WONKETTE WORLD O' BOOKS  11:56 am December 16, 2010

Your Wonkette Guide To the War On Christmas

by Greer Mansfield

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Christ-killers and Menorah fetishists, ACLU fascists and Kwanzaa-celebrating racists, liberals and Nazis, gather ’round the Christmas fire! Normally at Christmastime, your reviewer would want to read aloud some classics of the season, but this year we must focus on what’s truly important and enduring: books by furious wingnuts that denounce the damnable War on Christmas. According to two incisive pieces of War on Christmas/Christians lit, you liberal hooligans are setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes left and right. But then again, even flying reindeer might be a liberal/Hitlerite plot. What?

If you want to understand the War on Christmas, it’s probably best to start with the book that (we think) first gave the world that winning phrase: John Gibson’s 2005 hippie bugle-blow The War on Christmas. With this book alone, it seems, former teevee/current radio chucklehead Gibson inaugurated the mainstream American right’s lone antiwar movement. Their program is something like “The ACLU won’t defend Nativity scenes in town squares, but they’d probably defend the right of some ‘artist’ to SMEAR DONKEY SHIT ON THE BABY JESUS!” As Gibson writes:

Often the first shots of the battle are fired in schools. Many schools have either already changed Christmas trees into friendship trees or giving trees or holiday trees, or are considering it. Almost everywhere a school district is limiting what Christmas carols kids can sing or hear, or a district is considering it…

…almost everywhere school administrators have either disinvited Santa or are giving him sidelong glances of suspicion, and in some schools…the colors red and green are forbidden.

Gibson never specifies which schools are banning red and green. In all the journalistic sleuth-work he does in this book, he never once encounters a school that’s exiled Santa or forces kids to call Christmas trees “friendship trees.” Most of the school stories revolve around teachers and administrators not emphasizing religion in school Christmas celebrations, and trying to maintain some level of awareness that not every student in the U.S. public school system celebrates Christmas.

The rest of the book is bland complaining: An ambitious bureaucrat in Eugene, Oregon insists on Christmas trees being taken out of the town’s government buildings (he isn’t successful); an elementary school teacher asks a student not to proselytize to her classmates; a Bible-quoting school Santa is asked to hold back on religious talk during school hours; Coca-Cola replaces its iconic Santa adverts with those vile adorable polar bears.

Who is responsible for this actual War on Christmas, this napalming of candlelight services and mass starvation of mall Santas? According to Gibson:

…it’s not just liberal Jews…my Jewish son helped me research this book because he agrees that the war on Christmas has gone too far. The large number of foot soldiers waging the war on Christmas is in fact made up mostly of liberal white Christians, some of whom have Jewish-sounding names (Cohen, Horoschak) that could lead readers to a dangerous and very unfair conclusion…The wagers of this war on Christmas are a cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-racked Christians—not just Jewish people.

Glad to have that cleared up, as it turns out this cabal is even more sinister than your reviewer originally thought. In her book The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! (actual title), Janet Folger makes the argument that, just as there are three Sundays in Advent, there are three kinds of Hitler:

1) People who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

2) People who are courteous to people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

3) Hitler.

Folger writes:

Hitler turned Christmas and Easter into pagan holidays. Christmas became a pagan festival, and at least for the SS troops, its date was changed to December 21, the date of the winter solstice. Carols and nativity plays were banned from schools in 1938, and the name of Christmas was changed to Yuletide.

The fact that this is 100% bullshit doesn’t keep our Janet from drawing parallels between the condition of Jews in the Third Reich and the much-warred-upon Christians of early 21st-century America. Of the dastardly anti-Christmas forces, Folger writes:

Their “solution” seems final.

Historically, after ridicule, demonization, censorship, and discrimination comes persecution. In Germany, the call came for a final solution. There are lots of ways to implement a final solution. Gas chambers are one. Lions are another.

So there you have it. American Christians will soon be marched off to die in concentration camps (or fed to lions) because, uh, members of a town council somewhere decided not to decorate their Christmas cookies with icing-pictures of the Virgin Mary, or something?

Anyway, very fascinating. Happy War on Christmas, damen und herren!

Oh wait, one more thing. Not only did Hitler never ban Christmas or any other Christian festival, but Germany’s churches (Protestant and Catholic) backed him and the whole Nazi death parade every step of the way. There were scattered rebel pastors and believers, like Dietrich Bonhoeffer (memorialized in a fine, sort-of Christmas poem, incidentally), but for the most part Germans viewed the Nazis as good Christian folk. Wait, does this mean the baby Jesus was secretly a Nazi? So confusing, history…

The War on Christmas by John Gibson, Sentinel, 224 pages, $1.30

The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal! by Janet Folger, Multnomah Books, 288 pages, $13.59

 
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{ 190 comments }

Plowmon December 16, 2010 at 12:00 pm

Let's just drop a $764,000 smart bomb on Christmas's wedding party…

Buzz Feedback December 16, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Linus van Pelt and his spotlight would kill John Gibson in a cage match.

snoopyfan2010 December 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Doesn't anyone know what Christmas is really about??? Good grief!

