IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:07 am December 9, 2010

Government Seizes All of Glenn Beck’s Precious Gold

by Riley Waggaman

Another famous Glenn Beck advertiser

  • An activist California judge legislating from the bench has frozen the assets of Superior Gold Group, one of many NASCAR gold coin dealers who advertise The Solution to Weimar Hyper Inflation on Glenn Beck’s satanic teevee program. According to lawyers, Superior Gold Group “took payments from customers and never provided the gold ordered, charged prices much higher than fair market value and misled customers into buying expensive specialty coins.” Whoops. And now the authorities have seized all of Superior Gold’s delicious gold. FDR really is snatching up all the gold! (Oh, fuck!) [LAT/Mother Jones]
  • The House passed the DREAM Act yesterday. Nobody expects this bill to make it through the Senate, though. And in other “what are we gonna do with all those brownz?” news: Arizona is arguing about immigration with the Supreme Court. [WaPo]
  • Visa.com got cyber-sexed by Internet heroes/nerds Anonymous. The Great Infowar continues. [NYT]
  • IMPORTANT MAIL-ORDER GOLD NEWS: Read this thing. [TwitPic]
 
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{ 130 comments }

vulpes82 December 9, 2010 at 9:13 am

California just wants to get some of their gold back to bury in the hills and then have an old fashioned Gold Rush to get the economy humming. I'm on the steamer to Panama as we speak! I'll make a fortune with these denim jeans.

ManchuCandidate December 9, 2010 at 9:15 am

The "investors" aka idiots might have known better (probably not) when the corprat mission statement of Superior Gold was "Bullion? We ain't got no Bullion. We don't need no Bullion. I don't have to show you any stinking Bullion."

charlesdegoal December 9, 2010 at 9:20 am

Knorr bouillon cubes are the best, BTW.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 9:30 am

And at least when the end times come, you can actually eat Knorr bullion and gain nourishment. You could eat gold bullion, but all you're left with is some shitty gold.

ManchuCandidate December 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

Well, you could melt the gold into shitty shiny precious bullets, but yeah… I'd rather have a million bouillon cubes than a million in gold when the zombies come for my hobo beans.

charlesdegoal December 9, 2010 at 9:41 am

Trust the fucking Swiss to hoard both the bullion and the bouillon.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 9:22 am

You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?

Serolf_Divad December 9, 2010 at 9:33 am

Is this the company that promises to send you "actual bullion" for your money? That would explain a lot.

mumbly_joe December 9, 2010 at 9:39 am

No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

I up-fisted you for that reference, btw.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

I was hoping someone would "get it." One of my favourite lines from one of my favourite movies.

738838 December 9, 2010 at 10:39 am

The quote is actually from 2 movies. Treasure of the Sierra Madre (I think) AND Blazing Saddles. (Mel swiped it and much of the rest of saddles from earlier westerns. One of the best movies ever though.)

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Bully for flim-flam artists!

charlesdegoal December 9, 2010 at 9:16 am

Feral and preposterous? This Aronson fellow is pretty articulate. Too bad he's wasting his time in commerce. I suppose his company is a subsidiary of Gold4Cash, or vice-versa.

Plowmon December 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

My new favorite phrase to insert in any mouth-frothing complaint, screed or letter to the editor!

bureaucrap December 9, 2010 at 9:52 am

Funny you should mention that, because many years ago I was a summer law associate at the firm of "Feral and Preposterous", a major law firm based, of course, in NYC with a large Washington DC office. "Feral" was the partner in charge of the litigation group, and "Preposterous" ran the lobbying shop.

Terry December 9, 2010 at 9:19 am

OMG, I love it, too. Gold painted rocks! Why didn't I think of that? BTW, I'm packing up my gold to send in for some nice cats as I type this.

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 9:39 am

Cats can kill mice and other pests; unlike gold, they are actually useful.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 9:41 am

Well, you can smash mice and other pests with rocks, whether they are painted gold or not.

Negropolis December 9, 2010 at 11:10 pm

LOL!

Terry December 9, 2010 at 9:44 am

Gold is prettier draped around my neck and doesn't bring fleas into the house.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 10:40 am

That's the difference between men and women, I guess.

CthuNHu December 9, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Um, if you were a bit pickier about the men and/or women you bring home draped around your neck, you wouldn't have that little flea problem.

Serolf_Divad December 9, 2010 at 9:21 am

This Mr. Haberny is my new hero.

