EVIL CONFOUNDS  2:16 pm December 15, 2010

Halliburton Paying $250 Million To Nigeria For Dick Cheney Bribery

by Jack Stuef

He IS the freezer.Halliburton has agreed to pay a $250 million fine to Nigeria after the country brought bribery charges against the corporation’s former CEO, revered and forthright statesman Dick Cheney, and nine others, for their dealings in the 1990s. So yes, the old adage is true: There are no bribery-related legal problems that can’t be solved with a little bribing. Anyway, there are a few other countries we know of that probably would like to charge Dick Cheney for committing crimes against them. The good news is that they may actually be able to get some money out of this Hero of Democratic Values with no pulse.

The bribes are said to have amounted to $180 million between 1994 and 2004.

The firm pleaded guilty to foreign bribery charges in the United States last year and paid a $402 million criminal fine, the U.S. Justice Department said. KBR and Halliburton also paid $177 million to settle civil complaints related to the bribery, the Justice Department said. [...]

Many observers in Nigeria regard the move as a publicity stunt by the commission ahead of national elections in April and as a symbolic effort to display resolve against government corruption.

Stupid Nigeria. If you had actually detained Cheney and asked him for advice, he would have told you that the way to win national elections is to wage an unjustified and costly war on the other side of the world, one that nonetheless wins you the loyalty of your people for a window of time.

Over 250 fine citizens have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. But how many of them can say they’ve been indicted on bribery charges? Probably just this fucker.

We keep thinking we’ve written the last post about him before he dies. Nope. Never going to happen. [CNN]

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Hola wonkerados.

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BTWBFDIMHO December 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Wow, he looks sick, but is he really suffering? Gracias, Virgen María Santísima.

jodyleek December 15, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Evil never dies or goes out of fashion, unfortunately.

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 2:21 pm

All those fines together probably equal about 1% of the money Halliburton managed to steal from the US military and Iraq.

harry_palmer December 15, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Gotten through their corrupt govenrnment connections. See Cheney, Dick.

Terry December 15, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Not to mention crooked oil field deals like Nigeria.

Recall also that Halliburton was the subcontractor to BP that was supposed to be putting cement down the Deepwater Horizon well when it blew up.

Dashboard_Jesus December 15, 2010 at 11:49 pm

my first thought exactly!

Lucidamente1 December 15, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Holbrooke has a ruptured aorta and is dead three days later. Cheney's still here. Better doctors, or devil worship?

freakishlywrong December 15, 2010 at 2:25 pm

A steady diet of sweet, fresh babies and hatred helps.

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:35 am

And, don't forget the harvesting of souls. He's got an app for that, even.

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm

It's because he's more machine now than man; twisted and evil.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Thing is, I can't really believe that Cheney was ever not aligned with the Dark Side. On the other hand, I can totally accept that, as a child, he may have been played by Jake Lloyd, the Worst Child Actor of All Time.

chickensmack December 15, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Christine O'Donnell. She says she's not a witch…

GuyClinch December 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Dang it, man, I'd much rather see him spend his final days in a Lagos prison. I imagine he'd feel a wee-bit uncomfortable in such a very, very urban environment.

zhubajie December 15, 2010 at 6:46 pm

Maybe he can have Fela Kuti's cell!

user-of-owls December 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I can think of no other Dick that I'd rather see duped by a Nigerian scammer.

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Actually, I'd say Dick was the inside man Halliburton and Achmed Chalabi used to run history's biggest Nigerian scam on the US Government.

V572625694 December 15, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Chalabi was a stone genius at peddling info. He'd tell the Iranians Saddam had WMDs. Our spies would hear it from Iranians, and verify it with…Chalabi! Did he ever get his well-deserved minister-level job with the new Iraqi government?

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Only briefly; he basically got kicked out once the Iraqis were allowed some say in their own government. Strangely, it turned out he wasn't the great hero to the Iraqi people he and the neocons kept claiming he was.

