new stereotypes

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: Gays Are At Fault For WikiLeaks, Not Julian Assange

Constantly thinking about gay sex, this guy.The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer knows why the current WikiLeaks headache is happening to the government: The Gays. “Julian Assange is not the bad guy here – the homosexual soldier is” is the title of this latest column, one that will earn Fischer a Pulitzer or at least a MacArthur genius grant. You see, accused Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning “was, at a minimum, seriously confused about his sexuality” and leaked the cables to WikiLeaks in what Fischer’s sources (a cassette tape of one of the Left Behind novels he plays on a constant loop) call a “fit of gay pique.” Will the treasonous gays stop at nothing to make sure al-Qaeda kills us all?

Regardless, he is a one-man argument for keeping open homosexuals from serving in the military in the first place. If the 1993 law – which flatly prohibits homosexuals from a place in the armed services – had been followed, there would be no PFC Bradley Manning and no WikiLeaks.

You let gays in, and this is what they do. They spread gossip about Vladimir Putin and our nebbish to the north, Canada. THAT IS ARMY GOSSIP. NOT GAY GOSSIP.

Gen. Washington said of Benedict Arnold’s betrayal that it was “treason of the blackest dye.” Well, Bradley Manning is running a close second, and should meet his end at the end of a rope or its functional equivalent.

It’s no wonder that the Old Media rarely if ever even references Manning any more. And I believe it is for one simple reason: Manning singlehandedly torpedoes their argument that homosexuals can be allowed to serve in our military without consequence.

In Bryan Fischer’s mind, gay men’s torpedoes, grasped by only one of their hands, are shooting government secrets all over the media. This is the consequence of allowing gays in the military. It is time to kill every single homosexual serving in the military because they are all traitors, obviously. [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. V572625694

        "Old Media, with the tang of newsprint, the authority of an op-ed, and the substance of a puff of smoke. Ask your druggist for a bottle today."

  1. elviouslyqueer

    Well, Bradley Manning is running a close second, and should meet his end at the end of a rope or its functional equivalent.

    Jeepers, Fischer. Autoerotic asphyxiation fixation much?

  2. Crank_Tango

    And duh, it is all the fault of the gays.

    Someone should do something about all these FAMILIES creating gays.

  3. slappypaddy

    gays have never been allowed to serve in the military without consequence. they can be killed just as dead as straights.

  4. BerkeleyBear

    What is "gay pique", exactly?

    And using Fischer's standards, Lindsey Graham and Mark Kirk should not be allowed within a country mile of the military which (to listen to them) would have meant no Iraq War.

    1. twogoats

      Jeez, you guys! Commonsense conservative values include useful stereotypes. Gay pique is a subset of hissy fit. See his readers don't have to ask these questions, because they have common (very common) sense traditional values.

      You can organize a lynch mob, er, posse, much faster with these useful short references like "f#gg*t", "n^gg*er", "femi-nazi", "Wonkette commenter", "commie" "librul" and other redundancies.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I prefer the more french, and thus gayer "Wonkettier" for the fellers and "Wonkettière" for the ladies, for all the sexy ladies.

  5. LionelHutzEsq

    But Benedict Arnold, America's First Muslim, was straight. So we are only left with lesbians in the military?

  6. SmutBoffin

    Is there anything you can't blame on the gays? I mean, if they would stop being so damn sexy for just 30 minutes maybe Fischer could get a decent column written! Instead, he has to click back and forth between MS Word and constantly.


      If global warming were true, then it'd be gays' fault. Specially during the summer, when they reach the P-Town Pique.

  7. DeeJayKitteh

    So let me get this straight. Manning was gay. Manning leaked confidential information to Wikileaks. Therefore, gays shouldn't be in the military. So that means this would also work: Manning was a man. Manning leaked confidential infomation to Wikileaks. Therefore, men shouldn't be in the military. Or this: Bryan Fischer is a self-hating, bigoted fuckwit. Bryan Fischer is in the American Family Association. Therefore, everyone in the American Family Association is a self-hating, bigoted fuckwit.

    Oh wait, that last one is actually right.

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    Plus, doesn't Mr. Fischer realize that if the private had been allowed to find an outlet for his urges, he might not have released all those state secrets, or written an article for the AFA.

  9. SorosBot

    Well of course Manning's homosexuality was the reason he leaked the info, just like Ian McKellan's homosexuality is why Magneto formed the Brotherhood of Mutants to terrorize America.

