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Your Wonkette Guide To the War On Christmas

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Christ-killers and Menorah fetishists, ACLU fascists and Kwanzaa-celebrating racists, liberals and Nazis, gather ’round the Christmas fire! Normally at Christmastime, your reviewer would want to read aloud some classics of the season, but this year we must focus on what’s truly important and enduring: books by furious wingnuts that denounce the damnable War on Christmas. According to two incisive pieces of War on Christmas/Christians lit, you liberal hooligans are setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes left and right. But then again, even flying reindeer might be a liberal/Hitlerite plot. What?

If you want to understand the War on Christmas, it’s probably best to start with the book that (we think) first gave the world that winning phrase: John Gibson’s 2005 hippie bugle-blow The War on Christmas. With this book alone, it seems, former teevee/current radio chucklehead Gibson inaugurated the mainstream American right’s lone antiwar movement. Their program is something like “The ACLU won’t defend Nativity scenes in town squares, but they’d probably defend the right of some ‘artist’ to SMEAR DONKEY SHIT ON THE BABY JESUS!” As Gibson writes:

Often the first shots of the battle are fired in schools. Many schools have either already changed Christmas trees into friendship trees or giving trees or holiday trees, or are considering it. Almost everywhere a school district is limiting what Christmas carols kids can sing or hear, or a district is considering it…

…almost everywhere school administrators have either disinvited Santa or are giving him sidelong glances of suspicion, and in some schools…the colors red and green are forbidden.

Gibson never specifies which schools are banning red and green. In all the journalistic sleuth-work he does in this book, he never once encounters a school that’s exiled Santa or forces kids to call Christmas trees “friendship trees.” Most of the school stories revolve around teachers and administrators not emphasizing religion in school Christmas celebrations, and trying to maintain some level of awareness that not every student in the U.S. public school system celebrates Christmas.

The rest of the book is bland complaining: An ambitious bureaucrat in Eugene, Oregon insists on Christmas trees being taken out of the town’s government buildings (he isn’t successful); an elementary school teacher asks a student not to proselytize to her classmates; a Bible-quoting school Santa is asked to hold back on religious talk during school hours; Coca-Cola replaces its iconic Santa adverts with those vile adorable polar bears.

Who is responsible for this actual War on Christmas, this napalming of candlelight services and mass starvation of mall Santas? According to Gibson:

…it’s not just liberal Jews…my Jewish son helped me research this book because he agrees that the war on Christmas has gone too far. The large number of foot soldiers waging the war on Christmas is in fact made up mostly of liberal white Christians, some of whom have Jewish-sounding names (Cohen, Horoschak) that could lead readers to a dangerous and very unfair conclusion…The wagers of this war on Christmas are a cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-racked Christians—not just Jewish people.

Glad to have that cleared up, as it turns out this cabal is even more sinister than your reviewer originally thought. In her book The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! (actual title), Janet Folger makes the argument that, just as there are three Sundays in Advent, there are three kinds of Hitler:

1) People who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

2) People who are courteous to people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

3) Hitler.

Folger writes:

Hitler turned Christmas and Easter into pagan holidays. Christmas became a pagan festival, and at least for the SS troops, its date was changed to December 21, the date of the winter solstice. Carols and nativity plays were banned from schools in 1938, and the name of Christmas was changed to Yuletide.

The fact that this is 100% bullshit doesn’t keep our Janet from drawing parallels between the condition of Jews in the Third Reich and the much-warred-upon Christians of early 21st-century America. Of the dastardly anti-Christmas forces, Folger writes:

Their “solution” seems final.

Historically, after ridicule, demonization, censorship, and discrimination comes persecution. In Germany, the call came for a final solution. There are lots of ways to implement a final solution. Gas chambers are one. Lions are another.

So there you have it. American Christians will soon be marched off to die in concentration camps (or fed to lions) because, uh, members of a town council somewhere decided not to decorate their Christmas cookies with icing-pictures of the Virgin Mary, or something?

Anyway, very fascinating. Happy War on Christmas, damen und herren!

