northern overexposure

Bristol Palin Attempts Some Sort of Joke-Like Phrase Involving Lesbians

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Simple dignity.Bristol Palin has posted a new Facebook post, arguing about something or other with former comedian Margaret Cho, because Bristol wants to stretch out her time on the dancing teevee show into actual celebrity or something, we guess. Cho said some inane, unfunny thing about Bristol, so Bristol used the word “canard” again and also the word “calculus,” a subject she didn’t take in high school, we presume. (Though she earned that B+ in Basic Canards.) Anyway, Bristol made a joke at the expense of lesbians, according to the Internet. But this “joke” lacks a coherent joke structure, so it is basically a weird comment about lesbian musicians, with the intent for it to be a joke of some kind, probably. Politics. Government. Public affairs.

You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.

First of all, “understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you”? Setting aside the grammatical error, what? Just, what? How does conservatism come into play? But also, what is being embraced by “KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert”? Margaret Cho? KD Lang’s identity? Hot, naked lesbians? Is the audience embracing KD Lang, by giving her flannel friendship bands? This is not a joke because it has no internal logic. It is an incomplete comparison.

P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

A night off from unemployment? Yes, we could all use that, really.

This was what was really of interest to us:

To my friend Margaret Cho, if you ever have a question, call me girlfriend.

If Margaret Cho ever has a question, she is allowed to call Bristol Palin her girlfriend. But will she have other lesbiany girlfriend privileges? Please let us know, whichever intern at the Palin ghostwriting shop is writing these things.

Anyway, tax-cut bar graphs, amiright? Those entitlement forecasts are quite a doozy. [Facebook]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • genxr

    I never thought I could be turned off by girl-on-girl action… until now.

    • Gopherit

      Yeah, Margaret Cho and Bristol. Cue the bucket of ice water.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Bristol is disturbing, granted, but Margaret Cho is both funny and smart – and when she goes on a massive diet, pretty skinny too. So in the right phase, I'd hit it.

        BTW, if you've only seen her TV work, Cho is a hell of a lot funnier in concert.

    • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

      Agreed. Reminds of that scene in the screen classic, Saturday Night Fever when Fran Drescher asks John Travolta: "Are you as good in bed as you are on the dance floor?" And he replies: "If you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, you're a lousy fuck."

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Is there anyone in this family that is NOT retarded?

    • genxr

      Yeah, Trig. He only has Downs Syndrome, and enough sense not to post idiotic crap like that.

      • GunTotingProgressive

        Wow, you must have some serious pull around here. Your reply caused my pee points to drop nearly 30 points!

        • Crank_Tango

          they all dropped last week in what I like to call Fistallnacht.

          • user-of-owls

            Someone else called it the Night of the Long Thumbs.

            Oh, and they didn't ALL drop *cough, Soros, cough*

        • Serolf_Divad

          I lost about 40 p points over the weekend. Kinda perplexed, because i haven't been posting on any right-wing web sites that I know of.

          • chascates

            Me too! I thought I had finally crossed the line at Wonkette! And I didn't think there were ANY lines.

          • MildMidwesterner

            Yeah, George Carlin's "7 Dirty Words" routine doesn't pack much of a punch on this site.

          • LionelHutzEsq

            And yet our great leaders are staying silent about the great pee-off. Where is wikileaks when you need them?

            The interesting thing I that I looked at the posting history of one of our trolls here, and she had no great posts, and in fact was getting negative fisting even at Brietbart's site, and yet she still had a decent amount of pee. How does that make sense. Unless Intensedebate has been taken over by the Teaparty…..

            Oh well, I didn't lose much in the great pee-off, and I probably wouldn't care other than I was this close to being pee'd on 100 times. Now I'm just going to have to work my money maker all over again. Blah!

          • Not_So_Much

            Did the Koch brothers just buy Intense Debate? No pee for us until they get some fucking tax breaks! Poor bastards…

          • user-of-owls

            Is this the Wonkette equivalent of a Spartacus moment?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of p's suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly disappeared.

          • Not_So_Much

            I wondered as well. I normally prefer to sit in a much larger puddle of my own wonk-pee.

          • MuslinMosk

            And then, oddly enough, I haven't left a comment in probably a week or two, but my pee points have stayed the same.

            The plot thickens!

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Look again!!

          • MuslinMosk

            WHAT IS THIS TRICKERY

          • HateMachine

            Your pee is DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

          • MuslinMosk

            WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU HAVE MORE PEE THAN ME NOW I HATE YOU WESLEY

          • GuanoFaucet

            Yeah, in the pee-pocalypse, I lost over 60p. Not that I care, or anything.

            I blame that blinkered moron pauletteanne. She's like a black hole of idiocy that hoovers up snark and p-points.

          • user-of-owls

            I don't care either. None of us do. That's why we continue to tell each other that we don't care, again and again.

          • GuanoFaucet

            Ha! Exactly. I didn't realize how much of my self-worth was wrapped up in this damned p-score until it went to shit the other day.

