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And Then It Was Time To Talk About Obama Getting a Primary Opponent

Laugh it up, fuzzball.We’re just a few months (or mere weeks) away from members of the minority party officially unofficially jumping into the presidential race. And the sitting president just did something that was unpopular with his own party. This can only mean one thing: It’s time to talk about the president getting a challenger for his party’s next nomination! Did you know that there has been “a debate that has been bubbling up on liberal blogs and e-mail lists in recent weeks”? Sounds delicious. Helpfully, some magazine rabbi guy raised this issue in the Washington Post opinion section on Saturday, and gave us some suggested candidates: “John Conyers.” “Susan Sarandon.” Sure, whatever. This Obama fellow is definitely going down, based on all this bubbling e-mail list chatter and half-baked rabbi op-eds. That’s basically your America right there.

Is it possible to overstate how angry liberals are about this tax-cut situation? Was that really the issue they cared about? Matt Bai doesn’t think so. Matt Bai think this primary challenge is definitely happening, because of that rabbi op-ed and a couple of the million people who have Huffington Post blogs saying the same thing, albeit without suggesting John Conyers. And that is an old journalistic axiom: Two dumb Huffington Posts and one inane Washington Post make a trend.

Let’s just quote a line from each to see if these pieces are dumb:

Matt Bai:

In 1960, the hipster John F. Kennedy

HuffPo 1:

There is also the likelihood in 2012 of a centrist independent candidate, perhaps Michael Berlusconi — oops, I mean Bloomberg

HuffPo 2:

Some of us, like Allard Lowenstein, Sarah Kovner, Harold Ickes, Eleanor French, Blair Clark, decided that Johnson’s pro Vietnam policy had to be publicly challenged.

Rabbi guy:

We need a progressive push for a new New Deal, which in the 21st century could be the Caring Society: “Caring for Each Other and the Earth.”

So if you are playing at home, the answers are: dumb, dumb, dumb, and dumb, respectively.

There really is nobody from the left that would run against this man, unless Obama turned into something approximating Joe Lieberman on a severe sigh bender. We hope a primary challenge happens, and we hope the media at least takes it semi-seriously, though, because it would probably be pretty funny and sad.

Oh wait: Elizabeth Edwards passed away yesterday. So John Edwards will jump in this race, because he cares so much about her cancer. DUH. Will he win Iowa again, with the charm of his awfulness? [NYT/Huffington Post/WP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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141 comments

  1. CablinasianDem

    "On the same site, Clarence B. Jones, a one-time confidant of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., suggested that liberals should break with Mr. Obama now, just as Dr. King and others did with Lyndon B. Johnson in 1968. "

    Look! It only took us a day to compare a compromise on tax cuts to a decade of death in Vietnam.

    1. jfruh

      Well, there's always the decade of death in Afghanistan. Too bad liberals don't care about that shit anymore, now that they won't be drafted for it!

      1. V572625694

        "In a move reminiscent of Pol Pot's 'Year Zero,' when hospital patients were sent to work in the fields and opponents of the regime were slaughtered mercilessly, President Obama today fired Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of Agriculture for Climate Change William Johnson. Johnson, who accepted a position as Director of Governmental Affairs with Archer-Daniels-Midland…"

  2. BorderJumper!

    Maybe Pres. Obama should try "compromising" with his own party as well, but we all know how well that would go…

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Good idea. Instead of sharing the Presidency with the Repubs as appears to be the case now, let's elect 2 co-presidents, but from the Dem pool. If Ivory Coast can have two, US America can too!

  3. Terry

    "There is also the likelihood in 2012 of a centrist independent candidate, perhaps Michael Berlusconi — oops, I mean Bloomberg "

    Until there is a gif of him dry humping a uniformed NYPD officer, Bloomberg is no Berlusconi.

    1. SorosBot

      Certainly I have not heard about Bloomberg openly sexing up 14-year-old girls and the populace not giving a shit.

