GET OVER IT  2:24 pm December 14, 2010

Michele Bachmann Says Justice Scalia Will Teach Her Constitution Class

by Jack Stuef


Hey look, Lou Dobbs is alive! Also, we did not know Michele Bachmann is teaching Constitution Sports to her fellow members of Congress, but apparently that is happening too, with Antonin Scalia, who is not, you know, supposed to be partisan about things; but it’s hard when all your friends want you to come to their important Republican dinners and events. Because really, what are the Democrats going to do, impeach a Supreme Court justice? Hah!

I think it’s great and I’m hoping all the members of Congress will partake; it’s bipartisan.

See, there you go! All you have to do is say the word “bipartisan,” and it makes it so! Just like how that new tax-cut package is “bipartisan.” After you’ve looked up “canard,” make sure to write in “Republican” next to the word “bipartisan,” because it is now officially a synonym.

We’re going to do what the NFL does and what the baseball teams do: we’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft, which is studying and learning the Declaration, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.

First of all, no. Second, your craft is to make and actually pass laws, not to know about documents you should have studied in fifth grade. Or it is supposed to be. Your craft specifically is to be a banshee who just goes around shrieking crazy stuff in exchange for campaign money, so good work.

Also, here’s something in those documents: the separation of powers. [Right Wing Watch via Gawker]

 

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{ 175 comments }

chascates December 14, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Dick Cheney will teach about how the three branches of government provide a check on each other.

MadBrahms December 14, 2010 at 2:54 pm

I think you mean checks *to* each other. *To*.

genxr December 14, 2010 at 3:11 pm

No, they don't check on. They don't check to. They just check in once in a while to say hi.

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Of course when Dick Cheney was VP, he declared himself a member of two of those branches.

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Actually, I think he said he was his own, fourth branch.

Sparky_McGruff December 14, 2010 at 3:20 pm

The fourth branch of government is completely independent of the other three, and its powers cannot be constrained by the other three. Just like Guantanamo wasn't under US laws, or Cuban laws.

Cheney logic is irrefutable — Cheney always had the power, end of story.

bagofmice December 14, 2010 at 4:38 pm

It was so eerie to walk by that restaurant in union station whenever the oil execs were giving Cheney a medal.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:17 am

Had? Why past tense?

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 2:56 pm

And how you should never shoot back into your line when quail hunting.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:20 am

I think you mean "how you should always shoot back into your line whilst quail hunting." Cause, "bitch deserved it." He will teach from his newest textbook:

"How to Shoot Friends and Influence People"

Buzz Feedback December 14, 2010 at 2:27 pm

3/5 Clause coming back in a big way. Happy Kwanzaa.

Lucidamente1 December 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

And no discussions of slavery till 1808.

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Now, now, our absolutely perfect handed down by Jesus constitution would never dignify itself by calling it slavery. "The migration or importation of such persons as any of the states now existing shall think proper to admit"

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

I think you meant Hap Kwanz.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:21 am

I got me a new comic book character. It'll be set in 50's Milwaukee and will include "The Kwanz" (the Black Fonz).

Lucidamente1 December 14, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Well, it is the tenth anniversary of Bush v. Gore.

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:55 pm

hooray!

genxr December 14, 2010 at 3:13 pm

The chads are hanging from the tree and the brooks brothers are decking people in the halls. Merry Bushmas One and All!

hooray4anything December 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

In about fifty years, we'll come out of our tents, eat a special brand of hobo beans, go off to work at MegaloMart and celebrate that day as the day where it all went to hell

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 2:28 pm

So apparently my journalism degree DID in fact qualify me to teach Advanced Concepts in Theoretical Quantum Mechanics after all!

RedneckMuslin December 14, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Wouldn't you want to?

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Hey, you're more qualified than most of the writers on HuffPo who use quantum mechanics (it's weird!) as their justification for life after death, time travel, immortality and whatever else springs to mind.

