remember the alamo? no jews.

Texas Teabaggers Do Not Like Their Non-Christian Jew House Speaker

No Kinky.Texas Teabaggers have launched a campaign to oust Republican Speaker of the House Joe Straus, a guy who is a Jew, because it is time that state finally had a “true Christian leader” instead of all these Jews and Scientologists who have run the place ever since white people gypped it from the Mexicans. It turns out at least one member of the state party’s executive committee agrees with this important religion test, according to private e-mails. “I got into politics to put Christian conservatives into office. They’re the people that do the best jobs over all,” John Cook later told reporter Abby Rapoport (JEW NAME! IT’S A TRAP!). And then he used the “some of my best friends” defense for his position on Jews, which is what you do when you want to sound like a bigot. Just write in “Jesus Christ” for every job on the ballot, Texas. It’s easier.

“My favorite person that’s ever been on this earth is a Jew,” he said. “How can they possibly think that if Jesus Christ is a Jew, and he’s my favorite person that’s ever been on this earth?”

AIRTIGHT DEFENSE. If you are ever accused of racism or whatever, hire this man as your racism lawyer. Perfect.

So this Teabaggery official didn’t seem like an anti-Semite to begin with, unless by that you mean he is very anti that Semite who runs the state House, but now he definitely does, the end.

One of these days, people are going to understand that Christians need to hold all elected offices. Because democratic politics primarily concerns itself with matters of theology. [Think Progress]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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166 comments

      1. BeWoot

        Dang. I'm gonna have to write something that will earn me some of that deeper, wider, warmer, wetter love.

        Might take a while, Mizz Lizz, but be assured I have a new goal. Watch this space.

  1. mumbly_joe

    Edited because I just realized that Jack already mentioned that
    "some of my best friends are Jews (who are, BTW, unfit to govern)" thing he said.

    We should give this guy at least a little props- at least he's being upfront about the fact that he's a theocrat, rather than calling himself a "Constitutional conservative" whilst ignoring that little phrase in aformentioned founding document that begins with "no religious test shall…"

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    “Christian conservatives into office. They’re the people that do the best jobs over all”

    I forgot about that part.

    1. JustPixelz

      Hitler was a Christian! (There, I did the Godwin.)

      The plain language of the Constitution forbids religious tests for office. OH WAIT! Forgot these guys HATE HATE HATE the Constitution with its 14th Amendment and 16th Amendment and 17th Amendment. Plus that goddamn First Amendment

  3. SorosBot

    Pauletteanne will tell us that it is a typical liberal PC overreaction to claim that this is antisemitic.

    1. BarryOPotter

      "Just because it's antisemitic doesn't make it racist, because there aren't even two people running against each other! Gah! LIEberals, always trying to twist the true meaning of Our Lord's words. No wait. That's what WE do. Never mind…"

  4. ManchuCandidate

    There's a Yellow Star (of David) in Texas
    That I am going to see
    No other Christian wants him
    No one but non-Christians.
    I cried so when he got it
    It like to broke my heart
    And if I ever find him
    He won't have the job.

  5. OneDollarJuana

    Is that really the Texas Republican Party logo? It's mostly blue (Democratic), has a big hole where the heart should be, and the only red part (Republican) contains the asshole.

    1. iburl

      The elephant will be redistricted as soon as the texas house republicans provide the final solution to the Jewish problem.

    2. Graham Cracker

      in other words, it's the perfect symbol for Texas Repugniturds… especially that last part.

  6. Badonkadonkette

    Saying you can't be a bigot because you're Christian and Jesus was Jewish is like saying you can't be a bigot because you wear cotton and eat peanut butter, and hello, ever hear of slaves and George Washington Carver?

  7. vulpes82

    I often wonder if Kinky Friedman is the only Texan Jew anyone knows or whether he's THE ONLY JEW IN TEXAS.

    1. Terry

      The hippie liberal places in Texas like Austin and Galveston have thriving Jewish communities. The other cities, you'd probably have to define "thriving".

    2. MiniMencken

      Your Hebrews are thick on the ground in Houston and Dallas. Galveston was a major port for immigration in the period 1882-1900. But, Kinky voted for George W. Bush — TWICE — so I ain't gonna be sittin' shiva for that mofo if he kicks the bucket afore I do.

