FLOTUS FILES  12:20 pm December 20, 2010

Michelle Obama Fills Your Stockings With Coal and Exercise

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...The Baby Jesus is almost here, which means that soon, Michelle Obama and some unwilling schoolchildren will probably be making plates of whole grain toast and carrots to leave out for Kris Kringle, the only fat man fully endorsed by our FLOTUS. But before Michelle can gather the family around the hearth for bowls of Special K and a slightly modified version of “’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” she has some shopping of her own to do. What will she get Barry this Christmas? How about a sexy hot tub, or maybe some professional help for the troubled First Dog, Bo?

Michelle visited the Children’s National Medical Center last week to consult some children about her Christmas shopping, if she’s even going to do any, because maybe Barack Obama doesn’t deserve presents.

“I’m not going to tell you because it’s going to be in the paper tomorrow, and then he’s going to read it, and then it won’t be a surprise. But first I have to see whether he’s been naughty or nice. I’ve been trying to figure that out,” Mrs. Obama joked.

Ha ha, “figure that out.” Superhero that she is, Michelle has total access to Santa’s magic snow globe or whatever, and knows who has been naughty, who has been nice, and who has been skipping gym class to sneak Snickers bars under the bleachers.

The children suggested everything from a watch, to a suit, to a bell, to an ornament, to candy, to a “new” hot tub as options for gifts to give the commander-in-chief.

“You think he’s got an old hot tub?” she laughed back.

Those sick children are so ignorant. Of course the Obamas don’t have an old hot tub. They have the biggest hot tub in the world, carved out of elephant tusks and adorned with pink conflict diamonds. Sometimes Michelle takes it to Spain with her, but most of the time Bo just swims around in it, when he’s not gambling or getting drunk on the taxpayers’ dime.

There were also suggestions for what to get Bo, the Obama’s family dog. The First Lady said that her daughters Malia and Sasha are the ones responsible for shopping for Bo.

“The dog is a mess. He just leaves his toys everywhere. And then he loses them and then he’s got nothing to play with. So we probably need to get him some more toys.”

The past two years have been rough on poor Bo Obama, and his mind is not what it used to be. Here is the video of Bo freaking out, and Michelle explaining why it’s important to eat a light breakfast on Christmas morning:

[ABC News]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

 
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{ 31 comments }

SexySmurf December 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Michelle couldn't decide if she wanted to get Barack a watch or a hot tub, so she decided to compromise and just kick him in the balls.

Blendergoathead December 20, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Actually, if she wanted to be helpful, she could give him a pair of balls. Then kick him in them, of course

edgydrifter December 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

There are dogs at Walter Reed with no paws, because they were distracted by the gays.

itsjesuscriss December 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm

It is time to leave the little fat children the hell alone. If they were eating more reindeer they would be a doughy picture of health like Bristol and the rest of the Palins. As they say at the Palins, "I never saw a tame reindeer that I wouldn't shoot at a half-dozen times before I gutted and ate it."

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2010 at 12:35 pm

"Conflict diamonds?" We can't call them blood diamonds anymore? Actually it doesn't matter — if it's a choice between DeBeers diamonds and blood diamonds, I'll take the blood diamonds every time — DeBeers had a huge lead in killing people, and it's precisely because they've cornered the diamond market to jack the price up that blood diamonds are worth anything at all. Not that I buy diamonds. Or can afford to.

Beowoof December 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I have never been as mesmerised by shiny rocks as so many seem to be. Alhtough, I have heard of benefits being bestowed on men who give women these things. However, with so many who offer those services with out the benefit of shiny rocks why bother.

SheriffRoscoe December 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Most of the women I've known to possess these shiny rocks have also possessed cankles.

ttommyunger December 20, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Where, I ask, are Santa's hands, and why is Michelle smiling?

V572625694 December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Was that banjo music at the start of that clip? Watch it, CNMC, or your finding might go in the tank.

Mindblank December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

The dilemma about Bo calls for TARP: the Toys from the Asses of Republicans Ploy. Bite 'em, Bo!

