A “blinking Christmas ornament” was put in the trash at the Pentagon Metro stop this morning, so of course the station had to be shut down, because terrorism. Officials told the AP they “took it seriously,” which is what they always do, even though they should be racist-profiling blinking Eid ornaments, not Christmas ornaments. The terrorist ornament was apprehended at the trash can and x-rayed, though the Pentagon police apparently thought it was safe enough not to have to scan its reindeer genitals or whatever. We may not have expected the War on Terror to merge with the War on Christmas, but then again, we didn’t expect the virgin Saddam Hussein to give birth to a man named Osama bin Laden, did we? But, actually, we suspect this is the work of a good-hearted Secret Santa.
You see, the whole point of this was to get people to realize how cheaply we treat Christmas. The police probably referred to the Christmas object as a “holiday ornament” in their report, knowing how satanic the government is, and the image of something so holy being trashed is an important metaphor.
Trains on the Washington area Metro system were ordered to bypass the huge Defense Department headquarters after the object was discovered in the station at 7:15 a.m., said Chris Layman, spokesman for the Pentagon police force.
What’s the next stop as you head south on the Metro? Pentagon City. This anonymous Christmas warrior was diverting passengers to that stop to force them to reflect for a moment on the true meaning of Christmas: Buying a bunch of plastic crap, at a mall. WAR ON CHRISTMAS OVER, EVERYONE LOVES IT AGAIN.
Somehow those Aqua Teen Hunger Force marketers will still be arrested, though. [AP]
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You must mean a terrist Holiday ornament!
Sferical ormanents are cymbals of the New World Order cuz their round like the earf.
Happy Holidays … is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas, from Avery and Jack
We are nothing if not reasonable.
a zero-sum game.
As if it weren't already hard enough to get to the Pentagon…
I did the Pentagon tour in '96 — alas, I was not ballsy enough, at 16, to go off the reservation & ramble thru the halls of war unattended — so I am happy for that. Same year, I tried to do the FBI hq tour; I was too far back in the line to make the cut. Never tried again, & five years later, 9/11.
I still want my FBI tour. Or at least reparations for the time I wasted in line.
The US Mint tour is the only one worth taking. Unless you've got a White House fetish and time to kill.
I'm fairly certain the roads around the Pentagon are designed to make any potential terrorists kill themselves from frustration before they can get close enough to do any damage.
You should try getting in there—it’s like the DMV. Bring your lunch.
Judging by the response, I'd say the terrorists have won.
Aren't the terrorists getting tired of winning all the time? I mean, it's like we're in the JV and they're the pros. They need to compete in a higher league.
yeah, they need to go after the russians, or the israelis, or the chinese. get a bit of a stretch and be able to feel good again when they win.
Hell, considering what a great job we're doing freaking out over imaginary terrorist threat, Al Quada may have decided they don't really need to anything anymore since we're doing their job for them; they'll just watch this on CNN and Fox and laugh their asses off
Homeland Security has promised a measured, proportionate response to the incident. Starting Monday, all bus and subway passengers will be required to be strip-searched.
EDIT: That goes for omnibuses too.
Another freedom-hating plot from Linus Van Pelt and the Great Pumpkin Front defeated! Freedom wins the morning!!1!
Someone probably threw it over their shoulder into the can–"Goddamn made in China POS don't blink wortha shit!"
And then it started to blink real good. This shit always works better once you throw it away.
The Hallmark Light and Motion IED series…collect them all!
It was probably one of those dancing Santas which I happen to know can easily be disarmed with a baseball bat.
Americans may have to resort to Second Amendment remedies to deal with annoying Xmas ornaments.
We may not have seen Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer's balls, on x-ray, but if he's anything like his namesake "The Giuliani", we know they're huge.
Terrorists always make sure their hidden bombs have big blinking lights on them to make sure they're easily noticeable.
Don't forget the red-LED countdown timer, too, also.
