the chuck norris op-ed lever

Chuck Norris: Atheist National Park Service Sullying Founding Fathers

THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE BOY SCOUTS, ALSO!Chuck Norris has a personal pastor for all of his various organization, because, well, karate needs pastors, of course. But when that pastor visited Independence Hall in Philadelphia to learn about the religion of our nation’s founding fathers, he instead was led on a tour by a guide who, rudely, only talked about the Constitution and forming a republic and the Liberty Bell and such. But doesn’t the National Park Service, which oversees the historic site, know that Christianity is the most important aspect of everything that is good in the world, such as white men like the founding fathers? Sounds like those pine-tree jockeys need some sense uppercutted into them.

If there’s one thing Chuck cares about, besides Jesus, it’s context:

Last week, I detailed seven occasions in the past few months at which President Obama omitted the words “by their Creator” from direct quotes of the Declaration of Independence


Recently, my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations, Todd DuBord, was on a tour of Independence Hall with David Barton, Jim Garlow and dozens of others. When the National Park Service guide leading their group blurted out five unbelievable lies and distortions about our founders’ religious beliefs and history, with school-aged children present as well in the room:

“We have no record that George Washington ever attended church.”

While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand, he said to the crowd: “Even if I said the founders were Christians, how could we really know? Just because people carry a big ol’ Bible in their hand, they can still be atheists!”

“Most of these men owned slaves. How could good Christians do that?”

“We know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist.”

“We don’t really know for sure about their religion. It’s open for interpretation. You’ll have to do your own study on that.”

With school-aged children there. All of them quickly ripped off their Benjamin Franklin t-shirts, threw down their George Washington lunchboxes, and changed the Aaron Burr ringtones on their cell phones. How could it be? Some of these men had questioned faith in the official religion of the society they left behind? CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE RUINED FOREVER.

As we all know, the founding fathers devoted approximately 99% of their lives to being good Christians. The other 1%, when they were simultaneously relieving themselves in the chamber pot, was when they set up a new country and kicked a worldwide trend toward liberal democracy into gear. Sorry, roundhouse-kicked a worldwide trend toward Jesus democracy into gear. [WND]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. JimmyPete

      I find it hard to believe that a Park service worker would mock religion or hunch over with a "big ole bible" maybe they were baited or more likely it never happened.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I'll vote for "never happened", but it's hard to get people worked up in to a proper hate with the truth. Cmon, the midterm elections would have never turned out the way they did, if it wasn't for the fact that Obama instituted the largest tax increase the history of the world and took everyone's guns away.

        1. JimmyPete

          Yeah that death panelist , Muslim , socialist , Pakistan visiting Kenyan but ultimately the Libs and the Dems need to realize that the old rules are out. Chain mails and Fox needs to be countered at every step and if you snooze you lose. You should see the crap that comes into my office everyday. The people who are most affected by the Repub agenda have completely turned on Obama because of almost a daily pounding of right wing chain mails . It's not enough to be on Crooks and Liars, cause they don't read this. Snopes and Politifact do a good job but I really think a clearing house site would be helpful,

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Had Chuck Norris been cast as 'Walter Sobczak', the Dude would have been administered, properly, a round-house kick to the face after that little remark questioning Walter's knowledge of domestic animal laws.

  1. x111e7thst

    This morning I felt an intense desire to roundhouse kick a white christian into a chamber pot. Does this make me a bad person?

    1. user-of-owls

      Just as long as you're not a fucking Deist. I'm circulating a petition calling on Christians to protest Deism by boycotting kites and electricity.

      1. SorosBot

        They'd have to avoid quoting the Declaration of Independence too; and since the abstract, non-denominational "creator" references there are the only real things they have to go on in the bullshit claims that America is a "Christian nation" they'll be stuck to nothing but making up quotes (which they do a lot anyway).

    2. HedonismBot

      Into a chamberpot?? Where does one find a chamberpot? I have no idea what an Amish person could have done to piss you off, but I think attacking one is pretty low, given they are pacifists and all.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      a bad 'christian' maybe but a GREAT human being! btw, thanks Chuck for including yer e-mail address on yer stoopid web page…here's my personal reply

      "Dear Chucky, looks like *someone* has taken a few too many kicks to the head, eh? Take your Neanderthal brain back to the Stone Age ya freakin' moron…and I'm glad Bruce Lee kicked your sorry dumb ass all over the big screen (now THERE'S a TRUE 'Merkan hero!…also :)

  2. SexySmurf

    Patrick Henry kept his wife locked in the cellar, and Thomas Jefferson raped underage girls. Obviously they were Christians.

  3. facehead

    Chuck Norris could beat the shit out of cancer and kill it, but he's having too much fun tearing atheism a new asshole.*

    * butthole (for school-aged Wonketteers).

