Michael Moore Posts Bail For Fellow America-Hater Julian Assange

  that will be some new year's party

In the holiday spirit.
WikiLeaks America-hater-droid Julian Assange has finally been released on bail for not wearing a condom while in Sweden or whatever, and his bail was paid in part by the less Internetty, more fattily American Julian Assange, Michael Moore. Assange now “must reside at Ellingham Hall, a Georgian mansion in Bungay, eastern England,” which would be a tough sentence for any criminal.

No wonder those hoodies like stabbing people so much. They get to live in a mansion while out on bail!

Mr. Assange must spend every night at the mansion and will be electronically tagged so that police can track his movements, the judge said.

And each night one of his mansion-mates will be found dead. Will he be next? Find out on the next Big Brother: Hercule Poirot Mysteries.

In a packed courtroom hearing lasting nearly an hour a week ago, Gemma Lindfield, a lawyer acting for the Swedish government, outlined some of the detailed allegations against Mr. Assange made by the Swedish women, both WikiLeaks volunteers. They involved three incidents , including one in which Mr. Assange was alleged to have had unprotected sex with one of his accusers as she was asleep.

In court last week, Mr. Assange refused to give a current address, giving first a post office box, then an address in Parkville in the Australian state of Victoria, where he lived before adopting a nomadic lifestyle since founding WikiLeaks in 2006.

This guy is the best. Can we cancel Christmas and have another Halloween so we can all dress up as various forms of Julian Assange?

BUT PLEASE, EVERYONE, THIS IS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE. That man put up a whole $20,000 of Assange’s $310,000 bail, so basically all of it. [NYT/Michael Moore]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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120 comments

  1. V572625694

    It's hard to decide which of these well-intentioned assholes to like less.

    No one comes to Wonkette for conundra like this!

          1. Numbat_Dundee

            Its curious in this regard that Conundra is a Melbourne suburb next to Parkville. It's an Aboriginal word meaning "truck nutz".

    1. moralturpentine

      Yeah, if the Brits are going to make it so easy they should have just gone all out and made him reside in Twatt.

      1. BarryOPotter

        …and made him reside in Twatt

        Which one? Downing-upon-Twatt in Yorkshire, Cleft-Twatt in Wales or Thurrock-on-Twatt in Essex?

    2. Not_So_Much

      Big, hairy Bear Michael Moore sprung waifish, blond, will o' the wisp Julian to be locked up in Bungay. I mean, at least try to make us work a little.

    1. OhHellToTheNo

      Aww, I wanted it to be called Julian and Me Go Get A Sick Bowl Cut On 9/11.

      They'd become buddies and wear baseball caps, and then when Julian's hair grew back, they'd fulfill their pact to get bowl cuts. Using the caps as the bowl.

      Can that at least be on the DVD as a bonus short?

    1. Negropolis

      "Bearback Journalist" Sounds like the perfect meme for Jules. It's like Brokeback Mountain, only with moar heterosexuality.

  2. johnnyzhivago

    Yes, but he must reside in Ellington Hall – AND – be forced to watch "Remains of the Day" – repeatedly – 24 hours a day – until all of his idealism is replaced by self pity and gloom.

    1. JustPixelz

      "Remains of the Day" is waaaay longer than 24 hours. At least it seemed that way when I sat through it.

      1. genxr

        I desperately wanted to scream out my true feelings, "Turn this movie off!" but it just didn't seem proper, so I suffered in quiet dignity to the end.

  3. JoeMamased

    Michael Moore just wants to find out how he can get in on some of that sweet, sweet "Swedish volunteer" action.

    1. HistoriCat

      I want to find out how to get in on some of that Swedish volunteer action.

      Today we are all Michael Moore.

  4. SystemError

    Hopefully the Swedes, the Brits, Interpol, etc. will keep up the intense energy to catch and extradite this one (alleged) sexual offender to catch the thousands of other sex criminals in hiding around the world.

  5. OhHellToTheNo

    This reminds me of the Roman Polanski supporters, who couldn't distance themselves from the crime (except in the case accusation of a crime) and his film-making.

    Is Michael Moore going to go around posting bail for every asshole accused with a crime that is not clearly connected with their journalistic-type endeavor? It isn't like Assange is being charged with terrorism because of Wikileaks and that's why he's being held. Sure, the some people may say there's a connection but there's no proof of that.

    In conclusion, shut up, Michael Moore.

    1. Guppy06

      Polanski drugged and raped a minor. This asshat just had a condom tear and got caught sleeping around, which is apparently illegal in Sweden in some weird way unique among developed nations.

