• Ayn Rand’s rotting corpse is feeling SO GOOD right now, since Americans are once again free to forego health insurance and force all the other poors to pay for it! [Forbes]
  • Instead of this “insurance,” Americans should be forced to buy guns, presumably to blow their brains out when they’re afflicted with a horrifying disease. [RedWhiteBlueNews]
  • Looking for a good time? Call: 1-866-996-5161. [Patiot Action Network]
  • The most secret and evil committee in Congress, the abortion committee, is trying to kill babies by saving “grown women” from violence. Typical. [LifeNews]
  • Harry Reid should make love, not war, with corporate interests — according to noted peace-hippie Michelle Malkin. [Red County]
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  • And RW nutjob is other words for spoiled idiot with cognitive dissonance who still hasn't gotten over being told to clean his room.

    • Steverino247

      Cognitive dissonance is a BITCH!

  • DoktorZoom

    What if every American were forced to buy nonsequiturs? Would liberals be happy with that, too? Huh?

    • We Wonkettiers would be like a cabal of Rupert Murdoch clones in the brave new world you described.

  • Plowmon

    Raise taxes on insurance executives!

  • What if everyone was forced to pay taxes for public education even though they didn't have kids?

    What if everyone was forced to pay taxes for highway upkeep even if they took the subway to work?

    • DoktorZoom

      What if everybody had to pay for disastrous wars that they not only didn't benefit from, but actively opposed?

      • PsycWench

        What if everybody had to help pay for faith-based programs even though they did not follow that faith?

        • DoktorZoom

          What if everybody had to pay for a huge federal construction program that was directly inspired by ADOLF HITLER?

          • what if everybody had to pay the salaries of public officials who were actively trying to fuck them over?

          • lumpenprole

            What if everybody had to pay for the bailout a handful of investment banks run by plutocrats who pay for this Rand crap? What if everyone was forced to buy their fraud in order to prove that they're as rich as they say they are before their BS took out the world economy?

          • snoopyfan2010

            What if everybody had to pay for subsidies to farmers to grow crops they weren't allowed to buy so that the price of food could stay artifically high?

          • gvvt

            Well, you wouldn't be able to pee when you drove through Arizona because the Federal govt won't allow privatized potties.

    • xsluggo

      What if life were but a dream?

  • The market will figure out a way to fix our healthcare system; meanwhile the rich and poor have an equal right to die under a bridge with an untreated disease.

    • gvvt

      or to blow their brains out with their ObamaGun.

  • monstrous 327-page omnibus government lands bill

    That omnibus station must be really packed. Every damn bill has to ride the omnibus these days.

    • HistoriCat

      As long as your bill doesn't get sent to the back of the omnibus.

      • DoktorZoom

        Obammer will throw us all under the omnibus!

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        …for further review by an ombudsman.


        • DoktorZoom

          Om nom nom!

    • bagofmice

      That would be the omni part…

  • Steverino247

    What if a President in a wheelchair said that taxes were the dues you paid for living in an organized society.

    Oh, wait…

  • WarAndGee

    You don't have to force me to buy a gun as long as you corporate-fascism-apologists are hangin' around, I'm one step ahead of you.

    And if you don't want to buy health insurance then don't drive on our public streets because we don't want to have to scrape your fat anti-social asses off the pavement and take you to hospital in our ambulances. (Oh and stop FORCING ME to buy health insurance for the troops. I already own a gun, remember? thank you.)

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Again, who did Michelle Malkin blow so that we have to listen to her? 'Cause I'd be willing to blow them to shut her up again.

    • SexySmurf

      Roger Ailes?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Done and done. Does that mean we get Glen Beck and Sean Hannity off the air too? Just saying. I'll make it good and dry for him.

        • SexySmurf

          You'd have to toss his salad for that.

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Lots of teeth too please.

        • Negropolis

          Done and done.

          You are one brave man, my friend. Roger Ailes is like a saggier, sicker Rush Limbaugh, and I wouldn't even touch that fat fuck with a 20 point Rasmussen Poll.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Spoken like a true patriot. You sir are my hero.

    • Amaravilha

      I had the same reaction. From under which rock did she just ooze on out?

  • Steverino247

    What if Americans were forced to buy guns instead of insurance? It's what we're already doing, asshole. I'm required to buy aircraft carriers, tanks, rifles, cannons, fighter-bombers and all sorts of nasty shit instead of insurance.

    "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."

    Or lack access to health care.


  • PsycWench

    I checked out the Lifenews link (Why, for crying out loud? Why?) which confirms my earlier belief:

    There is NO issue that the pro-life group cannot connect to abortion. NONE. I fully expect to see the next price increase of Cap'n Crunch blamed on abortion.

    • DoktorZoom

      Won't somebody PLEASE think of the Crunchberries?

      • Sparky_McGruff

        Do you mean the "Snowflake Crunchberries"? Every one is a unique morsel, with a soul hand placed by Jesus Crunch himself.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Women are intentionally cutting the roofs of their mouths to have an oral abortion.

