i feel free

North Korea Wants Eric Clapton

Gross, old man.According to diplomacy nip-slip site WikiLeaks, North Korea loves Eric Clapton and wants him to perform in their country as a Clapton-American favor of “good will,” which is what North Koreans call temporarily halting their development of nuclear weapons and targeting of South Koreans to shoot in exchange for free stuff from the West. Or that is what North Korean leaders call it, because the rest of their countrymen have eaten their own larynges as a source of food and thus cannot speak. It is also rumored that Kim Jong-Il’s sons went to Clapton concerts when they were attending school in Switzerland, because all kids, even Kims, like hot tween pop-stars like Eric Clapton.

But wait! Maybe somebody just really wants to meet Eric Clapton and lied to South Korea about this matter.

But one analyst cautioned Sunday that the 2007 cable’s contents could say more about an intermediary’s interest in trying to promote himself by arranging a high-profile performance than North Korea’s leadership.

It’s too bad Clapton hasn’t performed. We’d like to see his rendition of whatever the hell this is:


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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. GuyClinch

    Hey, North Korea, keep trying! I'm sure you can eventually get Rick Springfield or Corey Hart or Billy Squier. Or Eddie Money, eventually.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm going to be really disappointed if the "South Park" people don't have an episode up in a couple weeks where the State Department misunderstands the request and sends as goodwill ambassador Eric Cartman.

    1. anniegetyourfun

      A rickrolling may be in order, N. Korea. You think you're getting Eric Clapton, but we're sending Rick Astley.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Saw Eddie Money do his show in the parking lot of a casino.
      I like Eddie Money, but that was one of the saddest thing I've ever witnessed. A man who went from filling 75,000 seat stadiums to drawing maybe 100 aging alcoholics.

  2. StillGoinGreen

    Maybe we could get Clapton to go over there and push Kim's babies out of the window of a tall building – for freedoms!!!11!

        1. BarryOPotter

          Yeah, Still, 'still'.

          Oh that's just grrrreat! See what you did?! Now John Boner (Curses be upon him) is going to cry! Thanks, Still! Just…., /*while walking away* "Shut up, John!

  3. SorosBot

    It sounds like North Korea is behind the times again, and doesn't know that Clapton has done nothing but dull, overly sentimental crap since the early 90s.

    1. GuyClinch

      Yeah, srsly. Lil' Kim is usually out there on the vanguard, looking for the newest, most challenging music. His posts on Pitchfork are the best!

      1. SorosBot

        Maybe we can find some other washed up, once good rocker if Clapton won't do it; how about Billy Joel? Guns 'n Roses?

        1. GuyClinch

          Yea, definitely Billy Joel. And if we can somehow get him drunk and behind the wheel, he could easily destroy Pyongyang. Our Trojan horse!

          1. BarryOPotter

            "No way, Kim! I'm dri- driv- drivin'! Where- wher- where's the wheel? Ha- Imjuskiddin' No, I'm- I'm O- I'm OK. Ghiit in. Les go…"

          2. SorosBot

            Somehow get him drunk and behind the wheel? All Billy needs is a) alcohol and b) a car and that happens pretty much automatically.

        2. Rotundo_

          Send Axl in! The Kims will love him! And if he (predictably) screws the pooch, he spends the rest of his life making boulders into pebbles for them. What a win!

          1. horsedreamer_1

            It was enough trouble calling the album Chinesse Democracy. Imagine taking it to the enemy, live.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Gotta give credit to the lead singer/guitarist from The Eagles Of Death Metal for "Paxil." Also "Wacksil." (I read an interview with him where he was being all righty. I hope it was part of his act, because otherwise it kinda ruins their party for me.)

        1. VinnyThePooh

          You're going straight to hell for that comment. Straight. To. Hell. And I'll be right behind you for laughing my ass off.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Why is it infinitely funnier when liberals are racist assholes as opposed to when the right does it? I feel absorutery rousy for having tears running down my face while reading this thread!

        1. StillGoinGreen

          I get it,  poking fun of inability to differentiate between “l” and “r” in rangrage – left wing funny.  Owning a couple of foreigners and having them deported just prior to your gubernatorial campaign, “so they won’t bring down the heat”, right wing racist.  Crystal!

      1. Guppy06

        The big difference is that we don't follow it up with "Some of my best friends are North Korean," or "North Koreans love me!"

