Michelle Obama Fills Your Stockings With Coal and Exercise

The Baby Jesus is almost here, which means that soon, Michelle Obama and some unwilling schoolchildren will probably be making plates of whole grain toast and carrots to leave out for Kris Kringle, the only fat man fully endorsed by our FLOTUS. But before Michelle can gather the family around the hearth for bowls of Special K and a slightly modified version of “’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” she has some shopping of her own to do. What will she get Barry this Christmas? How about a sexy hot tub, or maybe some professional help for the troubled First Dog, Bo?

Michelle visited the Children’s National Medical Center last week to consult some children about her Christmas shopping, if she’s even going to do any, because maybe Barack Obama doesn’t deserve presents.

"I’m not going to tell you because it’s going to be in the paper tomorrow, and then he’s going to read it, and then it won’t be a surprise. But first I have to see whether he’s been naughty or nice. I’ve been trying to figure that out," Mrs. Obama joked.

Ha ha, “figure that out.” Superhero that she is, Michelle has total access to Santa’s magic snow globe or whatever, and knows who has been naughty, who has been nice, and who has been skipping gym class to sneak Snickers bars under the bleachers.

The children suggested everything from a watch, to a suit, to a bell, to an ornament, to candy, to a “new” hot tub as options for gifts to give the commander-in-chief.

"You think he’s got an old hot tub?" she laughed back.

Those sick children are so ignorant. Of course the Obamas don’t have an old hot tub. They have the biggest hot tub in the world, carved out of elephant tusks and adorned with pink conflict diamonds. Sometimes Michelle takes it to Spain with her, but most of the time Bo just swims around in it, when he's not gambling or getting drunk on the taxpayers' dime.

There were also suggestions for what to get Bo, the Obama’s family dog. The First Lady said that her daughters Malia and Sasha are the ones responsible for shopping for Bo.

"The dog is a mess. He just leaves his toys everywhere. And then he loses them and then he’s got nothing to play with. So we probably need to get him some more toys."

The past two years have been rough on poor Bo Obama, and his mind is not what it used to be. Here is the video of Bo freaking out, and Michelle explaining why it’s important to eat a light breakfast on Christmas morning:

[ ABC News ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.