northern overexposure

Bristol Palin Attempts Some Sort of Joke-Like Phrase Involving Lesbians

Simple dignity.Bristol Palin has posted a new Facebook post, arguing about something or other with former comedian Margaret Cho, because Bristol wants to stretch out her time on the dancing teevee show into actual celebrity or something, we guess. Cho said some inane, unfunny thing about Bristol, so Bristol used the word “canard” again and also the word “calculus,” a subject she didn’t take in high school, we presume. (Though she earned that B+ in Basic Canards.) Anyway, Bristol made a joke at the expense of lesbians, according to the Internet. But this “joke” lacks a coherent joke structure, so it is basically a weird comment about lesbian musicians, with the intent for it to be a joke of some kind, probably. Politics. Government. Public affairs.

You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.

First of all, “understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you”? Setting aside the grammatical error, what? Just, what? How does conservatism come into play? But also, what is being embraced by “KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert”? Margaret Cho? KD Lang’s identity? Hot, naked lesbians? Is the audience embracing KD Lang, by giving her flannel friendship bands? This is not a joke because it has no internal logic. It is an incomplete comparison.

P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

A night off from unemployment? Yes, we could all use that, really.

This was what was really of interest to us:

To my friend Margaret Cho, if you ever have a question, call me girlfriend.

If Margaret Cho ever has a question, she is allowed to call Bristol Palin her girlfriend. But will she have other lesbiany girlfriend privileges? Please let us know, whichever intern at the Palin ghostwriting shop is writing these things.

Anyway, tax-cut bar graphs, amiright? Those entitlement forecasts are quite a doozy. [Facebook]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. BerkeleyBear

        Bristol is disturbing, granted, but Margaret Cho is both funny and smart – and when she goes on a massive diet, pretty skinny too. So in the right phase, I'd hit it.

        BTW, if you've only seen her TV work, Cho is a hell of a lot funnier in concert.

    1. MarionNYNY

      Agreed. Reminds of that scene in the screen classic, Saturday Night Fever when Fran Drescher asks John Travolta: "Are you as good in bed as you are on the dance floor?" And he replies: "If you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, you're a lousy fuck."

      1. GunTotingProgressive

        Wow, you must have some serious pull around here. Your reply caused my pee points to drop nearly 30 points!

          1. user-of-owls

            Someone else called it the Night of the Long Thumbs.

            Oh, and they didn't ALL drop *cough, Soros, cough*

        1. Serolf_Divad

          I lost about 40 p points over the weekend. Kinda perplexed, because i haven't been posting on any right-wing web sites that I know of.

          1. chascates

            Me too! I thought I had finally crossed the line at Wonkette! And I didn't think there were ANY lines.

          2. LionelHutzEsq

            And yet our great leaders are staying silent about the great pee-off. Where is wikileaks when you need them?

            The interesting thing I that I looked at the posting history of one of our trolls here, and she had no great posts, and in fact was getting negative fisting even at Brietbart's site, and yet she still had a decent amount of pee. How does that make sense. Unless Intensedebate has been taken over by the Teaparty…..

            Oh well, I didn't lose much in the great pee-off, and I probably wouldn't care other than I was this close to being pee'd on 100 times. Now I'm just going to have to work my money maker all over again. Blah!

          3. Not_So_Much

            Did the Koch brothers just buy Intense Debate? No pee for us until they get some fucking tax breaks! Poor bastards…

          4. BaldarTFlagass

            I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of p's suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly disappeared.

          5. MuslinMosk

            And then, oddly enough, I haven't left a comment in probably a week or two, but my pee points have stayed the same.

            The plot thickens!

          6. GuanoFaucet

            Yeah, in the pee-pocalypse, I lost over 60p. Not that I care, or anything.

            I blame that blinkered moron pauletteanne. She's like a black hole of idiocy that hoovers up snark and p-points.

          7. user-of-owls

            I don't care either. None of us do. That's why we continue to tell each other that we don't care, again and again.

          8. GuanoFaucet

            Ha! Exactly. I didn't realize how much of my self-worth was wrapped up in this damned p-score until it went to shit the other day.

