SPACE-BASED WAR ON XMAS  1:09 pm December 20, 2010

Tonight’s Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know

by Ken Layne

Tonight will be very exciting for the fancy elitists in our country who can locate the night sky: For the first time in four centuries, a total lunar eclipse will also mark the Winter Solstice. Also, it’s a Full Moon! And there’s a meteor shower tonight, too! This combination of science and paganism is exactly what the Baby Jesus fears the most this time of year — and America can hardly afford to have its national religious-consumer holiday spoiled by potentially Islamic forces of Nature. As always in our fragile nation, the crucial thing is to not be distracted by what’s going on all around us, because the American Way is to instead create some unpleasant diversion until “the threat passes” or everyone currently alive is dead. That’s why we’ve prepared this handy chart to help you prepare for tonight’s astronomical violence.

According to news reports with no references for the figures they vomit out, tonight’s combination of the full lunar eclipse and solstice is the first in either 372 years or 456 years. Who knows, right? Whatever the case may be, we can be assured that John McCain was just a baby pooping on himself the last time this happened, so in many ways tonight is history repeating.

But the important thing is to protect yourself from frightening things happening outside in space. So print ‘n save this handy chart and you just might live to see “real Christmas.”

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Happy Saturnalia everyone!

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Io!

DoktorZoom December 20, 2010 at 2:13 pm

When Malachi Constant shows up with the invading Army of Mars, we'll see who's laughing…

finallyhappy December 20, 2010 at 1:15 pm

A Twilight reference- really? And Ken wrote it? Are you really a teenage girl?

weejee December 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm

He's taken a Forks in the road and become a vampire Twyla Cletus.

Ken Layne December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Are you really a teenage girl?

Doubtfully, but I do speak fluent American when necessary.

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 1:24 pm

LOL SO RANDOM

Radiotherapy December 20, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Ken, I am your father!

jim89048 December 20, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Of course, in your undisclosed desert location, it will be raining. No eclipse for you! Or for me.

GOPCrusher December 20, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Cloudy and snow here. If an eclipse occurs and you can't see it, did it really happen?

wondering where i am December 21, 2010 at 1:47 am

No, but it made a sound.

bumfug December 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm

A Twilight reference? I was wondering what the fuck that meant.

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 1:15 pm

If it's not a crescent, we're safe.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 20, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Do we get to burn something?

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Either Yule logs or Target department stores.

I forget which.

weejee December 20, 2010 at 1:21 pm

How 'bout a torch song for John McWalnutz?

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

By all means, burn one.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Maybe everyone will go completely mad tonight, like in that Asimov story Nightfall.

Or maybe it already happened.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2010 at 1:33 pm

I have my thumb in my ear and I am wearing a thong.

gurukalehuru December 20, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I was reading an interview of Asimov once and he said it really pissed him off when fans told him that Nightfall was their favorite story because it's the first thing he ever got published, when he was like 17, and he felt like they were saying that he hadn't improved since then. Intrigued, and not recognizing the title, I looked it up and, sure enough, it's my favorite Asimov story.
Tough luck, Ike.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Maybe he can get a condolence card from Joseph Heller.

Lucidamente1 December 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Whoa, Islam uses a lunar calendar; better call Rep. King pronto.

Blendergoathead December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Good thing I didn't throw out all the plastic sheeting and duct tape I stockpiled during the Bush administration; that will surely protect me from the gay pagan moonhippies.

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 1:29 pm

I still have my non-perishables & batteries from Will2K.

twoeightnine December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

I figured you to be Team Edward.

twoeightnine December 20, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Please note that I have no idea what that means.

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Sure.

& I'm not on Team Sterilize the Jonas Brothers So I Can Fantasize About Ashley Green without Having to Think Where She's Been.

twoeightnine December 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

She caught the ghey?

SudsMcKenzie December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Shouldn't we send this to China?

… "another sign of Obama's moral weakness" was just too easy.

Mindblank December 20, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Oh, another apocalypse. That's so last millennium.

Dashboard_Jesus December 21, 2010 at 12:31 am

that's 'moonpocalypse' to you,pal!

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Actually there's not going to be a lunar eclipse tonight — the moon is too distracted by gays in the military.

SexySmurf December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Today we are all distracted by teh buttsecks.

Oblios_Cap December 20, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Jack Chick always said that Allah was a "moon god". Praise the Lord that Abraham's god was more of an Aten-Ra sun diety, eh?

Ciao!- I gotta go feel persecuted by non-believers saying "Happy Holidays".

XOhioan December 20, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Isn't Solstice a witch holiday? I wonder whose yule log Christine O'Donnell is going to worship.

