do it yourself dick

UPDATED: Jim DeMint Continues Reign As King Obstructionist

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) will force readings of both a nuclear arms treaty and $1.1 trillion spending bill that could eat up hours of the remaining lame-duck Congress.

DeMint will invoke a senatorial privilege to ask that texts of both the New START Treaty and the 2011 omnibus spending bill be read aloud on the Senate floor.

The readings could take seven to 12 hours to verbalize the START Treaty, while the omnibus could take 40 to 60 hours, according to a spokesman for DeMint.

The solution, of course, is to have like 5,000 people in the chamber each reading one page simultaneously. Or for Harry Reid to just let out one loud yelp and tell his colleagues that he said the entirety of these things in only one second. PROVE IT, DEMINT.

UPDATE: DeMint has apparently called it all off. Why? Is this sort of thing going to suddenly start looking bad for the Republicans? [The Hill]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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78 comments

    1. Not_So_Much

      Nah, he'd use that whole southern, lazy-mouth retarded thing to never get past the first page.

      They need to hire 2 folks: a speed-reader, then a burly guy that takes each page read and stuffs it up DeMint's ass so he is fully aware of the progress and may reach a point where he allows (begs for?) it to stop.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Reid actually had teams of speed readers on call for the health care and other bills. The crammers are a new twist, but I like where you are going with this. Get a few MMA castoffs – they could be the secular answer to those psycho Power Team guys who tear up phone books for Jeebus.

  1. V572625694

    Bernie Saunders would like them to read Finnegan's Wake instead, as a point of privilege. Because it would be awesome.

  2. obfuscator2

    aren't the the same fucking assholes whining about secular grinch harry reid making them work on jesus's birfday?

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Reid should allow the reading on condition that the Senate session be extended by an amount equal to the time it takes to read the bills. Also, Al Franken should shit in DeMint's chair and DeMint should be forced to sit in it for the length of the reading. Also, the American people should be invited to come up and piss on DeMint whie he's sitting there… I can keep coming up with cool ideas for this reading all day long!

    1. V572625694

      Could we put DeMint's chair right under the edge of the gallery so we can just trickle down on him without getting too close to the stink?

    2. DoktorZoom

      I'm torn–I like this idea, but I feel morally bound by my earlier statement that I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      I'm liking the way this goes – especially if everyone gets Asparagus an hour before they get to the head of the pee line, and Franken had a healthy meal of covered hot dish with corn and beans.

  4. ArmoredBore

    As the Godwrights have proclaimed: "Haphae-lad lodash vo maladin!" (roughly translates from Celestial tongues as "Fuck y'all bitch-ass mothafuckas!")

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I regret that I have but one thumb up to give to this comment–one of the greatest in the History of the Wonkette.

    2. metamarcisf

      How could something as complex as evolution have had time to happen? The earth is only 6,014 years old as of Oct. 23. I realize that not everyone agrees with this but this is America and we have to give equal time for opposing viewpoints. Like when Foxnews invites liberals on to their shows.

  5. mumbly_joe

    So, predictably enough, now that Obama "compromised" by destroying the budget forever to give Republicans their tax cuts for billionaires that were passed mostly to burn up the budget surplus completely without doing anyone any good (soon: Republicans to call for the repeal of education funding because deficits), and now Republicans are turning around and making sure nothing else happens anyway, just like they threatened to do if they didn't get their shitty, pointless, regressive, and debt-financed tax cuts. Bipartisanship!

    Hey guys, remember back during the primaries and the general election, when Obama seemingly effortlessly out-maneuvered both the politically seasoned Clinton, and then McCain campaigns? Ever miss those days?

    1. V572625694

      When you see what great benefits inherited wealth provides to society at large, it begins to seem like an inheritance tax of about, say, 120 percent would be right: 100 percent because your worthless kids are going to spend your $$ on hookers'n'blow anyway, and 20 percent for the disruption caused by your antisocial accretion of ill-gotten gains.

    1. PsycWench

      Only if that someone also read 'The Chanukah Guest". The story of a blind old lady feeding a half-asleep bear latkes just seems appropriate to me.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I actually had opposing counsel use that one in closing arguments once (my client had terminated his clients but enforced the non-compete in the contract, so we were horrible). It didn't go over all that well, especially with the preachy Christian dude.

  6. SorosBot

    Still, I'm grateful to DeMint for giving us continued Democratic control of the Senate by getting a bunch of nutcase losers nominated in place of Senate candidates who were just not far-far-right enough for him and probably would have won.

    1. mumbly_joe

      On the other hand, he did the same thing in the House, to greater effect, replacing scads of spineless "centrist" dems with right-wing nutjobs, making the House considerably more right-wing and more partisan, in one fell swoop. Hope you loved Terri Schiavo's Law, because you'll be seeing a lot more of that brand of bullshit, for the next two years, particularly since our president is apparently too chicken-shit to threaten the veto pen. Sorry, in rage-mode over here.

      1. DoktorZoom

        On the other other hand (like Ganesh, I have many), I think there's a pretty good chance that in 2012, enough of those loons will have made such epic displays of their looniness that they will be tossed out on their loony keisters.

        And I might have found a jerb by then, too.