    [EDIT–WTF happened to all my 'p' points, did Stuef steal them to try and cure Beiber fever? This is why I can't have nice things!]

    1. Barrelhse

      I lost a bunch, too, although I have no recollection of redeeming them for anything. I assumed that I must have said something absolutely hilarious and offended someone.

    2. JoshuaNorton

      We all got pee point hosed. I had literally hundreds of millions of points suddenly disappear faster than Lehman Brothers bottom line.

      1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

        I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative pee-values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace our lesbian canard faster than Margaret Cho in a Subaru dealership.

    3. foog

      Every time you even THINK of commenting in this thread, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the head off your p-points, lowering your score and adding to his already infinite awesome.

    4. ph7

      I had 40 points disappear a half hour after I made fun of the Pope. I was thinking there was a divine correlation, the start of my ephipany which would lead to a lack of cynicism and condescension this Xmas season. Either that, or that Catholic League rounded up all the old nuns to log on and vote thumbs down on every Wonketteer.

      Of course, as always, I find there is a scientific answer, so I can go back to being smug.

  4. CapnFatback

    Well, I get the outrage. If there's anything you don't want school-age children learning, it's the truth. I mean, they're so impressionable.

  5. HistoriCat

    Being a park ranger there must really suck. Having to throw cold water on teatard delusions must be like wearing a giant "kick me" sign.

    1. SorosBot

      It does today anyway, it's just above freezing with insanely high winds; and the park areas get the wind much worse than regular streets.

  6. MissTaken

    I bet Chuck's organizations are actually churches so they don't have to pay taxes. Which is good because I hear taxes go to pay for national parks where the guides go around telling school-aged children the founding fathers weren't good Christians.

  7. Crank_Tango

    Also up for outrage, a guide at Dachau would not confirm the truth that Nazis were actually communist muslin homocrats.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Bruce Lee kicked Chuck's ass in Return of the Dragon back in '72 and Chuck hasn't been the same since then.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      great minds and all, here's the e-mail I just sent to lil Chuck, not too snarky but I just HAD to bring up Bruce since I know it must STILL piss him off…"Dear Chucky, looks like *someone* has taken a few too many kicks to the head, eh? Take your Neanderthal brain back to the Stone Age ya freakin' moron…and I'm glad Bruce Lee kicked your sorry dumb ass all over the big screen (now THERE'S a TRUE 'Merkan hero!…also :)

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Now I have visions of that Mountain Dew commercial where he threatens the lives of them hackers.

  9. MinAgain

    “We know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist.”

    And a total horndog. Still, the Lord doth love a cheerful giver.

  10. CapnFatback

    By the way, the Park Ranger telling a Christian group this:

    “Most of these men owned slaves. How could good Christians do that?”

    is simply fuckin' awesome.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      That's actually the one piece of evidence that suggests they were Christians. The Bible's just chuck full-a tasty tidbits about the proper way to beat your slaves (never on the Sabbath) and the proper means to sell your daughter into shackles for lucre.

      Jesus loves the little children~

      1. Negropolis

        Even worse, unlike a lot of stuff in the Bible, this not only comes in the New Testament, but it comes from the mouth of Jesus, himself.

        What times, when the debate wasn't over slavery, but how to "properly" treat ones slave(s). To be fair, a lot of slavery practiced in ancient times bares only passing semblence to the brutality that was purely race-based African chattel slavery, which also had the extra knock against it that this was during or after the Enlightenment when we were supposed to have known better. Meh.

  11. Maman

    As we know when talking to school-age children it is best to whitewash the story as much as possible. Otherwise, they might get interested in History and other book learning.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Either that or the sound of a single pistol shot and then a "thud" as Hamilton hits the ground.

        1. SmutBoffin

          "Thou hast been PWNED, accursed mounteback of democratic thought! Now give it up for His Burr-ness!"

  12. PsycWench

    It didn't occur to Chuck Norris that an experienced National Park Service guide might know what he was talking about and a washed-up martial artist might not? Strange.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I think it's safe to assume that Chuckles is trying to imply that the park ranger has been indoctrinated by the Atheist Agenda. Honestly, I'm surprised that he didn't say that the park ranger claimed that the Founding Fathers were all gay Muslins.

    1. V572625694

      You know, until the previous Palin post, I thought we might make it through a Palin-less Monday. No such luck, though.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm not a Jew, and I never will be! I'm not a kike, a yid, a heebe, nor a hooknose! I'm not kosher! I'm no Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

    2. V572625694

      Not to mention "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin." What kind of Commie/Ghey bullshit is that?

      The Sermon on the Mount? Whu?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        It is easier to trot a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Unless you're rich enough to build a giant needle.

