Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we’d forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can’t afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to be the best ever! And we’ve got a very special selection of gift ideas to prove you care enough to look at a political joke website instead of doing some “Cyber Friday” last-minute charging on the almost-revoked credit card! Please get a cup of hot chocolate anything alcoholic and enjoy these yuletide gems.

EZ Spray Government Leak Stop

Got some trouble with your underlings sending all your dirty government secrets to the WikiLeaks? Then you’ll love this EZ Spray Leak Stop — just shake the can a few times and spray this stuff all over anything that leaks your diplomatic cables or whatever: computers, thumb drives, Lady Gaga CDs, telephones, temp workers, low-level enlisted military, Russians, Cubans, Arabs, just hold and spray until they shut up! You’ll want at least a hundred cartons (24 cans each) because it turns out we have a few issues in this country, haha. [Leak Stop, $13.88]

2001 Version of TurboTax

Thanks to Barack Obama Ronald Reagan Junior, George W. Bush’s magical 9/11 tax cuts have been extended for at least another two years. Hooray, we ain’t paying for nothin’ never! For the special people on your Xmas List who make so much money that they’ve been visibly relieved since this Republican deal was sealed, hit eBay for some very vintage versions of your favorite tax preparation software. 2003, 2001 — it’s all good! And by “good” we mean, “There has got to be something in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall about using nine-year-old tax software but we haven’t found it yet.” [2001 TurboTax, $119.65]

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell “Space Navy” Action Figures

Why is everybody in Washington suddenly freaking out over Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Did something suddenly change that makes the situation different than, say, two decades ago when it first appeared as a dumb compromise/symbol of Bill Clinton’s extremely pliable political beliefs? What do they know that’s making this such a sudden emergency after being repeatedly put aside since 1993? Is there a big batch of WikiLeaks on the way that will show, for example, that all the Joint Chiefs of Staff are big ol’ queers?

While we’re waiting for the suspense to end (?), please get a set of these homosexual space navy officers, “Kirk and Spock,” for that special someone on your Xmas List who is gay and in the military. Never before has being in the U.S. military been such a thankless/useless job, so being constantly threatened with dismissal because of where you theoretically might put your genitals sometimes is the height of absurdity. May the Force Be With You and Whatever! [Kirk and Spock gay wrestling figures, $29.99]

Planned Parenthood ‘Am I Pregnant’ Widget (Bristol Palin Limited Edition)

Do you know how to “use the Internet” but don’t have a clue about using birth control? Planned Parenthood is offering this delightful web widget thing so you can figure out if you just did something that might result in pregnancy. Just answer a few simple questions such as “Did I just bang some dude in a car?” and “Do I even know what a condom is?” and the intelligent widget will get to work and deliver some timely advice.

For example, if you did just bang some dude in the backseat of the Chevy Tahoe and you didn’t even consider some kind of birth control, the Planned Parenthood widget will tell you to go to the drug store and buy some Plan B. If you banged some dude in the backseat of the Chevy Tahoe maybe a week or two ago, and then you got so baked that you’re only just remembering the hazy details, the widget will perform an abortion on you — using the same interactive web technology Gawker Media recently used to fuck more than a million people who just wanted to leave a dumb comment on a stupid website about Gossip Girl or whatever. [Planned Parenthood Abortion Widget, free]