      1. SorosBot

        Dumbledore had been in love with that earlier evil wizard dude whose name I don't remember, so clearly Voldemort's rise was all his fault!

  10. PsycWench

    Clearly Fischer has no problem with pique itself. He's all about pique.

    Bryan, the references to ropes and torpedoes suggests something. Would you like to guess what?

      1. slappypaddy

        his mmpi might be interesting, too.

        say, he's kind of suspicious, don'cha think? we're supposed to report the suspicious people to homelandt sekurity, nicht war?

    1. slappypaddy

      it shouldn't be too difficult to find a grenade for him to fall on. you'd think he'd be honored to die for his country.

      1. HistoriCat

        To get that Medal of Honor he needs to kill for his country. Most likely other closeted, self-loathing gays.

    2. Negropolis

      Hey, now. Give him a bit more time. Be assured, Obama's working on it, along with the official pardoning of Scooter Libby, of course.

  11. north_of_moscow

    I think we've all missed a very important point here, and that is that Bradley Manning is a gay caballero.

    1. marinmaven

      I always took special pleasure in introducing my spawn to Tinky Winky, the old queer in the pantheon of religious right's gaydar crosshairs. You gotta love it when they out a fictional children's character.

      Why is it that the religious right think about homosexuality more than even homosexuals do?

  12. GuanoFaucet

    Your move, wacist pundit kid.

    Also, and too. Fischer apparently wrote this while experiencing one of his frequent fits of retard pique.

  13. johnnyzhivago

    Possible historical fact – you heard it here, not Fox News:

    The guy who forgot to tell anyone about the Japanese flying to Pearl Harbor??

    Probably gay too!!

  14. V572625694

    Ex-PFC Manning wrote "Lada Gaga" on the disk where he copied all the Holy Secrets. Is there some way she can share the blame?

    You have to admit, though, that her prosciutto dress at whatever award show was kinda awesome.

    And can we pleez see an advanced copy of the test Mr Fischer would administer to recruits to weed out those who "seriously confused" about their sexuality? I'm thinking something along these lines:

    1. Do you like Lady Gaga?
    2. Do the opening synthesizer notes of "Poker Face" make you want to run for freedom or torture a muslin?
    3. You likey teh buttßechs? Maybe w/Bryan Fischer? Maybe now?

    1. SorosBot

      Lady Gaga has lots of gay fans who she doesn't tell that they are hellbound and should pray themselves straight, so of course she's partially to blame! The same goes for Madonna, Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Cher, and the ghost of Judy Garland.

  15. horsedreamer_1

    Just as TAX CUTS are the answer to any problem domestic, ALL THOSE GAYS will be the reason for any deficiency military/diplomatic.

  16. BornInATrailer

    Without a single shred of actual evidence to back this, I would postulate that 99.999% of Al-Qaeda are straight men.

    Just saying.

    1. BornInATrailer

      (And the exception is the guy that runs the secretary pool and everyone just looks the other way. Besides, the girls love him and he is the one that always remembers to collect cash and get a cake whenever there is a birthday. Plus he makes the best coffee.)

    2. genxr

      Not if Charlie Wilson's War is to believed. The movie was PG, but the book was all about the jihad buggery.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          My understanding is the Mohamedean strictures against a 'man lying with a man as a woman' were not given the same first-tier emphasis as the 'must kill all the infidels' part of the creed.

          What I'm suggesting here is many Al Quaeda line soldiers are just as hypocritical as their USA fundie Xtian counterparts. It's mostly about wanting to kill.

          1. LionHeartSoyDog

            The Book specifically forbids killing, except in self-defense.
            Mercy is strongly emphasized. Also.

            (be safe on that motor-cy!)

        1. genxr

          As Oliver North discovered when he tried to collect Russian "defectors" for his propaganda campaign, his defectors only defected because they were on the run for murder, and had been thoroughly buggered by the time the "freedom fighters" handed them over. Still, Ollie was able to parade them around at a few publicity events before these freedom-loving chaps turned to armed robbery and the program had to be shut down. An amusing story.

      1. V572625694

        Not to mention The Kite Runner, over there in Afriganistan. But I think their idea of buttßechs is kinda like that of convicts: more about domination than love.

        So, Julia Roberts wouldn't do the buggery scene? Honestly, how can she claim to have any integrity as an actress?

    3. Radiotherapy

      99% of AFA men would "claim" to be not "gay" either. Or is it they just like to carry each other's luggage?

