cherry tree massacre

Obamas Spend Holidays With College A Capella Groups, Worshipping Dog

Didn't you two go to college? And you never figured out a way to ignore these a capella groups?
Thanks to Jackie Kennedy being hott that one time she lived there, the White House is supposed to be a place of well-decorated holiday majesty at this time of year. But the Obamas are ruining it by hanging out with singing asthmatic white college guys and forcing everyone around to worship their horrifyingly faceless dog, according to photos released by Pete Souza today.

The White House is not a place for cougar jokes, boys.
“Yes, a capella group, I would love to hear about the lobsters on your sexy very-adult canvas belt or the time your day-school quiz bowl team won the New Jersey state high-school championship, but I have to go…”

'And then the magic snowman told all the children he had a lot to deal with from the opposition and had to cave into doing what they wanted, even though he said he was magic.'
“…get blown up by these frightened children who have bombs under their giant winter hats.”

Finally somebody is able to tear him away from writing all that 'Homeward Bound' fan fiction.
The Bo is pleased with your offerings and shrines. Worship him.

Tastes like Chinese food.
This is how you take communion in the White House dog cult.

Okay okay. Don't get so grabby.
These children were lepers.

Or are they nutcracker soldiers? Same thing.
Meanwhile, three gay soldiers upset about the DADT repeal failure contemplated self-immolation. [Flickr]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Mr_Boston

    Oh, I thought the glee club had something to do with DADT repeal, because that sort of thing would be bound to happen. You know, the Singing Sailors or something belting out standards and show tunes.

      1. DeLand_DeLakes

        And let us not forget the singing and dancing Marines at the beginning of Pee Wee's Christmas special!

    1. slithytoves

      One is pretty clearly a woman… unless she's using one of the those devices I've seen in magazines in my gyney's office.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    See how friendly a FDOTUS can be when your president doesn't drop him on his head all the time?

  3. slithytoves

    Bet Michelle ran straight away to the bathroom to wash her hands of all the clearasil those guys put on their acne blooms.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    I adore The Bo. He is worthy of a cult following.

    Poor Barney Bush had to work for a living by driving the W around the ranch (because the W wouldn't have found his way back home otherwise).

          1. deelzebub

            I call mine a plague rat. Not a month goes by that he doesn't bring a virus of some sort home from school.

          2. deelzebub

            The little outbreak monkeys lure you in with there cuteness, then cough right in your face. Tiny germy bastards.

          3. OkieDokieDog

            That's why I chose an Internist for my primary physician – I have yet to see a small germy child in the waiting room.

            This ; too also – that's why I have dogs and no kids.

          4. nappyduggs

            They are all so diseased. I know it's necessary, but MEIN GOTT, there has got to be a limit. Nature should have instituted some sort of snot-and-phlegm cap.

    1. DoktorZoom

      No snark: I would just love to give Bo a tummy rub.

      OK, Michelle, too, but for VERY different reasons.

    2. finallyhappy

      The only good thing to come out of the White House during the Bush administration were the Barney cam films(unfortunately, the movies also contained many evil Republicans).

      Also – to Jack- do not make fun of Bo- that is not allowed!

  5. AntonovBureau

    Ohh, everytime I see that Kenyan usurper in his elitist ways I get a little tingly feeling inside of me.

  6. slappypaddy

    and what better way could there be to celebrate the birth of dog? he has his own pretty tree to piss on, too.

  7. elpinche

    Good god, the dog worshipping …it's almost SATANIC.

    At dinner….
    Michelle: " Ah, dessert! Chilled monkey brains . "

  8. SmutBoffin

    Whatta bunch of decent-looking, clean-cut fellas. Makes me wanna puke, actually.

    PIC #2: Is Michelle tickling that guy?


  9. edgydrifter

    My "button" finger would start throbbing madly if I had invite the Whifflepoofs into my house to sing Bieber-inspired rounds and grope my dog. The presidency can't possibly pay well enough to endure Boehner AND this.

