cowpoked

Federal Reserve Forces Official Bank of Jesus To Cancel Christmas

Pore Jesus is daid / Pore Jesus Christ is daid / He had a heart of gold / And he wasn't very old / Oh why did such a feller have to die?A small-town bank in Oklahoma is under siege by governmental secularizing forces this holiday season, as the Federal Reserve is very jealous of their impressive Jesus-themed bank and wants to ruin it for everyone. According to a local teevee news station website, the Fed comes ’round every four years with a list of regulations to make sure banks are not just stealing their customers’ money or whatever, one of which prohibits discriminatory preference for the religion of some customers over others. Well, guilty as charged, you big meanies, as this awesome bank was totally decked out in Jesus branding all year long; don’t worry, though: Congress is going to stand up for them.

The examiners came to Perkins last week. And the team from Kansas City deemed a Bible verse of the day, crosses on the teller’s counter and buttons that say “Merry Christmas, God With Us.” were inappropriate. The Bible verse of the day on the bank’s Internet site also had to be taken down.

WHAT? WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THAT? Of course there should be crosses at the teller’s counter, to remind us of, say, this bit of Deuteronomy:

Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest.

Those crosses are just there to tell us that banks go against the will of God and not to conduct business with them!

U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe and U.S. Rep. Frank Lucas issued a joint letter to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke on Friday over what the two view as a “distressing interpretation of Federal Reserve Regulation B” concerning a bank in Perkins.

Boom! Take that, Bernanke. You just got sent a letter. By two (2!) members of Congress. Just try to tack up your Fed Stars of David in that bank now.

And, oh look, it worked. The War on Christmas has been won!

Again. [KOCO via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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113 comments

      1. V572625694

        Not in Oklahoma–it's illegal! These people knew what they were doing when they passed that initiative.

  1. YasserArraFeck

    The crosses on the counters are there to remind the customers that they'll be nailed to the wall if they're a day late or a penny overdrawn.

  2. freakishlywrong

    Merry Christmas God with us??
    Marketing 101 FAIL. Merry Christmas BANK with us.
    Also, Jebus loved him some bankers. Too.

  3. PublicLuxury

    This crosses and bible verse thng-y is just the bankers way of talking to baby Jeebus. He is telling the Baby that he is not bad for worshiping gold 'cause he is worshipping gold for baby Jeebus. The baby Jeebus likes gold he even got some for his birf day.

    Golden calf thing solved.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    Jim Jebus Inhofe is just trying to keep the Christ in CHRISTmas! Gawd dammit! Somebody has to protect our God given rights to force Christianity upon everybody else!!

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Credit is a bit like faith. & as we learned from the S&L scandal & the collapse of Lehman, credit is futile, too. So, it only makes sense to make explicit the link.

  6. prommie

    The Biblical supremacy clause says that the New Testament supresedes the old Testament, whenever it is convenient to justify your biases, hatreds, and bigotry. Thats why we are now free to touch our wives during their time of the month, loan money at interest, and to eat shrimp, but if a man lies with a man, it is an abomination.

    This waxing phenomenon of Jesus fish and scripture citations in advertisements and on trucks and vans, is one of the most alarming things going on it amurrica, its worse than trucknuts, it is open, naked religious bias and discriomination, proudly strutting around in the sunshine.

    1. V572625694

      Are you telling me that all of the following guidance from Leviticus is incorrect? Because I really hated giving up osprey risotto!

      "These are the animals which you shall eat among all the animals that are on the earth. Whatever has a divided hoof, which is clovenfooted, and also chews the cud, among the animals, that you shall eat. Nevertheless these you shall not eat of those that chew the cud, or of those that have a divided hoof, such as the camel, because it chews the cud, but does not have a divided hoof. So, it is unclean unto you. And the rabbit, because it chews the cud, but does not have a divided hoof, it is unclean to you. And the hare (kangaroo), because it chews the cud, but does not have a divided hoof, it is unclean to you. And the swine (hog, pig, pork), though it has a divided hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet it does not chew the cud; it is unclean to you. Of their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcass you shall not touch; they are unclean to you. These you shall eat of all that are in the waters, whatever has fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, those you shall eat. And all that do not have fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination to you. They shall be even an abomination to you. You shall not eat of their flesh, but you shall have their carcasses in abomination. Whatever has no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination to you. And these are those which you shall have in abomination among the fowls (birds), they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossiprage, and the osprey, and the vulture, and the kite after his kind; every raven after his kind, and the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckoo, and the hawk after his kind, and the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl, and the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat. All insects that creep, going upon all fours, shall be an abomination unto you. Yet these you may eat of every flying insect that goes upon all fours, which have legs above their feet, to leap with on the earth, these of them ye may eat: the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind. But all other flying insects, which have four feet, shall be an abomination to you.”

      1. SorosBot

        "the owl … and the little owl … and the great owl"

        It looks like Yahweh really didn't want them eating owls. And uh, someone should tell the supposedly omniscient deity that 1) bats are mammals, not birds, and 2) insects have six feet, not four.

        1. SorosBot

          I'm sure that Noah's Arc amusement park in Kentucky will have a scientific sounding explanation for this.

