Julian Assange has finally been released on bail, LADIEZ. Who wants to buy him some train tickets and condoms he may not use? All of you? Keith Olbermann? Yes. The man has a whole castle to himself, one full of rustic objects with which to hold you down, if that is your sort of thing. Meanwhile, Gawker has published some e-mails an Australian woman received from Julian Assange in 2004, when she was 19 and he was already a white-haired weirdo. (Gawker paid her in pure, uncut Vegemite, probably.) “There was something unusual about our interaction,” he wrote in one. “It is almost as if I had scripted it and left my fingerprints in the ink.” Transparently hott!
They chatted until the bar closed, and Assange walked Elizabeth back to the small town where she lived with her parents. Walking down a small country road, Assange kissed Elizabeth. She wasn’t particularly thrilled by this development, but it didn’t put her off too much either. “It was like, fine, whatever,” Elizabeth said. “He wasn’t creepy about it, and he didn’t try anything weird.”
But then he was really creepy about it, somehow finding her parents’ phone number and calling her when she repeatedly ignored him. And then he tried to charm her by letting her know he knew the make and license-plate number of her car, which he put in a riddle.
Finally, he ended with a flourish:
President Obama is probably feeling hurt right now, because Julian Assange just sent him this exact same e-mail.
When will Julian Assange leak to us every e-mail he’s ever sent out, for the betterment of freedom and free information? These messages are entertaining, if a bit sad. Just like American politics! [NYT/Gawker]
{ 211 comments }
Jules' theory on women: "That's why I love high school girls. I get older and they stay the same."
Ahhh, Matthew McConaughey's breakout role. Nice.
alright alright alright.
Meet you at the lockers between Gym and Home Ec?
I dunno, sounds kind of gay.
Why? Let him who has never wanted to dance and sing and skip in a meadow cast..
Oh wait
Sounds French-y to me. Dude kinda looks like a lady, too. Guess I dunno, either.
And a thousand ladiez hearts swoon!
NEEDZ MOAR ASPENZ!!
They turn in groups, the way Julian has the sex.
That is a joke that only 20 people on this planet will get. And they will love you for it. Also.
Very true. Thank you for making the creepiest thing I've ever read somehow now the funniest.
I think I get it (Ken Burns?), but I'm not entirely sure.
Is that Courier New?
I would think he'd be more Garamond.
Oh no. I totally see Julian as a "Lucida Calligraphy" type of guy.
Font nerds.
Fontist.
You can approve of what he did or not, but of this there is no doubt – this is one very weird dude and you would not want your sister to marry him.
Agreed. I think I'd spray my furniture with Febreeze if he sat on any of it. Maybe something stronger.
i wouldn't want my brother to marry him, either.
I wouldn't let him play with my dog, either.
Am I the only one that gets the vibe from this dude that he puts tuna/peanut butter on his dick, and then lets his cat/dog/ferret lick it off?
Just like fellow Australian Joel Monaghan .
No, cuz she'd spend her time and money bailing him out.
I wouldn't want any woman to even meet him let alone marry him…he reminds me of this wierd karate dude I dated once…YIKES!
You mean instead of that chick she's banging? If that's what it takes to make her welcome at church again I'm all for it.
That looks like Assange's long-form perv certificate.
Sarah Palin would call this character assasination, but for some reason this has nothing to do with her, so instead it shall be known as TREASON!
Don't worry–she'll butt in anyway. When's the last time that she let a) not having anything to do with the topic or b) not knowing anything about the topic stop her from illuminating the world with her divine knowledge?
OT but I love your Don Knotts/Mr. Furley avatar. Always makes me laugh… (hoping that's not a picture of Crank Tango.)
hehehe thanks–unfortunately, I look/dress nothing like Mr. Furley!
Whether or not he's guilty of the alleged rapes, he is guilty of being creepy and having misogynistic views of women.
He's also guilty of being a pretty bad speller ("au contrair" "insolation" "yeilding" …). It rather undercuts his attempts at eloquence.
Eloquence is just another way to get the pants off, why expend more effort than is needed? Once the sperm wiggle their way in, we can leave, the deed is done.
Oh, that's a typo! I wondered why the fuck he suddenly started talking about solar radiation measurements.
