • horsedreamer_1

      He's so heavy.

  • JustPixelz

    Fux News should warn their viewers IMMEDIATELY that the eclipse is based on a "theory" of gravity that some critics have called into question.

    • SmutBoffin

      Astronomy is just a plot by scientism-ists to discredit astrology.

    • Sassomatic

      It's actually the Law of Gravity. One of the very few laws in science, because it can in fact be proven by scientific method. Buttsecks, also.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Posts like this are why the Xtians have to hurry up and outlaw science for another 2000 years.

  • mavenmaven

    I think its proof of Jesus' divinity that he was born in the year O.
    And the tea baggers do not believe in your "science". All these eclipses and so on are just tricks by librul science types to infringe upon our Constitution.

    • JustPixelz

      Just like global warming is only based on "science". But the proof it's all a plot is that the moon will not be eclipsed tonight!

    • BorderJumper!

      Seriously. Besides, what's wrong with a perfectly WHITE moon? Libruls are truly ruining this great nation of ours.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      thank you, it's about time somebody talked some *sense* around here…science SUCKZ!

  • V572625694

    Item 5's a bit of a puzzle…

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Don't tell them in Wasilla.. They'll think it's the rapture and pee themselves when they don't levitate.

  • prommie

    I thought a "winter solstice" is when you are getting a blowjob, and just as you are about to come, your thoughtful, considerate, beloved and adventurous companion sticks a popsicle up your ass, the shocking coldness of which causes you to freeze, completely stop all motion, hence "solstice," and then have a massive orgasm, still without moving a muscle, transfixed on that icy intruder.

    • JustPixelz

      Pretty sure you're wrong. Though the more I think about it … oh … oh … oh.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Thanks prommie. The more you know!

    • V572625694

      For that to work well before the Popsicle melts, your asshole must of course be surprisingly accommodating.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Just sort of run it between the butt cheeks for a few seconds. It ruins the surprise, but it does help the sphincter to relax.

        • prommie

          And the sugary meltwater is amazingly slippery, which helps. Trust me, I know my stuff. Don't even ask me about the equinoxes.

      • jim89048

        But watch for splinters on the way out!

    • MutteringLoner

      Transfixed On That Icy Intruder is my new band name.

    • GOPCrusher

      Now, does this have to be a standard popsicle, or is using something like a Bomb Pop acceptable?

      • ttommyunger

        A practice developed by our Alaskan friends (no names, please) while passing the time during those interminable winter nights. The popsicle, once used, is then referred to as a "Palinsicle", for some unknown reason.

  • metamarcisf

    CAUTION!!

    Tonight's eclipse is an exciting event but in enjoying it, be sure to take precautions. Tempting as is may be, DO NOT look directly at the eclipse! Doing so can cause permanent eye damage. Instead, use a piece of exposed film and look directly at it that way. Or failing that, use a piece of cardboard and prick it with a pin or something and look at it that way if that makes any sense at all. You're welcome.

    • JustPixelz

      I'm going to do all those things from inside my Rapture-proof bunker.

    • Radiotherapy

      Now, we know why you're -115. It's going to be cloudy tonight, so you don't have to look thru welder's glasses.

    • KochFembot

      Pretty sure that eye damage thing only happens during a SOLAR eclipse, not a lunar eclipse.

      • SorosBot

        And that's pretty much a myth anyway; looking directly at the sun for a long time can cause temporary vision loss, but the only person known to have permanently damaged vision from looking at the sun was Galileo, at that was after repeatedly staring at it through a telescope, for hours at a time.

        • OneDollarJuana

          And you're wrong about the damage. My mom stared at the sun for a really long time and burned her retinae. So since childhood she has had a very bright spot in the middle of her vision and had to learn to read around it (true fact).

          Now, the lunar eclipse is different, being a reflection of the Sun's rays. Thus, if you are blind, you should avoid staring at it so that you don't become sighted.

