they're old enough

Pope Can’t Take His Eyes Off Shirtless ‘Acrobats’

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Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.

And the nuns go wild!

This is all pretty interesting in light of this WikiLeaks cable:

Pope Benedict XVI’s four-day visit to Sao Paulo, the first trip to Latin America of his papacy, was received with popular enthusiasm and saturation media coverage. In his several sermons and other public utterances, the Pope called on the faithful to adhere to Church rules on personal morality and to push back against the materialistic and secular values promoted by the mass media.

Oh, look, surprise! The Pope favors morality and hates secular values. But ripping a bunch of men ripping off their shirts and dancing to porn music? JESUS GIVES IT FOUR STARS! [Andrew Sullivan/WikiLeaks]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • WarAndGee

    Well, dominus vobiscum, eh padre?

  • VeraSevera

    Thank you, Wonkette! This is the best Xmas present ever!

  • smokefilledroommate

    Wow, even the Pope's hat has a boner. And he's not even wearing it.

  • V572625694

    I hope that "cable was classified TOP SECRET Q Crypto Sensitive Compartmented Information No Foreign Dissemination" to protect it, and that its author got an immediate promotion to FSO-4 for his sagacious and valuable insights.

  • DoktorZoom

    Pope Palpatine @ 0:16–" You want this, don't you? The lust is swelling in you now!! Take your Jedi weapon. Use it…work it…Yes…yess…give in to your lussst! With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant."

    • Negropolis

      I love it. Pope Palpatine! lol Yes, yes; release your lust. It makes you stronger!

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    mmmmmm-mmmm – happy birthday jeezy c!

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Those Brazilian altar boys somehow have got der Poopenfuhrer thinking about blowing the horn of Gabriel.

  • prommie

    Ecce homo.

    It had to be said.

    • x111e7thst

      So someone should be whipping these acrobats

      • DoktorZoom

        Somebody's definitely going to be flogging the bishop any moment now…

    • DoktorZoom

      It's raining Popes, hallelujah!

  • SorosBot

    It's OK, there was no lust from the pope or cardinals because these were half-naked adults.

  • V572625694

    They don't call him the Primate of Rome for nothing.

    • DoktorZoom

      Is that a reliquary in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  • OzoneTom

    I can't wait until they bring out the Brazilian she-males.

    • ttommyunger

      Those WERE the Brazilian she-males!

  • OneDollarJuana

    I wonder if the Pope is in line for stem cell therapy.

  • bumfug

    John Boehner watched and wept.

    • bagofmice

      To get the proper religous connotation, along with disturbing imagry:

      And Boehner wept.

  • SexySmurf

    I think the Pope had a flash back to his Hitler Youth days. Also, that chick in the black can hold my coat any day, if you know what I mean.

    • Mahousu

      You notice how the Pope shooed them all off when she returned? Must have been quite a buzz-kill to have a girl show up right in the middle of his fantasy.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Good thing he's allowed to use a condom.

    • Radiotherapy

      You could say his recent Papal Decree (Bull?) covered his ass.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    Let's take this to the rectory, son.

  • SayItWithWookies

    "Mmmm those young acrobats are so smooth and hairless. Oh, and so talented. If anyone has need of us, we will be in our chambers, polishing the scepter."

  • BornInATrailer

    Time for that variation on Saltine Queen we like to call the "Euchawrist."

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I don't think Gregory Peck starred in Ratzi's version of Boys From Brazil.

  • jus_wonderin

    Are the Nuns shaking these guys clothing after it was thrown into the audience?

    • DoktorZoom

      I thought those were Homer Hankies.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      I assumed it was their panties (do they even wear undies or go 'commando', inquiring minds wanna know?)

      • jus_wonderin

        I alway fant….uh, I mean, pictured them has having cast iron unmentionables. And now…………I will burn in Hell.

  • PsycWench

    Now THAT's an Eiffel Tower I could totally get into.

  • RedneckMuslin

    There was that analicious look in the pope's eyes.

  • EdFlintstone

    Man, clicking your heels in ruby red slippers and making a wish works for the pope too.

  • DoktorZoom

    Poor old guy–even after that performance, he's left standing only semi-erect.

  • bitchincamaro2

    At the after-party, they all compared their hairless temples of the Lord.

  • AutomaticPilot

    I believe someone on another thread earlier today said white pants were gay. Oh, wait…

  • mavenmaven

    Its doubly surprising, since i found my eyes following that woman in the black cat suit… how many p-points does it take to get a date with her?

    • forgracie

      I know. I'd hit that so hard the person who pulled me off would be declared the King of England.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      you'll need a LOT more p-ness to hook up with that lovely latina!

  • magic_titty

    Remember y'all, saddlebacking isn't sex. Have at 'em, Pope dude. You'll still be celibate after.

  • slappypaddy

    i remember reading about that in the bible. book of revelations, i think it was. pretty much the way i pictured it, too.

    • DoktorZoom

      If these be the Man-Whores of Babylon, then Party On, I say!

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Not a single dry panty in the church or house, w/e.

  • Radiotherapy

    I can just imagine this world class lecher humming in a gravelly undertone:
    ♪♫ He flies throught the air with the greatest of ease ♪♫

  • SexySmurf

    The beast with four backs.

  • BorderJumper!

