THE CHUCK NORRIS OP-ED LEVER  2:40 pm December 6, 2010

Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers

by Jack Stuef

THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE BOY SCOUTS, ALSO!Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution and forming a republic and the Liberty Bell and such. But doesn’t the National Park Service, which oversees the historic site, know that Christianity is the most important aspect of everything that is good in the world, such as white men like the founding fathers? Sounds like those pine-tree jockeys need some sense uppercutted into them.

If there’s one thing Chuck cares about, besides Jesus, it’s context:

Last week, I detailed seven occasions in the past few months at which President Obama omitted the words “by their Creator” from direct quotes of the Declaration of Independence

WHAM!

Recently, my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations, Todd DuBord, was on a tour of Independence Hall with David Barton, Jim Garlow and dozens of others. When the National Park Service guide leading their group blurted out five unbelievable lies and distortions about our founders’ religious beliefs and history, with school-aged children present as well in the room:

“We have no record that George Washington ever attended church.”

While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand, he said to the crowd: “Even if I said the founders were Christians, how could we really know? Just because people carry a big ol’ Bible in their hand, they can still be atheists!”

“Most of these men owned slaves. How could good Christians do that?”

“We know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist.”

“We don’t really know for sure about their religion. It’s open for interpretation. You’ll have to do your own study on that.”

With school-aged children there. All of them quickly ripped off their Benjamin Franklin t-shirts, threw down their George Washington lunchboxes, and changed the Aaron Burr ringtones on their cell phones. How could it be? Some of these men had questioned faith in the official religion of the society they left behind? CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE RUINED FOREVER.

As we all know, the founding fathers devoted approximately 99% of their lives to being good Christians. The other 1%, when they were simultaneously relieving themselves in the chamber pot, was when they set up a new country and kicked a worldwide trend toward liberal democracy into gear. Sorry, roundhouse-kicked a worldwide trend toward Jesus democracy into gear. [WND]

 

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{ 230 comments }

SudsMcKenzie December 6, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Walker, Park Ranger

JimmyPete December 6, 2010 at 3:02 pm

I find it hard to believe that a Park service worker would mock religion or hunch over with a "big ole bible" maybe they were baited or more likely it never happened.

GOPCrusher December 6, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I'll vote for "never happened", but it's hard to get people worked up in to a proper hate with the truth. Cmon, the midterm elections would have never turned out the way they did, if it wasn't for the fact that Obama instituted the largest tax increase the history of the world and took everyone's guns away.

JimmyPete December 6, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Yeah that death panelist , Muslim , socialist , Pakistan visiting Kenyan but ultimately the Libs and the Dems need to realize that the old rules are out. Chain mails and Fox needs to be countered at every step and if you snooze you lose. You should see the crap that comes into my office everyday. The people who are most affected by the Repub agenda have completely turned on Obama because of almost a daily pounding of right wing chain mails . It's not enough to be on Crooks and Liars, cause they don't read this. Snopes and Politifact do a good job but I really think a clearing house site would be helpful,

horsedreamer_1 December 6, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Had Chuck Norris been cast as 'Walter Sobczak', the Dude would have been administered, properly, a round-house kick to the face after that little remark questioning Walter's knowledge of domestic animal laws.

x111e7thst December 6, 2010 at 2:44 pm

This morning I felt an intense desire to roundhouse kick a white christian into a chamber pot. Does this make me a bad person?

user-of-owls December 6, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Just as long as you're not a fucking Deist. I'm circulating a petition calling on Christians to protest Deism by boycotting kites and electricity.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 3:21 pm

They'd have to avoid quoting the Declaration of Independence too; and since the abstract, non-denominational "creator" references there are the only real things they have to go on in the bullshit claims that America is a "Christian nation" they'll be stuck to nothing but making up quotes (which they do a lot anyway).

imissopus December 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Not to mention demanding we make turkeys the national symbol, which could logically result in everyone eating bald eagles on Thanksgiving.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Ew. I'm guessing bald eagles are pretty stringy and tough. My cat might like'em though.

bagofmice December 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm

So chaste deists are still cool?

user-of-owls December 6, 2010 at 3:27 pm

There's a woodchuck chucking wood joke in there somewhere, but it's too much work.

HedonismBot December 6, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Into a chamberpot?? Where does one find a chamberpot? I have no idea what an Amish person could have done to piss you off, but I think attacking one is pretty low, given they are pacifists and all.

Dashboard_Jesus December 7, 2010 at 12:44 am

a bad 'christian' maybe but a GREAT human being! btw, thanks Chuck for including yer e-mail address on yer stoopid web page…here's my personal reply

"Dear Chucky, looks like *someone* has taken a few too many kicks to the head, eh? Take your Neanderthal brain back to the Stone Age ya freakin' moron…and I'm glad Bruce Lee kicked your sorry dumb ass all over the big screen (now THERE'S a TRUE 'Merkan hero!…also :)

SexySmurf December 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Patrick Henry kept his wife locked in the cellar, and Thomas Jefferson raped underage girls. Obviously they were Christians.

Not_So_Much December 6, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Not good ones, if they got caught.

ManchuCandidate December 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Chuck Norris' brain is super tough. Facts simply shatter against the concrete ossified state of his mind.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm

How dare those guides not lie to children as Norris wants them to.

facehead December 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Chuck Norris could beat the shit out of cancer and kill it, but he's having too much fun tearing atheism a new asshole.*

* butthole (for school-aged Wonketteers).

[EDIT--WTF happened to all my 'p' points, did Stuef steal them to try and cure Beiber fever? This is why I can't have nice things!]

Barrelhse December 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm

I lost a bunch, too, although I have no recollection of redeeming them for anything. I assumed that I must have said something absolutely hilarious and offended someone.

Not_So_Much December 6, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Pee pogrom last week — everyone lost 1/3 or so.

Today, we are all pee impaired 'Murkans.

Pop_Socket December 6, 2010 at 4:12 pm

I just figured it was a new Obamasocialist program and they went to someone richer and funnier than me.

