This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that’s the title we’re giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for UPI at the shabby headquarters behind the White House, back when Bill Clinton was still officially president.

It’s about the Baby Jesus! And it’s a bunch of immature crap, but whatever:

In Charleston, West Virginia, and Tacoma, Washington, it was the same pathetic story. Somebody grabbed the baby and the town went berserk. “Why,” they ask, “why oh why?”

Why? Because as long as there are people who worship a piece of baby-shaped factory-made junk with a hole in its ass for the lightbulb, there will be people waiting to take it away.

There is nothing as seductive and cheaply rewarding as the callous theft of a plastic baby Jesus from an outdoor nativity scene. Maybe those without spiritual training don’t see the fun of snatching Christianity’s most sacred icon of innocence and grace, but the Jesus freaks certainly see the horror — and that’s what really counts.

Thanks to Mat Honan for continuing to maintain the old GettingIt archives. There’s only one place on the Internet where you can read Andrei Codrescu and R.U. Sirius and Annalee Newitz and Paul Krassner and Mark Frauenfelder and Robert Anton Wilson and your editor in the same place. What a weird thing that was …. [Getting It]

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  • Troubledog

    When the kids brought that damned plastic Jesus to dinner. Oy, Helen. I could have died!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Best seder ever.

  • Negropolis
    • Katydid

      Insert a link this way (replace the [ with < and replace the ] with >):

      Before the word(s) you wanted linked on:

      [a href="LINKY"] words to highlight and link on [/a]

      Of course, replace LINKY with the URL. The quotes are part of the HTML.

      You can practice by opening notepad, or whatever equivalent there is on a Mac by doing this:

      Open notepad
      Type in the code
      Save the file with an HTML or HTM extension.
      "Open File" in your browser and open the file.
      Look and admire your HTML skills.

      Hope this helps,and hope I didn't screw it up.

      • ttommyunger

        Would you mind repeating that?

        • Katydid

          Oh, a wiseguy, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

          • ttommyunger

            Why, I oughta…..

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Frank McCourt has a book about that whole stolen baby jeebus thing. Quite possible it isn't just vandalism. Anyway…
    Thanks for the RAW link. Haven't read those that I recall. Will check into the others as well.

  • OkieDokieDog

    NOT the baby Jebus!

    The new Tea Party/Conservative Christian members of Gummnit will surely make the stealing of the baby Jebus a death penalty crime.

  • MiniMencken

    Now what is that Mexican Indian gardener of mine trying to do with a baby's snatch? I'm going to need more information — and soon — before I take my evening meds.

  • You know who else stole the Baby Jesus? Mary.

    • bumfug

      She stole grown-up Jesus. that's even harder.

      • Negropolis

        I mean, he must have outweighed her by like what? 30, 40 lbs?

        • bumfug

          After drainage.

  • jim89048

    The nativity I grew up with had a moose in it, until it got stolen. Why didn't they steal haysoos instead?

    • If there was a camera crew around then maybe the Alaskunt shot it.

  • chascates

    Nothing celebrates the birth of our Savior like buying a cheaply-made plastic white baby made by slave laborers in China who are both communist and atheist and insisting on putting it in a government-sanctioned location where it's sure to get removed because of this 'Constitution' crap.

    That, and buying a singing largemouth bass at Walmart.

    • transfatz

      A singing largemouth baby Jesus? Awww, you shouldn't have, but it's exactly what I wanted.

  • Yep, that's why you gotta put your creche on the rooftop, like everyone in my neighborhood.

  • SorosBot

    Sounds like the work of one of those sneaky four-year-old girls who haven't learned the concept of other people's property yet.

  • bumfug

    I wonder how far I'd get if I called the cops and told them I left a bunch of shit out near the street and now some asswipe stole it?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I will only worship the baby Jesus when he is made out of gold and not socialist plastic.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Is this a problem? My creche features a Dick Cheney lying in a manger made from the bones of innocent children and nobody's come near it. Maybe because one of the magi is sprawled out in front of the stable with shotgun pellets in his face.

    • ttommyunger

      And giving thanks for same shotgun pellets in his face, and apologies for getting in their way.

  • Guppy06

    Stolen? How do they know baby Jesus wasn't Raptured away?

  • transfatz

    "with a hole in its ass for the lightbulb"

    Priest: "Oh is that what it's for."

    • snoopyfan2010

      Great, now I can walk into work with a smirk on my face.

  • BornInATrailer

    Ahh, that time of year when I get to open that old, dusty box of linguistic decorations and use phrases like "naivety scene."

    It's the most wonderful time of the year..

  • metamarcisf

    Stealing a plastic baby from an outdoor nativity scene must and should trigger an Amber Alert. End of story.

  • elviouslyqueer

    All hail plywood Jesus!

    • ttommyunger

      Plastic, asswipe! This IS the 21st Century (in some places).

      • natoslug

        I prefer the hemp Jesus. After christmas, roll him, light him, and enjoy the rapture. The bible doesn't say you can't inhale the body of Christ, right?

        • ttommyunger

          Catholics imbibe, why not inhale? Just because Bubba didn't don't make it bad.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Barbara Bush would need a super huge jar for that.

  • Katydid

    Ken, I'm impressed, and, no, I'm not being sarcastic, but since this is Wonkette, I do need to point out that the most popular story right now on GettingIt is "My Pussy's On Fire: The story of a woman and her diseased cunt," and no, I'm not linking to it. I'm afraid to even click on it.

    • ttommyunger

      I know that woman.

      • Katydid

        And here I thought the oldz were supposed to be gentlemanly. Well, at least you didn't name her.

        • ttommyunger

          To us, that means supporting our weight on our elbows, when we're on top.

    • natoslug

      Wow. Clicked on it, read it, and am so glad I'm not a woman. And then I clicked on another link to the story, and noticed some racist asshole tacked on an extra paragraph to make it sound like the whole story is about what happens when you have sex with black men.

      • Katydid

        The fuck? Some people are just completely twisted, and I don't mean the woman with the monster yeast infections.Yikes.

  • ttommyunger

    Are there no lengths the terrorists will not go to pursue their diabolical War On Christmas? Apparently not, apparently not.

  • Mumbletypeg

    …I dont' care if it rains or freezes
    Long as I got my plastic (baby) jesus…

  • horsedreamer_1

    Makes my dashboard look something fine.

  • MinAgain

    This wouldn't happen, if they followed the Methodist model and had a living Nativity Scene. Not only is it quite lovely, it keeps your juvenile delinquents rooted to one place, wrapped up in Mom's best sheets and towels, for hours at a time.

  • FlipOffResearch

    Nice link to proto-Wonkette Layne material. Somehow, it’s reassuring that Layne was convinced the US was in decline even in the, what we now consider prosperous, year of 1999.

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