          9. StillGoinGreen

            I think it coincidental that China and Russia decide not to use the American buck dollar as their currency of trade anymore – and our pee drops dramatically!! Ken has been leveraging our pee against the dollar is all I'm sayin.

        2. Pragmatist2

          Same thing happened to me. I thought it was because I was mocking Julian Assange (who YOU KNOW played Rolf in his high school production of Sound of Music) who seems to have become a sacred cow.

          1. OneDollarJuana

            What cracks me up is an image of some Freeper setting up myriad Wonkette accounts just so he can mush his greasy, pudgy finger on the thumbs down button, over and over and over just to drive down MusklinMosk's p-score.

        1. Beowoof

          You be surprised how much of her brain capacity it takes to come up with those tweets and face book posts, bang Todd and his Snow Mobile Business Partner.

    1. marionetta

      Daddys don't babysit; they parent, just like mommys do.

      Why wasn't Brisket out killing stuff with her mommy on the TV last night?

  1. V572625694

    You get the feeling Bristol is like the people who say, "When I called Lonnie a nigger, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Man, this political correctness thing has just gotten out of hand."

    1. BarryOPotter

      "Why does Lonnie have to be so damn sensitive all the damn time? Gawd, he's such a fag sometimes. If it weren't for my Kommonsense Konservative values, I would so stop being his frienemy."

  2. el_donaldo

    "Commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals who are like us and not gay and icky or all poor and colored or not Christian or committed to work for the benefit of their communities or animals or bettering the arts and culture and so many other ways of living to live our lives with less government interference and more independence."

    Fixed. These today kids can't seem to get anything right.

    1. V572625694

      Because nobody wants the government to interfere with their right to interfere with other peoples' rights! Particularly the rights of those homos.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Because nobody wants the government to interfere with their right to interfere with other peoples' rights!

        For the rest of the day, V572625694, I'm calling you Mr. Peanut, 'cause you just nut-shelled the shit out of the definition of Palinesque "commonsense conservative values!"

    2. el_donaldo

      um, these kids today, I mean … They're not the only ones who can't get things right. What happened to my "edit" button? And why do I have to log on three times in a row to comment?

      1. Fare la Volpe

        If someone replies to your comment, you can't edit your post anymore. It's a bitch and a half.

        1. V572625694

          I know. Think what fun it would be to retroactively change your comment after others have commented on it.

          "As that tiresome hack V5 will probably say in response to this comment…"

  3. el_chupacabra

    OK, so KD Lang goes around hugging the shit out of conservatives at Indigo Girls concerts? Do any of these things even exist any more?

    1. Beowoof

      Do you know any conservative lesbians. I know lots of lesbians but not a single conservative in the group.

    2. comrad_darkness

      One more Tweet and we can triangulate not only the age, city of birth, but also the drug of choice for Bristol's ghostwriter.

  4. chascates

    Has commonsense conservatism replaced compassionate conservatism? And really, just whose rights do they support?

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      As always, they support the right of the rich to get richer and the poor to get fucked over.

    2. LetUsBray

      "commonsense" (which I always thought was two words, but okay) is Palin's own brand of wingnuttery. See, if you have common sense (or commonsense, I guess) you don't actually have to know any actual facts or stuff. Which works out really well if you are a Palin.

      1. V572625694

        Or if you want to assert something but lack any evidence to support the assertion, you call it "common sense."

        It's just common sense that lowering taxes will increase government revenue.
        It's just common sense that gay people are child abusers, etc etc.

          1. StillGoinGreen

            "Commonsense politics and conservative values" are the calculus of the great right wing canard they call "the Tea Party".

            P.S. I only replied to you so that we here at teh Wonkette can show that we support all comers – even those with far less pee than ourselves.

          2. Jason_inthe_Peg

            I hope to one day have great amounts of pee. Although I do not fully understand how one amasses pee.

