evil confounds

Halliburton Paying $250 Million To Nigeria For Dick Cheney Bribery

He IS the freezer.Halliburton has agreed to pay a $250 million fine to Nigeria after the country brought bribery charges against the corporation’s former CEO, revered and forthright statesman Dick Cheney, and nine others, for their dealings in the 1990s. So yes, the old adage is true: There are no bribery-related legal problems that can’t be solved with a little bribing. Anyway, there are a few other countries we know of that probably would like to charge Dick Cheney for committing crimes against them. The good news is that they may actually be able to get some money out of this Hero of Democratic Values with no pulse.

The bribes are said to have amounted to $180 million between 1994 and 2004.

The firm pleaded guilty to foreign bribery charges in the United States last year and paid a $402 million criminal fine, the U.S. Justice Department said. KBR and Halliburton also paid $177 million to settle civil complaints related to the bribery, the Justice Department said. [...]

Many observers in Nigeria regard the move as a publicity stunt by the commission ahead of national elections in April and as a symbolic effort to display resolve against government corruption.

Stupid Nigeria. If you had actually detained Cheney and asked him for advice, he would have told you that the way to win national elections is to wage an unjustified and costly war on the other side of the world, one that nonetheless wins you the loyalty of your people for a window of time.

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Over 250 fine citizens have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. But how many of them can say they’ve been indicted on bribery charges? Probably just this fucker.

We keep thinking we’ve written the last post about him before he dies. Nope. Never going to happen. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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111 comments

  1. SorosBot

    All those fines together probably equal about 1% of the money Halliburton managed to steal from the US military and Iraq.

    1. Terry

      Not to mention crooked oil field deals like Nigeria.

      Recall also that Halliburton was the subcontractor to BP that was supposed to be putting cement down the Deepwater Horizon well when it blew up.

  2. Lucidamente1

    Holbrooke has a ruptured aorta and is dead three days later. Cheney's still here. Better doctors, or devil worship?

      1. DoktorZoom

        Thing is, I can't really believe that Cheney was ever not aligned with the Dark Side. On the other hand, I can totally accept that, as a child, he may have been played by Jake Lloyd, the Worst Child Actor of All Time.

  3. GuyClinch

    Dang it, man, I'd much rather see him spend his final days in a Lagos prison. I imagine he'd feel a wee-bit uncomfortable in such a very, very urban environment.

    1. SorosBot

      Actually, I'd say Dick was the inside man Halliburton and Achmed Chalabi used to run history's biggest Nigerian scam on the US Government.

      1. V572625694

        Chalabi was a stone genius at peddling info. He'd tell the Iranians Saddam had WMDs. Our spies would hear it from Iranians, and verify it with…Chalabi! Did he ever get his well-deserved minister-level job with the new Iraqi government?

        1. SorosBot

          Only briefly; he basically got kicked out once the Iraqis were allowed some say in their own government. Strangely, it turned out he wasn't the great hero to the Iraqi people he and the neocons kept claiming he was.

  4. OneDollarJuana

    Stupid Nigeria. If they'd just corralled Cheney and stepped on his heart-pump hose a weensy bit, they could've gotten more than $25 million. If they had stepped a little harder I bet they could have named their price.

  5. YasserArraFeck

    So Halliburton's being fined $25M for giving Nigeria $180M? Can you imagine what the fine would have been if Halliburton had……I dunno…..shot Nigeria in the face?

  6. KochFembot

    Are you a gummint in need of extra munnies? Here's what ya do:

    1. Take a close look at any dealings your gummint has had with Halliburton/KBR/Blackwater/Xe
    2. Threaten to drag either monster (Cheney or Prince) into the daylight
    3. Settle for big $$$$ (and, of course, PROFIT!!!11!!!)

      1. chickensmack

        On the other hand, if he takes up Nigerian business practices, Obama will surely never lose the "born African" albatross.

      1. V572625694

        Let's see the you-know-what!

        But really it was Wyoming. Nigeria, corrupt and decadent as it has become (thanks, Resource Curse!) is not evil enough to contain Cheney. Or Cheeeneey, as Tweetie calls him.

      2. DahBoner

        Che-knee is French.

        The Cheese Eatting Surrender Monkeys planted a French man to destroy America from the Inside…

  7. x111e7thst

    There is a certain irony in being fined for corrupt practices by Nigeria.
    Still not as good as finding Mr Cheney lying in a ditch, burning briskly, and having to piss on him to put out the fire.

