endless war on xmas

Rep. Loretta Sanchez Sends History’s Saddest Christmas Card

All I ever get for Christmas is blue.For the past hundred years or so, political people in Washington and Southern California have looked forward to nothing more than the whimsical/weird Christmas Card sent out by Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez. Why? Because it showed a bit of whimsy/weirdness, which means it was utterly unique in the dead-soul forced-smile world of U.S. politics. Well, we hope you all enjoyed the fun of years past, with Loretta and her cat doing various funny things like surfing or riding motorcycles or burning twenty dollar bills. We hope you liked all that.

Because it’s over. Loretta’s cat died.

Aw goddammit how much of this we got to take?Happy Christmas, everybody! The cat apparently died in a tragic holiday fire. [Thanks to “Danielle” for sending the card and bumming everybody out. Thanks a lot, “Danielle.”]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. BerkeleyBear

      And here I was thinking it was the ongoing debacle that is the Phoenix Coyotes drove him to immolation.

  1. DoktorZoom

    Man. This is like tuning in for the Barney Miller Christmas Special and getting the Jack Soo Memorial Clip Show instead.

      1. DoktorZoom

        I was thinking of the unexpected Xmas sadz, not casting aspersions on Lt. Yamada. He was a nifty part of one of the great ensemble workplace comedies.

        His coffee, on the other hand…

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        On topic, a recent surprise for me, I just got the first disc of the Firefly teevee show from Netflix and, holy shit – Ron Glass! I haven't seen him in a million years.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Yeah, as a young white kid growing up in the 70's, Bill Cosby, Robert Guillame, Ron Glass and Tim Meadows taught me I didn't have to be afraid of black people anymore.

            Then somebody introduced me to James Brown and Screamin' Jay Hawkins…

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Yes! Barney Miller! And, apropos of yesterday's vote, the show featured gay people. Granted, they were only ever there as arrestees, but, it was way back in the '70's. Now I haz an old.

    1. angryclownspawn

      Actually the more I think about it, the better off we are all. This just means there will be more cat food available once the new congress passes austerity cuts and gets rid of food stamps and such.

  2. inapewetrust

    everybody lift your first friday beginning-of-the-binge boozey drinks – lift them high, i say! – and toast the memory of the handsome and heroic gretzky. TO GRETZKY!

    1. Crank_Tango

      I am gonna twist of a fatty of the finest organic california medical catnip around, for the shorties.

  3. weejee

    Wuz that cat a Persian???? Could Gretsky have been a plant by Ahmadinejihad????? Could Gretsky have been leakin' before the Wiki????? Video at 11:00.

    1. edgydrifter

      It looked like Wilford Brimley with a bad case of hypertrichosis. Still, having your pet die at Xmas makes for a shitty future-memory. I can vouch for that.

      1. Negropolis

        Anyone who can fit in a Wilford Brimley reference in everyday conversation is good people in my book.

      1. Beanball

        Me too! It's gonna be a swell Christmas.

        And on that cheery note I frolic, BUT, some time I'll tell you all about how my crazy grandmother put our Siamese in the freezer and I'm not kidding.

        1. DoktorZoom

          Watch the frolicking. It inevitably leads to some fool girl brushing your wing, and then, heartbreak.

        2. ChessieNefercat

          My mother put the family's cremated kitties in their boxes right there in the kitchen hutch, next to the cheerios and bran flakes.

        3. ChessieNefercat

          Oh, she didn't cremate them to put them with the breakfast cereal, it was a gradual thing, old age, car squashings, etc.

          I, ah, have a finch in my freezer. One of these years I'll bury it, if the damn snow ever melts long enough.

    2. Mahousu

      Will Pope Kitty be presiding at Gretzky's funeral? It seems only fitting.

      I have some acrobatic male cats I can send to perform if the Pope needs an incentive.

    1. Crank_Tango

      hmm yeah, when it starts to feel great, the rubber has given out. no mistaking that, not sober anyway.

    2. slappypaddy

      the sex police are out there on the streets, while indoors, there's gonna be a meter on every bed that will disclose what everybody does.

      1. Bluestatelibel

        "It was the worst sex ever," one of the victims complained. Wow, I didn't realize being lousy in bed is a crime.

          1. chicken_thief

            Only if you've been banging Swedish chicks, but, what the hell, it still seems like a net plus to me.

    3. Steverino247

      The case against Assange, which has been the subject of intense speculation and dispute in mainstream media and on the internet, is laid out in police material held in Stockholm to which the Guardian received unauthorised access.

      Unauthorized access? Oooh! Karma's a bitch, ain't it.

  4. mereoblivion

    Well, Gretzky's smile was starting to seem a little forced. And now he's gone to white pussy heaven so all manner of thing be well.