  8. StillGoinGreen

    Being from Texas, I'll bet he really said, "Hell, some of my best friends are niggers and spicks – and even they hate jews!! "

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
      And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
      And the Hindus hate the Muslims,
      And everybody hates the Jews.

  9. Not_So_Much

    Oh, Texas. I wish I could say you're just darling and maybe you could go gay-marry South Carolina and secede. But the truth is that you're just a hellscape shithole of grubby oil men and jeebus freaks. Take the children that you're damaging with your idiotic textbooks and just fuck off. That is all.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    But, but, but them GOPers just loooooooooove the state of Israel so much! Why, they're Israel's best friends, as AIPAC and Sarah Palin never tire of reminding me. How is it possible to love Israel and yet hate the Jews at the same time?

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Easy. You can take the contarded out from anti-semetism, but you can't take the anti-semetism out of the contarded.

      Actually, tis the Rapture. They're buddy buddies with the Jooz till Israel gets blowed up real gud. Then it's Rapture time.

      With friends like that, who need pogroms?

      1. Chet Kincaid

        That's the knee-jerk libtard response to this question, but having spent the first 25 years of my life around fundie/evangelicals, I never heard it put exactly like that. What I heard from various pulpits was that the Jews are God's chosen people, and that it's up to God to decide what to do with them, and even if he chooses to send them all to hell, the non-Jews who mistreated them on this earth are going to get some judgement, too. I remember seeing a Christian propaganda film in the early 70s proclaiming the rebirth of Israel and the flowering of a country in the Godless Arab desert to be one of His miraculous wonders. (They even had a catchy, moddy song about this that they kept breaking into.) And there are lots of evangelicals out there whose idea of "compassion" is feeling sorry for Jews who don't realize their Messiah has already come and gone.

        Admittedly, my experience of white fundamentalists was mitigated by a semi-protective shell of black fundamentalists, and we were in big northern inner cities, not Bumfuck, Southern Baptist Texas. But I do know Moody Bible Institute quite intimately, if that gives anybody a gauge of my deep-cover anthropological field studies.

      1. Terry

        Exactly. Israel is supposed to bring about the end of the world. Not sure why the fundies want to rush us all to that point. If they want to go to their reward right away, they should feel free to do so.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      They love Israel Jews because they're over there, kicking' some Ay-rab ass for us alla time. They don't love local Jews because we don't need that kinda service over here in 'murica (yet).

  11. x111e7thst

    I could say that some of my best friends are white christian conservatives but that would be a lie.

    1. JustPixelz

      Don't lie. It's against one of the commandments! You don't want God to get cross with you. Cross! hoo-wee I feel like a Texan now.

      1. BeWoot

        Some of my acquaintances are Jews. Some of the people I see at Costco are white christian conservatives.

  12. DangerHelvetica

    Not only does he pull out the "favorite person" canard (thank you Bristol!), he can't even pick a Jew that isn't a fictional character.

    1. BTWBFDIMHO

      Actually, I went to a Hanukkah party last Sunday (here, in Texas) and the main dish was barbequed brisque with barbecue sauce.

  13. harry_palmer

    “My favorite fictional character that’s ever been on this earth is a Jew, but by God we don't need any real-person Jews in the sovereign state of Texas.”

  14. freakishlywrong

    I'm fairly certain non-Christian Jews are probably not fucking madly in love with Texas Teabaggers either. Like the rest of us.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Like Republican blacks and Republican gays, the phenomenon of Republican Jews defies comprehension.

  16. _MISS_T_

    The Fundies have now given up even the pretence to loooove Jews. America is so batshit at this point they can now proudly boast their anti-semitism and admit the Jews are only good for bribing Jebus to kill all non Fundie Christians in a homicidal rage – with little to no consequences from the media or
    voters. In fact the low hanging fruit that vote all the douchebags in in Texas are drooling over this shit.

  17. FoxyO_Wiley

    I should be embarrassed – being a Texas native and still living here. But I'm not. GW cleansed me. All hail Original Sin!

    The Repubes want to excommunicate you from our great (nation) of Texas. Go away amerikkka!

    1. Beowoof

      I would encourage all those in Texas to work tirelessly for secession. I am 100% behind Texas seceding from the union and taking Mississippi, Alabama and South Carolina with them.

  18. OkieDokieDog

    Every good Christian knows that the Joos killed our lord and savior, Jebus Fuckin' Christ.
    NEVER FORGET!!!1!1!! USAUSA!!!11!