Terry December 9, 2010 at 9:45 am

I, too, would like them to host a birthday party for me at McDonalds. Breakfast party, please. I do enjoy a good sausage McMuffin with egg.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 10:18 am

Me too, but I'd probably prefer an "ungreased, backdoor Hammertime lovemaking session" with a couple of hot telemarketers; for me these are much rarer incidents than breakfast at McDonald's. FML.

Terry December 9, 2010 at 10:30 am

That's the difference between men and women, I guess.

prommie December 9, 2010 at 10:09 am

How can I send him money? He is more than my hero, he is my God.

weejee December 9, 2010 at 9:22 am

Do the investors from Glennbeckistan know about the billions in wires used for magnet windings by the Manhattan Project? Will they attack the Oak Ridge calutrons on their way to Kentuk's Big Ark Park?

facehead December 9, 2010 at 9:24 am

I love these morans who trust Glenn Beck's endorsement of Cash4Gold.

Da Gubamint jubst wanna sociamalize ma Skoal and Gold in Fort Knox — Beck wants gold to be free in da market, So I trust ma Skoal. Obamur wants to kill ma dog and grandma, and Glenn Beck wants me to get rich quick just like him. Praise jeebus.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 9:38 am

Skoalrebel's got more sense than Beck. Blocks of chaw are gonna be worth waaay more than bricks of gold when it all comes down.

Our local gunshop has all ammo 10% off. Might be worth a shopping trip….

Terry December 9, 2010 at 9:46 am

See if he'll take your gold painted rocks in trade.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 10:01 am

I bet if I take my "persuader" I can go home with my ammo AND the gold!

Terry December 9, 2010 at 10:15 am

I would suspect that a store that sells ammo and guns is ready for this.

freakishlywrong December 9, 2010 at 9:26 am

Good. Better the rubes get duped out of their money on phony gold and survival seeds schemes, than donate that shit to an actual candidate that in this stupid country could actually win. (And did.)

weejee December 9, 2010 at 9:31 am

♪♫ Goodbye Rubie Foolsday
Who could hang a game on you
You'll lose gold change on every new day
Ol' Beck's a'gonna stiff you ♫♪

not that Dewey December 9, 2010 at 10:39 am

Except that CASH4GOLDPAC will simply funnel that same money to that same candidate in the end. A few profiteers make out better than they would have by the direct funnelling route.

donner_froh December 9, 2010 at 9:27 am

The road to real wealth has always included exchanging cash money for promises of future untold wealth, economic security and Glenn Beck.

slithytoves December 9, 2010 at 9:28 am

Fools' Gold, indeed.

Oblios_Cap December 9, 2010 at 9:47 am

Iron Pyrite is a "healing crystal", and therefore more useful than Glenn Beck.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 9:29 am

"Both companies [Goldline and Superior Gold] have claimed that they were targeted solely because of liberal outrage about Beck's political viewpoints".

You mean like the outrage over Beck's viewpoint that he should have all your money while you get some shiny discs? Ooooh, shiny!

MLHencken December 9, 2010 at 9:29 am

When will the nexus of gold and trucknutz occur?

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 9, 2010 at 9:43 am
Oblios_Cap December 9, 2010 at 9:29 am

What – there are unscrupulous gold merchants? Inconceivable!

Next you'll be telling me Sarah don't hunt!

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 9:46 am

Ha ha! Guess machine gunning wolves from a helicopter isn't really good training for hunting caribou with a rifle.

Oblios_Cap December 9, 2010 at 9:50 am

That dog don't hunt, as the good ol' boys say, right before they shoot the hound.

V572625694 December 9, 2010 at 10:38 am

Real Americans only need one shot to down a caribou, because marksmanship = patriotism, obvs.

BeWoot December 9, 2010 at 9:30 am

Ooh, new meme! I just saw the word hyperinflation used in a comment on InsideHigherEd. This was a guy defending the attempt of a "film student" to butcher a live rabbit in a Maine college class. Menacing dimwittery marching toward Glenn Beckistan.

donner_froh December 9, 2010 at 9:42 am

Film students in Maine? That's ridiculous!

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 9:49 am

Did someone remind the moran that part of the problem with our current economy is that there is no inflation, and a possibility of deflation? That guy probably worried about the possibility of a drought in New Orleans during Katrina.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 9:30 am

I'll let John Lydon say it:
"Ever get the feeling you've been cheated? Good night!"