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 3:36 pm

It's simple: most people, like them, don't understand quantum mechanics so they can throw about a bunch of sciencey-sounding words to justify whatever gibberish they want, and claim it's SCIENCE (even though it's not).

DoktorZoom December 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

It's not like the Quantum was even a very popular car, so why are there so many Quantum mechanics?

samsuncle December 14, 2010 at 2:30 pm

bipartisan is also a synonym for "no lube".

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Maybe Scalia can teach them how precedent works, except in one specific case where the Court is basically determining the next President of the United States in a way that just coincidentally favors the party of the majority of justices.

Darthhippy December 14, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I can not describe in the meager vocabulary that I have available to me, how much this worries me about………..pretty much everything that has to do with the government now.

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 4:50 pm

You should get in touch with one of the Palin Tourette Girls (I forget…the canard one) if you want to boost your meager vocabulary. Granted, the best you can hope for is that she'd let you in on the secret that Word has a thesaurus function. But maybe she'll show you her tits too.

Actually, just stick with your current vocabulary. It's perfectly fine.

Crank_Tango December 14, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Bipartisan, you say? Sign me the fuck up!!!! Where do I compromise?

BorderJumper! December 14, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Yes, but only if you are willing to ignore that separation of church and state thingy on the First Amendment and pretty much anything else they don't agree with.

Crank_Tango December 14, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Ain't no separation of church and state in the bible!!!

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm

You can bend over and take your "compromise" right here. It's bipartisan, so it won't hurt that much.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:24 am

It being bipartisan means that it will hurt twice as much. Actually, it could also be so impotent that it's limp and doesn't hurt, or isn't enjoyed, at all.

hooray4anything December 14, 2010 at 3:40 pm

If it's bipartisan, does this mean Barry will be criticized for not participating? He is a Constitutional Scholar, you know

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:23 am

That's hot. I want to compromise so hard.

freakishlywrong December 14, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Your craft? Perhaps instead of studying the Constitution, (another word they are making hate), perhaps you can look in to how a fringe, insane minority has managed to destroy a thriving country by somehow manipulating the media to ignore or re-frame fucking right wing platitudes as fact. That, nutty Shelly, is a craft.

SexySmurf December 14, 2010 at 2:39 pm

How do you know that isn't what the Founders and Jesus intended?

BarryOPotter December 14, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Yeah, her 'craft'. God help America, but I think Meeshell plans to Bedazzle the Constitution, and those other documents, once she's learned more about them just like a linebacker would study "Football for Dummies" AFTER having been drafted into the NFL.

For fuck's sake. Is this America's Democracy gasping for air in a bathtub full of water?

freakishlywrong December 14, 2010 at 2:59 pm

I can think of other things I'd like to see gasping for air in a bathtub, unfortunately, they're so full of poisonous gas, you gave to physically hold them under 'till they stop squirming.

V572625694 December 14, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I'm guessing Michele would rather vajazzle the old Connie.

Extemporanus December 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Hide your gold — the girl is crafty like ice is cold!

MadBrahms December 14, 2010 at 2:36 pm

There was no porking in the Constitution, though God knows Franklin did his best.

Fare la Volpe December 14, 2010 at 2:38 pm

This will work great, so long as they skip the chapters on those pesky first, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, fourteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, nineteenth, twenty-fourth, and twenty-seventh amendment thingies.

HELL YEAH GUNS AND NO QUARTERING! SECOND AND THIRD, AIN'T NO TURD!

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:53 pm

it's always interesting that when the so-called constitutional conservatives talk, they seem to only be talking about parts of the Bill of Rights and not the constitution itself.

Neilist December 14, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Marry me, Fare la Volpe.

Unless you're a homo, that is. If so, Get Away From Me, you Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM.

Well, unless you're a Smoking Hot Lesbo, that is. In that case, Allowances Must Be Made For All Of God's Children, Particularly The Kinky Lipstick Lezzies Who Might Let Me Watch . . . .