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Well, the stars are finally right, and Cthulhu will now rise from his dead house of R'leyh to lead us all into a bleak future of barbarism and madness.

Seasons greetings everybody!

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 1:28 pm

a bleak future of barbarism and madness

I thought that happened on November 2, when Barry got "shellacked."

PresBeeblebrox December 20, 2010 at 2:43 pm

I, for one, hope that I am eaten first.

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

You are truly full of the Holiday Spirit.

And other spirits too, besides, probably.

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 3:03 pm

He's so heavy.

JustPixelz December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Fux News should warn their viewers IMMEDIATELY that the eclipse is based on a "theory" of gravity that some critics have called into question.

SmutBoffin December 20, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Astronomy is just a plot by scientism-ists to discredit astrology.

Sassomatic December 20, 2010 at 4:19 pm

It's actually the Law of Gravity. One of the very few laws in science, because it can in fact be proven by scientific method. Buttsecks, also.

harry_palmer December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Posts like this are why the Xtians have to hurry up and outlaw science for another 2000 years.

mavenmaven December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

I think its proof of Jesus' divinity that he was born in the year O.
And the tea baggers do not believe in your "science". All these eclipses and so on are just tricks by librul science types to infringe upon our Constitution.

JustPixelz December 20, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Just like global warming is only based on "science". But the proof it's all a plot is that the moon will not be eclipsed tonight!

BorderJumper! December 20, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Seriously. Besides, what's wrong with a perfectly WHITE moon? Libruls are truly ruining this great nation of ours.

Dashboard_Jesus December 21, 2010 at 1:01 am

thank you, it's about time somebody talked some *sense* around here…science SUCKZ!

V572625694 December 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Item 5's a bit of a puzzle…

Clancy_Pants December 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Don't tell them in Wasilla.. They'll think it's the rapture and pee themselves when they don't levitate.

prommie December 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm

I thought a "winter solstice" is when you are getting a blowjob, and just as you are about to come, your thoughtful, considerate, beloved and adventurous companion sticks a popsicle up your ass, the shocking coldness of which causes you to freeze, completely stop all motion, hence "solstice," and then have a massive orgasm, still without moving a muscle, transfixed on that icy intruder.

JustPixelz December 20, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Pretty sure you're wrong. Though the more I think about it … oh … oh … oh.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Thanks prommie. The more you know!

V572625694 December 20, 2010 at 1:58 pm

For that to work well before the Popsicle melts, your asshole must of course be surprisingly accommodating.

SheriffRoscoe December 20, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Just sort of run it between the butt cheeks for a few seconds. It ruins the surprise, but it does help the sphincter to relax.

prommie December 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

And the sugary meltwater is amazingly slippery, which helps. Trust me, I know my stuff. Don't even ask me about the equinoxes.

jim89048 December 20, 2010 at 4:38 pm

But watch for splinters on the way out!

MutteringLoner December 20, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Transfixed On That Icy Intruder is my new band name.

GOPCrusher December 20, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Now, does this have to be a standard popsicle, or is using something like a Bomb Pop acceptable?

ttommyunger December 20, 2010 at 11:41 pm

A practice developed by our Alaskan friends (no names, please) while passing the time during those interminable winter nights. The popsicle, once used, is then referred to as a "Palinsicle", for some unknown reason.

metamarcisf December 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm

CAUTION!!

Tonight's eclipse is an exciting event but in enjoying it, be sure to take precautions. Tempting as is may be, DO NOT look directly at the eclipse! Doing so can cause permanent eye damage. Instead, use a piece of exposed film and look directly at it that way. Or failing that, use a piece of cardboard and prick it with a pin or something and look at it that way if that makes any sense at all. You're welcome.

JustPixelz December 20, 2010 at 1:36 pm

I'm going to do all those things from inside my Rapture-proof bunker.

Radiotherapy December 20, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Now, we know why you're -115. It's going to be cloudy tonight, so you don't have to look thru welder's glasses.

KochFembot December 20, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Pretty sure that eye damage thing only happens during a SOLAR eclipse, not a lunar eclipse.

SorosBot December 20, 2010 at 2:29 pm

And that's pretty much a myth anyway; looking directly at the sun for a long time can cause temporary vision loss, but the only person known to have permanently damaged vision from looking at the sun was Galileo, at that was after repeatedly staring at it through a telescope, for hours at a time.

OneDollarJuana December 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

And you're wrong about the damage. My mom stared at the sun for a really long time and burned her retinae. So since childhood she has had a very bright spot in the middle of her vision and had to learn to read around it (true fact).