Oh wait, one more thing. Not only did Hitler never ban Christmas or any other Christian festival, but Germany’s churches (Protestant and Catholic) backed him and the whole Nazi death parade every step of the way. There were scattered rebel pastors and believers, like Dietrich Bonhoeffer (memorialized in a fine, sort-of Christmas poem, incidentally), but for the most part Germans viewed the Nazis as good Christian folk. Wait, does this mean the baby Jesus was secretly a Nazi? So confusing, history…

The War on Christmas by John Gibson, Sentinel, 224 pages, $1.30

The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! by Janet Folger, Multnomah Books, 288 pages, $13.59

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      1. HistoriCat

        According to some of the outdoor displays around here, it's about celebrating the birth of a child by showing his family the torture implement upon which he will be killed in a few decades.

  1. DeeJayKitteh

    I hate it when liberals attribute pagan rituals coopted by Christendom to help convert the heathens to the pagans. It's exactly what the Muslin terrorists wanted to happen.

  2. SorosBot

    "secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-racked Christians"

    Oh cool, I meat three out of four of his criteria! Time to go blow up a Christmas tree!

    It's strange that a devout Catholic like Hitler would try and bring Christmas back to its pagan roots. And of course the religion practiced by 75% of the population which completely dominates America's religious culture and tries to oppress other religions sure has to worry about persecution, right.

    1. bfstevie

      I'm a secularist, so-called humanist, trial lawyer, cultural relativist liberal, guilt-racked homosexual Jew. (the "guilt-racked is redundant) How dare they leave out the jew homosexuals? We're pretty much responsible for all bad things.

    2. mumbly_joe

      I have a confuse, because he just got finished saying that it's not just/mostly the j00z, but I know for a fact that at least three of thoses things he listed are right-winger euphemisms for "the j00z". I'm surprised he didn't throw in "Hollywood and/or New York liberuls" and "the liberal media", to hammer the point home even harder.

    3. FlipOffResearch

      They are worried about persecution, because they want to make sure to do it right.

      Also, ever notice how Beck always tries to portray Hitler as a secular humanist?

  3. ManchuCandidate

    It's a good thing that people who "read" Gibson's "books" aren't going to dissect the Gordian knot of that paragraph involving "Jewish son and bitching about birf of Jeebus Cristatos."

    BTW, for such a whailing whining pissant dumbshit nailed on the cross ferret look alike martyr that is John Gibsisn, one would think that Gibby would prefer to make him a super Xtian instead of a member of the tribe.

  4. WarAndGee

    Let me see if I understand the right-wing ignorati, they're saying there isn't enough war on Islam and there is too much war on Christmas.

    Ok, Ok, just tell me whose death I should pray for because i don't have time to read all those pages in these book thingies.

    1. genxr

      Sorry but I'm going to have to disinvite you from hanging around the elementary school and having children sit on your lap. There have been… uh… complaints.

  5. MadBrahms

    Note phrasing: Not *just* jews. *Just*. So yeah, go ahead, burn down those synagogues, but don't forget to hit the local "social justice" churches on the way home.

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      and by "'social justice' churches" we mean all episcopal churches, the catholic ones that haven't refused mass to John Kerry, and the protestant ones that don't contain the words "Christian," "Bible," "Jesus," "Baptist," "Latter Day," "Pentacostal," or "Evangelical".

      1. Moonbat

        Not to mention rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

        Or do those just go without saying?

  6. HurricaneAli

    I think "setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes" is a bit of a stretch; in between gorging on rum balls and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for the eleventyith time on YouTube, stealing a plastic baby Jesus out of the manger and hanging it on their pagan air-blown, inflatable Santa lawn piece is about all your normal Liberal Hooligan/Dumb 12-year-old Heathen can manage during this time of year.

    1. gef05

      My buddies inflatable Santa broke all but one of his moorings and tried to escape in strong winds last week. Driving down the road towards his house all you could see was Santa bouncing up and down about ten feet up in the air, straining to be rid of his pagan bonds.

      I suggested we camo-up and shoot that fat little bastard right there, but the kids were watching, and they're just a bunch of birthers in the making.

  7. hagajim

    Sounds like all I have to do is make up a bunch of shit about Christmas and Christmas haters, put it in a book and viola' – I am a genuine author who is exposing the War on Christmas! Sounds pretty straightforward.