          3. StillGoinGreen

            Having been up and down the ladder of pee thrice now, all I can figure is it is somewhat like that show, "Whose Line is it Anyway" – everyone gets a million points, and the points don't matter. I don't know who has their finger on the bladder, but the "thumbs up" thingy doesn't seem to have any effect on your pees.

          4. V572625694

            The p-algorithms are known only to the lords of IntenseDebate. Even Esteemed Editor Ken got down-pee'ed the other day. I was thisclose to a three-figure p-score when the shitstorm hit us all.

            Not that I care, of course.

          5. Pithaughn

            Or that a bowling ball falls faster than a BB. I thought Galileo put the common sense idtards in their place a long time ago?

  5. SorosBot

    Funny how it always seems have, contrary to what Bristol, always supported having more government interference in the lives of lesbians.

    1. slithytoves

      Hey it may be me, but it sure seems like you're missing some words in that sentence. Important ones.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Seems like there's a corollary to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle lurking somewhere in that little exchange.

        1. SorosBot

          I was typing in a hurry because the point seemed fairly obvious and I was afraid it would end up duplicating something someone already said. Which it did, and I fucked it up; it's Monday.

          1. PsycWench

            It's OK, we know what you mean and think fondly of you for it. Even though you did not experience extreme pee score dive of the rest of us.

            Damn now you've got me doing it too.

          2. StillGoinGreen

            I spent 30p on a comment about China, FUCKING China! For 30p, I could eat for a week in China!

          3. SorosBot

            Hey, I lost seven whole points! Seven! And still have five more to go to get back to where I was!

          4. slithytoves

            Life was much simpler before this IntenseDebate program. I don't remember being able to edit under the old way, nor did I worry about pees.

        2. StillGoinGreen

          I am high and I knew EXACTLY what he was trying to say, but I do take umbrage at his plagiarising my style of the superfluous comma.

          1. BarryOPotter

            Hey! Commas, are people, too, and deserve, some respect, like KD Lang would give you at an Indigo Girls concert, were your last name Cho, or were you an adept exploiter, of the Canardian Calculus.

  6. horsedreamer_1

    Say what you will about lesbians, Bristol, but at least they're not liable to get pregnant out-of-wedlock, or otherwise.

    (Unless they want to, as in two life-partners want to make a family & have babies with whom they share DNA.)

    1. StillGoinGreen

      When I was 19, there was a thirtysomething lesbian couple in my apartment complex who asked me if I would be interested in helping them have a baby. I said yes, and they had their attorney meet with us all and draw up some paperwork so that I could never fight for custody and they could never sue for support, blah, blah, blah. However, when it came time to actually go through with it – I got stage fright and backed out. To this day, my buddy swears it is because he kept teasing me about the fact that the one they chose to have the baby had a bigger mustache than I did at the time.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Man, think of all the free porn you missed out on at the sperm bank when I chose not to donate your genetic material.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          Dude, this was in Oklahoma, I WAS the artificial insemination tool. That is partly the reason I backed out – who wants to go through life with the dread of possibility that somewhere, there is a lesbian laughingly giving her buddies the "dinky winky" sign with her fingers at a dinner party?

          1. Fare la Volpe

            See, it's really easy to finish the job when there's no pressure on you, but when someone is depending on you to do it, well then that just completely throws off your mojo, man.

          2. horsedreamer_1

            They prolly wouldn't even care, large, small, or otherwise.

            Also: had you gone thru with it, you could have dubbed yourself "The Pumping Station" or "The Filling Station", & like those in New Jersey, you would boast 'full-service'.

  7. BorderJumper!

    Interesting…I keep hearing the same bumper sticker punchline "commonsense conservative values" over and over again. Is this some kind of buzzword all conservatards have encoded into their DNA or what?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Really. It might be rather pedestrain, but there's no "sense","conservatism" or "values" involved.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    Did I just call Levi Johnston a lesbian?

    My Mercede day-dreams must be bleeding into the rest of the family.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      The fame-whore of a daughter of a failed governor of Alaska that, by any reasonable measure, you should never have heard of.

    2. metamarcisf

      Bristolpalin: strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Bristolpalin, who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.