  8. seppdecker

    I would tell Nigeria, if you think you made a good deal with Dick Cheney, first check in on your loved ones, check your wallet, count all your extremities, and have a friend examine your back for kidney-extraction scars.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Those Nigerians aren't fools — it's actually $250 million, after they asked for $500. It's too bad that negotiating tactic of asking for more than you want and then settling for what you want never reached Kenya.

  10. fuflans

    HA! The nation most known for scamming was out-scammed by our VP and prominent gov't contractors.

    USA! USA!! USA!!!

  11. savethispatient

    " the way to win national elections is to wage an unjustified and costly war on the other side of the world"
    The only problem with that is that a country on the other side of the world from Nigeria is the US. Quick, to the fallout shelters!

      1. PsycWench

        Let's cut out the middle man. I am a Virginia princess who is trying to take ten million dollars out of the state because, why not. I need help from someone from another state because those are the rules in Virginia. If you can send me cash for fifty thousand dollars as a guarantee, when I get my ten million I'll split it with you. In fact, I'll split it with all of you, providing you send that fifty thousand.

    1. a2a369

      There is a wall street banker that would grow your 401K and turn your home into your retirement nest egg………….

  12. VespulaMaculata

    Yeah, he looks awful, but we're not kids anymore, so let's be careful about getting tricked into getting our hopes up.

    1. AutomaticPilot

      Good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that or my monitor would never recover. Still chuckling like 5 minutes later.

  13. slithytoves

    This month, the commission charged Cheney — who ran Halliburton in the 1990s — and nine others with "conspiracy and distribution of gratification to public officials."

    So Cheney and Haliburton ran a child pornography ring. Jesus, are there no depths to which he would not sink?

  14. ttommyunger

    I want to take this opportunity to thank Wonkette for once again posting that wonderful picture of Brother Cheney. Seeing him, frail, sickly, shriveled and with that freshly-trapped animal look in his eyes puts a smile on my face that Octagon Soap can't take off.

  15. Radiotherapy

    You dumb libtards, for the sake and security of this country: It's not bribery, it's "enhanced financial transactions."

    1. DahBoner

      It used to be illegal for US companies to pay bribes to foreign countries?

      Dick Cheney changed all that.

      Two words.

      "Ass fucking".

  16. DahBoner

    "Over 250 fine citizens have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom."

    Ah, the Good Ole Days, back when Dick Cheney used to give Presidential Medals of Freedom to Jeff Gannon in the White House Romper room for "Ass Fucking"…

  17. bumfug

    Actually, they said they were giving US $250-million but asked for $25-million in good faith money before they sent it.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Nigeria might have gotten some money out of Haliburton, but will that return the souls to the children that Cheney feasted on? I think not.

  19. Katydid

    OT, but on the idea of corruption:

    Judge Henry Hudson owns a chunk of a GOP consulting firm that VA's DA contributed money to, and that helped elect the teabaggers who are opposed to the healthcare bill on constitutional grounds. The bastard has collected between $32,000 to $108,000 in shares from dividends from the firm.

    Yay.

    1. DoktorZoom

      God, you libruls are so obsessed with picky little details. It's not like he once served on a board with someone who was a radical 40 years ago, or once said that he came close to thinking ill of someone because they were white, but didn't. This is just money.

  20. MinAgain

    I just know he has a big, black, shiny helmet tucked away in a closet somewhere, waiting for the time when someone chucks him into a volcano.

  21. JoshuaNorton

    From the Lost Prophecies of Nostradamus:

    Tears, cries and laments, howls, terror,
    Heart inhuman, cruel, black and chilly,
    Callous monster, pain and weeping
    Richard Bruce ‘Dick’ Cheney

  22. JustPixelz

    Of course Nigeria will have to send some money to Halliburton for court fees so bank will be able to release the funds.

  23. WarAndGee

    Can you imagine the conservative flatulence spewing forth from FOX news and Right-wad radio had this been a Democrat.

    Here is how this shit would go down.

    "Yees, you see folks, this is another example of weak moral character. Bribery is one of the main characteristics of liber-ah-lism which is eroding our very quality of life.

    Isn't the government itself bribery.

    Aren't we bribing people to live on welfare?

    Aren't we bribing teachers to hate our children by teaching them to use condoms.