  8. donner_froh

    The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal!

    a better title:

    The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before Your Brain Is Consumed by Muslin Zombies.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Those Zombies are going to stay pretty hungry if they're eating the brains of John Gibson's audience.

  9. StillGoinGreen

    Why trial lawyers? What did trial lawyers ever do to the baby Jesus? Maybe if one of those fucking groupie apostles had been a good trial lawyer, Jesus could've gotten off on a plea bargain – oh yeah, it was meant to be that he died for our sins, so his Daddy wouldn't have to work anymore. I fucking hate fundamentalists and sanctimoniously religious people.

    1. DeeJayKitteh

      You're not familiar with the Book of Shyster? It clearly states that "thou shalt not bring tort actions against giant multinational corporations." It's right after the section stating that life begins at conception and right before the one saying watching hot women make out is okay, but gay men are icky.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        I had a girlfriend once that refused to swallow because she said it was like eating "thousands of little babies". I then asked her if she minded doing it doggie style, so when I pulled out and shot her on the back, she could give my little darlings a horsey ride. She was NOT amused.

        1. DeeJayKitteh

          Oh, right — I forgot that life begins before conception.

          But I see her point. It's way more humane to spit thousands of little babies into a wad of kleenex instead of eating them.

          1. StillGoinGreen

            Considering the fact that I was trying TO have sex with her, I didn't remind her of all the ways we were killing the little people in my trousers!

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          LOL on the horsey ride bit; that's genius. So, let me see if I got this right: it's not OK to swallow "thousands of little babies" but it is OK to spit them out into the sink/toilet?

          I think we're going to need a Papal Edict on this.

        3. GOPCrusher

          Heathen! There is only one way to engage in the sexual act. The Missionary Position as Jeebus proclaimed to the world during his Sermon On The Mounting. Between a man and a woman that have been properly married.
          Oral gratification? Next thing, someone will bring up the godless act of sodomy.

  10. slappypaddy

    those poor christians, such a persecuted minority in the united states. one wonders what will ever become of them. maybe they can be allowed to sit anywhere they want on a bus, and they can attend the same schools everyone else attends. this nation is big and brave enough to allow that.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Maybe one day they'll be able to sit at the lunch counter of their local Walgreens and order a soda like the rest of us.

    2. SorosBot

      The persecution of Christians started when the Government told them that they could no longer refuse to sell their houses to Jews, or let them join their country clubs (the persecution of whites started then too), then the Supreme Court told the public schools they couldn't force children to pray to Jesus, and the persecution has just gotten worse and worse ever since.

        1. SorosBot

          That's part of the persecution of whites, though, not Christians, although the persecuted part of the two groups mostly overlaps.

          1. DoktorZoom

            Well, he IS a Muslin atheist follower of liberation theologist Rev. Wright, so his very existence is also persecution of the conventionally-faithful.

  11. genxr

    Look, some of these mall Santas deserve suspicious looks.

    Does he ever explain what a "cultural relativist" is? I has a confused.

    1. V572625694

      Cultural relativism is incest.

      No wait, it's when you argue that, because the terrorists behead people, it's all right for us to torture them.

      Or maybe it's when you argue that the Inquisition was just a religious festival, with lots and lots of bonfires.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I've often wondered who these "cultural relativists" are. Especially, the ones that have declared war on Xmas, because I've yet to see anyone turn down the day off from work on Dec. 25th.

  12. NewtsChicknNeck

    fortunately, we can all still go to strip joints and subscribe to porn sites that prominently feature x-mas themes. no, for real.

  13. Weenus299

    I want everyone to know that I've taken the high ground, and will begin shelling Christmas round-the-clock until the infantry is properly massed for an exterminating attack. Lancers and fusiliers will follow up and gore any survivor.
    Great Satan.

  14. SexySmurf

    People who are courteous to people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

    If you see some Limey celebrating Boxing Day kick him in the bullocks. For Jesus.

    1. V572625694

      Or an Italian exchaning presents on the Epiphany (6 Jan) or Santa Lucia (13 Dec). Stinkin Eye-tralians don't know a damn thing about the real meaning of Holiday Gifting Season.