Now, the lunar eclipse is different, being a reflection of the Sun's rays. Thus, if you are blind, you should avoid staring at it so that you don't become sighted.

KochFembot December 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Wow, that's nuts. I don't see how you could even stand behind a telescope that's pointing at the sun without burning a hole through yourself like a laser! The ants on the sidewalk under my magnifying glass 30 years ago would agree…

LionelHutzEsq December 20, 2010 at 5:52 pm

I think you all are forgetting the demon fire that will be accompanying this obvious sign of the birth of the Antichrist to Bristol Palin.

DoktorZoom December 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm

When I was in 2nd grade, we got a lot of warnings about not looking directly at an upcoming solar eclipse, which led to an incredibly vivid nightmare about hiding in a heavily-curtained room, the demonic blinding light of the eclipse trying to break in and Get Me.

That said, where can I get reliable advice on how to view a Mitsubishi Eclipse without potentially hurting my retinas?

GunTotingProgressive December 20, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Cannot be done. Those cars are UGLY.

metamarcisf December 20, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Laugh all you want, smart guys. I just know that a lot of eye doctors are gonna be real busy tomorrow.

imissopus December 20, 2010 at 7:27 pm

Great. An event that will make Rand Paul happy.

Dashboard_Jesus December 21, 2010 at 1:03 am

I'll be watching thru my eyelids, does that count?

SexySmurf December 20, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Every real American knows the moon is just a crystal sphere moved through the celestial ether by an Angel.

MuslinMosk December 20, 2010 at 1:29 pm

This would be really exciting if I could actually see anything through the rainclouds that are completely covering the sky.

Ken Layne December 20, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Yeah, Jesus is having the last laugh on the Half-Muslin Moon God tonight. Clouds beat Solstice!

SudsMcKenzie December 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm

…. or Jesus is peeing all over hippie So-Cals

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

and mid-cals too, I'm sorry to say

SudsMcKenzie December 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

In that case "welcome to Seattle"

jim89048 December 20, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Or even cal-adjacent, as in my case.

prommie December 20, 2010 at 1:49 pm

When do you suppose the christers are gonna wake up and realize that the names of the week are all named after pagan deities? Odin, Saturn, Friga, Twu, the sun, the moon? They're gonna shit bricks, when they realize, there'll be a constitutional amendment to change the days of the week.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2010 at 1:38 pm

I second that. I feel a bit robbed by the weather. Dammit!!

Oh, and the fact that it is happening at night when I sleep. Double Dammit!!!

nounverb911 December 20, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Ah! The joys of Seattle.

SorosBot December 20, 2010 at 1:52 pm

It's the moon's fault; she's a harsh mistress.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 1:34 pm

So, we have the lunar eclipse, where the earth comes between the sun and the moon, and the solar eclipse, where the moon comes between the sun and the earth. I wonder why none of these astronomers will give up the date of the next terrestrial eclipse, where the sun comes between the earth and the moon. Gonna get hot, I'd sure be up for one of Prommie's "winter solstices" when that happens.

weejee December 20, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Needs moar lunatics.

hagajim December 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm

"John McCain was just a baby pooping on himself"

That pretty much describes Walnutz every day since he got his ass beat by Barry The Cave.

Extemporanus December 20, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only Layne in the dark.

DoktorZoom December 20, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Wadisay December 20, 2010 at 1:46 pm

372 or 456? I guess we could ask Fred Thompson.

DCHatesMe December 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Last month we had a blue moon on the anniversary of JFK's death. And now a red moon on the winter solstice, which can only mean one thing; Rand Paul will assassinate Santa Claus.

Pragmatist2 December 20, 2010 at 1:48 pm

There is no Moon! It's all a myth perpetrated by Fox News.

Mrs. Bitch December 20, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Does this mean that every fertile, fecund female is now starting their periods in sync? Aaaauuuggghhhh! Have yourselves a bloody little Christmas!

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2010 at 1:55 pm

That's no moon. It's a space station.

PresBeeblebrox December 20, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Good. Jeebus sent tonight's eclipse to show us who all of the Muslins are. You'll be able to find them because they will be weeping over the sudden disappearance of their MOON GOD.

MOON GOD? I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, INFIDEL! THE HOLY QU'RAN SAYS I COULD KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!*

*(Insert citation to Qu'ran passage taken out of context and stripped of meaning, just like if you took a random quote from the Torah about smiting one's enemies.)

DoktorZoom December 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Oh, I suppose next you're going to say that Leviticus doesn't command us to kill disobedient children.

simplyblue7 December 20, 2010 at 2:00 pm

The moon will fill with blood and consume us all!!! Sorry, my state decided to cut back on funding for science in the classroom.

