Senate Going To Try To Vote On DADT Today, Or Maybe March 27, 2019

Get on it.Harry Reid is going to finally try to get a cloture vote passed to be able to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell today some day soon, at long last, but there’s a very good chance it will fail, because our modern democracy is so advanced that it doesn’t work and can’t rule on matters of basic equality. Gay-loving Republicans Scott Brown, Susan Collins, and John Ensign are said to want to vote for repeal. But Collins said she won’t vote for cloture because she thinks the Senate should have a lot of time to stick a bunch of amendments into this thing like they always do. Reid doesn’t want to agree to this because he doesn’t want Jim DeMint or whoever to say a bunch of mean things about gays on the Senate floor. Harry Reid must hate funny YouTube videos of Jim DeMint that would embarrass his descendants for millennia.

Anyway, Joe Lieberman says Collins has been negotiating in “good faith.” So hopefully she soon will realize that she has the lives and livelihoods of lots of soldiers in her hands, and that not everything is about parliamentary process and How Things Are Done.

Anyway, we are currently asleep, because this is boring. Can someone go grind up on Jim DeMint and get this thing rolling along? Those gays have some people pretending to be Taliban officials to translate. C’mon, we’ve already sent gay-beloved comedian Kathy Griffin to entertain the troops. FINISH THE JOB. Or we will still be talking about this in 10 years or so, as this dumb cloture vote will probably fail. [WP/WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. mumbly_joe

    You seem awfully confused, if you think anything descended from Jim Demint will ever possess the physical capacity for shame.

  2. jim89048

    Once the entire military is outsourced to haliburton and Xe it won't matter anymore because corporations have rights, people do not.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    So Collins will vote for cloture, but only if she can be guaranteed that the legislation itself will never come to an actual vote.

    I guess that's called being a "moderate Republican."

    1. Pragmatist2

      Actually the formal term is "idiot", but "Moderate Republican" is close enough for government work.

  4. V572625694

    It seems to me that a "democracy" in which 43 votes count more than 57 isn't really a democracy at all. It is, rather, the rule of the many by the few.

    The fuck's up with that, dude? If I had guns I'd recommend some Second Amendment solutions to this problem, but as an old hippie peacenik, I got nothing.

    1. WigFlipper

      Being a hippy peacenik, you undoubtedly live in a state where your guns would be forcibly stripped from you and then used to give you the ol' TSA special.

      1. Negropolis

        That's hot. As is the "ideeli" Rachel Uchitel-looking lady to the right with the legs that go on forever and ever, amen…

  5. the_onceler

    I want DADT to go away because it's NOT right that gays aren't allowed in the military. But, most of all, I want DADT to go away because I hate having to like Joe Lieberman for pushing to end discrimination.

  6. SorosBot

    Now that the military's report has come out, what is McCain's newest excuse for not voting for repeal yet, even as he swears he does want it repealed one of these days, for reals for reals, but just not now?

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      His latest thinking is that ALL uniformed service members need to be comfortable about serving with gay people before any change is made. This is just how racial integration of the military was handled 50+ years ago. The consent of the last bigot was required before the negroes were allowed to share barracks with them.

      1. SorosBot

        That's why those proposed 13th through 15th Amendments are still sitting out there; there's some bigots who still haven't made the approval unanimous.

    2. Cicada

      His hemorrhoids are acting up, dammit! You can't expect a man to vote to end an unfair and shameful law when his heinie hurts.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        Just give that old fucker another jet to crash and award him his ace's patch. That'll keep him happy until he finally shuffles off of this mortal coil.

    3. ttommyunger

      Senator Crankypants now says he's waiting for a sign; specifically, a good, solid bowel movement. He says he really needs one of those; hasn't had one since the last time Charlie shot his ass out of the fucking sky.

    4. transfatz

      "what is McCain's newest excuse for not voting for repeal"

      He needs to be changed and have a nap first. Over and over again.

    1. PublicLuxury

      McCain is such an old curmudgeon. All he can do these days is growl and snarl. Some old dogs need to take a handful of Advil to put them out of their misery.

