Newt Gingrich Deletes Twitter Thing About His Pearl Harbor Book

  blood-red sun

'It's all about timing,' said the Japanese guy who decided to kill those Americans.
Today is the dirty-sounding anniversary of the day a bunch of American troops got bombed in the waters surrounding Obama’s Kenya. Newt Gingrich honored their sacrifice on Twitter by reminding America he wrote some books that are available for purchase so that America can help him finance a new extramarital affair or whatever. Obviously, “Everyone should go out and buy Newt’s book” was what Franklin Roosevelt originally said after the attack, but Gingrich has now taken down this tweet, because he hates the troops. TOO SOON.

But don’t worry about Newt and his finances. He’s got another book to sell and another important December day to exploit for sales, a book that will teach you the secret to fomenting bigotry and xenophobia to stay relevant and sell books.

Away in a manger, it's Newty's dumb book.

Oh, it was retweeted by the boss of jackets. Must be good.

INFAMY. [Twitter/screengrab via Mediaite]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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100 comments

  1. Lucidamente1

    Hey, listen, somebody's got to keep the remainders bin stocked, and Newt is just the guy to do it.

  2. lefty74

    When there is a turd in the holiday punchbowl, everyone sees it or hears about it.
    I just don't know why this one keeps floating to the top.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    If Family Member "A" gave me something Newt-y for Christmas, my only hope would be that Family Member "B" had enough foresight to give me a handgun, so I could bust a cap or three in Family Member "A". Worse gift choice than socks, hand-knitted sweater, tie, and Hai Karate all rolled into one.

    1. the_onceler

      Even if I were a conservative, I can think of many other books I'd want before one of Newt's. Like, where can I get the latest book by Trig Palin?

    2. petehammer

      The order is important. You open up B's gift first and then think "why do I need a handgun?" Then you open up A's gift. Mystery solved. It makes it a fun game to reverse the order.

    3. Pithaughn

      Give a gift pack of "Charlie" to any female you do want see ever again in your life. works every time.

  4. elviouslyqueer

    ÜberTwitter? Sounds awfully Krauty to me. Why does Newty hate American Twitter on Pearl Harbor Day?

  5. chickensmack

    It's that liberal Twitter's fault for not giving me enough character space to type "Merry Christmas". You can't write a Contract with America in 140 characters.

    1. user-of-owls

      You can't write a Contract with America in 140 characters.

      Actually, you only need 16 characters:

      Fuck You Suckers

  6. Serolf_Divad

    The 69th anniversary of Peral Harbor is just as good an excuse as any to remind people of the true meaning of "teabagging."

  7. Not_So_Much

    Newt has roughly the size and mobility of a scuttled battleship — I say he belly-flops in there for a reenactment.

  8. hagajim

    Does this X mas thing mean Newt wants more Xtina? Is that who made her preggers? Newt you dirty dog!

  9. charlesdegoal

    I prefer Pearl Necklace and Days of Wine and Roses. Also, I never like book titles starting with a digit and wonder by whose standards Newt's life an be called successful. Failure's no success at all.

  10. V572625694

    Wow, twelve days of gifts from Newt. Why is Newt Enterprises, pardon me, "Gingrich Productions" launching this frontal assault in the War on Christmas?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        With sincerest apologies to Dr. Seuss:

        Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot,
        but the Gingrinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not.
        The Gingrinch hated Christmas – the whole Christmas season.
        Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
        It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
        Or it could be that his conservatard head wasn't screwed on just right.
        But I think that the most likely reason of all
        may have been that his black, adulterous heart was two sizes too small.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    I wonder how all the Jesus-loving paranoid dogmatics out there will feel about Newt's ignorance of the fact that the twelve days of Christmas actually begin on Christmas rather than end on it. Oh, I forgot — he's such a superior human being that his religion is only a facade for the edification of the lesser mortals, not something he actually has to know about or practice himself.

  12. weejee

    The fact today's posts include bits Elizabeth Edwards dying and Newtie using Pearl Harbor for book whoring to position himself for 2012 is indeed a day of infamy.

  13. petehammer

    Most women say a night out with Newt is a "date" which will live in infamy.