Mahousu December 14, 2010 at 2:39 pm

"Separation of powers" is fine until the porking starts. Then, well, three branches = third wheel.

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Hey, I thought porking was Michele's craft.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 2:39 pm

In today's lesson, we are going to learn how the Constitution is the literal and ineffable word of the The LORD, except for Article VI, section iii, which was added as a bit of poetic whimsy by a wayward cherub.

el_donaldo December 14, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Why is it that whenever these wingnuts say the separation between church in state isn't actually in the Consitution, nobody asks them about the no religious test for office clause? It's. right. there.

HistoriCat December 14, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Logic is for liberals therefore shut up. USA! USA!

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

The clearly stated "no religious test for public office" clause means nothing next to the inference that since the term "The year of Our Lord…" was used to note the date, we're supposed to be a theocracy. Such logic has never led anyone down the path to horrible outcomes, ever — especially trillion-dollar quagmires in distant, unthreatening nations.

hooray4anything December 14, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Don't forget how Jesus personally wrote the 2nd Amendment

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Dictated it into a hat, I heard.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:28 am

Whilst holding a musket, even. Rugged Jesus loves firearms, and chewing tobacco, too.

Allmighty_Manos December 14, 2010 at 2:40 pm

You're not being fair in accusing Scalia of not being fully bipartisan. He just follows the "GOP always wins" school of Constitutional thought.

Terry December 14, 2010 at 2:40 pm

"First of all, no. Second, your craft is to make and actually pass laws, not to know about documents you should have studied in fifth grade. Or it is supposed to be. "

Don't discourage her. I'm hoping she and her fellow nutjobs learn the constitutional basis for separation of church and state.

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm

or the general welfare clause: The Congress shall have power To lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common defence and general welfare of the United States

jim89048 December 14, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Heh. He said "Lay".

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2010 at 6:37 pm

"Lay taxes," like a fucking bear trap or something. Every April 15, hardworking Americans are flung in the air and left to dangle by one roped ankle until 1/3 or or more of their monies shake out in the breeze. These falling monies are collected in large bushel baskets by sluts from Alaska and bumfucks from southern states who get way more than they pay in, as is their constimatutional right.

Missyb9479 December 14, 2010 at 2:53 pm

"Separation of Church and State means that the Government can't take over religious organizations. Ir doesn't mean that religious organizations can't take over the government!"

Real thing some idiot in my Con Law class said.

imissopus December 14, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Sounds like Regent Law School material to me.

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Not gonna happen. No learning curve.

el_donaldo December 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I think she meant "bipolar." Manic rage-fests followed by maudlin Jesus/founding father sentimentality.

DoktorZoom December 14, 2010 at 2:42 pm

(waving hand from back row of class) Ooh! Ooh! Ms. Bachmann! Ms. Bachmann! If the Supreme Court decided that Marbury v. Madison was unconstitutional, how would they enforce it?

genxr December 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm

(thumbing through pamphlet sized copy of the Constitution) Ummm…. Nope, that's not in here. Next question?

EatsBabyDingos December 14, 2010 at 2:43 pm

As Ms B is an expert Bible assassin, I am reminded of the story from Ezekiel 23:19-20 19: "Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm

You must not be Christian since you seem to know too much about the bible.

Barrelhse December 14, 2010 at 3:11 pm

She swallows, also.

outragedcitizen December 14, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Seriously, that's in the bible? Damn, I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school!

Kidneys4Sale December 14, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Looking back, I'm fairly sure my Confirmation Bible was redacted for that sort of shit. I doubt you missed anything.

SenileAgitation December 14, 2010 at 2:43 pm

How come she didn't ask Barack the Constitution perfesser to teach her? Or Clarence? Afraid she'll get too exorcised by black on white/teacher on student rubbing of ideas maybe.

GOPCrusher December 14, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Well, you know that Professor Barack always talked down to Americans.

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Wasn't he an expert on the Kenyan Constitution anyway?

