Jack Abramoff has finished his six-month stint working at Tov Pizza, “a modest kosher pizzeria in a heavily Jewish section of northwest Baltimore” — a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. So yes, if you purchased a pizza from this place recently, you probably shouldn’t have been charged $7.4 million in various “handling,” “effort,” “anti-pizza-poison” fees. Also, if you caught him in a suite at a Ravens game with his arm around a pepperoni, he should not have been doing that. What he should have been doing is screaming at a teenager, in a kosher manner, to put more cheese on the dough before he passes it to him to put in the oven.
But the notorious temporary employee had little trouble fitting in.
“He got along really well with everybody working here,” Rosenbluth said.
Because somehow everyone found their pockets lined with $100 bills after they asked him to clean the bathroom. [AP via Alex Hart]
{ 66 comments }
I can't believe they gave him another job handling this much dough.
Outfit from the Meyer Lansky Collection.
"I am a retired investor on a pension, and I wished to work in a pizza parlor as a Jew in the twilight of my life."
I'm not sure this asshole in in his 50's yet, we're probably going to have him around for a while.
He's 52. That said, if he keeps putting on weight the way has been, "for a while" may be pushing it.
One can only hope, he is a worthless fuck.
Community service in a restaurant…
Kosher pizza…
Abramoff "free"…
DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Kosher pepperoni does not compute. The pizza joint does, after all organized crime has been known to hide in pizza joints.
The whole kosher pizza concept doesn't compute. Meat and dairy together? Hello?
The website doesn't tell you much but I assume that the raison d'être is a place where one could get a meat free pizza or cheese free pizza.
Hell, even the "Spaghetti & Meatballs" says "Cheese optional"
Considering that Gambling isn't as lucrative as it used to be. He might as well start a pizza joint and hire all those Marianas slave workers he helped oppress.
Shhhh. Not supposed to talk about that.
That sounds like a pitch for an NBC mid-season replacement sitcom.
Abramoff, 51, is an Orthodox Jew and wore a yarmulke to work.
Sure, all yarmulkes look like fedoras.
Well I guess I can finally throw my "Free Abramoff" T-shirt in the dumpster.
This model corporate capitalist was totally shafted by the vast liberal media conspiracy and their socialist accomplices in the secret anti-American US Muslim government.
Free Bernie!
Speaking of Tea Shirts I am pissed they're out of stock on the Don't Tea Bag on Me Shirts. I have a Tea Bag sister in law and she needs one bad.
A shirt or a tea baggin'?
Yes.
"I'll take the Injun Casino special, Jack!"
He's been rehabilitated and the Republicans have won back control of the House. Is there a downside?
Or a coincidence?
Actually, that's two downsides.
Is it a downside, or will Jack go back to his old bribey ways and take down a chunk of the Republican Congress down with him again?
I'm sure Jack has learned his lesson.
And by "learned his lesson" I mean he'll do a much better job of covering his tracks.
For the GOP, Abramoff is going to have to find Jesus if he hopes to be fully rehabilitated.
Is it me, or does that trench-coat… lack labels?
At least he paid a nominal debt to society, unlike most of his cronies. Working in the pizza joint was probably a lot more humiliating (and demanding) than his club fed stint, though.
I don't know, I was thinking he may have enjoyed the pepperoni and sauce in prison.
So that's why the pizza place was filled with slot machines.
It's too bad they let him out just after Delay was convicted; just think of the wacky hijinks that could ensue if the two of them were cellmates.
Had to let him go to make room for Delay. Only problem will be that the pizzas will have that faint aroma of rat poison from now on.
I am so pitching that sit-com to CBS.
But it could have been a reality show instead, and we missed the chance.
So, in the end, did Abramoff serve more or less time in jail than the kid that hacked Palin's email? I'm betting less.
Hey, all the man wants is his little piece of the pie.
That story's pretty cheesy.
Fine minds and slow refresh rates. Huzzzahh!
Meh. I always found him very cheesy…
I believe a kosher pizza is velveeta cheese and katchup on an English Muffin…
A few seconds in the microwave and you're doing Fine Dining!
Don't give up the menu for the first Palin State Dinner.
if JA tries to defund pizza, he will finally suffer the indignant wrath of the masses
I love pizza. WHAT??!! IT'S FUCKING LUNCHTIME!!11!
Well, considering they were going to have him serve Halal Campbell's in a soup kitchen on Federal Hill, I'd say he made out pretty good.
OMG Abramoff is freed days before a Republican controlled House takes office?!? Its a Christmas miracle!
um, a Chanukah miracle, perhaps?
Ka Pow! Another shot fired in the war on Christmas! Damn you Abramoff
"a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. "
Ruining DeLay's beautiful life was the mitigating circumstance that got him such a light sentence.
If only we could joke about the jobs Ralph Reed and Ollie North had post-prison.
Oliver North is an innocent man!
Sort of.
Now I wanna see Tom DeLay doing time at a BBQ Joint.
I hear that's the safest place if you're askeerda muslins. Me, I will be seeking out a nice halal place, guaranteed teabagger free!
There is no chance that Jack Abramoff will be able to resist the actions he has been programmed to perform: taking money from credulous rubes and giving it to the most foul creatures in Congress.
The foul creatures–all of them minus Bernie Sanders and Dennis Kucinich–will reflexively take the money.
I'm sure Jack is headed back to Capitol Hill now so he can get his piece of the pie.
I could see G.W. Bush as a "sewer diver" in Calcutta.
Big Jack Abramoff. Raised up in a world where being big and ugly means bad. He has bought his own hype, as his wardrobe choice reveals. If he was lucky, he didn't run into any REAL badasses in that minimum-security "Y" he was gracing. What an amoral worthless pussyfart; and we're sharing our air with him. A fucking shame.
I am sad . I thought Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint was Wonkette code for dead .
The funny thing about Jack Emhof is the depths to which he sunk in the cesspool of politics. Seriously, the game is scum on top of scum wrapped in scum iced in scum. While some of what lobbyists do may be "legal", you can bet a large portion of their peddling influence is gray zone at best. And guess who makes the rules?
So the fact that one of these players actually was so egregious as to be convicted, well he must have been very special indeed. At least he didn't get censured.
Oy, the earful he must have gotten from his bubbe when he came home for that first Shabbat. "Jackie, you were such a nice Jewish boy too…"
Abramoff … developed marketing and customer outreach strategies [for the pizzeria]
In other words, he sold drugs out the back door.
I hated eating there, you had to sneak him a little extra money under the counter or he'd cut you a smaller slice.
Ciao, farshtunkeneh goniff.
So how many hours at minimum wage did he have to put in to afford a ticket to see Kevin Spacey in "Casino Jack", opening in Baltimore and the rest of the nation this Friday?
It'd be funny if his name was Abe Jackromoff
Jack is the Living Embodiment of The American Dream. It's true – anybody can get ahead with limited intelligence and personality if they're willing to roll around on the low road in the slop pits with the swine that run this show.
Real ambition and smarts, coupled with a strong ethical sense will only get you a foreclosed home and loss of your investment cash. If you're lucky, you may be able to squeeze out some defined retirement benefits and shitty health insurance if you have a job.
The system works!
I hear Jack Abramoff really quit because somebody built a BBQ joint across the street and all of Baltimore's Muslins sought refuge inside the pizza shop.
This is a hilarious website! Made my day so far and the story's not even at the speed of light.
Comments on this entry are closed.