OC_Surf_Serf December 9, 2010 at 9:32 am

Shit, I am just a silly liberal…all my gold coins have chocolate in the middle.

mumbly_joe December 9, 2010 at 9:51 am

I should probably make some comment about Goldline comemmorative souvenir geldt here, but honestly it's still early and I'm hung over, so meh.

gvvt December 9, 2010 at 4:47 pm

Maybe our new Mexican over-drug-Lords will appreciate a yummy chocolate surprise.

arihaya December 9, 2010 at 9:35 am

"All your gold belong to us !!"

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

"All your gold are belong to us !!"

fixed

trampndirtdown December 9, 2010 at 9:38 am

Does hyperinflation mean that my valueless(other than a nice warm shelter) house will be worth some rare gold coins one day.

Ducksworthy December 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

Mr. Haberny, you are my hero.

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 9:43 am

I do love how the Beckaloos think gold will be useful in an apocalypse because it has real value, unlike "fiat currency". News flash: like dollars, gold is only valuable because other people find it valuable; in the ancient world, gold became the main currency because it was both rare and shiny. And that's it; there's nothing inherent about gold that makes it worth anything.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 10:07 am

In high tech gold has high inherent value, as extremely corrosion-resistant coatings for electrical contacts, as coatings to enable electron microscopy, as an element to compound to make better drugs, as high-heat-transfer coatings in electronics. You actually can eat it, but to no physical benefit. Gold bricks might be good to hold down the corners of your tent, though. Or you could fill a sock with Krugerrands for use as a sap.

BerkeleyBear December 9, 2010 at 10:49 am

Somehow I don't think any real post apocolyptic scenario involves the survivors making supply contracts with Nokia et al with their special coins – although maybe that's what Beck meant (who knows).

jim89048 December 9, 2010 at 10:10 am

It's a pretty nifty conductor of electricity, though.

GunTotingProgressive December 9, 2010 at 10:24 am

I've tried explaining this fact to people, but it usually results in a reply of "but… It's gold!"

FNMA December 9, 2010 at 11:33 am

But it's got electrolytes.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:41 am

"It might make an improved dental crown." – George Washington.

BerkeleyBear December 9, 2010 at 10:53 am

They are totally missing the point. Now, tulips and cowrie shells? Those are where the real value lies, as any 17th Century Dutchman will tell you.

Or precious blue wampum beads, for that matter.

The whole process is highly amusing, especially since the major world powers and gold mining concerns could basically destroy the price of gold overnight with a little market manipulation. Not as ridiculously artificial as the price of diamonds, but close.

gvvt December 9, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Hummingbird feathers

deanbooth December 9, 2010 at 11:28 am

"gold is only valuable because other people find it valuable"

They just don't believe that in God world.

I read an interesting article that ties arguments for the gold standard to racism in the 19th century. "'Gold and silver,' insisted Treasury Secretary Hugh McCulloch in 1865, 'are the only true measure of value.' This truthfulness came from God and nature: 'I myself have no more doubt that these metals were prepared by the Almighty for this purpose, than I have that iron and coal were repared for the purposes for which they are being used.'" If you believe in natural kinds created by God, the value of both gold and people can't be changed by government fiat.

Excuse my wonk; I just find this stuff interesting.

gvvt December 9, 2010 at 4:50 pm

That is fucking beautiful. Thanks.

V572625694 December 9, 2010 at 7:01 pm

"Barbarous relic" in the words of Keynes.

outragedcitizen December 9, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Much like diamonds. If the DeBeers were hoarding them they wouldn't be worth spit.

CthuNHu December 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Excuse me? What part of "shiny" don't you understand??

Also, Julia Child made an omelet in a solid gold frying pan once, and said that it was excellent, if a bit heavy. (The pan, that is, not the omelet, which was presumably also excellent, and not at all heavy.)

Plowmon December 9, 2010 at 9:44 am

The Dream Act is feral and preposterous, if my folks had stolen a Picasso painting when I was but a babe should it now legally be mine?

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 10:08 am
Plowmon December 9, 2010 at 10:32 am

So kids, the lesson is thieve away, if enough time passes it's yours!

BerkeleyBear December 9, 2010 at 10:58 am

Statutes of limitation are a bitch. Now, depending on how the theft was accomplished/concealed the statute may not run as of the moment of theft but for all non-capital offenses and civil actions eventually the clock runs out , which makes the need for the DREAM ACT so weird.

Plowmon December 9, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Sure, it doesn't seem fair to send what is basically an American teen back to Mituacon does it? But I sure wish my folks would've had larcenous hearts as well as that need to store lots of shit away for decades…

qwerty42 December 9, 2010 at 10:59 am

Well, ask the British Museum who owns the Elgin Marbles. Works of art are a poor example for your purposes: absent considerable proof, they tend to stay with whomever has the better lawyers.