HistoriCat December 16, 2010 at 1:26 pm

According to some of the outdoor displays around here, it's about celebrating the birth of a child by showing his family the torture implement upon which he will be killed in a few decades.

DeeJayKitteh December 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I hate it when liberals attribute pagan rituals coopted by Christendom to help convert the heathens to the pagans. It's exactly what the Muslin terrorists wanted to happen.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Look when Christians stole the Solstice, they specifically said "no backsies"

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm

"secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-racked Christians"

Oh cool, I meat three out of four of his criteria! Time to go blow up a Christmas tree!

It's strange that a devout Catholic like Hitler would try and bring Christmas back to its pagan roots. And of course the religion practiced by 75% of the population which completely dominates America's religious culture and tries to oppress other religions sure has to worry about persecution, right.

bfstevie December 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

I'm a secularist, so-called humanist, trial lawyer, cultural relativist liberal, guilt-racked homosexual Jew. (the "guilt-racked is redundant) How dare they leave out the jew homosexuals? We're pretty much responsible for all bad things.

mumbly_joe December 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I have a confuse, because he just got finished saying that it's not just/mostly the j00z, but I know for a fact that at least three of thoses things he listed are right-winger euphemisms for "the j00z". I'm surprised he didn't throw in "Hollywood and/or New York liberuls" and "the liberal media", to hammer the point home even harder.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:53 pm

It's not just the Jews. It's also New York trial lawyers who eat bagels.

FlipOffResearch December 16, 2010 at 5:13 pm

They are worried about persecution, because they want to make sure to do it right.

Also, ever notice how Beck always tries to portray Hitler as a secular humanist?

ManchuCandidate December 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

It's a good thing that people who "read" Gibson's "books" aren't going to dissect the Gordian knot of that paragraph involving "Jewish son and bitching about birf of Jeebus Cristatos."

BTW, for such a whailing whining pissant dumbshit nailed on the cross ferret look alike martyr that is John Gibsisn, one would think that Gibby would prefer to make him a super Xtian instead of a member of the tribe.

MarionNYNY December 16, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I wonder if the son has been perfected.

WarAndGee December 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Let me see if I understand the right-wing ignorati, they're saying there isn't enough war on Islam and there is too much war on Christmas.

Ok, Ok, just tell me whose death I should pray for because i don't have time to read all those pages in these book thingies.

donner_froh December 16, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Giving Santa sidelong glances…

John Gibson cruising for chubbies.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Sorry but I'm going to have to disinvite you from hanging around the elementary school and having children sit on your lap. There have been… uh… complaints.

MadBrahms December 16, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Note phrasing: Not *just* jews. *Just*. So yeah, go ahead, burn down those synagogues, but don't forget to hit the local "social justice" churches on the way home.

NewtsChicknNeck December 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

and by "'social justice' churches" we mean all episcopal churches, the catholic ones that haven't refused mass to John Kerry, and the protestant ones that don't contain the words "Christian," "Bible," "Jesus," "Baptist," "Latter Day," "Pentacostal," or "Evangelical".

V572625694 December 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm

The Unitarians are fucken askin for it.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm

As long as he qualifies it by saying it's not *only* the Jews. It's also the gypsies.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:12 pm

And the gays and the communists.

vulpes82 December 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Don't forget the damnable Slavs!

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Not to mention the tramps and thieves.

Moonbat December 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Not to mention rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Or do those just go without saying?

Graham Cracker December 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm

…and the Klingons, too, also.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Don't forget the Cardassian. The Cardassian have no honor.

HurricaneAli December 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm

I think "setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes" is a bit of a stretch; in between gorging on rum balls and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for the eleventyith time on YouTube, stealing a plastic baby Jesus out of the manger and hanging it on their pagan air-blown, inflatable Santa lawn piece is about all your normal Liberal Hooligan/Dumb 12-year-old Heathen can manage during this time of year.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Setting reindeer traps really seems a more likely activity for red state 2nd Amendment types.

CrankyLttlCamperette December 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Hey — them reindeer make some good eatin'.

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Reindeer are only caribou with good representation.

gef05 December 16, 2010 at 1:36 pm

My buddies inflatable Santa broke all but one of his moorings and tried to escape in strong winds last week. Driving down the road towards his house all you could see was Santa bouncing up and down about ten feet up in the air, straining to be rid of his pagan bonds.

