white flight

House Passes DREAM Act, Which Will Kill All White People

SO IT BEGINSThe House passed the DREAM Act last night for some reason, even though it will certainly be filibustered in the Senate. But that’s not a knock on it. The House should feel free to pass stuff they think the Senate will filibuster. It seems like they may finally no longer be afraid of that giant smoke monster that has kept them from passing things to which Republicans could possibly object. And they’re only what, a couple of months too late for that to make any difference in keeping power in the House? So what does the DREAM Act do? It will make “Taco Fixin’s” our official language. It will force all white scooter people onto a death march to Canada. And it will abduct Andrew, our little racist pundit mascot, and give him brown skin-grafts until he is a brown person.

First introduced in 2001, the House legislation extends conditional legal status for five years to those illegal aliens who:

• Were younger than 16 when they entered the country

• Have lived in the U.S. for at least five years

• Have a degree from a U.S. high school, or the equivalent

Beneficiaries can apply for an additional five years of conditional nonimmigrant status if they’ve completed at least two years of higher education or military service. Afterward, they could apply for permanent legal status.

In other words, terrorists. It would make terrorists citizens. [The Hill]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. mereoblivion

    ". . . , Which Will Kill All White People"

    If only. (Hey, I'm ready to go, long as I can be sure every other honky on the planet's going too.)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      it will abduct Andrew, our little racist pundit mascot, and give him brown skin-grafts until he is a brown person.

      I understand skin grafting is a pretty damn painful process; the sort of thing I wouldn't wish on any kid. But then I met Andrew…

      1. metamarcisf

        It's the damnest thing. I offered to "out" some of our Breitbart brethern in the interest of national security. The next morning I woke up and my score had gained 205 pounds.

  2. OC_Surf_Serf

    Hey, they suffered through our shitty public school system, might as well force them to attend our underfunded colleges or join the bigoted military…

  3. SorosBot

    "Republicans argued that the proposal grants amnesty and puts the interests of illegal aliens above those of American taxpayers."

    "Illegal" immigrants pay taxes, morans.

    1. Cicada

      I have an email forwarded to me by my uncle that says different. And everyone knows that any facts or statistics are suspect because they come from the guvmint. Sheesh.

        1. Cicada

          Yep. I even added a picture of Santa praying over Baby Jesus for the holidays.

          I hear the "illegals" would make us pray to their nasty Mexican God and we would have to eat tamales for Christmas instead of good American Ham. That would be gross, because tamales give me the squirts something awful.

          USA! USA! USA!

    2. ttommyunger

      Plus, if they are using a phoney SS #, which most are, they are having money taken from them for Withholding Tax with no hope of receiving benefits. Free money for the SS Trust Fund.

      1. Sassomatic

        They don't have to have phony ss #'s. They can get employee identification numbers. They are eligible for tax refunds but most of them don't know what and so don't file for them. They pat into social security but are not eligible for benefits. So they pay more taxes than we do.

    3. V572625694

      You know who doesn't pay taxes (FICA, FUTA, Medicare, SUTA, workmans' comp) on the work illegals do? Employers. Sweeet! Maybe that's why they like the current situation so much, dya think?

      1. SorosBot

        Because of the magic powers of the free market, corporations never do anything wrong; if they are hiring illegal Mexicans, who are all criminals anyway, it must be because a gang of them held the company at gunpoint and forced them to hire them for hard strenuous labor at below minimum wage.

  4. DeeJayKitteh

    Christ almighty, it's like these House Democrats think this country is a melting pot and the land of opportunity or something. Them socialist ideas will earn you some Second Amendment solutions, if you know what I mean.

  5. Serolf_Divad

    And what better way to ensure that these terror babies come to despise America and wish harm upon us than providing them with an education.

    Also, it's a proven fact that the more educated an immigrant is, the more likely he is to need government services.

  6. prommie

    Teh army wants this so they can recruit them, is whats so fucked up about this. They should call it the "brown cannon fodder" Act.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      They should have called it the Pat Tillman Act. If nothing but teh brown illegalz are in the field, friendly fire investigations could be done in a matter of minutes, not years. You know, denial without fear of reprisal.

      1. JustPixelz

        If shredding the Constitution is the PATRIOT Act, then lets call this one the Michele Bachmann Loves America Act.

      2. chickensmack

        Don't get me wrong, but it sure seems like the first Tillman investigation was done in minutes.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          No, the first one was done in seconds – and concluded with, "DUDE!!! You just fuckin shot Tillman!!!"

    2. PublicLuxury

      Let the brown do what they're suppose to. They're are ALLOWED to be in the US so the their betters (whites) don't have to fight in wars or work in fields or wash dishes or mow their own lawn. I would have thought that after 220 years, y'all would figured that out.

  7. arihaya

    - Have a degree from a U.S. high school, or the equivalent

    if this is the prerequisite for US Citizenship , most Teabaggers will lost theirs

    1. jim89048

      When the hell did a HS diploma become a degree, anyway? I'ma get rich selling degrees from the University of P.O.Box 23589!

    2. Boredw/Gravity

      Or have two years of military service. There goes citizenship for most Republican politicans right there.

  8. memzilla

    "It would make terrorists citizens."

