sure whatever

‘Prayer Caucus’ Phones In a New ‘Obama Hates God’ Thing

'Obama said WHAT? Oh, that's cool. Praise be upon him.'It is a very slow news day today, in honor of John Lennon, a man who wrote music and died one time. It also seems slow for something called the Congressional Prayer Caucus, which seeks to make Americans pray more by sticking prayer earmarks into the law books or something. What is the controversy? Obama doesn’t say “God” enough for them, of course. He recently said “E pluribus unum” is the national motto, but it is not, because Dwight Eisenhower made “In God We Trust” the motto thing, trusting that nobody would ever care about such trivial matters, much less make it their entire business of being in government. Of course, “E pluribus unum” is considered a national motto, and Obama still says God a lot, but they do not care, because they need something to pretend to get irate about today.

From a letter to Obama that some House intern wrote on her first day:

John Adams said, “It is religion and morality alone, which can establish the principles upon which freedom can securely stand.” If Adams was right, by making these kinds of statements to the rest of the world, you are removing one of the cornerstones of our secure freedom. If we pull the thread of religious conviction out of the marketplace of ideas, we unravel the tapestry of freedom that birthed America.

Since when are tapestries giving birth to things? We didn’t know they had reproductive organs. Also, we thought “the marketplace of ideas” was made out of ideas, not yarn. Are the thoughts in our brains mere playthings put there by GIANT CATS? John Adams was probably such a cat himself and, as a victor, rewrote history to make us all bicker and not be able to get anything done in this country, because bitter polarization is the logical conclusion of this two-party system and because division=profit. Fuck you, Cat Adams. [HuffPo]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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157 comments

    1. V572625694

      Blasphemer!
      Gay blasphemer!
      Horn dog gay blasphemer!

      Prepare yourself: the Inquisitors will arrive shortly.

      Anyway, that Jeebus looks like the Brawny paper towel guy when he hasn't washed his hair recently.

    2. Progressiveinga

      I thought that was the 6th Beatle. Maybe Obama is the 6th Beatle.
      Today, Obeatle is singing:
      She said I know what it's like to be dead
      I know what it is to be sad
      and she's making me feel like I've never been born….

      1. jus_wonderin

        Stick a beak on him and he'd be the twin of the giant eagle. But, where is the tear in his eye?

    3. Negropolis

      I hear the white girls aren't so crazy about Aryan Jesus, 'cause Black Jesus got them coming back for more.

      Yes, his milkduds brings all the girls to the yard, and he's like, they are better than thines; verily, they are better than thines…

  1. slappypaddy

    "Are the thoughts in our brains mere playthings put there by GIANT CATS?"

    looks like you people finally figured it out. here, have some kibble.

    1. valgal2342

      Obama should sing the Meow Mix jingle inserting "God" into "meow" lyrics just for Michelle Bachmann's enjoyment.

      1. SorosBot

        You must not be my parents' dog, then, who thinks litter boxes are glorious things filled with delicious cat shit.

  2. Tommmcatt

    Actually, your thoughts are not so much playthings to us as….well, let me put it this way: We giant cats do not have to use litterboxes.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Well, that would finally explain the "Religious Right." They'd literally be poopyheads!

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Poopyheads. How charmingly preschool. You are my special wonkeratti now. I would have said, "shitheads," of course, but I am not adorably charming.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          DBB, you certainly (I didn't call you Shirley) haven't forgotten the grand old Wonkinternet tradition of "poopyhead". (TM owls, I think?).

          1. DustBowlBlues

            {hangs head in shame} I had not yet joined the august ranks of the wonkeratti yet. Boy, is my face red! (Name the children's magazine that featured that as a weekly write-in response column.
            No, really: name it, because I can't remember. "Weekly Reader?")

          2. DustBowlBlues

            It must have happened that half hour period when I was trying to resist the lure of the wonket so I could get something productive with my life.

            Fail, yet again.

  3. Ducksworthy

    That's the muscular non-semitic Jeebus I remember from my youth, and the one Mel Gibson masturbates to, also.