Dashboard_Jesus December 15, 2010 at 11:52 pm

you mean that fucker hasn't been assassinated YET?

OneDollarJuana December 15, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Stupid Nigeria. If they'd just corralled Cheney and stepped on his heart-pump hose a weensy bit, they could've gotten more than $25 million. If they had stepped a little harder I bet they could have named their price.

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2010 at 2:26 pm

So Halliburton's being fined $25M for giving Nigeria $180M? Can you imagine what the fine would have been if Halliburton had……I dunno…..shot Nigeria in the face?

jus_wonderin December 15, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Nigeria would apologize for having gotten shot in the face.

axmxz December 15, 2010 at 2:57 pm

They would've been ordered to shoot it again in the ass, presumably.

harry_palmer December 15, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Haliburton has $25 million in the petty caash drawer. The big money's buried in the vault where they keep Dick.

KochFembot December 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Are you a gummint in need of extra munnies? Here's what ya do:

1. Take a close look at any dealings your gummint has had with Halliburton/KBR/Blackwater/Xe
2. Threaten to drag either monster (Cheney or Prince) into the daylight
3. Settle for big $$$$ (and, of course, PROFIT!!!11!!!)

An_Outhouse December 15, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Obama and Dems, observe Nigeria. This is how its done.

chickensmack December 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm

On the other hand, if he takes up Nigerian business practices, Obama will surely never lose the "born African" albatross.

HistoriCat December 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Like he has a chance in hell of ever actually losing it.

Dashboard_Jesus December 16, 2010 at 12:40 am

naw, it's only KENYANS they hate, but da Nigerian bidnessmans dey LUVS!

johnnyzhivago December 15, 2010 at 2:29 pm

If Dick Cheney had not been born with no shame he surely would have lost it by now.

nounverb911 December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

It was Cheney that was born in Nigeria?

V572625694 December 15, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Let's see the you-know-what!

But really it was Wyoming. Nigeria, corrupt and decadent as it has become (thanks, Resource Curse!) is not evil enough to contain Cheney. Or Cheeeneey, as Tweetie calls him.

DahBoner December 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Che-knee is French.

The Cheese Eatting Surrender Monkeys planted a French man to destroy America from the Inside…

x111e7thst December 15, 2010 at 2:29 pm

There is a certain irony in being fined for corrupt practices by Nigeria.
Still not as good as finding Mr Cheney lying in a ditch, burning briskly, and having to piss on him to put out the fire.

GuyClinch December 15, 2010 at 2:36 pm

And we would put the fire out *why*, exactly?

bflrtsplk December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Why piss on him, when we could all just stand there and watch. Ouch!

ulTIMum December 15, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Remember "putting out the fire" of a burning corpse is just how we got into Vietnam. Burn, baby, burn, I say.

SmutBoffin December 15, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I say they should ask the stockholders to vote on it. "Pay out $25M for that jackass?! Fuck no!"

Oldskool_ December 15, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Haha, insert Les Grossman dialogue here.

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Fear will keep the stockholders in line. Fear of a shotgun to the face.

BeWoot December 15, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Taking a bribe to accept a bribe. Somebody sign me up for that baksheesh circle jerk, please.

slappypaddy December 15, 2010 at 3:24 pm

got oil? if so, have a seat.

horsedreamer_1 December 15, 2010 at 2:37 pm

This money should fund about 250,000 direct-to-video Nigerian digital films.

seppdecker December 15, 2010 at 2:38 pm

I would tell Nigeria, if you think you made a good deal with Dick Cheney, first check in on your loved ones, check your wallet, count all your extremities, and have a friend examine your back for kidney-extraction scars.

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Those Nigerians aren't fools — it's actually $250 million, after they asked for $500. It's too bad that negotiating tactic of asking for more than you want and then settling for what you want never reached Kenya.

