it's morning in america

Government Seizes All of Glenn Beck’s Precious Gold

Another famous Glenn Beck advertiser

  • An activist California judge legislating from the bench has frozen the assets of Superior Gold Group, one of many NASCAR gold coin dealers who advertise The Solution to Weimar Hyper Inflation on Glenn Beck’s satanic teevee program. According to lawyers, Superior Gold Group “took payments from customers and never provided the gold ordered, charged prices much higher than fair market value and misled customers into buying expensive specialty coins.” Whoops. And now the authorities have seized all of Superior Gold’s delicious gold. FDR really is snatching up all the gold! (Oh, fuck!) [LAT/Mother Jones]
  • The House passed the DREAM Act yesterday. Nobody expects this bill to make it through the Senate, though. And in other “what are we gonna do with all those brownz?” news: Arizona is arguing about immigration with the Supreme Court. [WaPo]
  • got cyber-sexed by Internet heroes/nerds Anonymous. The Great Infowar continues. [NYT]
  • IMPORTANT MAIL-ORDER GOLD NEWS: Read this thing. [TwitPic]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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  1. vulpes82

    California just wants to get some of their gold back to bury in the hills and then have an old fashioned Gold Rush to get the economy humming. I'm on the steamer to Panama as we speak! I'll make a fortune with these denim jeans.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    The "investors" aka idiots might have known better (probably not) when the corprat mission statement of Superior Gold was "Bullion? We ain't got no Bullion. We don't need no Bullion. I don't have to show you any stinking Bullion."

      1. OneDollarJuana

        And at least when the end times come, you can actually eat Knorr bullion and gain nourishment. You could eat gold bullion, but all you're left with is some shitty gold.

        1. ManchuCandidate

          Well, you could melt the gold into shitty shiny precious bullets, but yeah… I'd rather have a million bouillon cubes than a million in gold when the zombies come for my hobo beans.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Is this the company that promises to send you "actual bullion" for your money? That would explain a lot.

      2. mumbly_joe

        No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

        I up-fisted you for that reference, btw.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I was hoping someone would "get it." One of my favourite lines from one of my favourite movies.

          1. 738838

            The quote is actually from 2 movies. Treasure of the Sierra Madre (I think) AND Blazing Saddles. (Mel swiped it and much of the rest of saddles from earlier westerns. One of the best movies ever though.)

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            Three Kings.

            Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
            Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
            Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

  3. charlesdegoal

    Feral and preposterous? This Aronson fellow is pretty articulate. Too bad he's wasting his time in commerce. I suppose his company is a subsidiary of Gold4Cash, or vice-versa.

      1. bureaucrap

        Funny you should mention that, because many years ago I was a summer law associate at the firm of "Feral and Preposterous", a major law firm based, of course, in NYC with a large Washington DC office. "Feral" was the partner in charge of the litigation group, and "Preposterous" ran the lobbying shop.

  4. Terry

    OMG, I love it, too. Gold painted rocks! Why didn't I think of that? BTW, I'm packing up my gold to send in for some nice cats as I type this.

          1. CthuNHu

            Um, if you were a bit pickier about the men and/or women you bring home draped around your neck, you wouldn't have that little flea problem.

    1. Terry

      I, too, would like them to host a birthday party for me at McDonalds. Breakfast party, please. I do enjoy a good sausage McMuffin with egg.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Me too, but I'd probably prefer an "ungreased, backdoor Hammertime lovemaking session" with a couple of hot telemarketers; for me these are much rarer incidents than breakfast at McDonald's. FML.

  5. weejee

    Do the investors from Glennbeckistan know about the billions in wires used for magnet windings by the Manhattan Project? Will they attack the Oak Ridge calutrons on their way to Kentuk's Big Ark Park?

  6. facehead

    I love these morans who trust Glenn Beck's endorsement of Cash4Gold.

    Da Gubamint jubst wanna sociamalize ma Skoal and Gold in Fort Knox — Beck wants gold to be free in da market, So I trust ma Skoal. Obamur wants to kill ma dog and grandma, and Glenn Beck wants me to get rich quick just like him. Praise jeebus.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Skoalrebel's got more sense than Beck. Blocks of chaw are gonna be worth waaay more than bricks of gold when it all comes down.

      Our local gunshop has all ammo 10% off. Might be worth a shopping trip….

  7. freakishlywrong

    Good. Better the rubes get duped out of their money on phony gold and survival seeds schemes, than donate that shit to an actual candidate that in this stupid country could actually win. (And did.)

    1. weejee

      ♪♫ Goodbye Rubie Foolsday
      Who could hang a game on you
      You'll lose gold change on every new day
      Ol' Beck's a'gonna stiff you ♫♪

    2. not that Dewey

      Except that CASH4GOLDPAC will simply funnel that same money to that same candidate in the end. A few profiteers make out better than they would have by the direct funnelling route.