Plowmon December 9, 2010 at 12:11 pm

That particular looting or gift, depending on who you talk to, may just have saved those treasures from the locals. "This plundering is in your best interest, you should be thankful!"

V572625694 December 9, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Or the bigger army and navy.

fuflans December 9, 2010 at 3:09 pm

if your parents had stolen a picasso painting they would likely be in jail. and if the same 'sins of the father' logic applied to common theft, you would be too.

thefrontpage December 9, 2010 at 9:46 am

Glenn Beck, like Sarah Palin, is an idiot, a moron, and a poseur. Both of them are horribly ignorant of the basics in government and politics, law, education, defense, the economy, transportation, commerce, trade, public safety, law enforcement, homeland security, the military, civics, history, legal issues, labor, trade, the environment, science, global warming, climate change, health, welfare, housing, courts, corrections, age issues, public service, public relations, communications, technology, manufacturing, industry, and hundreds of other issues. They have no business talking about government and politics, they have no business running for any political office, they have no business being on the cover of any magazine, and they have not business being on television or radio. Both of them are an embarrassement to the country, and to the world.

OneDollarJuana December 9, 2010 at 10:14 am

I think Beck is waaay smarter than Palin. After all, he's pulled himself out of alcoholism and quick self-destruction into a very lucrative career as a modern day Father Coughlin. It is not apparent that Palin had anything to do with McCain selecting her as a running mate, and all of her fame is accidental since, then, and controlled by others. Beck is certainly benefiting from an opportunity offered by Murdoch and Fox, but he and Murdoch are in more of a partnership than Palin and Fox. Palin is merely a useful tool, and once she gets a bit dull, it's into the scrap bin.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:44 am

Too many words invested in these two grifters. They ain't worth it, neither of 'em.

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:01 am

Glenn Beck was a morning zoo keeper with a coke habit before he stumbled across his current shtick and Sarah Palin was a sportscaster wannabee before moving to Alaska and getting the morans to cast a vote for her tits….that pretty much tells me all I need to know about both of them.

fuflans December 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm

good lord that was a fantastic screed. i would like this for my ring-tone, my doorbell, my blog homepage and my username.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 9, 2010 at 9:48 am

I understand that Anonymous guy is quite a poet and aphorist, too.

BerkeleyBear December 9, 2010 at 11:00 am

Don't forget being the number one friend to law enforcement and muckraking journalists. Or is it a family name, with Anonymous Tip and Anonymous Source as the siblings/offsprings of Anonymous?

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 11:52 am

He's also the best selling author in history; his biggest hit was "The Bible".

HempDogbane December 9, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Anonymous Tip also failed to wear a condom, that one time.

mavenmaven December 9, 2010 at 9:48 am

Now you know why Glenn Beck wants smaller government with less federal oversight.

freakishlywrong December 9, 2010 at 9:49 am

OT, sorta. I heard on some lame-ass librul news show this A.M. a legal term I've not heard before. Some asshole did something stupid and in his attempt to escape, stupidly made the situation worse and was charged with "aggressive fleeing". Is there any other kind?

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 9, 2010 at 9:58 am

Passive fleeing is putting your Rascal in neutral and coasting downhill while the rent-a-cop tries to catch up.

prommie December 9, 2010 at 10:03 am

"Aggressive fleeing" is like "resisting arrest" by lying on the ground and attempting to shield yourself from the beating.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:45 am

Similar to what the Beckster does: "Aggressive Fleecing."

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:02 am

Isn't fleeing sort of the opposite of agression? Unless you pop someone in the mouth on the way out the door I suppose.

deanbooth December 9, 2010 at 11:33 am

It's clear that criminals who don't turn themselves in are obstructing justice. Adding this charge to an indictment means you can get more prison time (profit!) in a plea bargin.

refudiatedness December 9, 2010 at 9:50 am

That letter is a heaping pile of win. Those two really should release the entire correspondence. I have a feeling it would warm the cockles of my heart. Cockles means "balls", right?

prommie December 9, 2010 at 10:43 am

A cockle is a clam, hold one sideways and observe the silhouette, it is perfectly heart-shaped (not like an actual heart, but shaped like that shape we call "heart shaped," but should really call "shaped like the silhouette of a cockle"). Thats why, I think, this phrase "the cockles of my heart" exists.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:46 am

Only in cold weather, when the sack shrinks way up next to your cock to keep them warm. You're welcome.

prommie December 9, 2010 at 9:59 am

Instant Karma seems to have got them.

wok3 December 9, 2010 at 10:05 am

And now I am picturing Glenn Beck hopping around all mad like a leprechaun, but that is probably the mushrooms giving me that vision. I mean he is way too hetero to speak gaelic.