  17. mumbly_joe

    Of course, even assuming all the facts in evidence as presented by Bryan Fischer (which itself is a stretch, obviously), isn't it still even more plausibly stronger evidence that the culture of secrecy and dishonesty enforced by DADT is the actual thing that creates the discipline problem and isolation that leads to acting out? I'm just saying, that would still make more sense than the notion that all gays are anarchist spies who need to be kept out of the military. Which I will admit is itself a novel permutation of the ordinary claims, like that gays are going to try to bugger straight troops in the showers, or will be too busy making out with each other to murder brown civilians.

  18. MinAgain

    "It’s no wonder that the Old Media rarely if ever even references Manning any more. "

    When I see Manning, I think football. And a gay Peyton Manning would so confound stereotypes and good ol' boys as to warp the space-time continuum. I dream fondly of the day…

    1. slappypaddy

      i looked, and all i could find was

      it's time to burn a queen,
      just the same as it's ever been.

    2. Barrelhse

      The only one I know of has to do with the Enola Gay dropping hundreds of thousands of copies of "Naked Lunch."

  19. ShiftyParadigm

    It's our own damned fault for not being more specific. Shoulda been "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Leak."

  20. harry_palmer

    If Jesus created the world, and there are gays in the world, QED Jesus created the gays. Explains why he was a "lifelong bachelor," hung out only with dudes, some of them with butch nicknames like the "Rock," was still attending weddings with his mother as his date into his 30s, went on a 40 day "camping trip" with a guy who had been repeatedly tempting him, etc etc.,

  21. PublicLuxury

    Gay men shooting their secrets. Jeebus. That really painted a picture of a lot of military spunk. The husb is going to get lucky

  22. thefrontpage

    The National Political Hypocrisy Center is now taking bets from all bettors on when Bryan Fischer is caught, naked, in a highly questionable and embarrassing situation with another naked man, engaging in the types of blatantly homosexucal activities that Fischer himself is obviously quite confused about.

  23. edgydrifter

    You kick a dog and it turns around and bites you, so you yell at the neighbors "see? See how dogs behave? THIS is why we have to kick them!"

  24. PublicLuxury

    Does this mean that we are now at war with teh gays? The Muslin gay menace MUST be subdued or is it sub-dude

        1. mumbly_joe

          I think the urban legand is that you need to have your bottom two ribs removed, or else do a lot of yoga, according to Metalocalypse.

  25. Tommmcatt

    You can actually link historical events to specific acts of homosexual intercourse. For example, Mount Saint Helen was caused by the first blowjob I ever gave. The dot-com crash was a direct result of a threesome I had with two Asian boys I picked up at the End-up in San Francisco. And the entire Bush presidency happened because I got drunk and let my boyfriend give me the tush-push in 1997. I've been a strict top ever since.

    The wikileaks thing, though…I think this one is on Ricky Martin, actually. I'll have to check the sign-up sheet at the union headquarters to be certain.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Better yet: three hotel dumpsters.

        Sorry, but I'm somewhat unashamed of my hatred for haters, of late.

  26. Barbara_i

    I'm tired of the gays being blamed for everything. What, are fat chicks supposed to dance alone? I think not!

  27. the_onceler

    So, Visa and Mastercard won't allow us to donate to wikileaks, but they're probably OK with processing donations to a hate group like the AFA.

  28. Rotundo_

    Let's see, According to Brayan (spelling intentional) It's okay with God for a volunteer fire department to watch a house burn down because the occupants didn't pay their "dues". According to Brayan we should kill all the grizzly bears around Yellowstone because they're dangerous. And now Manning sent all this material to the Wikileakers because he was gay. And this is why we shouldn't have GLBT folks in the military. At least he is a consistent idiot, no savant surprises to be had here, no sudden outbursts of sanity, no intelligent discourse or playing piano with no training. Brayan is a christian Bill Kristol: You know both are dumbasses, consistently wrong, and yet somehow get a voice in the discussion.

  29. drone42

    Someone should tell Bryan that the narc who turned Manning in was also gay. His brain might explode!

  30. jus_wonderin

    How exactly did you get such clear quotes? It is obvious that Bryan Fischer has his d**k in his own mouth most of the week.

  31. weejee

    Will Bryan Fischer be serving a platter of festively presented Log Cabin wings at the next AFA potluck?

    This guy is a 5 alarm douche using a classic soda-acid fire extinguisher.

  32. lochnessmonster

    Has this guy gone through the TSA grope-a-thon at the airports yet? That will really set him off.