I suggested we camo-up and shoot that fat little bastard right there, but the kids were watching, and they're just a bunch of birthers in the making.

hagajim December 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Sounds like all I have to do is make up a bunch of shit about Christmas and Christmas haters, put it in a book and viola' – I am a genuine author who is exposing the War on Christmas! Sounds pretty straightforward.

HistoriCat December 16, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Make sure you put in a shout-out to Wonkette so we know it's you.

harry_palmer December 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Nothing captures the Christmas (or Christian) spirit better than hating on people who try not to make others feel left out.

donner_froh December 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal!

a better title:

The Criminalization of Christianity: Read This Book Before Your Brain Is Consumed by Muslin Zombies.

Sparky_McGruff December 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Those Zombies are going to stay pretty hungry if they're eating the brains of John Gibson's audience.

OCKerouac December 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

The Criminalization of Christianity: Ask Someone To Read This Book To You Because You're Likely Illiterate!

StillGoinGreen December 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Why trial lawyers? What did trial lawyers ever do to the baby Jesus? Maybe if one of those fucking groupie apostles had been a good trial lawyer, Jesus could've gotten off on a plea bargain – oh yeah, it was meant to be that he died for our sins, so his Daddy wouldn't have to work anymore. I fucking hate fundamentalists and sanctimoniously religious people.

DeeJayKitteh December 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

You're not familiar with the Book of Shyster? It clearly states that "thou shalt not bring tort actions against giant multinational corporations." It's right after the section stating that life begins at conception and right before the one saying watching hot women make out is okay, but gay men are icky.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Life begins at incorporation.

StillGoinGreen December 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I had a girlfriend once that refused to swallow because she said it was like eating "thousands of little babies". I then asked her if she minded doing it doggie style, so when I pulled out and shot her on the back, she could give my little darlings a horsey ride. She was NOT amused.

DeeJayKitteh December 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Oh, right — I forgot that life begins before conception.

But I see her point. It's way more humane to spit thousands of little babies into a wad of kleenex instead of eating them.

Boredw/Gravity December 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Did she use protection? Then she was killing thousands of little babies anyway.

StillGoinGreen December 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Considering the fact that I was trying TO have sex with her, I didn't remind her of all the ways we were killing the little people in my trousers!

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Condoms are okay. They're like a trampoline for the little tykes. Wheeeee!

jodyleek December 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Are those homunculi in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Lascauxcaveman December 16, 2010 at 1:13 pm

LOL on the horsey ride bit; that's genius. So, let me see if I got this right: it's not OK to swallow "thousands of little babies" but it is OK to spit them out into the sink/toilet?

I think we're going to need a Papal Edict on this.

GOPCrusher December 16, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Heathen! There is only one way to engage in the sexual act. The Missionary Position as Jeebus proclaimed to the world during his Sermon On The Mounting. Between a man and a woman that have been properly married.
Oral gratification? Next thing, someone will bring up the godless act of sodomy.

slappypaddy December 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

those poor christians, such a persecuted minority in the united states. one wonders what will ever become of them. maybe they can be allowed to sit anywhere they want on a bus, and they can attend the same schools everyone else attends. this nation is big and brave enough to allow that.

Oblios_Cap December 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Maybe one day they'll be able to sit at the lunch counter of their local Walgreens and order a soda like the rest of us.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:37 pm

The persecution of Christians started when the Government told them that they could no longer refuse to sell their houses to Jews, or let them join their country clubs (the persecution of whites started then too), then the Supreme Court told the public schools they couldn't force children to pray to Jesus, and the persecution has just gotten worse and worse ever since.

BorderJumper! December 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Please hit the "Edit" button and add "a black guy became POTUS" at the end of your last sentence.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:53 pm

That's part of the persecution of whites, though, not Christians, although the persecuted part of the two groups mostly overlaps.

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Well, he IS a Muslin atheist follower of liberation theologist Rev. Wright, so his very existence is also persecution of the conventionally-faithful.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Look, some of these mall Santas deserve suspicious looks.

Does he ever explain what a "cultural relativist" is? I has a confused.

StillGoinGreen December 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Isn't it a person/gov't. that passes out Smallpox blankets?

V572625694 December 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Cultural relativism is incest.

No wait, it's when you argue that, because the terrorists behead people, it's all right for us to torture them.

Or maybe it's when you argue that the Inquisition was just a religious festival, with lots and lots of bonfires.

GOPCrusher December 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I've often wondered who these "cultural relativists" are. Especially, the ones that have declared war on Xmas, because I've yet to see anyone turn down the day off from work on Dec. 25th.

