BLOOD-RED SUN  12:55 pm December 7, 2010

Newt Gingrich Deletes Twitter Thing About His Pearl Harbor Book

by Jack Stuef

'It's all about timing,' said the Japanese guy who decided to kill those Americans.
Today is the dirty-sounding anniversary of the day a bunch of American troops got bombed in the waters surrounding Obama’s Kenya. Newt Gingrich honored their sacrifice on Twitter by reminding America he wrote some books that are available for purchase so that America can help him finance a new extramarital affair or whatever. Obviously, “Everyone should go out and buy Newt’s book” was what Franklin Roosevelt originally said after the attack, but Gingrich has now taken down this tweet, because he hates the troops. TOO SOON.

But don’t worry about Newt and his finances. He’s got another book to sell and another important December day to exploit for sales, a book that will teach you the secret to fomenting bigotry and xenophobia to stay relevant and sell books.

Away in a manger, it's Newty's dumb book.

Oh, it was retweeted by the boss of jackets. Must be good.

INFAMY. [Twitter/screengrab via Mediaite]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Lucidamente1 December 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Hey, listen, somebody's got to keep the remainders bin stocked, and Newt is just the guy to do it.

lefty74 December 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm

When there is a turd in the holiday punchbowl, everyone sees it or hears about it.
I just don't know why this one keeps floating to the top.

V572625694 December 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Great Alaskunt avatar!

sanantonerose December 8, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Too much fat, not enough fiber.

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 1:03 pm

If Family Member "A" gave me something Newt-y for Christmas, my only hope would be that Family Member "B" had enough foresight to give me a handgun, so I could bust a cap or three in Family Member "A". Worse gift choice than socks, hand-knitted sweater, tie, and Hai Karate all rolled into one.

the_onceler December 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Even if I were a conservative, I can think of many other books I'd want before one of Newt's. Like, where can I get the latest book by Trig Palin?

petehammer December 7, 2010 at 1:15 pm

The order is important. You open up B's gift first and then think "why do I need a handgun?" Then you open up A's gift. Mystery solved. It makes it a fun game to reverse the order.

Pithaughn December 7, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Give a gift pack of "Charlie" to any female you do want see ever again in your life. works every time.

Badonkadonkette December 7, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Xmas? E tu, Newt?

Not_So_Much December 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Does this mean Newt is Muslin or a goldanged Ja-hooo?

elviouslyqueer December 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

ÜberTwitter? Sounds awfully Krauty to me. Why does Newty hate American Twitter on Pearl Harbor Day?

freakishlywrong December 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

I'm surprised Fux hasn't been this hypocritical in it's war on Xmas.

MinAgain December 7, 2010 at 1:08 pm

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

chickensmack December 7, 2010 at 1:09 pm

It's that liberal Twitter's fault for not giving me enough character space to type "Merry Christmas". You can't write a Contract with America in 140 characters.

user-of-owls December 7, 2010 at 1:47 pm

You can't write a Contract with America in 140 characters.

Actually, you only need 16 characters:

Fuck You Suckers

Serolf_Divad December 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

The 69th anniversary of Peral Harbor is just as good an excuse as any to remind people of the true meaning of "teabagging."

Not_So_Much December 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Newt has roughly the size and mobility of a scuttled battleship — I say he belly-flops in there for a reenactment.

hagajim December 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Does this X mas thing mean Newt wants more Xtina? Is that who made her preggers? Newt you dirty dog!

charlesdegoal December 7, 2010 at 1:12 pm

I prefer Pearl Necklace and Days of Wine and Roses. Also, I never like book titles starting with a digit and wonder by whose standards Newt's life an be called successful. Failure's no success at all.

V572625694 December 7, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Wow, twelve days of gifts from Newt. Why is Newt Enterprises, pardon me, "Gingrich Productions" launching this frontal assault in the War on Christmas?

Extemporanus December 7, 2010 at 1:25 pm

The Gingrinch Who Sold Xmas?

elviouslyqueer December 7, 2010 at 1:49 pm

With sincerest apologies to Dr. Seuss:

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot,
but the Gingrinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not.
The Gingrinch hated Christmas – the whole Christmas season.
Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
Or it could be that his conservatard head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his black, adulterous heart was two sizes too small.