Whenever I see a brown on the Metro with a cellphone, I get more than a little nervous.
And "THE GREEN WIRE, WAIT, NO THE RED WIRE, NO, UHH, THE GREEN WIRE … UH, UH …" snip!
Bitch tits! Beat me to it.
"Bitch-tits?" That like "man-boobs?"
Bitch-tits give me a girl-boner.
Bitches don't have tits, they have teets; tits are a primate characteristic.
I thought they only used the black cannonball with the sparking fuse? This confusion certainly makes it more tricky…
Takes me back to the good old spy days of Boris and Natasha.
Anyone else just cold embarrassed by U.S of America? We used to be so cool.
I don't find constant whining and bedwetting terribly attractive, either.
Waht happened to us?
Two words: Rupert Murdoch.
We can incarcerate rapists, murderers, sexual predators, the very dregs of the Earth.
We built prisoner of war camps throughout the United States to contain German, Italian, and Japanese prisoners of war.
But try to put one Muslim that was abducted/arrested in a faraway land in a maximum security prison on American soil, and we are all going to die!
Lite Brite is the new SUV.
Lite Brite is the new IED.
I fear for Rudolph.
Oh, and if the terr'ist WOULD flash at least it would lend some much needed levity to the situation, while answering the age old question; "What do Muslins wear under their man-dresses?"
Lad, I don't know where ye've been, but I see ye won first prize!
Rin-din-diddle-diddle-eye-dee-oh!
Metro? Something happened in Paris? Near Le Defense?
Well thank you veryfuckingmuch for the earworm. Now is the time to dance!
yeah, Auchan had a big sale on foie gras and the station got overcrowded.
A nation of deranged pussies.
But we're AMERICAN! deranged pussies. Best pussies in the world! Fuck yeah.
De-fanged pussies? Huh? I thought vagina dentata was a myth?
Home, home on deranged…
Where the beer man is anti yoplait…
Sadly, I think Brazil has us beaten on that.
Please, cringing deranged pussies. We have our pride.
Blinking lights = terrist bombs?! There are, like, NINE house-bombs on my block alone!
Plus the old guy on I-95 in the Buick in front of me who hasn't turned off his blinker since the Atlantic Avenue exit 20 miles ago. Terrist fer sure.
if it's anything like my parents' christmas, the terrorists must've spent an hour arguing over whether to use noticeable multi-colored lights or noticeable white lights
We may not have expected the War on Terror to merge with the War on Christmas…
Really? I thought the War on Christmas is what spawned the War on Terror. Huh, go figure.
The War on Terror trumps the War on Christmas. This has been verified by the Bristol Palin Canard-o-meter.
We have always been at war with Terror.
Probably was singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," which was written by O.B. Laden in 1812 during the "Terror Forefather's Day" party at the Mad Hatter.
Now go birth some terror babies, people.
Well hearing that horrible song does terrorize people.
Oh fer pity's sake — could "security" fail any harder?
be afraid. be very afraid. be trembling in apprehension that the government of a huge, powerful, well-armed nation is itself terrified and stinging itself to death like a scorpion in a hot tin can. don't put your hand in there!
Can I be afraid, and maybe a little bit aroused, too?
hey, it's your hand. go ahead, do with it what you will. can we watch?
I'm afraid what with the aroused part it may not be his hand he puts in there.
Twas 2 weeks before Christmas, and at all metro stops,
Not a passenger was moving, only some cops.
The turnstiles were bedecked with yellow police tape,
Leaving all the workers stranded, and their bosses agape.
The reason wasn't to stop, and enjoy fellowship and cheer,
But for DHS and the Pentagon to infect us with fear.
And Barry in his mansion, can't give us change, or hope,
So find an open liquor store, or better yet, do dope.
i don't do dope. dope does me.
Superb.
Jack, Jack, Jack – please don't go off and say things like Saddam is Osama's daddy….fucktard Merikans are likely to believe it and it will be on Jesse Ventura's next conspiracy show.