Bugeyes December 16, 2010 at 2:58 pm

A cultural relativist takes Christmas Eve off from work because Christmas falls on a Saturday.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 3:18 pm

It's more code, because a cultural Jew came up with the Theory of Relativism.

NewtsChicknNeck December 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm

fortunately, we can all still go to strip joints and subscribe to porn sites that prominently feature x-mas themes. no, for real.

V572625694 December 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

URL or GTFO

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:27 pm

MERRY XXX-MAS!

Weenus299 December 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I want everyone to know that I've taken the high ground, and will begin shelling Christmas round-the-clock until the infantry is properly massed for an exterminating attack. Lancers and fusiliers will follow up and gore any survivor.
Victory,
Great Satan.

Crank_Tango December 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm

"I don't hate Christmas. I just hate THIS Christmas."

Don Draper

not that Dewey December 16, 2010 at 1:09 pm

"I don't hate Christmas; I just feel better when it's not around."

-Henry Chinaski

SexySmurf December 16, 2010 at 12:14 pm

People who are courteous to people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas around the Winter Solstice.

If you see some Limey celebrating Boxing Day kick him in the bullocks. For Jesus.

V572625694 December 16, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Or an Italian exchaning presents on the Epiphany (6 Jan) or Santa Lucia (13 Dec). Stinkin Eye-tralians don't know a damn thing about the real meaning of Holiday Gifting Season.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Do you really need an excuse to kick a Limey?

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Hitler was better than his word. He did all that and infinitely more. And so, as Tiny Tim Fienstein observed, "God bless Us, Every One! And get me out of here!!!"

slithytoves December 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

in some schools…the colors red and green are forbidden.

I must say that I am absolutely perplexed as to how one would go about doing that. How would you teach kids about traffic signals? Forget biology lab, there's all kinds of red and green in there. Cafeteria? No more salad or ketchup – our number one vegetable.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

They just happen to be the colors of our rival school. We'll go to any lengths.

Lascauxcaveman December 16, 2010 at 1:21 pm

That'd be awesome, were it true. Their sports mascot could be the Mighty Fighting Reindeer. Every touchdown allowed would be a "gift." Every end-of-the-season game would be a snow bowl.

gef05 December 16, 2010 at 1:50 pm

How would you teach them about most of the secretions emanating from their putrid little selves?

MinAgain December 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

“Christianity might be a good thing, if anyone ever tried it.”
–George Bernard Shaw

slithytoves December 16, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.
- G.K. Chesterton

facehead December 16, 2010 at 12:16 pm

If we had enough money to celebrate Christmas, that might help.

Thanks GOP!

cheaphits December 16, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Jesus was born in a stable, a little donkey shit isn't going to freak him out – he shoulda checked with his Jewish son.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:17 pm

When John Gibson revealed the war on Christmas,
I went up there, I said, "Gib, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And Bill O'Reilly came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 12:51 pm

"Arlo, folk music is serious business." –P. Seeger

Lascauxcaveman December 16, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Man, the more I hear about Pete Seger, the more a self-righteous, sanctimonious asshole he seems. Guy would just not let up about Dylan and his electric guitar.

JoshuaNorton December 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

After all, Santa Claus is mentioned right there in the bible.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:44 pm

And the Constitution.

Atomic26 December 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I've been recently talking to my six year old about how Jeebus is just one in a long line of solar super-beings to get reborn in the middle of winter around the solstice. This makes me super popular with his Catholic grandparents. Not that we don't celebrate Christmas and even call it Christmas, but then again we also celebrate Chanukah and the actual solstice. Because really holidays are awesome so why not have as many as you can.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Hey, you can't spell Christmas without Mithra.

Boredw/Gravity December 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

You might want to add Festivus to your celebrations. Air those greivances, baby!

Atomic26 December 16, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Actually the airing of grievances is usually something my wife and her sister do after too many drinks on Christmas day. Then they don't talk for 5-6 months. By late summer they might be getting along face to face and bitching about the other in private. Thanksgiving goes well. Then it's time for Christmas again and the airing of grievances.

Thankfully I come from a family of silent grudge holders who smile and act nice even when we hate each other. It's much less dramatic.

JoshuaNorton December 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

the colors red and green are forbidden.

Red and green are uber-pagan soltice symbols. Why on earth would a true "christian" want to defend that?

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Not to mention that Red is the color of Communism, and Green is the color of the Muslims! When will we take Christmas back from the Commies and the Arabs! Hell, next thing you know, Mexicans will be celebrating the birth of our lord and savior!