    1. Beowoof

      Yeah the Romans had nothing to do with it. It was all the joos that's what that there Mel Gibson snuff movie said.

      1. SorosBot

        Well it's not like the organization that decided who gets the blame has been run by the Romans and their descendants for thousands of years or anything.

  19. comrad_darkness

    Thinking of Texas, Ken Lay was a stunning Christian who did a wonderful job. Believing the invisible creator of the universe guides your every move, not matter how greedy . . . nothing could possibly go wrong with that for your fellow humans.

    1. V572625694

      Is that really true? I thought he learned all his evil ways at McKinzie & Co, the Devil's Workshop.

      1. comrad_darkness

        His father was a Baptist minister, in fact. All that holiness did trickle down upon him from his ancestors.

    2. Terry

      My favorite part of Fundy Xtianity is that you just have to SAY you are saved, you don't have to do any of that pesky stuff like loving your neighbor, feeding the hungry, clothing the nekkid, or giving comfort to prisoners.

      1. Beowoof

        Fuck that, there is money to be made taking advantage of the poor suckers the lord put here for me to overcharge, price gouge, defraud etc.

  20. SilverFox

    But guys, all the wise media types have settled this already. The Tea Party Movement is about fiscal and economic issues. None of those pesky social issues (re: bigotry). Oh wait.

      1. Terry

        No, but you all scrubbed some records to make a frat boy who skipped out on his last years of Air Guard service look like a True American Hero ™.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          Yeah, but it is not like we released him onto the world to indiscriminately kill and maim thousands in the name of… Oh shit, sorry!

  21. comrad_darkness

    They’re the people that do the best jobs over all.

    That should be "overall". Unless that is dog whistle for über alles. Oh, I see what you did there. . .

    Can't be a grammar error. He's a Christian and he's a leader, so he's perfect. So, I'll go with the dog whistle then.

  22. metamarcisf

    I'd like to ask Mr. Cook this one question: if you could have dinner with any figure in history, living or dead, whom would it be?

  23. north_of_moscow

    First they came for the Texas Republican Speaker of the House, and I did not speak up because, well, fuck that guy.

  24. ph7

    Texans are only willing to accept Jews that aren't too jewy looking. If he bulked up a little, Jesus could be starting quaterback for the Dallas Cowboys.

  25. WhatTheHeck

    I've said this before and I will say it again.
    The day is coming when there will be the Ten Commandments displayed in all Republican controlled state houses. And the words “Mah guns an mah bible” inscribed in stone to make the morons happy.

  26. LeAlbatross

    And cue the obligatory "Not all Texans are like this!" in 3…2…

    Look, Austin; you are an anomaly. One that could be wiped off the Earth and…Texas won't care. Not an iota. Move. Texas is, and I'm being kind here, a buttcheek state. There are pleasant buttcheeks, but this, this is an unwashed, denim-clad, trucknutz- lovin' tattooed-with-a-burning-cross buttcheek state. You would be better off sand papering your own genitalia in Guam than living one more miserable soul-crushing day in idiot-strewn Texas.

    1. Billmatic

      Actually that's not true, if Austin wasn't here the rest of the state would have nowhere to go and have fun.

      And yeah, blanket statements are fail anyway. You can say that about the whole country, it's not a Texan particularity. We're just louder and ornerier.

  27. V572625694

    The post has a fatal flaw right off the bat, when it says we gypped Mexico out of Texas. We won it fair and square in a war, because the Slave Power needed expansion territory.

  28. mavenmaven

    “How can they possibly think that if Jesus Christ is a Jew, and he’s my favorite person that’s ever been on this earth, and if Jesus wanted to be speaker of the house we might have bent the rules a little to let a Jew in, but since He ain't available, it'll have to be one of our White Christians as speaker"

  29. BTWBFDIMHO

    From the Texas GOP platform 2010:
    "Homosexuality – We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans."
    "We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy."

  30. MiniMencken

    I have a vision of a dark, damp basement interrogation room staffed by fundies and the guy in the uncomfy chair is either Bill Kristol, Joe Lieberman, Eric Cantor, Charles Krauthammer or Jonah Goldberg. "Well, of course," the interrogator says, "You people were certainly useful to the Party when we were in persuit of power. But, seriously, now, how can you expect to have a role in a Christian government?"