  15. genxr

    Hitler was better than his word. He did all that and infinitely more. And so, as Tiny Tim Fienstein observed, "God bless Us, Every One! And get me out of here!!!"

  16. slithytoves

    in some schools…the colors red and green are forbidden.

    I must say that I am absolutely perplexed as to how one would go about doing that. How would you teach kids about traffic signals? Forget biology lab, there's all kinds of red and green in there. Cafeteria? No more salad or ketchup – our number one vegetable.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        That'd be awesome, were it true. Their sports mascot could be the Mighty Fighting Reindeer. Every touchdown allowed would be a "gift." Every end-of-the-season game would be a snow bowl.

    1. slithytoves

      Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.
      – G.K. Chesterton

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    When John Gibson revealed the war on Christmas,
    I went up there, I said, "Gib, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
    wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
    guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
    KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
    he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
    yelling, "KILL, KILL." And Bill O'Reilly came over, pinned a medal on me,
    sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

  18. Atomic26

    I've been recently talking to my six year old about how Jeebus is just one in a long line of solar super-beings to get reborn in the middle of winter around the solstice. This makes me super popular with his Catholic grandparents. Not that we don't celebrate Christmas and even call it Christmas, but then again we also celebrate Chanukah and the actual solstice. Because really holidays are awesome so why not have as many as you can.

      1. Atomic26

        Actually the airing of grievances is usually something my wife and her sister do after too many drinks on Christmas day. Then they don't talk for 5-6 months. By late summer they might be getting along face to face and bitching about the other in private. Thanksgiving goes well. Then it's time for Christmas again and the airing of grievances.

        Thankfully I come from a family of silent grudge holders who smile and act nice even when we hate each other. It's much less dramatic.

  19. JoshuaNorton

    the colors red and green are forbidden.

    Red and green are uber-pagan soltice symbols. Why on earth would a true "christian" want to defend that?

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Not to mention that Red is the color of Communism, and Green is the color of the Muslims! When will we take Christmas back from the Commies and the Arabs! Hell, next thing you know, Mexicans will be celebrating the birth of our lord and savior!

      1. SorosBot

        Green is also the color of the environmental movement, which Rush and Glenn told me is the EXACT SAME THING as communism! And communism is the same as Nazism, so anyone wearing red and green must be a commienazi!!

    2. mrpuma2u

      So is the tree, so is the yule log, the miseltoe, ad infitume et nauseaum. Again, the puritans (the pilgrims, founders of our jeebus loving nation) did not celebrate Yule or xmas as they were aware of it's thin veneer of jeebusness on a pagan solstice ritual.
      They (the pilgrims) also burned people for being witches, which I am sure will happen under xtian Leviticus sharia law if Palin or someone she controls wins the white house.

      1. Bugeyes

        I thought the Puritans didn't celebrate Xmas because a bunch of drunken Irish show up and crash the party. In fact, didn't the Puritans come to America to get away from the drunken Irish?

  20. OkieDokieDog

    Xtians are such insane drama queens.

    I don't give a damn if they believe in all that bible crap. I do give a damn when they try to force me into living with it, due to their insistence on not understanding the concept of separation of church and state.

    Freedom FROM religion – it's so totally American.

  21. bureaucrap

    Baby Jeezus is Angry.
    Baby Jeezus is a Jealous and Vengeful God.
    Baby Jeezus says, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!".

  22. metamarcisf

    It's those goddam reindeer traps that are the problem. There's not enough of 'em 'cause I just went to Wal-Mart and asked the teabag greeters where they at and they turned me over to big sis. And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

  23. weejee

    So John Gibson & Janet Folger are warning us to keep our Janet Napolitano Dorito bag cameras at the ready in the advent the spectacular hedonist terrorists secular humanists try to hijack our High Times rollie pollie daze high holiday by making us wear Muslin magic Depends. If if that happens, Jebus will magically become a Messican and be deported on the next train, plane, or bus to Juarez. Have I got it right?

  24. LionelHutzEsq

    After reading this article, I am feeling conflicted about my Hitler Dressed as Santa Claus out in my front yard.

      1. GOPCrusher

        First off, somebody should have just gone over and knocked that snowman over. Second off, if everyone in the neighborhood knows about them, why hasn't their house been destroyed in a suspicious fire?

