it's morning in america

Michael Steele Might Not Run For RNC Chair, Boo/Moo

Needs to spend more time with his family/saying funny things on teevee?

  • Michael Steele is expected to announce whether he will run again for RNC Chair during a conference call with Committee Members this evening. Chris Cillizza has a sexy anonymous source that says Steele will definitely run, but Fox News analists insist he will do nothing of the sort. Most Americans are too preoccupied with being poor and sad to really care about what Michael Steele does, or if he still claims to be “a cow on the tracks, Moo.” But Comedy Connoisseurs will certainly be filled with grief if this delightful gaffe heifer were to surrender his chairmanship to some pasty white guy, who will probably be heinously boring and awful. Four more years (or whatever), please. [The Caucus/Fox/WaPo]
  • Mark Madoff, son of famous Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff, apparently hanged himself in his New York apartment. Rest in Peace, Mark. [ABC]
  • Happy (belated) tenth anniversary of Bush v. Gore! [NPR]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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111 comments

  1. charlesdegoal

    After all of the fatigue caused by one and the exaggerations of the other, I tend to think of it as Bore v. Gush.

    1. bebopluvr

      Yeah, overturning the popular vote and appointing the president Scalia et al. wanted is so very boring. All the little countries are doing it.

  2. Terry

    Honestly, I think that Michael Steele and Sarah Palin should remain the faces and voice of the GOP. Between them, they've created more independents out of republicans than any other force in history.

      1. Negropolis

        Amazing, huh? I remember as soon as it was apparent that the GOP had won 60 house seats, there was a chorus of voices complaining that he should go "'cause he coulda won more." The fuck?! That shit hurt to hear, that we fucked up and they still had a wing that was unhappy because their historic wins weren't historic enough. **gag**

  3. nonbeliever7

    The new chariman won't be just a pasty white guy, he'll be a fat pasty white guy as reparations to their neglected voter base.

      1. mrpuma2u

        Haley Barbour looks too much like that guy from the redneck triumvirate of comedians that always has a drink in his hand, Bill Engvall.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          You mean, Ron White? You mean, you know the guy?

          & R-Dub is actually moderately funny. Bill Engvall is one-half of TBS's failed "bring the funny" campaign. (Tyler Perry is the other.)

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Barbour is to political savvy what not Larry the not Cable Guy is to comedy.

          Ron White doesn't look much like him, and actually has a functioning brain (admittedly one that scotch has pickled, but still functioning). Dear Haley is much more of a boss Hogg/Porky look alike (if either of them had hair).

          1. Negropolis

            Let me tell you, this nego loves Ron White. He's really pretty brilliant in his comedy. The rest of those rednecks can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. Collectively, they are about as funny as cancer. (ie. not funny, at all)

      2. GodShammgod

        Nah, if they really wanted to give reparations to their neglected voter base, the new chairman would be riding in on a Rascal scooter that he got from defrauding Medicare.

      3. transfatz

        I've noticed that most Republicans seem to be sporting southern accents these days. In so many ways.

      1. V572625694

        Wait a minute, they tried a very, very urban chairman; it might be a bit soon for a Jew. Git me a whaht boy, stat!

    1. arihaya

      isn't the de facto leader already like that?

      the one that every GOP apparatchik have to apologize for basically everything … the Big Blimp

    2. SorosBot

      They should go for someone who truly represents the modern Republican base: the guy from South Caroling who came in second to Steele last time and wanted to bring back segregation.

      1. Negropolis

        Honestly, they should elect the renanimated corpose of Strom Thurmond, already, and call it a day, since they are all enamored with "states' rights", again, and all he'd have to do is replace "nigger" with "sand nigger" in his rhetoric.

        They know they wanna.

  4. Serolf_Divad

    Ah yes, Bush V. Gore. And how is it possible to talk about Bush v. Gore without citing the most famous part of the decision, namely, the insistence by the 5 justice majority that this decision, unlike all other Supreme Court decisions, should not be read as setting any kind of precedent:

    "Our consideration is limited to the present circumstances, for the problem of equal protection in election processes generally presents many complexities."

    Translation: this decision is all about getting a Republican elected president. Don't think that just because we've come up with a bunch of self-serving arguments to do this, that you can use these same arguments again in the future when it's a Democratic candidate filing suit to stop a recount.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      And yet every fucking sore-ass loser Republican cites it. Including Norm Coleman.

      By the way, anyone know what the appropriate gift for the 10th anniversary of anal raping of 200 years of legal tradition is? I'd guess hemmorhoid surgery, but I'm not sure.

    2. Katydid

      Ooh, ooh, my favorite part of Bush v. Gore is the part where Scalia's son was one of the attorneys arguing for Bush.