    1. V572625694

      Here's the deal:

      For the Democrats: Gays in the military can't ask, but can be told. "Sorry, Sargeant Jones, but you have to be gay now."

      For the Republicans: "Tax buts for billionaires."

      They worked long and hard to come to this output, heh heh.

    2. StillGoinGreen

      OK, here ya go – there can be gays in the military, but they have to promise to only have sex with the opposite sex for the whole time they are in. Unless a certain Republican congressman wants to have a tickle fight or something. Oh, and tax cuts.

      PS – Can we PLEASE get a better ghey pic??!!

    3. DeeJayKitteh

      I'm sure the compromise legislation will do something like allow gays in the military, but only if they agree to pay the taxes for the top 2% of income earners in the country. Let's keep in mind who we really want to protect here.

    4. hooray4anything

      Soldiers can watch Glee, Modern Family, and listen to Lady Gaga but can't listen to the Scissor Sisters, club music, or dress like Lady Gaga

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      Cindy, on the other hand, won't give a shit, because half-naked gay Gyrenes running on the beach are just as fun to look at as half-naked straight Gyrenes…

  7. PublicLuxury

    They are going to vote on half of the bill. It is going to cut out the first part and leave the second. So, the military peoples can ask all they want, but nobody will tell them anything. The policy will now be called, 'Don't Tell." It will live on in infamy, just like Pearl Harbor Day only with better dressers.

    1. ttommyunger

      I hear they will combine it with a bill to outlaw pregnancies for Active Duty Personnel. It will be "Don't Ask, Don't Swell"…sorry

  8. facehead



    1. transfatz

      Don't tell me the end. I want to see for myself how the "caged vixens of platoon 69" defeat the "leather burqua strap on double header warriors" in Djibouti.

  9. slappypaddy

    this country would have a dangerous government if it ever got around to actually doing anything.

    don't get me wrong. the issue of gays in the military is a non-issue, raised by people who are too cowardly to deal with real issues. gays have always been in the military, soldiers have always belonged to the government (hence, "g.i."), and their be—–

    o fuck it i'm just so fucking tired of all this shit. anybody wanna bet barry don't run for a second term? who the fuck wants to be chief executive of this bloated, dysfunctional government? not anybody in their right mind.

  10. magic_titty

    When Harry Reid and Joe Lieberman are on your side of an argument…don't you take a second to step back and reevaluate that argument?

    1. WigFlipper

      As tempting as it is to think DeMint is your standard self-hating closeted fag-basher, I think that it's a mistaken notion. See, DeMint is asexual; he arose from some sort of swamp pit fully formed, with a hideous leer on his face.

        1. Negropolis

          I said it before, but he has one of the most unnatural smiles I've ever seen on a human being. It's like his human skin doesn't fit over his reptilian body properly, so the lips pull back too far and stretch in something very wicked.

          1. ttommyunger

            I've seen that smile before. It is pasted on the Funeral Director's face when you hand him the check.

  11. Fare la Volpe


    Wait, Jimbo will like it too much. Scratch that.

  12. jim89048

    Since this mostly only affects teh gheys, I'll wait until Lindsey Graham tweets something about it.

  13. GOPCrusher

    In other gay related news, Mullah VanderPlatts, who successfully got three of the Supreme Court justices that ruled that banning gay marriage in Iowa was unconstitutional, voted off the court, is now calling for all the other justices to resign their positions immediately because "The people have spoke!".
    Meanwhile Gov-Elect Branstad has called Senator Gronstal "a dictator" because he refuses to allow a bill requiring that gay marriage be put on the ballot for a vote through the Iowa Senate.

    Give these fucking people an inch and they will take a mile. Now that Obama has rolled over and took it up the ass on tax cuts, we can only expect that by 2012, the few people that have jobs will be paying their bosses for the right to keep them.