  25. LionelHutzEsq

    I do like that John Gibson drew the distinction between blaming the Jews and blaming the people with Jewish sounding names. Personally, I just blame anyone who is circumcised.

    1. SorosBot

      He also blames trial lawyers; I'm surprised he doesn't also blame bankers and the people who control Hollywood.

  26. johnnyzhivago

    Did you know that Hitler also changed the name of Germany to Deutchland???? I guess English wasn't good enough for der fuhrer!

    Be careful of the atheist, facist haters out there!!!!

  27. BorderJumper!

    Why is it that I have a hard time believing that 70%+ of the US population is, all of the sudden, a repressed minority?

  28. V572625694

    I'm curious about the exact circumstances through which Gibson's boy became a Jew. Did he detest his father's feral and preposterous brand of Christianity so much that he converted? Could it have been something similar to the way Phllyllis Schllaflly's boy, with his mother as an example of womanhood, chose to go gay, because who wouldn't?

  29. Lascauxcaveman

    Almost everywhere a school district is limiting what Christmas carols kids can sing or hear,

    Funny, at our local public highschool annual Christmas Program (that's what they called it) we we heard versions of "Silent Night," Hark the Heralds" and a jazzed-up version of "Joy To the World," and probably a few others which mention angels, and Mary and the li'l dude Jesus by name. Even the Jewish girls in my daughter's symphonic choir were belting them out.

    And the reason I know the local Jewry so well is because they all send their kids to the same Catholic gradeschool my kids went to.

    Can you believe our tax dollars are funding such blatant state-instituted religious displays?

    (All kidding aside, it was a great show. This is a school of less than 900 kids and for the finale, with all the choirs and orchestras performing together, there were about 200 onstage.)

    1. finallyhappy

      at our public school- we had Hark the Herald Angels Sing among other songs- I mention this one because my daughter(she is Jewish- and so am I) said it had good parts for the viola(her instrument). And we also had lots of other religious songs- right here in radical socialist Montgomery County, Md.

  30. mumbly_joe

    Coca-Cola replaces its iconic Santa adverts with those vile adorable polar bears.

    Actually, this one's interesting, because, funny story: they're "iconic", in the sense that our modern pop-cultural image of Santa is barely a century old, and owes itself almost entirely to Coca-Cola's ubiquitous adverts in the '30. Santa is practically a Coca-Cola trademark, making the notion that they dropped these adverts because they're ducking to EBIL SECULARISTS, instead of, say, the fact that Coca-Cola discovered CG animation, and then instantly thereafter discovered the Uncanny Valley, kinda idiotic.

    1. SorosBot

      I just like how they seem to think Santa is a Christian symbol; remember the days when fundies would decry the secularization of Xmas, in particular by having a lot more images of Santa than baby Jesus?

    2. Bugeyes

      And Coca-Cola has turned its back on world peace and other fluffy Christian ideas. When was the last time you heard the I'd like teach the world to sing in perfect harmony commercial? Huh?

      1. DoktorZoom

        Don't drink that Coke, put it on ebay and breathlessly claim that this is the last chance to buy these Sanctified Santa cans before they're banned by the Jews. (why should Christians have a monopoly on profiting from their own paranoia?)

  31. Ducksworthy

    I for one recommend feeding these nutjobs to lions and when the lions have defecated out their remains (hair, bones, fillings etc.) those remains should be sent to the gas chamber, just to make sure.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    I read an interesting book a while back about the mentality that pervaded Germany before WWII (yeah, Godwin's Law violation, but the direction is the same) and it pointed out that a manufactured seige mentality was a driving force to get the people to favor German expansionism. Hitler's government was constantly yelling that they were surrounded by enemies to the point where attacking other nations on the flimsiest pretext was considered justifiable. While the geographical approach doesn't apply (except for Iraq, which was clearly about to invade the US in 2003), the cultural seige mentality is in full swing.

    1. Ducksworthy

      We don't need to invoke Hitler anymore. There are much more recent examples. I think it was Chris Hedges who, just after 9/11, said "We're all Serbs now." Serbenica comes to easily to mind to snark.