        1. SorosBot

          At my private Catholic school, where the vast majority of the parents were really rich, one of the religion teachers claimed the "eye of a needle" probably really referred to a gate that would be hard, but not impossible, for a camel to go through. Way to reassure the spoiled rich kids!

          1. charlesdegoal

            I've heard that one, and the one that says that "camel" actually means "rope". Those Xtians are so lacking in imagination – why do they need to take everything literally? Gimme Greek mythology or Hinduism any day. For reality, we've got the NYTimes.

          2. SayItWithWookies

            Oh, of course — because as any writer or reader knows, the power of hyperbole lies in its nuanced take that can have many different meanings and wouldn't dare say one thing in an overly emphatic way. Also, the rich must be the most frickin insecure bunch of people in the world.

          3. Radiotherapy

            Wookies, they are the most insecure people.
            "Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich"

  13. slithytoves

    Remembering the role of religion in our republic is why I included an entire chapter on the subject (titled, "From Here to Eternity") in my New York Times best seller, "Black Belt Patriotism.

    You just can't make this shit up.

    1. Terry

      Not sure how these guys missed the whole part about the Founding Fathers not being enamored with organized religion after their experiences with Europe. Either they were home schooled, attended Texas public schools, or were stoned or sat there in class with their fingers in their ears while humming.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "From Here to Eternity"

      In which he kicks the shit out of Deborah Kerr on the beach at Waikiki.

      1. V572625694

        And then rests His arms on the smoking hot barrels of the AA guns after shooting down a few Jap Zeros.

  14. weejee

    In the book horsepuckey in the great book of Teatarded Proverbs it says that each and all the founding fathers were Jeebus loving, Jew & Muslin' hating, Xtains. The fact that most of the FF superstars expressed religion was that it was a in fact or de facto requirement to get elected (kinda like today, too, also). Some of the more spiritual were Deists, but a good number agnostics. and few closet atheists.

  15. edgydrifter

    Jesus must really be looking forward to the day when he can sit at Chuck Norris' feet in Heaven.

      1. Terry

        Norris' eternal torment is going to be having to continually fight…and always lose to….a vegan, pagan, hippie chick who weighs about 90 lbs and has hairy armpits and multiple piercings.

  16. natoslug

    Chuck Norris: Lousy actor, worse human being. The delay in bringing our FEMA death camps online is really starting to chap my ass. I'm gonna need a bigger blistex.

    If I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to point out that there are plenty of Christians out there who aren't completely retarded fuckwads (a number of them here amongst us, I'm sure). Unfortunately, I'm also pretty sure somewhere in the bible it says "don't be an asshole about your religion and life in general," which is why the non-CRF Christians are not the examples of Christianity that stand out. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah — I need a drink. Maybe there was more, but religion just depresses and angers me at this point.

    1. Terry

      "a number of them here amongst us, I'm sure"

      Many fundy Xtians don't count Catholics as Christians as they feel we worship the Pope and saints rather than God. Fundies only like Catholics when the topic is abortion. Death penalty, not so much.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        You Papists also believe the Pope's grocery lists are as divine as the Good Book. You have sanctioned all kinds of devil worship in the Cathedral by winking at the savages in Haiti, Cuba and Brazil when they "align" their heathen spirits with your Saints. And you allow for magic words said after you're unconscious to guarantee salvation, as opposed to genuine, self-lobotomizing repentance. In general, priests are like high-priced brokers who won't tell you what they're doing with your money, while fun-deism is e-trade. Here is a Jack T. Chick tract that will explain all this in simple cartoons,…. and perhaps move you to prostration before an Angry and Loving God, otherwise, "depart from me I never knew you!!"

        (Good to know I can just flip a switch and it all comes back!)

        1. Terry

          You know, of course, that whole infallibility thing was invented by a Pope when the Cardinals were getting out of line, right? It's been invoked just a couple times. Mostly, it's something that Protestants get huffy over and Catholics, other than rabid new converts, just short of shrug about.

          It's not just the Latinos who migrated their pagan deities into Catholicism. In Ireland, there are a slew of springs, wells, and mountain tops that are "holy" and associated with a saint who probably never visited the spot. Turn out, those spots had been sacred sites for the Celts.

          On the anointing of the sick or dead, I agree with you. After you've lost your own ability to repent, the stuff that happens is mainly theater for the surviving friends and family including the funeral.

          1. HistoriCat

            I figure it really doesn't matter – somewhere down the road, a Mormon will posthumously convert you anyway.

            BTW, I think that may be the most genius idea ever in religious persuasion; you can convert to Mormonism AND make sure Grandpa comes along for the ride!

          2. Terry

            I plan on haunting the beans out of anyone who tries to posthumously convert me. Banshee style haunting with lots of screeching and flying around.