Extemporanus December 7, 2010 at 2:10 pm
SayItWithWookies December 7, 2010 at 1:16 pm

I wonder how all the Jesus-loving paranoid dogmatics out there will feel about Newt's ignorance of the fact that the twelve days of Christmas actually begin on Christmas rather than end on it. Oh, I forgot — he's such a superior human being that his religion is only a facade for the edification of the lesser mortals, not something he actually has to know about or practice himself.

weejee December 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm

The fact today's posts include bits Elizabeth Edwards dying and Newtie using Pearl Harbor for book whoring to position himself for 2012 is indeed a day of infamy.

bagofmice December 7, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Today we are all cancer-stricken wives.

HempDogbane December 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm

All the other Gingrich Productions' presents are cookies.

petehammer December 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Most women say a night out with Newt is a "date" which will live in infamy.

I got more:

Newt's prior wives say the day he cheated on them was a date which will live in infidelity.

Newt is such a raging idiotic asshole that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife. Pearl Harbor.

Extemporanus December 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

From 5 Principals for a Successful Life, by Newt Gingrich:

"1. Do everything humanly possible to weasel out of serving in the armed forces so that you can avoid getting killed and are therefore able to one day become a prominent failed Republican politician who makes a healthy living lecturing others on what it means to serve in the armed forces."

aguacatero December 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I think that's principle Number 2. Principle Number 1 is, Buy this Moronic Book.

user-of-owls December 7, 2010 at 1:53 pm

You can't possibly believe that precedes the real Principle Number 1. The guiding mantra that has ever driven this fat weasel:

1) Fuck over the other guy (or gal) before they can fuck you over.

Extemporanus December 7, 2010 at 2:08 pm

When you're an egomaniacal asshole like Newt, you consider any given principle you happen to espouse to be inherently #1.

(Also, fuck you Principal Spelling!)

FNMA December 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm

"2. Dump your cancer-stricken wife for a young woman you've been fucking on the side and then lecture others on the sanctity of marriage and family values."

Hey, this is fun!

MistaEko December 7, 2010 at 1:40 pm

2. Don't weigh yourself down with people who have a family history of cancer.

V572625694 December 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm

5. Remorselessly attack Clinton for cheating on his wife, and explain it the woman you're cheating with that it's okay because you, Newt, are on a special God-ordained mission, whereas Clinton's just a horn dog. And gets better chicks on account of he's POTUS.

ManchuCandidate December 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Unsexiest 69 EVER!!

samsuncle December 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm

The Japanese bomber Pearl Harbor 69 years ago! Well, it's about time someone finally wrote a book about it.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 7, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Is #12 where Newt dies a slow painful death?
I'd like that for Xmas.

outragedcitizen December 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm

What would really be Karma is if the newt got cancer and his current wife told him she wanted a divorce so she could fuck the pool boy.

natoslug December 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Seems like the 86th anniversary would be more fitting for Newt to celebrate.

SudsMcKenzie December 7, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Which principle is banging an intern 23 years younger than you when your married, (and dissing Clintons bj), because I could get on board with that one.

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

But don’t worry about Newt and his finances.

Hey, you spelled fiancées wrong.

Radiotherapy December 7, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Rich folks fucks, what a great way to spend just a fraction of your hard earned tax cuts, on a book or two by Newt.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2010 at 5:07 pm

That would create some American jerbs!

MistaEko December 7, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Please to send me a copy of "Days of Infamy Newt", though I have no idea what the Congressional Shutdown has to do with 1941.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Pearl Harbor survivors do not divorce their hospitalized spouses!

aguacatero December 7, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Apropos, for the holidays consider buying my awesome and probably soon-to-be best-selling combo Nagasaki '45 tragedy-thriller/Newt Gingrich bio, entitled "The Ravages of Fat Man."