    Rethuglican House members were making just this wackadoodle statement on C-SPAN yesterday. Of course, these are the same people who argue against gun control, which literally puts guns into the hands of terrorists and narco-cartels.

    1. BorderJumper!

      Retardlicans love clinging to bogus facts. "Five years of conditional nonimmigrant status" is nowhere near close to citizenship.

      1. Ruhe

        Yeah! And imagine that that's your reward for serving in the military. "Thanks for risking your life for us. Now please enjoy the next four years here in America. No babies, please. And then please spend that fifth year thinking about what country you're headed to next."

      2. Crank_Tango

        but it is quite close to terrorism, somehow, and that's the important thing. Terrorizm. Reagans. !!1!

  9. slappypaddy

    good to see the congress finally woke up and got around to sending those papist irishmen back to ireland where they belong.

  10. JackDempsey1

    The Dream Act finally authorizes our august learning institutions to confer advanced degrees on those swarthy students studying yard clippings.

  11. edgydrifter

    Any Senator opposing this act should be made to produce his or her family's official legal immigration paperwork. And none of that "Ellis Island" bullcrap. Iroquois or GTFO.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      You must not have heard about the special white label passport that they were giving out back then. Even the Iroquois weren't elligible for it although native born.

  12. harry_palmer

    "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, that I might exploit their asses for some cheap labor, then give them the heave ho when they need a doctor."

  13. Radiotherapy

    Dream Act, START, Food Safety, DADT, whatever, the bitches got their tax cuts on the rich. It's all a show, people.

  14. Blendergoathead

    Both Mexicans and fatass racist rightwingers cook with lard, so this is obviously a win-win for John McCain.

  15. MildMidwesterner

    Great news for Obama! He meets all the criteria, so he could be a full-fledged citizen within the next decade!

        1. deelzebub

          She was on a tv show as a kid, which means she was taught by network tutors instead of going to real school. Set tutors are like home schoolers, only with less Jesus and more jack shit.

          1. deelzebub

            I'm just inferring based on the hours worked versus the hours that should be spent in school multiplied by the demonstrated idiocy of adult former child stars.

  16. Weenus299

    Yeah yeah yeah. You wrote whatever about the DREAM Act. I'm sure it's delicious, but the Imperial Senate will cut it to smithereens in 15 minutes, make it a NIGHTMARE.

    1. cheaphits

      Exzactlamente – the House can use this to court browns next election, the Senate protects corporate-citizens/overlords, Obama can say he tried to fulfill a campaign promise and the Republicans get (as always) just what they want. Perfect.

  17. donner_froh

    Now that half of them have been retired by the voters and there is no chance their half-assed immigration bill will even get considered in the Senate and no one really cares about it because the tax cuts will make us all rich–now the House passes something regarding our brown strawberry pickers, hotel maids and lawn care workers.

    No wonder these fuckers couldn't hold a majority in the House.

  18. PublicLuxury

    They are brown gay tearists that don't speak 'Merikan. I say, let the little fuckers die. It's the 'Merikan thing to do.

  19. SorosBot

    Huh; I tried to make a comment on The Hill article, but it appears the administrator didn't approve it. I did not use any naughty words, but did mention that the anti-immigrant folks are racist. And the place let all those actually racist comments through.

  20. mumbly_joe

    Hey, look, it's the taco salad you could be eating with the money you could be saving by switching to GEICO!

  21. V572625694

    Senate amendments to the DREAM Act:

    In addition to military service or high school education, Illegals must:

    (1) Detail the cars of US Americans whenever requested
    (2) Mow all lawns of business owners, with special attention to edging along the driveway, and no using the leaf blower before 10:00 AM.
    (3) Address US Americans as "Your Worship."
    (4) Pay both sides of FICA and Medicare taxes on their wages

  22. prommie

    Citizens can't be terrorists; when a citizen makes something get blowed up real good, they are a patriot, watering the tree of Liberty like the Constitution says over there with our precious freedoms, for the troops fightin'.

  23. Radiotherapy

    They can be citizen soldiers as long as they are not "gay" citizen soldiers. And in that case, shouldn't congress just have combined this with DADT.

    1. SorosBot

      Which reminds me, last year the Senate Republicans also blocked a bill that would have allowed gay partners of US citizens to become permanent residents just like with straight married couples. It must have been easy for them since blocking it meant continued discrimination against two of the groups they most bigoted against.

  24. hagajim

    Keep DREAMing that this thing will ever get past Walnuts and the Senate. There are so many bills DOA in D.C. right now that the non-passage rate of bills is about as high as the crime rate in the District.

  25. deelzebub

    So what does the DREAM Act do? It will make “Taco Fixin’s” our official language.

    I'm fluent in cumin.

  26. doxastic

    But how are we to exploit their labor if they have access to education and empowerment? Sakes alive!

  27. fuflans

    do you think if we sent the scooter people to canada and they spilled canada might mistake them seals and club them?

  28. Negropolis

    The Senate is the blackhole of the legislative branch. Many a thousands of bills are resting crushed by the profundity of gravity at the bottom of its gaping, endless maw.

    Yeah, it even crushes DREAMs, so ready yourself for death.

Comments are closed.