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Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown

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Everyone knows the drill.

The man allegedly began to make physically threatening gestures toward the officer, which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground.

“He began to threaten the officer physically,” Morse told The Hill. “The officer took a defensive posture to thwart that aggressive action, but then the subject’s behavior led the officer to believe that he may have a gun.”

At about 11:30 a.m. Senate staff received an emergency message from Capitol Police saying that “all members and staff should lock their office doors and stay in their office.”

So this time it wasn’t just a blinking Christmas ornament, it was a guy, but he had no weapons. Something exciting for everyone over there to tweet about, at least. [The Hill]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • YasserArraFeck

    I think the country would be better off if the denizens of the Capitol stayed in their locked offices for………the next two years?

    • BarryOPotter

      That is one sweeeeet Avatar'fro! Did you blow that shit out?

  • GuyClinch

    Jack, that's one hell of a good headline. You really ought to get paid for this stuff.

    • V572625694

      Is The Onion hiring?

    • http://doubting-timus.blogspot.com/ ulTIMum

      The big boys back home used to say the most dangerous weapon was the unloaded sort. "Lotta folks killed with unloaded weapons."' So if this gunman did not have a weapon that was not loaded, then he was a triple threat!

      • GuyClinch

        And imagine if the gunman with no unloaded gun had never even shown up on Capitol Hill — why, he would've been a quadruple threat!

        • DoktorZoom

          How stupid do they think we are? I refuse to buy into the "lone unarmed gunman" theory.

          • StillGoinGreen

            There just HAD to be at least one additional unarmed accomplice there, not threatening anybody at the Capital building.

          • bagofmice

            It's a shame the DC is so flat they can't even muster a grassy knoll. Or is it by design?

          • Negropolis

            The capitol is on a hill, and actual hill. Oh, and walk up to the National Cathedral and call it flat.

          • bagofmice

            I know. I lived there for a few months. However, I came here from the OTHER Capitol hill in the OTHER Washington. I was disappointed in the hillitude.

          • http://doubting-timus.blogspot.com/ ulTIMum

            Remember the guy busted for armed robbery who was told the police had two witnesses who saw him do it, and he countered, "Yeah, well, I have four guys who DIDN'T see me do it!"

          • Crank_Tango

            add to that the magic nonexistent bullet, and we are fucked, my friend.

            if there's grass on the knoll…

    • horsedreamer_1

      See, I was thinking an armless man with a gun implanted in his chest.

      • DoktorZoom

        Dr Richard Kimball will not rest until he finds him.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      I thought the Wonkette office was at the top of one of a 30 story building in downtown Washington DC?

      • HistoriCat

        Wonkette does not allow comments therefore Wonkette does not exist therefore there is no Wonkette office.

        • DoktorZoom

          And you can see Major Major as soon as he's no longer in.

  • MistaEko

    Look for guys like this to show up every 5 to 6 hours for the next 10 days and their ties to the republican party to be discovered in January.

  • MissTaken

    Is there anyone who works four blocks away that can report on this?

    • Extemporanus

      Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome unarmed gunman who began to make physically threatening gestures 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish you had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

      • MissTaken

        Years later and that comment still makes me giggle

    • SudsMcKenzie

      You have received my pee.

  • Barbara_i

    I wonder if he was just trying to impress Jodie Foster?

    • DoktorZoom

      More to the point, was he trying to impress some woman who ISN'T Jodie Foster?

  • SorosBot

    Well maybe the guy was the Hulk and could have taken down the entire building with his bare hands.

  • Boredw/Gravity

    Did this make John Boehner cry?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Its the new "good news for John McCain" isn't it.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Meh maybe.Also

  • deanbooth

    At least it wasn't an armless gunman.

    • Extemporanus

      I believe the preferred term is "foot soldier".

      • DoktorZoom

        By the time the Jackbooted Government Agents and the SEIU Thugs are finished with him, this patriot won't have a leg to stand on.

  • edgydrifter

    Morse continued: "Our officers are all trained to spot and neutralize 'looks that could kill.' You just can't take chances when you're defending our freedoms."

  • Progressiveinga

    Too bad EVERYONE wasn't unarmed. Oh, wait. What?

  • nounverb911

    I say lock them in (and lock the bathrooms) until they get some work done!

  • V572625694

    …which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground. “He began to threaten the officer physically…”

    Well of course he did! When the officer makes a terrible grammatical mistake like that, he's just asking for it. And then the cops had to go and make a bad grammatical situation worse:

    …an emergency message from Capitol Police saying that “all members and staff should lock their office doors and stay in their office.”

    • GuyClinch

      Maybe the officer wanted the suspect to place little feathers on the ground…?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Boy if they're going to wait until this guy passes an egg it's going to be a while.

  • JustPixelz

    I can think of more than a few Repubicans who "make threatening gestures" toward me with the laws they propose/pass. Can we get the guards to arrest those guys?

  • freakishlywrong

    “He began to threaten the officer physically,” Morse told The Hill. “The officer took a defensive posture to thwart that aggressive action, but then the subject’s behavior led the officer to believe that he may have a gun.”

    Does anyone else find that vaguely homoerotic?

    • GuyClinch

      "…the subject’s behavior led the officer to believe that he may have a gun.”

      According to the officer, the gun kept getting bigger and bigger.

      • DoktorZoom

        Oh, please. It's not like there were any Brazilian acrobats there.

  • hagajim

    Is this what is referred to as a cockblock lockdown? At least in Jim DeMint's case?

  • OkieDokieDog

    I can't wait for the lame stream media's report about this potentially horrendous (non)event on the evening news. Will it be the main story or is there a new Hollywood divorce that's more important? Tune in…

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Did he leave a flashing LED toy in a trashcan somewhere?

  • Pragmatist2

    Did the unarmed man say "Unhand me!!!!" when they arrested him?

  • chascates

    If someone in a hockey mask with a chainsaw came running in I assume the entire city would shut down.

    New tea party tactic.

  • DoktorZoom

    Happily, the charismatic Capitol Police officer had a disarming grin.

  • Radiotherapy

    Thank jeebus he wasn't trying to steal a trillion dollars from anybody.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Gosh you wonketeers are good tonight. I got nothin'. (I guess you could say I'm disarmed.) Y'all give me goosebumps runnin' up my leg. Extra pees for all.

    • Negropolis

      And a healthy addition to your pee-ness for good measure, kind sir and/or madame.

      • Radiotherapy

        We've all gotten a "p" present from ???? Ken, our intensedebate overlords, the Repubs, Sandy Claws??? — well except metamarcisf who has been whip-sawed back to negative 115. Go, metamarcisf, Go.

        • undeterredbyreality

          I'm beginnin' to suxpect them pees ain't what they're cracked up to be. You know that sometimes Satan come as a man of pees.

          • Negropolis

            Come on, now. Give pees a chance, won't you?

  • transfatz

    “The officer took a defensive posture to thwart that aggressive action"

    Officer cowers: …Safeword, safeword, must remember my safeword…

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I believe Green Balloons is the default safeword round these parts.