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Green is also the color of the environmental movement, which Rush and Glenn told me is the EXACT SAME THING as communism! And communism is the same as Nazism, so anyone wearing red and green must be a commienazi!!

mrpuma2u December 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm

So is the tree, so is the yule log, the miseltoe, ad infitume et nauseaum. Again, the puritans (the pilgrims, founders of our jeebus loving nation) did not celebrate Yule or xmas as they were aware of it's thin veneer of jeebusness on a pagan solstice ritual.
They (the pilgrims) also burned people for being witches, which I am sure will happen under xtian Leviticus sharia law if Palin or someone she controls wins the white house.

Bugeyes December 16, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I thought the Puritans didn't celebrate Xmas because a bunch of drunken Irish show up and crash the party. In fact, didn't the Puritans come to America to get away from the drunken Irish?

jim89048 December 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Why do you hate Red Green?

OkieDokieDog December 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Xtians are such insane drama queens.

I don't give a damn if they believe in all that bible crap. I do give a damn when they try to force me into living with it, due to their insistence on not understanding the concept of separation of church and state.

Freedom FROM religion – it's so totally American.

bureaucrap December 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Baby Jeezus is Angry.
Baby Jeezus is a Jealous and Vengeful God.
Baby Jeezus says, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!".

ShiftyParadigm December 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm

There are four Sundays in Advent, you librul Jesus-hating secular communist.

metamarcisf December 16, 2010 at 12:23 pm

It's those goddam reindeer traps that are the problem. There's not enough of 'em 'cause I just went to Wal-Mart and asked the teabag greeters where they at and they turned me over to big sis. And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:25 pm

So, when I say "Es ist Zeit für sauberen," you all chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Advent macht frei

weejee December 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm

So John Gibson & Janet Folger are warning us to keep our Janet Napolitano Dorito bag cameras at the ready in the advent the spectacular hedonist terrorists secular humanists try to hijack our High Times rollie pollie daze high holiday by making us wear Muslin magic Depends. If if that happens, Jebus will magically become a Messican and be deported on the next train, plane, or bus to Juarez. Have I got it right?

binarian December 16, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Unless he sees his shadow then it's six more weeks of winter.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm

After reading this article, I am feeling conflicted about my Hitler Dressed as Santa Claus out in my front yard.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Don't feel bad, it makes a lovely centerpiece to your nativity scene!

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Well, you could always move next door to this guy

GOPCrusher December 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

First off, somebody should have just gone over and knocked that snowman over. Second off, if everyone in the neighborhood knows about them, why hasn't their house been destroyed in a suspicious fire?

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:28 pm

I do like that John Gibson drew the distinction between blaming the Jews and blaming the people with Jewish sounding names. Personally, I just blame anyone who is circumcised.

Oblios_Cap December 16, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Guilty as charged. How did you know, what with my blond hair and blue eyes?

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

He also blames trial lawyers; I'm surprised he doesn't also blame bankers and the people who control Hollywood.

binarian December 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

That's his brother Mel.

mayor_quimby December 27, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Geez, that makes me the first black Jew since Sammy one-eye.

johnnyzhivago December 16, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Did you know that Hitler also changed the name of Germany to Deutchland???? I guess English wasn't good enough for der fuhrer!

Be careful of the atheist, facist haters out there!!!!

AutomaticPilot December 16, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Oh please!!! Next, you'll say Jesus didn't speak English.

slithytoves December 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Wait, does this mean the baby Jesus was secretly a Nazi?

No, but his future Vicar was.

genxr December 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Have we not wiped out all other religions on the planet yet? What is the freaking hold up???/?

BorderJumper! December 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Why is it that I have a hard time believing that 70%+ of the US population is, all of the sudden, a repressed minority?

V572625694 December 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I'm curious about the exact circumstances through which Gibson's boy became a Jew. Did he detest his father's feral and preposterous brand of Christianity so much that he converted? Could it have been something similar to the way Phllyllis Schllaflly's boy, with his mother as an example of womanhood, chose to go gay, because who wouldn't?

Lascauxcaveman December 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Almost everywhere a school district is limiting what Christmas carols kids can sing or hear,

Funny, at our local public highschool annual Christmas Program (that's what they called it) we we heard versions of "Silent Night," Hark the Heralds" and a jazzed-up version of "Joy To the World," and probably a few others which mention angels, and Mary and the li'l dude Jesus by name. Even the Jewish girls in my daughter's symphonic choir were belting them out.

And the reason I know the local Jewry so well is because they all send their kids to the same Catholic gradeschool my kids went to.

Can you believe our tax dollars are funding such blatant state-instituted religious displays?

(All kidding aside, it was a great show. This is a school of less than 900 kids and for the finale, with all the choirs and orchestras performing together, there were about 200 onstage.)

finallyhappy December 16, 2010 at 3:32 pm

at our public school- we had Hark the Herald Angels Sing among other songs- I mention this one because my daughter(she is Jewish- and so am I) said it had good parts for the viola(her instrument). And we also had lots of other religious songs- right here in radical socialist Montgomery County, Md.

mumbly_joe December 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Coca-Cola replaces its iconic Santa adverts with those vile adorable polar bears.