      Slight difference.

      1. OhHellToTheNo

        You're missing my point. It's not about the crime itself, it's about the fact that he's being charged with a crime that happened in Sweden and had NOTHING to do with Wikileaks.

        The law existing is ridiculous but it exists.

        Defending him on this is not protecting free speech and, how Michael Moore feels about his Wikileaks work shouldn't be tied to this. How you feel about one aspect of what he does, doesn't mean suddenly absolve him from the negative aspects.

        If Michael Moore thinks the law is ridiculous, then maybe he should make a statement about the law being insane. Or, better yet, just post the bail and not even say anything at all. But to make this about Wikileaks is ridiculous. It's really about Julian Assange being charged with a crime that's not about the information Wikileaks releasing.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            This is completely and utterly about Wikileaks. If Assange was just another finger-bangin' schmoe no one ever heard of, his name would be mouldering at the bottom of a mile deep stack of paper on Interpol's desk.

            That is *if* the Swedish girlfriends had bothered to report his transgressions at all. Which they probably wouldn't have, but for his high profile.

        1. Guppy06

          "it's about the fact that he's being charged with a crime that happened in Sweden and had NOTHING to do with Wikileaks."

          Because the guy couldn't possibly have fingerbanged groupies before he pissed off the US government, or at least said groupies couldn't possibly have been left disappointed/angry until after the first batch of leaks about Afghanistan?

          Even if it is just coincidence, now he "just happens" to find himself detained in a country very friendly to the US government, for an act that, at first blush, isn't even illegal in the detaining country?

          Our government has extraordinarily rendered people for less.

          1. Guppy06

            Assange is just some guy who's accused of sex crimes in the same sense Litvinenko is just some guy who got food poisoning.

        2. An_Outhouse

          The crime in Sewden is subject to a $700 fine. For that, they call out Interpol and incarcerate him in England? I agree with you in general, but not in this case.

        3. pdiddycornchips

          He hasn't been charged with any crime, the Swiss only want him for "questioning" in connection with the rape charge. Anyone who thinks this is normal behavior for international law enforcement is sniffing glue. If it is, where's the international arrest warrants for Silvio Berlusconi and Charlie Sheen?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      BofA must think it's pretty bad shit, because even the military has only wrung its figurative hands over previous leaks, while the banks seem to be taking real action. Criminal, terrorist, organized crime, Big Brother type of action to be sure, but action nonetheless.

      1. BarryOPotter

        I think he may also have hair down to his knees, and he's got to be a joker. I mean, the guy just do what he please! Who lives like that?! I mean, ya can't jus go about finger banging Swedes at parties, I don't care how transparent you are. It's just not done, man. It's just not done.

  6. Katydid

    I'm starting to hate both of them, and I don't disagree with their ideals. I think know why:

    Media whores are whorish.

  7. hagajim

    I think I'd much rather deal with Assange and Moore as media whores than the ultimate media whore Sarah Palin, at least they provide something of value….bucolic buffalo.

    1. GOPCrusher

      At least Michael Moore actually produces something for general consumption. Bible Spice's media whoring is limited to a series of "LOOK AT ME!" moments.

  8. HipHop0Potamus

    Now now, the punishment seems quite reasonable, once you hear of the stipulation that afternoon tea won't be served until 5:30 PM.

    1. BarryOPotter

      My God. Has England also unilaterally decided to ignore the Geneva Convention?

      The sun has truly set on Empire. A moment of silence and a drop from the royal pimp cup (tastefully decorated with select bits of the Magna Carta) for our dead hommies, if it so please my lords and ladies… I never thought I'd see the day when this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England would be the lap dog of a former col– oh fcuk it, the drinks tray just rolled in…

  9. KochFembot

    Wonder if the Brits implanted Assange with a chip, so even after he gets rid of the tracking bracelet, they will know where he is?

  10. OneDollarJuana

    Will Wikileaks release the police records of Assange's ankle bracelet whereabouts? 8:14 am – bedroom. 8:15 am – bathroom. 8:21 am – kitchen. 8:53 am – front window…

    1. pattycake

      They're not recording his whereabouts, they're tracking his movements:
      2010-12-14 6:14 AM – nothing
      2010-12-14 8:47 AM – nothing
      2010-12-14 11:03 AM – Large, cylindrical. Some blood.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Pattycake, I think you've found a new home here in Wonkette, where not just poop jokes, but oddly specific poop jokes are always welcome. I predict high pee values in your future!