          3. natoslug

            I married a Mormon, and finally broke her a few years back (thanks to the tastiness of the demon rum, and perhaps the slow, insidious creeping influence of reality). When she finally realized that what she had been raised to believe was, well, complete bullshit (her words, not mine), she sent off a letter to the church. In short, they have in their records a copy of a letter that states that we, and our descendants, want nothing to do with them and that they are not to have any contact with us. Considering their obsession with recordkeeping, any souls that we may have should be free of their dead person stew pots baptisms for the dead. The only downside to all this is that I no longer get to torture missionaries on a weekly basis.

          4. Chet Kincaid

            I was thinking of Vodou in Haiti, Santeria in Cuba and Candomble in Brazil, all of which include worship of deities of the Nigerian Yoruba people via slavery, and all of which the Catholic Church has tried to co-opt through conflation with Saints.

            Off-topic, but on-Chet-enthusiasms, the music of both Santeria and Candomble is wonderful. The Cuban songs of Santeria are beautiful melodies, and many of the same songs are sung in Candomble. And the Cuban bata drum rhythms are ingeniously complex.

          5. natoslug

            Yes, I've frequently enjoyed the beautiful melodies of Sublime's Santeria, although it's really the lyrics that do it for me. The line about popping a cap in Sancho's ass is what really brings a tear to my eye. Sniff!

            (Yes, the slug IS master of the obtuse. Why do you ask?)

    2. Gorillionaire

      Jesus also told his disciples to sell off all of their nice clothes and doo-dads at home and give it all to the poor and the elderly, and he pretty clearly meant "not tomorrow" or "not when you die".

    3. marinmaven

      An old local lefty radio talkshow host Ray Taliafaro said once and it was sampled in a Negativland album, "Why do good white people, allow all the bad white people to pick on women and minorities, why do they do that?"

      That has always been my question to Christians, 'Why do the good Christians, let the bad Christians to pick on gays, kids, women, non-Christians, and people who say "Happy Holidays"? I left Christianity when I was unable to change things from the inside. Progressive and reasonable Christians are outnumbered and have zero power. The bad Christians run the show, there is no point giving them legitimacy by increasing their number.

      Christianity brings a lot of pain and ignorance rather than comfort and light. They are a major force in undermining science and hostility toward reality-based thinking.

      I am tired of Christians playing the victim card, pretending they are the only one here and victimizing others. They free to worship and believe what they want, but they need to mind their own business.

      1. SorosBot

        Similarly, I wonder why it that when a Muslim does something bad, every single Muslim in the world has to apologize for it; yet when a Christian does something bad (like say raping children and covering it up, or assassinating doctors who perform abortions) no other Christians, or even members of the same sect, ever make any move to apologize.

        1. finallyhappy

          Duh, because they are Muslims, they have to apologize for existing. Christians are good even when they rape kids, murder drs or blow up buildings. It's about believing in Jesus- even if you are a child molester, serial killler, bigot, racist, serial divorcer and/or lying asshole. I think you need to watch Fox News- I never will- but as you can see, I already understand their major point..

  17. HempDogbane

    George Washington had a wooden dick, and Ben Franklin was a dentist? You take that back now, Park Service !

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    In this country these days, being a park ranger must be the intellectual equivalent of being an orderly in an insane asylum. I can't imagine having to keep a straight face when some fundy tried to argue with me that the Vishnu Schist at the bottom of the Grand Canyon is but 6,000 years old.

    But at least they can carry sidearms.

      1. finallyhappy

        The rule is you don't argue- you just explain the facts- but you can ask/require that they(the morans) not lecture others with their insane crap(but one does not put it that way). Also most Park service personnel- the ones who give tours- do not carry weapons(unfortunately)

  19. prommie

    I wish they still gave a copy of the "Jefferson Bible" to all incoming congress members. The fucktards' heads would explode.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      If they had it, they wouldn't read it. If they read it, they wouldn't understand it or recognize any difference from the one their stepfathers beat them with. If they understood it, they'd pretend not to in public so's to keep the gravy train going. &c.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        Exactly! And that goes for both sides of the aisle right now. The liberal movement is as dead as the truth – or the original vision of the "shining city on the hill". The only thing that remains is the mistold stories of St Ronnie and his twisted version of how the trickle would make the city glow. The democrats don't stand up for anything right now because they don't stand for anything anymore. We are now the party of Nuh Uh!!

        1. Radiotherapy

          It's fucking sad. The whole goal was to cut taxes on the rich. And the Dems were complicit, to what degree I don't know, but they were complicit in this smoke and mirror show. What they don't realize is that by backing down, it's still not enough.

    1. Crank_Tango

      are you in AZ? I guess the zip code could tell me, but I am going by the use of "anymore" where I would say "nowadays."

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Quote: "If I have nothing good to say about a person, then I will say nothing."