Is it me or was Julian trying way too hard for 19yr old, small-town girl?
Well, it should be noted that she was livin' in a lonely world, and took a midnight train goin' anywhere.
Thanks a fuckinlot! Now, I'll be singing that damn song all the way home from the office!
and the road will just go on and on and on and on…
BTW, there is no place in Michigan called "South Detroit," not even an informal, unincorporated Census-Designated Place (CDP).
Do not underestimate 19 year old small town girls. Well worth the effort.
The point being, they don't usually take much effort?
Um, not IMHE, they typically try hard but they also don't know a whole lot about anything. When you have to have sex in a motel room that smells of mildew because no one has slept there in years, so you open the window which smells like a cattle feed lot and she is treating yer gherkin to a jerkin akin to milking an obstinate goat, all you can think about is, I hope I can leave before she wakes up. Leaving your pants behind you drive 300 miles non-stop in your boxers in the middle of the night.
That's oddly specific. And a little disturbing.
and strangely exciting
Reminds me of Donovan's songs.
Exactly. Though 19 would've been way too ancient for that pedantic old perv.
♪ ♫I'm just mad about Saffron, and she's just mad about me♪ ♫
Oh, please. Donovan's songs were much much worse than this.
♫ Here comes the hervy-pervy creep, singing songs of EWWWW… ♫
Shorter Assange: "Please please please please please please please please PLEASE call me. Boobies, also."
Shorter "Elizabeth": "OMG, creeptastic old fart, ew."
It is good thing you can't send pieces of your body in emails.
Creepy.
There's a Brett Favre joke in there, somewhere.
"You pulled a tiny petal off my world, just when I thought you were to add one but all around in the meadow, where I shall again dance and skip and sing till some fool girl should brush my wing."
Hoo boy. This emo shit is far more damaging to his reputation than anything involving computers.
And while I appreciate the effort in making an actual literary reference In This Day And Age, I gotta say that the headline of the New York Observer story is a bit off: "Julian Assange Is a Real Life Humbert Humbert"–if Lolita had been 19, the novel wouldn't have raised much of a fuss.
What's next, they'll say that his leaked info makes him just like the Rosenbergs?
Actually, I could Sarah Palin saying if she actually knew who they were.
I suppose a better (though even less accessible) headline could have compared him to Rowan Somerville, who was awarded the 2010 prize for bad sex in fiction:
To sum up, it would appear that secret documents aren't the only thing Assange has been leaking.
If anyone ever described sex with me like that, I'd go seppuku on my ass.
That is some seriously fucked up writing about fucking. And someone published it.
I gotchyer nocturnal animal right here, Baby.
I luv him. I can't help myself.
If twitter had been around in 2004, none of this crap would have happened.
Brush my wing
so that's what the kids are calling it today
"Hard above the neck"? What is she, Mortimer Snerd?
“Come along my little whispering pine for a ride on my buzz saw.”
WC Fields talking to Charlie McCarthy.
And no, I'm not that old.
Me neither – but you can just say you saw them all on the Muppet Show – that was in the 70's so you should be safe…
The 70s? Dude that is like, soooo old.
OK, fine – I kinda remember the 70s. And the Muppets ran into the early 80s. Just remember – next year the kids who are turning 21 and can drink legally were born in 1990. And get off my lawn!
1990? Fucking thanks for that. No one should be able to buy beer that was born when I was in 5th grade. I feel old now. Where's the vodka?
Sigh. 1990s were my college years, when everything was new age and modern, and I shall never speak of that again.
You guys, how can I go from 102 pees to 43 in the great purge, then climb one pee every two days and then jump from 54 pees to 101 in an hour? This feels like the War of the Pees, to me. Apparently pees mean nothing. Let's revolt, I say.
All we are saying is "Give pees a chance."
If sexually harassing 19 year-old Australian girls is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Why stop at Australians?
Why indeed?
Young student, the subject
Of nerdmanboy fantasy
He wants her so badly
Knows what he wants to be
Inside him there's longing
This guy's an open page
Book marking – he's so close now
This nerd is twice her age
Don't text, don't text so
Don't text so many to me
His friends are so jealous
You know how bad nerds get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the young girl's pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, he's waiting
His car is warm and dry
Don't text, don't text so
Don't text so many to me
Are you suggesting that Assange is the victim of a Sting operation?