    1. BarryOPotter

      … that cat was the only fur on Loretta's lap

      I imagine Christine O'Donnell's cat goes missing for days on end, then she decides to do a skivy refresh and "Meow!"

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Nineteen years is a long time for a cat, so nice run, Gretzky. And here's to Loretta Sanchez and fresh pussy.

  6. charlesdegoal

    Not quite sure what she means by "harmed" in that 2004 card. Just burning the tip of their tails doesn't hurt cats much, but the invisible psychological scars can be lasting. Gretzky may have lived another six years in mental agony and his death may well have been a deliverance.
    Also, with that name and certainly very clumsy on ice – never mind skates – he probably suffered from a dreadful case of low self-esteem.

  7. wok3

    Thought she was talking about the hockey player when she drunk dialed me on the phone, now this all makes sense!

  8. Bluestatelibel

    It's been a great week all around, yes? First, our Kenyan-muslim-socialist president turns Repubatard, I'm forced to use dead weeds as Xmas decorations, and this poor lady's cat passes away. But in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, there's nothing that booze can't cure, let the drinking begin.

      1. chicken_thief

        Buck up, little camper – I actually laughed out loud when I read it. And was surprised by the negative… I'll give ya a plus thumb!

  9. Wadisay

    O/T, but how the hell did I gain 40 "pees" since lunch? I mean, my last penis gag was good, but not that good. By next Tuesday, I will have 300 pees, and you will all bow down.

    1. JustPixelz

      Ken Layne was using our "p" points in some kind of ponzi scheme. Thanks to an out-of-court settlement, we got them back.

          1. PuckStopsHere

            Yeah, I'm OK, thanks. I expect to be back on the ice next week, speaking of hockey-related themes…

  10. Respitetini

    Loretta Sanchez: the original anchor congresswoman.

    RIP Kitteh. Enjoy the celestial cheeseburgers.

  11. JustPixelz

    That cat was 19 years old! Born during the Bush Administration (non-fuckup edition). Old enough to vote, enlist, get pregnant (Palin cats only). Older than some of the things in my 'fridge.

  12. PsycWench

    Looking at that cat's picture, you know he's seen some things. Some things that cannot be unseen even for cats, who are all about convenience after all.

  13. angryclownspawn

    How sad that the poor cat died before the Obama tax miracle cured the economy and fixed unemployment.

        1. weejee

          I think we've more likely been tricked by the financial highs than we'll get trickled. Peed upon, too, also, but not in those greenies next to our avatars.

  14. PublicLuxury

    My pussy died at 18. My Muffy did not go on Congressional Junkets so she did not show the longevity that corporate money can provide.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      The family cat we had when I was a kid lived to 21 (possibly 22; she was full grown when she adopted us). This shows the longevity that sleeping on my feet and alternately, on my face, can provide.

    2. ttommyunger

      Your pussy died at eighteen, or was it so good you just felt like you'd died and you had seen the face of God? Be specific!

      1. PublicLuxury

        It was soooooo good I saw the face of God. On the up side, it is still good and God's face hasn't changed.

        1. ttommyunger

          Good for you! Everyone has the right to be orgasmic. May you observe His Visage three different ways: long, hard and often.

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Aw hell, I might as well share in the grief and mention the passing of another fine animal, a Great American (American Shorthair), a long time member of my family, all 18 pounds of him a lean, mean rabbit-killing machine. Tallest cat I ever met, a born clown, and a great big lovable galoot who made it a point to bite everyone, when provoked, except me.

    I only hope his love of sharing my bourbon on the rocks, a habit of his in his younger days, wasn't the major factor in his death by liver failure at age 13, about two months ago.

    R.I.P., Blackie. *sniff* ('Scuse me, I think I got something in my eye)

    1. DashboardBuddha

      He reminds me a bit of my current Buddy…although the Budster only tips the scales at 14 pounds. His "sister" MC only weighs 7 pounds and likes to sleep on my side with me in bed. Cat whore that I am, I don't want to disturb her in her slumbers so when I have to turn over, I do so VERY slowly. This allows her to do what I like to call "The Slow Motion Log Roll" with me playing the role of the log. Buddy just sleeps off to one side and laughs.

      I dig cats.

  16. slithytoves

    I asked my cats how they felt about this: one could not be distracted from drinking from the Solstice tree well and the other was licking his no longer existent balls and couldn't take any questions. I take that for "life is short: run hard, sleep often, eat mice, and get your human to scratch your chin."

    Very Tao, these beings.

    1. PublicLuxury

      I was going to have my cat stuffed…. But friends and family found it odd at the best point and disturbed at the worst point. The husb rolled in and said, "That's fucking gross! No! You are not going to do that." Discussion ended and the cat got cremated and looked a lot like kitty litter…. Go figure?