Second – I'll bet Bill O planted the ornament so he could feign outrage at how peeples are treating Christmas by committing terrorism on it via the Metro garbage.
Finally – would somebody maybe look in the flashing trash can before calling out the fucking Pentagon police – pleeaaaasssseeee. Shit.
In response to the Washington incident, the Boston Police ordered the mass evacuation of all residents in the state to Rhode Island, which is too small for terrorists to find.
Homeland Security needs to stop mass evacuating in their pants every time they see a blinking light.
Bravo, sir, I will be using this one all day.
People, to stop the imaginary terrorists we must now ban all blinking lights. Oh, and they might have bombs that look like giant plastic glowing people and animals; we had better ban those too. The fact that it would make my neighborhood look less tacky this time of year is just a pleasant side effect.
plus all those unattended packages under the tree.
And the part of Baby Jesus will be played, as is the tradition, by a 100-watt light bulb.
Viral-marketing does it again! This is just a poorly planned marketing campaign. Luckily it did not shut down the streets of Boston!
Exactly. This same thing happened last year in Boston. What have we become?
Nothing but a nation of frightened idiots.
And now the I-phone has an app that allows you to snitch on someone acting suspicious.
http://gcn.com/articles/2010/12/14/government-age...
Apparently the terrorists have indeed won…
The War on Christmas, Part 2: This Time Christmas Fights Back. Coming to a metro station near you.
My country is a pants peeing 2 year old. USA USA USA!
Terror alert level has been raised to blinking red and green.
I dub these Reindeer-Porn-Scanning Fetishists: Terroristas.
O Tannenbomb, O Tannenbomb!
Q'urans roasting on an open fire
Jackboots kicking down your door
Yuletide phone calls being tapped like The Wire
And Fox ramped up for Culture War
Everybody knows surveillance and a scary foe
Help to stoke the season's fright
Talking heads with their eyes all aglow
will hype this shit from noon to night
They know Obama's on his way
He'll socialize your kids and take your guns away
And every Patriot is gonna scream
That Kenyan's raping the American Dreeeeeem
And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
to Glenn, Michele, and Sarah too,
Although it's been said, many times, many ways,
GET A BRAIN, YOU MORAN!
Best ever. Ever. Also too.
YEA!!! (And BRAVO, also.)
Thanks, Dok…that brought a lump of coal to my throat.
I totally heard that in Johnny Mathis mode. Fucking awesome and scary.
"Fucking awesome and scary"
Especially when Johnny Mathis yells.
The War on Christmas Terror has begun.
No, no, it's "Begun this War on Christmas Terror has." Understand the way of the nerd you do not.
In the near future, when we're all carrying at least 2-3 sidearms, anyone seeing a threat like this will just unload a clip or two into it until we're all safe again. Just like Texas Governor Ricky Perry did to the baby coyote while "jogging" with his
phallic replacement symbolmanly hand-cannon.He had to kill it. It was after his hair.
Manly hand-derringer is more like. Single-shot.
We may not have expected the War on Terror to merge with the War on Christmas, but then again, we didn’t expect the virgin Saddam Hussein to give birth to a man named Osama bin Laden, did we?
Get it straight, his name is Barack Obama, not Osama.
LOL! Reminds me of the front page picture of Weekly World News with Saddam and Osama Bin Laden as gay lovers. They had adopted a baby which turned out to actually be a shaven chimpanzee.
How absurd; we all know that Saddam's gay lover was Satan, until Satan finally realized how abused he was by Saddam and dumped him.
Remember when Andrew Jackson dodged two bullets then chased down and beat his would-be assassin to a pulp with his cane?
Or when Teddy Roos. got shot in the chest, realized he wasn't shot too bad, then got up and gave an hour and a half long speech before finally collapsing from exhaustion?