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Well, it is a well known fact that the Constitution doesn't apply to very, very Urban people.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2010 at 3:15 pm

This is why we must repeal the 14th Amendment.

& the 13th & 15th, to be neighbourly to the 14th, also.

genxr December 14, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Here we have a very, very urban professor teaching what is an agrarian-based constitution.

LetUsBray December 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Well, if you want to know what Clarence thinks, you may as well talk to Scalia anyway.

hooray4anything December 14, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Somebody's gotta fetch Scalia water during his lecture

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm

I am genuinely looking forward to Prof. Dizzy-wizzle's lecture on Article 1, Section 2 where it says,

The actual Enumeration [census] shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years

Scalia will no doubt cackle that the Framers also wanted to include the clause, "except if deranged mutants with conspiracy-addled brains are somehow offended," but they ran out of ink.

JoeMamased December 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Needz moar out-of-control porking.

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Don't we all. Don't we all.

OneDollarJuana December 14, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Teabaggers are gittin' warmed up as we speak.

slithytoves December 14, 2010 at 2:45 pm

We’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft, which is studying and learning the Declaration, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.

Sounds like prison bible study group.

Fare la Volpe December 14, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Sounds more like a prison rape group.

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Where can we go to donate shivs?

RedneckMuslin December 14, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Is that witchcraft or do I have my GOP bitches mixed up?

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 4:55 pm

"I'm not a bitch!"

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 4:22 pm

I guess this makes them students. Hey, you know what's Pashto for "student?"

Serolf_Divad December 14, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Such a shame that Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnel was not elected, given that that Scalia's dissent in Lawrence V. Texas basically provided the intellectual framework for her anti-masturbation crusade:

It seems to me that the “societal reliance” on the principles confirmed in Bowers and discarded today has been overwhelming. Countless judicial decisions and legislative enactments have relied on the ancient proposition that a governing majority’s belief that certain sexual behavior is “immoral and unacceptable” constitutes a rational basis for regulation…State laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obscenity are likewise sustainable only in light of Bowers’ validation of laws based on moral choices. Every single one of these laws is called into question by today’s decision

The two would probably have argued over who signs the other's program first, then retred to a nearby office to french kiss. Then O'Donnel would have showed him her unkempt pudendum and he would have revealed for her his hairy back. But they'd remain otherwise chaste.

EatsBabyDingos December 14, 2010 at 2:49 pm

He forgot child incest, which we call marryin' a cousin here in the South. If she gets pregnant.

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm

That part always got to me, because he lumps in the "fornication" (which is nothing but people having sex) and masturbation, and laws against those are absolutely ridiculous and should be invalid, just like the sodomy laws at play, so he's not only lumping in masturbation and sodomy with bestiality but presenting a pure positive as a negative.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Fornication is often inferred as sex apart wedlock; even more, in exchange for money. In a word — prostitution.

Get thee to the fornex!

HistoriCat December 14, 2010 at 3:22 pm

He mentions adult incest … adult incest … so, non-adult incest is OK? Why has this been buried? Scalia says "children – hump 'em if you got 'em."

Vinnie Saltine December 14, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Didn't she take a 3-day course on the topic and therefore she is an expert on the subject?

Oh, sorry…wrong "craft".

Hiyo!

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 2:49 pm

I'm sure they'll skip this part of the constitution since they all just love Arizona's heinous immigration bill: "The Congress shall have power ….To establish a uniform rule of naturalization"

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Or the supremacy clause, which invalidates the Arizona law without even getting into the discrimination issue:

This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.

the_onceler December 14, 2010 at 6:28 pm

well, yeah, that's even better.

WarAndGee December 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Alright Consgresswoman Helltwat when you bone up on your documents please return to your district and tell your constituents that no where THEREIN do you find "public education," "social security,""medicare," "Farm subsidies", "interstate highway funding" and proclaim your immediate desire to have all those programs abolished.