          • Wadisay

            I just assumed the "pee" got devalued against the "like".

          • StillGoinGreen

            I think it coincidental that China and Russia decide not to use the American buck dollar as their currency of trade anymore – and our pee drops dramatically!! Ken has been leveraging our pee against the dollar is all I'm sayin.

        • Pragmatist2

          Same thing happened to me. I thought it was because I was mocking Julian Assange (who YOU KNOW played Rolf in his high school production of Sound of Music) who seems to have become a sacred cow.

          • OneDollarJuana

            What cracks me up is an image of some Freeper setting up myriad Wonkette accounts just so he can mush his greasy, pudgy finger on the thumbs down button, over and over and over just to drive down MusklinMosk's p-score.

  • 738838

    What about having Daddy babysit?

    • Gopherit

      Or willow. It will be good training, given the likelihood she'll be knocked up soon.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Is it ethical to bet the affirmative, then make it happen?

        • genxr

          You're a braver man than I, Gunga Din.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Hell, it is not like Grandma is doing anything that requires any brain power.

        • Beowoof

          You be surprised how much of her brain capacity it takes to come up with those tweets and face book posts, bang Todd and his Snow Mobile Business Partner.

    • marionetta

      Daddys don't babysit; they parent, just like mommys do.

      Why wasn't Brisket out killing stuff with her mommy on the TV last night?

  • V572625694

    You get the feeling Bristol is like the people who say, "When I called Lonnie a nigger, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Man, this political correctness thing has just gotten out of hand."

    • BarryOPotter

      "Why does Lonnie have to be so damn sensitive all the damn time? Gawd, he's such a fag sometimes. If it weren't for my Kommonsense Konservative values, I would so stop being his frienemy."

  • OneDollarJuana

    That joke makes Bristol's thighs look fat.

    • Pragmatist2

      That was not an illusion.

    • predilectrix

      Proud to have been the hundreth thumb!

    • Negropolis

      FTW

  • el_donaldo

    "Commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals who are like us and not gay and icky or all poor and colored or not Christian or committed to work for the benefit of their communities or animals or bettering the arts and culture and so many other ways of living to live our lives with less government interference and more independence."

    Fixed. These today kids can't seem to get anything right.

    • V572625694

      Because nobody wants the government to interfere with their right to interfere with other peoples' rights! Particularly the rights of those homos.

      • BarryOPotter

        Because nobody wants the government to interfere with their right to interfere with other peoples' rights!

        For the rest of the day, V572625694, I'm calling you Mr. Peanut, 'cause you just nut-shelled the shit out of the definition of Palinesque "commonsense conservative values!"

        • V572625694

          You are most kind, sir.

          Regards,
          Mr Peanut

    • el_donaldo

      um, these kids today, I mean … They're not the only ones who can't get things right. What happened to my "edit" button? And why do I have to log on three times in a row to comment?

      • Fare la Volpe

        If someone replies to your comment, you can't edit your post anymore. It's a bitch and a half.

        • V572625694

          I know. Think what fun it would be to retroactively change your comment after others have commented on it.

          "As that tiresome hack V5 will probably say in response to this comment…"

      • Beowoof

        The pee thief is back and fucking with access now, did Ken get a big check from the Kochs?

  • el_chupacabra

    OK, so KD Lang goes around hugging the shit out of conservatives at Indigo Girls concerts? Do any of these things even exist any more?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Constant Raving, that's all ways been.

    • DaSandman

      Actually i worked an Indigo Girls concert three weeks ago.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Was KD there being embraced by random people? Bristol Palin?

      • horsedreamer_1

        & they have a Christmas album coming out.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Last time I checked, shit and conservatives still exist. Dang.

    • Beowoof

      Do you know any conservative lesbians. I know lots of lesbians but not a single conservative in the group.

      • SorosBot

        Condi Rice?

        • Beowoof

          Touche

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        I'm sure that lesbians who are righty on non-social issues would not be unheard of, and in fact I knew one back in the day.

        • Beowoof

          Maybe I should hang out with folks other than Democrats, but republicans piss me off too much.

    • comrad_darkness

      One more Tweet and we can triangulate not only the age, city of birth, but also the drug of choice for Bristol's ghostwriter.

  • chascates

    Has commonsense conservatism replaced compassionate conservatism? And really, just whose rights do they support?

    • SorosBot

      Both phrases are equally oxymoronic.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      As always, they support the right of the rich to get richer and the poor to get fucked over.

    • walterhwhite

      Besides supporting the rich, they also supports the stoopids.

    • LetUsBray

      "commonsense" (which I always thought was two words, but okay) is Palin's own brand of wingnuttery. See, if you have common sense (or commonsense, I guess) you don't actually have to know any actual facts or stuff. Which works out really well if you are a Palin.

      • V572625694

        Or if you want to assert something but lack any evidence to support the assertion, you call it "common sense."