WarAndGee December 20, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Nancy Reagan is still stuffing my stocking with NO DRUGS so whatever these presidential sidekicks want to give us doesn't matter much to me.

slappypaddy December 20, 2010 at 12:45 pm

he's been naughty. she's been naughty. we've all been naughty. something nice for the naughty is in order.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Maybe she'll get him a pallet of Nicoderm patches. Boehner too.

PublicLuxury December 20, 2010 at 12:49 pm

BO is made of pipe cleaners. All the other Portuguese Water Dogs won't play with him. He feels bad, skips therapy and hides in a cave until a God like fictional character, named Santa, needs him to lead him to all the good boys and girls.

He then promptly crapped in Michelle Bachmann's stocking and pissed on Barry's leg.

Merry X-mas

PsycWench December 20, 2010 at 12:50 pm

The little girl in the blue dress on the right must be a Republican. She's not listening to anything an Obama has to say but is just fidgeting and squirming until she gets to do what she planned to do all along.

(I only watched the first minute so correct me if she recites the Pledge of Allegience or something at 15:00)

Extemporanus December 20, 2010 at 12:51 pm

The beginning of that video reminded me of a joke:

Santa Claus, the First Lady, and a dog walk into a children's hospital run by Dr. Pedobear…

freakishlywrong December 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm

As much as I adore FLOTUS there's a huge part of me that loves to think about her in Hawaii, swilling champagne and smoking the salvia and saying; "Fuck this shit, just fuck it. Fucking Hillbillies"

Beowoof December 20, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Well, at least she isn't giving it the Sarah Palin, you know high fructose cookies and then video games to sit around the house with and pretend you're a bad ass.

mereoblivion December 20, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Back when I was a young'un, we used to skip gym class and sneak under the bleachers, too, but not for Snickers. Bo, meanwhile, being a water dog, has been nautical but nice. And at least Michelle, unlike her hub, doesn't talk to children about cleaning up after Bo's poop.

Serolf_Divad December 20, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I’m not going to tell you because it’s going to be in the paper tomorrow, and then he’s going to read it, and then it won’t be a surprise, but I will tell you that it will be made of sterling silver, very tastefully ornamented, and will have John Boehner and Mitch McConnel's severed heads resting upon it

.

Merry Christmas, America!

BerkeleyBear December 20, 2010 at 3:26 pm

A decent start, but I was thinking you could add Cantor for that extra special, multi-cultural touch.

CrankyLttlCamperette December 20, 2010 at 4:33 pm

She got him that for Chanukkah.

SheriffRoscoe December 20, 2010 at 1:09 pm

How many little tots are going to be disappointed Christmas morning when they discover P90-X isn't a shiny new bicycle?

HistoriCat December 20, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I (secretly) lust after the P90-X. If Michelle were to put that in my stocking, I would be quite pleased. OK, I'm not a kid but still …

BerkeleyBear December 20, 2010 at 3:28 pm

But if you order the shake program too, and make them with whole milk and ice cream (the Roseanne Slim-Fast Plan) you'd make them very happy. Round, but happy.

finallyhappy December 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm

I didn't see Bo freak out- Haven't I told the Wonkette writers this before- say what you want about anyone but leave the Bo dog alone!!!

horsedreamer_1 December 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm

She should get him a thumb-drive…

/tugs collar

MarionNYNY December 20, 2010 at 1:16 pm

For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my first lady.

Oblios_Cap December 20, 2010 at 1:24 pm

I have some personal exercise machinery that I'd like to fill up Michelle Obama with! I'm tired of exercising alone.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2010 at 1:43 pm

If the Obama's do get Bo new toys how will he ever learn that he should not misplace his toys?? Are they not enabling Bo to be careless?

I think the will realize when Bo is a teenager that they have made incorrect decisions regarding his self-discipline.

There, it HAD to be said.

MozakiBlocks December 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Sorry no snark. I was momentarily consumed by the thought of Barry and our FLOTUS being naughty together.

I feel much better now.

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