        1. mumbly_joe

          On the other other other hand, if you, and many other Americans, hadn't, because of a combination of ineffective and frontloaded tax policies and pro-cyclical "focusing on the deficit" fiscal policies, then get ready for President Sarah Palin in 2012. Because if the economy's still shitty because of Obama's partial embrace of economic magical-thinking, clearly the solution is elect the people who embrace it whole-heartedly.

          Oh, yeah, and the debate over these tax cuts restarts in October 2012, just by coincidence. Certainly that is going to be a much more politically opportune time to roll these cuts back than the post-midterm lame duck session, right? Guys?

          1. DoktorZoom

            If I'm not gainfully employed by 2012 I think my plans may include self-immolation at RNC Headquarters. I'm still exploring my options.

      2. SorosBot

        Yeah, but it's just the House; just like a lot of good legislation got killed in the Senate, the nuttiest stuff will all die there now. That probably wouldn't be the case if the Dems had lost the majority, since they wouldn't have the balls to filibuster much, and you know if they did filibuster anything the Reps and media would forget the last four years of the "60 votes needed for a routine procedural matter" to the pre-2006 "UP OR DOWN VOTE! UP OR DOWN VOTE! HOW DARE THE DEMOCRATS SUBVERT THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!!!"

        1. mumbly_joe

          Hahaha, remember when people were talking about the "nuclear option"? Funny how everyone forgot everything about that as soon as the Democrats took the Senate.

          Oh, and plus, while the Democrats filibustered the odd judicial nominee (and I do mean odd- at least half the Bush nominees were insane/corrupt partisans, as we've sorta seen since), they didn't actually treat cloture votes on EVERYTHING as a matter of party discipline, even in the face of a Republican party that suddenly was. I do agree that I somehow doubt they'd get their fucking act together if they were suddenly in the minority (although what, exactly, Manchin counts as in this calculus sorta remains to be seen- so far, he's making Lieberman look good by comparison)

      3. BerkeleyBear

        I don't know all the reasons for it, but it seems like House races are the place for people to register faceless emotional reactions without thinking about the consequences. On the one hand, most districts outside of cities are so big and weirdly drawn that a lot of people don't feel much of a connection to their Rep, and since most news focuses on Senate races and above the issues/consequences don't get the same scrutiny. You can basically buy a House seat wihout much on the ground campaigning by just doing TV ads that say "Mongo mad! Mongo stop bad people!"

  7. Lucidamente1

    Let us read aloud:

    "There once was a dick named DeMint
    Who thought he was like Eastwood, Clint.
    He wasted our time
    Like a brain-damaged mime
    And now he's as beloved as lint."

      1. TanzbodenKoenig

        There once was an idiot from South Carolina,
        Who, so I'm told, had a sandy vagina
        He took out his irritation
        On the entire nation
        Fuck, but I'm sick of this whiner!

  8. SayItWithWookies

    It's just shocking that when you give a spoiled, grandstanding brat everything he asks for he doesn't suddenly become polite and agreeable. And if anyone cares to dig up DeMint's parents' backyard, I'll bet they'll find a veritable herd of dead ponies — one for every year he held his breath until he got one for Christmas and then decided it was too much trouble to feed or care for.

    1. Negropolis

      We better check for horns on those skeletal remains, because I'm sure that this little bastard wishes big. Mark my words, this prig wished for unicorns, and only white ones on top of the initial ridiculous request for unicorns.

  9. ttommyunger

    And the question he asks himself every morning is: "What can I do today to increase my overall dickishness?"

  10. horsedreamer_1

    The solution, of course, is to have like 5,000 people in the chamber each reading one page simultaneously.

    Sounds like a new project for the Polyphonic Spree.

  11. RedneckMuslin

    Give him a break! They had a president that needed a first grader to read, "My Pet Goat" for him. You can't expect a lesser pol to need less.

  12. mumbly_joe

    Is there a Senatorial priviledge that would enable Bernie Sanders to repeatedly cock-punch DeMint, for the full length of debate? If so, I hope someone invokes that one, soon.

  13. hagajim

    New Campaign Signs for Jimmy

    Jim DeMint – head Senate buttplug
    Jim DeMint – wasting taxpayer money every day
    Jim DeMint – You're bowel obstruction in Washintgon.

    I think they are all apt.

  14. GOPCrusher

    Karma demands that it becomes public knowledge that Jim DeMint paid the fees required for Alvin Greene to run against him. And perhaps some less than flattering video of him and the Boys sitting around, yukking it up, about how they found a black accused sex offender to play the part as the Democratic nominee.

  15. DoktorZoom

    UPDATE: DeMint has apparently called it all off.

    Apparently he and Mitch McConnell couldn't reach a compromise on the pronunciation of "tomato."

  16. SorosBot

    The threat of having to come in between Christmas and New Years, which nobody has to do except for every single other working adult in America (other than teachers), must have been too much for the guy.

  17. Negropolis

    I say we get Bjork to read-sing this shit like a spoken word. These bastards would be praying for a death that would never come.

      1. Negropolis

        Yes, and on top of that, Bjork should be accompanied by a droning and defeaning horde/chorus of accomplished vuvuzelists.

Comments are closed.