      Chuck Norris in The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book, page 5. Apparently he doesn't follow his own principles anymore, based on his comments about the park ranger.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I heard he used to have tons of dudes in sailor suits waiting outside his dressing room. Might have been Freddie Mercury, but really, what's the difference?

  20. Allmighty_Manos

    If the Founding Father weren't serious Christians then why is Jesus mentioned so many times in the Constitution?

  21. SmutBoffin

    Just in time for some Republican-orchestrated congressional hearings!

    SPKR. BOEHNER: Did you tell your tour group, Mr. Park Service Guide, that General Washington didn't bludgeon Gernal Cornwallis with a giant dildo (made in Christ's image), in total contradiction of HISTORICAL CHRISTIAN FACT?

    PARK SERVICE GUIDE: That is correct. That event never happened. It is also not true that the secret of lightning was revealed to Benjamin Franklin by the heavenly angels sent to caress his genitalia and warn him about the threat of the muslins.

  22. fundamentallybroken

    I clicked through to WND, and found that Wonkette pretty much quoted the whole content of the op-ed. Beyond that, it was just a goddamn shill for Chuck's bible textbook.

    I want my money back.

  23. savethispatient

    If the founding fathers were good Christians, they would not have created an independent country in direct contradiction to the will of King George, who ruled them by Divine Right.

    1. BarryOPotter

      "Logic, facts, rationality, these we will cast 'pon the ground and ignore their unheeded pleas of 'Treadest Not 'Pon Me! Verily, I say, 'tis written, but you need not concern yourself with the where, for what I have said is as truthy as any divine gospel."

      -Excerpt from "A Letter from Chuckus Norristhian to the Xtain Hordes"

  24. AntonovBureau

    Founding fathers? What the heck is that? Everyone knows Jeebus wrote the constitution.

    Praise be to God.

  25. mumbly_joe

    The nerve of that tour guide! Everyone knows that the One True strain of Christianity is the one that was founded in the 1840's expressly in an attempt to reconcile the practice of owning human beings like cattle with the rest of Evangelical doctrine, i.e, Southern Baptist.

    As an aside, this is also why Glenn Beck was right about "social justice" not being part of Christian doctrine. Aforementioned One True Flavor of Christianity happens to, rather predictably, be the only sect in all of Christiandom that eschews social justice from its articles of faith.

      1. mumbly_joe

        It's a peculiar right-wing version of Moronism that borrows heavily from Southern Baptist, AFAICT, and its favorite Neo-Confederate narratives of history, most likely to have traction with right-wing Evangelicals who would otherwise be calling him a heathen a bit more loudly- most Mormons I've met in real life, while still having a religion that's creepy as fuck, do still put a great deal of emphasis on social justice- young adults are required to do two years of mission work somewhere in there, and overwhelmingly, it's actually oriented towards actually fucking helping people, instead of proselytizing, at least amongst the ones I'd met.

        I mean, he throws the occasional Mormonism in, but he's clearly orienting his tirades towards right-wing "Christian Conservatives", who are overwhelmingly Southern Baptist or heavily influenced by the same. It's sort of tragic that that particular and explicit betrayal of the values that marked the 19th-century Evangelical movement came to become one of the largest and most vocal sects of American Christianity by the late 20th century.

  26. Gopherit

    Jesus doesn't like to be involved in government, Chuck. Remember the "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's" bit? If you want to pray for something, pray for your reverse roundhouse. Jesus likes that kind of shit.

    1. DoktorZoom

      No, no, it's render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's–but nothing is, because Caesar isn't a natural born citizen and taxation is theft. You have to get the Conservative Asterisk Bible.

  27. MadBrahms

    A pastor would never misinterpret or exaggerate, and neither would a Norris-ified reproduction of his story, so it's obvious that Nobama has replaced all NPS employees with God-hating liberals hell-bent on gay-marrying all of us to grizzly bears, &c.

  28. CapnFatback

    While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand,

    So confusing. Is Chuckles using "one" here to mean a generic, hypothetical person, or was someone in the group really swinging a Bible around? Cuz if it's the latter, the ranger had every right to throw a few shuriken in that guy's chest cuz, y'know, public safety.

    1. anniegetyourfun

      I read and re-read that paragraph a few times and still have no idea what he is saying. That's not English.

  29. MiniMencken

    Well, to be fair to the great theologian and Patristic writer, Chuckemon of Norris, good Christians can certainly own slaves. Among a number of New Testament passages, there is "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ," in Ephesians, 6:5. That, and about half of a dozen other similar passages were regularly quoted by Confederate Christians in support of the peculiar institution.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      True, but what you can't find in the Bible is a passage dictating what race or ethinicity the slave must be.