    • SorosBot

      Remember, anything at all that helps improve the lives of women and move closer to equality might somehow in some vague way make it easier to get abortions; this arguments are all made in good faith, they are certainly not using a desire to protect the precious little blastocysts as a smokescreen for the fact that they really want to maintain male dominance or anything.

    • MissTaken

      If women didn't have so many abortions than there would be more children to eat Cap'n Crunch spreading the profit on crunchberries out over many customers thus allowing Cap'n Crunch to lower their price overall while still being profitable. Duh!

  • SorosBot

    At least those Forbes morons are honest about being evil dipshits and admit they also want to get rid of medicare, medicaid, S-Chip and requiring emergency rooms to care for the uninsured and just leave sick people to die.

    It is interesting that every wingnut who keeps praising the anti-health judge's decision ignores the other court challenges that upheld health care reform, along with the judge's clear conflict of interest that will probably mean his decision will be overturned on appeal regardless of the merits.

    When you want a good time, call 867-5309.

    Nice try, LifeNews, but we can tell that you don't really oppose the International Violence Against Women Act because of vague concerns it might support abortion rights, but because it would help the women you hate, which is why you believe in forced childbirth.

    • xsluggo

      “… they also want to get rid of medicare, medicaid, [and] S-Chip…”

      Louie ‘Terror Babies’ Gohmert (R-Snake Bit, Tx) introduced a bill doing just that in 2009. But he also threw in abolishing Social Security to make sure that it wouldn’t be overlooked. The man’s a nut for details.

  • magic_titty

    LifeNews uses the phrase "pro-abortion" like it's a bad thing.

  • pattycake

    My retirement plan involves driving straight into a freight train, so it will look like an accident and my kids will get the life insurance payout.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What If Every American Had To Buy A Gun Instead Of Health Insurance? Would Libs Be Ok With That?

    I don't know — ask George Washington, who signed such a law. I'm sure Glenn Beck will be denouncing King George as the originator of the Progressive conspiracy real soon, though.

    • Neilist

      Goddamnit. I LOVE George Washington.

      And not just because he had sex with black slaves . . . just around MIDNIGHT!

  • slappypaddy

    "blow their brains out"

    what is it about my fellow americans that they always have to make a big dramatic production and a bloody mess out of everything? there are cleaner, quieter ways to go, you know (slitting your wrists in a bathtub full of warm water; hemlock, though i don't know where to get that these days; oxycodone overdose; and my favorite, knocking back a fifth of jim beam and wandering out into a blizzard).

    • Oblios_Cap

      Make a bloody mess out of everything? You have read the Bible and realize bloody messes are basis of both the Old and New Testaments?

      Really. Why couldn't Gawd just come right out and tell us what to do instead of constructing some elaborate facade involving his son dying a painful death for all of us whether we asked him to or not?

  • MinAgain

    Ayn Rand as a brain-eating zombie?!? Ye gods, man! Have you no regard for my peace of mind?

    • DoktorZoom

      Hell, if anything, that's a far more cuddly image of her than I had before.

  • EdFlintstone

    You have to be seriously fucked in the head to try and tie up a line supporting the dream act, the one that gives a path to citizenship to immigrants serving in the armed forces, fighting for your country.

  • JoeMamased

    From Patriot Action Network site:

    CAMPUS PROGRESS on facebook is the liberal progressive site that seems to be the originator of this illegal activity of providing numbers for illegals to get involved in our voting system. … Watch thier site. They update it a lot for Dream Act garbage.
    WATCH THEM QUIETLY so they do not get spooked and start up somewhere else. We can deal with legal issues later.

    I signed up for their email alerts so they write me all their changes. It is on the main page.

    "Watch them quietly"?!?!?!?!?? Hahahaha! What a bunch of rocket surgeons.

    • SorosBot

      These people seem to have a strange definition of "illegal activity".

      • JoeMamased

        Charming, isn't it? Also, "We can deal with legal issues later." They're evidently happy to engage in what they consider to be probably "illegal activity" themselves. I'm sure hilarity would ensue were they to receive a "cease and desist" email with some impenetrable and nonsensical legalese.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Thier? Another homeskooling win!

  • ttommyunger

    Michelle Malkin, another woman who no one would ever fuck who is totally against abortion. Go figure.

  • EdFlintstone

    Remember libtards, whenever getting in an arguement with a conservative supporter of Ayn Rand, it's alway good to remind them she was against faith and was pro-choice. Stand back and watch their heads explode.

    • Moonbat

      Would that that were true. Try the same trick by explaining that in fact ol' Ronaldus Magnus himself raised taxes every year following his 1981 tax cuts. Their heads don't explode, they just refuse to acknowledge your so-called liberal "facts."

  • Nobody should be allowed to be a Randian Objectivist past their junior year.

    • V572625694

      Thanks, Ellsworth Toohey, but the mere existence of Alan Greenspan proves you wrong.

