HOLIDAY DROPPINGS  10:05 pm December 13, 2010

An American Holiday Classic: Bye Bye, Baby Jesus

by Ken Layne

This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that’s the title we’re giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for UPI at the shabby headquarters behind the White House, back when Bill Clinton was still officially president.

It’s about the Baby Jesus! And it’s a bunch of immature crap, but whatever:

In Charleston, West Virginia, and Tacoma, Washington, it was the same pathetic story. Somebody grabbed the baby and the town went berserk. “Why,” they ask, “why oh why?”

Why? Because as long as there are people who worship a piece of baby-shaped factory-made junk with a hole in its ass for the lightbulb, there will be people waiting to take it away.

There is nothing as seductive and cheaply rewarding as the callous theft of a plastic baby Jesus from an outdoor nativity scene. Maybe those without spiritual training don’t see the fun of snatching Christianity’s most sacred icon of innocence and grace, but the Jesus freaks certainly see the horror — and that’s what really counts.

Thanks to Mat Honan for continuing to maintain the old GettingIt archives. There’s only one place on the Internet where you can read Andrei Codrescu and R.U. Sirius and Annalee Newitz and Paul Krassner and Mark Frauenfelder and Robert Anton Wilson and your editor in the same place. What a weird thing that was …. [Getting It]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Troubledog December 13, 2010 at 10:17 pm

When the kids brought that damned plastic Jesus to dinner. Oy, Helen. I could have died!

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 12:58 am

Best seder ever.

Negropolis December 13, 2010 at 10:20 pm

Shameless plug, eh? Excellent.*

*said in voice of Montgomery C. Burns.

1999. By internet standards, this is an veritable antiquity, my friend. And yet, the annual snatching of the Baby Jesus is still very much in vogue:

Someone want to help me with inserting a link? I'm sure it's some simple html shit, but I'm computer illiterate, here.

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 11:25 am

Insert a link this way (replace the [ with < and replace the ] with >):

Before the word(s) you wanted linked on:

[a href="LINKY"] words to highlight and link on [/a]

Of course, replace LINKY with the URL. The quotes are part of the HTML.

You can practice by opening notepad, or whatever equivalent there is on a Mac by doing this:

Open notepad
Type in the code
Save the file with an HTML or HTM extension.
"Open File" in your browser and open the file.
Look and admire your HTML skills.

Hope this helps,and hope I didn't screw it up.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 11:43 am

Would you mind repeating that?

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 11:49 am

Oh, a wiseguy, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Why, I oughta…..

tribbzthesquidz December 13, 2010 at 10:24 pm

Frank McCourt has a book about that whole stolen baby jeebus thing. Quite possible it isn't just vandalism. Anyway…
Thanks for the RAW link. Haven't read those that I recall. Will check into the others as well.

OkieDokieDog December 13, 2010 at 10:33 pm

NOT the baby Jebus!

The new Tea Party/Conservative Christian members of Gummnit will surely make the stealing of the baby Jebus a death penalty crime.

trampndirtdown December 14, 2010 at 9:31 am

We need a contitutional amendment!1!

MiniMencken December 13, 2010 at 10:34 pm

Now what is that Mexican Indian gardener of mine trying to do with a baby's snatch? I'm going to need more information — and soon — before I take my evening meds.

twoeightnine December 13, 2010 at 10:54 pm

You know who else stole the Baby Jesus? Mary.

bumfug December 14, 2010 at 12:51 am

She stole grown-up Jesus. that's even harder.

Negropolis December 14, 2010 at 2:22 am

I mean, he must have outweighed her by like what? 30, 40 lbs?

bumfug December 14, 2010 at 2:35 am

After drainage.

jim89048 December 13, 2010 at 11:44 pm

The nativity I grew up with had a moose in it, until it got stolen. Why didn't they steal haysoos instead?

trampndirtdown December 14, 2010 at 9:33 am

If there was a camera crew around then maybe the Alaskunt shot it.

chascates December 13, 2010 at 11:52 pm

Nothing celebrates the birth of our Savior like buying a cheaply-made plastic white baby made by slave laborers in China who are both communist and atheist and insisting on putting it in a government-sanctioned location where it's sure to get removed because of this 'Constitution' crap.