DashboardBuddha December 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Change the title to "The Ravages of Fat Man and Little Boy" and we can dominate the Nambla market.

aguacatero December 7, 2010 at 1:56 pm

As it happens, my next work in progress is "Fat M(e)n and Little Boy(s): Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, and the Toxic Legacy of Vile, Rapacious, Bloated, Pink Southern Republican House Leaders and Five Principles for Refudiating Them"

HistoriCat December 7, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I'm putting that on my 2011 Christmas wishlist.

LetUsBray December 7, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Isn't that the Limbaugh bio?

Oh, sorry, I thought you said "Fat Man and Little Boys," plural.

horsedreamer_1 December 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Really, no one said it yet?


BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I'm kind of surprised that he pulled the first tweet, I guess he thought it might seem a little mercenary to be trying to cash in on the Pearl Harbor attack. Though I don't know why, seeing as to how he's Republican and they're usually pretty brazen and without scorn in this kind of thing. Hell, they flogged the fucking 9/11 thing to death in their quest to get Bush re-elected, and that was around 36 months, never mind 69 years.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm

I don't think they want to draw parallels to the long held America First myth that FDR let Pearl Harbor happen to get the United States into the war, and 9/11.

metamarcisf December 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm

John Lennon (on Twitter):

"The thirtieth anniversary of my murder is a good time to remind everyone that many of my greatest songs are now available as downloads through ITunes just in time for the Christmas season."

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 1:58 pm

War is over (if you want it)

SecretMuslin December 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Stay klassy, you self-centered fucking pile of petrified hyena shit.

MozakiBlocks December 7, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Can Twitter return the favor and delete Newt Gingrich? I mean that thing has got to become self-aware any minute now.

Beowoof December 7, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I would think Gingrich Bullshit Books would be used mostly for the fire place to warm the house during this cold Rochester winter.

donner_froh December 7, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Newt is releasing his novel about the brave soldiers of the Imperial Japanese Army in China just in time for the anniversary of the Nanking Massacre.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Nanking had it coming. Did you see how it was dressed?

chascates December 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm

The 10th anniversary of 9/11 is a good time to remind folks to buy Sarah Palin's newest book If Someone Attacks Your Country Turn It Into A Family Franchise.

OneDollarJuana December 7, 2010 at 1:46 pm

5 principles for a successful life:

1) Always take time for yourself, especially at the expense of others.

2) It's ok to screw over dying relatives. Fuck 'em, they're gonna be dead soon.

3) Stay out of foxholes with women. They get diseases.

4) Rupert Murdoch's jism tastes great and it's less filling!

5) Better to get paid than worry that people perceive you as a hypocritical slimy worm. There are always women who will fuck a slimy worm for enough money.

Fare la Volpe December 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Every time I see Newticals, all I can imagine is some slavish manservant picking at his skin, saying, "You are so beautiful, My Speaker. Your skin, love to me. Your diseases lovingly cared for, for all eternity…"

Then Newt screaming something about "MY plan."

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Did the tweet have cancer?

Mindblank December 7, 2010 at 1:59 pm

We have nothing to fear but … well, Newt Gingrich. He's pretty damned scary. Oh, and fear, too.

aguacatero December 7, 2010 at 2:04 pm

He's scary in the sense that it's scary to reflect Newt is ostensibly in the same species as oneself, but he should not be electorally scary — he'd be even more doomed to fail as a presidential nominee than Palin. An aging Walter Mondale would beat him, Mike Gravel would give him a serious run.

GuyClinch December 7, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Although it's NSFEB (not safe for eyeballs), you guys have got to check out this picture

I saw Newt and this woman sitting in a big shiny BMW at a red light in McLean a couple weeks ago, figured he was prolly just cheating on his wife again, and this picture reveals that it was his wife after all. She glows in a radioactive kinda way, doesn't she?

Sparky_McGruff December 7, 2010 at 2:15 pm

She seems kinda old for him. I'd be on the lookout for the 17 year old he's hooking up with on the side.

Tundra Grifter December 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Is that Dr. Orly Taitz' big sister?

comrad_darkness December 7, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Oh, he's married one of those Japanese robots. You don't know how relieved I am to hear that.

crapshooter102 December 7, 2010 at 4:13 pm

God Almighty, she has that Meth look with False Teeth.