Dashboard_Jesus December 16, 2010 at 12:43 am

ouch, the truth hurtz!

freakishlywrong December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

"Pulses don't matter".

transfatz December 16, 2010 at 1:22 am

"Reagan proved that".

fuflans December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

HA! The nation most known for scamming was out-scammed by our VP and prominent gov't contractors.


savethispatient December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

" the way to win national elections is to wage an unjustified and costly war on the other side of the world"
The only problem with that is that a country on the other side of the world from Nigeria is the US. Quick, to the fallout shelters!

PsycWench December 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

There's a Nigerian prince that would like to help you get that money back.

BeWoot December 15, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Cool. I'm expecting another email from my Nigerian banker friend any day now.

PsycWench December 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Let's cut out the middle man. I am a Virginia princess who is trying to take ten million dollars out of the state because, why not. I need help from someone from another state because those are the rules in Virginia. If you can send me cash for fifty thousand dollars as a guarantee, when I get my ten million I'll split it with you. In fact, I'll split it with all of you, providing you send that fifty thousand.

chickensmack December 15, 2010 at 3:13 pm

is this a Niginian scam?

Dashboard_Jesus December 16, 2010 at 12:45 am

oh sure Princess I believe but Virgin, never! (oh wait, never mind…)

Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 4:37 am

Pochahontas, that you?

a2a369 December 16, 2010 at 4:55 pm

There is a wall street banker that would grow your 401K and turn your home into your retirement nest egg………….

chickensmack December 15, 2010 at 2:40 pm

All they had to do was delete that email from RIGHT HON. GEORGES DU PARDIER, but noooo….

VespulaMaculata December 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Yeah, he looks awful, but we're not kids anymore, so let's be careful about getting tricked into getting our hopes up.

inapewetrust December 15, 2010 at 2:46 pm

government needs to get out of the way of small businesses like halliburton so that they can bribe our economy back on track

SudsMcKenzie December 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm

I only have two Google Alerts;

1. Trig-Spaceship
2. Cheney-Dead

Come here a minute December 15, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Sadly, Cheney-Dead keeps alerting on "Cheney Still Not Dead".

AutomaticPilot December 15, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that or my monitor would never recover. Still chuckling like 5 minutes later.

Dashboard_Jesus December 16, 2010 at 12:49 am

hah, too late for me…another mouthful of perfectly good wine all over my 'puter screen!

SudsMcKenzie December 16, 2010 at 4:04 am


slithytoves December 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm

This month, the commission charged Cheney — who ran Halliburton in the 1990s — and nine others with "conspiracy and distribution of gratification to public officials."

So Cheney and Haliburton ran a child pornography ring. Jesus, are there no depths to which he would not sink?

NewtsChicknNeck December 15, 2010 at 5:10 pm

probably not…it was later revealed they were snuff films.

ttommyunger December 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm

I want to take this opportunity to thank Wonkette for once again posting that wonderful picture of Brother Cheney. Seeing him, frail, sickly, shriveled and with that freshly-trapped animal look in his eyes puts a smile on my face that Octagon Soap can't take off.

MiniMencken December 15, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Dude! You remember Octagon soap? Coolio!

Wadisay December 15, 2010 at 2:48 pm

I bet they found the $25 million in the sofa at HQ.

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2010 at 2:49 pm

So this where the Nigerian Prince got the money that he put into my bank account.

Radiotherapy December 15, 2010 at 2:50 pm

You dumb libtards, for the sake and security of this country: It's not bribery, it's "enhanced financial transactions."

DahBoner December 15, 2010 at 3:00 pm

It used to be illegal for US companies to pay bribes to foreign countries?

Dick Cheney changed all that.

Two words.

"Ass fucking".

4TheTurnstiles December 15, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Related pipe dreams: when do we get to put Jeffrey Sachs and the rest of the neoliberal cabal on trial for economic terrorism?

Ducandy December 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

That would not be Jewdicial.

DahBoner December 15, 2010 at 2:56 pm

"Over 250 fine citizens have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom."