At least when he's sober.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:48 am

Oh, yeah. Glenn is waaaay hetero. He ooooozes masculinity, that is, if by masculinity you mean preening and japing on tip-toes around a chalk board.

jim89048 December 9, 2010 at 10:14 am
Mindblank December 9, 2010 at 10:33 am

Stupid idiots. The best cons are those that provide no verifiable service or merchandise, like Pay-for-Pray networks. Hm.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:49 am

Prayer is always answered. Problem is, the answer is sometimes: "Fuck You, Asshole!"

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 11:51 am
ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 12:19 pm

That is so fucking bad, I can't stop smiling though. I am such an asshole! I love it!

BerkeleyBear December 9, 2010 at 11:04 am

Third world relief missions work well, seeing as how you can dump nearly limited money into Afghanistan without having to show anything for it.

Or do like an entrepeneur did in the Midwest and just put out boxes labeled "shoes and clothes" – people assume its a charitable donations, but it really goes to a for profit thrift store/retro shop.

gvvt December 9, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Pray for Gold. And a clue.

V572625694 December 9, 2010 at 10:41 am

Man, that letter deserves way better than a cheap-o frame. I'd have it matted with linen under non-glare glass, with a pin-spot to make every feral and ferocious word gleam.

DeeJayKitteh December 9, 2010 at 10:41 am

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the dreams of Glenn Beck followers for gold-plated scooters being killed.

qwerty42 December 9, 2010 at 10:51 am

"Weimar inflation"? Are they offering gold Reichmarks or gold Ameros?

Redhead December 9, 2010 at 10:53 am

"Government Seizes All of Glenn Beck’s Precious Gold"

This may be the only time in Beck's life he ever cried real tears.

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:06 am

Maybe he and Boner need to have a cry-off.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 10:54 am

The Beckster's Faithful will only see this kerfuffle as a plot by the Evil Kenyan's Minions to discredit their Lord and Savior. They will eagerly sit at his feet in front of their teevee machines awaiting his next utterance with bated breath, or bait breath, I forget which.

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:05 am

Funny….since Beck doesn't really believe in their Lord and Savior so much…being all Mormony and all.

ttommyunger December 9, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I meant Beck was their Lord and Savior, these 'tards believe in the Beckster.

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:04 am

I'm waiting to see the "Cash for Rascals" ads. Think of it, a few bucks and those folks could have a virtual showroom of fat people scooters!

hagajim December 9, 2010 at 11:06 am

I often wonder if the Beckster wears garmies made from spun gold.

SorosBot December 9, 2010 at 11:48 am

Maybe that's what makes the Mormon underwear magic.

mereoblivion December 9, 2010 at 11:11 am

There's gold in them-there shills!

Tundra Grifter December 9, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Why doesn't that hilarious letter have a date?

Of course, why don't I have a date?

metamarcisf December 9, 2010 at 12:31 pm

I don't know about you guys, but I buy all MY gold at Cheeseline, like Glenn Beck tells me to.

Tundra Grifter December 9, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Superior Gold supports Fox News, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity!
http://www.gold101.com/blog/index.php/despite-fra

At least, they used to…

gvvt December 9, 2010 at 5:00 pm

"Superior Gold Group is actively investigating all of the harassment. They are keeping records of all cases as they work with the authorities to stop the undesired attacks on their business."

Now the authorities are keeping all their records….

GOPCrusher December 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Actually a Gold 4 Cash company, that doesn't deliver, and advertises on Beck's show should get an award for being able to know their target market.

Rotundo_ December 9, 2010 at 7:37 pm

If you were a cynical, opportunistic grifter looking for easy marks, where better to go fishing than on Fox. If the rubes take that shit seriously, selling them non-existent gold coins and bullion would be easy pickins. PT Barnum would be bankrolling Fox instead of Murdoch if he were still around. A ready made audience of hoopleheads waiting to be fleeced.

V572625694 December 9, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Went back to look at this wonderful letter and it was gone. ¿ Que pasa?

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2010 at 10:43 am

Three Kings.

Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

738838 December 9, 2010 at 10:46 am

Sorry, I thought you were referring to Badges, we don't need no stinkin' badges.

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