MittsHairHelmet December 20, 2010 at 2:13 pm

I heard the moon is actually made of cheese. Take that Science!

PublicLuxury December 20, 2010 at 2:17 pm

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

BlueStateLibel December 20, 2010 at 2:20 pm

That poster reminds me of A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, where the evil Blue Stater went back in time to mess with the medieval peasants' head by scaring them with an eclipse…same thing here.

chickensmack December 20, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Wow, this just reminds me of the tripe this Xtian friend posted on my wall, foisting the validity and astronomical proof that there was a Baby Jesus star.

As an amateur astronomer, the Baby Jesus star ranks fourth to "Which star is that?" (when it's a planet we're viewing), "Can you show me the star I bought?", and Uranus jokes.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

"If you don't like astronomy, you can't find Uranus." amirite?

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

There's a SF short story that I read so long ago I can't remember name or author, that has an interstellar expedition exploring the remnant of a supernova. They somehow determine that the nova wiped out an entire thriving alien civilization. Punch line occurs when somebody figures out just when the light from the nova would have reached Earth.

Steverino247 December 20, 2010 at 5:32 pm

I feel your pain, brother stargazer! I like to show the planets to kids and then tell them about Galileo being punished for telling the truth. Another good one is to ask them how many planets they can see and when they don't count the one they're standing on, point that out to them. Puts things in perspective.

KobayashiMaru December 20, 2010 at 2:32 pm

WOOHOO! Naked howling rumpus at my house! Let's celebrate!

Wait, what's this I hear about an eclipse?

Naked_Bunny December 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I give you one thousand thumbs up.

bagofmice December 20, 2010 at 5:50 pm

It's the best kind of rumpus.

deanbooth December 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

When Mary filled out forms at the manger, I wonder if she had to use four zeros for the year. I'd be bothered having to do that.

Naked_Bunny December 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

She was probably wondering how it could already be 3 AD.

chickensmack December 20, 2010 at 3:22 pm

their computers would have been wiped out by the yzero bug, anyway.

thefrontpage December 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Everything that happens tonight is the fault of either the Wiccans, the Scientologists, or the Freemasons!

Or the Republicans.

CalamityJames December 20, 2010 at 6:36 pm

This must be your first time. We blame the muslins around here.

HistoriCat December 21, 2010 at 9:15 am

Don't forget the joozs.

ShaveTheWhales December 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm

But, thanks to the weather godz, we won't get to see it at all.

Sandrita23 December 20, 2010 at 2:57 pm

I've found a ton of great viewing information on this site. http://www.spacedex.com/lunar-eclipse – Hope you all enjoy tonight's show!

Naked_Bunny December 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Moon blood is an aphrodisiac in Bangkok.

indecencycmdr December 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

you mean menses? yum! nom nom nom

indecencycmdr December 20, 2010 at 3:29 pm

I for one did not find this helpful at all. Which way is the night sky? Which sky is the night one? Can I kiss it? If I see the reflection of the lunar eclipse in water, should I wade in and try to grab it? What if there's a double lunar rainbow? Then what? Also, will Santa be able to fly his reindeer out of range of Sarah Palin's howitzers if there's no moon in this alleged "night sky"?

Sassomatic December 20, 2010 at 4:22 pm

I think that we should execute this eclipse for over-shadowing (ha) Jesus's birthday.

lochnessmonster December 20, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Thank you Wonkette! As I read the first part discribing what will be happening tonite I became very afraid…but with this handy chart, I know I have nothing to fear.

LionelHutzEsq December 20, 2010 at 5:52 pm

This is clearly a sign that Bristol Palin has become the mother of the Antichrist.

CalamityJames December 20, 2010 at 6:32 pm

C'mon guy, we're all unemployed here. What else are we gonna do when the booze runs out?

imissopus December 20, 2010 at 7:30 pm

All of SoCal might be underwater by then.

ttommyunger December 20, 2010 at 11:45 pm

I have absolutely no life whatever, and I do not give a flying fuck about moon eclipses, solar eclipses or Uranus Eclipses, for that matter.

transfatz December 21, 2010 at 2:21 am

It's 11:15 Pacific time here and the moon is about 3/4 gone. It's at the zenith too. Pretty cool. But not as cool as prommie's trick.

Negropolis December 21, 2010 at 3:10 am

Shit, it's cloudy, here.

102415 December 21, 2010 at 2:56 pm

I liked it. I watched the whole thing from my window. I think we should do this again next year.

mcrummett December 21, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Wow, that really explains a lot that I've been wondering about! Thanks, Wonkette!

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