  4. SorosBot

    If the Huffington Post says that Obama is going to have a primary challenger, that pretty much proves that he's going to running unopposed.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Wait until it's in 60 pt. bold RED typeface; then you know it's a genuine 100% leaden trial balloon.

  5. vulpes82

    The thing is that I don't think the liberal-hippie wing of the Democratic party that is mad enough at Obama to want to primary him is as large or rabid as the Tea Party/even-batshittier-than-usual wing of the Republican party, who have shown they'll primary anyone too "RINO," to actually get anywhere. The Democratic coalition is too diverse, much more so than the Republican one. Plus, you know, we're still two years away from the election and stuff changes and people are just ticked. And who, exactly, is this magical candidate who will come at him, win, and then win the election? Dennis Kucinich? Howard Dean? Please.

    Also, "Caring Society"?!? I agree with the whole thing, and it still makes me want to barf.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I'd sure like to see Dean as an adviser though. The chicken shit he's got now ain't cutting it. Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww!

    2. bitchincamaro2

      "Caring Society"?!? I know. Wait until Frank Lutz gets hold of that catchphrase and morphs it into the equivalent of throwing American families into the wood-chipper.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah I'm thinking the "Xtreme Awesomeness Society" would sell better, especially with the youngs. They could do the same caring kind of things, which would be awesome, but the edgier name gets people interested.

  6. Blendergoathead

    Might as well throw Jane Hamsher into the mix; she helped produce a successful movie about psychos on a killing spree once, a long time ago, so she's *obviously* qualified to lead the Dems out of the wilderness.

    1. Terry

      I still blame Firedoglake and Ned Lamont for cutting Lieberman entirely off his party leash and letting him become the complete batshit bastard he is today, as opposed to the slightly controlled batshit bastard he was.

  7. OC_Surf_Serf

    Anybody who thinks there are just "Murmurs" out there is either capable of understanding Michael Stipe's lyrics or is stone deaf (or both). Where has the fucking Librul Media™ been since the Public Option was dropped?

    Can Barry please get all shitty-mouthed with the conservatives as much as he trashes his base?

    1. vulpes82

      I don't quite get the "why can't Barry call the conservatives names" thing, because yesterday he basically called them terrorists without quite saying it. The worst he said about liberals was they were "sanctimonious" and "idealists." Well get my smelling salts! Such language! Worse than calling your opponents, at best, crazed gunmen who are trying to kill the American people!

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Apparently I wasn't the only person paying attention from about 2006 until yesterday when he said, over and over again that this shit wasn't going to be easy and we'd have to make sacrifices and compromises because we couldn't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. And that people who did so on either side were the biggest obstacle to change. I was starting to think I imagined his entire backstory/life history/record the way people were starting to talk about him as some sort of fallen progressive.

        1. Ruhe

          When your "allies" in congress are at turns witless, spineless and feckless then you're bound to look like a fallen progressive when you take the only path available and attempt to engage in some realpolitik.

        2. doxastic

          No shit. Obama knows full well that being a Democrat means going to work every day, even when the conditions are awful, your coworkers are dicks, your corporate overlords are thieves and the task is almost impossible. Was yesterday a crap day at work? Yes, and they will all be shitty basically forever. But we can't quit, waddle to our scooters and Go Galt. That's the Republicans' job.

        3. imissopus

          No kidding. He even apparently said at his press conference that he doesn't think extending tax cuts for millionaires is a good policy. I picture him saying to the conservatives, "We can't afford these tax cuts if we want to reduce the deficit, we must let them expire." And the Repubs answer, "Chicken crap, Mr. President. Tax cuts stimulate the economy trickle down blah blah blah." And Obama saying "I think you are all wrong but I'll give you two more years if you'll give me a few things to help the people who are struggling today." He's results-oriented. A moral victory would have done nothing but make Keith Olbermann feel better.