JoshuaNorton December 6, 2010 at 5:47 pm

We all got pee point hosed. I had literally hundreds of millions of points suddenly disappear faster than Lehman Brothers bottom line.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 6, 2010 at 9:52 pm

I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative pee-values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace our lesbian canard faster than Margaret Cho in a Subaru dealership.

foog December 7, 2010 at 12:02 am

Every time you even THINK of commenting in this thread, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the head off your p-points, lowering your score and adding to his already infinite awesome.

ph7 December 7, 2010 at 6:32 am

I had 40 points disappear a half hour after I made fun of the Pope. I was thinking there was a divine correlation, the start of my ephipany which would lead to a lack of cynicism and condescension this Xmas season. Either that, or that Catholic League rounded up all the old nuns to log on and vote thumbs down on every Wonketteer.

Of course, as always, I find there is a scientific answer, so I can go back to being smug.

CapnFatback December 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Well, I get the outrage. If there's anything you don't want school-age children learning, it's the truth. I mean, they're so impressionable.

HistoriCat December 6, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Being a park ranger there must really suck. Having to throw cold water on teatard delusions must be like wearing a giant "kick me" sign.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 3:02 pm

It does today anyway, it's just above freezing with insanely high winds; and the park areas get the wind much worse than regular streets.

Maman December 6, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I think that it is worse at Colonial Williamsburg as they aren't allowed to break character.

user-of-owls December 6, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Talk about an iron-clad defense for why you got all rapey with that under-aged wench.

horsedreamer_1 December 6, 2010 at 4:43 pm

So, you read &/or saw the film version of Choke, too?

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 4:47 pm

As a Community fan, it's nice for the images of Britta naked

MissTaken December 6, 2010 at 2:50 pm

I bet Chuck's organizations are actually churches so they don't have to pay taxes. Which is good because I hear taxes go to pay for national parks where the guides go around telling school-aged children the founding fathers weren't good Christians.

Oblios_Cap December 6, 2010 at 2:50 pm

If I gave a flying fuck about what Chuck Norris "thought", I'd be outraged! Outraged!, says I!

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Also up for outrage, a guide at Dachau would not confirm the truth that Nazis were actually communist muslin homocrats.

BaldarTFlagass December 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Bruce Lee kicked Chuck's ass in Return of the Dragon back in '72 and Chuck hasn't been the same since then.

SexySmurf December 6, 2010 at 3:13 pm

I think Bruce cut the air supply off to Chuck's brain just a little too long.

Dashboard_Jesus December 7, 2010 at 1:00 am

great minds and all, here's the e-mail I just sent to lil Chuck, not too snarky but I just HAD to bring up Bruce since I know it must STILL piss him off…"Dear Chucky, looks like *someone* has taken a few too many kicks to the head, eh? Take your Neanderthal brain back to the Stone Age ya freakin' moron…and I'm glad Bruce Lee kicked your sorry dumb ass all over the big screen (now THERE'S a TRUE 'Merkan hero!…also :)

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 8:36 am

Now I have visions of that Mountain Dew commercial where he threatens the lives of them hackers.

MinAgain December 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

“We know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist.”

And a total horndog. Still, the Lord doth love a cheerful giver.

Terry December 6, 2010 at 3:04 pm

He used to sit naked in front of an open window each day, too. Said it was to catch the fresh air.

Maman December 6, 2010 at 3:07 pm

and a general hedonist… "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"

4TheTurnstiles December 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Wait… This guy looks familiar. Isn't he the slow-speaking fellow from the infomercials? Joe the ShamWow guy, but his real name is Sam or Bill or whatever?

CapnFatback December 6, 2010 at 2:52 pm

By the way, the Park Ranger telling a Christian group this:

“Most of these men owned slaves. How could good Christians do that?”

is simply fuckin' awesome.

Fare la Volpe December 6, 2010 at 6:32 pm

That's actually the one piece of evidence that suggests they were Christians. The Bible's just chuck full-a tasty tidbits about the proper way to beat your slaves (never on the Sabbath) and the proper means to sell your daughter into shackles for lucre.

Jesus loves the little children~

Dashboard_Jesus December 7, 2010 at 1:03 am

heh, heh…you said 'lucre' :)

Negropolis December 7, 2010 at 1:16 am

Even worse, unlike a lot of stuff in the Bible, this not only comes in the New Testament, but it comes from the mouth of Jesus, himself.

What times, when the debate wasn't over slavery, but how to "properly" treat ones slave(s). To be fair, a lot of slavery practiced in ancient times bares only passing semblence to the brutality that was purely race-based African chattel slavery, which also had the extra knock against it that this was during or after the Enlightenment when we were supposed to have known better. Meh.

Maman December 6, 2010 at 2:54 pm

As we know when talking to school-age children it is best to whitewash the story as much as possible. Otherwise, they might get interested in History and other book learning.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 6, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Where can I get an Aaron Burr ringtone?
I asumme it goes Harrumph!

Oblios_Cap December 6, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Either that or the sound of a single pistol shot and then a "thud" as Hamilton hits the ground.

Terry December 6, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Now I HAVE to have this ring tone.

SmutBoffin December 6, 2010 at 3:15 pm

(KA-POW)…
(whump)…
"Thou hast been PWNED, accursed mounteback of democratic thought! Now give it up for His Burr-ness!"

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 4:03 pm

How do you pronounce "pwned," I have often wondered.

northernbassist December 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm

No, that's the 'Raymond' Burr ringtone….

PsycWench December 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm

It didn't occur to Chuck Norris that an experienced National Park Service guide might know what he was talking about and a washed-up martial artist might not? Strange.

GOPCrusher December 6, 2010 at 5:12 pm

I think it's safe to assume that Chuckles is trying to imply that the park ranger has been indoctrinated by the Atheist Agenda. Honestly, I'm surprised that he didn't say that the park ranger claimed that the Founding Fathers were all gay Muslins.

Fare la Volpe December 6, 2010 at 6:37 pm

He's been indoctrinated by the Atheist Agenda

Books?