  9. SorosBot

    I'm not sure why Bristol would need a baby sitter when she's not raising little Tripanfall anyway.

  10. chickensmack

    "I" = 22 times
    "me" = 12 times
    "my" = 22 times

    We may have to check against Eminem, but folks, this may be a world record. 8.5% of the total words Bristol used described Bristol.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      While I love Eminem, I will admit: "White America" presaged the rise of the House of Heath-Palin.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      I think George Harrison's song still holds the record, but I also think he was being facetious.

  11. Gopherit

    Make fun of lesbians all you want, Bristol, but they don't have to use condoms like useless snowtrash should. Even suggesting you have a fucking clue about politics makes me chortle. Get a thesaurus and look that one up.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    She sure is going to have some great memories to share with her fellow employees when she's working the shotgun-bait shift at the Wasilla Kwik-E-Mart a few years from now. Nice tattoos!

  13. Billmatic

    I wish you guys would stop dissing my part time job updating their twitter and facebook feeds. I'm just trying to make ends meet.

    1. SmutBoffin

      I imagine your workplace conditions are akin to a textile mill in the late 1800s. And you need more half-hearted Frida Kahlo and Eleanor Roosevelt jokes. That'll really stick it to those gay liberal bitchez!

  14. Badonkadonkette

    I think you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert = you're a faggot.

    Clearly, after that last FB incident, Mama Grizzly pulled the cubs aside and explained they have to express their unvarnished bigotry in more genteel terms.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Wrong. Your grammar and punctuation is correct. A proper Bristol Palin tweet would read "youre a faggot!!!!!"

  15. freakishlywrong

    To my friend Margaret Cho, if you ever have a question, call me girlfriend.
    I don't even have a ball sac, but if I did, that sentence right there would shrivel it tighter than Mitch McConnell's turtle ass. ,(,,,, commas are good),

    1. horsedreamer_1

      That's just rugged individualism. The Right wants the gays to know the single-minded pursuit of freedom, unencumbered by anything but the Invisible Hand, that the Militia Movement has been preaching, too.

      Go off the grid, homos.

          1. SorosBot

            Domino's pisses me, because I wish I could boycott them but their "pizza" tastes like cardboard covered with melted plastic so I would never eat it anyway.

          2. Negropolis

            They got chased out of Michigan. The school, that is. Domino's headquarters (Dominos Farms – which, BTW, is one of the coolest corporate headquarters you'll find) is still here in Ann Arbor of all places.

      1. foog

        Actually, and with all due respect Roscoe, the rest of us are making fun of you for the Prius too.

        (Go go canvas bags, though! Nuthin better for carrying my hobo beans.)

    2. Wait..what?

      Unless you're a Cheney of course. Then the "special" rules kick in and all of the above does not apply. So gheys, if you hate on liberals enough, we'll let you have some stuff. But please try to not be too public about it. Mmmkay?

  16. Schmannnity

    "live our lives with less government interference and more independence"

    Unless your name is Terry Schiavo

      1. comrad_darkness

        Not to mention government mandated state checks sourced from industry. Socialists of the world, eat your hearts out.

  17. Golfing_OJ

    Babysitting Tripp would be awesome. In between tokes from my bong, all I'd have to do is yell "Stop biting the coffee table!" in a tard-friendly tone.

    1. Ducandy

      ""Stop biting the coffee table!" in a tard-friendly tone."

      Aw shit, I laughed so hard I made a little poopy in my pants.

  18. Terry

    "P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

    A night of from unemployment? Yes, we could all use that, really."

    Where was this baby when she was dancing on that tv show, btw?

    1. V572625694

      Must confess that as a Penile-American I find my attraction to Ms Etheridge somewhat sexually confusing.

      1. SorosBot

        Hey, one of my first crushes as a kid was on Joan Jett; and I was very disappointed to learn the truth about her, even though it should have been obvious from her not changing the pronouns in "Crimson and Clover".