  8. OneDollarJuana

    "Both companies [Goldline and Superior Gold] have claimed that they were targeted solely because of liberal outrage about Beck's political viewpoints".

    You mean like the outrage over Beck's viewpoint that he should have all your money while you get some shiny discs? Ooooh, shiny!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Ha ha! Guess machine gunning wolves from a helicopter isn't really good training for hunting caribou with a rifle.

  9. BeWoot

    Ooh, new meme! I just saw the word hyperinflation used in a comment on InsideHigherEd. This was a guy defending the attempt of a "film student" to butcher a live rabbit in a Maine college class. Menacing dimwittery marching toward Glenn Beckistan.

    1. SorosBot

      Did someone remind the moran that part of the problem with our current economy is that there is no inflation, and a possibility of deflation? That guy probably worried about the possibility of a drought in New Orleans during Katrina.

    1. mumbly_joe

      I should probably make some comment about Goldline comemmorative souvenir geldt here, but honestly it's still early and I'm hung over, so meh.

  10. SorosBot

    I do love how the Beckaloos think gold will be useful in an apocalypse because it has real value, unlike "fiat currency". News flash: like dollars, gold is only valuable because other people find it valuable; in the ancient world, gold became the main currency because it was both rare and shiny. And that's it; there's nothing inherent about gold that makes it worth anything.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      In high tech gold has high inherent value, as extremely corrosion-resistant coatings for electrical contacts, as coatings to enable electron microscopy, as an element to compound to make better drugs, as high-heat-transfer coatings in electronics. You actually can eat it, but to no physical benefit. Gold bricks might be good to hold down the corners of your tent, though. Or you could fill a sock with Krugerrands for use as a sap.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Somehow I don't think any real post apocolyptic scenario involves the survivors making supply contracts with Nokia et al with their special coins – although maybe that's what Beck meant (who knows).

    2. GunTotingProgressive

      I've tried explaining this fact to people, but it usually results in a reply of "but… It's gold!"

    3. BerkeleyBear

      They are totally missing the point. Now, tulips and cowrie shells? Those are where the real value lies, as any 17th Century Dutchman will tell you.

      Or precious blue wampum beads, for that matter.

      The whole process is highly amusing, especially since the major world powers and gold mining concerns could basically destroy the price of gold overnight with a little market manipulation. Not as ridiculously artificial as the price of diamonds, but close.

    4. deanbooth

      "gold is only valuable because other people find it valuable"

      They just don't believe that in God world.

      I read an interesting article that ties arguments for the gold standard to racism in the 19th century. "'Gold and silver,' insisted Treasury Secretary Hugh McCulloch in 1865, 'are the only true measure of value.' This truthfulness came from God and nature: 'I myself have no more doubt that these metals were prepared by the Almighty for this purpose, than I have that iron and coal were repared for the purposes for which they are being used.'" If you believe in natural kinds created by God, the value of both gold and people can't be changed by government fiat.

      Excuse my wonk; I just find this stuff interesting.

    5. CthuNHu

      Excuse me? What part of "shiny" don't you understand??

      Also, Julia Child made an omelet in a solid gold frying pan once, and said that it was excellent, if a bit heavy. (The pan, that is, not the omelet, which was presumably also excellent, and not at all heavy.)

  11. Plowmon

    The Dream Act is feral and preposterous, if my folks had stolen a Picasso painting when I was but a babe should it now legally be mine?

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Statutes of limitation are a bitch. Now, depending on how the theft was accomplished/concealed the statute may not run as of the moment of theft but for all non-capital offenses and civil actions eventually the clock runs out , which makes the need for the DREAM ACT so weird.

          1. Plowmon

            Sure, it doesn't seem fair to send what is basically an American teen back to Mituacon does it? But I sure wish my folks would've had larcenous hearts as well as that need to store lots of shit away for decades…

    1. qwerty42

      Well, ask the British Museum who owns the Elgin Marbles. Works of art are a poor example for your purposes: absent considerable proof, they tend to stay with whomever has the better lawyers.

      1. Plowmon

        That particular looting or gift, depending on who you talk to, may just have saved those treasures from the locals. "This plundering is in your best interest, you should be thankful!"

    2. fuflans

      if your parents had stolen a picasso painting they would likely be in jail. and if the same 'sins of the father' logic applied to common theft, you would be too.

  12. thefrontpage

    Glenn Beck, like Sarah Palin, is an idiot, a moron, and a poseur. Both of them are horribly ignorant of the basics in government and politics, law, education, defense, the economy, transportation, commerce, trade, public safety, law enforcement, homeland security, the military, civics, history, legal issues, labor, trade, the environment, science, global warming, climate change, health, welfare, housing, courts, corrections, age issues, public service, public relations, communications, technology, manufacturing, industry, and hundreds of other issues. They have no business talking about government and politics, they have no business running for any political office, they have no business being on the cover of any magazine, and they have not business being on television or radio. Both of them are an embarrassement to the country, and to the world.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I think Beck is waaay smarter than Palin. After all, he's pulled himself out of alcoholism and quick self-destruction into a very lucrative career as a modern day Father Coughlin. It is not apparent that Palin had anything to do with McCain selecting her as a running mate, and all of her fame is accidental since, then, and controlled by others. Beck is certainly benefiting from an opportunity offered by Murdoch and Fox, but he and Murdoch are in more of a partnership than Palin and Fox. Palin is merely a useful tool, and once she gets a bit dull, it's into the scrap bin.