Ah, the Good Ole Days, back when Dick Cheney used to give Presidential Medals of Freedom to Jeff Gannon in the White House Romper room for "Ass Fucking"…

bumfug December 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Actually, they said they were giving US $250-million but asked for $25-million in good faith money before they sent it.

LionelHutzEsq December 15, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Nigeria might have gotten some money out of Haliburton, but will that return the souls to the children that Cheney feasted on? I think not.

Katydid December 15, 2010 at 3:13 pm

OT, but on the idea of corruption:

Judge Henry Hudson owns a chunk of a GOP consulting firm that VA's DA contributed money to, and that helped elect the teabaggers who are opposed to the healthcare bill on constitutional grounds. The bastard has collected between $32,000 to $108,000 in shares from dividends from the firm.


4TheTurnstiles December 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Good thing he's not advancing the Homosexual Agenda, 'cause then he'd be all Judicial Activism-ing.

DoktorZoom December 15, 2010 at 3:24 pm

God, you libruls are so obsessed with picky little details. It's not like he once served on a board with someone who was a radical 40 years ago, or once said that he came close to thinking ill of someone because they were white, but didn't. This is just money.

Come here a minute December 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm

How long must we wait for the Nigerian government to apologize to Dick Cheney?

MinAgain December 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I just know he has a big, black, shiny helmet tucked away in a closet somewhere, waiting for the time when someone chucks him into a volcano.

slappypaddy December 15, 2010 at 3:19 pm

the cost of doing business with ol' dead man walking.

Extemporanus December 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

$25 million?!

Jesus Christ, the commercialization of Kwanzaa has gotten completely out of hand.

JoshuaNorton December 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

From the Lost Prophecies of Nostradamus:

Tears, cries and laments, howls, terror,
Heart inhuman, cruel, black and chilly,
Callous monster, pain and weeping
Richard Bruce ‘Dick’ Cheney

JustPixelz December 15, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Of course Nigeria will have to send some money to Halliburton for court fees so bank will be able to release the funds.

WarAndGee December 15, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Can you imagine the conservative flatulence spewing forth from FOX news and Right-wad radio had this been a Democrat.

Here is how this shit would go down.

"Yees, you see folks, this is another example of weak moral character. Bribery is one of the main characteristics of liber-ah-lism which is eroding our very quality of life.

Isn't the government itself bribery.

Aren't we bribing people to live on welfare?

Aren't we bribing teachers to hate our children by teaching them to use condoms.

Aren't we bribing everyone to believe the hoax that is global warming.

Aren't we bribing the American public to accept terrorists at our 9/11 memorials.

Let me give you a demonstration. Do you see this frog and this $10.00 bill? I'm going to bribe this frog with this money to jump in this boiling water.

My friends our founding fathers came here to escape the tyranny of bribery."

hagajim December 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm

And for Dick it will go something like this – bowing to pressure from the Democrat President Nigeria forced Dick Cheney's Halliburton to pay extortion money for perfectly legal efforts awhile ago.

Either that or O'Reilly will call the Nigerian government pinheads. Maybe both.

bitchincamaro2 December 15, 2010 at 3:27 pm

FYI: the American soldier killed by the KBR "electrical" shower is still dead.

Dashboard_Jesus December 16, 2010 at 12:55 am

fuckers, thanks for reminding me just how evil these bastards are…

MiniMencken December 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

I am writing to you today because you have been recommended to me as a person of good character. I am the widow of General Sani Abacha, who was the President of Nigeria. My husband died of an overdose of Viagra he downed in anticipation of taking on a squadron of night fighters. Perhaps you can feed some to that loathsome insect who was your acting leader for eight years. We here in Nigeria would love to see a video of such an event.
Yours in Christ Jesus,
Mariam Abacha

WarAndGee December 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Would like to give you at least 3 more "thumbs up" for this but this is a democracy… unless…I could bribe the folks at Intense Debate.