  17. user-of-owls

    Now wait just one goddamn minute. How in the $#@^&% did metamarcisf wind up in his/her beautiful red hole again after the The Great P Forward?

  18. user-of-owls

    On the bright side, the fact that poor Gretzky passed before December 31st means that Loretta can claim a 30% Energy Tax Credit for reducing her cat footprint.

    1. weejee

      And Gretzky died before the estate tax gets reinstated!!! Loretta gets all the monies from those Tender Vittles commercials that are part of the estate sans the taxman hit.

    1. natoslug

      Until he died, I had no idea that he lived in the same town as me. I need to get out more, while I still fit through the doorway.

  19. Blendergoathead

    Damn. In this situation, the snark just writes itself, but out of respect for the dead kitty…

    … oh, fuck it. I'd vote in her district, if you know what I mean.

    Now I feel bad.

  20. smokefilledroommate

    Gretzky will be her new 'body glove'..bluh.
    (Having problems with snark, 'cause pet death fucking sucks).

  21. trampndirtdown

    I don't particularly like cats, but anybodies pet dieing makes me kinda sad. I also wish i was in her district, any one who sends out christmas cards like that needs my vote.

  22. chascates

    I hope Ms. Sanchez gets a cat from a shelter. I just adopted 2 kittens that were born outside a kitchen I volunteer at.

    On the ASG Usenet group, a celebrity gossip list, someone who has just died is now said to be in the stereo cabinet because of this one post in reply to a poster's pet loss:

    Having been through it myself, I know how you are feeling. I had my
    cat freeze dried and he is in my stereo
    [cabinet] and can be seen through glass doors in a sleeping position. I couldn't bear to put him in the ground. Some people react strangely but it gives me great comfort to always see the animal who was my good friend. Though I've had many animals over the years, Spike was my special buddy and he will be buried with me.

  23. user-of-owls

    The man they called the Boehner swore he'd kill the cat on sight
    He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamite
    He waited and he waited for the cat to come around
    Ninety seven pieces of the Boehner is all they ever found

    But Gretzky came back the very next day
    Her cat came back, we thought he was a goner
    But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away

  24. fuflans

    it's christmas time, there's no need to be afraid,
    at christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade
    and in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
    throw your arms around the world at christmas time.

    but say a prayer, a pray for the other ones…
    do they know it's christmas time at all?

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Sanchez clearly didn't understand when she was told that many voters were interested in her pussy.

  26. bflrtsplk

    This presents a real dilemma: Get skunk drunk to forget or stay sober to maintain some dignity. Aaahhhhh! Pass the bottle.

    By the way, John Boner didn't cry.

  27. predilectrix

    Mourn not–Gretzky is now with Ceiling Cat. Thanks to his modelling experience, he's being groomed as Ceiling Cat's body double for prmotional events, photo shoots, etc.. His charmed life of snuggling between the legs of brown ladies goes on.

  28. themcwow

    Met her campaigning @ 2006 Tet Festival (without Catbus) in full Vietnamese trad garb, passing out New Year envelopes/candy. Pre Van Tran gaffe.

    1. Crank_Tango

      a broken clock is right 729 times a year more than lieberman, not including leap years, but still.

  29. Veritas78

    So one cat down, a hundred million to go. These feline parasites have figured out how to infest their human hosts so that the latter no longer prefer human contact, resulting in the widespread misanthropy we have all observed in cat "owners." It's all part of the plan. When they finally achieve a détente with dogs, we are truly fucked.

  30. Neilist

    Oh, one more thing:

    Documented intelligence from our National Strategic Assets (well, okay, a bunch of blurry xeroxes that the Israelis faxed over) establishes that Persian cats are running a covert uranium enrichment program outside of IAEA controls.

    Also, Persian cats get that "unibrow" thing when they get older. And their granduncles are all former colonels in the Savak.

    Siamese cats, on the other hand . . . or other paw. Whatever.

  31. MiniMencken

    The Loretta Sanchez's mailing list is huge, covering not just people in her California district, the 47th, and Washington D.C. but political types across this here great land of ours. Receiving her Xmas card has always been the highlight of my season. But, nothing will match the splendor of her 2006 effort…

  32. BarryOPotter

    That's why you never got your feline pimp card, which sucks if you were dreaming of becoming a card-carrying feline pimp.

  33. realmurkin

    There's so much material for hilarity here, but as a cat owner I just feel super bummed out. Hang in there, Loretta.

  34. IgnatiusRally

    Ok, the banner ad on this page is for Snapfish christmas photo cards. WTF?

    Speaking of WTF, she named her cat Gretzky?

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