  4. CapeClod

    So our guys are going to have "Further On Up The Road" blaring out of the helicopters in the upcoming Korean conflict?

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Don’t go Eric! They’ll brainwash you and send you back to the free world to ummmmm to…
    My conspiracy theory seems to have a hole in it.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Just doesn't have the same visual of ole Jane getting pole fucked by a Viet Cong tank cannon. Just sayin.

    1. weejee

      No so sure about the drugz, but like with sprinters those qwik twitchie muscles tend to peak when yur young. Back in the day, did get to see a Brit trio at a teen dance place called the Cellar in Arlington Heights, IL. 20-minute + jams from the Cream were a bit of a change from the Monkeys and those most festive Turtles.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Seen Prince before he went off the deep end and changed his name to some indescribable symbol. One of the greatest concerts I've ever seen. Doesn't matter what instrument he plays, he lays it all out on the stage.

  6. DeeJayKitteh

    Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and now Eric Clapton? I think Dear Leader might have some kind of secret weapon formula that prominently features old white American men.

      1. DeeJayKitteh

        D'oh! Negative 1,000 Rock & Roll points for me. I got the old and white part right though. Do I get some back if I quote Meatloaf here and say "two out of three ain't bad"?

        1. OneDollarJuana

          If you mention M**tl**f again I'll bust your teeth out. God, what a f*cking drama queen of a one-hit wonder. If I wanted to listen to musicals I'd move to New York. And why were they screaming so ardently about sex when Mr. Loaf was such a fat slob? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    When asked for comment, Mr. Clapton replied:

    If you wanna hang out you've got to take her out; cocaine.
    If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
    She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine.

      1. HurricaneAli

        Gonna keep on dancin' to the
        rock and roll
        On Saturday night, Saturday night
        Dancin' to the rhythm while we
        blow up Seoul
        On Saturday Night, Saturday night
        IIIII just can't wait,
        IIII got a date

  8. SystemError

    OK North Korea, but the Armistice Agreement of 1953 says that you only get to hear the piano part at the end of "Layla" and not the rockin' guitar part.

  9. slithytoves

    It's too bad Clapton hasn't performed. We'd like to see his rendition of whatever the hell this is.

    I'm pretty sure that's a cover of Andrew Lloyd Webber's… fill in the blank.

    1. Extemporanus

      TRUE FACT: Prior to the release of Eric Clapton's Unplugged, the best-selling live album of all time was Peter Frampton's Frampton Comes Alive!

      1. Steverino247

        What kind of a song lyric is "I'm in you!" Sounds more like a surprised teen boy in his first sexual encounter…

        1. GuyClinch

          Hope he's not a Swedish boy; what with all his surprise, I guess the girl/boy would be in the pokey with Assange.

  10. OC_Surf_Serf

    Rayra, hou've got me on my neezs.
    Rayra, R'm beggin, darring pluu-leese.
    Rayra, darring ron't you reaze my worrorrorrirryyrred mind.

    1. slithytoves

      Jesus, your racist caricature of Asian speech is so off. My mother does much better than that. "Beggin darring preeze." And not reaze; they can say "ease."

    2. StillGoinGreen

      You just made me bite my fucking tongue trying to vocalize this. DAMN YOU SURF_SERF!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!11!11!

      1. slithytoves

        Yeah, just wait till I go to work tomorrow and try to have a conversation with my Korean (South) colleague. Morer of mercy.

  11. mereoblivion

    In the interests of continuing to exploit our previously deceased genii, let's send them a "Live Dead" contingent: Duane, Jimi, Janis, Keith Moon on drums, Jerry G, some elements of Lynnyrrd Skynnnyrrrd, the recently pardoned (by Charlie Crist!) J. Morrison, Rick Nelson . . .

  12. SnarkoMarx

    I'm kind of surprised they aren't trying to get Paul McCartney since he looks quite a bit like Kim himself. Not to mention looking like Angela Lansbury. Also.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Sweet Jesus…that's a creepy picture. I've seen more lifelike images in the Hall of Presidents at Disney World.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    Updated lyrics for knocking on Heaven's door.

    Kim Jong Il press the button please
    They'll regret it any more.
    It's getting dark, too dark to see (cause South Korea cut off our oil!).
    Feel like I'm nukin' on America's shores.