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm

This post needs more Bristol Palin in it.

OneDollarJuana December 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Canard!

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:05 pm

You know, until the previous Palin post, I thought we might make it through a Palin-less Monday. No such luck, though.

Fare la Volpe December 6, 2010 at 6:38 pm

*pops a squat and milks it all the way to Primetime*

You're welcome.

Eve8Apples December 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Wait 'til Chuck finds out Jesus was Jewish.

Oblios_Cap December 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Lies!

BaldarTFlagass December 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

I'm not a Jew, and I never will be! I'm not a kike, a yid, a heebe, nor a hooknose! I'm not kosher! I'm no Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

LionelHutzEsq December 6, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Please, how could Jesus be Jewish with his blond hair and blue eyes.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Not to mention "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin." What kind of Commie/Ghey bullshit is that?

The Sermon on the Mount? Whu?

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm

It is easier to trot a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Unless you're rich enough to build a giant needle.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 4:32 pm

At my private Catholic school, where the vast majority of the parents were really rich, one of the religion teachers claimed the "eye of a needle" probably really referred to a gate that would be hard, but not impossible, for a camel to go through. Way to reassure the spoiled rich kids!

charlesdegoal December 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm

I've heard that one, and the one that says that "camel" actually means "rope". Those Xtians are so lacking in imagination – why do they need to take everything literally? Gimme Greek mythology or Hinduism any day. For reality, we've got the NYTimes.

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Oh, of course — because as any writer or reader knows, the power of hyperbole lies in its nuanced take that can have many different meanings and wouldn't dare say one thing in an overly emphatic way. Also, the rich must be the most frickin insecure bunch of people in the world.

slithytoves December 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Remembering the role of religion in our republic is why I included an entire chapter on the subject (titled, "From Here to Eternity") in my New York Times best seller, "Black Belt Patriotism.

You just can't make this shit up.

Terry December 6, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Not sure how these guys missed the whole part about the Founding Fathers not being enamored with organized religion after their experiences with Europe. Either they were home schooled, attended Texas public schools, or were stoned or sat there in class with their fingers in their ears while humming.

PsycWench December 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

He must have gone to at least one of the same schools as Sarah Palin.

HistoriCat December 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Who didn't go to one of the same schools as Sarah Palin?

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Only Sarah could make matriculation seem slutty.

GOPCrusher December 6, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Brisket Palin

genxr December 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Maybe he attended Xtine OD's Oxford adult annex learning course.

BaldarTFlagass December 6, 2010 at 3:15 pm

"From Here to Eternity"

In which he kicks the shit out of Deborah Kerr on the beach at Waikiki.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:07 pm

And then rests His arms on the smoking hot barrels of the AA guns after shooting down a few Jap Zeros.

weejee December 6, 2010 at 2:56 pm

In the book horsepuckey in the great book of Teatarded Proverbs it says that each and all the founding fathers were Jeebus loving, Jew & Muslin' hating, Xtains. The fact that most of the FF superstars expressed religion was that it was a in fact or de facto requirement to get elected (kinda like today, too, also). Some of the more spiritual were Deists, but a good number agnostics. and few closet atheists.

jim89048 December 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm

From today forward, I shall forever refer to them as Xtains, or Christains, in longhand.

weejee December 6, 2010 at 3:07 pm

'Zactly. Makes ya wonder about that "out, out damn spot" bit, don't it?

edgydrifter December 6, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Jesus must really be looking forward to the day when he can sit at Chuck Norris' feet in Heaven.

Oblios_Cap December 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Methinks Norris prays like MacAuthur was rumored to – facing the mirror.

Terry December 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Norris' eternal torment is going to be having to continually fight…and always lose to….a vegan, pagan, hippie chick who weighs about 90 lbs and has hairy armpits and multiple piercings.

natoslug December 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Chuck Norris: Lousy actor, worse human being. The delay in bringing our FEMA death camps online is really starting to chap my ass. I'm gonna need a bigger blistex.

If I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to point out that there are plenty of Christians out there who aren't completely retarded fuckwads (a number of them here amongst us, I'm sure). Unfortunately, I'm also pretty sure somewhere in the bible it says "don't be an asshole about your religion and life in general," which is why the non-CRF Christians are not the examples of Christianity that stand out. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah — I need a drink. Maybe there was more, but religion just depresses and angers me at this point.

Terry December 6, 2010 at 3:13 pm

"a number of them here amongst us, I'm sure"

Many fundy Xtians don't count Catholics as Christians as they feel we worship the Pope and saints rather than God. Fundies only like Catholics when the topic is abortion. Death penalty, not so much.

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm

You Papists also believe the Pope's grocery lists are as divine as the Good Book. You have sanctioned all kinds of devil worship in the Cathedral by winking at the savages in Haiti, Cuba and Brazil when they "align" their heathen spirits with your Saints. And you allow for magic words said after you're unconscious to guarantee salvation, as opposed to genuine, self-lobotomizing repentance. In general, priests are like high-priced brokers who won't tell you what they're doing with your money, while fun-deism is e-trade. Here is a Jack T. Chick tract that will explain all this in simple cartoons, http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0071/0071_01…. and perhaps move you to prostration before an Angry and Loving God, otherwise, "depart from me I never knew you!!"

(Good to know I can just flip a switch and it all comes back!)

ShaveTheWhales December 6, 2010 at 4:29 pm

wow

Terry December 6, 2010 at 7:40 pm

You know, of course, that whole infallibility thing was invented by a Pope when the Cardinals were getting out of line, right? It's been invoked just a couple times. Mostly, it's something that Protestants get huffy over and Catholics, other than rabid new converts, just short of shrug about.

It's not just the Latinos who migrated their pagan deities into Catholicism. In Ireland, there are a slew of springs, wells, and mountain tops that are "holy" and associated with a saint who probably never visited the spot. Turn out, those spots had been sacred sites for the Celts.

On the anointing of the sick or dead, I agree with you. After you've lost your own ability to repent, the stuff that happens is mainly theater for the surviving friends and family including the funeral.