          1. jakegittes

            And two years from now, the Dittoheads and the Teabaggers are going to be able to understand the nuance that tax cuts did nothing to stimulate and re-start the economy and therefore will vote for the colored President? Bull Shit. You pragmatists are much more naive and stupid than the principled left.

      2. bitchincamaro2

        Wait. I thought the progressive base was merely "retarded"; now we've got these other pigeon holes to fill?? I'm exhausted!

      3. Katydid

        As long as we're being serious, one thing Barry didn't fight for is unemployment benefits for the 99ers, people who have been out of work for about 2 years. They're fucked. I think it's about 2 million people. He could have included that, but nobody's even talking about that. I think the liberals are right to be upset.

        Maybe Barry was always a centrist, but that doesn't mean liberals have to agree with everything he does.

        1. vulpes82

          I thought they were included, though. Everything I've seen seems to say that it was unemployment extension for all.

    2. Preferred Customer

      I got all excited when I read your post, because I'd much rather have a discussion about the lyrics of REM's Murmur than talk any more about tax cuts.

  8. trampndirtdown

    I for one think barry should quit with the public sausage making and act more like Raygun. You remember, "oh if I just had a line item veto things would be great". People hate congress, always have, and they won't give the president any credit for trying to work with those asshats. Oh I know you'll say but what about Ronnie and Tip O'neal(sic) well nobody thought they talked about anything but how many holes the Gip drilled in dressing room walls.

  9. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, wasn't the new New Deal Krugman's whole thing about actually doing real comprehensive Health Care Reform? Only, wait, Obama cocked that up too, as he helpfully reminded us yesterday.

    Dumb columnists might be dumb, but come on.

      1. V572625694

        I like her, truth to tell. She did run for goobernor in the CA recall election in naught-three that gave us the gift of Arnold.

          1. V572625694

            Bet you wished you live here and could join in the fun. Maybe you do! We’ve gone from Jerry “Brown” to “Grey” Davis (who was Jerry’s chief of staff) back to Jerry “Brown.” Lotta colored boys.

    1. arihaya

      if Arianna run,, Orly Taitz will show us an Authentic Greek Birth Certificate

      and then, we will soon have Greek Birth Certificate Generator.com

  10. Texan_Bulldog

    Can someone tell me how the HuffPo, created by a Greek woman who married/divorced a bi-sexual Republican & who used to be a conservative, came to become the go-to guide for the Democratic Party? I don't get it & I hate that woman's voice almost as much as Snowbilly's.

    1. SorosBot

      It's the home of the dumbest and most annoying high-profile liberals around, so of course it's the source the "liberal" media likes to use to represent all liberals and make us all look stupid.

    2. ttommyunger

      True enough. I mean, how smart can she be? She married a goober-smoocher and was blissfully unawares for years.

    3. Redhead

      Yeah… I don't get it either. I've only met one blogger claiming the title of "Huffington Post reporter" but that person showed up to an Obama speech during the '08 campaign and was telling the other press at the press check-in line that the secret service hated Obama and were just gonna turn their heads and ignore him (and their job) and let him get assassinated by the first person who tried… in front of the secret service agents.

  11. LetUsBray

    Yeah, I get sick of Vichy Democrats too. But they're pretty much all like that, especially collectively, and have been as long as I can remember (since the late '70s). That's the problem; our only two choices are a party that acts like Neville Chamberlain and one that acts like… well, you know.

      1. Pithaughn

        Yes, but someone who has a ploton torpedo in the anti-matter generator is much more willing to negotiate about the shot to the bridge.

      2. DebC2

        Yeah but The Shat is the Priceline negotiator now…..he's a full on corporate
        whore who can do it all! Take that, sissy Picard.

  12. harry_palmer

    If the Democratic Party was graced any with gutsy, princpled and charismatic stars to begin with, Obama probably never would have looked so much like the one everybody now wishes would rise up to challenge him. If that make any sense.

    We need 2006 Obama to challenge 2010 Obama.