    I got more:

    Newt's prior wives say the day he cheated on them was a date which will live in infidelity.

    Newt is such a raging idiotic asshole that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife. Pearl Harbor.

  14. Extemporanus

    From 5 Principals for a Successful Life, by Newt Gingrich:

    "1. Do everything humanly possible to weasel out of serving in the armed forces so that you can avoid getting killed and are therefore able to one day become a prominent failed Republican politician who makes a healthy living lecturing others on what it means to serve in the armed forces."

      1. user-of-owls

        You can't possibly believe that precedes the real Principle Number 1. The guiding mantra that has ever driven this fat weasel:

        1) Fuck over the other guy (or gal) before they can fuck you over.

        1. Extemporanus

          When you're an egomaniacal asshole like Newt, you consider any given principle you happen to espouse to be inherently #1.

          (Also, fuck you Principal Spelling!)

    1. FNMA

      "2. Dump your cancer-stricken wife for a young woman you've been fucking on the side and then lecture others on the sanctity of marriage and family values."

      Hey, this is fun!

    2. V572625694

      5. Remorselessly attack Clinton for cheating on his wife, and explain it the woman you're cheating with that it's okay because you, Newt, are on a special God-ordained mission, whereas Clinton's just a horn dog. And gets better chicks on account of he's POTUS.

  15. samsuncle

    The Japanese bomber Pearl Harbor 69 years ago! Well, it's about time someone finally wrote a book about it.

  16. SudsMcKenzie

    Which principle is banging an intern 23 years younger than you when your married, (and dissing Clintons bj), because I could get on board with that one.

  17. Radiotherapy

    Rich folks fucks, what a great way to spend just a fraction of your hard earned tax cuts, on a book or two by Newt.

  18. MistaEko

    Please to send me a copy of "Days of Infamy Newt", though I have no idea what the Congressional Shutdown has to do with 1941.

  19. aguacatero

    Apropos, for the holidays consider buying my awesome and probably soon-to-be best-selling combo Nagasaki '45 tragedy-thriller/Newt Gingrich bio, entitled "The Ravages of Fat Man."

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Change the title to "The Ravages of Fat Man and Little Boy" and we can dominate the Nambla market.

      1. aguacatero

        As it happens, my next work in progress is "Fat M(e)n and Little Boy(s): Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, and the Toxic Legacy of Vile, Rapacious, Bloated, Pink Southern Republican House Leaders and Five Principles for Refudiating Them"

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm kind of surprised that he pulled the first tweet, I guess he thought it might seem a little mercenary to be trying to cash in on the Pearl Harbor attack. Though I don't know why, seeing as to how he's Republican and they're usually pretty brazen and without scorn in this kind of thing. Hell, they flogged the fucking 9/11 thing to death in their quest to get Bush re-elected, and that was around 36 months, never mind 69 years.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I don't think they want to draw parallels to the long held America First myth that FDR let Pearl Harbor happen to get the United States into the war, and 9/11.

  21. metamarcisf

    John Lennon (on Twitter):

    "The thirtieth anniversary of my murder is a good time to remind everyone that many of my greatest songs are now available as downloads through ITunes just in time for the Christmas season."

  22. MozakiBlocks

    Can Twitter return the favor and delete Newt Gingrich? I mean that thing has got to become self-aware any minute now.

  23. Beowoof

    I would think Gingrich Bullshit Books would be used mostly for the fire place to warm the house during this cold Rochester winter.

  24. donner_froh

    Newt is releasing his novel about the brave soldiers of the Imperial Japanese Army in China just in time for the anniversary of the Nanking Massacre.

  25. chascates

    The 10th anniversary of 9/11 is a good time to remind folks to buy Sarah Palin's newest book If Someone Attacks Your Country Turn It Into A Family Franchise.

  26. OneDollarJuana

    5 principles for a successful life:

    1) Always take time for yourself, especially at the expense of others.

    2) It's ok to screw over dying relatives. Fuck 'em, they're gonna be dead soon.

    3) Stay out of foxholes with women. They get diseases.

    4) Rupert Murdoch's jism tastes great and it's less filling!