          The thing is, a lot of the bible's errors were based on ignorance at the times it was written; but knowing the number of legs an insect has is just basic counting, whatever anonymous person wrote that passage really should have known better.

        2. prommie

          "going on all fours" is a figure of speech, I would venture, and translates as "crawling," and was not meant to indicate the number of legs. That would be an idiomatic expression, and a perfectly cromulent one.

          I bet you couldn't tell a locust from a grasshopper, the one being an abomination, while the grasshopper are considered perfectly OK to eat, but those dudes could tell, back then in Leviticus' time.

          1. SorosBot

            Maybe "going on all fours" is a figure of speech, but I don't think "all other flying insects, which have four feet" is one.

        1. SorosBot

          Technically, New Zealanders are still humans, and god does not cannibalism unless the person being eaten is his son.

          1. natoslug

            Damn, I forgot one of the layers of the bird that is a fruit that is a person. How about if I stuff kiwis (the bird) with kiwis (the fruit) and then use those to fill a kiwi (the person) and wrap them in banana leaves for a nice slow bbq, luau-style?

            If you cut deep enough, we are all the same, whether kiwi or kiwi or kiwi, formed from the same cosmic dust, so it's cannibalism no matter who or what you eat. We are all the little owl and the great owl, going on all fours. Which leads me to the unarguable conclusion that I don't want to work today, but I promise I haven't smoked a bowl of anything.

          2. DustBowlBlues

            And kudos to you for initiating, nay, inspiring this entire kiwi debate. I studied the Old Testament once in a really serious, scholarly, long series of classes at church and all I remember are all the fucking begats and food rules. And I still can't remember if it's okay to eat grasshoppers but not cockroaches, or vice versa, so thanks to whomever cleared that up, halfway.

            Think I'll bring friend grasshoppers to the next community event and hand a bowl of them to the Baptist preacher,

          3. natoslug

            Are you using dark or milk chocolate for your grasshoppers and cockroaches? If dipped in dark chocolate, I believe the bible states anything is then edible.

      2. HELisforHEL

        Ughhhhh It's like reading Jean Auel's endless descriptions of blades of grass in the 'Ayla'/"Earth's Children" series. Or the 'how to cut up a Whale' chapters in Moby Dick.
        Ouch. I haz a brain cramp.

  7. 4TheTurnstiles

    A Christmas Carol, 2010

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Surely some revelation is at hand;
    Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
    The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
    Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
    A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
    A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
    Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
    Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.
    The darkness drops again but now I know
    That twenty centuries of stony sleep
    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

    Book of Yeats, 6:66

  8. lefty74

    Whenever I drove into Oklahoma the kids started fighting in the back seat, I got horney, and Todd wanted me to stop so he could steal chickens.

  9. SorosBot

    The crosses and new testament bible verses were just there to let customers know that these bank weren't, you know, like most bankers; who are a type of people most Oklahomans hate.

  10. metamarcisf

    In the few days left in the lame duck session, congress must pass a bill censoring all Christmas Caroles that don't have the word "Christmas" in them.

    In: "Holly Jolly Christmas"
    Out: "Oh Holy Night"

        1. V572625694

          It was probably clever and enjoyable the first time. Like "The Nutcracker," or water torture, is begins to wear on you.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      It seems to unfair that the wonkette fairy has been sprinkling happy Xmas pees upon the wonkeratti, and you're still buried in a trench of despair, circa WWI.

  11. Naked_Bunny

    Bankers (i.e. Jews) should be allowed to display Baby Jesus on a Cross! This nation was founded on torture worship, dammit!

  12. mereoblivion

    When I lay you out tonight you'll see,
    Heathen, here's the way it's goin' to be:
    You will fall under a rain of snow-white punches
    At the holiest bank you'll ever see!

    Yids and coons and queens better scurry,
    When we kick your ass you'll see blurry,
    Kick your ass, so you better worry with some cringe on top!

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    I will sing my High School Musical (1979 version)

    TOOOOOOOOOOklahoma
    Where the wind comes sweeping up the Bong
    Where the waving grass
    Can sure kick Ass
    And really blow your freakin' Mind

    TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma
    Where the Mental Midgets go to die
    Where the ruling class
    Hates your Ass
    Especially if you are yellow, black or brooooooown.

    Yeah, I went to the Stoner Heights High Scool in Annandale and drank malt duck freely (it was shoplifted from 7-11). A dozen of us sang these fine choruses (chori?) and nearly got expelled for the Marxist leanings of our lyrics and were told the school could get sued for "unlawful" usage of the fake lyrics, which were promptly taped to the walls of the toilet stalls nearest the auditorium after the next show.

      1. HELisforHEL

        It was totally more fun. I feel a load of sadness for my assorted Nieces & Nephews. And we actually were taught to think critically in school, as opposed to the learning-for-the-test-only® crap so prevalent today.

        ®Registered 2000-200X/BushCheneyStupidityProject

  14. Serolf_Divad

    Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest.

