THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH  3:27 pm December 15, 2010

Pope Can’t Take His Eyes Off Shirtless ‘Acrobats’

by Jack Stuef

Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.

And the nuns go wild!

This is all pretty interesting in light of this WikiLeaks cable:

Pope Benedict XVI’s four-day visit to Sao Paulo, the first trip to Latin America of his papacy, was received with popular enthusiasm and saturation media coverage. In his several sermons and other public utterances, the Pope called on the faithful to adhere to Church rules on personal morality and to push back against the materialistic and secular values promoted by the mass media.

Oh, look, surprise! The Pope favors morality and hates secular values. But ripping a bunch of men ripping off their shirts and dancing to porn music? JESUS GIVES IT FOUR STARS! [Andrew Sullivan/WikiLeaks]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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WarAndGee December 15, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Well, dominus vobiscum, eh padre?

VeraSevera December 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Thank you, Wonkette! This is the best Xmas present ever!

smokefilledroommate December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Wow, even the Pope's hat has a boner. And he's not even wearing it.

V572625694 December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I hope that "cable was classified TOP SECRET Q Crypto Sensitive Compartmented Information No Foreign Dissemination" to protect it, and that its author got an immediate promotion to FSO-4 for his sagacious and valuable insights.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Pope Palpatine @ 0:16–" You want this, don't you? The lust is swelling in you now!! Take your Jedi weapon. Use it…work it…Yes…yess…give in to your lussst! With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant."

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:41 am

I love it. Pope Palpatine! lol Yes, yes; release your lust. It makes you stronger!

inapewetrust December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

mmmmmm-mmmm – happy birthday jeezy c!

harry_palmer December 15, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Those Brazilian altar boys somehow have got der Poopenfuhrer thinking about blowing the horn of Gabriel.

prommie December 15, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Ecce homo.

It had to be said.

x111e7thst December 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

So someone should be whipping these acrobats

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Somebody's definitely going to be flogging the bishop any moment now…

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:40 pm

It's raining Popes, hallelujah!

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 3:35 pm

It's OK, there was no lust from the pope or cardinals because these were half-naked adults.

V572625694 December 15, 2010 at 3:35 pm

They don't call him the Primate of Rome for nothing.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Is that a reliquary in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

OzoneTom December 15, 2010 at 3:37 pm

I can't wait until they bring out the Brazilian she-males.

ttommyunger December 15, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Those WERE the Brazilian she-males!

OneDollarJuana December 15, 2010 at 3:38 pm

I wonder if the Pope is in line for stem cell therapy.

bumfug December 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

John Boehner watched and wept.

bagofmice December 15, 2010 at 4:30 pm

To get the proper religous connotation, along with disturbing imagry:

And Boehner wept.

SexySmurf December 15, 2010 at 3:40 pm

I think the Pope had a flash back to his Hitler Youth days. Also, that chick in the black can hold my coat any day, if you know what I mean.

Mahousu December 15, 2010 at 4:53 pm

You notice how the Pope shooed them all off when she returned? Must have been quite a buzz-kill to have a girl show up right in the middle of his fantasy.

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Good thing he's allowed to use a condom.

Radiotherapy December 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm

You could say his recent Papal Decree (Bull?) covered his ass.

4TheTurnstiles December 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm

Let's take this to the rectory, son.

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm

"Mmmm those young acrobats are so smooth and hairless. Oh, and so talented. If anyone has need of us, we will be in our chambers, polishing the scepter."

BornInATrailer December 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Time for that variation on Saltine Queen we like to call the "Euchawrist."

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm

I don't think Gregory Peck starred in Ratzi's version of Boys From Brazil.

jus_wonderin December 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Are the Nuns shaking these guys clothing after it was thrown into the audience?

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm

I thought those were Homer Hankies.

Dashboard_Jesus December 15, 2010 at 11:29 pm

I assumed it was their panties (do they even wear undies or go 'commando', inquiring minds wanna know?)

jus_wonderin December 16, 2010 at 6:35 am

I alway fant….uh, I mean, pictured them has having cast iron unmentionables. And now…………I will burn in Hell.

PsycWench December 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Now THAT's an Eiffel Tower I could totally get into.

RedneckMuslin December 15, 2010 at 3:48 pm

There was that analicious look in the pope's eyes.

EdFlintstone December 15, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Man, clicking your heels in ruby red slippers and making a wish works for the pope too.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Poor old guy–even after that performance, he's left standing only semi-erect.

bitchincamaro2 December 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

At the after-party, they all compared their hairless temples of the Lord.

AutomaticPilot December 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

I believe someone on another thread earlier today said white pants were gay. Oh, wait…

mavenmaven December 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Its doubly surprising, since i found my eyes following that woman in the black cat suit… how many p-points does it take to get a date with her?

forgracie December 15, 2010 at 3:58 pm

I know. I'd hit that so hard the person who pulled me off would be declared the King of England.

Dashboard_Jesus December 15, 2010 at 11:32 pm

you'll need a LOT more p-ness to hook up with that lovely latina!

magic_titty December 15, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Remember y'all, saddlebacking isn't sex. Have at 'em, Pope dude. You'll still be celibate after.

slappypaddy December 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm

i remember reading about that in the bible. book of revelations, i think it was. pretty much the way i pictured it, too.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:57 pm

If these be the Man-Whores of Babylon, then Party On, I say!

simplyblue7 December 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Not a single dry panty in the church or house, w/e.

Radiotherapy December 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I can just imagine this world class lecher humming in a gravelly undertone:
♪♫ He flies throught the air with the greatest of ease ♪♫

SexySmurf December 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm

The beast with four backs.

BorderJumper! December 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm

"“Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.”
Luckily for the Pope, HIV is now curable.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 15, 2010 at 5:34 pm

In Germans.

payton December 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Actually, in *Americans* receiving the Best Health Care In The World™… um, in Germany.