Sting would be impressed, and I know I am.
The way he gets around, I'm guessing Assange has a bunch of prefab stalker letters that he can fill out Mad Libs style as the situation warrants.
I think it's kind of sweet he's being all poetic-y to get a girl. I mean now days don't guys just text "u want sum?"
"dim sum? yum! shld i brng wngs?"
wngs = wings or wangs?
"Uhhh…, I'm gonna go with "Yes," Bob. That's my final answer! 'Wings or wangs'"
honey barbecue wangs!
This just leaked: The oversized suit is making a comeback! Horray!
David Byrne will be delighted!
Too bad he never got fat, I would love him to fill out one of those things.
Peace in our time!
Wow, what a douche.
Worst Penthouse Forum letter ever.
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought something like this would happen to me, but I was quoting Somerset Maugham to this cute 19-year old Aussie chick when…..
Thank you for raising the point that troubled me the most: who the hell uses Somerset Maugham in a seduction?
So the computer nerd is socially retarded, big fucking news there, folks.
Are Wonkette folk someone more suave, I doubt it.
Well, at least according to the Swedish government, he's getting laid.
Can't speak for anyone else, but I, for one, am totally fucked up.
Maugham? Seriously? To a 19 year old girl?
It's a wonder the guy ever gets laid.
I know! "Your Maugham" jokes are soooo old.
Ed Norton will play him in the movie "I Gotta Take a Wikileak So Bad I Can Taste It"
Nabokov wept.
Does Jules know ya can buy bags of Lolitas at Walmart and they come in large, jumbo, and extra jumbo sizes?
No, you can only get the jumbo and extra jumbo (also, the family size extra jumbo) at Sams Club. Sure, you need a membership, but you can get those Lolitas by the pallet.
I'm not allowed to read other people's steamy e-mail anymore. Mr. Luxury finds it difficult to keep up if I read too many naughty things. So three cheers for Viagra, condoms and wine. Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!
Actually, Mr. Luxury does just fine without the aid of chemical, prosthetic devices and or liquor. Love ya, Andrew.
Mr. PsycWench also does fine without those things, but you know, if he shows up with the liquor and maybe the occasional device I think it's only polite to indulge him.
"soft, warm and yeilding"?
For God's sake, Julian, i before e except after c.
maybe they spell it that way in Australia. They are foreigners and so might not speak English well.
Its the Coriolis Effect.
Assange is not weird, not creepy.
Dude's got money.
People with monies are eccentric.
"Gawker paid her in pure, uncut Vegemite".
At the very least they supplied him with her passwords.
To make Assange feel not so bad, I shall present three paragraphs (of a seven paragraph) correspondence I produced for a dame I met on New Year's Eve last. I had been meaning to do something similar from the first I diffidently turned away, when I was well in, but it seemed weird. (& it's even weirder to cold-call a lady, via post, after Labor Day, when you met her in December. I know that.) After the summer I had, though, I thought: why the hell not? It's worth a try.
& N.B.: I have not persisted. It was a one-&-done deal. If she rejoined, I would have been ecstatic. That she didn't, I knew it was not meant to be.
Without further ado, then:
"As is, even for the above, the mention of the time-frame at which we met — nine months, or, I should specify, the New Year’s Eve — you doubtless have not a clue who I am. & perhaps, too, I am better for that. This improbable attempt at connection, quite likely doomed, would drift more easily from my biography, hardly haunting me, if our ships passing in the nite were to remain on first name basis & hardly recollected.
"Still, I press on. I met you, once, as I have said, & as the eve closed I should have approached, at least asked for a means to contact you (so as to make plans for a later reconnoitering), or possibly offered to join you, taking you home (with nought but the expectation of a mutual launch to 2010 & a cheek peck), but I did as I always do in such situations & second-guessed my interpretation of the “join us, as we leave, my sister, friends, & I” gesture.
…to make plans for a later reconnoitering
"Horse, why are you hiding in my hedgerow?"
"Oh! I seemed to have dropped my bustle somewhere around here. I'm not stalking you at all…"
Promise you'll never do that again.