    My pastor taught me that that was the "old law" and that when Jesus came and fulfilled God's promise to mankind by suffering on the cross and dying for our sins, the old law against usury was replaced by a NEW COVENANT. So instead of prohibiting usury, like in the Old Testamnent, the New Testament instead encourages Credit Card issuers implement a 1.3% cash rebate at participating vendors, payable in gift cards to a list of 15 exciting Merchants, including Best Buy, Amazon.com, Lady Footlocker and J. C. Penney.

    1. SorosBot

      It's just like the rules against eating pork or wearing mixed fabrics; none of the bizarre old rules from Leviticus & Deuteronomy apply post-Jesus, except for some unexplained reason the hate-the-gays one.

    2. ttommyunger

      I swear to God, the only thing that keeps me from greeting every "man of the cloth" with the title "Shaman" is the rare possibility I might insult a really good person.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Like my pastor and the one before her. Too bad there are so many more that are dickwad phony-ass Xians down here.

      2. SorosBot

        But there is a big difference, see; Clerics focus almost exclusively on healing and buffing, while Shamans are weaker on that front but have some offensive spells as well.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    In Jerusalem, Jesus (or a collection of folk characters bearing that name) overturned the tables of the moneychangers because they set up shop in the temple. Now the moneychangers have formed their own temple and dedicated it to him, jumping between the horns of the dilemma. As a practical matter however, it just identifies the bank as one whose clients can be easily ripped off by those brand of middle-American huckster who prey on the pious.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        That is the temple of a hollow religion whose followers reap the whirlwind. The real temple is on the back of the ten dollar bill.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      No argument here. Although you could easily substitute "the bank" with "Thomas Kinkaide" or "Wal-Mart" and your last sentence would be just as perfect.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Very serious and accurate. Can I take this to mean you haven't begun your Xmas celebratory drinking?

  16. donner_froh

    Good thing that Bernanke and the rest of the people running the Fed have everything in the economy under control so that they can deal with idiotic crap from inbred cretins that elected Inhofe.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    Deuteronomy is old testament. If you heathens knew anything about our lord, it's that his teachings overule the old Hebrew laws. There is a big section of Mark dedicated to derivitives trading in fact.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That is so excellent, I wish I had the nerve to veer from Stillwater (Merry Xmas spending, of course) to Perkins and suggest it to the bank manager.

      But I'm not that brave.

  18. Steverino247

    Boy, it's a good thing the Romans crucified Jesus, because if they drowned him in a barracks lavatory, wearing little gold toilets on your necklaces would be so embarrassing!

  19. kottmyer

    Perkins people — Open the New Testament. Read the red text. Slowly. Ponder. And then explain to me how Jesus Christ has anything to do with any institution that is subject to a Federal Reserve rule.

  20. PhilippePetain

    I fully support this bank following Biblical law and giving 10% of everything they make in income to the church.

  21. kottmyer

    The thing that gets me is: I'm a believer, and I also believe that God is laughing his ass off over this. Putting God in a bank (or fighting over "Christ in Christmas") shows a pretty low regard for God's standing in the universe, if you ask me.

    As if any member of the Holy Trifecta gives a shit about Ben Bernanke's regulations on this little planet out here — or anything else we do, as long as we keep it to ourselves and don't fuck up the rest of the universe. Amen.

  22. WhatTheHeck

    It was one thing to put the money lenders in the temple so Jeesus could overturn their tables filled with the monies. But now they are putting the temple in with the money lenders.
    Something is wrong with this picture.

  23. ttommyunger

    If Inhoffe loves Jeebus so much why doesn't he go live with him? Christ, the motherfucker must be close to 80 now. Puullleeeeeeze!

  24. DustBowlBlues

    Goddam, wonkette. It's the Winter Solstice/Eclipse of the Goddess Moon holiday and you can't give an okie a break, can you? (Although, snaps for that alt-text.)

    Seriously, Oklahoma: in respect for the fact I'm a faithful United Methodist and actually celebrate this fucking holiday the way baby Jesus intended (by exploding the balance on my bank card), could you people just not be retarded for a couple of fucking days? Seriously–just not be Texas Lite until Saturday, okay? Take a fruit cake break, load up the Braum's eggnog with giant shots of Wild Turkey and just be normal, or as normal as you morans can get, for a few days.

    What did DBB ask Santy for Xmas? For fucking Oklahoma to pull it's head out of its ass until Dec 26.

  25. deanbooth

    A line from Wikipedia on usury, updated:

    Peasants were forced to pay their taxes to Jews [Democrats] who were economically coerced into becoming the "front men" for the lords [Republicans]. The Jews [Democrats] would then be identified as the people taking their earnings. Meanwhile the peasants would remain loyal to the lords [Republicans]. (What's the Matter with Peasants, 1179 A.D.)

  26. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, the good people of this Oklahoma bank are on good grounds, religiously, at least. After all, who can possibly forget the story of how Jesus happened upon the money-changers in the temple, and said, "Hey guys: keep doing more of this exact thing. This is seriously a great idea!"

  27. Negropolis

    You guys are obviously taking this the wrong way. The crosses on the desks are to keep vampires at bay, and the Bible verses on the website are there to increase the literacy rate of Payne County.

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