U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’

  lol

Needs moar Depends.The United States, which is currently engaged in a complete war against some weird guy with a website, is going to host “World Press Freedom Day,” the Department of State announced today. They’re all especially excited about protecting the flow of digital news, which is why Washington is “concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information.” LOL. This is the same Department of State (and Justice Department and Pentagon and CIA and NATO and PayPal) trying everything to cut off WikiLeaks’ access to the Internet and its own money. Washington is also, at this moment, planning to extradite Julian Assange if it can figure out what the Swedes want. Where is Sweden, anyway?

From the official announcement:

The theme for next year’s commemoration will be 21st Century Media: New Frontiers, New Barriers. The United States places technology and innovation at the forefront of its diplomatic and development efforts. New media has empowered citizens around the world to report on their circumstances, express opinions on world events, and exchange information in environments sometimes hostile to such exercises of individuals’ right to freedom of expression. At the same time, we are concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information. We mark events such as World Press Freedom Day in the context of our enduring commitment to support and expand press freedom and the free flow of information in this digital age.

[U.S. Department of State]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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115 comments

  1. CablinasianDem

    They're missing a huge opportunity for a corporate tie-in by resisting the urge to change it to WordPress Freedom Day.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    LOL indeed. And pure BS. I ain't buyin' it.

    I think if Sarah Palin stands on her roof and squints, she can see Sweden.

          1. Negropolis

            They could always ask the Israeli's. I hear they are expert wall builders. I also hear they are good at bulldozing poor people's homes, and they'd fit right in with that tactic in my very, very urban city filled with very, very urban people.

  3. the_onceler

    Remember, folks: we define what is press freedom and what is not. And press freedom means the freedom of *corporations* to speak freely. Just as we define corruption to mean what happens in other countries and not corporations giving unlimited money to political campaigns.

    1. dogscantlookup

      Randall Flagg's Trashcan Man couldn't of said it better "bumpty, bumpty, bump!"… "my life for you!"

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      Freedom, yes indeed:-
      "Freedom from the reds and the blacks and the criminals
      Prostitutes, pansies and punks
      Football hooligans, juvenile delinquents
      Lesbians and left wing scum
      Freedom from the niggers and the Pakis and the unions
      Freedom from the Gipsies and the Jews
      Freedom from leftwing layabouts and liberals
      Freedom from the likes of you…"

      Tom Robinson Band

  4. Lucidamente1

    You know, the government could use a special group of people whose job it would be to stop press leaks. They could call it, I don't know, "the White House plumbers." What could possible go wrong with that?

  5. GravyBoyJohnson

    they support the FLOW of information, not some trickling leak. BIG difference. no hypocrisy to see here. please disperse.

  6. BarackMyWorld

    Is that Christine O'Donnell in that screen capture? Or am I just going through wingnut withdrawal from not seeing her on tv every day and imagining that I'm seeing the bitch everywhere?

  7. user-of-owls

    Where is Sweden, anyway?

    It's the broken condom poking up out of Scandinavia. Sort of like Florida, but erect instead of limp.

      1. Negropolis

        Si, and it curves a little to the left. I hope that becomes the national motto of Sweden: "And it curves a little to the left." How do you say that in Swedish?

      2. user-of-owls

        Wow, you are absolutely correct.

        Visit Sweden: Land of the Spent Dick.*

        *Which also curves a little to the left.

  8. ChuckieJesus

    Best part: They've started censoring comments on their official Facebook page!

    It's like raaaaaain on yer weddin' day…

  9. SayItWithWookies

    So Rio gets years to clean up the biggest slum in the world, but we only get until May first to get freedom of the press? Well there's no motivation like a tight deadline — I suggest we kickstart the whole thing with a complete disclosure of the chain of authorization for torture, from the White House to Guantanamo to that secret prison in Poland to Bagram to Abu Ghraib to wherever the hell else we have. I mean, we've pretty much figured out how it goes — but until we see the whole chain of docs, some people can always blow it off. So come on — open the damn file cabinet.
    You really want to put Julian Assange out of business? You can send him to jail, and that's just beating down the first person in a very long line. A world without secrets would eliminate the need for the whole line.

  10. angryclownspawn

    I heard they were going to ask Juilan Assange to host the event but the CIA says his sudden travel plans to an undisclosed eastern European location will prevent that.

  11. resoundingmaybe

    So there are times when events will *kinda* remind me of 1984, but this shit is practically plagiarism.