"Of course, as well, I was kicking myself within fifteen minutes of your departure, as I walked to my own vehicle for the brief, but saddening, maddening, drive home, another flailing attempt at sustaining a social interaction. & for the next three months, in fits & starts, I tried to figure how possibly to redeem myself, pursue you in a manner hopefully befitting a mid-period John Cusack romantic comedy (& pointedly, not a hair-shirts & fava beans style), but each time, I balked. It seemed too weird".
You're a brave man, HD1. Posting this… I'm torn. Part of me wants to take the mickey out of you, but I stop because of your Wonkette bona fides. What should I do?
–B O'P
Fire away!
Well, sounds a little desperate (and as you mentioned, belated).
And it's really too much about you and your hesitancy; when the girl just wants to hear how smart and funny she struck you. You should just man up and try "hey I was thinking about how fun it was when we met that time, and maybe you'd give me a chance to get to know you a little better over coffee or a pizza sometime?" A girl can appreciate a direct offer of company and eats, and can a appreciate a guy who's brave enough to just come out and say it.
If you say, what the hell, this might be cool, she'll be more inclined to respond in kind. The way you did it she's more like OMG this dude I don't even remember has been mooning over me for like nine months!
And the John Cusack reference? Do not ever, ever do that again. Unless you're chasing a 19-year-old girl.
You're about two lines away from breaking into Nada Surf's Popular…
See, I am partial to the idea of hitting up a lady with "would you like to join me for a Faygo & slice of pizza, &, well, I'm just about to roll this next blount, but I ain't get paid 'til the first of next month, nor have I any weed, nor phillies nor papers, & I'm a rapist & repeat prison escapist", but I don't want to move too fast.
You overestimate the bona fides, my friend. You should take the mickey, the minnie and the rest of the stuffing out of the jackanape. Oh, and belatedly, your ASBO comment earlier was AAA prime!
You were kicking yourself while walking! Could even Julian have pulled that off? Way to get that e before i thing right, though.
Props for being David Foster Wallace-y. That merits a beej, at the very least.
If its DFW you're thinking of, I think an extension cord would make more sense.
Too soon?
Ooooh, WAY too soon. Big thumbs down. DFW was a saint! A SAINT!
No doubt a genius, but you know what has to happen to become a saint? I'm just sayin.
Sir, I am a woman, a romantic, and I was bored. God, such self-involvement. Can't you just buy me a rose and offer to change my cats' litterbox, or God forbid, fucking put new roll of toilet paper in?
He quoted Willie Maugh to a 19 year old Australian hottie in an attempt to get laid by the same?
Gesh.
Not even I'm THAT Crazy/Stupid.
Customer in Hairdressers: What's that book you're reading, love?
Rita: Somerset Maugham, "Of Human Bondage".
Customer: Ohh, my 'usband's got loads of books like that.
Is this a case of Needle and the Damage Done?
Cowgirl in the Sand
Acoustic solo version, from 4 Way Street
I'm still not sure, after all these years, what the lyrics mean.
But it's one of those songs that pulls me up short, every time.
[Although Needle is a great song, too.]
Love the acoustic version of Cowgirl. One of Neil's best songs.
fittingly, he looks a little like bill mayer.
Free at last! Free at last!
Great God Almighty, he's free at last!
I'd hate for my emails to potential dates to be made public when I was 19. But, this guy was 33!
33 and uses Linux, that is like 19, I'm surprised he did not send her a script that outputted red hearts and roses on the command line.
A creepy old guy with a little money and power trying to bone a barely legal woman? I'm shocked! I have never before heard of something so depraved happening.
Jerry Seinfeld is shocked, SHOCKED!
Ann Nicole Smith's husband is rolling over in his grave. She was not barely legal age-wise, but sobriety-wise, I believe.
Sobriety-wise, I think Anna fit into the rarely legal category.
"rarely legal"
Bwahahahaha
If Billy Joel were sober enough to think, he'd be shocked as well. (And that girl was his daughter's friend, for extra ick).
See what you miss when mash notes go through Twitter?
Reads just like Letter from Birmingham Jail.
Come on, MLK never had to beg for it!
He needs some pick-up tips from Hugh Hefner. There's a man who trades them in at 21, even though he's a walking heart attack.
I actually googled Hefner to make sure he hadn't died before I posted this.