        1. V572625694

          Not to mention Portia Di Rossi. Hot, funnyand a refugee from the Isle of Lesbos. If only she’d get a proper boob job…

          1. SorosBot

            As a connoisseur of small breasts, I prefer what she has now. Ellen is a lucky woman, and proves that rich middle-aged lesbians can behave just like rich middle-aged straight men in using their wealth to marry women much younger and hotter than they are.

  19. fuflans

    " if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence…"

    so we can safely assume bristol supports gay marriage then? mom is not going to be best pleased i think…

  20. OkieDokieDog

    "commonsense conservative values " — as real as Santa Claus, GOD, Jebus, the Easter Bunny, the Abominable Snowman, and Mike Huckabee.

    What? There IS an Abominable Snowman?!

  21. HempDogbane

    "… you would embrace us faster than KD Lang, Rory Block, Melissa Etheridge, those two sisters, Ani DiFranco and Ken Mehlman doing a group hug at an Indigo Girls concert."

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Oh, Ani.

      I want to have her over for lasagna & Chianti while we listen to The Chairman of the Board. Our shared Italian-American status will bridge the gap of her being into women & me having external gonads.

    2. HempDogbane

      re: those two sisters: Tegan and Sara. Sorry, girls. (Just spell our names right, unless it's in a Wonkette comment about Bristol Palin and Margaret Cho, in which case just call us those two sisters.)

  22. Gratuitous World

    i 'supports the right of individuals like you,' like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, and fully embrace your right to get impregnated by a Whitesnake roadie in the Gravitron at the Fairbanks County Fair.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Here I go again on my own… Going down the only birth-canal I've ever known. Like a twister I was born to walk alone. Oh, I've made it myself…

  23. doxastic

    Oh yeah, I forgot that part where commonsense conservative values support the right for gays to serve openly in the military and get married while ladies get to have abortions all day.

    But why am I expecting internal coherence? If it dances comme un canard, and writes comme un canard, it's probably a Palin.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      The first Joe Miller in Alaska was a former newspaper baron named John Lindauer. He and his daughter Susan were once held at gunpoint by a disabled Vietnam vet who absentee fathered Evan Ramsey, the first H.S. Principle and student killer of the 90s in Bethel Regional High School. Susan, an anti-war 'journalist' subsequently was nailed for being some sort of self-appointed emissary to Iraq before that was cool.

      Anyways, old John was married to a money-bags baroness and funneled her monies into his doomed campaign as a Compassionate Conservative for the U.S. Senate race in Alaska. He got skunked in humiliating fashion under real vetting and yelped back home to Illinois or somesuch place the way we hope Joe Miller goes back to Kansas.

      Common Sense Compassionate Conservatives are the ones you can never turn your back on.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    From what I know of Margaret Cho, she's a pretty clever lass, and if she lowers herself to a flame war with Lil Miss WhiteTrashWinsTheLotto, I think Brisket will learn the meaning of the term "Fuck with the bull, get the horn." Bringing a knife to a gunfight, as it were.

  25. LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe we can reach a compromise, and all be in favor of the government filming more lesbian embraces, whether or not at an Indigo Girls Concert.

    1. PublicLuxury

      Oh let's. Then the conservatards can bitch about state sponsored lesbians infiltrating our public schools and making the kids go all girl on girl gay.

  26. Cicada

    Hey, Bristol's right!
    According to interviews, Margaret Cho is into group sex and bondage. That gives her plenty of common ground with "commonsense conservatives". Hell, they might even be able to teach her a thing or two about yiffing.

  27. snoopyfan2010

    Only a weak person puts that much effort into a fight with her own shadow. I just hope she won.

  28. magic_titty

    I call shenanigans. There is no way in hell Bristol Palin ever even heard of 1990's lesbians KD Lang or the Indigo Girls.

    She probably thinks Boy George is a reference to our last president.

    1. predilectrix

      This post came from the Dickensian blacking factory offshore from Anchorage, where urchins and impoverished former dandies are forced by the Palin conglomerate to create Tweets and Facebook updates till their fingers are crippled from arthritis. Once they get caught out writing something ridicious, like about canards, they are tossed on the ice floes.