  10. ttommyunger

    You can't see from this angle but the Military types are roasting their little weenies over the open fire; yes Martha, all three. Yes, they are tough nowadays. ps About those A Crapella Singers: I havn't seen that many ecstatic gay men in one room since the Village People's last concert. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    1. finallyhappy

      There are lots of these groups now-I don't know when Acapella became so popular in colleges. There is a TV show on now with a competition for these groups(but I think they are not all college groups- I don't know- I do not watch it- but if the Palins get on – I might!)

  11. Oblios_Cap

    The Founding Fathers never intended for glee clubs to set foot in the White House. I can see from that first picture that George is not amused!

  12. gef05

    Re Bo's decoration: "Some 80 volunteers helped create the 4 foot statue, which is made of 40,000 pipe cleaners. "

    Should read:

    Some 80 volunteers helped create the 4 foot statue, which is made from the hair of 40,000 virgins.

    40,000 *Kenyan* virgins.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Aw, man. I thought it was a Bo piñata. That way they can beat the crap out of him, and later eat him in cookie form. Just like a doggy Jesus. I don't want to be there when they nail him to a cross, however.

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I will confess that I sang in one of the college glee type groups with the dance moves and snazzy outfits but it was easy credits, no home work and lots of women. Laugh all you want but I got laid more than once in college.

    1. Neilist

      "but I got laid more than once in college."

      Well, sure, but what was his name?

      :::Bland, deadpan innocent look::::

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        Amy, Wendy, Jane, Sue, Becky I, Wilma (really), Whatshername, Cindy, Glenda(again really), Becky II and so on…
        *not so innocent look*

  14. horsedreamer_1

    RE: alt-text for second photo: Michelle will not qualify for cougar status 'til Malia is in the upperclasses in high-school (eleventh grade?). Still just a MILF &/or FLILF.

  15. widestanceroman

    Re: photo 2 alt-text–then why is the big-toothed dork with Hannity hair thrusting toward Mrs. O? Obama threatened the Jonas boys with predator drones over his daughter(s) and this kid is practically dry humping the FLOTUS. Not a good move. . .

  16. JoshuaNorton

    They all should stand around Bo and sing "In The Arms Of an Angel" until everybody gives them a lot of money to stop.

  17. freakishlywrong

    So, basically, on Dec 10th when Obarmar turned the WH back over the Bill and let him sell this awful tax package, he was really saying; "Hey, gotta go, swing choir won't practice itself now will it"?

  18. Neilist

    Would have been a more interesting story if the glee club had performed in traditional Kenyan-Hawaiian minstrel show blackface.

    To the accompaniment of banjo and jews harp.

    Just sayin'

    "Hard Times" by Stephen Foster would have been an appropriate holiday selection THIS season . . .

  19. DoktorZoom

    Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester is conspiring with Michele Bachmann to get the Cheerios invited to perform at the Christmas Eve Koran-burning…

    1. SorosBot

      Now see why couldn't they have been joined by Santana, Tina, Rachel and Quinn in skimpy outfits? That would have been a merry Christmas indeed.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Good news: During next year's sweeps, Michele Obama will do a brief cameo on Glee.

        Bad news: She will be wearing a blue tracksuit.

  20. nappyduggs

    Everyone is all about Mich's arms, but look at those gams. Like a couple of brick shithouses. Lovely. They go all the way up to her ass. That gal's alright.

  21. donner_froh

    If a dog is on object of worship it should by a St. Bernard, at least.

    Unless it is owned by Mark Foley who likes to whippet while sexting pages.

    General Petreus (and the CinC) really like the Afghan hound even though it eats all the food and bites him when he tries to pacify it.

    Harry Reid has a Boxer that is afraid of Republicans.

      1. Tommmcatt

        I'm afraid it was ironic racism, of which I am ashamed and which I almost never post because, well, racism. My only defense is that is that this is mild ironic racism, because as anyone that has worked in a bar with an African-American clientele will tell you, Courvoisier and OJ is pretty popular with the black dudes. Gin and Lemonade or Gin and OJ too.