Did you see any recent pictures of him when you did your googling? He looks dead to me.
His bank account isn't, though.
It's going to be an interesting obit.
Why didn't he just move to california and marry some gold digger like any self-respecting weird old man does nowadays?
Ehh, those women are too savvy. You have to tell them there you will be a billionare after the IPO.
Somehow, I don't think Wikileaks will be listed in the US.
Speaking of Sex Farces, Blake Edwards, director of "10," "SOB," and "Breakfast at Tiffany's," has died.
Sigh… "When Mrs. Kissel breaks wind, we beat the dog."
The man who gave us Julie Andrews tits.
Lol, couple timezones away, but on the same wavelength. It's your afternoon drivetime team of Grumpe and the Caveman.
BOOBIES!
Honk honk.
Julie Andrew's breasts haz a sad
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?
I too has a sad. "Push the button, Max!"
I know this is a humor site and all, but if I were ever to become famous (yeah, right) and some of the stuff I've written in desperation to women I totally struck out with (and they are legion) were to surface, it would be just as dorky.
"…just as dorky…"?
I dunno. Assange's material is pretty dorky, in a Woody Allen-ish kinda way.
I dunno, it's more like clips from Woody Allen's cutting room floor.
Today, we are all lucky we're not rich and famous, and therefore, our dorky love-notes aren't broadcast to a snickering, superior world, full of people who act as if they were never rejected and had a petal pulled from their life, just when they thought they were going to add a petal to their life.
I ran across some old love letters I wrote – downright embarrassing. Embarrassing love letter, meet shredder. No more worries.
Just don't bugger any Swedes sans-condom and your secrets will be safe forever…
i'll bet he's no stranger to "the committed solipsist." sees one in the mirror every time he looks.
whatever his intentions, he dropped a hyphen. the grammar police have been notified.
as for gawker publishing these e-mails without assange's permission, isn't that copyright infringement? seriously. and i would bet assange knows a thing or two about copyright infringement.
Quite possibly he's one of those men who proposition every women they meet.
I've really got to stop doing that, having half a dozen women in the mix is a reason to flee the area after a while, move West or North about 200 miles, methinks. It becomes habit though flirting with women, using the same lines that have worked before, exchanging information, doing a few random artsy or cultural things, fucking her and than finding reasons not to be together unless you are horny. Not a happy life.
You think? Brilliant observation, Watson.
That's how Boomhauer did it.
Wait, why is Powder in the news again? Snow pubes. Gross.
You filthy swine. Shifting the focus to Jullian's lame prose/poetry. Julian is a brave man. What he does with his pecker or for his pecker or to promote his pecker or satisfy his pecker is none of my business. I don't care whether he wears a condominium or not. He can even take one off in midstream, God love him. He's a hero. He's doing what Gramsci said we need to do: expose the ruling class. It's only a first step, but it's a big one.
All this does for me is to say, never put anything into writing ever.
When sharing the night with a small town girl, do not walk her home. Take the Midnight Train going anywhere.
From now on, all my love letters will read: "Let's go get a pizza."
I don't know who's weirder; Assange or "Elizabeth" who held onto these emails since 2004??? Seriously we're supposed to believe this? How many people have email from 2004?
Wait, you mean some people clean out their inboxes?
After reading his love/scorn manifesto, I figure she printed it out and put it in a safe deposit box in case anything "happened" to her. Julian puts the "ass" in Assange.
You have to keep an email this weird, so you have proof when you tell your friends the anecdote about the creeper that skeeved on you.
Uh, no you don't. Most people, having received something creepy, end up deleting it so they can forget about it. I find it extremely odd that a 19-year-old girl wouldn't delete this stuff like wanting to wash her hands after touching the yucky guy. I just don't buy it.
2004 is when I got Gmail, & I have only intermittently deleted anything (save for spam, which gets immediate junking) since.
My old man told me "You'll always pay for it one way or another, I prefer cash on the barrel-head"… Being 19 or 20 at the time, I thought it incredibly cynical but now I understand what he was on about, old guys today would do well to understand that didactic and forget all these creepy attempts at romance bullshit, cyber or otherwise…
When's the last time anyone actually seen a barrel of anything? And, if your over a girl's house and she has a barrel in her bedroom (probably as a nightstand), you've probably already made the mistake of your life.