    1. SorosBot

      Well dictators throughout the world are well known for using their powers to protect minorities from discrimination.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Republicans are simply trying to ensure that the people fighting for our freedom are of the utmost level of heavenly purity to ensure the approval of Our LORD. In fact, they would require virginity from our enlistees if that didn't mean that the only people who could serve were Christine O'Donnell, Lindsay Graham and a set of homely twins from Nebraska.

    1. Redhead

      Is that why they and their offspring avoid actually JOINING the military, to preserve its heavenly purity?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Yes, it's evidence of their humility — they'd rather let the more worthy do the fighting, while they handle the money and other filth that would degrade our soldiers' noble mission.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I am very impressed you know that cloture also means fence in french. if you didn't know that, please don't spoil my illusions!

  15. GunTotingProgressive

    I read your post and thought that you were calling for someone to grind up Jim Demint. This made me happy. Then I read the post again and now I'm sad.

  16. Come here a minute

    McCain just longs for the good old days when "gay" just meant happy. Like, he is so gay for tax cuts and wars and defense contractors and bankers.

  17. Gorillionaire

    Alexander the Great, who conquered the entire known world at an age when most of us are still trying to get our pathetic indie rock bands "signed", liked to get freaky with the boys now and again. You would think that John McCain would remember him, from the times they hung out and stuff.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Or Richard the Lionhearted (but paisley undergarmented), the culture of Spartan gay bonding as a means of increasing camraderie, the Knights Templars reputed love for each other, and the well known homosexual subculture in the officer corps of Germany, England and France in the 19th and 20th centuries. And how homosexuality and soldiering have always been paired together throughout history.

      Now, we could also talk about the reality of how much of the sex soldiers historically have had, of any kind, that was consensual as opposed to rape, but we want to focus on the positive here.

    2. Negropolis

      He's still pissed that Alexander the Great beat him in the election. He still can only bring himself to call him "that young upstart Alexander the candidate for the office of The Great."

  18. slappypaddy

    nothing says decadence, lost cause, hopeless fubar, end-of-the-line, and terminal imperial decline quite like that photo of drunken, pasty, puffy half-naked mercenaries buttfucking en plein air. and i'm sure they're all about as straight as their mommas would hope them to be. nobody's straight, and anybody who's been around the block a time or two would know that, and would also know it's not the issue. the issue is having professional military personnel who know better than to get drunk and naked and fuck each other and photograph the spectacle.

    what in the flying fuck of fredonia is wrong with our political leaders that they refuse to recognize what the important issues are? this country is turning into an insane asylum on board a huge, rudderless ship adrift on the seas of banality, a storm bearing down on the port quarter, a tsunami approaching fast off the starboard beam, and icebergs dead ahead.

  19. johnnyzhivago

    DeMint is ready to accept gays in a variety of military positions, including mine clearing, unexploded bomb disposal, shark chasing and the entire Coast Guard.

  20. MistaEko

    Oh, whine whine whine! Ain't gonna pass this, ain't gonna pass that! Why, if Obama hadn't comprimised on tax cuts, you complainers wouldn't have even gotten to WATCH the repeal die a slow and embarassing death over a parliamentary technicality!

  21. mumbly_joe

    Great news, everyone! Susan Collins is totally willing to break the Republican filibuster, so long as Harry Reid decides to allow debate to proceed indefinitely, and also Republicans to add as many unrelated poison pill provisions as possible to the final bill. He'd have to be crazy not to take that offer!

    1. SorosBot

      Why, it's almost as if like her fellow Republicans Collins is actually against repeal but wants to be able to claim she supports it to her relatively liberal constituents, and is disingenuously using procedural arguments to mask her opposition.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    "This is the president's vote and his leadership can make the difference today," Christopher Neff of the Palm Center said in a statement e-mailed shortly after Reid's announcement.

    Oh shit. We're doomed.

  23. Negropolis

    Susan Collins is the queen of "parliamentary procedure and How Shit Gets Done" (i.e. hostage taking). If even so much as a hair on the head of this bill is misplaced, she'll let you know about it…oh, and kill the bill.

  24. Jukesgrrl

    That sentence of Jack's is so great, it should be chiseled above the entrance to the Senate floor.

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