  29. hagajim

    Maybe Bristol is actually trying to hit on Margaret (thus the girlfriend thingy)…then she could have sex and not have to worry about getting preggers again. Lesbian dildo sex counts as abstincence and isn't Bristol at about the college age where girls like to experiment?

    1. doxastic

      isn't Bristol at about the college age where girls like to experiment?

      In the best way possible: all of the age and none of the college

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        That's what I love about these high school dropout girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

        All right, all right, all right.

  30. qwerty42

    …commonsense conservative values supports… teh ghez? You learn something new every day on Our Wonkette.

  31. BombyMcGee

    Yeah, commonsense conservatism sure has been there every step of the way for the fight for gay rights. At every step of the way, yes… opposing each one.

  32. marionetta

    I guess Piper's not available for babysitting in Arizona while the canardalistic virgin is awaiting her next blob.

  33. karen

    I'm betting she had to look up the lesbian reference on the google, because honestly, I had to. I guess I need to update my Homosexual Agenda: Pop References for 2010/2011.

  34. PublicLuxury

    WTF is wrong with that family? Why can't they learn and speak English. Morons all and they're breeding future morons. This is what's wrong in 'merika. 'Merikan's are reversing the evolutionary chain. Fuckin' Palins

  35. StillGoinGreen

    Somebody please tell me what's worse – the stupid shit this idiot little farm raised fuckstain says on her Facebook page, or the fact that there are more than 20 similar Alaskan fuckstains reading her page in the first place! She won't die unless we stop breathing life into her!!

  36. DashboardBuddha

    Sure…keeping the government out of our lives also includes having it dive head-first into a woman's womb.

  37. metamarcisf

    I accidently caught a segment of the mongoloid Palin TV show whereby Sarah teaches Bristol humaneness by showing her how to club halibut with a truncheon.

    1. qwerty42

      From Andrew Sullivan
      It has become a Sunday night ritual now: we watch "Sarah Palin's Alaska" followed by "The Walking Dead". The latter is much more believable as reality – but the former has its zombie charms. What's particularly awesome about SPA is that each episode is obviously crafted around a "Sarah's-Just-So-Darn-Great" arc followed swiftly by the brutal murder of various life-forms. ….

  38. Weenus299

    Parallelledly speaking, did Buck Owens ever go around hugging up on people at Simon and Garfunkel concert?

    No wait. Did Marty Robbins ever go around hugging up on people at a Queen concert?

  39. Eve8Apples

    I'm curious where such a wholesome, abstinence loving, Christian baby mamma from Wasilla obtains her knowledge of lesbian behavior.

    1. HistoriCat

      Margaret Cho would never call her girlfriend. She might hate-fuck Bristol and leave her begging for more but that's about it.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Then they could auction off the strap-on for charity or campaign contributions or the funding of Huggies or some shit.

  40. comrad_darkness

    So . . . Bristol is arguing that conservative values promote the rights of homosexuals. Does that include gay marriage? Cuz that would be a massive 180° turnaround from, say, about 15 milliseconds ago.

    Call me girlfriend. Call me lesbian. Just don't call me late to dinner.

  41. Allmighty_Manos

    Pawlenty's kids better start making inane homophobic comments at D-list celebrities if he wants to have any shot at all in Iowa.

  42. seppdecker

    P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

    Yeah, because she's so involved with Tripp now. Bristol likes her "me time" the way she likes her mayonnaise – in Sam's Club, super-sized, five gallon buckets that kill the heart.

  43. slithytoves

    To see the deep-fried soul of America, click on those Facebook links. Jefiner Jones, (no spelling mistake, that's her name, you know how many times she has to correct people's pronunication?): I am proud to stand and put my hand over my heart while the national anthem is played!

  44. ShiftyParadigm

    From the Single Source Speakers Bureau (where we discover Bristol's speaking fee is $10,000+:

    "Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's oldest daughter, took the country by storm practically overnight when she was introduced to Americans during the 2008 presidential campaign. Her teen pregnancy and the birth of her son Tripp, resulted in millions of Americans discussing the issues surrounding teen pregnancy. Bristol has since gone on to become a Teen Ambassador for the Candie's Foundation, and speaks about pregnancy prevention, abstinence, faith and life. She recently appeared on the ABC drama "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and is working on her first book. "

    It did not specify if she purchased it on or got it from the library.