  4. nicnack74

    Our President is a much more committed man than I. I am so ready to yell FAWK You to everyone, and I'm not even a public official. I'm beginning to wonder if Cheney started out mean and evil or the job made him that way, like the ring in the Fellowship of the Rings.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I think you're correct. At least, that appears to be the image that covers virtually every vertical surface here in rural Idaho (Western Jeezustopia).

  5. Badonkadonkette

    we unravel the tapestry of freedom that birthed America

    Was this a natural birth? Did the tapestry of freedom poop all over Native Americans during the final push? What did they do with the placenta?

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Another English major! Damn. You have way more pees than I. And I just helped you by responding.

    1. ttommyunger

      Palin prolly invited Xstine over for a Bar-B-Q, followed by a rousing Prong Dance in the Asparagus patch.

  6. SorosBot

    It's good to see our nation's Congressman are concentrating on the important issues in these hard times.

    1. ttommyunger

      I figure they hate them as much as we do. Hypocrisy was condemned more than any other sin in the NT.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      True. I attend a church all the time, but on the whole, the nation would be better off without the religious types. Unlike me, of course, more like the Palins and the Hucks.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, if we could get them to attend church all the time, they'd be too busy to bother the rest of us.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        LIke the old college joke: I don't care if he does wear Jesus sandals, I say if he can turn water into wine, we let him in the fraternity.

  7. EdFlintstone

    One L Michele might be surprised how often Hopey does say god, as in goddamn, Bachmann is a fucking moron.

  8. PublicLuxury

    The pic of Jeebus is one usually found in Mormon households, cause he's looks just like them….

  9. PublicLuxury

    What is the problem with these fuckers? They are ALWAYS bringing up birf. You'd think they had some mommy issues or daddy issues or baby issues or they skipped some stage???? Where the hell is psychwench?

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I'm a clinical psychologist. Maybe I can help.

      These people are fixated on the "oral" and "anal" stages. Freud termed them "big-mouthed assholes," while Adler refers to "diarrhea of the mouth." Object relations theorists talk about "analingus" as their typical mode of interaction. Cognitive behavioral authorities argue that these people "have their heads up their asses."

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Evolutionary psychologists say "WTF? You expect us to explain this shit? Protoplasm from meteorites, who the fuck knows?"

      2. jim89048

        That could've been one of the lectures I attended when studying at the feet of someone who had studied at the feet of A.S. Neill, way back in the 60's. I guess that makes me a Neill-ist, too…

  10. SorosBot

    If Obama had some balls, he'd respond to this by going to church again publicly, back with that old Reverend they all hate because he was honest about nasty things America has done.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    La Belle Batshit, as usual, only got things half right. The real U.S. motto is "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash."

  12. Steverino247

    Barry probably says "God" a lot, especially when he's got a certain woman with well toned arms on top of him.

    As for the birth obsession: My own pet theory about this shit is that these assholes (the DSM-V will finally come out and call them what mental health professionals have been calling them behind their backs all this time) have certain beliefs about blacks and this guy's not fitting their stereotypes, ruining their little racist jokes for them.

  13. OC_Surf_Serf

    "It is religion and morality alone, which can establish the principles upon which freedom can securely stand"

    So submit to the all-powerful who controls all aspects of your life and you will be FREE!!

      1. Oblios_Cap

        You've got free will – just don't make the wrong choice or you'll burn for all eternity!

        No pressure!

  14. GuanoFaucet

    Hey Bachmann, if he mentions Gog and Magog like Bush, that feeble-minded sadistic asshole, does that count?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I imagine Gog and Magog as two ancient fuckups played by Jack Black and that one one doofus-hipster kid, absent-mindedly freeing the Whore of Babylon and bringing on the Apocalypse. That, or two pulpy barbarian kings dreamed up by Robert E. Howard. Or maybe they're Grog and Mygrog, protagonists of many a drunken sailor joke of the 18th Century.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        You dazzle me again with the breadth of your literary tapestry, or whatever (ran out of gas there, sorry).

      2. SorosBot

        I imagine Gog as the last god of the Third World, and Magog as a character from Kingdom Come meant as a parody of 90s antiheroes who has for inexplicable reasons been inserted into present-day continuity, and is a reminder that Geoff Johns sucks.