    2. GeneralLerong

      John W. Dean recently cooked up a good one:

      "It is my view that approximately twenty-five percent of the voting population is insane. I do not exaggerate when I say that…this insane element of our population would, without hesitation, vote for Adolph Hitler."

      No, I haven't read Broken Government yet. But I'm already contemplating an escape to France…Canada…Costa Rica…even Great Britain would be preferable.

  33. Bugeyes

    What the Christmas warriors don't understand is, if you want someone to wish you a merry Christmas, then the wishee must bring the wishor some figgy pudding. It is a contract. Now, tell me, how many Christmas shoppers carry around a batch of figgy pudding?

  34. Ducksworthy

    Oh great Gawd almighty have mercy on us pitiful sinners. Hear our prayer. And if you can't find it in your divine heart to afflict these assholes with the pigaids and kill them during this Holy Season, please Gawd, rapture them the hell out of here so the rest of us can drink and debauch in peace. In Jeebus Name. Amen

  35. bitchincamaro2

    My mom reminds me of all the little Jehovah's pupils in her public school kindergarten classes that she was required to exclude from religious or secular holiday celebrations. So, Jesus lovers not only make Baby Jesus cry, they make their own little ones angry and bitter, too.

  36. Midway117

    So pretty much any actual work stops after December 5, any retail establishment lives or dies by fourth-quarter profits, and I have no choice but to not work on December 25 because Christians are a persecuted minority. I wanna be a persecuted minority!!

  37. MozakiBlocks

    It's funny how the right wing in this country NEVER gets upset about the poors losing their homes, or folks having their unemployment benefits cut off, or the fact that the food pantries in this country are running very low on supplies right now.

    To me that's the real "War on Christmas" or actually the "War on What Jeebus Actually Preached and Stood For".

    John Gibson and his ilk can stick a Christmas tree right up their bunghole. Fucking hypocrits!

  38. bitchincamaro2

    He's got a valid point, especially with the genocide of Iraqi and Afghan Xtians being waged by the other team; but "most" persecuted? I'm not buying it.

    1. SorosBot

      Yeah, but the man his mom cuckolded who raised him was also a Jew; I don't think the religion of the biological father he never even met really matters.

      1. ttommyunger

        Spoken like a true cynic… Whenever fatherhood got to be a little too much for me, I remembered poor Joseph. Jesus had to bear a cross for a few hours, poor Joseph had to bear his for 33 years during a time and in an social and religious environment that was considerably less liberal than ours. Mary had some 'splainen to do too, of course.

        1. HistoriCat

          I'm assuming that Mary was a real hottie. Why else would Joseph agree to marry her even though she was carrying someone else's child?

          1. ttommyunger

            Frankly, in my opinion, Middle Eastern women are the hottest women on the planet, surpassing even the Brazilians. Too bad they age badly. Al Jazeera English features a newsreader from Dubai News occasionally that is out of this fucking world.

          2. vulpes82

            Being a heathen, I don't know my Bible terribly well, but I think it was a command from God. So, basically, a shotgun (or smitegun) wedding.

        2. SorosBot

          It was a lot easier for cheating wives back in the day when people thought gods were walking the earth and impregnating mortals left and right. "No, honey, I'm a virgin and an angel appeared to me and said it was Yahweh's son." "Oh, I thought I fucking you but it was actually Zeus in disguise." "It was Zeus [he really got around] in the form of – uh, a bunch of coins. Yeah, let's go with the coins." It could sometimes work for the men, "But baby, the mother of little Aeneas here was actually Aphrodite, you know I'd never cheat on you with anyone but the goddess of beauty and sex."

          Too bad for the queen who fucked the sacred bull and birthed the Minotaur, though, because her bull-fucking ways were obvious.

          1. ttommyunger

            My favorite Biblical sex farce is where King David thinks he can spirit a local married hottie out of her hovel within view of the Royal Palace, pork her brains out and return her to her home without the whole fucking town of Jerusalem being abuzz over it. Naturally, her hubby, Uriah got wind of it and refused to sleep at home when called back in town from the front lines on R&R, so his bull-headedness resulted in him carrying his own death warrant to his commander back on the front lines. Who paid the price? The innocent loyal soldier husband and the innocent bastard infant. Nothing like a happy ending.