HistoriCat December 6, 2010 at 8:33 pm

I figure it really doesn't matter – somewhere down the road, a Mormon will posthumously convert you anyway.

BTW, I think that may be the most genius idea ever in religious persuasion; you can convert to Mormonism AND make sure Grandpa comes along for the ride!

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 10:22 pm

I was thinking of Vodou in Haiti, Santeria in Cuba and Candomble in Brazil, all of which include worship of deities of the Nigerian Yoruba people via slavery, and all of which the Catholic Church has tried to co-opt through conflation with Saints.

Off-topic, but on-Chet-enthusiasms, the music of both Santeria and Candomble is wonderful. The Cuban songs of Santeria are beautiful melodies, and many of the same songs are sung in Candomble. And the Cuban bata drum rhythms are ingeniously complex.

Gorillionaire December 6, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Jesus also told his disciples to sell off all of their nice clothes and doo-dads at home and give it all to the poor and the elderly, and he pretty clearly meant "not tomorrow" or "not when you die".

marinmaven December 6, 2010 at 4:03 pm

An old local lefty radio talkshow host Ray Taliafaro said once and it was sampled in a Negativland album, "Why do good white people, allow all the bad white people to pick on women and minorities, why do they do that?"

That has always been my question to Christians, 'Why do the good Christians, let the bad Christians to pick on gays, kids, women, non-Christians, and people who say "Happy Holidays"? I left Christianity when I was unable to change things from the inside. Progressive and reasonable Christians are outnumbered and have zero power. The bad Christians run the show, there is no point giving them legitimacy by increasing their number.

Christianity brings a lot of pain and ignorance rather than comfort and light. They are a major force in undermining science and hostility toward reality-based thinking.

I am tired of Christians playing the victim card, pretending they are the only one here and victimizing others. They free to worship and believe what they want, but they need to mind their own business.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Similarly, I wonder why it that when a Muslim does something bad, every single Muslim in the world has to apologize for it; yet when a Christian does something bad (like say raping children and covering it up, or assassinating doctors who perform abortions) no other Christians, or even members of the same sect, ever make any move to apologize.

finallyhappy December 6, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Duh, because they are Muslims, they have to apologize for existing. Christians are good even when they rape kids, murder drs or blow up buildings. It's about believing in Jesus- even if you are a child molester, serial killler, bigot, racist, serial divorcer and/or lying asshole. I think you need to watch Fox News- I never will- but as you can see, I already understand their major point..

HempDogbane December 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm

George Washington had a wooden dick, and Ben Franklin was a dentist? You take that back now, Park Service !

horsedreamer_1 December 6, 2010 at 3:22 pm

& you're an Anti-Dentite.

LionelHutzEsq December 6, 2010 at 3:34 pm

I just can't believe that Jefferson rapped with 14-year olds.

BaldarTFlagass December 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm

In this country these days, being a park ranger must be the intellectual equivalent of being an orderly in an insane asylum. I can't imagine having to keep a straight face when some fundy tried to argue with me that the Vishnu Schist at the bottom of the Grand Canyon is but 6,000 years old.

But at least they can carry sidearms.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:09 pm

And in Arizona, so can the tourists! Shoot out at Phantom Canyon Ranch!

finallyhappy December 6, 2010 at 4:50 pm

The rule is you don't argue- you just explain the facts- but you can ask/require that they(the morans) not lecture others with their insane crap(but one does not put it that way). Also most Park service personnel- the ones who give tours- do not carry weapons(unfortunately)

ttommyunger December 6, 2010 at 9:32 pm

And they should.

prommie December 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I wish they still gave a copy of the "Jefferson Bible" to all incoming congress members. The fucktards' heads would explode.

4TheTurnstiles December 6, 2010 at 3:12 pm

If they had it, they wouldn't read it. If they read it, they wouldn't understand it or recognize any difference from the one their stepfathers beat them with. If they understood it, they'd pretend not to in public so's to keep the gravy train going. &c.

StillGoinGreen December 6, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Exactly! And that goes for both sides of the aisle right now. The liberal movement is as dead as the truth – or the original vision of the "shining city on the hill". The only thing that remains is the mistold stories of St Ronnie and his twisted version of how the trickle would make the city glow. The democrats don't stand up for anything right now because they don't stand for anything anymore. We are now the party of Nuh Uh!!

Radiotherapy December 6, 2010 at 6:25 pm

It's fucking sad. The whole goal was to cut taxes on the rich. And the Dems were complicit, to what degree I don't know, but they were complicit in this smoke and mirror show. What they don't realize is that by backing down, it's still not enough.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:10 pm

You mean the Koran that muslin congresscritter from pinko/librul MN was sworn in on?

jim89048 December 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Does he have a twatter account? Because that's where I get all my fake outrage from anymore.

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 3:08 pm

are you in AZ? I guess the zip code could tell me, but I am going by the use of "anymore" where I would say "nowadays."

ManchuCandidate December 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Because a guy who took a lot of concussions in competitive marital arts has a much better mind than someone who reads.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 6, 2010 at 3:00 pm

http://files.tyndale.com/thpdata/images–covers/5

How times does Chuck's name appear on the cover of his book?
This book needs to be reviewed by Wonkette.

OneDollarJuana December 6, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Quote: "If I have nothing good to say about a person, then I will say nothing."

Chuck Norris in The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book, page 5. Apparently he doesn't follow his own principles anymore, based on his comments about the park ranger.

slappypaddy December 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

good christians still own slaves, only now they call them employees.

genxr December 6, 2010 at 3:25 pm

The founding fathers didn't believe in minimum wage!

jim89048 December 6, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Zero dollars sounds pretty minimal to me.

BorderJumper! December 6, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Chuck Norris statements are as believable and amusing as the "facts" about him.

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 3:09 pm

I heard he used to have tons of dudes in sailor suits waiting outside his dressing room. Might have been Freddie Mercury, but really, what's the difference?