    5) Better to get paid than worry that people perceive you as a hypocritical slimy worm. There are always women who will fuck a slimy worm for enough money.

  27. Fare la Volpe

    Every time I see Newticals, all I can imagine is some slavish manservant picking at his skin, saying, "You are so beautiful, My Speaker. Your skin, love to me. Your diseases lovingly cared for, for all eternity…"

    Then Newt screaming something about "MY plan."

  28. Mindblank

    We have nothing to fear but … well, Newt Gingrich. He's pretty damned scary. Oh, and fear, too.

    1. aguacatero

      He's scary in the sense that it's scary to reflect Newt is ostensibly in the same species as oneself, but he should not be electorally scary — he'd be even more doomed to fail as a presidential nominee than Palin. An aging Walter Mondale would beat him, Mike Gravel would give him a serious run.

  29. GuyClinch

    Although it's NSFEB (not safe for eyeballs), you guys have got to check out this picture http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_d

    I saw Newt and this woman sitting in a big shiny BMW at a red light in McLean a couple weeks ago, figured he was prolly just cheating on his wife again, and this picture reveals that it was his wife after all. She glows in a radioactive kinda way, doesn't she?

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      She seems kinda old for him. I'd be on the lookout for the 17 year old he's hooking up with on the side.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Oh, he's married one of those Japanese robots. You don't know how relieved I am to hear that.

    3. HistoriCat

      Holy shit. OK, a member of the Wonketeriat with more pharmaceutical experience needs to identify what combination of drugs Mrs. Gingrich #3 is on.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Honestly, I've been on a good third of the ones that are legal with a prescription, and the psych degree to pretend to know what I'm talking about in that department sometimes, and fucked if I know.

  30. WarAndGee

    The 69th anniversary of anything is a perfect time to remind everyone that nobody except the occasional porn star skillfully engages in that related act because almost every women finds it awkward and icky.

    1. HistoriCat

      Depends (um, sorry for the word choice) – I've known women who couldn't get enough and women who wanted nothing to do with it, as well as some who were in between.

    2. mumbly_joe

      I'm not sure about icky, but the last time I tried it with a lady, it was definitely hella awkward. Although, mainly because I was a tad too skillful on my end, and she kept on getting distracted. True story!

      (and Ladies: I'm still single; call me!)

  31. LionelHutzEsq

    Latest twat from Newt:

    Just heard Liz Edwards dying of big C. Reminds me of the book I wrote when my wife had C and I dumped her for an intern. Available now at Amazon!!!

  32. johnnyzhivago

    Just like a billboard I saw in Nagasaki:

    "The 64th anniversary of the Americans nuclear bombing our city is good time to remind everyone to try the new Atomic Hot Sauce at Sukimaru's Rib Joint"

    1. comrad_darkness

      The pig shit might stink, but at least it has potential to accomplish something positive later.

  33. comrad_darkness

    It's the wife with cancer and the mistress on the side that gets expensive. Being against socialism, and evil collectivism, he refuses to get health insurance, right?

  34. Gopherit

    I don't know why everyone is surprised. Profiteering from the dead is a corollary to believing capitalism is patriotic. Bitch is just trying to make a buck.

  35. Beowoof

    I was kind of wondering how it could get douchier with this guy and here it is, and he will probably blame one of hes exwives for the tweet.

  36. Quayle2012_KNOT

    Neuter's shame-o-meter is inoperative. Would someone please stick that gasbag with a pin already?

  37. BarackMyWorld

    No one is actually running for president in 2012 to do anything but help sell books and get speaking appearances.

  38. Troglodeity

    Very surprised that Pat Buchanan isn't using Pearl Harbor to Twitter-shill his own steaming pile of crap: "The Unnecessary War"?

  39. Negropolis

    Why is it that when you pour salt on a slug they melt, but when you pour salt on a Slug-shapped, humanoid American they simply lick it off, smile, and demand more? Well, there is always hypertension, which is a far more satisfying death than melting.

  40. lulzmonger

    ♪ ♫ ♪ On the first day of Xmas, my true love gave to me … Gingrich's Days Of Infamy! ♫ ♪ ♫

    …. so I dumped her sorry ass.

Comments are closed.