    1. arihaya

      George Orwell was wrong … he think it will be Socialist dictatorship. Turned out it is Corporatocracy

      good side is.. we gonna more in common with China

  12. Numbat_Dundee

    I refuse to eat Swedish meatballs until they arrest all Dicks that don't have condoms on – starting with Dick Cheney.

  13. slappypaddy

    the press can be perfectly free as long as they have the proper credentials. as for one certain pfc, he probably won't ever be free–didn't have his paperwork in order before he sprung a million leaks.

  14. bitchincamaro2

    The other 364 days of the year are reserved for witch hunts and random searches and seizures of laptops at domestic airports.

  15. MilwaukeeKent

    Irony isn 't dead, it's just this zombie wandering about aimlessly, stumbling into the strangest places…

    1. slappypaddy

      i wish. someone actually overseeing the raw dry clusterfuck our government's become could be held to account.

  16. mumbly_joe

    The main funny:

    Highlighting the many events surrounding the celebration will be the awarding of the UNESCO Guillermo Cano World Press Freedom Prize at the National Press Club on May 3rd. This prize, determined by an independent jury of international journalists, honors a person, organization or institution that has notably contributed to the defense and/or promotion of press freedom, especially where risks have been undertaken.

    Any guesses as to who the frontrunners for this sort of thing might be?

    You have to admit, it'd be kinda hilarious if the US Department of State were forced to grudgingly honor Wikileaks for their defense and/or promotion of press freedom, a mere week after having Julian Assange extradited to a black site until we can come up with some charge against him that'll stick.

      1. PocketsTheClown

        I'll add my TU to that. I won the bet with a friend that the guy would surrender. What he (Assange) was counting on wasthat those that hosted him would protect him from the uncertainties of international law regarding states. Mr. Assange will, unfortunately, be thrown to the wind, which is apparently full of wolves. Watch for appearance failure – this guy isn't stupid.

        We should all be NEEDZ MOAR TUMZ if the policy line keeps up.

  17. V572625694

    Freedom of the press belongs only to those fit to appear on the WaPo, NYT or WSJ op-ed pages. The reason they're all wrought up about Wikileaks is that they fear the public might find out that Cohen, Broder & company don't add any value to the little teeny leaks they garner by sucking the dicks of the powerful. If Assange is just going to give it away, just put that shit out there, why, "the press" won't mean anything at all!

    1. Jason_inthe_Peg

      They're just pissed because no one slips them brown envelopes filled with government doc's anymore.

      The professional jealousy and sour grapes of the has-been.

  18. EdFlintstone

    I look foward to next month when the treasury department hosts the World Responsibility in Business Day at AIG and Goldman Sachs headquarters.

  19. dogscantlookup

    Ah yes the Swedes my peeps "neutral", I wonder why my ancestors fled from that country to come to the U.S.A U.S.A. U.S.A. To escape constant wars with the world as they knew it in the mid 1800s. Oops… no my cuntree U.S.A. wood never act like Sweden did to Norway, Denmark, Finland, Poland, Russ Russia, Germany, etc…
    Did my Great Grandparents cum hear for peace or for a piece?
    PS My Great Grand Mother was raped, well maybe not "rape raped" on the boat to get to America, you had to pay somehow.
    I'm drunk, what was I saying..? Oh yes "world press freedom day" we are all doomed(not the rich) that is all.

    1. dogscantlookup

      Give me back my broken night
      my mirrored room, my secret life
      it's lonely here,
      there's no one left to torture
      Give me absolute control
      over every living soul
      And lie beside me, baby,
      that's an order!
      Give me crack and anal sex
      Take the only tree that's left
      and stuff it up the hole
      in your culture
      Give me back the Berlin wall
      give me Stalin and St Paul
      I've seen the future, brother:
      it is murder.

      Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
      Won't be nothing
      Nothing you can measure anymore
      The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
      has crossed the threshold
      and it has overturned
      the order of the soul
      When they said REPENT REPENT
      I wonder what they meant
      When they said REPENT REPENT
      I wonder what they meant
      When they said REPENT REPENT
      I wonder what they meant

      You don't know me from the wind
      you never will, you never did
      I'm the little jew
      who wrote the Bible
      I've seen the nations rise and fall
      I've heard their stories, heard them all
      but love's the only engine of survival
      Your servant here, he has been told
      to say it clear, to say it cold:
      It's over, it ain't going
      any further
      And now the wheels of heaven stop
      you feel the devil's riding crop
      Get ready for the future:
      it is murder