Allmighty_Manos December 6, 2010 at 3:04 pm

If the Founding Father weren't serious Christians then why is Jesus mentioned so many times in the Constitution?

snoopyfan2010 December 6, 2010 at 7:15 pm

His name is in the first three words….."We the people…"

SmutBoffin December 6, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Just in time for some Republican-orchestrated congressional hearings!

SPKR. BOEHNER: Did you tell your tour group, Mr. Park Service Guide, that General Washington didn't bludgeon Gernal Cornwallis with a giant dildo (made in Christ's image), in total contradiction of HISTORICAL CHRISTIAN FACT?

PARK SERVICE GUIDE: That is correct. That event never happened. It is also not true that the secret of lightning was revealed to Benjamin Franklin by the heavenly angels sent to caress his genitalia and warn him about the threat of the muslins.

fundamentallybroken December 6, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I clicked through to WND, and found that Wonkette pretty much quoted the whole content of the op-ed. Beyond that, it was just a goddamn shill for Chuck's bible textbook.

I want my money back.

savethispatient December 6, 2010 at 3:06 pm

If the founding fathers were good Christians, they would not have created an independent country in direct contradiction to the will of King George, who ruled them by Divine Right.

BarryOPotter December 6, 2010 at 3:26 pm

"Logic, facts, rationality, these we will cast 'pon the ground and ignore their unheeded pleas of 'Treadest Not 'Pon Me! Verily, I say, 'tis written, but you need not concern yourself with the where, for what I have said is as truthy as any divine gospel."

-Excerpt from "A Letter from Chuckus Norristhian to the Xtain Hordes"

Maman December 6, 2010 at 3:08 pm

As we know when talking to school-age children it is best to whitewash the story as much as possible. Otherwise

AntonovBureau December 6, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Founding fathers? What the heck is that? Everyone knows Jeebus wrote the constitution.

Praise be to God.

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

The nerve of that tour guide! Everyone knows that the One True strain of Christianity is the one that was founded in the 1840's expressly in an attempt to reconcile the practice of owning human beings like cattle with the rest of Evangelical doctrine, i.e, Southern Baptist.

As an aside, this is also why Glenn Beck was right about "social justice" not being part of Christian doctrine. Aforementioned One True Flavor of Christianity happens to, rather predictably, be the only sect in all of Christiandom that eschews social justice from its articles of faith.

LetUsBray December 6, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Yes, but my understanding is that Bleck is a Moron, and essentially advocating for Moronism.

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 7:56 pm

It's a peculiar right-wing version of Moronism that borrows heavily from Southern Baptist, AFAICT, and its favorite Neo-Confederate narratives of history, most likely to have traction with right-wing Evangelicals who would otherwise be calling him a heathen a bit more loudly- most Mormons I've met in real life, while still having a religion that's creepy as fuck, do still put a great deal of emphasis on social justice- young adults are required to do two years of mission work somewhere in there, and overwhelmingly, it's actually oriented towards actually fucking helping people, instead of proselytizing, at least amongst the ones I'd met.

I mean, he throws the occasional Mormonism in, but he's clearly orienting his tirades towards right-wing "Christian Conservatives", who are overwhelmingly Southern Baptist or heavily influenced by the same. It's sort of tragic that that particular and explicit betrayal of the values that marked the 19th-century Evangelical movement came to become one of the largest and most vocal sects of American Christianity by the late 20th century.

Gopherit December 6, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Jesus doesn't like to be involved in government, Chuck. Remember the "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's" bit? If you want to pray for something, pray for your reverse roundhouse. Jesus likes that kind of shit.

DoktorZoom December 6, 2010 at 9:59 pm

No, no, it's render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's–but nothing is, because Caesar isn't a natural born citizen and taxation is theft. You have to get the Conservative Asterisk Bible.

MadBrahms December 6, 2010 at 3:15 pm

A pastor would never misinterpret or exaggerate, and neither would a Norris-ified reproduction of his story, so it's obvious that Nobama has replaced all NPS employees with God-hating liberals hell-bent on gay-marrying all of us to grizzly bears, &c.

CapnFatback December 6, 2010 at 3:17 pm

While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand,

So confusing. Is Chuckles using "one" here to mean a generic, hypothetical person, or was someone in the group really swinging a Bible around? Cuz if it's the latter, the ranger had every right to throw a few shuriken in that guy's chest cuz, y'know, public safety.

anniegetyourfun December 6, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I read and re-read that paragraph a few times and still have no idea what he is saying. That's not English.

MiniMencken December 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Well, to be fair to the great theologian and Patristic writer, Chuckemon of Norris, good Christians can certainly own slaves. Among a number of New Testament passages, there is "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ," in Ephesians, 6:5. That, and about half of a dozen other similar passages were regularly quoted by Confederate Christians in support of the peculiar institution.

snoopyfan2010 December 6, 2010 at 7:29 pm

True, but what you can't find in the Bible is a passage dictating what race or ethinicity the slave must be.

ttommyunger December 6, 2010 at 9:36 pm

Or, slaves, get the living shit beaten out of you, or worse.

el_donaldo December 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Being a tour guide of some national monument or historically related place sounds like a pretty miserable job these days. Every day there's probably at least a couple morons on the tour trying to form idiotic teabagger talking points into passive aggressive question/statements: "Didn't Jefferson basically say to shoot all the liberal elites if they didn't leave the governing to pro-life Christian small business men who read Ayn Rand and have submissive spouses and straight children?"

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 3:37 pm

One of my best friends is a DC tour guide, and experienced this rather badly during Teabagpalooza 2010 this past August. Even beyond their dickbag politics, they are apparently also just simply unpleasant people, even for tourists.

I mean, you know how there's your winger relatives who are relatively fine as long as you take minimal care to steer the conversation away from politics, and then there's the wingers who make it a point to blurt out some right-wing idiocy in the middle of some other conversation? Like talking about the weather becomes a rant about how Al Gore made up global warming to destroy Christianity, talking about football becomes about how politically correct liberals want to render all men effeminate, etc.