  30. el_donaldo

    Being a tour guide of some national monument or historically related place sounds like a pretty miserable job these days. Every day there's probably at least a couple morons on the tour trying to form idiotic teabagger talking points into passive aggressive question/statements: "Didn't Jefferson basically say to shoot all the liberal elites if they didn't leave the governing to pro-life Christian small business men who read Ayn Rand and have submissive spouses and straight children?"

    1. mumbly_joe

      One of my best friends is a DC tour guide, and experienced this rather badly during Teabagpalooza 2010 this past August. Even beyond their dickbag politics, they are apparently also just simply unpleasant people, even for tourists.

      I mean, you know how there's your winger relatives who are relatively fine as long as you take minimal care to steer the conversation away from politics, and then there's the wingers who make it a point to blurt out some right-wing idiocy in the middle of some other conversation? Like talking about the weather becomes a rant about how Al Gore made up global warming to destroy Christianity, talking about football becomes about how politically correct liberals want to render all men effeminate, etc.

      Yeah, Teatards are apparently mostly the latter, but also with a healthy dose of undisguised racism thrown in (my friend in question is enough of a minority that nobody could really confuse him for being "one of us, so it's okay to tell you what I really think", etc, but that didn't stop most teabaggers from telling him precisely what was on their mind, race-wise.)

    2. mumbly_joe

      Otoh, there was a thing in WaPo about the reenactors at historic Williamsburg putting teabaggers in their place, but also about teabaggers taking people who are basically improv actors way the fuck too seriously, considering.

    3. finallyhappy

      My two recent incidents- a guy wearing an "I love Vagina" hat- I guess that is his idea of a humorous play on I love Virginia- and his daughter was too young to read. Not a teabagger- just a moran. and during the Teatard visitations on DC- a girl wearing a shirt with foul language about the President. She was about 11- I had hopes of her and her family ending up in Anacostia- or actually most anywhere outside of the Mall – and getting the shit kicked out of them. I didn't see a story about it in the news so I guess it didn't happen

    4. HedonismBot

      And on top of that they can look forward to a pay freeze. Because, you know, federal employees are not human, so there's nothing wrong with destroying their individual economic ability to make some kind of ineffectual political point.

  31. chickensmack

    If he thinks those are lies, just wait until he hears about this crazy dude who allegedly died, but three days later was roaming around as if nothing happened.

        1. SorosBot

          It'll be great to see Jesus with legs the same width as his waist balanced on feet the size of a baby's and carrying a gun that weighs more than he does, and Mary Magdalene with GGG-sized breasts and a stomach that's three inches wide and three feet long.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Which proves, among many other things, that Christians can't count to three. Unless there's a secret day-and-a-half in between Friday evening and Sunday morning that only they can see. No fucking wonder these idiots think cutting taxes increases revenue.

  32. Ducksworthy

    Maybe turning his cerebral cortex into scar tissue by using his head to break concrete blocks has given Chuckels unique insights into theological matters, or maybe he's an idiot.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Why is it all these badass poseurs like Chuck Norris and Assity et. al. feel the need to invoke The LORD at every turn? Is it because they're not real men, capable of dealing with facts and reality, and therefore must call upon some imaginary power like a big wet nurse in the sky for their security and validation? I'm not saying they're sissies, per se — there could be a perfectly reasonable alternative explanation, such as they're vainglorious fools, or idiots. But we shouldn't avoid teaching the controversy.

    1. chickensmack

      Nope. You're absolutely right. We should build a theme park about it. And we should let the demonstrations tell the story; no sense of interpretive elements, or overarching hypothesis.

      Funny, though… if that's the case, and if the newest Christian Theme Park can't generate the kind of attention that new Jesus fans need — and if these parks are a tacit admission that the market should help decide — if it fails to pay its bills, is that a refudiation of Christ?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Maybe their religion is like their laissez-faire economics — you know, how the free market needs to be propped up sometimes with a good socialist set of legs (viz. the $800 billion Prosperity Bailout) every once in a while? Free-market Jesus just needs a little state support and coercion once in a while as well — because the LORD wants you to come to Him voluntarily, but that doesn't mean you should have other options.

        1. chickensmack

          Money really does keep the memories of our poor great-grandparents at bay, doesn't it? It also helps to exclude so much of our worldly experience, of the things that keep us culturally hypoxic.

          I think that's what we're supposed to thank Jesus for the most… and ironically, it's the one thing that keeps us the furthest from everyone else.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            Thank you Jesus, for giving me the werewithal to stay away from those filthy bedraggled poor…such as yourself.

  34. DaSandman

    He has a chaplin? What is he, the fucking Pope?

    I guess this is what comes of one too many kicks to the head.

  35. Not_So_Much

    I want Chuck to attempt a badass round-house and shatter his hip, fall to the ground in agony and shout "I can't get up!" Isn't he nearly 100 now?