        Not much of a defense, but there it is. I like a nice Gin and Lemonade myself, by the way, so there's what you can get me for Christmas.

        1. V572625694

          I knew rappers liked Cognac, but did know that very, very urban types would debase it w/OJ. De gustibus, etc. Our screeching denunciations of it when exhibited by others, even inadvertent, grant Wonketeers an automatic pass on racism.

  22. elpinche

    Seriously though, who dressed these guys .. Bo ? It's like the WH has a giant box of Docker clothes and Barry gave them 2 min to get dressed.

  23. MistaEko

    Oh look! It's like GLEE with double the disappointment and wasted potential!

    /-1 me all you want that show went from guilty pleasure to mindless drivel months ago.
    //sorry Josh didn't see you up there

    1. SorosBot

      Oh, I'm with you there now; after the first few episodes of this season I've taken to just having the show in the background and only really paying attention to the musical numbers. The plots have just gotten dumb, on the episodes that even have one.

  24. SorosBot

    Now I went to a college with a very accurate nerdy reputation and played regular Dungeons and Dragons there. These a capella guys? Much, much nerdier than me.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Since 1974, D & D has made at least a billion dollars, and has been played by millions of boys and at least three girls.

      (Paraphrase of a line from Mark Barrowcliffe's The Elfish Gene)

  25. DashboardBuddha

    Heh…I just noticed my P is back up where it belongs. I have been working my head off lately and haven't had much time for teh Wonkette (boss is out of the office today, yay!). Has something changed?

  26. WarAndGee

    Oh… oh…please let me give a conservative's review of the first photo, might like you'd find at Newsbuster, BIG BRIETBART, World Daily Net or poor dead W F Buckley's old mag that has turned into a Rush Limbuagh poop blog on paper:

    "The President proves once again that he is incapable of providing dignity to his role as Commander in Chief. It is as if he has turned our White House into his own private homestead complete with summertime porch for which to sing and dance.

    Granted the last inhabitant chest bumped naval cadets and shoulder goosed the German head of state, but those acts occured well into his term following long spates of dignity rooted in the light hearted spirit of our founding fathers. That is something this president is incapable of understanding due to his socialist veneer."

    The reactionary consumers of the Brietbart turdfest of web sites may duplicate and paste the above nonsequitor to any of the disingenious "articles" crapped out on to the internet by the authors at Big…Whatever (because damn! you know that sounded intellectual.)

  27. donner_froh

    Dog worshiper or not I would love to have the White House pastry chef–or an assistant since he/she will be pretty busy this time of year–drop over for an afternoon and bake a lot of yummy treats.

  28. DCHatesMe

    The glee club is actually a relief from the rest of the proceedings. Christmas at the Whitehouse seems so rigid and formal. Standing in line and smiling on command. Sir, yes sir, we are filled with seasonal joy, sir.

  29. Jukesgrrl

    Obviously they haven't seen the Kardashian Kristmas Kard, or they would know how these things are supposed to look.

    1. zhubajie

      All dogs are morally weak. They don't care.

      I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contain'd;
      I stand and look at them long and long.

      They do not sweat and whine about their condition;
      They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins;
      They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God;
      Not one is dissatisfied—not one is demented with the mania of owning things;
      Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago;
      Not one is respectable or industrious over the whole earth.
      [Leaves of Grass 32, ll.682-689]

  30. aguacatero

    Take that haters! Imagine college glee club members being invited to perform at the White House pre-Obama!

  31. PublicLuxury

    Do you think they all had butt sex in the White House? First a blowjob now butt sex. What is happening to my country?

  32. mourningnmerica

    Can it be a coincidence that they posed for that lead photo right as Don't Ask Don't Tell was passed?

  33. zhubajie

    "Meanwhile, three gay soldiers upset about the DADT repeal failure contemplated self-immolation."

    Where do you think suicide bombers come from?

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