Yeah, Teatards are apparently mostly the latter, but also with a healthy dose of undisguised racism thrown in (my friend in question is enough of a minority that nobody could really confuse him for being "one of us, so it's okay to tell you what I really think", etc, but that didn't stop most teabaggers from telling him precisely what was on their mind, race-wise.)

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Otoh, there was a thing in WaPo about the reenactors at historic Williamsburg putting teabaggers in their place, but also about teabaggers taking people who are basically improv actors way the fuck too seriously, considering.

finallyhappy December 6, 2010 at 4:55 pm

My two recent incidents- a guy wearing an "I love Vagina" hat- I guess that is his idea of a humorous play on I love Virginia- and his daughter was too young to read. Not a teabagger- just a moran. and during the Teatard visitations on DC- a girl wearing a shirt with foul language about the President. She was about 11- I had hopes of her and her family ending up in Anacostia- or actually most anywhere outside of the Mall – and getting the shit kicked out of them. I didn't see a story about it in the news so I guess it didn't happen

HedonismBot December 6, 2010 at 5:29 pm

And on top of that they can look forward to a pay freeze. Because, you know, federal employees are not human, so there's nothing wrong with destroying their individual economic ability to make some kind of ineffectual political point.

chickensmack December 6, 2010 at 3:26 pm

If he thinks those are lies, just wait until he hears about this crazy dude who allegedly died, but three days later was roaming around as if nothing happened.

BaldarTFlagass December 6, 2010 at 3:35 pm

I saw that film!! George Romero, right?

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Rob Leifield is already on the comic adaptation of that one.

You're welcome.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 3:55 pm

It'll be great to see Jesus with legs the same width as his waist balanced on feet the size of a baby's and carrying a gun that weighs more than he does, and Mary Magdalene with GGG-sized breasts and a stomach that's three inches wide and three feet long.

mumbly_joe December 6, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Dear Mr. Liefield,

SPINES DO NOT DO THAT

Sincerely,
A Concerned Reader.

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Which proves, among many other things, that Christians can't count to three. Unless there's a secret day-and-a-half in between Friday evening and Sunday morning that only they can see. No fucking wonder these idiots think cutting taxes increases revenue.

CalamityJames December 6, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Was that the 19th or 20th "hijacker"?

Ducksworthy December 6, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Maybe turning his cerebral cortex into scar tissue by using his head to break concrete blocks has given Chuckels unique insights into theological matters, or maybe he's an idiot.

jus_wonderin December 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Chuckels has an out of body experience, hourly.

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Why is it all these badass poseurs like Chuck Norris and Assity et. al. feel the need to invoke The LORD at every turn? Is it because they're not real men, capable of dealing with facts and reality, and therefore must call upon some imaginary power like a big wet nurse in the sky for their security and validation? I'm not saying they're sissies, per se — there could be a perfectly reasonable alternative explanation, such as they're vainglorious fools, or idiots. But we shouldn't avoid teaching the controversy.

chickensmack December 6, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Nope. You're absolutely right. We should build a theme park about it. And we should let the demonstrations tell the story; no sense of interpretive elements, or overarching hypothesis.

Funny, though… if that's the case, and if the newest Christian Theme Park can't generate the kind of attention that new Jesus fans need — and if these parks are a tacit admission that the market should help decide — if it fails to pay its bills, is that a refudiation of Christ?

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Maybe their religion is like their laissez-faire economics — you know, how the free market needs to be propped up sometimes with a good socialist set of legs (viz. the $800 billion Prosperity Bailout) every once in a while? Free-market Jesus just needs a little state support and coercion once in a while as well — because the LORD wants you to come to Him voluntarily, but that doesn't mean you should have other options.

chickensmack December 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Money really does keep the memories of our poor great-grandparents at bay, doesn't it? It also helps to exclude so much of our worldly experience, of the things that keep us culturally hypoxic.

I think that's what we're supposed to thank Jesus for the most… and ironically, it's the one thing that keeps us the furthest from everyone else.

SayItWithWookies December 6, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Thank you Jesus, for giving me the werewithal to stay away from those filthy bedraggled poor…such as yourself.

DaSandman December 6, 2010 at 3:44 pm

He has a chaplin? What is he, the fucking Pope?

I guess this is what comes of one too many kicks to the head.

chickensmack December 6, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Oona O'Neill had a Chaplin once…

Not_So_Much December 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm

I want Chuck to attempt a badass round-house and shatter his hip, fall to the ground in agony and shout "I can't get up!" Isn't he nearly 100 now?

PublicLuxury December 6, 2010 at 4:25 pm

I think you meant: Shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up." Then he presses the button on the pretty mobility necklace he wears and a scooter rolls up to retrieve him. Or not.

CrunchyKnee December 6, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Under Chuck Norris' scalp is a fist instead of a brain.

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Chuck Norris once hit a guy so hard he turned him religious.

metamarcisf December 6, 2010 at 3:52 pm

I want my child to learn more about these supposed Founding Foreskins.

fuflans December 6, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I wonder – if the founders could see us today – would they just say 'fuck all' and head back to europe?

bitchincamaro2 December 6, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Not without checking the exchange rate first.

*rim-shot*

Native_of_SL_UT December 6, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Chuck Norris is so fast he can race around the world and punch himself in the back of the head….which he obviously has done too many times.

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Chuck Norris is so strong he can make up iron-clad lies about the National Park Service.

donner_froh December 6, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Sammo Hung Kam-Bo could so kick his ass–and Sammo is about 100 lbs over his fighting weight which was pretty substantial.

Hell, any second rate Hong Kong stuntman from the 1970s could knock Chuck Norris into next week.

Maybe one of them could come over here and tell us how to talk about the Liberty Bell.

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:51 pm

God, Sammo Hung is so, so awesome. I forget the name of a movie he was in, but I watched it about 1 mil. times when I was much younger. All I remember now was explosions and a jeep or something.

donner_froh December 6, 2010 at 4:08 pm

While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand

The chance of anything like that happening is zero.

