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Michele Bachmann Says Justice Scalia Will Teach Her Constitution Class


Hey look, Lou Dobbs is alive! Also, we did not know Michele Bachmann is teaching Constitution Sports to her fellow members of Congress, but apparently that is happening too, with Antonin Scalia, who is not, you know, supposed to be partisan about things; but it’s hard when all your friends want you to come to their important Republican dinners and events. Because really, what are the Democrats going to do, impeach a Supreme Court justice? Hah!

I think it’s great and I’m hoping all the members of Congress will partake; it’s bipartisan.

See, there you go! All you have to do is say the word “bipartisan,” and it makes it so! Just like how that new tax-cut package is “bipartisan.” After you’ve looked up “canard,” make sure to write in “Republican” next to the word “bipartisan,” because it is now officially a synonym.

We’re going to do what the NFL does and what the baseball teams do: we’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft, which is studying and learning the Declaration, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.

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First of all, no. Second, your craft is to make and actually pass laws, not to know about documents you should have studied in fifth grade. Or it is supposed to be. Your craft specifically is to be a banshee who just goes around shrieking crazy stuff in exchange for campaign money, so good work.

Also, here’s something in those documents: the separation of powers. [Right Wing Watch via Gawker]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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175 comments

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          The fourth branch of government is completely independent of the other three, and its powers cannot be constrained by the other three. Just like Guantanamo wasn't under US laws, or Cuban laws.

          Cheney logic is irrefutable — Cheney always had the power, end of story.

          1. bagofmice

            It was so eerie to walk by that restaurant in union station whenever the oil execs were giving Cheney a medal.

      1. Negropolis

        I think you mean "how you should always shoot back into your line whilst quail hunting." Cause, "bitch deserved it." He will teach from his newest textbook:

        "How to Shoot Friends and Influence People"

      1. the_onceler

        Now, now, our absolutely perfect handed down by Jesus constitution would never dignify itself by calling it slavery. "The migration or importation of such persons as any of the states now existing shall think proper to admit"

      1. Negropolis

        I got me a new comic book character. It'll be set in 50's Milwaukee and will include "The Kwanz" (the Black Fonz).

    1. genxr

      The chads are hanging from the tree and the brooks brothers are decking people in the halls. Merry Bushmas One and All!

    2. hooray4anything

      In about fifty years, we'll come out of our tents, eat a special brand of hobo beans, go off to work at MegaloMart and celebrate that day as the day where it all went to hell

  1. user-of-owls

    So apparently my journalism degree DID in fact qualify me to teach Advanced Concepts in Theoretical Quantum Mechanics after all!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Hey, you're more qualified than most of the writers on HuffPo who use quantum mechanics (it's weird!) as their justification for life after death, time travel, immortality and whatever else springs to mind.

      1. SorosBot

        It's simple: most people, like them, don't understand quantum mechanics so they can throw about a bunch of sciencey-sounding words to justify whatever gibberish they want, and claim it's SCIENCE (even though it's not).

  2. SorosBot

    Maybe Scalia can teach them how precedent works, except in one specific case where the Court is basically determining the next President of the United States in a way that just coincidentally favors the party of the majority of justices.

  3. Darthhippy

    I can not describe in the meager vocabulary that I have available to me, how much this worries me about………..pretty much everything that has to do with the government now.

    1. user-of-owls

      You should get in touch with one of the Palin Tourette Girls (I forget…the canard one) if you want to boost your meager vocabulary. Granted, the best you can hope for is that she'd let you in on the secret that Word has a thesaurus function. But maybe she'll show you her tits too.

      Actually, just stick with your current vocabulary. It's perfectly fine.

    1. BorderJumper!

      Yes, but only if you are willing to ignore that separation of church and state thingy on the First Amendment and pretty much anything else they don't agree with.

    2. Boredw/Gravity

      You can bend over and take your "compromise" right here. It's bipartisan, so it won't hurt that much.

