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Newt Gingrich has some very interesting schemes for making money, it seems, but it troubles him that the same strip joint keeps trying to give him funds for one of his special Newt trophies. Newt, of course, needs monies to build a prison of Christianity around the GZ MOSK, but it keeps getting infected with the stripper cash he keeps accidentally asking for.

It’s troubling to see such an important champion of family values be plagued by this sleazy provider of college tuition for young women. Perhaps his next mistress/wife (First Lady) will be able to correct the books on his righteous fundraising scam. Because the last thing America needs is to see Newt go bankrupt and have to get a real job at the Sizzler. [Rachel Maddow via FrontBurner]

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  • MoeDeLawn

    Newt's a miserable shit.

    Merry Christmas Wonketeers.

    • PublicLuxury

      Sweet Jesus… It is suppose to be Happy Holidays? There's a war on X-mas or have you been living in Pakistan?

  • fuflans

    yup those are some american solutions alright.

  • What I don't get is this… how does a guy with no obvious lap get a lap dance?

    • SmutBoffin

      It's just called a 'pannus dance' instead.

      Ha, think about that the next time you eat!

      • OneDollarJuana

        MMMMMMMM, pannus pannini!

      • ttommyunger

        Neck wattles and multiple chins serve nicely in his case.

        • jus_wonderin

          That does raise the question, is that Newt's neck or does he have a pack of Oscar Mayer weiners tucked into his collar?

          (My product placement work is complete for the day. Drinks on the house!!)

          • ttommyunger

            He says it is his skin beard.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      It’s called the Santa maneuver, if there is a knee sticking out of the fat rolls it can be squatted on.

    • Not_So_Much

      Watch a group of ants swarm all over a fresh, steaming pile of dog shit. Identical.

  • SorosBot

    Newt doesn't to understand the concept of a strip club, in asking the club to give him money; that's kind of the opposite of how it works.

    • DoktorZoom

      I just flashed on the mental image of Newt in a gold-lame thong, gyrating before a crowd of lobbyists who are screaming for the chance to stuff huge wads of cash into his penis-pouch.

      Then I thought of this Kids in the Hall sketch, and felt far less squicked out.

  • PsycWench

    Don't many businesses send some kind of "Thank You!" token to their best customers at holiday time? Why does Newt hate small business? I'm assuming it's a small business b/c there aren't a lot of stripper chains.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Republicans don't care about a "small business" until it's large enough to outsource its jobs overseas.

    • Newt prefers the small businesses that own the Chicago Tribune and Price Waterhouse Coopers. That is small business that he can believe in…

  • bumfug

    It's not that they're strippers, Newt just hates that they're not lesbian bondage strippers.

    • SexySmurf

      That's because Newt is street. Just like Michael Steele.

      Bibble.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I think Newt would "roll" better than Steele, though.

        • DoktorZoom

          Newtie rolls like a big pasty flesh-katamari, picking up any detritus smaller than he is.

  • freakishlywrong

    I'd like to Lodge something up that fuck fuckwit's ass. Only in a purely VIP way, of course.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Dollar bills?

    • Boredw/Gravity

      A stripper pole.

    • A fire extinguisher, we could make a Nude Newt Rocket, make Newt go Newtonian.

    • DoktorZoom

      Henry Cabot?

    • PublicLuxury

      I want a ticket.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Even Nigerian email scammers know when it's time to move on and hit another mark — Newt, however, displays the persistence that eventually almost got Nixon's reputation rehabilitated. With all his personal charm and persuasive new ideas, Newt might eventually be found less loathesome than Ivan the Terrible, but that's about it — Ivan never abandoned his cancer-stricken wife.

    • mereoblivion

      Plus Mussorgsky never wrote an opera about Newt, and ain't likely to.

  • jim89048

    Pay no attention to the man behind the meat curtains.

  • doxastic

    Newt Gingrich says no sex in the champagne room.

    • horsedreamer_1

      But he has never once gone to Hooters for wings.