StillGoinGreen December 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm

The story is the new truth. Things don't ACTUALLY need to happen to cause outrage. You know, like Republicans don't ACTUALLY have to give a shit about the middle class to get them to vote for them – they just need to protect the American Dream – by allowing corporations to place far more restrictions on small business than the government could in a lifetime!!

MaxUdargo December 6, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Yes, that was my thought. I'll assign this story about as much credibility as I assign those glurges I get from relatives in my email about how some Christian college student made a fool out of an intolerant, screaming, red-faced biology professor.

But as StillGoinGreen points out, there are different concepts of "truth." For some, it is merely facts, empirical evidence, and things that really happened. For others, there is a deeper truth that is revealed through fables, parables, fantasies and lies. And for people like Norris, it doesn't matter if the incident he describes never happened. It doesn't matter if he made it up himself out of whole cloth. It's still the truth.

donner_froh December 6, 2010 at 4:38 pm

After looking at the post again and realizing that the source was World News Daily I realize that every word, punctuation mark and line break on it was a lie.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Eh, there were several commas with a reasonable amount of credibility.

No, I'm wrong.

StillGoinGreen December 6, 2010 at 4:49 pm

For that movement as a whole – it is better if it IS NOT actually factual. Actuality limits the boundaries to which outrage can be expressed.

Fact: Obama introduces healthcare bill – outrage about healthcare bill

Rumor: Obama is a Muslim atheist – limitless outrage

The problem doesn't really lie with the fucksticks like Palin and Norris – they have a clear agenda, the problem is that nobody fact checks ANYTHING anymore – the truth is no longer necessary.

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 5:34 pm

And Chuck didn't actually see this thing happen, he's just reporting what he heard from his "pastor." What pastor hasn't resorted to spicing up an anecdote a bit to get 'em all worked up in the aisles? "I heard it from my girlfriend's cousin's Sunday school teacher who knows Chuck Norris's pastor" will be the new urban myth validating clause.

LetUsBray December 6, 2010 at 7:50 pm

So what does Chuck Norris' poster say about Richard Gere and the gerbil?

finallyhappy December 6, 2010 at 4:57 pm

you are correct, of course, but why would you think Chuck Norris or any teabagger would resort to facts?

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:53 pm

That was my exact thought when I saw this. When my grandmother was alive, she'd sent out the crazy winger/christian emails and every time I would think "There is no way in hell Pelosi/Obama/Whoever said or did whatever they are attributing to them." Snopes backed me up every time.

People don't act in the way Right-Wing Christians write. I THOUGHT LYING WAS KINDA A NO-NO.

MaxUdargo December 6, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Well, we certainly don't know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist. I mean, just because it says in his autobiography that he was a deist doesn't mean he was a deist. What do we really know about the guy who wrote Benjamin Franklin's autobiography? What was his agenda?

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Typical revisionist bullshit is what it is.

philpjfry December 6, 2010 at 4:20 pm

How can somebody be more insulted by some supposedly ommitted words, and yet think war and killing ae OK? Jerkoff

PublicLuxury December 6, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Ricky Ranger roundhouse kicked the fundies while screaming, "I don't get paid enough to put up with this shit!"

Jesus wept.

Syphilis Sarah's head spun around

Angels rejoiced

Pragmatist2 December 6, 2010 at 4:27 pm

My God, what falsehoods!
Next they will tell us that Norris' real name is Carlos and that he fathered a child during an extramarital relationship!
And then they will tell us that Yogi Bear is NOT smarter than the average bear.
Damnable Park Rangers!

ragnarok4msm December 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm

LAUGH ALL YOU WANT. I speak quietly when the Chuck comes up.He once ran so fast HE PUNCHED HIS OWN SELF IN THE BACK~ Chuckalonias3-4

magic_titty December 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Chuck Norris is that guy I always confuse with Charles Bronson, right?

HedonismBot December 6, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Anybody who would associate religion with nature so closely must be some kind of pagan. Sounds like Chuck Norris needs to make an "I'm Not a Witch" ad. I'm sure a certain unemployed Delaware lady would help him in exchange for rent money.

V572625694 December 6, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Now how hard I think or search, I can't come up with a gayer moniker than "Pastor Todd DuBord." It's the "pastor" that really makes it fabulous.

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm

His brother, Deacon Rod Humpfries, would like a word with you.

Jukesgrrl December 6, 2010 at 4:53 pm

The Texas Ranger of TV fame had an African-American sidekick (probably ordered by the network) who required Chuck to rescue him from a jam every week. Chuck, no doubt, thinks the presidency works this way, too.

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Chuck Norris killed Jesus so hard, it took Him THREE DAYS to Rise from the Dead!!!!!!!

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:03 pm

If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, that water would have been changed to 100% pure Tennessee sipping whiskey.

foog December 7, 2010 at 12:09 am

If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, then God would be inconsolable since there is no one else who could fill the vacant position of "Vengeful Fist of an Angry God".

…that and whiny motherfuckers wouldn't o' had no loaves and fishes, but a multitude of roundhouse kicks to learn 'em to go looking for a handout. BoooYEAH!

JustPixelz December 6, 2010 at 5:04 pm

“We have no record that George Washington ever attended church.”

That's exactly the kind of godless, secularism we've come to expect from Washington.

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:05 pm

If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, those little snack crackers you get in Catholic Church would transubstantiate into crusty San Francisco Sourdough bagettes, with a side of fresh crab and French cheeses.

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:06 pm

If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, Saint Paul would only have denied Him ONCE — after which He would have roundhouse kicked Paul so hard his name would have changed back to Saul.

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Peter, not Paul.

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Don't be a fucking dumbass: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Peter#Denial_o

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Whoops. Mixed up my Saints, and then responded to the wrong comment.

One Point for you.

No, no, let's be fair: Two Points.

Rev. Neilist
First Church of Chuck – Norris

Neilist December 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, that "bright light on the road to Damacus" would have been the airburst of a 200 kiloton Mark 78 warhead.