That, and buying a singing largemouth bass at Walmart.

transfatz December 14, 2010 at 5:08 am

A singing largemouth baby Jesus? Awww, you shouldn't have, but it's exactly what I wanted.

HurricaneAli December 13, 2010 at 11:58 pm

Yep, that's why you gotta put your creche on the rooftop, like everyone in my neighborhood.

SorosBot December 14, 2010 at 12:15 am

Sounds like the work of one of those sneaky four-year-old girls who haven't learned the concept of other people's property yet.

bumfug December 14, 2010 at 12:36 am

I wonder how far I'd get if I called the cops and told them I left a bunch of shit out near the street and now some asswipe stole it?

LionelHutzEsq December 14, 2010 at 12:40 am

I will only worship the baby Jesus when he is made out of gold and not socialist plastic.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2010 at 1:23 am

Is this a problem? My creche features a Dick Cheney lying in a manger made from the bones of innocent children and nobody's come near it. Maybe because one of the magi is sprawled out in front of the stable with shotgun pellets in his face.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 11:45 am

And giving thanks for same shotgun pellets in his face, and apologies for getting in their way.

Guppy06 December 14, 2010 at 2:13 am

Stolen? How do they know baby Jesus wasn't Raptured away?

transfatz December 14, 2010 at 5:12 am

"with a hole in its ass for the lightbulb"

Priest: "Oh is that what it's for."

snoopyfan2010 December 14, 2010 at 8:02 am

Great, now I can walk into work with a smirk on my face.

BornInATrailer December 14, 2010 at 9:28 am

Ahh, that time of year when I get to open that old, dusty box of linguistic decorations and use phrases like "naivety scene."

It's the most wonderful time of the year..

metamarcisf December 14, 2010 at 9:33 am

Stealing a plastic baby from an outdoor nativity scene must and should trigger an Amber Alert. End of story.

elviouslyqueer December 14, 2010 at 10:04 am

All hail plywood Jesus!

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 11:46 am

Plastic, asswipe! This IS the 21st Century (in some places).

natoslug December 14, 2010 at 12:15 pm

I prefer the hemp Jesus. After christmas, roll him, light him, and enjoy the rapture. The bible doesn't say you can't inhale the body of Christ, right?

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Catholics imbibe, why not inhale? Just because Bubba didn't don't make it bad.

AutomaticPilot December 14, 2010 at 10:28 am

Barbara Bush would need a super huge jar for that.

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 11:34 am

Ken, I'm impressed, and, no, I'm not being sarcastic, but since this is Wonkette, I do need to point out that the most popular story right now on GettingIt is "My Pussy's On Fire: The story of a woman and her diseased cunt," and no, I'm not linking to it. I'm afraid to even click on it.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 11:47 am

I know that woman.

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 11:51 am

And here I thought the oldz were supposed to be gentlemanly. Well, at least you didn't name her.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 2:53 pm

To us, that means supporting our weight on our elbows, when we're on top.

natoslug December 14, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Wow. Clicked on it, read it, and am so glad I'm not a woman. And then I clicked on another link to the story, and noticed some racist asshole tacked on an extra paragraph to make it sound like the whole story is about what happens when you have sex with black men.

Katydid December 14, 2010 at 12:51 pm

The fuck? Some people are just completely twisted, and I don't mean the woman with the monster yeast infections.Yikes.

ttommyunger December 14, 2010 at 11:48 am

Are there no lengths the terrorists will not go to pursue their diabolical War On Christmas? Apparently not, apparently not.

Mumbletypeg December 14, 2010 at 12:49 pm

…I dont' care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic (baby) jesus…

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Makes my dashboard look something fine.

MinAgain December 14, 2010 at 1:55 pm

This wouldn't happen, if they followed the Methodist model and had a living Nativity Scene. Not only is it quite lovely, it keeps your juvenile delinquents rooted to one place, wrapped up in Mom's best sheets and towels, for hours at a time.

FlipOffResearch December 15, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Nice link to proto-Wonkette Layne material. Somehow, it’s reassuring that Layne was convinced the US was in decline even in the, what we now consider prosperous, year of 1999.

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