        It's just common sense that lowering taxes will increase government revenue.
        It's just common sense that gay people are child abusers, etc etc.

        • Jason_inthe_Peg

          Common, as in base, mean, without value.

          • OneDollarJuana

            "Common sense is not so common." Voltaire

          • Jason_inthe_Peg

            "Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat." Bertrand Russell

          • StillGoinGreen

            "Commonsense politics and conservative values" are the calculus of the great right wing canard they call "the Tea Party".

            P.S. I only replied to you so that we here at teh Wonkette can show that we support all comers – even those with far less pee than ourselves.

          • Jason_inthe_Peg

            I hope to one day have great amounts of pee. Although I do not fully understand how one amasses pee.

          • StillGoinGreen

            Having been up and down the ladder of pee thrice now, all I can figure is it is somewhat like that show, "Whose Line is it Anyway" – everyone gets a million points, and the points don't matter. I don't know who has their finger on the bladder, but the "thumbs up" thingy doesn't seem to have any effect on your pees.

          • V572625694

            The p-algorithms are known only to the lords of IntenseDebate. Even Esteemed Editor Ken got down-pee'ed the other day. I was thisclose to a three-figure p-score when the shitstorm hit us all.

            Not that I care, of course.

          • Pithaughn

            Or that a bowling ball falls faster than a BB. I thought Galileo put the common sense idtards in their place a long time ago?

      • Beowoof

        Well now you are getting into the schoolin them kids has had. And they all talk like they be home skoled or went to the Landover Baptist Church School.
        http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/1698666

    • Guppy06

      Target's and Best Buy's.

    • comrad_darkness

      Compassion is for pussies. And Jesus.

  • SorosBot

    Funny how it always seems have, contrary to what Bristol, always supported having more government interference in the lives of lesbians.

    • slithytoves

      Hey it may be me, but it sure seems like you're missing some words in that sentence. Important ones.

      • SorosBot

        And now I can't fix it, thanks to you!

        • slithytoves

          I like it the way it is. Sort of like a cryptogram.

          • BarryOPotter

            Is that SorosBot post on a slab of metal outside of CIA HQ?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Seems like there's a corollary to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle lurking somewhere in that little exchange.

      • Katydid

        I can't tell if SorosBot is being meta, is making fun of Bristol, or is high.

        • SorosBot

          I was typing in a hurry because the point seemed fairly obvious and I was afraid it would end up duplicating something someone already said. Which it did, and I fucked it up; it's Monday.

          • PsycWench

            It's OK, we know what you mean and think fondly of you for it. Even though you did not experience extreme pee score dive of the rest of us.

            Damn now you've got me doing it too.

          • StillGoinGreen

            I spent 30p on a comment about China, FUCKING China! For 30p, I could eat for a week in China!

          • SorosBot

            Hey, I lost seven whole points! Seven! And still have five more to go to get back to where I was!

          • slithytoves

            Life was much simpler before this IntenseDebate program. I don't remember being able to edit under the old way, nor did I worry about pees.

          • Crank_Tango

            also this shit is crashy as fuck.

          • LetUsBray

            I'm already getting to the age when I worry about pees fairly often. You get used to it.

        • LionelHutzEsq

          Why can't it be all of those?

        • StillGoinGreen

          I am high and I knew EXACTLY what he was trying to say, but I do take umbrage at his plagiarising my style of the superfluous comma.

          • SorosBot

            No, the superfluous comma, is more of a dig, at Bristol.

          • BarryOPotter

            Hey! Commas, are people, too, and deserve, some respect, like KD Lang would give you at an Indigo Girls concert, were your last name Cho, or were you an adept exploiter, of the Canardian Calculus.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Say what you will about lesbians, Bristol, but at least they're not liable to get pregnant out-of-wedlock, or otherwise.

    (Unless they want to, as in two life-partners want to make a family & have babies with whom they share DNA.)

    • StillGoinGreen

      When I was 19, there was a thirtysomething lesbian couple in my apartment complex who asked me if I would be interested in helping them have a baby. I said yes, and they had their attorney meet with us all and draw up some paperwork so that I could never fight for custody and they could never sue for support, blah, blah, blah. However, when it came time to actually go through with it – I got stage fright and backed out. To this day, my buddy swears it is because he kept teasing me about the fact that the one they chose to have the baby had a bigger mustache than I did at the time.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Man, think of all the free porn you missed out on at the sperm bank when I chose not to donate your genetic material.

        • StillGoinGreen

          Dude, this was in Oklahoma, I WAS the artificial insemination tool. That is partly the reason I backed out – who wants to go through life with the dread of possibility that somewhere, there is a lesbian laughingly giving her buddies the "dinky winky" sign with her fingers at a dinner party?

          • Fare la Volpe

            See, it's really easy to finish the job when there's no pressure on you, but when someone is depending on you to do it, well then that just completely throws off your mojo, man.