  • mereoblivion

    Newt Gingrich Can’t Stop Going To Strip Club For Money
    Why would anyone pay Newt to go to a strip club? ("All the Newt That's Fit to Strip?")
    Actually, he keeps thinking they're strip-mining clubs.

    • SorosBot

      Actually, I could see the strippers paying Newt to leave the strip club.

  • SmutBoffin

    Ugh, that cash is probably pretty gross. Covered in stripper grease, Axe body spray, and a light dusting of booger sugar.

    • Extemporanus

      According to Jack, stip joint cash is sweater.

      • horsedreamer_1

        From being stuck in between the girls's sweater puppies, obviously.

        • SmutBoffin

          Haha, that one comes from a long time ago.

      • SmutBoffin

        You make a very cromulent point.

        • Extemporanus

          Cromulent points embiggen my P-ness.

        • Not_So_Much

          I'm dribbling pee on this string as hard as I can. I regret that I apparently only have a small amount of pee to give.

          • HistoriCat

            You might want to go see a doctor about that.

  • neiltheblaze

    David Vitter would treat those strippers with a lot more respect than Newt does – as long as they agree to change his diaper.

  • Come here a minute

    Maybe he could just give his "prize" to the Sizzler in exchange for steaks.

    Mmmm…..Sizzler.

  • His life would be a lot simpler if he just married a stripper.

    • genxr

      He's a pious and moral man. He won't marry a new stripper until the old one gets cancer.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      He's waiting for his current wife to get sick enough to divorce.

    • Newtie is looking for galz who are forever young. Since he's not likely to successful with that search, maybe he should just marry a strip club and then he'd have nudie cuties who are forever youngz.

      • DoktorZoom

        I bet they'd never pull his tiny petals off, either.

      • SecretMuslin

        "Forever Young" sounds like a line of Real Dollz, and that sounds about right for Newt.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      That's why he's hitting up the strip clubs. A virtual sea of potential First Ladies.

  • CrunchyKnee

    There's a job at Sizzler?!!!!???

    • Terry

      There's always a job at Sizzler, mostly it involved cleaning out the grease trap. Seems to be a lot of turn over in that position.

  • ttommyunger

    Newt observes no standards when it comes to chasing money, whether it's trying to sell fake awards to gullible businesses or sucking Elephant Dicks at a Dime a Herd, it's all good to him.

  • slappypaddy

    he needs to shut his operations down until he's able to slash his expenditures and operate within a strict budget where only necessary expenses are funded. and no charge accounts. neither a borrower nor a lender be.

  • lefty is that poltice or pull-tabs for a healin'?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Instead of $2,000, Ms. Rizos donated all of our pee points back.

    • SorosBot

      Last night's great P restoration has given us all hope, and just in time for the holidays.

      • neiltheblaze

        Ah! So that's what happened….I've been away from the internets for a week because the news was so depressing I was ready to stand in a bucket of water and stick my finger in a light socket. But then I come back, and all my penis points are back! Woo hoo. Another reason to stay alive. That and reefer.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Puff puff give, Neilly. Some of us have exams to study for.

          • TanzbodenKoenig

            Freakin' Bogart's man.

  • slithytoves

    Jack – strip joint, not "stip joint." But you get an A for content, as usual.

    • Extemporanus

      And the porn star-like quantity of content he's produced thus far today earns him an 'A+'.

      ('A' stands for "anal", right?)

    • DoktorZoom

      Or perhaps a scarlet "A"

    • He likes his strip joints so nasty they even take off the 'r' there. Hubba hubba.

      • horsedreamer_1

        So, he's been East St. Louis &/or Montreal?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Oh, Rachel, be mine.

    If Mia Farrow could sport a 'do like that, c. Rosemary's Baby, & still shack up with Ol' Blue Eyes, you can go with me.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Cabaret Royale is better. Just sayin.

    • SystemError

      Less dead animals on the walls. In more ways than one.

    • DoktorZoom

      The Herb Alpert theme song was a classic, but the multiple screenwriters and directorial changes just left it a chaotic mess.