    1. PublicLuxury

      I think you meant: Shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up." Then he presses the button on the pretty mobility necklace he wears and a scooter rolls up to retrieve him. Or not.

  36. fuflans

    I wonder – if the founders could see us today – would they just say 'fuck all' and head back to europe?

  37. Native_of_SL_UT

    Chuck Norris is so fast he can race around the world and punch himself in the back of the head….which he obviously has done too many times.

  38. donner_froh

    Sammo Hung Kam-Bo could so kick his ass–and Sammo is about 100 lbs over his fighting weight which was pretty substantial.

    Hell, any second rate Hong Kong stuntman from the 1970s could knock Chuck Norris into next week.

    Maybe one of them could come over here and tell us how to talk about the Liberty Bell.

    1. petehammer

      God, Sammo Hung is so, so awesome. I forget the name of a movie he was in, but I watched it about 1 mil. times when I was much younger. All I remember now was explosions and a jeep or something.

  39. donner_froh

    While the NPS guide physically hunched over, mimicked and mocked one carrying and swinging an oversized Bible in his hand

    The chance of anything like that happening is zero.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      The story is the new truth. Things don't ACTUALLY need to happen to cause outrage. You know, like Republicans don't ACTUALLY have to give a shit about the middle class to get them to vote for them – they just need to protect the American Dream – by allowing corporations to place far more restrictions on small business than the government could in a lifetime!!

    2. MaxUdargo

      Yes, that was my thought. I'll assign this story about as much credibility as I assign those glurges I get from relatives in my email about how some Christian college student made a fool out of an intolerant, screaming, red-faced biology professor.

      But as StillGoinGreen points out, there are different concepts of "truth." For some, it is merely facts, empirical evidence, and things that really happened. For others, there is a deeper truth that is revealed through fables, parables, fantasies and lies. And for people like Norris, it doesn't matter if the incident he describes never happened. It doesn't matter if he made it up himself out of whole cloth. It's still the truth.

      1. donner_froh

        After looking at the post again and realizing that the source was World News Daily I realize that every word, punctuation mark and line break on it was a lie.

      2. StillGoinGreen

        For that movement as a whole – it is better if it IS NOT actually factual. Actuality limits the boundaries to which outrage can be expressed.

        Fact: Obama introduces healthcare bill – outrage about healthcare bill

        Rumor: Obama is a Muslim atheist – limitless outrage

        The problem doesn't really lie with the fucksticks like Palin and Norris – they have a clear agenda, the problem is that nobody fact checks ANYTHING anymore – the truth is no longer necessary.

      3. Chet Kincaid

        And Chuck didn't actually see this thing happen, he's just reporting what he heard from his "pastor." What pastor hasn't resorted to spicing up an anecdote a bit to get 'em all worked up in the aisles? "I heard it from my girlfriend's cousin's Sunday school teacher who knows Chuck Norris's pastor" will be the new urban myth validating clause.

    3. finallyhappy

      you are correct, of course, but why would you think Chuck Norris or any teabagger would resort to facts?

    4. petehammer

      That was my exact thought when I saw this. When my grandmother was alive, she'd sent out the crazy winger/christian emails and every time I would think "There is no way in hell Pelosi/Obama/Whoever said or did whatever they are attributing to them." Snopes backed me up every time.

      People don't act in the way Right-Wing Christians write. I THOUGHT LYING WAS KINDA A NO-NO.

  40. MaxUdargo

    Well, we certainly don't know that Benjamin Franklin was a deist. I mean, just because it says in his autobiography that he was a deist doesn't mean he was a deist. What do we really know about the guy who wrote Benjamin Franklin's autobiography? What was his agenda?

  41. philpjfry

    How can somebody be more insulted by some supposedly ommitted words, and yet think war and killing ae OK? Jerkoff

  42. PublicLuxury

    Ricky Ranger roundhouse kicked the fundies while screaming, "I don't get paid enough to put up with this shit!"

    Jesus wept.

    Syphilis Sarah's head spun around

    Angels rejoiced

  43. Pragmatist2

    My God, what falsehoods!
    Next they will tell us that Norris' real name is Carlos and that he fathered a child during an extramarital relationship!
    And then they will tell us that Yogi Bear is NOT smarter than the average bear.
    Damnable Park Rangers!

  44. ragnarok4msm

    LAUGH ALL YOU WANT. I speak quietly when the Chuck comes up.He once ran so fast HE PUNCHED HIS OWN SELF IN THE BACK~ Chuckalonias3-4

  45. HedonismBot

    Anybody who would associate religion with nature so closely must be some kind of pagan. Sounds like Chuck Norris needs to make an "I'm Not a Witch" ad. I'm sure a certain unemployed Delaware lady would help him in exchange for rent money.

  46. V572625694

    Now how hard I think or search, I can't come up with a gayer moniker than "Pastor Todd DuBord." It's the "pastor" that really makes it fabulous.