  31. Terry

    Here's awesome news that may balance out some of the bad news. The Southern Poverty Law Center, an organization that tracks hate groups, is announcing today that they will now begin to track anti-gay groups such as the Family Research Council.

    How fabulous is that?

    Of course, Morris Dees will be denounced immediately as a hippie liberal socialist.

  32. wvfii

    ok fine, but Cook had better go after the Mormons with the same fervor. Every born-again woth his pillar of salt know that Mormons are no more Christian than a Muslim is. Sorry Beck, Mittens.

  33. Beowoof

    Wow are these fuckers in trouble;. Jesus was a liberal Jew, I think he is going to be pissed off once these people check into the afterlife.

  34. finette_

    Here in Louisiana, some redneck posted in the local newspaper's forum before the election asking if anyone else wasn't just a bit worried that Republican Lt. Gov. candidate Jay Dardenne was Jewish. How could they vote for someone who's not "at least nominally a Christ-follower"?

    I'm glad to say that almost everyone laughed at the guy, even in this very conservative and Baptist area. And Dardenne won easily, so…yay? (Not really, he's still a Republican.)

    1. zhubajie

      Well, I don't think anyone doesn't know that Louisiana is more enlightened than Texas. Has been for a long time.

  35. steveduncan111

    Christ was a Jew. But Christians are best at organizing and running things. So, why did God put a fricking Jew in charge of starting a new religion? Obviously He should have tapped Jimmy Swaggert for the task. Or Ralph Reed.

  36. prommie

    It was lovable old W Bush who was asked, as he boarded a plane to Israel on his only trip out of the US before he became president, "Do you have a message for the Israeli people," and he answered "I gonna tell them they're all going to hell." On account of their jewy jew jewness.

  37. hagajim

    That's all I can take. I'm gonna spend the rest of the day looking at Texan Jew porn….or something.

  38. Billmatic

    The real problem with Joe Strauss is that he's too fair and nice. There's redistricting coming up, the Texas GOP needs to make sure East Austin and McAllen are served by the same US Rep even though the cities are nearly 10 hours apart by car.

  39. thefrontpage

    All of the crazy, psychotic teabagger idiots, morons and crazies who are connected to this in any way should resign from office, effective immediately–and that's not a joke.

    Texas politicians are all suffering from some idiotic, moronic, delusional state which obviously renders them incredibly stupid. That's not a joke either.

    This is the state that gave us George W. Bush and Rick Perry–two of the biggest idiots and morons out there. That's not a joke, either.

  40. horselover_fat

    White conservative Christians are some of my favorite people. I love them so much I would like them rounded up and placed in FEMA camps, for their own good, because they are my friends and friendship is best expressed through bigotry, entitlement, and abject paranoia.

  41. Tundra Grifter

    Is anyone else as tired as I am of "the Judeo-Christian tradition?" Probably not.

    Bull O'Really? and Sheer "Am i An Idiot?" InSannity are the chied peddlers of this horse pucky.

    Sometime in the 1950's, after a couple hundred years of being put down, some Jewish folks finally got the Christians' attention. They must have said "Hey – not only are we not Christians, it's OK we're not Christians."

    This was an obvious problem.

    So those God-loving "Christians" invented the "Judeo-Christian tradition," applied it back to the Mayflower Compact, and decided the Jews could celebrate Christmas just like everyone else.

    Is this a wonderful country or what?

    1. comrad_darkness

      Since this solstice holiday involving gifts and wreaths and holly is a pagan celebration it's okay if anyone celebrates it. Unless the pagans want to chime in and complain, I suppose.

  42. zhubajie

    I'm waiting for the quarrel over who's a "real" Xtn to begin. You know the Baptists and Pentecostals can't stand each other, and neither has much use for the Mormons or the Catholics.

  43. ttommyunger

    In twenty years the brown people will own the Texas Statehouse and Governor's Mansion and personally, I want to be alive to see it.

    1. Negropolis

      One day, they'll gay marry couples on the Texas capitol steps, and plant a giant-assed Menorah on the Texas capitol lawn, and this-here negro will personally chip in to pay for that.

      1. ttommyunger

        In the meantime, save your money up. It will be a while before all that takes place in the Sovereign State of Dumfuckistan.

  44. horsedreamer_1

    He won't say peep. Unless it's to assert the words in the Bagger's mouth were planted by LIEbruls, just like the bullets that plugged Cantor's non-office office.

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