This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that’s the title we’re giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for UPI at the shabby headquarters behind the White House, back when Bill Clinton was still officially president.
It’s about the Baby Jesus! And it’s a bunch of immature crap, but whatever:
In Charleston, West Virginia, and Tacoma, Washington, it was the same pathetic story. Somebody grabbed the baby and the town went berserk. “Why,” they ask, “why oh why?”
Why? Because as long as there are people who worship a piece of baby-shaped factory-made junk with a hole in its ass for the lightbulb, there will be people waiting to take it away.
There is nothing as seductive and cheaply rewarding as the callous theft of a plastic baby Jesus from an outdoor nativity scene. Maybe those without spiritual training don’t see the fun of snatching Christianity’s most sacred icon of innocence and grace, but the Jesus freaks certainly see the horror — and that’s what really counts.
Thanks to Mat Honan for continuing to maintain the old GettingIt archives. There’s only one place on the Internet where you can read Andrei Codrescu and R.U. Sirius and Annalee Newitz and Paul Krassner and Mark Frauenfelder and Robert Anton Wilson and your editor in the same place. What a weird thing that was …. [Getting It]