      2. DoktorZoom

        Plus, whenever Joseph tried to send him to his room, emo Jesus would say, "You're not my REAL dad!" (Mark Brazil)

      1. ttommyunger

        Actually, one of the Gospels tracks his lineage through Mary and another through Joseph. The latter is odd to me, since Joseph has no alleged genetic contribution to Jesus.

  39. Asa_Hawks

    Because if there's anything that Jesus wants his birthday associated with, it's fear, paranoia and blinding hatred of the Other.

    1. Rotundo_

      December 25th is just as likely as August 3 as the actual date Christ was born, assuming he was born at all. All of this froofraw over a supposed birthday and as it has been stated, it was just a way of changing the subject from Mother Earth to Juh-Heeeeez-uhhhhhsssss.

  40. Extemporanus

    I wonder whether Christianist wingnuts would exhibit quite the same level of obsession with jolly ol' Saint Nick were he not an overweight, diabetic, gay Grizzly Adams cosplayer who spends an inordinate amount of time around children, livestock, and tights-wearing, toy-wielding midgets.

  41. FlyOverGirl

    Why do these fuckheads want Christianity taught in public schools? Remind me if there's one interpretation of the Bible that they all agree on?

  42. MiniMencken

    I just don't have time for the War on Christmas as I am so busy looking for sacrificial offerings for my pantheon of real gods, Huitzilopochtli, Huixtocihuatl, Ilamatecuhtli, Itztlacoliuhqui-Ixquimilli, Itzli, Itzpapalotl – tzitzimime, Ixtlilton, Macuilcozcacuauhtli, Macuilcuetzpalin, Macuilmalinalli, Macuiltochtli, Macuilxochitl, Malinalxochitl, Matlalceuitl, Mayahuel, Metztli, Mextli, Mictecacihuatl, Mictlantecuhtli, Mixcoatl and Nanahuatzin. But, why won't Obama let us build a pyramid to the Sun God on the Mall? Answer me that, Gibson and Folger, you crybabies!

      1. MiniMencken

        You're right! I'm just such a stressed-out, hot mess this time of year. I mean, war on Christmas is one thing, but if you are an observant Aztec, just pull out that obsidian-bladed knife, rip out one pissant little human heart to offer up to Huitzilopochtli and the cops are all over you like white on rice!

  43. bflrtsplk

    I'm a little confused by this B.C. thing. Was there somebody before you know who that kept track of the years, knowing you know who would be born on 12/25 in the year one? Why isn't Christmas Day then also New Year's Day? What if the Virgin Mary, for obvious reasons, had an abortion? Would that mean the guy – assuming it was a male – would be out of a job? Could he collect unemployment because of the, you know, unforeseen circumstances?

    1. bflrtsplk

      C'mon man. He was born in a hotel room – er manger – in Hawaii, where he moved because he wanted to be a U.S. citizen and fight for the good guys in the war on Christmas.

  44. FlipOffResearch

    I think it was Jesus that said, “There’s a fool born every minute”. If so, these two authors are doing the lords work.

  45. lochnessmonster

    The only book to read at Christmas is Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. The only way I can get into the reason for the season.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I prefer being frank with children… "I know a lot of people who would kill for that little waistline of yours."

  46. ChessieNefercat

    I have a question. Shouldn't Christianists (faux Christians) be happy if stores and retail establishments ban mention or display of Christmas?

    Shouldn't they be happy if the sacred and holy celebration of the birth of the Savior is not associated with a greedy, commercialized homage to plastic crap and ugly sweaters?

    Just trying to make sense of it all.

  47. Rotundo_

    So the pee has been restored? So near Christmas? IT"S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! We Got PEE for Christmas!!!11!1!!!!!!

  48. matunos

    Here's something that's fascinating: each of the book images in the article is accompanied by a 1x1pixel image whose source is the actual HTML from Amazon's page for that book, along with wonkette's associate's referral tag. This means that, not only will Amazon think you viewed the book on their site (thus adding it to your viewing history and affecting the books it recommends to you), but if you buy anything from amazon shortly thereafter, including these books, wonkette gets a referral bonus from it; whether or not you actually clicked on any links from here to visit Amazon.

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