Now we shut down half the nation's capital because some turd thought a turrist would put a big honking light on top of his trashcan bomb.
Jesus Christ, America. What happened to you?
Interesting side note: Charles Dickinson, the only dude Andrew Jackson ever killed in his thirteen duels, had previously been victorious at his previous three hundred and twenty six duels, before succumbing to Old Hickory's return volley.
That does it. I want dueling to come back.
I think Cheney tried to bring that custom back a few years ago.
What? Just a hunting accident. Oh! Nevermind.
No shit. Imagine how different things would be if, after 9/11, we'd just repurposed these posters from London during the Blitz? A cynic might even think that there was more money to be made from panic.
corn syrup and cheap beer.
For obvious reasons, I'm just gonna pretend this – or the inevitable FauxNews/Inbreds backlash against Barry and Nappy – never happened.
Napolitano regarding WALMART lookouts:
Chechen Rebel Babushka ,,,,,,, yes.
Little piece of plastic blinking shit seen all over the store and world,,,,,,,,,,,,,,probably not.
We should assume Americans also think cannonballs with lit fuses are an actual thing.
Thanks for letting Al Qaeda know that all the equipment they need to shut down the Metro can be bought at the Target dollar bin.
Be a secret Santa and win a one way trip to sunny Guantanamo
Can we go ahead and declare the turrists victorious already, so we can get back to shorter fucking lines at the airport and no more dick-sniffing dogs at the courthouse?
The interesting thing about bomb identification is, you've always got your power supply, you've always got your detonator, you've always got your explosives. What you don't usually got is your blinky light.
Are suggesting that Jerry Bruckheimer has lied to us?
No blinky light? But it's Christmas!
I for one welcome our new flashing ornament overlords.
Too soon?
Ok, but I would definitely hit that flashing ornament.
Today, we are all flashing ornaments.
Twinkle Twinkle little bomb,
now you've shut the pentagon down
widespread panic, fear and dread
terror alert condition red
They should have recognized that it wasn't a bomb since it didn't have a digital readout. How can it be a bomb if you can't dramatically stop it just as the timer gets to 00:01?
And thats exactly why we need to torture, because of that digital readout, as it counts down, thats your justification right there.
I hope Al Qaeda doesn't figure out how to build a bomb with a digital readout that counts up.
It was planted by the Florida school board guy to act as a distraction while he painted symbols from that Natalie Portman movie. He just got the timing wrong.
Lamest bomb since The Tourist.
What — too soon?
Hello? * SPOILER ALERT! *
Eek, a terror! Won't somebody think of the trash?
Anyone know the guy who sells that flashing light rubber/plastic junk at Metro Center? (and you thought it was illegal to sell stuff in the Metro, right) usually I see him in the evening- esp if there has been a sporting event. I think he needs to be taken to Langley and questioned.
I'm surprised the FBI didn't arrive in time to wrestle the blinking lights to the ground.
They charged the nearest bell-ringer with planting it. After all it was a Christmas ornament and he was wearing this suspicious red suit and a fake beard.
Ahh yes, the old fake beard disguise…ingenious!
Either America is going to have to wear diapers (because it's always shitting itself) or we're just going to have to subject all garbage to humiliating and invasive scans.
Our Kuntry can survive Dick Cheney ass fucking Jeff Gannon in his silo while Dubya went on a scenic tour of Nebraska while Rummy was playing Dr. Welby in the parking lot when they should have
BEEN FUCKING SCRAMBLING SOME JETS AFTER OUR COUNTRY WAS ATTACKED ON 9/11.
Yeah, we survived that, but a Seasonal ornament brings us to our knees….
"Seasonal" arnament stead of "Christmas" ormament? Get out off AMerica U communist!!
Fox News to report this "ornament" came from Obama's tree.
George Bush never blinked.
The moon has had enough of our shit.
http://www.qenew.net
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Brown terror packages tied up with string
This is my favorite FBI sting.
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