  13. Oldskool_

    As bad as his messaging has been, I have a feeling he's still got some stealth jujitzu he's going to unleash, like the kind he used on the Clinton machine.

      1. Moonbat

        That, and the "stealth jujitsu" he used on the Clinton machine consisted of whatever freaky mind-control powers he used to make her hire Mark Penn. I don't think the Republican Party is going to hire Mark Penn to manage their legislative strategy. On the other hand, they hired Michael Steele to run the party, so I guess anything is possible.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        After pissing all over Dean's winning 2006 strategy, Rahm backed Clinton, and then ran away like a little girl because Obama entered the primaries. Per the condom-safe Wiki, "asked in January 2007 about his stance on the Democratic presidential nomination, he said: 'I'm hiding under the desk. I'm very far under the desk, and I'm bringing my paper and my phone.'" He brought this same bold leadership to his time in the White House.

  14. BerkeleyBear

    You just know Ralph Nader is reading this doing a Buffalo Bill (Silence of the Lambs) impersonation right now, with his nipples clamped and muttering "Would you endorse me? I'd endorse me – hard!"

    Seriously, who's out there with any clout that hates Obama enough to cause a fissure in the Dem party? I don't really see it, seeing as how most of the people who might have been in position to do so took jobs in the Obama administration (Clinton, Sebelius, Napolitano, etc.). There are no strong Dem governors or other serious pols who can break from his policies in a meaningful way as an outsider, seeing as how they all cheerleaded and/or voted for just about all his agenda items.

    Maybe some left wing Ross Perot equivalent will emerge and make some noise, but I doubt it – especially since the GOP seems hell bent on nominating someone so scary that most Americans would welcome the ghost of Lenin as an alternative.

    1. mereoblivion

      Speaking of Lenin's ghost, he is one of the three all-time greats I hereby nominate for our first-ever Troika–'cause three heads are bound to be better than one. The second: Trotsky, of course. For the third, Ted Williams and Alfredo Garcia would have a runoff.

    2. HistoriCat

      I think we have a bunch of people blowing off steam/talking out of their asses. Most liberals who are pissed know they don't have a better alternative but they have little recourse. No matter how disappointed they are, most of them will vote for Barry in 2012, they just won't be enthusiastic about it.

      1. Beowoof

        Without enthusiasm the folks who worked for Obama in 08 won't be out there in 12 and that will be his undoing. And President Palin, Huckabee or Gingrinch will be running the show.

  15. Come here a minute

    Obama can't run again because of how outraged the American people are with the daily Vietnam death tolls.

    1. PsycWench

      Please for the love of God do not put those two last words together, even though I think you're right about the full sentence.

      1. Terry

        Don't worry. If elected, she'll try to enact revenge against people who didn't support her. When she finds out that it's against the law to do that, she'll quit. In the meantime, though, you do have to put up with her putting her high school classmates in charge of major agencies and all.

          1. GOPCrusher

            She would make a better Sec Of State. She could call Vladimir Putin a "fat faggot". Hilarity ensues.

  16. mavenmaven

    At least Lerner has been consistent all these years and didn't spend all his energy trying to earn Republican "love".
    It is starting to seem like some weird oedipal thing with Obama, this trying to win over the Republicans.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    I have a lot of secret connections in top Democratic circles and the buzz is this: 2012 will be the year of Franken.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I'm pretty sure he's already out there trying to hit on the ladies with his stump. It's never too soon for that.

    1. gvvt

      We tried that strategy with W, and they just ignore the evidence or claim they didn't like him either or it was all the lefties' fault.

    2. doxastic

      I like the turn of phrase at the end:

      "The 32-year-old went on to say that there is no legal documentation of Obama."

      No legal documentation of Obama at all. He's just a figment of our imaginations! Way to edit that copy HuffPo!

      1. finallyhappy

        Why does anyone listen to anything any sports player says -Dumb as dirt and hyped on steroids

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Morgan Freeman played POTUS in a movie once, and did a pretty damn good job what with the killer asteroid and all. The right-wing would hate him too, because he's known to wear an earring. Y'all think I'm joking, don't you.