  33. DoktorZoom

    If gays were banned from the military, there'd be no Wikileaks. If Muslins were banned from the military, there'd be no Fort Hood shootings. If Jews were banned from the military, there'd be no Julius Rosenberg or Jonathan Pollard espionage cases. If Christians were banned from the military, there'd be no My Lai massacre or Oklahoma City bombing…

  34. hagajim

    I don't know about you guys – but in that photo Bryan Fischer looks a bit like his ass has the wikileaks….hmmmmm. I'll bet he's been toe tapping with our favorite Idaho (ex) Senator – but still full time gayboy.

  35. WarAndGee

    Do super-religious folks think about homosexuality more than even homosexuals do?

  36. SilverFox

    Wait, the PFC Bradley Manning guy is gay? Perhaps I'm behind the times, but I don't remember that being the issue. OR are we just jumping to conclusions because that guy used a Lady Gaga CD to sneak out all of these files?

  37. GeorgiaBurning

    If these Wikileaks disclosures are proof that a single gay PFC can make so much happen, I propose a gay battalion be formed to resolve the situation in Afghanistan. Job should be done by New Years.

  38. BaldarTFlagass

    Someone might have already pointed this out (I'm on superslow home pc and it would take two hours to read all that has gone before), but maybe Bradley is the secret 4th Manning brother, the one that was shunned and spurned by Archie, and spent his childhood being used as a tackling dummy and passing target by his more-football-gifted brothers Peyton, Eli, and Cooper. THAT would give ya some gay pique, fer sure.

  39. Gleem_McShineys

    Bryan Fischer is in his study, typing at his laptop by the light of a single lamp. He types a few words, then types "gay pique" and hesitates.

    "Gay peek, heh, don't mind if I do!" he says to himself, smiling a little. "But just a short one, I have deadlines." He switches to a web browser, then catches himself.
    "THIS IS MADNESS! IT IS WRONG!" He takes a breath. "It is wrong to call it a peek, for I am just researching their depravity! I am making sure I know what evil I am fighting, here! Specifically, DEPRAVED MILITARY ANUS PENETRATING EVIL!" as he types that very sentence into his search bar.

    Then he beats off furiously to gay porn, then says a quiet prayer to God to help him destroy the evil, evil, horrible, sinful, tempting, lustful, firm gays, but has to stop praying this way, as he starts feeling another "gay pique" coming on.

  40. mumbly_joe

    Of course, every comment thus far has missed one painfully obvious point: PFC Manning was a soldier in the US American Army.

    Why does Bryan Fischer hate the troops so much????!

  41. Redhead

    Is this the AFA guy that was caught sleeping with another man or the one that was caught sleeping with a boy 45 years younger than him? I can't keep them straight anymore.

  42. Neilist

    You Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM have NO SENSE OF HISTORY!!

    This is just a recycling of the "U.S.S. Iowa Turret Explosion Disaster Defense." In that instance, it was "The Gun Blew Up Because A Homo Sailor Was In A Suicide Pact Because His Homo Squid Boyfriend Dumped Him," not because the Navy was overloading obsolete equipment with out-of-date propellant:

    Here, it's "Homo Reveals Secrets Because Boyfriend Won't Blow Him." Same thing, really.

    Rear Admiral Felching Spruance Neilist
    U.S.N. (ret.)
    United States Naval Academy Plebe Washroom
    Third Stall, Portside

  43. ttommyunger

    No question this fucktard is as queer as a Three Dollar Bill. This is about the third verbal bowel movement he's foisted on us, each one more outrageously ignorant than the last. I am also convinced he thinks there is a "Jaggoff of the Year" Award and he's making a Herculean effort at winning first place.

  44. Negropolis

    I'm surprised that no one is making a joke of the guy essentially saying that there weren't any gays in the military prior to 1993. lol

  45. xzargo

    The American Fucktard Association endorses torture and murder but sucking dick makes Jesus cry?

    Maybe we could send Gayass Bryan Fischer to Alaska where he can be hunted down by La Palin and his still beating heart squeezed tight in her little slut daughter's hand. Then Jesus will LAUGH!

  46. NorthStarSpanx

    We all know what this is about. Guys like Fischer are terrified teh gays would be attracted to him. Even more terrifying, that they wouldn't find him attractive, even in the post-Rapture world.

  47. CessnaDriver

    It's amazing that this guy pulled his rentboy's dick out of his mouth long enough to dictate this screed.

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