  • DCHatesMe

    Is it me, or does Rachel yak on like a giddy speed freak? What if Pee Wee Herman hosted C-Span?

    • gef05

      She's kind of hot though, in a sort of lesbian-version-Sarah-Silverman way.

    • I've noticed that. I'm hard of hearing, so if it wasn't for closed captions on my teevee, I wouldn't be able to understand a word she says. As it is, the captions have no hope of keeping up and she's still working her way the the main point halfway into the commercial break.

    • Gorillionaire

      The lamestream media only gives her an hour minus commercials and there is so much to say. At Fox all ya gotta do is just keep chanting "Obamacare gummit takeover".

  • Terry

    At least Newt is a patron at the strip club and not a dancer.

    • Oh sweet baby Jebus, the vision. And do Tejas strip clubs need to meet much in the way of seismic muster? Newtie gets all his processed Cheetos and corn dawgs a swayin' might hit 6 or more on the Richter. Just sayin'.

    • zhubajie

      That'd be a S&M club wouldn't it? For esp. weird masochists?
      Of course, he might lose weight….

  • DoktorZoom

    Proof that the closest thing to immortality is being on a fundraiser's mailing list.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    See, this is whats wrong with America. A refudiated, narcissistic, grifting shit sack who's first name is Newt, cant even bring themselves to receive money for a fake award from a titty bar. No wonder Boehner is crying all the time.

    p.s. That young brunette man seems awfully sassy.

  • gef05

    And to think – if I was to crap on that man's head live on teevee I'd be the one they arrest.

  • Newt must be the kind of guy who goes to a strip club with fifty bucks in singles and tries to cop a feel every time he sticks one of them into a dancer's G-string.

    • jim89048

      I've never been, but I always assumed that was the point?

      • mrpuma2u

        Sure you've never been. You just weren't a gold card member like Newt "contract on america" Grinchgrich, and so you attracted less attention. Good work flying under the radar like that.

  • WALLYPIP

    This Dawn Rizos is extremely clever and moderately hot. Because she might be capable of inspiring a nocturnal emission from Newt, there's no way Newt would ever tell her he was divorcing her while she was in the hospital with the Big C.

    And her PR guy is the exquisitely named Michael Precker. Out.

  • hooray4anything

    I'm sure Newt will be seriously grilled on all of this the next time he appears on Meet the Press. Or the Sunday Show on CBS. And then the Sunday show on ABC. Where he'll share his time with John McCain who'll be making an exclusive TV appearance for that hour.

    • Mr. GIngrich and Sen. McCain can swap stories. John can tell Newt what it's like to date a stripper (Marie the Flame of Florida), and Newt can share tips about how to get the dancer to put currency in your underpants.

  • mrpuma2u

    The thing that pisses me off the most is that Naughty Newt (bad, BAAAD newt) won't even use the VIP card he stumbled into. Another perk wasted on the privileged. Maybe he'll let a staffer use it.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Or a liberal application of Shout stain removal gel

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Look out for 112th majority amendment to Obamacare to ensure the coverage of skin trade workers that service GOP fundraisers.

      Which is the oldest profession again?

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Sure, there's the Socialism… But what about the unauthorized surveillance, the watch lists?

    • HistoriCat

      Santa is a Third Way Democrat.

  • MinAgain

    I so totally misunderstood the title. I assumed Newt was dancing for campaign cash, and I just couldn't figure out who'd actually pay to see that.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Again?

  • Redhead

    Well he was just trying to help those girls get their degrees and get off welfare, but it's hard to do without catching the welfare cooties.

  • zhubajie

    He threatens to strip unless you give him money?

  • user-of-owls

    Oh, Ms. Maddow! You nattering nabob of nippleism!

  • NorthStarSpanx

    nEWWWWWWWt.

  • DemmeFatale

    Two of my favorite bumper stickers (from back in the day):

    Newt gives amphibians a bad name.

    Vote for Newt…if you liked the 14th Century.

  • thefrontpage

    Gingrich: Meet a bunch of us tonight at Archibald's, and we'll talk about this.

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