    "“Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.”
    Luckily for the Pope, HIV is now curable.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      In Germans.

      • payton

        Actually, in *Americans* receiving the Best Health Care In The World™… um, in Germany.

    • Negropolis

      Now, what cudgel will they use to bash the gays?! Wont' someone think of the homophobes?! Won't ANYONE think of the homophobes?!

  • YasserArraFeck

    King Rat then retired for a few minutes, to work on a little happy ending/final solution of his own….

  • edgydrifter

    Yes, let's take advice on the moral perils of materialism from a guy who lives in an actual fucking castle, who routinely dresses in thirty-eight yards of silk and gold brocade, and who has a closet full of scarlet Pradas.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      I thought only the devil wore Prada…oh, wait a minute?

    • Negropolis

      Pradas ain't the only thing in that closet…

  • Pragmatist2

    "Come back to the Vatican with me and I will show you my DaVinci etchings!"

  • Extemporanus

    That Muslim prayer rug really tied the routine together.

    • DoktorZoom

      At least until the chinaman pissed on it.

      • aguacatero

        Correction: micturated

        Also, Dr., Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.

        • Angry_Marmot

          This isn't a guy who built the railroads here.

  • jus_wonderin

    I can't speak for anybody else here, but I need to see the uncut footage.

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Whad'ya mean? All the guys in that footage were uncut.

  • DoktorZoom

    This looks like a job for…Battle Pope!

  • Steverino247

    "They didn't have altar boys like THAT when I was a priest!"

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I had to live many years, and, after many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing [in life] is … blonde 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible.

  • MinAgain

    JESUS GIVES IT FOUR STARS!

    Of course, he does. Jesus loves the arts.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The pope is right now installing a new version of Acrobat on his laptop.

  • ttommyunger

    You will notice his Eichmanness was actually erect at the finale of the performance, which is amazing, considering all the performers were post-pubescent.

  • problemwithcaring

    Christmas came early for the Bishop in the back row at 1:39 (and, of course by Christmas, I mean penis.)

  • Guppy06

    That leggy brunette who entered with them seems to be loving her job.

  • Ducksworthy

    Having visited Wonkette on several occasions when I was fooled in watching horrifying videos of right wing nutcases spewing hatred, I decided to read all the comments before watching to determine if it was safe. Now, my gawd, there's the ghastly poopenfuhrer openly leering at this spectacle of simulated homosexual sex. Disgusting old Nazi.

  • problemwithcaring

    Was the 1991 Vivid Entertainment porn soundtrack added in later just for the lolz? If so, thank you, internet.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I didn't know the Chippendales offered a more subdued and respectful routine for church functions. What happened to their bow ties?

    And good God, put me down for some of that cat suit action, also.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Ya! I was waiting for her to take off her top.Meeeeeow!

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Man, where did the lady in black go?

  • GunTotingProgressive

    This is, without a SHADOW of a doubt, the weirdest thing I've seen on the Intertubes in weeks. Also, moar cat-suit plz.

  • Redhead

    Those acrobats are about 15 years too old for that crowd.

  • tiger_tree

    Oh, Sully. You can't just post a goofy video of an old clown in the big chair of a decrepit institution that outlived it's usefulness sometime in the 15th century. You have to be, well, Andrew Sullivan and post that dumb title too. You just can't let it stand on it's own, can you?

    Maybe I'm reading too much into that but with the whole Sarah Palin baby thing I honestly think that man needs to spend less time on the Internet.

  • Veritas78

    PedoPope thinks "They look so old!"

  • srtykarjsrykjry

    http://www.qenew.net

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    coach chanel gucci LV handbags $32
    coogi DG edhardy gucci t-shirts $15
    CA edhardy vests.paul smith shoes $35
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    EDhardy gucci ny New Era cap $15
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    (air max, shox tn, rift, puma, dunk sb,) nike jordan shoes 1-24 $32
    edhardy(shoes, tshirts, jeans, caps, watche, handbag) $25
    AF(jeans, coat, hoody, sweater, tshirts)Abercrombie & Fitch $31
    dy jdtukdy dtyjdty

  • AddHomonym

    Cat suit lady 0:08-0:09. NEVER FORGET!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Do you like movies about gladiators?

  • MiniMencken

    Something in His Holiness's eyes tell me he was Brazilian waxing nostalgic.

  • undeadgoat

    Oh Italian men, it is even harder to tell if you are gay than it is with regular pretty boys. :P

    P.S. What a short routine, one-trick acrobats, I am disappoint.

  • Negropolis

    You can't even say much about this. It starts off like an honest-to-goodness porno.

    I LOVE the look on the woman's face who takes the coats from the guys. It's priceless. Really, what was the point of stripping in the first place, if you were going to hand them off as soon as you met the pope, anyway? lol

    P.S. Damn the Brazilians and their beautiful people. Well, at least they are short. At least I have that.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Those boys can say "the body of Christ" while feeding me the host ANY day.

    • AddHomonym

      They've got the total transubstantiational package, indeed.

    • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

      Nice! I was trying for a "body of Christ" joke but it just wasn't working for me today. Well done, sir.

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    Remember, it's not gay if you're wearing a priest's collar.

  • daveguy1

    What I want to know is when did the Death Star acquire an enormous marble-clad battle deck for all these popely sem-homoerotic hijinks to take place on?!?