Actually, this one's interesting, because, funny story: they're "iconic", in the sense that our modern pop-cultural image of Santa is barely a century old, and owes itself almost entirely to Coca-Cola's ubiquitous adverts in the '30. Santa is practically a Coca-Cola trademark, making the notion that they dropped these adverts because they're ducking to EBIL SECULARISTS, instead of, say, the fact that Coca-Cola discovered CG animation, and then instantly thereafter discovered the Uncanny Valley, kinda idiotic.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Yep, before Coke dressed Santa up in Commie Red, he used to dress in green like Muhammad.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I just like how they seem to think Santa is a Christian symbol; remember the days when fundies would decry the secularization of Xmas, in particular by having a lot more images of Santa than baby Jesus?

Bugeyes December 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

And Coca-Cola has turned its back on world peace and other fluffy Christian ideas. When was the last time you heard the I'd like teach the world to sing in perfect harmony commercial? Huh?

vulpes82 December 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

And isn't Santa still on the cans? I swear he's on the Coke cans in my fridge.

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Don't drink that Coke, put it on ebay and breathlessly claim that this is the last chance to buy these Sanctified Santa cans before they're banned by the Jews. (why should Christians have a monopoly on profiting from their own paranoia?)

AutomaticPilot December 16, 2010 at 3:47 pm

"He hates these cans!" – Navin Johnson

Ducksworthy December 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

I for one recommend feeding these nutjobs to lions and when the lions have defecated out their remains (hair, bones, fillings etc.) those remains should be sent to the gas chamber, just to make sure.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

I read an interesting book a while back about the mentality that pervaded Germany before WWII (yeah, Godwin's Law violation, but the direction is the same) and it pointed out that a manufactured seige mentality was a driving force to get the people to favor German expansionism. Hitler's government was constantly yelling that they were surrounded by enemies to the point where attacking other nations on the flimsiest pretext was considered justifiable. While the geographical approach doesn't apply (except for Iraq, which was clearly about to invade the US in 2003), the cultural seige mentality is in full swing.

Ducksworthy December 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

We don't need to invoke Hitler anymore. There are much more recent examples. I think it was Chris Hedges who, just after 9/11, said "We're all Serbs now." Serbenica comes to easily to mind to snark.

GeneralLerong December 16, 2010 at 6:24 pm

John W. Dean recently cooked up a good one:

"It is my view that approximately twenty-five percent of the voting population is insane. I do not exaggerate when I say that…this insane element of our population would, without hesitation, vote for Adolph Hitler."

No, I haven't read Broken Government yet. But I'm already contemplating an escape to France…Canada…Costa Rica…even Great Britain would be preferable.

fuflans December 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

jesus christ.

mrpuma2u December 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Today we are all nazi pagan idolaters

GunTotingProgressive December 16, 2010 at 1:49 pm

What do you mean by "today?"

Bugeyes December 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm

What the Christmas warriors don't understand is, if you want someone to wish you a merry Christmas, then the wishee must bring the wishor some figgy pudding. It is a contract. Now, tell me, how many Christmas shoppers carry around a batch of figgy pudding?

Ducksworthy December 16, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Oh great Gawd almighty have mercy on us pitiful sinners. Hear our prayer. And if you can't find it in your divine heart to afflict these assholes with the pigaids and kill them during this Holy Season, please Gawd, rapture them the hell out of here so the rest of us can drink and debauch in peace. In Jeebus Name. Amen

__kth__ December 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

The Google tells me that Ms. Folger is a creationist. Big surprise there, I know.

SmutBoffin December 16, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Well, let's just add it to the (lengthy) list of things she's wrong about and move on.

bitchincamaro2 December 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

My mom reminds me of all the little Jehovah's pupils in her public school kindergarten classes that she was required to exclude from religious or secular holiday celebrations. So, Jesus lovers not only make Baby Jesus cry, they make their own little ones angry and bitter, too.

Midway117 December 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm

So pretty much any actual work stops after December 5, any retail establishment lives or dies by fourth-quarter profits, and I have no choice but to not work on December 25 because Christians are a persecuted minority. I wanna be a persecuted minority!!

MozakiBlocks December 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

It's funny how the right wing in this country NEVER gets upset about the poors losing their homes, or folks having their unemployment benefits cut off, or the fact that the food pantries in this country are running very low on supplies right now.

To me that's the real "War on Christmas" or actually the "War on What Jeebus Actually Preached and Stood For".