        • KochFembot

          Wow, that's nuts. I don't see how you could even stand behind a telescope that's pointing at the sun without burning a hole through yourself like a laser! The ants on the sidewalk under my magnifying glass 30 years ago would agree…

          • LionelHutzEsq

            I think you all are forgetting the demon fire that will be accompanying this obvious sign of the birth of the Antichrist to Bristol Palin.

    • DoktorZoom

      When I was in 2nd grade, we got a lot of warnings about not looking directly at an upcoming solar eclipse, which led to an incredibly vivid nightmare about hiding in a heavily-curtained room, the demonic blinding light of the eclipse trying to break in and Get Me.

      That said, where can I get reliable advice on how to view a Mitsubishi Eclipse without potentially hurting my retinas?

      • GunTotingProgressive

        Cannot be done. Those cars are UGLY.

    • metamarcisf

      Laugh all you want, smart guys. I just know that a lot of eye doctors are gonna be real busy tomorrow.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Great. An event that will make Rand Paul happy.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      I'll be watching thru my eyelids, does that count?

  • SexySmurf

    Every real American knows the moon is just a crystal sphere moved through the celestial ether by an Angel.

  • MuslinMosk

    This would be really exciting if I could actually see anything through the rainclouds that are completely covering the sky.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Yeah, Jesus is having the last laugh on the Half-Muslin Moon God tonight. Clouds beat Solstice!

      • SudsMcKenzie

        …. or Jesus is peeing all over hippie So-Cals

        • ShaveTheWhales

          and mid-cals too, I'm sorry to say

          • SudsMcKenzie

            In that case "welcome to Seattle"

          • jim89048

            Or even cal-adjacent, as in my case.

      • prommie

        When do you suppose the christers are gonna wake up and realize that the names of the week are all named after pagan deities? Odin, Saturn, Friga, Twu, the sun, the moon? They're gonna shit bricks, when they realize, there'll be a constitutional amendment to change the days of the week.

    • jus_wonderin

      I second that. I feel a bit robbed by the weather. Dammit!!

      Oh, and the fact that it is happening at night when I sleep. Double Dammit!!!

    • nounverb911

      Ah! The joys of Seattle.

    • SorosBot

      It's the moon's fault; she's a harsh mistress.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, we have the lunar eclipse, where the earth comes between the sun and the moon, and the solar eclipse, where the moon comes between the sun and the earth. I wonder why none of these astronomers will give up the date of the next terrestrial eclipse, where the sun comes between the earth and the moon. Gonna get hot, I'd sure be up for one of Prommie's "winter solstices" when that happens.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Needs moar lunatics.

  • hagajim

    "John McCain was just a baby pooping on himself"

    That pretty much describes Walnutz every day since he got his ass beat by Barry The Cave.

  • Extemporanus

    Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only Layne in the dark.

  • Wadisay

    372 or 456? I guess we could ask Fred Thompson.

  • DCHatesMe

    Last month we had a blue moon on the anniversary of JFK's death. And now a red moon on the winter solstice, which can only mean one thing; Rand Paul will assassinate Santa Claus.

  • Pragmatist2

    There is no Moon! It's all a myth perpetrated by Fox News.

  • http://thatsmrsbitchtoyou.blogspot.com Mrs. Bitch

    Does this mean that every fertile, fecund female is now starting their periods in sync? Aaaauuuggghhhh! Have yourselves a bloody little Christmas!

  • elviouslyqueer

    That's no moon. It's a space station.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    Good. Jeebus sent tonight's eclipse to show us who all of the Muslins are. You'll be able to find them because they will be weeping over the sudden disappearance of their MOON GOD.

    MOON GOD? I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, INFIDEL! THE HOLY QU'RAN SAYS I COULD KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!*

    *(Insert citation to Qu'ran passage taken out of context and stripped of meaning, just like if you took a random quote from the Torah about smiting one's enemies.)