    1. PublicLuxury

      What about Martin Sheen/Estevez? Its not like he's doing the acting thingy anymore. He might as well take a shot at the realk West Wing.

        1. PublicLuxury

          Oh hell Yes! Charlie would make an excellent embarrassment to the office. He's got some domestic violence (supposedly) goin' on. He has some substance abuse issues. He's a smart ass. He's good looking. Definitely better than Palin with the entertainment factor.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      Well, that and the whole being black thing. You know the RW ain't too fond of the coloreds (see Steele, Michael).

  19. Come here a minute

    BREAKING … Rahm Emanuel to be declared ineligible for the Chicago mayoral election, will challenge Obama in 2012 primary. "Rahm, why the fuck not!!"

  20. SnarkoMarx

    How about running a goddamn ventriloquist's dummy with Wall Street's and Corporate America's collective arm up its ass making its mouth move? That's what we've had, that's what we've got currently and that's what we will have in the White House for the foreseeable future.

  21. OzoneTom

    Will Howard Dean take another shot at it?

    He's been right on every issue that President Obama has been wrong on.

    And by "right" I mean to the left of the President.

  22. ttommyunger

    Sure, Dems. That worked out really well when Teddy carried the Republican's water for two years trying to unseat Carter… Worked, too! Of course the unseating took place in the General, not the Primary. Fucking morons.

  23. natoslug

    Obvious choice is obvious: Elizabeth Edwards in '12. She's a woman, so the PUMAs would HAVE to get behind her, she's been wronged by John Edwards, so she'd get all the Edwards haters behind her, and the whole dead thing should be worth some sympathy votes. And with the corpse of Reagan as her VP pick, she'd have the full support of the Republican party. Okay, who's with me on this one?

    1. problemwithcaring

      A little early, yes, but about as cognizant as the rest of the internet pundit speculation. Thumbs up from me.

  24. bloodandirony

    So 53 Senators vote to extend the tax cuts for the middle class. But they don't get passed because those same Senators choose to opperate under rules where it take 60 votes to pass legislation. And the left wants to go after the President?

  25. Steverino247

    Obama can't run in 2012 because he was already sworn in as President twice!!!

    This is good news for some cunt that John McCain picked for his VP nominee.

  26. BarackMyWorld

    I'll say what I said yesterday:
    At least he didn't sign a free-trade agreement with Mexico, gut welfare, and deregulate the telecommunications and financial industries so there'd be huge busts in both years down the road.

    And I'm going to add that even after doing those things, Clinton was still x10 better than any Republican president for the last half-century.

    As far as the political sense of doing this tax-cut extension, like the health care bill, the polling is hardly consistent on this: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statement….

  27. Barbara_i

    Speaking of Ms. Huffinton…..I just perused Huffington Post and saw an article on how to make fresh mozzarella cheese. I posted a comment about how I enjoy mozzarella sticks, wrapped in won ton wrappers, because I can't make the breading stick to the cheese and I'll be damned if this message popped up:
    "This comment is pending approval and won't be displayed until it is approved."
    Are you fucking serious? You Zha Zha Gabor sounding, dipshit, censoring, kissing Bill Maher's ass, dumb fuck bitch.

    She's just days away from signing up to be the new spokeswoman for the Dollar Discount stores brand of douche and she is filtering comments in the food section of her megalomaniac blog? And the horse she rode in on! (carrying a green card, no doubt)

    I've learned so much from you guys, such as what an "Alaskcunt" is and why Barry and "Chelle" hate us all. That's it, I am going to stay away from Arianna's house and her handing out "Smarties" when I ring her doorbell, wearing my best SpongeBarb Squarepants costume, hoping for Tobelrone.

    "Ciao", "Au Revoir" or whatever language they say "fuck you" on the planet that you inhabit, Ms Huffington.

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