BornInATrailer December 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Punishment for bribery is a fine. I'm not a legal scholar but this seems to be lacking somewhat in the deterrent department.

hagajim December 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Wow! This fuckin' Cheney guy has more lives than O.J. I guess this makes it pretty clear that if you're a corporation you can fuck over, kill, destroy, bribe, lie, cheat and steal – and it might cost you a fine of less than 10% of your annual profits. What kind of shitass bullshit! There are very few people in the world who I wish would just die and leave the world a better place and Dick is atop that list with Grover Norquist.

philpjfry December 15, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Wouldn't $250 million buy the whole crappy country of Nigeria?

NewtsChicknNeck December 15, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Cheney's grave remains the most ready of the "shovel-ready" projects just outside of Cheyenne (Rumor is they are also considering the "Green Option," i.e. his carcass is shoved down a refurbished dry oil well in West Texas originally drilled by Kid Bush).

zhubajie December 15, 2010 at 6:51 pm

He'd have to be screwed in, wouldn't he?

BklynIlluminati December 15, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Yeah whatevs…..look under the cushions on the couch in the minion lounge Nigeria.

MadBrahms December 15, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Nigeria indicting you for corruption is like Motley Crue telling you your cocaine habit has gotten out of control, but I guess his Dickness is just evil enough to get them to take a break from running 419 scams and slap some charges in there.

a2a369 December 16, 2010 at 4:28 pm

I think the events of the past 10 years with Wall Street Crimes, Enron, Worldcom and all the various Ponzi schemes like Madoff confirm that the US it the king of corruption. If you live in glass house …………. The whole US economic system is the biggest ponzi scheme of all – slowly unraveling – 10% unemployment is just the start, the printing of money and all the lies of the Demoncrats and Repugnicants on the gullible masses are about to be exposed when the world stops accepting depreciating dollars.

fartknocker December 15, 2010 at 5:45 pm

No snark here because I've attended seminars on the Foreign Corruption Practices Act (FPCA). It's a pretty severe law because DOJ can go after your personnel assets. But Dick, being a dick, probably told DOJ to fuck themselves just like he told the Democrats. I am not suprised.

Karma is warming up for her best performance, which will be the collapse of old Dick's asshole and requiring him to be on permanent catheters. Shitbags for a shitbag, if you will.

cheaphits December 16, 2010 at 7:10 am

Yeah, but Haliburton is not an American company, they are now based out of Dubai.

After years of scamming the U.S. government from New Orleans to Saudi Arabia and back, they don't want to have to contend with U.S. lawsuits. And good luck suing Haliburton in Dubai…let me know how that works out for ya.

It changes the game – these are not nice people, I will join your "Shitbags for a Shitbag Club". Do you have a newsletter?

Bluestatelibel December 15, 2010 at 7:13 pm

Dick always seem to get bailed out at the last minute…Satan's going to have a hell of a time collecting on his soul one day.

lulzmonger December 15, 2010 at 9:25 pm

Cheney's response: "So?"

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Negropolis December 16, 2010 at 12:36 am

All Nigera had to do was send out some emails from a widowed African princess, who for a small payment, will pay your back tenfold when you help her access her bequethed fortune…

EDIT: Damn, I know it is late, and someone would have aready done this, but it still hurts.

transfatz December 16, 2010 at 1:30 am

Double dipping genius. You haven't been shaken down until you are shaken down Nigerian style.

KochFembot December 16, 2010 at 9:11 am

Let him eat yellowcake.

a2a369 December 16, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Dick Cheney is a National hero – at least he has convictions and sticks by them.

sitkajo December 16, 2010 at 5:27 pm

I cannot beleiev that all you so called humorists are missing the most obvious gag which is just sitting there in plain site (in your email inbox). Simply open one of those Nigerian scam letters and substitute VP Cheney for crown princess of Nigeria and replace bank account with bribe monies (and or fine) and repost…voila! Instant snark, irony and satire!

Well I have provided the recipe you guys go to it.

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