  45. problemwithcaring

    K.D. Lang and not, I don't know, Ellen?

    Seems her ghostwriter forgot that Bristol was born in 1990. And that she is a fucking idiot.

  46. MadBrahms

    She knows we have to stop the gay agenda now, before we're all married to canards, which are both animals *and* French, something we just can't stand for.

    1. finallyhappy

      Actually canards, while French, are birds- not animals. I am not sure that would be bestiality- it would be avianality

  47. GOPCrusher

    "You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert."

    I'm sorry, but I'm not buying for one second that any of this came out of the brain stem that controls the motor functions of one Brisket Palin. Too many multi-syllable words. And the thought process is somewhat coherent.
    I have to imagine that her first reaction was to call Margaret Cho a "fat faggot", in which the Palin Family ghostwriter translated to this.

  48. CalamityJames

    Hi, I have a low snark level, so bear with me.

    Hey, Bristol! Shut the fuck up (pleasereadthispleasereadthis) and take care of your own kid! Dancing around like a fucking idiot doesn't entitle you to shit. Being the white-trash daughter of some has-been half-term Governor of Snowganistan doesn't mean you know shit about conservative values. You are trash, your kid has a flat face, and oh my fucking god why were you not beat more often?

    PS: Shove a grizzly canard up your bigot ass.

  49. Barbara_i

    I am sick of "Mama's little Chubby Cub", opening that gateway to hell that she calls her mouth and saying stupid shit. Bristol, forget "abstinence" With that attitude of yours, I find you to be beyond unboinkable. The boys of Wasilla would do less damage to their peckers if they just slammed it in their sock drawer several times. Get a real job or an education you worthless, chunky little tub of goo.

  50. smokefilledroommate

    If Bristol had a brain, stopped using the word 'canard', and formed her own opinions instead of being a PR extension of her mother, we might have slightly more respect for her faster than Randall Terry can bomb an abortion clinic.

  51. xsluggo

    Which of her brothers is Tripp? The slow one, or the slower one who just got out of the Army? I’m confusiated.

  52. Neoyorquino

    Shes projecting. Odds are that she posts on FB whenever she comes up for air from being ears-deep in Mons Veneris.

  53. Neilist

    "[C]omedian Margaret Cho . . . ."

    This must be a use of "comedian" Previously Unknown to Western Science.

    I mean, aren't "comedians" supposed to be . . . well . . .funny?

  54. Neilist

    Oh, and when it comes to "naked lesbians": Are we talking about the Young, Hot, Skinny, Cranked Up On Blow Margaret Cho?

    Or the Old, Ugly/Bitter, FAT, Downers & Gin Margaret Cho?

    (You know, the Margaret Cho referred to as "The Next Korean War"?)

  55. iburl

    Which Palin is the most likely to go to jail first? Brisket? Geometry? Puddles? Saskatoon? Fiddlesticks?

  56. OldRedneck

    Well, speaking as an OLD redneck, I don't understand all the references to "KD Lang" and the "Indigo Girls." I mean, are they anything like MD 20/20 or a Bull 40?

    But, then, I'm a REALLY OLD redneck and about the only excitement in my life is rolling a fat boy now and then.

  57. JackObin

    How exactly is the gummit "interfering in the life" of this Palin halfwit? She should just state what's on her tiny mind, to wit: "We don't wanna give no money to the negroes".

  58. Negropolis

    All girls and women should aspire to have the high "family values" of the Palins. You know, with Tripp's meth-headed grandma, his other grifting grandma, his flunkie father, his loose mother, his foul-mouthed auntie, his…well, you get the point.

    Bristol should really demand that her mother's publicist stop posting shit in her name. That's only assumming Bristol doesn't know or cares.

  59. __kth__

    In fairness, any posts with compound sentences are nearly certain not to have actually been written by Palin family members.

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