          • StillGoinGreen

            Story of my life…

          • BarryOPotter

            Truer words, F la Volpe, truer words…

          • horsedreamer_1

            They prolly wouldn't even care, large, small, or otherwise.

            Also: had you gone thru with it, you could have dubbed yourself "The Pumping Station" or "The Filling Station", & like those in New Jersey, you would boast 'full-service'.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            What, no Hustler Magazine/beaker/turkey baster technology available in OK at the time?

  • BorderJumper!

    Interesting…I keep hearing the same bumper sticker punchline "commonsense conservative values" over and over again. Is this some kind of buzzword all conservatards have encoded into their DNA or what?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Really. It might be rather pedestrain, but there's no "sense","conservatism" or "values" involved.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Did I just call Levi Johnston a lesbian?

    My Mercede day-dreams must be bleeding into the rest of the family.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Who's Bristol Palin?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      The fame-whore of a daughter of a failed governor of Alaska that, by any reasonable measure, you should never have heard of.

    • Mahousu

      I think she's a character in some old failed sitcom. Punky Brewster, maybe?

    • metamarcisf

      Bristolpalin: strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Bristolpalin, who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.

      • Radiotherapy

        Wait, I thought that was Palinman.

  • SorosBot

    I'm not sure why Bristol would need a baby sitter when she's not raising little Tripanfall anyway.

  • chickensmack

    "I" = 22 times
    "me" = 12 times
    "my" = 22 times

    We may have to check against Eminem, but folks, this may be a world record. 8.5% of the total words Bristol used described Bristol.

    • horsedreamer_1

      While I love Eminem, I will admit: "White America" presaged the rise of the House of Heath-Palin.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think George Harrison's song still holds the record, but I also think he was being facetious.

  • Gopherit

    Make fun of lesbians all you want, Bristol, but they don't have to use condoms like useless snowtrash should. Even suggesting you have a fucking clue about politics makes me chortle. Get a thesaurus and look that one up.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Apparently snowbillies don't have to use condoms either.

    • jus_wonderin

      Chortle is the sound Bristol made after Levi dropped her off on the first date.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She sure is going to have some great memories to share with her fellow employees when she's working the shotgun-bait shift at the Wasilla Kwik-E-Mart a few years from now. Nice tattoos!

    • LetUsBray

      "STFU fa**ot. And thank you, come again!"

  • slithytoves

    Pretty soon these commonsense conservative values are going to be demanding rights.

    • Radiotherapy

      Yeah, those $70,000 0n every $1 million weren't enough.

  • jim89048

    "…supports the right…" Kinda sez it all.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    CHA-CHA-CHA to CHO-CHO-CHO–HERE'S A HINT: THREE DOG NIGHT

    Three dog night? Uh, Bristol, Sarah, and Willow?

    • chickensmack

      It sure couldn't have been "Mama told me not to come…"

  • Tengu

    "For 20 years my mom had my back…"
    And for four minutes Levi Johnson had her back too.

    • SorosBot

      No, if he had only had her back then she wouldn't have her little prop Tripper.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      or at least ON her back…

    • horsedreamer_1

      Back, & to the Right.

      Back, & to the Right.

  • Billmatic

    I wish you guys would stop dissing my part time job updating their twitter and facebook feeds. I'm just trying to make ends meet.

    • SmutBoffin

      I imagine your workplace conditions are akin to a textile mill in the late 1800s. And you need more half-hearted Frida Kahlo and Eleanor Roosevelt jokes. That'll really stick it to those gay liberal bitchez!

      • doxastic

        Don't even get Bristol started on Alice B. Toklas.

      • Billmatic

        There's nothing gay about Eleanor Roosevelt…

        >.>

  • Badonkadonkette

    I think you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert = you're a faggot.

    Clearly, after that last FB incident, Mama Grizzly pulled the cubs aside and explained they have to express their unvarnished bigotry in more genteel terms.

    • chickensmack

      That requires English lessons. Do they teach that in Russia?

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Wrong. Your grammar and punctuation is correct. A proper Bristol Palin tweet would read "youre a faggot!!!!!"

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    Maybe there should be a new television show: "So You Think You Can Ghost?"

  • freakishlywrong

    To my friend Margaret Cho, if you ever have a question, call me girlfriend.
    I don't even have a ball sac, but if I did, that sentence right there would shrivel it tighter than Mitch McConnell's turtle ass. ,(,,,, commas are good),

    • deanbooth

      There are very few comma-sense conservatives.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Common Sense Conservatives want the government out of gay people's lives, as long as said people will refrain from getting married, joining the military, becoming teachers, holding hands in public, adopting children, raising their own children complaining when they're fired for being gay, complaining when they are evicted for being gay, or having sex in the privacy of their own homes.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      But other than that, they're cool with it.

    • horsedreamer_1

      That's just rugged individualism. The Right wants the gays to know the single-minded pursuit of freedom, unencumbered by anything but the Invisible Hand, that the Militia Movement has been preaching, too.