[I can keep going. But in His Name, I won't.]

elpinche December 6, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Bruce Lee should have finished his ass .

petehammer December 6, 2010 at 5:55 pm

1 mil. pee points. Maybe he did later and CN had him killed? Bruce Lee death conspiracy solved!

JoshuaNorton December 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm

You'd thunk that anyone as wise and learned as old Chuckles would know automatically that one of the FREAKING FOUNDING FATHERS HIMSELF told us that "the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion"

I guess lying for Jesus is the 'christian' thing to do.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treaty_of_Tripoli

PS Don't tell him that Christmas was banned in America for the longest time at the beginning. Not by any representative of the American Civil Liberties Union, but by Christians themselves. His head will literally 'splode. Literally I tells ya'.

DoktorZoom December 6, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Adams had his fingers crossed when he wrote that. It's OK to fib to Muslins, anyway.

slappypaddy December 6, 2010 at 6:11 pm

they're getting their money's worth out of you today, jack. will there be an extra can of hobo beans in your xmas stocking?

bitchincamaro2 December 6, 2010 at 6:16 pm

I'll have to remember Chuck's trick; the next time I tour the Holy Land, I'll make sure I harangue the poor bastard with the park ranger skull cap about the American constitution. Chuck you, Farley.

pbasch December 6, 2010 at 6:40 pm

All well and good. BUT – If those tour guide quotes are for real, that poor bastard sounds like a bored prankster. Those quotes don't sound like official tour material. I'm guessing the guide recognized his tour-taker and decided to goad him. Of course, what he said is true, but still…

anniegetyourfun December 6, 2010 at 6:46 pm

I like how he tacked Ronald Reagan on at the end there. It wouldn't have counted as Full Retard if he hadn't.

elfgoldsackring December 6, 2010 at 7:09 pm

Oh sweet Jeebus, the 'chaplain' is charging people to read the whole correspondence on his webshite:
http://nationaltreasures.org/CR_IndHall.html

cheaphits December 6, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Chuck believes whatever he believes, but he was never a "Big Name" and his fan base has to be aging. Time to market yourself again, Chuck?

Maybe one last action flic now that "Walker's" in reruns – "Return to Grenada" will feature Chuck training his feisty, scooter bound brigade to "Remember Reagan" while returning to free his old commandos held by Islamic terrorists since 1983 in the hell-hole Isle of Spice.

Or, maybe just a book – "How Jesus Helped Me Kick the Piss Out of People for Fun and Profit".

ttommyunger December 6, 2010 at 9:49 pm

I've had the misfortune to know several "Chaplains" over the years. They glom onto Police Departments, Fire Stations and Scout Troops (wonder what the attraction is there?). They are usually backsliders who have fucked or drank their way out of honest clergy positions and find themselves in some twilight zone between the secular and religious where they feel they can act out any way they please with impunity from either sector. I call it "mutual immunity". They are basically dicks. This jerkwad is no exception, I'm sure. I wonder if Mike Hickabee is jealous.

JackObin December 6, 2010 at 9:51 pm

The fact that Chuck Norris has a public voice proves there is no god.

tribbzthesquidz December 6, 2010 at 10:52 pm

Tried taking the offspring to karate for a while. Turned out to be a front for a semi-mega-church nearby. We took a quick leave from the Khristian Karate Klub.

Negropolis December 6, 2010 at 11:43 pm

I vote for "never happened." I'd guess that maybe two of those five things could have been said, but all in all, I'm just going to say that Chuck made some shit up.

Chuck is tough as hell, though. Apparently, he can even destroy logic and reason with his bare hands.

mavenmaven December 7, 2010 at 8:10 am

Chuck Norris is not a true American. His mind is altered by atheist foreign "karate", a cult that believes in demon "qi" gods. A true American would be training in fisticuffs.

thefrontpage December 7, 2010 at 10:54 am

It's been obvious for quite some time–about the last 25 years–that Chuck "Idiot and Moron" Norris suffered a few too many roundhouse kicks to the head.

Chuck Norris is an idiot and a moron.

And he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

CZL December 6, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Throatwarbler Mangrove.

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 4:51 pm

Good, I was to find this old list of Rob's 40 worst drawings, with commentary: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/robliefeld.ht

chickensmack December 6, 2010 at 5:08 pm

You'll be a preacher some day.

user-of-owls December 6, 2010 at 5:56 pm

The water filter? Geez, Wonkette never ceases to reveal new and more bizarre fetishes to me.

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 6:04 pm

pics or gtfo!!

Radiotherapy December 6, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Wookies, they are the most insecure people.
"Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich"

SorosBot December 6, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Now that I'm home, here you go; NSFW obviously: http://www.moviesnxs.com/web/gallery/results.php?…

Crank_Tango December 6, 2010 at 6:42 pm

I p on your wall with a thousand dicks, my friend.

user-of-owls December 6, 2010 at 7:54 pm

I don't see any hot filter on ion action here. What's your game, man?

Terry December 6, 2010 at 8:48 pm

I plan on haunting the beans out of anyone who tries to posthumously convert me. Banshee style haunting with lots of screeching and flying around.

natoslug December 6, 2010 at 10:22 pm

I married a Mormon, and finally broke her a few years back (thanks to the tastiness of the demon rum, and perhaps the slow, insidious creeping influence of reality). When she finally realized that what she had been raised to believe was, well, complete bullshit (her words, not mine), she sent off a letter to the church. In short, they have in their records a copy of a letter that states that we, and our descendants, want nothing to do with them and that they are not to have any contact with us. Considering their obsession with recordkeeping, any souls that we may have should be free of their dead person stew pots baptisms for the dead. The only downside to all this is that I no longer get to torture missionaries on a weekly basis.

Chet Kincaid December 6, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Ha, what's the point of being dead if you can't fuck with the living?

natoslug December 6, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Yes, I've frequently enjoyed the beautiful melodies of Sublime's Santeria, although it's really the lyrics that do it for me. The line about popping a cap in Sancho's ass is what really brings a tear to my eye. Sniff!

(Yes, the slug IS master of the obtuse. Why do you ask?)

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