      1. Negropolis

        It being bipartisan means that it will hurt twice as much. Actually, it could also be so impotent that it's limp and doesn't hurt, or isn't enjoyed, at all.

    3. hooray4anything

      If it's bipartisan, does this mean Barry will be criticized for not participating? He is a Constitutional Scholar, you know

  4. freakishlywrong

    Your craft? Perhaps instead of studying the Constitution, (another word they are making hate), perhaps you can look in to how a fringe, insane minority has managed to destroy a thriving country by somehow manipulating the media to ignore or re-frame fucking right wing platitudes as fact. That, nutty Shelly, is a craft.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Yeah, her 'craft'. God help America, but I think Meeshell plans to Bedazzle the Constitution, and those other documents, once she's learned more about them just like a linebacker would study "Football for Dummies" AFTER having been drafted into the NFL.

      For fuck's sake. Is this America's Democracy gasping for air in a bathtub full of water?

      1. freakishlywrong

        I can think of other things I'd like to see gasping for air in a bathtub, unfortunately, they're so full of poisonous gas, you gave to physically hold them under 'till they stop squirming.

  5. Fare la Volpe

    This will work great, so long as they skip the chapters on those pesky first, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, fourteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, nineteenth, twenty-fourth, and twenty-seventh amendment thingies.

    HELL YEAH GUNS AND NO QUARTERING! SECOND AND THIRD, AIN'T NO TURD!

    1. the_onceler

      it's always interesting that when the so-called constitutional conservatives talk, they seem to only be talking about parts of the Bill of Rights and not the constitution itself.

    2. Neilist

      Marry me, Fare la Volpe.

      Unless you're a homo, that is. If so, Get Away From Me, you Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM.

      Well, unless you're a Smoking Hot Lesbo, that is. In that case, Allowances Must Be Made For All Of God's Children, Particularly The Kinky Lipstick Lezzies Who Might Let Me Watch . . . .

  6. SayItWithWookies

    In today's lesson, we are going to learn how the Constitution is the literal and ineffable word of the The LORD, except for Article VI, section iii, which was added as a bit of poetic whimsy by a wayward cherub.

    1. el_donaldo

      Why is it that whenever these wingnuts say the separation between church in state isn't actually in the Consitution, nobody asks them about the no religious test for office clause? It's. right. there.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        The clearly stated "no religious test for public office" clause means nothing next to the inference that since the term "The year of Our Lord…" was used to note the date, we're supposed to be a theocracy. Such logic has never led anyone down the path to horrible outcomes, ever — especially trillion-dollar quagmires in distant, unthreatening nations.

  7. Allmighty_Manos

    You're not being fair in accusing Scalia of not being fully bipartisan. He just follows the "GOP always wins" school of Constitutional thought.

  8. Terry

    "First of all, no. Second, your craft is to make and actually pass laws, not to know about documents you should have studied in fifth grade. Or it is supposed to be. "

    Don't discourage her. I'm hoping she and her fellow nutjobs learn the constitutional basis for separation of church and state.

    1. the_onceler

      or the general welfare clause: The Congress shall have power To lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common defence and general welfare of the United States

      1. Chet Kincaid

        "Lay taxes," like a fucking bear trap or something. Every April 15, hardworking Americans are flung in the air and left to dangle by one roped ankle until 1/3 or or more of their monies shake out in the breeze. These falling monies are collected in large bushel baskets by sluts from Alaska and bumfucks from southern states who get way more than they pay in, as is their constimatutional right.

    2. Missyb9479

      "Separation of Church and State means that the Government can't take over religious organizations. Ir doesn't mean that religious organizations can't take over the government!"

      Real thing some idiot in my Con Law class said.

  9. el_donaldo

    I think she meant "bipolar." Manic rage-fests followed by maudlin Jesus/founding father sentimentality.

  10. DoktorZoom

    (waving hand from back row of class) Ooh! Ooh! Ms. Bachmann! Ms. Bachmann! If the Supreme Court decided that Marbury v. Madison was unconstitutional, how would they enforce it?