HistoriCat December 7, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Holy shit. OK, a member of the Wonketeriat with more pharmaceutical experience needs to identify what combination of drugs Mrs. Gingrich #3 is on.

mumbly_joe December 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Honestly, I've been on a good third of the ones that are legal with a prescription, and the psych degree to pretend to know what I'm talking about in that department sometimes, and fucked if I know.

cheaphits December 8, 2010 at 9:01 am

I know stoned and she is ripped to the tits…my guess is oxy 80's & coke & probably Valium.

GOPCrusher December 7, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

WarAndGee December 7, 2010 at 2:07 pm

The 69th anniversary of anything is a perfect time to remind everyone that nobody except the occasional porn star skillfully engages in that related act because almost every women finds it awkward and icky.

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm

You been hanging out in the wrong bars, amigo.

WarAndGee December 7, 2010 at 3:22 pm

I said skillful. (Plus it's probably just me they find awkward and icky)

HistoriCat December 7, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Depends (um, sorry for the word choice) – I've known women who couldn't get enough and women who wanted nothing to do with it, as well as some who were in between.

mumbly_joe December 7, 2010 at 4:44 pm

I'm not sure about icky, but the last time I tried it with a lady, it was definitely hella awkward. Although, mainly because I was a tad too skillful on my end, and she kept on getting distracted. True story!

(and Ladies: I'm still single; call me!)

Pragmatist2 December 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm

On Good Friday he plans to shill for Sophie's Choice.

LionelHutzEsq December 7, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Latest twat from Newt:

Just heard Liz Edwards dying of big C. Reminds me of the book I wrote when my wife had C and I dumped her for an intern. Available now at Amazon!!!

johnnyzhivago December 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Just like a billboard I saw in Nagasaki:

"The 64th anniversary of the Americans nuclear bombing our city is good time to remind everyone to try the new Atomic Hot Sauce at Sukimaru's Rib Joint"

comrad_darkness December 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I'm not giving you pee either way, because I can't decide if you made that up or not.

elpinche December 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Doesn't Newt remind you of a tall kitchen bag filled with pig shit?

comrad_darkness December 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

The pig shit might stink, but at least it has potential to accomplish something positive later.

elpinche December 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Isn't that Newton's second law of motion or something?

comrad_darkness December 7, 2010 at 2:45 pm

It's the wife with cancer and the mistress on the side that gets expensive. Being against socialism, and evil collectivism, he refuses to get health insurance, right?

Gopherit December 7, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I don't know why everyone is surprised. Profiteering from the dead is a corollary to believing capitalism is patriotic. Bitch is just trying to make a buck.

BTWBFDIMHO December 7, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Never Forget! To add $5.99 for shipping and handling.

Beowoof December 7, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I was kind of wondering how it could get douchier with this guy and here it is, and he will probably blame one of hes exwives for the tweet.

crapshooter102 December 7, 2010 at 4:15 pm

This guy has more exes than Rick Sanchez has tweets.

Quayle2012_KNOT December 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Neuter's shame-o-meter is inoperative. Would someone please stick that gasbag with a pin already?

thecryingeagle December 7, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I liked these people slightly better when they at least pretended to have a sense of decency.

PublicLuxury December 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Newt/Palin 2012 Viva idiocy

BarackMyWorld December 7, 2010 at 5:48 pm

No one is actually running for president in 2012 to do anything but help sell books and get speaking appearances.

Troglodeity December 7, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Very surprised that Pat Buchanan isn't using Pearl Harbor to Twitter-shill his own steaming pile of crap: "The Unnecessary War"?

Negropolis December 8, 2010 at 1:58 am

Why is it that when you pour salt on a slug they melt, but when you pour salt on a Slug-shapped, humanoid American they simply lick it off, smile, and demand more? Well, there is always hypertension, which is a far more satisfying death than melting.

lulzmonger December 8, 2010 at 8:01 am

♪ ♫ ♪ On the first day of Xmas, my true love gave to me … Gingrich's Days Of Infamy! ♫ ♪ ♫

…. so I dumped her sorry ass.

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