John Gibson and his ilk can stick a Christmas tree right up their bunghole. Fucking hypocrits!

bitchincamaro2 December 16, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Providing said Christmas tree is fully decorated.

bitchincamaro2 December 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

He's got a valid point, especially with the genocide of Iraqi and Afghan Xtians being waged by the other team; but "most" persecuted? I'm not buying it.

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

"Well, maybe Jesus was a Jew, but only on his mother's side." Archie Bunker.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Yeah, but the man his mom cuckolded who raised him was also a Jew; I don't think the religion of the biological father he never even met really matters.

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Spoken like a true cynic… Whenever fatherhood got to be a little too much for me, I remembered poor Joseph. Jesus had to bear a cross for a few hours, poor Joseph had to bear his for 33 years during a time and in an social and religious environment that was considerably less liberal than ours. Mary had some 'splainen to do too, of course.

HistoriCat December 16, 2010 at 1:42 pm

I'm assuming that Mary was a real hottie. Why else would Joseph agree to marry her even though she was carrying someone else's child?

nounverb911 December 16, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Mary = Bristol?

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Frankly, in my opinion, Middle Eastern women are the hottest women on the planet, surpassing even the Brazilians. Too bad they age badly. Al Jazeera English features a newsreader from Dubai News occasionally that is out of this fucking world.

vulpes82 December 16, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Being a heathen, I don't know my Bible terribly well, but I think it was a command from God. So, basically, a shotgun (or smitegun) wedding.

SorosBot December 16, 2010 at 10:45 pm

It was a lot easier for cheating wives back in the day when people thought gods were walking the earth and impregnating mortals left and right. "No, honey, I'm a virgin and an angel appeared to me and said it was Yahweh's son." "Oh, I thought I fucking you but it was actually Zeus in disguise." "It was Zeus [he really got around] in the form of – uh, a bunch of coins. Yeah, let's go with the coins." It could sometimes work for the men, "But baby, the mother of little Aeneas here was actually Aphrodite, you know I'd never cheat on you with anyone but the goddess of beauty and sex."

Too bad for the queen who fucked the sacred bull and birthed the Minotaur, though, because her bull-fucking ways were obvious.

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 11:05 pm

My favorite Biblical sex farce is where King David thinks he can spirit a local married hottie out of her hovel within view of the Royal Palace, pork her brains out and return her to her home without the whole fucking town of Jerusalem being abuzz over it. Naturally, her hubby, Uriah got wind of it and refused to sleep at home when called back in town from the front lines on R&R, so his bull-headedness resulted in him carrying his own death warrant to his commander back on the front lines. Who paid the price? The innocent loyal soldier husband and the innocent bastard infant. Nothing like a happy ending.

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Plus, whenever Joseph tried to send him to his room, emo Jesus would say, "You're not my REAL dad!" (Mark Brazil)

amyamnesia December 16, 2010 at 7:08 pm

But Judaism is matrilineal, so that's the only side that counts! Muah ha ha!! Foiled again, Jesus!

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Actually, one of the Gospels tracks his lineage through Mary and another through Joseph. The latter is odd to me, since Joseph has no alleged genetic contribution to Jesus.

Asa_Hawks December 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Because if there's anything that Jesus wants his birthday associated with, it's fear, paranoia and blinding hatred of the Other.

Rotundo_ December 16, 2010 at 8:18 pm

December 25th is just as likely as August 3 as the actual date Christ was born, assuming he was born at all. All of this froofraw over a supposed birthday and as it has been stated, it was just a way of changing the subject from Mother Earth to Juh-Heeeeez-uhhhhhsssss.

Extemporanus December 16, 2010 at 1:40 pm

I wonder whether Christianist wingnuts would exhibit quite the same level of obsession with jolly ol' Saint Nick were he not an overweight, diabetic, gay Grizzly Adams cosplayer who spends an inordinate amount of time around children, livestock, and tights-wearing, toy-wielding midgets.

FlyOverGirl December 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Why do these fuckheads want Christianity taught in public schools? Remind me if there's one interpretation of the Bible that they all agree on?

MiniMencken December 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm

I just don't have time for the War on Christmas as I am so busy looking for sacrificial offerings for my pantheon of real gods, Huitzilopochtli, Huixtocihuatl, Ilamatecuhtli, Itztlacoliuhqui-Ixquimilli, Itzli, Itzpapalotl – tzitzimime, Ixtlilton, Macuilcozcacuauhtli, Macuilcuetzpalin, Macuilmalinalli, Macuiltochtli, Macuilxochitl, Malinalxochitl, Matlalceuitl, Mayahuel, Metztli, Mextli, Mictecacihuatl, Mictlantecuhtli, Mixcoatl and Nanahuatzin. But, why won't Obama let us build a pyramid to the Sun God on the Mall? Answer me that, Gibson and Folger, you crybabies!

