fun in the sun

Mark Foley Gives Up Juvenile Dreams (of Running For Mayor)

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Appearing on his “Foley on Politics” radio show on WSVU 960AM, which reaches the length of the Palm Beaches and the Treasure Coast, Foley revealed that he decided not to join the race to replace retiring Mayor Lois Frankel.

“I have come to the conclusion that now is not the right time,” said Foley, who pledged to use his “God-given talents” in the nonprofit sphere as well as in his business activities.

Sounds like somebody discovered video chat and is a little busy these days. God-given talents? Oh, right. [Sunshine State News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • SorosBot

    He may have given up his juvenile dreams, but not his (wet) dreams of juveniles.

    • Not_So_Much

      Why do I hear Susan Boyle in the back of my head badly warbling "I dreamed a dream", when I read your post?

      • SorosBot

        I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
        Of teenaged boys walking 'round shirtless…

    • BarackMyWorld

      +1 p, but +100 in our hearts.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Or as that nice young fellow on Glee sang:
      I'ma get your heart racing
      In my skin-tight jeans
      Be your teenage dream tonight

  • SexySmurf

    pledged to use his “God-given talents” in the nonprofit sphere

    He's joining NAMBLA?

    • Not_So_Much

      I think that's "nonprofit sphincter" — totally different gig.

    • hagajim

      Joining NAMBLA…I think he's going to run for President of NAMBLA

  • harry_palmer

    Sounds like his consultants advised him that the Empire has to decline a little further before the market is ready for his slogan: "Any Sport in a Dorm."

  • nounverb911

    Foley still has not given up his dream of being a Boy Scout troop leader.

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Hey there, young fella, want to see my God-given talents?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    He will always be my Mayor of Pageville.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gee, I'm glad Foley addressed that rampant speculation that he was going to run for the mayor of — uh — somewhere. Now maybe that other person will run. I'm sure you've heard of him/her — it's all over town, really.

  • horsedreamer_1

    That city just got the only good catheter they ever will.

    Void (the election), baby, void.

  • GodShammgod

    Pretty soon, this Foley will also be living in a van down by the river.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Is it really non-profit if you spend all your day arranging trips for Rush Limbaugh to go see boys in the Caribbean?

    • GodShammgod

      I'm sure it got Faith Based Initiative funding.

  • HateMachine

    I think I talked to him on Omegle recently!

  • Katydid

    After reading the link to his chats with 16-year-old kids, I'm not so sure I'm against Mark Foley being in solitary confinement. I mean, what he did was disgusting, against the law, and a violation of what the people entrusted him to do. That's what the law is for, to put away the disgusting sex offenders.

    Oh, wait. Shit.

  • Gratuitous World

    i wish foley the best of luck lifting his own luggage.

  • x111e7thst

    Mar Foley is working on developing a not-for-profit version of How would that work exactly?

  • ttommyunger

    This idiotic fuck is so bereft of self-awareness he doesn't understand that every time he puts his name out there all we can think about is his sexual perversion and criminal intent. If he could just manage to shut the fuck up he might be able to quietly cruise the malls and loiter in the rest rooms adjacent to the food courts without being singled out.

  • __kth__

    So the CW seems to be that the trial balloon of a Foley return to politics was decisively shot down. But Foley would seem to be the kind of guy who never runs out of balloons.

    • GOPCrusher

      He just needs to turn his life over to The Jeebsus, and all will be forgiven.

  • Negropolis

    The scary thing is that it would be difficult for Foley to be caught in a bigger scandal than the one he was caught it, so he'd probably actually win.

    It used to be a dead girl or a boy, but now, I think the boy has to be dead too to keep you out of elected office.

  • assistantatlas

    He can still hope for Pope!

    • Negropolis

      He's practicing his Italian and Latin while we speak. And when I say practicing his Italian and Latin, I'm saying he's plowing his well-earned bevy of Italian and Latin pool boys.