HOLY FUCKING SON OF A MONKEY'S BUTT WHEN ARE YOU TEAFARTS GOING TO GET SPECIFIC ON ANYTHING without mumbling some stupid mushy mouth bullshit rooted in elementary school platitudes.

Assholes.

outragedcitizen December 14, 2010 at 3:26 pm

So much of true character of the Teabagger party members is summed up in your last sentence.

Assholes, indeed!

Pithaughn December 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

The specifics are just sitting there, way too close to the details. You know who is in the details? Nuff Sed!

Missyb9479 December 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Look, Scalia, if you really believe in the idea that government is limited to what is expressly in the Constitution then shouldn't you refuse to rule on any case since the power of Judicial Review is not expressly in the powers of the Supreme Court and it was that activist judge John Marshall who came up with it to piss off the Gov. from Benson?

I'll take my answer off the air.

SudsMcKenzie December 14, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Scalia looks like he should be teaching them how to make Pancetta or Prosciutto cotto.

V572625694 December 14, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Wouldn't be risotto, as he's a Sicilian. Southern Italy's all about marinara (red sauce). And by the way, proscuitto crudo's way better than cotto, which just tastes like ham.

SexySmurf December 14, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Scalia looks like he should be teaching them how to eat Pancetta or Prosciutto cotto.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm

If this is a reference to beef curtains & cunnilingus, I salute you.

imissopus December 14, 2010 at 2:56 pm

I'm enjoying the image of all these strict constructionists learning that the Constitution does not in fact mention Jesus.

DoktorZoom December 14, 2010 at 3:41 pm

It does if you write in the margins with a Sharpie, which is popularly understood as being in the "penumbra" of the "emanations" of the Bill of Rights, and also perhaps the "aureole" of the "pudendum" of the law as well.

Extemporanus December 14, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Wapner weeps…

V572625694 December 14, 2010 at 2:58 pm

We're going to do what the NFL does, and get totally jazzed up on steroids, then bang into each other for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon, and then: hookers'n'blow till Tuesday morning!

lochnessmonster December 14, 2010 at 4:18 pm

I thought the NFL wanted Bachmann back in MN so she could reinflate the dome with all her hot air.

BorderJumper! December 14, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Sounds terrific! Now, is this class before of after American Taliban 101?

Monsieur_Grumpe December 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

What? No ethics class?
Harrumph!

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Hey look, Lou Dobbs is alive!

Well, no, he is on FOX Business, isn't he, which some consider a fate worse than death.

And, let's face it, we all know when Bachmann says "we’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft," she really means "Blood Orgy!"

outragedcitizen December 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Are they going to practice their "craft" or their "crap". The latter seems more appropriate.

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Molding little statues of Jeebus from fecal matter will be in the later art class.

MinAgain December 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

No doubt the Constitution, being a living document, is holed up in a sleazy bar somewhere, drinking whiskey and muttering to itself about that Bachmann idiot not knowing a constitutional right if it came up and bit her on the ass.

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 3:10 pm

We're all gettin' too hung on the separation of church and steak and supreme court and crap like that. Look on the bright side and just imagine the crap that this gang of idiots will be liable to come up with after a few of their classroom pissfests. Really, you can't BUY this kind of material.

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Okay, OT here, but how did your pee score get to 87 and mine is still languishing in the 50s? I call rat.

genxr December 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm

I think "separation of church and steak" is what did it.

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Okay, I admit that was pretty funny.

hagajim December 14, 2010 at 3:14 pm

The Democrats will impeach Scalia HA! I don't think the weenies could muster the guts to impeach themselves for their massive fail. They'd compromise with the GOP and give their seats up to teabaggers after the public buggerying they would get – to show their willingness to compromise.