      Go off the grid, homos.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Going Gaylt?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Does that mean being joined at the hip with your friend who is also an unmarried lady, while never officially breaking it off with Steadman?

          • horsedreamer_1

            I can tell ye they won't be retiring to Ave Maria, Florida.

          • LocalGirlMakesGoo

            I laughed, but then realised I didn't get the reference. Is that the Disney town?

          • glamourdammerung

            The one the asshole that owned Domino's Pizza built in order to have a fundie compound.

          • SorosBot

            Domino's pisses me, because I wish I could boycott them but their "pizza" tastes like cardboard covered with melted plastic so I would never eat it anyway.

          • Negropolis

            They got chased out of Michigan. The school, that is. Domino's headquarters (Dominos Farms – which, BTW, is one of the coolest corporate headquarters you'll find) is still here in Ann Arbor of all places.

        • doxastic

          I regret that I have but one thumb to give for this comment.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      When you put it like that, all this repulsion I have with conservatism seems kinda silly. No, wait a second. They still like to make fun of me for bringing my own canvas bags to the grocery store and driving my Prius. They're still dicks in my book.

      • foog

        Actually, and with all due respect Roscoe, the rest of us are making fun of you for the Prius too.

        (Go go canvas bags, though! Nuthin better for carrying my hobo beans.)

    • Wait..what?

      Unless you're a Cheney of course. Then the "special" rules kick in and all of the above does not apply. So gheys, if you hate on liberals enough, we'll let you have some stuff. But please try to not be too public about it. Mmmkay?

  • bumfug

    Is a Canard a stupid guy from Toronto?

  • Schmannnity

    "live our lives with less government interference and more independence"

    Unless your name is Terry Schiavo

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Or you live in Alaska and receive a ton of government subsidies.

      • comrad_darkness

        Not to mention government mandated state checks sourced from industry. Socialists of the world, eat your hearts out.

    • lulzmonger

      or Valerie Plame

  • Golfing_OJ

    Babysitting Tripp would be awesome. In between tokes from my bong, all I'd have to do is yell "Stop biting the coffee table!" in a tard-friendly tone.

    • Fare la Volpe

      That's good for Sarah, but what would you do about Tripp?

      • Golfing_OJ

        Use him as a frothing, biting, tarding soccerball, what else?

    • Ducandy

      ""Stop biting the coffee table!" in a tard-friendly tone."

      Aw shit, I laughed so hard I made a little poopy in my pants.

  • Terry

    "P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

    A night of from unemployment? Yes, we could all use that, really."

    Where was this baby when she was dancing on that tv show, btw?

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Was Melissa Etheridge there? Cuz that would have been a great punchline.

    • V572625694

      Must confess that as a Penile-American I find my attraction to Ms Etheridge somewhat sexually confusing.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        We all have our own cross to bear…

      • SorosBot

        Hey, one of my first crushes as a kid was on Joan Jett; and I was very disappointed to learn the truth about her, even though it should have been obvious from her not changing the pronouns in "Crimson and Clover".

        • V572625694

          Not to mention Portia Di Rossi. Hot, funnyand a refugee from the Isle of Lesbos. If only she’d get a proper boob job…

          • SorosBot

            As a connoisseur of small breasts, I prefer what she has now. Ellen is a lucky woman, and proves that rich middle-aged lesbians can behave just like rich middle-aged straight men in using their wealth to marry women much younger and hotter than they are.

          • V572625694

            In the long run, all breasts are good.

  • fuflans

    " if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence…"

    so we can safely assume bristol supports gay marriage then? mom is not going to be best pleased i think…

  • MistaEko

    I am sure she wishes that fucking faggot Cho would shut up.

    • Ducandy

      She's my favorite gay-female comic, after Glenn Beck.

  • MinAgain

    "Cho said some inane, unfunny thing"

    Oh, go on. Pull the other one.

  • Tigersmistress

    Shouldn't Bristol have written "Canard" (oops, I said it again)

  • OkieDokieDog

    "commonsense conservative values " — as real as Santa Claus, GOD, Jebus, the Easter Bunny, the Abominable Snowman, and Mike Huckabee.

    What? There IS an Abominable Snowman?!

  • HempDogbane

    "… you would embrace us faster than KD Lang, Rory Block, Melissa Etheridge, those two sisters, Ani DiFranco and Ken Mehlman doing a group hug at an Indigo Girls concert."

    • horsedreamer_1

      Oh, Ani.

      I want to have her over for lasagna & Chianti while we listen to The Chairman of the Board. Our shared Italian-American status will bridge the gap of her being into women & me having external gonads.

    • HempDogbane

      re: those two sisters: Tegan and Sara. Sorry, girls. (Just spell our names right, unless it's in a Wonkette comment about Bristol Palin and Margaret Cho, in which case just call us those two sisters.)