    • DoktorZoom

      Oh, I suppose next you're going to say that Leviticus doesn't command us to kill disobedient children.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    The moon will fill with blood and consume us all!!! Sorry, my state decided to cut back on funding for science in the classroom.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I heard the moon is actually made of cheese. Take that Science!

  • PublicLuxury

    WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

  • BlueStateLibel

    That poster reminds me of A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, where the evil Blue Stater went back in time to mess with the medieval peasants' head by scaring them with an eclipse…same thing here.

  • chickensmack

    Wow, this just reminds me of the tripe this Xtian friend posted on my wall, foisting the validity and astronomical proof that there was a Baby Jesus star.

    As an amateur astronomer, the Baby Jesus star ranks fourth to "Which star is that?" (when it's a planet we're viewing), "Can you show me the star I bought?", and Uranus jokes.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "If you don't like astronomy, you can't find Uranus." amirite?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      There's a SF short story that I read so long ago I can't remember name or author, that has an interstellar expedition exploring the remnant of a supernova. They somehow determine that the nova wiped out an entire thriving alien civilization. Punch line occurs when somebody figures out just when the light from the nova would have reached Earth.

    • Steverino247

      I feel your pain, brother stargazer! I like to show the planets to kids and then tell them about Galileo being punished for telling the truth. Another good one is to ask them how many planets they can see and when they don't count the one they're standing on, point that out to them. Puts things in perspective.

  • KobayashiMaru

    WOOHOO! Naked howling rumpus at my house! Let's celebrate!

    Wait, what's this I hear about an eclipse?

    • Naked_Bunny

      I give you one thousand thumbs up.

    • bagofmice

      It's the best kind of rumpus.

  • deanbooth

    When Mary filled out forms at the manger, I wonder if she had to use four zeros for the year. I'd be bothered having to do that.

    • Naked_Bunny

      She was probably wondering how it could already be 3 AD.

    • chickensmack

      their computers would have been wiped out by the yzero bug, anyway.

  • thefrontpage

    Everything that happens tonight is the fault of either the Wiccans, the Scientologists, or the Freemasons!

    Or the Republicans.

    • CalamityJames

      This must be your first time. We blame the muslins around here.

    • HistoriCat

      Don't forget the joozs.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    But, thanks to the weather godz, we won't get to see it at all.

  • Sandrita23

    I've found a ton of great viewing information on this site. http://www.spacedex.com/lunar-eclipse – Hope you all enjoy tonight's show!

  • Naked_Bunny

    Moon blood is an aphrodisiac in Bangkok.

    • indecencycmdr

      you mean menses? yum! nom nom nom

  • indecencycmdr

    I for one did not find this helpful at all. Which way is the night sky? Which sky is the night one? Can I kiss it? If I see the reflection of the lunar eclipse in water, should I wade in and try to grab it? What if there's a double lunar rainbow? Then what? Also, will Santa be able to fly his reindeer out of range of Sarah Palin's howitzers if there's no moon in this alleged "night sky"?

  • Sassomatic

    I think that we should execute this eclipse for over-shadowing (ha) Jesus's birthday.

  • lochnessmonster

    Thank you Wonkette! As I read the first part discribing what will be happening tonite I became very afraid…but with this handy chart, I know I have nothing to fear.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    This is clearly a sign that Bristol Palin has become the mother of the Antichrist.

  • CalamityJames

    C'mon guy, we're all unemployed here. What else are we gonna do when the booze runs out?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    All of SoCal might be underwater by then.

  • ttommyunger

    I have absolutely no life whatever, and I do not give a flying fuck about moon eclipses, solar eclipses or Uranus Eclipses, for that matter.

  • transfatz

    It's 11:15 Pacific time here and the moon is about 3/4 gone. It's at the zenith too. Pretty cool. But not as cool as prommie's trick.

  • Negropolis

    Shit, it's cloudy, here.

  • 102415

    I liked it. I watched the whole thing from my window. I think we should do this again next year.

  • mcrummett

    Wow, that really explains a lot that I've been wondering about! Thanks, Wonkette!