    1. genxr

      (thumbing through pamphlet sized copy of the Constitution) Ummm…. Nope, that's not in here. Next question?

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    As Ms B is an expert Bible assassin, I am reminded of the story from Ezekiel 23:19-20 19: "Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

      1. Kidneys4Sale

        Looking back, I'm fairly sure my Confirmation Bible was redacted for that sort of shit. I doubt you missed anything.

  12. SenileAgitation

    How come she didn't ask Barack the Constitution perfesser to teach her? Or Clarence? Afraid she'll get too exorcised by black on white/teacher on student rubbing of ideas maybe.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        This is why we must repeal the 14th Amendment.

        & the 13th & 15th, to be neighbourly to the 14th, also.

  13. user-of-owls

    I am genuinely looking forward to Prof. Dizzy-wizzle's lecture on Article 1, Section 2 where it says,

    The actual Enumeration [census] shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years

    Scalia will no doubt cackle that the Framers also wanted to include the clause, "except if deranged mutants with conspiracy-addled brains are somehow offended," but they ran out of ink.

  14. slithytoves

    We’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft, which is studying and learning the Declaration, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.

    Sounds like prison bible study group.

  15. Serolf_Divad

    Such a shame that Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnel was not elected, given that that Scalia's dissent in Lawrence V. Texas basically provided the intellectual framework for her anti-masturbation crusade:

    It seems to me that the “societal reliance” on the principles confirmed in Bowers and discarded today has been overwhelming. Countless judicial decisions and legislative enactments have relied on the ancient proposition that a governing majority’s belief that certain sexual behavior is “immoral and unacceptable” constitutes a rational basis for regulation…State laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obscenity are likewise sustainable only in light of Bowers’ validation of laws based on moral choices. Every single one of these laws is called into question by today’s decision

    The two would probably have argued over who signs the other's program first, then retred to a nearby office to french kiss. Then O'Donnel would have showed him her unkempt pudendum and he would have revealed for her his hairy back. But they'd remain otherwise chaste.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      He forgot child incest, which we call marryin' a cousin here in the South. If she gets pregnant.

    2. SorosBot

      That part always got to me, because he lumps in the "fornication" (which is nothing but people having sex) and masturbation, and laws against those are absolutely ridiculous and should be invalid, just like the sodomy laws at play, so he's not only lumping in masturbation and sodomy with bestiality but presenting a pure positive as a negative.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Fornication is often inferred as sex apart wedlock; even more, in exchange for money. In a word — prostitution.

        Get thee to the fornex!

    3. HistoriCat

      He mentions adult incest … adult incest … so, non-adult incest is OK? Why has this been buried? Scalia says "children – hump 'em if you got 'em."

    4. Vinnie Saltine

      Didn't she take a 3-day course on the topic and therefore she is an expert on the subject?

      Oh, sorry…wrong "craft".

      Hiyo!

  16. the_onceler

    I'm sure they'll skip this part of the constitution since they all just love Arizona's heinous immigration bill: "The Congress shall have power ….To establish a uniform rule of naturalization"

    1. SorosBot

      Or the supremacy clause, which invalidates the Arizona law without even getting into the discrimination issue:

      This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.

  17. WarAndGee

    Alright Consgresswoman Helltwat when you bone up on your documents please return to your district and tell your constituents that no where THEREIN do you find "public education," "social security,""medicare," "Farm subsidies", "interstate highway funding" and proclaim your immediate desire to have all those programs abolished.

    HOLY FUCKING SON OF A MONKEY'S BUTT WHEN ARE YOU TEAFARTS GOING TO GET SPECIFIC ON ANYTHING without mumbling some stupid mushy mouth bullshit rooted in elementary school platitudes.

    Assholes.

    1. Pithaughn

      The specifics are just sitting there, way too close to the details. You know who is in the details? Nuff Sed!