    • joobajooba

      And the whole Lilith Fair, also

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i 'supports the right of individuals like you,' like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, and fully embrace your right to get impregnated by a Whitesnake roadie in the Gravitron at the Fairbanks County Fair.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Here I go again on my own… Going down the only birth-canal I've ever known. Like a twister I was born to walk alone. Oh, I've made it myself…

  • SudsMcKenzie

    All good politicallesbian jokes have to work in Abraham Lincolns beard.

  • doxastic

    Oh yeah, I forgot that part where commonsense conservative values support the right for gays to serve openly in the military and get married while ladies get to have abortions all day.

    But why am I expecting internal coherence? If it dances comme un canard, and writes comme un canard, it's probably a Palin.

  • binarian

    "commonsense conservative values"? Triple axle oxymoron…or did someone get that one already?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      The first Joe Miller in Alaska was a former newspaper baron named John Lindauer. He and his daughter Susan were once held at gunpoint by a disabled Vietnam vet who absentee fathered Evan Ramsey, the first H.S. Principle and student killer of the 90s in Bethel Regional High School. Susan, an anti-war 'journalist' subsequently was nailed for being some sort of self-appointed emissary to Iraq before that was cool.

      Anyways, old John was married to a money-bags baroness and funneled her monies into his doomed campaign as a Compassionate Conservative for the U.S. Senate race in Alaska. He got skunked in humiliating fashion under real vetting and yelped back home to Illinois or somesuch place the way we hope Joe Miller goes back to Kansas.

      Common Sense Compassionate Conservatives are the ones you can never turn your back on.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    From what I know of Margaret Cho, she's a pretty clever lass, and if she lowers herself to a flame war with Lil Miss WhiteTrashWinsTheLotto, I think Brisket will learn the meaning of the term "Fuck with the bull, get the horn." Bringing a knife to a gunfight, as it were.

    • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

      You're thinking of the old Margaret Cho. The one that was funny.

  • Ducksworthy

    Bristle gristle thistle no lesbians here in Wasistle. Thank Gawd

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe we can reach a compromise, and all be in favor of the government filming more lesbian embraces, whether or not at an Indigo Girls Concert.

    • PublicLuxury

      Oh let's. Then the conservatards can bitch about state sponsored lesbians infiltrating our public schools and making the kids go all girl on girl gay.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Only a Republican can complain about some good girl on girl gay.

  • DangerHelvetica

    I read her joke in a Dennis Miller voice.

    • ttommyunger

      Who's Dennis Miller?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Meaning it has been unfunny for nearly 20 years now?

    • forgracie

      The thought makes my teeth hurt…

  • Buzz Feedback

    Margaret Cho is the #1 Korean/Bisexual/Former Addict working the comedy scene.

    • HempDogbane

      But with close competition in Dennis Miller.

  • Cicada

    Hey, Bristol's right!
    According to interviews, Margaret Cho is into group sex and bondage. That gives her plenty of common ground with "commonsense conservatives". Hell, they might even be able to teach her a thing or two about yiffing.

  • snoopyfan2010

    Only a weak person puts that much effort into a fight with her own shadow. I just hope she won.

  • magic_titty

    I call shenanigans. There is no way in hell Bristol Palin ever even heard of 1990's lesbians KD Lang or the Indigo Girls.

    She probably thinks Boy George is a reference to our last president.

    • PublicLuxury

      Boy George. I love that guy. He's soooooo hot.

      • SorosBot

        You probably mean he was so hot; George is seriously pudgy these days.

    • problemwithcaring

      I missed your comment. This was my first thought.

    • predilectrix

      This post came from the Dickensian blacking factory offshore from Anchorage, where urchins and impoverished former dandies are forced by the Palin conglomerate to create Tweets and Facebook updates till their fingers are crippled from arthritis. Once they get caught out writing something ridicious, like about canards, they are tossed on the ice floes.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Wonkette finally has a post with lots of hot lesbian sex but it actually about a Palin being stupid in public.

    A bit of a disappointment.

    • Weenus299

      The Alaska rule: if a blog has the name Palin in it, avoid.

  • hagajim

    Maybe Bristol is actually trying to hit on Margaret (thus the girlfriend thingy)…then she could have sex and not have to worry about getting preggers again. Lesbian dildo sex counts as abstincence and isn't Bristol at about the college age where girls like to experiment?

    • doxastic

      isn't Bristol at about the college age where girls like to experiment?

      In the best way possible: all of the age and none of the college

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's what I love about these high school dropout girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

        All right, all right, all right.

  • slappypaddy

    political insight and gender camaraderie from the canard in the gorilla suit.

  • capitolhillblly

    P.S. Margaret, I hear you make a delicious tuna casserole.

    Your friend,

    Brystal

  • MadBrahms

    So are there "young gunnettes" now, with Bristol and the Meghanator? Ah, modern feminism!