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:44 am

Now, what cudgel will they use to bash the gays?! Wont' someone think of the homophobes?! Won't ANYONE think of the homophobes?!

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2010 at 3:55 pm

King Rat then retired for a few minutes, to work on a little happy ending/final solution of his own….

edgydrifter December 15, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Yes, let's take advice on the moral perils of materialism from a guy who lives in an actual fucking castle, who routinely dresses in thirty-eight yards of silk and gold brocade, and who has a closet full of scarlet Pradas.

Dashboard_Jesus December 15, 2010 at 11:34 pm

I thought only the devil wore Prada…oh, wait a minute?

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:45 am

Pradas ain't the only thing in that closet…

Pragmatist2 December 15, 2010 at 4:00 pm

"Come back to the Vatican with me and I will show you my DaVinci etchings!"

Extemporanus December 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm

That Muslim prayer rug really tied the routine together.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 4:26 pm

At least until the chinaman pissed on it.

aguacatero December 15, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Correction: micturated

Also, Dr., Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.

Angry_Marmot December 16, 2010 at 3:47 am

This isn't a guy who built the railroads here.

jus_wonderin December 15, 2010 at 4:06 pm

I can't speak for anybody else here, but I need to see the uncut footage.

Worthly Wokette Skum December 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Whad'ya mean? All the guys in that footage were uncut.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 4:07 pm

This looks like a job for…Battle Pope!

Steverino247 December 15, 2010 at 4:21 pm

"They didn't have altar boys like THAT when I was a priest!"

LionelHutzEsq December 15, 2010 at 4:31 pm

I had to live many years, and, after many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing [in life] is … blonde 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible.

MinAgain December 15, 2010 at 4:33 pm


Of course, he does. Jesus loves the arts.

WhatTheHeck December 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm

The pope is right now installing a new version of Acrobat on his laptop.

ttommyunger December 15, 2010 at 4:41 pm

You will notice his Eichmanness was actually erect at the finale of the performance, which is amazing, considering all the performers were post-pubescent.

problemwithcaring December 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Christmas came early for the Bishop in the back row at 1:39 (and, of course by Christmas, I mean penis.)

Guppy06 December 15, 2010 at 4:52 pm

That leggy brunette who entered with them seems to be loving her job.

Ducksworthy December 15, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Having visited Wonkette on several occasions when I was fooled in watching horrifying videos of right wing nutcases spewing hatred, I decided to read all the comments before watching to determine if it was safe. Now, my gawd, there's the ghastly poopenfuhrer openly leering at this spectacle of simulated homosexual sex. Disgusting old Nazi.

problemwithcaring December 15, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Was the 1991 Vivid Entertainment porn soundtrack added in later just for the lolz? If so, thank you, internet.

Chet Kincaid December 15, 2010 at 5:53 pm

I didn't know the Chippendales offered a more subdued and respectful routine for church functions. What happened to their bow ties?

And good God, put me down for some of that cat suit action, also.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 15, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Ya! I was waiting for her to take off her top.Meeeeeow!

Thedongsofwar December 15, 2010 at 5:57 pm

Man, where did the lady in black go?

GunTotingProgressive December 15, 2010 at 7:33 pm

This is, without a SHADOW of a doubt, the weirdest thing I've seen on the Intertubes in weeks. Also, moar cat-suit plz.

Redhead December 15, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Those acrobats are about 15 years too old for that crowd.

tiger_tree December 15, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Oh, Sully. You can't just post a goofy video of an old clown in the big chair of a decrepit institution that outlived it's usefulness sometime in the 15th century. You have to be, well, Andrew Sullivan and post that dumb title too. You just can't let it stand on it's own, can you?

Maybe I'm reading too much into that but with the whole Sarah Palin baby thing I honestly think that man needs to spend less time on the Internet.

Veritas78 December 15, 2010 at 8:57 pm

PedoPope thinks "They look so old!"

srtykarjsrykjry December 15, 2010 at 9:30 pm

Sell:Ed/POLO tshirt$13,jean$30,handbag$35,jordan shoes$32,coach lv handbag$35,coogi/burberry jean$30 Free shipping!

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AddHomonym December 15, 2010 at 11:14 pm

Cat suit lady 0:08-0:09. NEVER FORGET!

imissopus December 15, 2010 at 11:27 pm

Do you like movies about gladiators?

MiniMencken December 16, 2010 at 12:34 am

Something in His Holiness's eyes tell me he was Brazilian waxing nostalgic.

undeadgoat December 16, 2010 at 12:36 am

Oh Italian men, it is even harder to tell if you are gay than it is with regular pretty boys. :P

P.S. What a short routine, one-trick acrobats, I am disappoint.

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:40 am

You can't even say much about this. It starts off like an honest-to-goodness porno.

I LOVE the look on the woman's face who takes the coats from the guys. It's priceless. Really, what was the point of stripping in the first place, if you were going to hand them off as soon as you met the pope, anyway? lol

P.S. Damn the Brazilians and their beautiful people. Well, at least they are short. At least I have that.

SheriffRoscoe December 16, 2010 at 12:44 am

Those boys can say "the body of Christ" while feeding me the host ANY day.

AddHomonym December 16, 2010 at 1:08 am

They've got the total transubstantiational package, indeed.

assistantatlas December 16, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Nice! I was trying for a "body of Christ" joke but it just wasn't working for me today. Well done, sir.

assistantatlas December 16, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Remember, it's not gay if you're wearing a priest's collar.

daveguy1 December 18, 2010 at 10:46 am

What I want to know is when did the Death Star acquire an enormous marble-clad battle deck for all these popely sem-homoerotic hijinks to take place on?!?

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