Is buggerying even a word?

el_donaldo December 14, 2010 at 3:21 pm

it's not a word until Palin tweets it. just ask the Oxford English Dictionary.

assistantatlas December 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Scalia teaching Bachmann and the teabaggers about the Constitution … wo. "Blind leading the blind" comes to mind…

But mainly, I really wish you hadn't reminded me that Lou Dobbs is still alive.

prommie December 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Let me guess; Alexander Hamilton was led to the silver tablets on which Jesus wrote the Constitution, in Aramaic, during his visit to North America with the 10 lost tribes of the jews, by the angel Moroni. Hamilton dug up the silver tablets, which were buried beneath a hill, took them home, and he placed the silver tablets in a hat, then, he used the seer-stones, the ummim and the thummim, to translate from the mystical holy language in which Jesus originally wrote the Constitution, and he dictated the translation to George Washington, who used the invisible hand of Adam Smith to write out the text, for freedom!

genxr December 14, 2010 at 4:18 pm

And then the Jews killed Jesus because they were socialists.

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Yes. Its all right there in Plan 10 from Outer Space (starring Karen Black 1996) Karen finds a Mormon tablet which explains that Joseph Smith was an alien from the planet Kolob who married all those earth women as part of his alien invasion of earth. And we can all see where this led.

BTWBFDIMHO December 14, 2010 at 10:52 pm

The invisible hand of Adam Smith appears frequently in Christine O'Donnell's wet dreams.

freakishlywrong December 14, 2010 at 3:20 pm

If it is indeed "bipartisan" dipshit, when is Kagen's turn?

SudsMcKenzie December 14, 2010 at 5:46 pm

The sexual tension between Kagen and Bachman would be delightful.

Redhead December 14, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Are Constitution sports when you throw the Constitution around and manipulate it to make it say whatever you want it to say, regardless of what it originally said?

Also, too, "All you have to do is say the word “bipartisan,” and it makes it so!" is basically how Fox News operates, so yeah, there's that.

RedNM December 14, 2010 at 3:24 pm

If their serious then the first thing this class should do is recommend putting a sculpture of Ronald Reagan on Mt. Rushmore, replacing Franklin.

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm

You're thinking of Theodore not Franklin.

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 5:03 pm

I prefer to think of "all cats are gray in the dark" Ben.

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Will Scalia tell them how he got his magical power to read the dead minds of the Founding Fathers to determine what the Constitution really means, which conveniently always seems to be the same as what he wants?

hooray4anything December 14, 2010 at 3:49 pm

That'll be covered in the 10 PM- 11PM class on seances

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 5:07 pm

That, also involves a hat, silver tablets and seeing stones. Only one of those funny Sicilian hats.

bflrtsplk December 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Is it just me or is there something not right about the words Justice and Scalia in the same sentence?

Guppy06 December 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Cut them some slack for wanting to learn more about the Constitution. They're only trying to emulate their hero, constitutional scholar Barack Obama!

problemwithcaring December 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Wait, she didn't learn all she ever needed to know about the Constitution at Oral Roberts Law School???

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 5:08 pm

I think she studied with Oral's brother Anal. (cheap or cost effective, you decide)

Pop_Socket December 14, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Remedial Gummint 101: Why Teabaggers Are Wrong About Everything.

zappadoo76 December 14, 2010 at 3:37 pm

I watched the teevee video clip with the sound off cuz I'm at work.

Jeebus. I'm sexually attracted to her. Isn't that disgusting?

Boredw/Gravity December 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Yes. That's why your pee is so tiny.

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Thus the phrase, "parallel porking"

problemwithcaring December 14, 2010 at 3:52 pm

How can you even tell what are you are attracted to? Lou Dobbs has slathered so much Vaseline on the fucking camera lens, all I can see is raccoon eye liner surrounded by a white blur.

Rotundo_ December 14, 2010 at 5:56 pm

Watch it with sound. Your genitals will beat a hasty retreat into your abdomen by the 30 second mark. You might need surgery or a corkscrew to extract them afterwards.

Wilcoxyz December 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Will Thomas preside over some sort of quiet or nap time for these lawmaking youngsters?

tribbzthesquidz December 14, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Michelle got her copy of the Constitution mixed up with her copy of "To Serve Man."

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm

My God…it's a COOKBOOK!