Chet Kincaid December 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm

You forgot Metamucil.

MiniMencken December 16, 2010 at 5:04 pm

You're right! I'm just such a stressed-out, hot mess this time of year. I mean, war on Christmas is one thing, but if you are an observant Aztec, just pull out that obsidian-bladed knife, rip out one pissant little human heart to offer up to Huitzilopochtli and the cops are all over you like white on rice!

Chet Kincaid December 16, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Not to mention Mxyzptlk. And Mueslix. And Mixolydian.

GOPCrusher December 16, 2010 at 5:53 pm

And Sir Mixalot.

bflrtsplk December 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

I'm a little confused by this B.C. thing. Was there somebody before you know who that kept track of the years, knowing you know who would be born on 12/25 in the year one? Why isn't Christmas Day then also New Year's Day? What if the Virgin Mary, for obvious reasons, had an abortion? Would that mean the guy – assuming it was a male – would be out of a job? Could he collect unemployment because of the, you know, unforeseen circumstances?

rocktonsam December 16, 2010 at 2:08 pm

is there nothing any FOX employee won't exploit to make a buck, I mean to fight for Amerikkka?

bflrtsplk December 16, 2010 at 5:34 pm

No

crybabyboehner December 16, 2010 at 2:31 pm

So, the only thing worse than a liberal Jew is a liberal with a Jewish-sounding name?

JustPixelz December 16, 2010 at 3:11 pm

I'm not celebrating Christmas until I see the original birf certificate.

bflrtsplk December 16, 2010 at 5:26 pm

C'mon man. He was born in a hotel room – er manger – in Hawaii, where he moved because he wanted to be a U.S. citizen and fight for the good guys in the war on Christmas.

Bugeyes December 16, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Are John Gibson and Mel Gibson…like…related?

bflrtsplk December 17, 2010 at 4:03 am

Has anyone ever seen John and Mel in the same place at the same time?

NewYorkJew December 16, 2010 at 3:50 pm

God on Christmas (paraphrasing John Gibson): "some of my best sons are Jewish"

FlipOffResearch December 16, 2010 at 5:33 pm

I think it was Jesus that said, “There’s a fool born every minute”. If so, these two authors are doing the lords work.

GOPCrusher December 16, 2010 at 5:52 pm

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

lochnessmonster December 16, 2010 at 5:57 pm

The only book to read at Christmas is Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. The only way I can get into the reason for the season.

DoktorZoom December 17, 2010 at 12:22 am

I prefer being frank with children… "I know a lot of people who would kill for that little waistline of yours."

NewYorkJew December 16, 2010 at 6:05 pm
bflrtsplk December 16, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I think I smoked some of that once. Didn't do anything for me.

thefrontpage December 16, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Hey, wingnuts and teabaggers and other morons and idiots:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

ChessieNefercat December 16, 2010 at 7:08 pm

I have a question. Shouldn't Christianists (faux Christians) be happy if stores and retail establishments ban mention or display of Christmas?

Shouldn't they be happy if the sacred and holy celebration of the birth of the Savior is not associated with a greedy, commercialized homage to plastic crap and ugly sweaters?

Just trying to make sense of it all.

Rotundo_ December 16, 2010 at 8:21 pm

So the pee has been restored? So near Christmas? IT"S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! We Got PEE for Christmas!!!11!1!!!!!!

Sassomatic December 16, 2010 at 10:20 pm

Hey I got my pee back, too! Thank you baby Jeebus!

Sassomatic December 16, 2010 at 10:14 pm

In some schools, the letters J, E, S, and U and banned.

GunTotingProgressive December 17, 2010 at 9:42 am

What about other U?

lulzmonger December 17, 2010 at 12:03 am

Our Kwanzaa will last for a thousand solstices!

HEIL SOROS!

matunos December 17, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Here's something that's fascinating: each of the book images in the article is accompanied by a 1x1pixel image whose source is the actual HTML from Amazon's page for that book, along with wonkette's associate's referral tag. This means that, not only will Amazon think you viewed the book on their site (thus adding it to your viewing history and affecting the books it recommends to you), but if you buy anything from amazon shortly thereafter, including these books, wonkette gets a referral bonus from it; whether or not you actually clicked on any links from here to visit Amazon.

Graham Cracker December 16, 2010 at 4:37 pm

I guess that I am just an old school Trekkie.

DoktorZoom December 16, 2010 at 5:30 pm

They have no talent, either. How'd they ever get a reality show?

zhubajie December 16, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Yes, until age 25 or so.

LionelHutzEsq December 16, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Well, they are cold blooded lizard creatures.

ttommyunger December 16, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Sadly, yes.

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