        1. pattycake

          Thanks! I rarely comment, because you all do it so much better than I could. I've been here since the AMC/Butterstick/Washingtonienne days.

    1. ttommyunger

      Oh yes, another horse to beat on Faux for hours and hours, knocking down trees, bushes and flowers.

  11. BlueStateLibel

    Now that Interpol has captured master sex criminal Assange, can they now continue their normal sex-policing work? Like capturing that creep who rubbed up against me in the subway in 1998. Thanks.

  12. PompousMagnus

    I've been to Bungay. It's actually rather nice and has one of the greatest breweries on the planet (St. Peter's) on its outskirts. I'd take that "punishment" any day.

  13. JustPixelz

    Smart move by Michael Moore: Putting up $20K for someone who has "adopted a nomadic lifestyle". But unfortunately this will anger all 5 of the conservatives in his target audience.

  14. Not_So_Much

    Doesn't really speak impressively of him that he (allegedly) boned a sleeping woman and, uhm, she kept sleeping…

    1. jim89048

      I was always led to believe that sleeping women didn't leak. If she was asleep through the "performance", how did she know? Or did Julian go bragging about it to his mates?

      1. mumbly_joe

        Well, there's sleep-sex, which has been known to happen. Maybe it was surprize sleep-buttsecks? That's also been known to happen. Or so I hear.

        Although, sometimes, both parties wake up in the middle of the deed.

        And sometimes, they keep going, because they're both down with it.

        A gentleman would still wear a rubber, somehow, though. (Sometimes, he already is, from the evening's prior sexcapades)

        1. mumbly_joe

          Wow, I don't even want to know which of you Wonkette superfreaks thumbed-up the above comment. (Or maybe I do, hmmm.)

          1. Alex_P

            Me.

            Does that count as consenting to surprize sleep buttsecks?

            If so… not me. That other guy. Over there. You just missed him.

    2. chicken_thief

      Proving/disproving the allegation could make for great courtroom scenes. Especially if the barristers wear their powdered wigs…

      1. Numbat_Dundee

        Especially as his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson, is an old mate and former partner of the bloke who wrote Rumpole.

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    Is Michael Moore doing this to deliberately provoke Sarah Palin to go on another tirade against treason being committed by an Australian against the USA using his Swedish-based webservers? Because that shit just never gets old, amirite?

  16. comrad_darkness

    You know what I like about Michael Moore. He realizes the right will hate him whether he panders to their sore little fee fees or just does what he wants. Unlike some I could name.

    1. BarryOPotter

      "Julian, we're gettin' complaints from the neighbors that you're walkin' about the estate without your gloves again. Is this true, Julian. We've talked about this. Haven't we? Don't you point that at me, mistah! Right! That's your 3rd ASBO!"

  17. stew1

    Looks like some Fox Newsers have dropped by. Fuck you assholes–dude's my new hero, condom usage or not.

  18. Allmighty_Manos

    If I didn't think our economic and political system was in danger of devolving into a Mad Max scenario in the next ten years, I might actually care about this.

  19. pdiddycornchips

    It's a corporatist world, we're only allowed to live in it if we do our worthless jobs and don't make problems. When someone does not conform, they are dealt with harshly. Mr. Assange is learning this lesson the hard way. We're taught to respect the rule of law, to believe justice will win out in the end. That's a fantasy like St. Nick and the tooth fairy. Some laws are situational, like say, foreclosure laws or anything having to do with the securitization process. Others are less so, examples include guaranteed bonuses for I bankers. Mr. Assange is dangerous not because of anything he's leaked or may leak in the future. He's dangerous because he's shown it's possible to get information out there that hasn't been edited and approved by our corporate masters.

  20. zappadoo76

    Like any good restaurant, Anna Ardin has a dress code. No entry for unclothed peckers. And disrobing after entry is a criminal offense.

  21. notreelyhelping

    Ron Paul has gone on record defending Wikileaks, which means Ron Paul and Michael Moore are on the same page…which is why I'm watching out the window for flaming wheels to part the sky.

  22. transfatz

    "not wearing a condom while in Sweden"

    Passengers, we are beginning our descent to Stockholm. Please return seats to their upright position. At this point we ask you to turn off all vibrators. Flight attendants will be coming up the aisles to make sure condoms are securely fastened…

  23. LakeAfflicted

    Julian Assange sort of reminds me of a silverfish. I just Googled "silverfish" to find out whether a silverfish is properly called an insect, and I learned they're sometimes referred to as "carpet sharks." That's all I have.

Comments are closed.