    • doxastic

      Young lib-broads would respond, but we're too busy with our advanced degrees, jobs and whatnot.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    These are not the lesbians I am looking for.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I find her to be a twit, but she does nice work:
      http://www.madisonbound.com (VERY VERY NSFW)

      • HistoriCat

        Why do I only see these NSFW links when I am at work? Damn it all to hell.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          And of course I am never able to remember where they were by the time I get home.

  • qwerty42

    …commonsense conservative values supports… teh ghez? You learn something new every day on Our Wonkette.

    • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

      Do GOP lesbians go for buttsecks? It's been a long time since I read _Sisters_.

      • qwerty42

        Something by Sarah Waters?

  • BombyMcGee

    Yeah, commonsense conservatism sure has been there every step of the way for the fight for gay rights. At every step of the way, yes… opposing each one.

  • marionetta

    I guess Piper's not available for babysitting in Arizona while the canardalistic virgin is awaiting her next blob.

  • karen

    I'm betting she had to look up the lesbian reference on the google, because honestly, I had to. I guess I need to update my Homosexual Agenda: Pop References for 2010/2011.

  • PublicLuxury

    WTF is wrong with that family? Why can't they learn and speak English. Morons all and they're breeding future morons. This is what's wrong in 'merika. 'Merikan's are reversing the evolutionary chain. Fuckin' Palins

  • StillGoinGreen

    Somebody please tell me what's worse – the stupid shit this idiot little farm raised fuckstain says on her Facebook page, or the fact that there are more than 20 similar Alaskan fuckstains reading her page in the first place! She won't die unless we stop breathing life into her!!

  • Mojopo

    Inside I am screaming.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Sure…keeping the government out of our lives also includes having it dive head-first into a woman's womb.

    • tbogg

      I'm no expert but I think that is a lesbian thing. Maybe we should ask kd lang.

  • metamarcisf

    I accidently caught a segment of the mongoloid Palin TV show whereby Sarah teaches Bristol humaneness by showing her how to club halibut with a truncheon.

    • qwerty42

      From Andrew Sullivan
      It has become a Sunday night ritual now: we watch "Sarah Palin's Alaska" followed by "The Walking Dead". The latter is much more believable as reality – but the former has its zombie charms. What's particularly awesome about SPA is that each episode is obviously crafted around a "Sarah's-Just-So-Darn-Great" arc followed swiftly by the brutal murder of various life-forms. ….

  • Weenus299

    Parallelledly speaking, did Buck Owens ever go around hugging up on people at Simon and Garfunkel concert?

    No wait. Did Marty Robbins ever go around hugging up on people at a Queen concert?

  • Eve8Apples

    I'm curious where such a wholesome, abstinence loving, Christian baby mamma from Wasilla obtains her knowledge of lesbian behavior.

    • doxastic

      1995

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    WTF is Bristol's thing with Canardians??????????

  • ttommyunger

    Sorry Bristle, Margaret Cho is talented, and hot.

    • HistoriCat

      Margaret Cho would never call her girlfriend. She might hate-fuck Bristol and leave her begging for more but that's about it.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Then they could auction off the strap-on for charity or campaign contributions or the funding of Huggies or some shit.

  • comrad_darkness

    So . . . Bristol is arguing that conservative values promote the rights of homosexuals. Does that include gay marriage? Cuz that would be a massive 180° turnaround from, say, about 15 milliseconds ago.

    Call me girlfriend. Call me lesbian. Just don't call me late to dinner.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Pawlenty's kids better start making inane homophobic comments at D-list celebrities if he wants to have any shot at all in Iowa.

    • HempDogbane

      Their FB ghostwriters will be trained at Iowa Writers Workshop.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Minneapolis has a WNBA team. So, T-Paw's spawn can get into a flame war with those Lynx.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    P.S. If you want to baby-sit Tripp, I could use a night off.

    Yeah, because she's so involved with Tripp now. Bristol likes her "me time" the way she likes her mayonnaise – in Sam's Club, super-sized, five gallon buckets that kill the heart.

  • comrad_darkness

    (Damn, I am so late. One more try.)

    Eats, Shoots, and Blithers Like an Idiot.

  • slithytoves

    To see the deep-fried soul of America, click on those Facebook links. Jefiner Jones, (no spelling mistake, that's her name, you know how many times she has to correct people's pronunication?): I am proud to stand and put my hand over my heart while the national anthem is played!

  • prommie

    All of them, they all sound like Freddo in The Godfather: "I'm not stupid, I'm smaht."

  • ShiftyParadigm

    From the Single Source Speakers Bureau (where we discover Bristol's speaking fee is $10,000+:

    "Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's oldest daughter, took the country by storm practically overnight when she was introduced to Americans during the 2008 presidential campaign. Her teen pregnancy and the birth of her son Tripp, resulted in millions of Americans discussing the issues surrounding teen pregnancy. Bristol has since gone on to become a Teen Ambassador for the Candie's Foundation, and speaks about pregnancy prevention, abstinence, faith and life. She recently appeared on the ABC drama "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and is working on her first book. "

    It did not specify if she purchased it on amazon.com or got it from the library.