  15. DeeJayKitteh

    If the tapestry of freedom made out of religious conviction birthed the United States, does that make the Congressional Prayer Caucus the afterbirth?

  16. toomtabard

    And Bachmann and Friends offer to meet with him to discuss the matter further! I think Obama would like to take that meeting as much as he would like to be kicked squarely in the nuts repeatedly (and really, the two things are synonymous).

  17. JustPixelz

    Look at the artistry of the slam: He doesn't say god or creator "enough". How much would be enough? I suspect the answer is infinity + 10.

    Rush doesn't say "No thanks, I don't do drugs" enough.
    Palin doesn't say "I'm don't care about money" enough.
    Beck doesn't say "I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about" enough.
    Bachmann doesn't say "I swallow" enough.

    1. ttommyunger

      O'Reilly doesn't say "how much will it take for you to drop the lawsuit and surrender the tapes" enough.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    So if, by not mentioning God, President Obama is pulling the thread of religion — which is a cornerstone — out of the tapestry of freedom and depriving the marketplace of ideas, he must be feathering the nest of anarchy with the wet noodles of socialism, grinding the face of prayer under the jackboot of secular humanism, and pulling the wool over the eyes of our melting pot with the iron fist of facts in the velvet glove of compromise. In short, we're going to need a whole new wardrobe. Of freedom.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh, they make it too easy. Which is why I couldn't be a spy — I have to work for the fun side.

  19. Rotundo_

    So unless he's trying to work the word "God" or "Jesus" into every other phrase, like an ad from some sort of huckster hawking aluminum pans on a shopping channel, or some asshole selling fake rolex watches they decide he isn't religious enough. So that's how it works, a babbling idiot mumbling "God God God God God God God God God God God God God God" every waking minute, while playing with feces is more pious than Barry. Yep, that's logical.

  20. GOPCrusher

    Well, Iran is a theocracy. I suppose it's only fitting that the Xtians make America into one too.

  21. BorderJumper!

    Found the quote I was looking for…
    "I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator."
    - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2

  22. anniegetyourfun

    The Council to Assert Religious Morality is correct to quote John Adams. After all, how else would be determine the need to stone to death children who disobey their parents. That's not an idea that people just come up with. No, we need God for those kinds of amazing ideas.

    ETA: why the fuck can't I link to shit anymore?

  23. Amaravilha

    Keith Ellison should try to join the Prayer Caucus, just for shits and giggles. And bring along a professional muezzin to start things off right.

  24. natoslug

    Are Prayer Cocks what you get during a viagra and meth fueled rentboy party? If so, why are we listening to them? If not, why are we listening to them?

  25. JackObin

    John Adams was pre-Darwinian. Clearly he and all the founders would be atheists today. They would also think Sarah Palin a practical joke from the British in response to the Tea Party.

  26. marinmaven

    If I were Jesus I would resent the artist rendering him in the likeness of David Hasselhoff. Just saying.

    In other news, I have been trying to track down ukulele chords to Barber's Adagio for Strings because what goes better with bitter tears than that?

  27. obfuscator2

    i bet he says stuff like "goddamn fucking steve king can go fuck off" and "every goddamn time i try to accomplish something, these goddamn imbeciles have to pipe in with their shit" all the time.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    So they claim the concept of separation of church and state doesn't exist because those exact words are not the First Amendment but a letter by Jefferson, whereas the words "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office" are literally written in the actual document, and they act like it doesn't count because they found a quote by Adams that they think contradicts it?

    Then their logic jumps ahead in time to the 1950s, to justify their case further, again without any internal consistency in their logic:
    "In 1956, Congress passed and President Eisenhower approved the law establishing 'In God We Trust' as the official national motto of the United States," the letter reads. "[Y]ou mentioned being unified under one flag. The Pledge of Allegiance to our flag says that we are 'one nation under God.'" In neglecting to use the word "God," they say Obama is "casting aside an integral part of American society."

    "Integral." But only since 1956, a full 180 years after the nation's founding.

    Also.

    1. marinmaven

      It would be also interesting to note that OUR constitution does not mention GOD anywhere. I think it was the first constitution to do so. I figure if our constitution doesn't mention God, our President or any other public servant shouldn't have to.