      Things are going to slide …

      There'll be the breaking of the ancient
      western code
      Your private life will suddenly explode
      There'll be phantoms
      There'll be fires on the road
      and the white man dancing
      You'll see a woman
      hanging upside down
      her features covered by her fallen gown
      and all the lousy little poets
      coming round
      tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson
      and the white man dancin'

      Give me back the Berlin wall
      Give me Stalin and St Paul
      Give me Christ
      or give me Hiroshima
      Destroy another fetus now
      We don't like children anyhow
      I've seen the future, baby:
      it is murder

      Things are going to slide …

      When they said REPENT REPENT …
      fun for all

  20. doxastic

    Note, that the federal government didn't get angry enough to prevent the diplomatic cables from being leaked, but they have gotten live prior to the Bank of America dump.

    Submitted without comment.

    1. PocketsTheClown

      Good call. I don't think this is over, just because Assange is going down. People that are willing to give up TS docs aren't going to stop just because you can't afford a banner ad. It's an idea, not a freaky-lookin skinny dude, that is driving this thing.

  21. HurricaneAli

    World Press Freedom Day. Haha, that's so funny because I was thinking of the same thing! Like, "wouldn't it be great if we could start some grassroots movement that would make "sensitive" information free and available to everyone so we could all laugh at the same stupid, inside jokes that only ambassadors and foreign service spies get to laugh at." But I would have called it "Oligarchy Neutralization Day."

  22. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    New media has empowered citizens around the world.

    State Department, this is unacceptable.

    "Media" is the plural. "Medium" is singular. Like data/datum.

    The diplomatic corps should set a higher standard than, say, Meghan McCain. A free press is important, but so is agreement of subjects and predicates.

    1. V572625694

      Between you and I, this is one my "pet peeves" too, along with gratuitous quotation marks. But remember that the Foreign Service Officers, who passed rigorous written and oral exams, all apparently took Creative Writing 101 at Georgetown to learn how to put all those literary flourishes in their emails, whereas State's press flack only went to J-School — uh, pardon me, I meant to say "Mass Communications" — where English Composition is apparently an elective.

  23. weejee

    It's a cheap shot with eighty bazillion of us dismal olde boomers doddering off into our dotage that the lede mouseover is needs moar Depends. Ken you young punk, let's see if you're still skiing the black diamond runs when you're pulling 60.

  24. lulzmonger

    Remember: April 1st marks the first official Global Peace & Prosperity Day!
    Mark it on your calendar, citizen!

    Also, mandatory urine-testing & 9 PM curfews take effect as of January 1st.

    1. slappypaddy

      you can opt out of the piss-testing and covering your fire if you make a suitable donation to an accredited political charity, such as rink, or its shadow dink.

  25. slappypaddy

    back from the shadows again
    out where your enemy's your friend
    where things ain't what they seem
    and you can pee right into the stream
    back from the shadows again

  26. Bluestatelibel

    The U.S. is at war with "some guy and his web site"? Jack and you commentators were actually pretty mean to Obama last night with that post…get ready for the predator drones.

  27. gurukalehuru

    I'm sure that terrible, horrible crimes have been committed, but we need to look to the future, not to the past and go forward, not back. This is no time for national divisiveness. Prosecuting anyone for these crimes at this late date would serve no useful social purpose.

  28. Come here a minute

    If they can't stop him with prosecution or negotiation, they will have to settle for vague taunting.

    Next up, Condom Awareness Day.

  29. macksemil

    All who commented negatively on the Free Press Day: your IPs have been logged, please stay in your homes. A team of government specialists will be there soon.

  30. stronginva

    http://tinyurl.com/2dffych In the world of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" — Wikileaks has just dropped a new cable showing how State played footsie with Russia on some legislation so Visa and Mastercard would get a favorable outcome.

  31. OzoneTom

    Does this mean that it is my patriotic duty to not do any of this year's xmas shopping at amazon.com or to use PayPal or MasterCard?

  32. theeclecticphysician

    I hope the leading headline of the conference is breaking a story about this very irony.

    Sadly, I don't hold out much hope for that.

    On the other hand, maybe Anonymous will hack the whole thing for lulz.

    Either way, it's going to be an interesting season for freedom of the press.

  33. Jason_inthe_Peg

    Perhaps it's a dateline style sting operation. You know they offer Assange an award and when he comes to pick it up:

    the trap, it closes!

Comments are closed.