Radiotherapy December 14, 2010 at 3:43 pm

I think they should come up with a mission statement for congress. They will need breakout sessions too. One more thing: metrics.

user-of-owls December 14, 2010 at 4:41 pm

What, no synergy? Bloody anarchist.

Rotundo_ December 14, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Get a black belt on this too, and see if we can't wring a little more efficiency our of the process. We should also do a kaizen to take care of all the waste in this too!

Radiotherapy December 14, 2010 at 9:29 pm

Thank you, I think, for reminding me of synergy and kaizen you two. How about customer service?? Oh, that was good one. Just a few of the great "management du joir." schemes I've been waterboarded with over the years.

DoktorZoom December 14, 2010 at 9:51 pm

Yeah…. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.

Radiotherapy December 14, 2010 at 10:10 pm

I'd say in a given week I only do about fifteen minutes of actual work.
♪♫Die, mother fucker, Die, mother fucker♪♫

Bugeyes December 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Wait until they find out that George Washington was not a strict constructionist — he believed the Constitution to contain implied powers, so he approved the first national bank.

Will they kick him off the dollar bill for being a traitor or liberal?

rocktonsam December 14, 2010 at 3:59 pm

needz moar crying

moralturpentine December 14, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Is Lou Dobbs actually less orange these days or has over-exposure to the highly radiant Boehner just made all other orange hues seem wan by comparison?

Tommmcatt December 14, 2010 at 4:18 pm

…teaching Constitution Sports….

Wait, that's the one with pee, right?

genxr December 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Constitution sports: Running an interference play and then a quarterback sneak. A good hard kick when the ref's not looking doesn't hurt either.

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Are we the only ones who know the Declaration isn't law?

genxr December 14, 2010 at 8:02 pm

It's based on the ten commandments, which is better than law.

nounverb911 December 14, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Justice Thomas is going to give the sex education class.

Ducksworthy December 14, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Next time I watch a video of Michele it will be the one of her stapling tea bags to her eyelids, for freedumb.

HempDogbane December 14, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Amazon emailed me today offering to buy back my copy of Dews' Logics of Disintegration.
It's in great shape and would no doubt bring a pretty penny, but I'm hanging on to it.

twaingirl December 14, 2010 at 5:16 pm

So after raping the Constitution, they are gonna go after the Declaration next. Who needed inalienable rights anyways. (inalienable? them rights from mexxxicoooo?!?)

Oldskool_ December 14, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Imagine all the sighs and "hooh boys" if they actually study it.

DoktorZoom December 14, 2010 at 9:54 pm

Constitution: tl;dr.

JustPixelz December 14, 2010 at 7:55 pm

Kinda scary that members of the House of Representatives don't already know the Constitution. Most of these TP-endorsed Repubicans ran for office by claiming to understand the "plain language of the Constitution" and following the "original intent" of the founders (which they know through the magic of paleotelepathy).

On the other hand, there's no evidence they can be taught so Scalia's indoctrination camp will have no actual effect.

genxr December 14, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Welcome to the Constitutional Reading Club. For our first meeting we will discuss Atlas Shrugged. For next week be sure to read Liberal Fascism.

BTWBFDIMHO December 14, 2010 at 10:47 pm

No Bible?

SorosBot December 15, 2010 at 1:11 am

Do you think they would actually read it? No, they just trust what their priest or pastor says, which skips over all the god-is-a-genocidal-monster parts and the hippie-socialist Jesus-wants-you-to-use-all-your-money-to-help-the-poor parts; they know that actually reading the thing is one of the top sources of conversions to atheism.

trampndirtdown December 14, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Every week? Its not like your studying fucking Faust! We are talking about a pretty short document that you should have read by six grade. How fucking long is it going to take this bunch of Trigs to read this.

Negropolis December 15, 2010 at 1:36 am

"Practice our craft," eh? You know who else speaks of the craft? I'm sure Christine O'Donnell would be happy to help in your re-education summer camps.

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