  18. Missyb9479

    Look, Scalia, if you really believe in the idea that government is limited to what is expressly in the Constitution then shouldn't you refuse to rule on any case since the power of Judicial Review is not expressly in the powers of the Supreme Court and it was that activist judge John Marshall who came up with it to piss off the Gov. from Benson?

    I'll take my answer off the air.

    1. V572625694

      Wouldn't be risotto, as he's a Sicilian. Southern Italy's all about marinara (red sauce). And by the way, proscuitto crudo's way better than cotto, which just tastes like ham.

    1. DoktorZoom

      It does if you write in the margins with a Sharpie, which is popularly understood as being in the "penumbra" of the "emanations" of the Bill of Rights, and also perhaps the "aureole" of the "pudendum" of the law as well.

  19. V572625694

    We're going to do what the NFL does, and get totally jazzed up on steroids, then bang into each other for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon, and then: hookers'n'blow till Tuesday morning!

    1. lochnessmonster

      I thought the NFL wanted Bachmann back in MN so she could reinflate the dome with all her hot air.

  20. LionelHutzEsq

    Hey look, Lou Dobbs is alive!

    Well, no, he is on FOX Business, isn't he, which some consider a fate worse than death.

    And, let's face it, we all know when Bachmann says "we’re going to practice every week, if you will, our craft," she really means "Blood Orgy!"

  21. MinAgain

    No doubt the Constitution, being a living document, is holed up in a sleazy bar somewhere, drinking whiskey and muttering to itself about that Bachmann idiot not knowing a constitutional right if it came up and bit her on the ass.

  22. metamarcisf

    We're all gettin' too hung on the separation of church and steak and supreme court and crap like that. Look on the bright side and just imagine the crap that this gang of idiots will be liable to come up with after a few of their classroom pissfests. Really, you can't BUY this kind of material.

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      Okay, OT here, but how did your pee score get to 87 and mine is still languishing in the 50s? I call rat.

  23. hagajim

    The Democrats will impeach Scalia HA! I don't think the weenies could muster the guts to impeach themselves for their massive fail. They'd compromise with the GOP and give their seats up to teabaggers after the public buggerying they would get – to show their willingness to compromise.

    Is buggerying even a word?

  24. assistantatlas

    Scalia teaching Bachmann and the teabaggers about the Constitution … wo. "Blind leading the blind" comes to mind…

    But mainly, I really wish you hadn't reminded me that Lou Dobbs is still alive.

  25. prommie

    Let me guess; Alexander Hamilton was led to the silver tablets on which Jesus wrote the Constitution, in Aramaic, during his visit to North America with the 10 lost tribes of the jews, by the angel Moroni. Hamilton dug up the silver tablets, which were buried beneath a hill, took them home, and he placed the silver tablets in a hat, then, he used the seer-stones, the ummim and the thummim, to translate from the mystical holy language in which Jesus originally wrote the Constitution, and he dictated the translation to George Washington, who used the invisible hand of Adam Smith to write out the text, for freedom!

    1. Ducksworthy

      Yes. Its all right there in Plan 10 from Outer Space (starring Karen Black 1996) Karen finds a Mormon tablet which explains that Joseph Smith was an alien from the planet Kolob who married all those earth women as part of his alien invasion of earth. And we can all see where this led.

  26. Redhead

    Are Constitution sports when you throw the Constitution around and manipulate it to make it say whatever you want it to say, regardless of what it originally said?

    Also, too, "All you have to do is say the word “bipartisan,” and it makes it so!" is basically how Fox News operates, so yeah, there's that.

  27. RedNM

    If their serious then the first thing this class should do is recommend putting a sculpture of Ronald Reagan on Mt. Rushmore, replacing Franklin.

  28. SorosBot

    Will Scalia tell them how he got his magical power to read the dead minds of the Founding Fathers to determine what the Constitution really means, which conveniently always seems to be the same as what he wants?