    2. hagajim

      Glenn Beck was a morning zoo keeper with a coke habit before he stumbled across his current shtick and Sarah Palin was a sportscaster wannabee before moving to Alaska and getting the morans to cast a vote for her tits….that pretty much tells me all I need to know about both of them.

    3. fuflans

      good lord that was a fantastic screed. i would like this for my ring-tone, my doorbell, my blog homepage and my username.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Don't forget being the number one friend to law enforcement and muckraking journalists. Or is it a family name, with Anonymous Tip and Anonymous Source as the siblings/offsprings of Anonymous?

  13. freakishlywrong

    OT, sorta. I heard on some lame-ass librul news show this A.M. a legal term I've not heard before. Some asshole did something stupid and in his attempt to escape, stupidly made the situation worse and was charged with "aggressive fleeing". Is there any other kind?

    1. prommie

      "Aggressive fleeing" is like "resisting arrest" by lying on the ground and attempting to shield yourself from the beating.

    2. hagajim

      Isn't fleeing sort of the opposite of agression? Unless you pop someone in the mouth on the way out the door I suppose.

    3. deanbooth

      It's clear that criminals who don't turn themselves in are obstructing justice. Adding this charge to an indictment means you can get more prison time (profit!) in a plea bargin.

  14. refudiatedness

    That letter is a heaping pile of win. Those two really should release the entire correspondence. I have a feeling it would warm the cockles of my heart. Cockles means "balls", right?

    1. prommie

      A cockle is a clam, hold one sideways and observe the silhouette, it is perfectly heart-shaped (not like an actual heart, but shaped like that shape we call "heart shaped," but should really call "shaped like the silhouette of a cockle"). Thats why, I think, this phrase "the cockles of my heart" exists.

    2. ttommyunger

      Only in cold weather, when the sack shrinks way up next to your cock to keep them warm. You're welcome.

  15. wok3

    And now I am picturing Glenn Beck hopping around all mad like a leprechaun, but that is probably the mushrooms giving me that vision. I mean he is way too hetero to speak gaelic.

    At least when he's sober.

    1. ttommyunger

      Oh, yeah. Glenn is waaaay hetero. He ooooozes masculinity, that is, if by masculinity you mean preening and japing on tip-toes around a chalk board.

  16. Mindblank

    Stupid idiots. The best cons are those that provide no verifiable service or merchandise, like Pay-for-Pray networks. Hm.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Third world relief missions work well, seeing as how you can dump nearly limited money into Afghanistan without having to show anything for it.

      Or do like an entrepeneur did in the Midwest and just put out boxes labeled "shoes and clothes" – people assume its a charitable donations, but it really goes to a for profit thrift store/retro shop.

  17. V572625694

    Man, that letter deserves way better than a cheap-o frame. I'd have it matted with linen under non-glare glass, with a pin-spot to make every feral and ferocious word gleam.

  18. DeeJayKitteh

    If you listen closely, you can almost hear the dreams of Glenn Beck followers for gold-plated scooters being killed.

  19. Redhead

    "Government Seizes All of Glenn Beck’s Precious Gold"

    This may be the only time in Beck's life he ever cried real tears.

  20. ttommyunger

    The Beckster's Faithful will only see this kerfuffle as a plot by the Evil Kenyan's Minions to discredit their Lord and Savior. They will eagerly sit at his feet in front of their teevee machines awaiting his next utterance with bated breath, or bait breath, I forget which.

    1. hagajim

      Funny….since Beck doesn't really believe in their Lord and Savior so much…being all Mormony and all.

  21. hagajim

    I'm waiting to see the "Cash for Rascals" ads. Think of it, a few bucks and those folks could have a virtual showroom of fat people scooters!

    1. gvvt

      "Superior Gold Group is actively investigating all of the harassment. They are keeping records of all cases as they work with the authorities to stop the undesired attacks on their business."

      Now the authorities are keeping all their records….

  22. GOPCrusher

    Actually a Gold 4 Cash company, that doesn't deliver, and advertises on Beck's show should get an award for being able to know their target market.

    1. Rotundo_

      If you were a cynical, opportunistic grifter looking for easy marks, where better to go fishing than on Fox. If the rubes take that shit seriously, selling them non-existent gold coins and bullion would be easy pickins. PT Barnum would be bankrolling Fox instead of Murdoch if he were still around. A ready made audience of hoopleheads waiting to be fleeced.

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