    Nuke, nuke, nukin' on America's shores
    Nuke, nuke, nukin' on America's shores.
    Nuke, nuke, nukin' on America's shores.
    Nuke, nuke, nukin' on America's shores.

    Won't take these nukes away from me.
    I want to shoot them more.
    There's a big mushroom cloud following me.
    Feel like I'm nukin' on America's shores.

  14. An_Outhouse

    They can have Clapton but they also have to take Lynyrd Skyryrd and Ted Nugent. Only Clapton gets the round trip ticket, the others have to stay in NK.

    1. HedonismBot

      No the Nuge can't go. There are endangered animals that have found a home in the DMZ. We don't want him going on a safari…

  15. LionelHutzEsq

    This is all just an elaborate attempt on part of the North Koreans to get to George Harrison's wife.

  16. Steverino247

    OK, we'll trade Clapton for the USS Pueblo and an apology for swiping our boat in the first place.

        1. Rotundo_

          They'll give him dissidents to shoot. Gonzo will love two legged prey. Bow or gun Ted would go for it in a heartbeat.

  17. BornInATrailer

    I think we should promise to send Clapton but then send Rick Astley instead.

    "Astrey instead of Crapton?? God Dammit, I got rick-rorred!!!"

    ..and with that I've used up my allotment of Engrish jokes and then some (sorry Asian folk).

      1. Guppy06

        To be honest, even in the West, totalitarianism and high art have always gone together. Pick your favorite artist/composer/etc. and then check out whose commission they were working for.

        1. genxr

          History never records your drunk cousin Phil the half-assed job he did painting the Sistine Chapel, before they had to hire that other guy to do it right.

  18. prommie

    They'd get more meat off of someone like Rueben Studdard or even Cee-Lo, I suppose Randy Bachman and Lesley West are too old and tough by now. Meatloaf lost too much weight.

  19. Gorillionaire

    Interesting video. I had no idea that Liberace had written a piano concerto for orchestra and zombie choir.

  20. sussemilch

    Definitely send Clapton over, if there's anyone who can get Kim to relax and have a drink, it's him.

  21. mavenmaven

    Isn't this a video of the nightly entertainment at the club those republicans spent all that money at?

  22. Pragmatist2

    Hint to Kim Il Jung: Go to a lonely crossroads at midnight and look for a sinister character hanging out there. Offer him your soul (trust me, your soul isn't worth much) and Clapton will be yours.

  23. DashboardBuddha

    There's one point at the beginning where it sounds like the opening chords to the Bohemian Rhapsody. I got excited for a moment…that would be totally AWESOME

  24. DashboardBuddha

    At 5:23, I was hoping the soloist was going to sing, How do you solve a problem like Kim Jong-Il

  25. weejee

    Could we give the Kims an E7#9 moment and re-animate Hendrix and send him over? Zombie Jimi might get along with zombie Kim. Perhaps have Hillz bring some purple double dome for the post concert party. No, maybe not on that last idea. Not all trips are good trips, and the Kimster might be rather unpredictable.

  26. Mrspanky

    Who the hell is selling those Commies Pro Tools and JBL phased arrays?

    I thought lip-syncing was for good American girls like Miley, Taylor and Britney?

    This is an outrage!

  27. ttommyunger

    They will definitely take Ted Nugent. He makes them feel so superior, since their penis' are all so much larger than Ted's, on average; plus, they have the "Big Missile" compensation thing in common. Toby Keith has to be part of the package, though; that no-talent ugly motherfucker just has to go. BTW, that huge sucking sound you heard about a half-hour ago was Richard Holbrook's ego leaving the planet.

  28. Schmegeg

    If Clapton goes there, will he hook up with Kim Jong-Sun's wife, write a cool 15 minute song about it, and throw somebody out a window?

  29. CaptainSwing2nd

    Kimmy and the Hand Jive? I don’t think so – but we could threaten to send Dweeber and Willow Smith, and have Kanye West make a speech at the Dear Leader’s next shindig.
    Brutal, inhumane measures I know, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do…

  30. lulzmonger

    Sure, give 'em Clapton – it's not like anyone would miss him.

    Jesus, that's gotta be the worst version of "Swanee River" EVAR. Had to stop the video after about 2 minutes due to egregious piano-abuse. Also suspect one of said pianos needs tuning … & what is it with dictators & kitsch? Good taste = decadence?

Comments are closed.