    1. Ducksworthy

      That, also involves a hat, silver tablets and seeing stones. Only one of those funny Sicilian hats.

  29. bflrtsplk

    Is it just me or is there something not right about the words Justice and Scalia in the same sentence?

  30. Guppy06

    Cut them some slack for wanting to learn more about the Constitution. They're only trying to emulate their hero, constitutional scholar Barack Obama!

  31. problemwithcaring

    Wait, she didn't learn all she ever needed to know about the Constitution at Oral Roberts Law School???

  32. zappadoo76

    I watched the teevee video clip with the sound off cuz I'm at work.

    Jeebus. I'm sexually attracted to her. Isn't that disgusting?

    1. problemwithcaring

      How can you even tell what are you are attracted to? Lou Dobbs has slathered so much Vaseline on the fucking camera lens, all I can see is raccoon eye liner surrounded by a white blur.

    2. Rotundo_

      Watch it with sound. Your genitals will beat a hasty retreat into your abdomen by the 30 second mark. You might need surgery or a corkscrew to extract them afterwards.

  33. Radiotherapy

    I think they should come up with a mission statement for congress. They will need breakout sessions too. One more thing: metrics.

    1. Rotundo_

      Get a black belt on this too, and see if we can't wring a little more efficiency our of the process. We should also do a kaizen to take care of all the waste in this too!

    2. Radiotherapy

      Thank you, I think, for reminding me of synergy and kaizen you two. How about customer service?? Oh, that was good one. Just a few of the great "management du joir." schemes I've been waterboarded with over the years.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Yeah…. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.

        1. Radiotherapy

          I'd say in a given week I only do about fifteen minutes of actual work.
          ♪♫Die, mother fucker, Die, mother fucker♪♫

  34. Bugeyes

    Wait until they find out that George Washington was not a strict constructionist — he believed the Constitution to contain implied powers, so he approved the first national bank.

    Will they kick him off the dollar bill for being a traitor or liberal?

  35. moralturpentine

    Is Lou Dobbs actually less orange these days or has over-exposure to the highly radiant Boehner just made all other orange hues seem wan by comparison?

  36. genxr

    Constitution sports: Running an interference play and then a quarterback sneak. A good hard kick when the ref's not looking doesn't hurt either.

  37. Ducksworthy

    Next time I watch a video of Michele it will be the one of her stapling tea bags to her eyelids, for freedumb.

  38. HempDogbane

    Amazon emailed me today offering to buy back my copy of Dews' Logics of Disintegration.
    It's in great shape and would no doubt bring a pretty penny, but I'm hanging on to it.

  39. twaingirl

    So after raping the Constitution, they are gonna go after the Declaration next. Who needed inalienable rights anyways. (inalienable? them rights from mexxxicoooo?!?)

  40. JustPixelz

    Kinda scary that members of the House of Representatives don't already know the Constitution. Most of these TP-endorsed Repubicans ran for office by claiming to understand the "plain language of the Constitution" and following the "original intent" of the founders (which they know through the magic of paleotelepathy).

    On the other hand, there's no evidence they can be taught so Scalia's indoctrination camp will have no actual effect.

  41. genxr

    Welcome to the Constitutional Reading Club. For our first meeting we will discuss Atlas Shrugged. For next week be sure to read Liberal Fascism.

      1. SorosBot

        Do you think they would actually read it? No, they just trust what their priest or pastor says, which skips over all the god-is-a-genocidal-monster parts and the hippie-socialist Jesus-wants-you-to-use-all-your-money-to-help-the-poor parts; they know that actually reading the thing is one of the top sources of conversions to atheism.

  42. trampndirtdown

    Every week? Its not like your studying fucking Faust! We are talking about a pretty short document that you should have read by six grade. How fucking long is it going to take this bunch of Trigs to read this.

  43. Negropolis

    "Practice our craft," eh? You know who else speaks of the craft? I'm sure Christine O'Donnell would be happy to help in your re-education summer camps.

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