      I will be drinking and remembering that today, thanks for reminding me, Wonkette.

  5. OobyDoobyDoo

    For those of you who don't know what to get the Supreme Court as a gift…

    The traditional 10th anniversary gift is tin/aluminum and the modern gift is Diamond Jewelry.

    Personally, I figure they got enough jewelry from corporations when they gave them the power to buy elections. So I'm going to throw the cans from my hobo beans at them. Win!

    1. mrpuma2u

      Are you kidding? Those cans are made of steel and you can put those in your shopping cart and sell them at the recycling center. Throw cardboard. You gotta get learned your hobo-ing better.

      1. OobyDoobyDoo

        Alas, I cannot. I live in a sea of morans, no such thing as recycling centers. Those are for pussy liberals that vote for morally weak Muslins.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Aluminium ain't worth shit these days and you can cut it into some sharp little pieces that might annoy them a little bit.

    2. SorosBot

      DeBeers has been making headway in its attempt to convince us that the traditional gift for every anniversary, along with every birthday and Christmas, is diamonds, I see. Look at that shiny sparkly blood!

      1. Negropolis

        Human lives are only temporary, but diamonds, beautiful — beautiful, blood-stained diamonds — are forever. Amirite?

  6. freakishlywrong

    Today, we are all gafftastick token minority spokespeople despised by our own bigoted, hateful political party.

  7. SorosBot

    A number of the morons who are fans of Palin want her to run for GOP chair; they don't seem to realize that winning would prevent her from running for the Presidency. Well, not unless she quit, which yeah she does have a history of.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Plus, I don't think Palin Griftting Inc. wants the potential attention on its finances that such a high profile position would bring to bear. So…, Fuck yeah! Mama Grizz for RNC Chair RIGHT NOW!!1!!

      1. LetUsBray

        I have always gotten a bit of a dominatrix vibe off of her. And that voice definitely qualifies as abuse.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          That voice is incapable of helping even the most perverted fetishist get off – I'm guessing if she was a dom, she'd be the only one forced to where a ball gag at all times.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          That is one sad club. I'm guessing Bristol tops out as the Tuesday afternoon "feature" dancer at Chuckie B's Brass Garter in Wasilla.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell yeah; the RNC seemed bankrupt and prone to wasting money under Steele, but that's nothing compared to what the Palins would do to it; they'd never have to pay for anything themselves again.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        with access to their funds, she might corner the market on shitty leather jackets and/or bendy straws.

    2. BorderJumper!

      The thing is, she doesn't need to run for Chairman. These morons (or "morans") already see her as the de facto GOP/Tea Party leader. After all, she for supposedly (and single handily) helped her party take over the House last month, didn't she?

      1. twaingirl

        Ah yes, the Tea Party alternate history. Those of us operating in Hobo Bean reality remember all candidates she backed lost. But in TP land losing is winning, slavery is freedom and war is peace!

      1. MoeDeLawn

        I believe she remains ship's scent consultant – they have salmon-like scent specifications developed from her nether regions.

        1. metamarcisf

          After Bristol lost her job as Cap'n Phil's cabin boy, I thought the scripts went to hell in a handcar.

    3. Negropolis

      Palin would actually have to *gasp* some kind of handle on policy not to be totally embarrassed as a party chair. Truth is that in a presidential race, it is certainly possible to fake it until you make it if you surround yourself with enough people. As party chair, you actually have to answers questions, by yourself, without a bug in your ear every once in awhile.

      Party chair? Who are we fucking kidding? She shits herself just thinking of such a nightmare.

  8. Beowoof

    Oh you know it only eliminates one source of reasons to snark. However, with the big wins by republicans back in November I am sure there will be plenty of new talent on the block.

  9. weejee

    On that favorite teevee show for the oldes, 60 Metamucils, Mr. Sneaker Boner emphatically denied tanning beds and gels – so he must be naturally unnaturally orange. Also in a scene worthy of Sir Larry's Hamlet, he teared-up giant crocodile tears. Since he is naturally unnaturally agent orange those musta been rivers of dioxin streaming down hiz cheeks. He should get an Emmy enema for best hazmat tears on a show watched only by oldez.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      If it's not spray-on or fake bake, I'd guess it's a full-body nicotine stain. (And, yes, it's very gross to think of Boner's full body….)

    2. SorosBot

      People, we've been through this; liver damage from alcoholism can cause orange skin, and given what we know of Boehner's love of drinking that seems the most likely culprit.

    3. freakishlywrong

      Yeah, he bawled because The Children and the American Dream™ or some such nonsense. Wish someone would have asked him why he consistently votes AGAINST those same Children achieving even a fucking nutritious meal at school.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Maybe he's crying because of the tremendous debt that he's personally laid on the backs of those children to serve his Corporate Overlords?
        Never mind.

