‘Prayer Caucus’ Phones In a New ‘Obama Hates God’ Thing

  sure whatever

'Obama said WHAT? Oh, that's cool. Praise be upon him.'It is a very slow news day today, in honor of John Lennon, a man who wrote music and died one time. It also seems slow for something called the Congressional Prayer Caucus, which seeks to make Americans pray more by sticking prayer earmarks into the law books or something. What is the controversy? Obama doesn’t say “God” enough for them, of course. He recently said “E pluribus unum” is the national motto, but it is not, because Dwight Eisenhower made “In God We Trust” the motto thing, trusting that nobody would ever care about such trivial matters, much less make it their entire business of being in government. Of course, “E pluribus unum” is considered a national motto, and Obama still says God a lot, but they do not care, because they need something to pretend to get irate about today.

From a letter to Obama that some House intern wrote on her first day:

John Adams said, “It is religion and morality alone, which can establish the principles upon which freedom can securely stand.” If Adams was right, by making these kinds of statements to the rest of the world, you are removing one of the cornerstones of our secure freedom. If we pull the thread of religious conviction out of the marketplace of ideas, we unravel the tapestry of freedom that birthed America.

Since when are tapestries giving birth to things? We didn’t know they had reproductive organs. Also, we thought “the marketplace of ideas” was made out of ideas, not yarn. Are the thoughts in our brains mere playthings put there by GIANT CATS? John Adams was probably such a cat himself and, as a victor, rewrote history to make us all bicker and not be able to get anything done in this country, because bitter polarization is the logical conclusion of this two-party system and because division=profit. Fuck you, Cat Adams. [HuffPo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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