You're right, today this should be 'electronic transfer on the smart-phone'…
Every sexually active adult, today, should have a sexy-time PayPal account.
So enough monkeys randomly banging on keyboards long enough produce Shakespeare… and monkeys randomly throwing darts at words in a thesaurus will eventually create that crap.
Why you guys gotta be so harsh? He's just a dweeb who watched too many Julian Sands movies. Is that a crime?
Brides who are not into colored wedding dresses at all and wish to plan a more delicate and soft look can always select something more elegant and classy from the dresses that we have posted on this page. visit http://www.prom4sale.com You should note that you will be able to find both dramatic full length wedding dresses and more casual, playful and perhaps vintage inspired tea length or knee length styles.
You pulled a tiny petal off my colored wedding dress, just when I thought you were to leave a cake out in the rain, where I shall again dance and skip and sing till some fool spammer should brush my wing with a casual, playful, and perhaps even vintage intrusion into the blog I was reading.
All the sweet green icing flowing down…
Wow 6.5 years old love letters.
This proves he is a perv!
Torture and Assassination should be personally carried out by President Huckabee/ Vice President Palin as per the Christian Law of American Secret Keepers.
This puts that whole global diplomacy conspiracy and criminal bank collusion stuff into an entirely different light…
Shorter Wonkette Title: Creepy asocial computer nerd is asocial.
Surprise? Wait, what?
Sounds to me like Assange needs to start up the leaks, again. Let's make them embarrassingly personal, this time. Anyone got any Condi leaks?
Kind of sweet, kind of mysterious. This love letter reminds me of one sent by my best friend in high school to a girl he was interested in. Except, of course, we'd tapped her phone.
What a sweet tale of youthful, high-tech puppy love (i.e. stalking).
I was the young sidekick (read lookout). I wasn't interested in girls yet, only the technical challenge of the tap and his brilliant circuit design solution.
Despite being a track star he wouldn't have have a chance with this girl. He used the tap to find out about her likes and dislikes and better compose targeted love poetry (i.e. stalking). It worked. Of all the crazy things we did with electronics, this was the craziest. Well, the artificial lightning was fairly nutty too.
He's a big time physicist now. Is it any wonder he won't answer my e-mails?
Ha! @ "targeted love poetry." I've got to remember that one.
Have you considered writing a screenplay? I'm thinking Michael Cera vehicle here…
The comments on this thread have been a blast.
Meanwhile, it's easy pickin's to rag on the love letter's of a nerd.
I think he's sweet. The literary allusions! That 19 year-old didn't know what she had.
Listen Julian, stop with the young babes. They will never get you. But something tells me you won't ever again have the same "dating" issues you've had in the past.
You know, folks, outside contemporary America, people don't get worked up about age differences. Take it for granted that you are all descended from a lot of people who got married when they were 9 and died when they were twenty-five. Surviving spouses married quickly and often someone much younger.
Serifs represent!
Convict Sans in da big hizzouse, yo!
And no one that was in fifth grade after I had turned 30 should be drinking vodka. Where's the Dulcolax?
Beer that was born when you were in 5th grade would be skunky by now anyway.
5th grade? Shit – I was in grad school in 1990. (Although technically I would not legally be allowed to buy liquor until the end of the year.)
You are my hero. Heroin. Heroine. Sniff..snuffle…
Now where are the other 17 people?
This made me feel old as I started high school in 1990, but thanks for making me feel better.
Me too! I feel better now. Of course at the time I felt as though I had been in grad school for about 30 years and had about another 50 to go.
Scooter libby's note to Judith miller punned to death.
I thought it had a great beat. And you can dance to it.
Not Petrus! Had their 30 years barrel aged line recently — tasted like communion wine — at a local gastropub type place. It was perfect.
Heaps, mates — everyone's kind words have gone a long way toward reassuring me that not going the Olivia Newton John route in my original comment was the right decision.
Why are you bringing such a huge bag of sads to my Wonkette? David was a colleague, neighbour and friend. I know this is the wrong venue to get all for-serious, but I come here to forget about the harsh realities of being an adult in America. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
Who has two thumbs and feels like a douchebag?
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