    4. mrpuma2u

      The boner could have been sucked by all those juicer info-mercials in the 90's (his golf course fashion looks like it stopped progressing at least that long ago) and he is drinking massive amounts of carrot juice. As any 4th grader knows, excessive beta-carotene is stored in the fat cells of your skin, and if you drink enough carrot juice you will turn orange as an Oompa-loompa. QED. Also, Boner came along (in 94) with the Knute Gingrich "Contract on America" and that wacky concept of TERM LIMITS. Nice term limits Boner.

    5. V572625694

      Thank you for watching that so we didn't have to. The greatest danger would have been collateral damage from a hazmat splash onto Leslie Stahl's own toxic blend of face plaster.

    6. Negropolis

      That was one strange-assed interview. He literally bawled once, and began to weep during another with his wife, who totally seems to have his balls in her pocket. Even Leslie Stahl was like "what's up with this bitch?" when asking his wife about his fits of crying.

      The guy is unstable. If Pelosi had been caught doing this shit, she'd have been ridiculed to hell and back. A Democrat who cries is a pussy; a Republican who cries uncontrollably is a hero.

  10. deanbooth

    I noticed that George Will has an op-ed praising Bush v. Gore (didn't read it, of course). I wonder what sports metaphor he used: The midget at the plate or the beanball to the head of America?

    1. mrpuma2u

      It should have been " Born on third base and waived home by a majority of umpires my dad picked on a technicality"

  11. samsuncle

    Can anyone here read lips? I turned my speaker volume all the way up but still couldn't hear what Steele had to say.

    1. glamourdammerung

      It was a charming rendition of "Short'nin' Bread" done at about the same pitch as a dog whistle.

  12. arihaya

    if Steele give me a paid trip to a bondage club I will join the GOP, and throw my Democrats membership right NOW

  13. ManchuCandidate

    His tenure as GOPer chair has been much like the GOPer's running almost anything.
    1) Idiotic statements
    2) Sex scandals (if lesbian bondage club really counts as one.)
    3) Hating on the tinted peoples
    4) ???
    5) Victory against spineless Demrats
    6) Fiscal Mismanagement including hiding debts

    1. V572625694

      Steele was probably the kind of boss who says, "I'm not detail oriented," by which he means, "You fucking peons wrangle those numbers until they make me look smart." When that doesn't happen, towering rage ensues.

    2. ttommyunger

      7) Mockery
      8) Gawkery
      9)Mule-Whipping in Public
      10) Driving over a wooden bridge on Sunday.
      11) Mopery
      12) Other unspecified misdemeanors.

  14. NorthStarSpanx

    An additional $4 million in debt, on top of the g-string stuffing losses? According to common sense fiscal conservatism re: Free Market principles, RNC would be picked off by Sarah Palin's Alaska in the first episode. Nevermind she declined the Tea Party's plea that she aim for the job, let's give her five chances to reload for a r'il job.

    That or Michael Steel, as the proverbial cow on the train tracks, would be put up to a luxurious State subsidized life under the Matanuska Maid – the State's $14 million cash cow and personal money pit. Other than that $500 million dollar natural gas pipeline to nowhere. . .
    http://www.andrewhalcro.com/search/node/mat+maid

  15. LetUsBray

    I'm not surprised; it's surely taking all of Steele's time waiting for Grover to get his soup order right.

  16. metamarcisf

    There's a lady in my neighborhood who goes door to door asking people if they would like their house numbers painted on the curb for just $10. She doesn't speak much English but she works hard so maybe she could get a job as the GOP National Charwoman. Su nombre es Mandelit del Barco.

  17. user-of-owls

    Riley: if this was intentional, you are devious and brilliant:

    Fox News analists

    If this was not intentional, you might be a smidge less devious, but your subconscious is still utterly brilliant.

  18. ttommyunger

    Michael Steele, the Anti-Obama… The Black George Will… If only I could buy him for what he is worth and sell him (immediately) for what he thinks he's worth.

  19. gurukalehuru

    I'm going to go out on a limb here. We're all crying because we're going to lose the comic hilarity of Michael Steele, but I predict the Republicans will nominate somebody who is an even bigger buffoon.
    That's all they've got.

  20. arclight2012

    Well, yes, you're right, Al would have won if either Ralph hadn't run or if Al had won Tennessee, but more than either of those things, Bush shouldn't have had Katherine Harris cheat for him.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    Maybe the GOP could elect Brett Favre as Chair. Every week his press conference could be about whether or not he's going to retire and the party could continue its failure to discuss any topics of substance.

    1. Negropolis

      And, then they could follow up about his sexting scandal. Washington loves them a sex scandal. It gives them all a huge, throbbing Boehner.

Comments are closed.