  • god, those forbes writers look like such awful fucking jerks. and they sound like such awful fucking jerks. hmmm, maybe they ARE jerks! wait, i forget – are we supposed to listen to jerks? or are we supposed to tell jerks to eat a bowl of dicks and stop fucking things up for everybody, all the time? life is confusing!

    • SorosBot

      They write a column titled "The Objectivist", so right off bat they're telling you they're not just jerks, but smug, entitled, pseudo-intellectual, amoral, selfish, self-centered dickwads.

      • the evidence mounts!

        • Angry_Marmot

          The original Forbes fortune was built out of opium sales in China, so the amorality goes right to the bone.

  • Ducksworthy

    I would assume the Conference of Catholic Bishops also oppose the International Violence Against Women Act. All those rape babies are more souls for them and the more souls you have to your credit the less time you have to spend in purgatory for buggering young boys.

    • Redhead

      "All those rape babies are more future children for them to play hide-the-sausage with"


  • mumbly_joe

    First comment from RWBN:

    I am forced to buy guns all the time. Tanks, bombers, drones, aircraft carriers … I just am not allowed to use them myself, or take them home.

    Okay, either that was one of you guys, or that was yet another hilarious example of right-wingers brainlessly making the argument for Single Payer without realizing it.

    • SorosBot

      The comments are in reverse order and it's pretty much the same as one here, so I'm fairly that was one of us.

      • mumbly_joe

        But it also looks to be posted more than an hour before this installment of Rumors on the Internets went live, and also, too, who can really tell, since virtually every complaint about the "unconstitushunality" of ACA kinda comes right back around to the question of why we didn't just Single Payer and be done with it.

        They loved the Individual Mandate, until a black man (who's also a "liberal") suggested it. Now they're pretty sure it's illegal. Oh well, guess we should go back to our first idea, then. Only, wait, most senate Democrats are spineless twits, so nevermind.

    • Steverino247

      I been robbed! (See above)

      But, it's cool since I'm stealing the joke about hitting it so hard whoever pulled me off would be declared King of England.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Today, we are all stealing that joke.

  • Since the teabaggers have adapted so many other protesting gimmicks from the 60's and 70's, might I suggest they burn the start publicly burning their medicare cards? If they also decide to go off the grid for their health care, that could help the deficit as well.

    • xsluggo

      And their bingo cards.

  • HedonismBot

    Somewhere in heaven, Ronald Reagan is fellating Ayn Rand. Freedumbs!!!1!!

    • zhubajie

      In Hell, you mean. Anything sexual with Ayn Rand would have to be a punishment!

      • Being turned into a painted war horse that is mounting Ayn Rand while her Cthulu-like cunt shoots out barbed tentacles, it smells like Polo cologne as well as cheap cigarettes and the whole thing sounds like unplugging a demonic backed up vacuum cleaner.

        • Negropolis

          That was terrifyingly graphic, man.

    • MissTaken

      Clapton's Tears in Heaven is now in my head.

  • glamourdammerung

    So the Randroid is applauding the judge for ruling that something was immoral?

    Sometimes, the jokes write themselves. Especially when these clowns are involved.

  • Redhead

    Well of course. I'm sure the male author of that life news article knows SO MUCH MORE about my life circumstances than I do. That's why he's obviously better equipped to tell me when, with who and under what circumstances I should have a baby.

    I'm sure his obsession with forcing children to be born into inadequate circumstances has nothing to do with a desire for more children to molest.

    • Have you also noticed, that those "Pro-Life" assholes only care about children until their head crowns. After that the little fuckers are on their own.

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  • Negropolis

    From a posted in that thread at PatriotActionNetwork:

    Maybe if we LEGAL citizens ALL call that toll free number maybe we can flood that line AND voice our opinions as well

    Yeah, that was kind of the whole point of him posting that, you little bug-fucker.

    Gawd, why do they have to be that stupid? How the hell are we losing to this?

  • Neilist

    "[F]orced to buy guns . . . ."?

    I'm sorry, but that sentence makes no sense to me whatsoever.

    Sort of like, "Forced to have sex with Audrey Hepburn during her 'Roman Holiday' or 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' periods . . . ."

    The words string together, and the syntax is correct. But it makes no sense. Even homos would want to have sex with her. Just like any sensible homo would want to buy a gun.

    How about "forced to buy small, poorly manufactured, chrome-plated Pieces of Shit outlawed by the 1968 Gun Control Act"?

    Sort of like "forced to have sex with Ellen DeGenerate or Margaret Moo-Cow Cho" . . . .?

  • Do the Right Wingnuts not see the irony in the fact that they HATE communists, (as well as a host of other things), and yet their main websites have names like "RED Country" and "RED State"?

    • JoeMamased

      Red was part of the spoils when Ronald Reagan shot and killed the USSR.

  • gvvt

    Can't you face it? These are EXACTLY the same thing. Guns = Health Care. When are you going to understand reality?

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