they're old enough

Pope Can’t Take His Eyes Off Shirtless ‘Acrobats’

Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.

And the nuns go wild!

This is all pretty interesting in light of this WikiLeaks cable:

Pope Benedict XVI’s four-day visit to Sao Paulo, the first trip to Latin America of his papacy, was received with popular enthusiasm and saturation media coverage. In his several sermons and other public utterances, the Pope called on the faithful to adhere to Church rules on personal morality and to push back against the materialistic and secular values promoted by the mass media.

Oh, look, surprise! The Pope favors morality and hates secular values. But ripping a bunch of men ripping off their shirts and dancing to porn music? JESUS GIVES IT FOUR STARS! [Andrew Sullivan/WikiLeaks]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. V572625694

    I hope that "cable was classified TOP SECRET Q Crypto Sensitive Compartmented Information No Foreign Dissemination" to protect it, and that its author got an immediate promotion to FSO-4 for his sagacious and valuable insights.

  2. DoktorZoom

    Pope Palpatine @ 0:16–" You want this, don't you? The lust is swelling in you now!! Take your Jedi weapon. Use it…work it…Yes…yess…give in to your lussst! With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant."

  3. SexySmurf

    I think the Pope had a flash back to his Hitler Youth days. Also, that chick in the black can hold my coat any day, if you know what I mean.

    1. Mahousu

      You notice how the Pope shooed them all off when she returned? Must have been quite a buzz-kill to have a girl show up right in the middle of his fantasy.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    "Mmmm those young acrobats are so smooth and hairless. Oh, and so talented. If anyone has need of us, we will be in our chambers, polishing the scepter."

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I assumed it was their panties (do they even wear undies or go 'commando', inquiring minds wanna know?)

      1. jus_wonderin

        I alway fant….uh, I mean, pictured them has having cast iron unmentionables. And now…………I will burn in Hell.

  5. mavenmaven

    Its doubly surprising, since i found my eyes following that woman in the black cat suit… how many p-points does it take to get a date with her?

  6. slappypaddy

    i remember reading about that in the bible. book of revelations, i think it was. pretty much the way i pictured it, too.

  7. Radiotherapy

    I can just imagine this world class lecher humming in a gravelly undertone:
    ♪♫ He flies throught the air with the greatest of ease ♪♫

  8. BorderJumper!

    "“Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes. Please be gay HIV prostitutes.”
    Luckily for the Pope, HIV is now curable.

    1. Negropolis

      Now, what cudgel will they use to bash the gays?! Wont' someone think of the homophobes?! Won't ANYONE think of the homophobes?!

  9. YasserArraFeck

    King Rat then retired for a few minutes, to work on a little happy ending/final solution of his own….

  10. edgydrifter

    Yes, let's take advice on the moral perils of materialism from a guy who lives in an actual fucking castle, who routinely dresses in thirty-eight yards of silk and gold brocade, and who has a closet full of scarlet Pradas.

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    I had to live many years, and, after many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing [in life] is … blonde 12-year-old girls. Two of them, whenever possible.

  12. ttommyunger

    You will notice his Eichmanness was actually erect at the finale of the performance, which is amazing, considering all the performers were post-pubescent.

  13. problemwithcaring

    Christmas came early for the Bishop in the back row at 1:39 (and, of course by Christmas, I mean penis.)

  14. Ducksworthy

    Having visited Wonkette on several occasions when I was fooled in watching horrifying videos of right wing nutcases spewing hatred, I decided to read all the comments before watching to determine if it was safe. Now, my gawd, there's the ghastly poopenfuhrer openly leering at this spectacle of simulated homosexual sex. Disgusting old Nazi.

  15. problemwithcaring

    Was the 1991 Vivid Entertainment porn soundtrack added in later just for the lolz? If so, thank you, internet.

  16. Chet Kincaid

    I didn't know the Chippendales offered a more subdued and respectful routine for church functions. What happened to their bow ties?

    And good God, put me down for some of that cat suit action, also.

  17. GunTotingProgressive

    This is, without a SHADOW of a doubt, the weirdest thing I've seen on the Intertubes in weeks. Also, moar cat-suit plz.

  18. tiger_tree

    Oh, Sully. You can't just post a goofy video of an old clown in the big chair of a decrepit institution that outlived it's usefulness sometime in the 15th century. You have to be, well, Andrew Sullivan and post that dumb title too. You just can't let it stand on it's own, can you?

    Maybe I'm reading too much into that but with the whole Sarah Palin baby thing I honestly think that man needs to spend less time on the Internet.

  19. srtykarjsrykjry

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    bikini $25
    coach chanel gucci LV handbags $32
    coogi DG edhardy gucci t-shirts $15
    CA edhardy vests.paul smith shoes $35
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    EDhardy gucci ny New Era cap $15
    coach okely CHANEL DG Sunglass $16
    (air max, shox tn, rift, puma, dunk sb,) nike jordan shoes 1-24 $32
    edhardy(shoes, tshirts, jeans, caps, watche, handbag) $25
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  20. undeadgoat

    Oh Italian men, it is even harder to tell if you are gay than it is with regular pretty boys. :P

    P.S. What a short routine, one-trick acrobats, I am disappoint.

  21. Negropolis

    You can't even say much about this. It starts off like an honest-to-goodness porno.

    I LOVE the look on the woman's face who takes the coats from the guys. It's priceless. Really, what was the point of stripping in the first place, if you were going to hand them off as soon as you met the pope, anyway? lol

    P.S. Damn the Brazilians and their beautiful people. Well, at least they are short. At least I have that.

  22. daveguy1

    What I want to know is when did the Death Star acquire an enormous marble-clad battle deck for all these popely sem-homoerotic hijinks to take place on?!?

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