      Also, our constitution had many constitutional models to choose from, the founders chose the Virginia state constitution which allows for the most religious freedom or freedom of non-belief especially for the non-Christian.

    2. Beanball

      The Pledge didn't become part of the Flag Code until 1942. Also and har-de-har-har: It was originally written in 1892 as a marketing slogan to sell flags to public schools. It's author, Francis Bellamy, was a fricking Socialist, with a capital "S".

      Wankers.

  29. thefrontpage

    What on frickin' earth is the Congressional Prayer Caucus? Don't they meet at that special house on C Street?

    1. Barrelhse

      I'll bet they think the "C" stands for christian, but we know what the "C" word really is, and just how appropriately it fits that ilk.

  30. DustBowlBlues

    The intern, by the way, doesn't know jack shit about John Adams and has damn sure never read one of his letters. The man believed in personal morality (as in, refusing to employ slave labor and working his farm himself because taking the Jefferson route was morally indefensible.)

    Life in the US would be better if these dicks just watched the HBO mini-series, for chrissakes. They don't have to read the book–it's long and, frankly, not exactly like reading Joseph Ellis, but shit–HBO made a very watchable movie out of it. WTF?

  31. chickensmack

    I say "goddammit" enough to make up for Barry's lack of Jesus. Remember, if ketchup is a vegetable, "GD" is still invoking God.

  32. Redhead

    Dear memo-writing House intern: please stop mixing metaphors. More is not always better. I'm sure you have English 101 homework to finish.
    Sincerely, Redhead.

    PS – Adams didn't say WHICH religion established the basis for freedom. Maybe he meant Buddha (regular, not aqua).

  33. snoopyfan2010

    By just being nice to these people and not giving them a taste of their own BS, Barry is being more Christ-like than they claim.

  34. axmxz

    If the tapestry of freedom made out of religious conviction birthed the United States, a sheet of Fruit Roll-ups made out of corn syrup birthed the Congressional Prayer Caucus.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    Has anyone pointed out that the prayer caucus, whatever that vile bunch of hypocrites actually is, probably copped the "whole tapestry" analogy from Elizabeth Warren? She uses it to explain to simpletons why we need to re-regulate because, over time, the various acts of deregulation began "unraveling the tapestry."

    I'm shocked, really, that they have even heard EW speak. But then, I suppose they were listening to liberal teevee to monitor how often God was mentioned. Like they had to watch "Friends" because the Focus on the Family newsletter listed how many times bad language and partial nudity was used in it and various other shows meant for viewers above the 6th. grade level. After all, Jennifer Aniston's low cut shirts arent' going to count themselves.

  36. PalinPussyPower

    Every time one of these cousinfuckers invokes God, I become a little bit more militant in my agnosticism.

  37. tribbzthesquidz

    Oh white-bearded-Santee-Klaws-Gawd-in-Heaven please deliver us from this sane president. Needz moar kkkrazy!

  38. Negropolis

    Also, we thought “the marketplace of ideas” was made out of ideas, not yarn. Are the thoughts in our brains mere playthings put there by GIANT CATS? John Adams was probably such a cat himself and, as a victor, rewrote history to make us all bicker and not be able to get anything done in this country, because bitter polarization is the logical conclusion of this two-party system and because division=profit. Fuck you, Cat Adams.

    THIS is why I keep coming back here. I totally get this thought process. From ideas to yarn to cats to presidents. This madness, this fever; she makes sense.

    Yes, fuck you, Cat Adams, indeed.

  39. Negropolis

    Even for his day John Adams was known as a conservative. It is no wonder, then, that they hold him in such high regard. I hope that they all know that John Adams was a total elitist, though, which doesn't exactly fit with their tea bagger values.

  40. Mindblank

    Are the thoughts in our brains mere playthings put there by GIANT CATS? i can haz dialectucul matereelismz?

  41. Dumbedup

    I guess my sense of humor is really gone when otherwise funny right wing crap like this just produces an urge to literally strangle one of these porcine hypocritical bastards.

  42. StevnJessie1

    Trailer Jesus, protect us from that Muslim President.
    ….hold on, I’m a civilized liberal.
    Muslim President, please protect us from Trailer Jesus!!!!

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