  47. Jukesgrrl

    The Texas Ranger of TV fame had an African-American sidekick (probably ordered by the network) who required Chuck to rescue him from a jam every week. Chuck, no doubt, thinks the presidency works this way, too.

  48. Neilist

    If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, that water would have been changed to 100% pure Tennessee sipping whiskey.

    1. foog

      If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, then God would be inconsolable since there is no one else who could fill the vacant position of "Vengeful Fist of an Angry God".

      …that and whiny motherfuckers wouldn't o' had no loaves and fishes, but a multitude of roundhouse kicks to learn 'em to go looking for a handout. BoooYEAH!

  49. JustPixelz

    “We have no record that George Washington ever attended church.”

    That's exactly the kind of godless, secularism we've come to expect from Washington.

  50. Neilist

    If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, those little snack crackers you get in Catholic Church would transubstantiate into crusty San Francisco Sourdough bagettes, with a side of fresh crab and French cheeses.

  51. Neilist

    If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, Saint Paul would only have denied Him ONCE — after which He would have roundhouse kicked Paul so hard his name would have changed back to Saul.

      1. Neilist

        Whoops. Mixed up my Saints, and then responded to the wrong comment.

        One Point for you.

        No, no, let's be fair: Two Points.

        Rev. Neilist
        First Church of Chuck – Norris

  52. Neilist

    If Chuck Norris had been Jesus, that "bright light on the road to Damacus" would have been the airburst of a 200 kiloton Mark 78 warhead.

    [I can keep going. But in His Name, I won't.]

    1. petehammer

      1 mil. pee points. Maybe he did later and CN had him killed? Bruce Lee death conspiracy solved!

  53. JoshuaNorton

    You'd thunk that anyone as wise and learned as old Chuckles would know automatically that one of the FREAKING FOUNDING FATHERS HIMSELF told us that "the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion"

    I guess lying for Jesus is the 'christian' thing to do.

    PS Don't tell him that Christmas was banned in America for the longest time at the beginning. Not by any representative of the American Civil Liberties Union, but by Christians themselves. His head will literally 'splode. Literally I tells ya'.

  54. slappypaddy

    they're getting their money's worth out of you today, jack. will there be an extra can of hobo beans in your xmas stocking?

  55. bitchincamaro2

    I'll have to remember Chuck's trick; the next time I tour the Holy Land, I'll make sure I harangue the poor bastard with the park ranger skull cap about the American constitution. Chuck you, Farley.

  56. pbasch

    All well and good. BUT – If those tour guide quotes are for real, that poor bastard sounds like a bored prankster. Those quotes don't sound like official tour material. I'm guessing the guide recognized his tour-taker and decided to goad him. Of course, what he said is true, but still…

  57. anniegetyourfun

    I like how he tacked Ronald Reagan on at the end there. It wouldn't have counted as Full Retard if he hadn't.

  58. cheaphits

    Chuck believes whatever he believes, but he was never a "Big Name" and his fan base has to be aging. Time to market yourself again, Chuck?

    Maybe one last action flic now that "Walker's" in reruns – "Return to Grenada" will feature Chuck training his feisty, scooter bound brigade to "Remember Reagan" while returning to free his old commandos held by Islamic terrorists since 1983 in the hell-hole Isle of Spice.

    Or, maybe just a book – "How Jesus Helped Me Kick the Piss Out of People for Fun and Profit".

  59. ttommyunger

    I've had the misfortune to know several "Chaplains" over the years. They glom onto Police Departments, Fire Stations and Scout Troops (wonder what the attraction is there?). They are usually backsliders who have fucked or drank their way out of honest clergy positions and find themselves in some twilight zone between the secular and religious where they feel they can act out any way they please with impunity from either sector. I call it "mutual immunity". They are basically dicks. This jerkwad is no exception, I'm sure. I wonder if Mike Hickabee is jealous.

  60. tribbzthesquidz

    Tried taking the offspring to karate for a while. Turned out to be a front for a semi-mega-church nearby. We took a quick leave from the Khristian Karate Klub.

  61. Negropolis

    I vote for "never happened." I'd guess that maybe two of those five things could have been said, but all in all, I'm just going to say that Chuck made some shit up.

    Chuck is tough as hell, though. Apparently, he can even destroy logic and reason with his bare hands.

  62. mavenmaven

    Chuck Norris is not a true American. His mind is altered by atheist foreign "karate", a cult that believes in demon "qi" gods. A true American would be training in fisticuffs.

  63. thefrontpage

    It's been obvious for quite some time–about the last 25 years–that Chuck "Idiot and Moron" Norris suffered a few too many roundhouse kicks to the head.

    Chuck Norris is an idiot and a moron.

    And he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

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