    Aren't we bribing everyone to believe the hoax that is global warming.

    Aren't we bribing the American public to accept terrorists at our 9/11 memorials.

    Let me give you a demonstration. Do you see this frog and this $10.00 bill? I'm going to bribe this frog with this money to jump in this boiling water.

    My friends our founding fathers came here to escape the tyranny of bribery."

    1. hagajim

      And for Dick it will go something like this – bowing to pressure from the Democrat President Nigeria forced Dick Cheney's Halliburton to pay extortion money for perfectly legal efforts awhile ago.

      Either that or O'Reilly will call the Nigerian government pinheads. Maybe both.

  24. MiniMencken

    I am writing to you today because you have been recommended to me as a person of good character. I am the widow of General Sani Abacha, who was the President of Nigeria. My husband died of an overdose of Viagra he downed in anticipation of taking on a squadron of night fighters. Perhaps you can feed some to that loathsome insect who was your acting leader for eight years. We here in Nigeria would love to see a video of such an event.
    Yours in Christ Jesus,
    Mariam Abacha

    1. WarAndGee

      Would like to give you at least 3 more "thumbs up" for this but this is a democracy… unless…I could bribe the folks at Intense Debate.

  25. BornInATrailer

    Punishment for bribery is a fine. I'm not a legal scholar but this seems to be lacking somewhat in the deterrent department.

  26. hagajim

    Wow! This fuckin' Cheney guy has more lives than O.J. I guess this makes it pretty clear that if you're a corporation you can fuck over, kill, destroy, bribe, lie, cheat and steal – and it might cost you a fine of less than 10% of your annual profits. What kind of shitass bullshit! There are very few people in the world who I wish would just die and leave the world a better place and Dick is atop that list with Grover Norquist.

  27. NewtsChicknNeck

    Cheney's grave remains the most ready of the "shovel-ready" projects just outside of Cheyenne (Rumor is they are also considering the "Green Option," i.e. his carcass is shoved down a refurbished dry oil well in West Texas originally drilled by Kid Bush).

  28. MadBrahms

    Nigeria indicting you for corruption is like Motley Crue telling you your cocaine habit has gotten out of control, but I guess his Dickness is just evil enough to get them to take a break from running 419 scams and slap some charges in there.

    1. a2a369

      I think the events of the past 10 years with Wall Street Crimes, Enron, Worldcom and all the various Ponzi schemes like Madoff confirm that the US it the king of corruption. If you live in glass house …………. The whole US economic system is the biggest ponzi scheme of all – slowly unraveling – 10% unemployment is just the start, the printing of money and all the lies of the Demoncrats and Repugnicants on the gullible masses are about to be exposed when the world stops accepting depreciating dollars.

  29. fartknocker

    No snark here because I've attended seminars on the Foreign Corruption Practices Act (FPCA). It's a pretty severe law because DOJ can go after your personnel assets. But Dick, being a dick, probably told DOJ to fuck themselves just like he told the Democrats. I am not suprised.

    Karma is warming up for her best performance, which will be the collapse of old Dick's asshole and requiring him to be on permanent catheters. Shitbags for a shitbag, if you will.

    1. cheaphits

      Yeah, but Haliburton is not an American company, they are now based out of Dubai.

      After years of scamming the U.S. government from New Orleans to Saudi Arabia and back, they don't want to have to contend with U.S. lawsuits. And good luck suing Haliburton in Dubai…let me know how that works out for ya.

      It changes the game – these are not nice people, I will join your "Shitbags for a Shitbag Club". Do you have a newsletter?

  30. Bluestatelibel

    Dick always seem to get bailed out at the last minute…Satan's going to have a hell of a time collecting on his soul one day.

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  32. Negropolis

    All Nigera had to do was send out some emails from a widowed African princess, who for a small payment, will pay your back tenfold when you help her access her bequethed fortune…

    EDIT: Damn, I know it is late, and someone would have aready done this, but it still hurts.

  33. sitkajo

    I cannot beleiev that all you so called humorists are missing the most obvious gag which is just sitting there in plain site (in your email inbox). Simply open one of those Nigerian scam letters and substitute VP Cheney for crown princess of Nigeria and replace bank account with bribe monies (and or fine) and repost…voila! Instant snark, irony and satire!

    Well I have provided the recipe you guys go to it.

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