    • metamarcisf

      Yeah, she's still trying to finish "Goin' Rogue"

  • jus_wonderin

    It is obvious from her "joke". Bristol has a strap-on fetish.

    • genxr

      I hear she likes it in the canard.

  • problemwithcaring

    K.D. Lang and not, I don't know, Ellen?

    Seems her ghostwriter forgot that Bristol was born in 1990. And that she is a fucking idiot.

  • MadBrahms

    She knows we have to stop the gay agenda now, before we're all married to canards, which are both animals *and* French, something we just can't stand for.

    • finallyhappy

      Actually canards, while French, are birds- not animals. I am not sure that would be bestiality- it would be avianality

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Well, that's just one way of using the word. In another way, all non-plants are animals.

        • SorosBot

          Except for fungi, protists, bacteria and archaea.

  • GOPCrusher

    "You say you “don’t agree with the family’s politics at all” but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert."

    I'm sorry, but I'm not buying for one second that any of this came out of the brain stem that controls the motor functions of one Brisket Palin. Too many multi-syllable words. And the thought process is somewhat coherent.
    I have to imagine that her first reaction was to call Margaret Cho a "fat faggot", in which the Palin Family ghostwriter translated to this.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      "fat gook faggot"

      fixed it for you.

  • CalamityJames

    Hi, I have a low snark level, so bear with me.

    Hey, Bristol! Shut the fuck up (pleasereadthispleasereadthis) and take care of your own kid! Dancing around like a fucking idiot doesn't entitle you to shit. Being the white-trash daughter of some has-been half-term Governor of Snowganistan doesn't mean you know shit about conservative values. You are trash, your kid has a flat face, and oh my fucking god why were you not beat more often?

    PS: Shove a grizzly canard up your bigot ass.

  • Barbara_i

    I am sick of "Mama's little Chubby Cub", opening that gateway to hell that she calls her mouth and saying stupid shit. Bristol, forget "abstinence" With that attitude of yours, I find you to be beyond unboinkable. The boys of Wasilla would do less damage to their peckers if they just slammed it in their sock drawer several times. Get a real job or an education you worthless, chunky little tub of goo.

  • smokefilledroommate

    If Bristol had a brain, stopped using the word 'canard', and formed her own opinions instead of being a PR extension of her mother, we might have slightly more respect for her faster than Randall Terry can bomb an abortion clinic.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    A little time with Margaret Cho would enlist Bristol in the Sapphic Sisterhood.

    You know what they say: Once you've had Cho, you don't need no mo'.

  • jus_wonderin

    ….faster than Bristol Palin hiding a sausage on the benchseat of Levi's pick 'em up.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Commonsense conservative values: make people laugh when trying to be serious and vice-versa.

  • xsluggo

    Which of her brothers is Tripp? The slow one, or the slower one who just got out of the Army? I’m confusiated.

  • Neoyorquino

    Shes projecting. Odds are that she posts on FB whenever she comes up for air from being ears-deep in Mons Veneris.

  • Neilist

    "[C]omedian Margaret Cho . . . ."

    This must be a use of "comedian" Previously Unknown to Western Science.

    I mean, aren't "comedians" supposed to be . . . well . . .funny?

  • Neilist

    Oh, and when it comes to "naked lesbians": Are we talking about the Young, Hot, Skinny, Cranked Up On Blow Margaret Cho?

    Or the Old, Ugly/Bitter, FAT, Downers & Gin Margaret Cho?

    (You know, the Margaret Cho referred to as "The Next Korean War"?)

  • Thedongsofwar

    STOP MAKING FUN OF YOUR MOM'S ACCENT, MS CHO!

  • iburl

    Which Palin is the most likely to go to jail first? Brisket? Geometry? Puddles? Saskatoon? Fiddlesticks?

  • OldRedneck

    Well, speaking as an OLD redneck, I don't understand all the references to "KD Lang" and the "Indigo Girls." I mean, are they anything like MD 20/20 or a Bull 40?

    But, then, I'm a REALLY OLD redneck and about the only excitement in my life is rolling a fat boy now and then.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm34ZLlIvQg

  • JackObin

    How exactly is the gummit "interfering in the life" of this Palin halfwit? She should just state what's on her tiny mind, to wit: "We don't wanna give no money to the negroes".

  • Negropolis

    All girls and women should aspire to have the high "family values" of the Palins. You know, with Tripp's meth-headed grandma, his other grifting grandma, his flunkie father, his loose mother, his foul-mouthed auntie, his…well, you get the point.

    Bristol should really demand that her mother's publicist stop posting shit in her name. That's only assumming Bristol doesn't know or cares.

  • exitBxC

    Well, Bristol Plain is funnier Margret Cho. A shame Bristol isn't trying.

  • __kth__

    In fairness, any posts with compound sentences are nearly certain not to have actually been written by Palin family members.