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Diaperman-elect.John Boehner is becoming House speaker. It is time to learn who John Boehner is. John Boehner is a dull shell of a human. According to a new profile of the man, John Boehner, who has very sensitive tear ducts, seems to be very worried that he will be perceived as a child. “This is going to be probably the first really big adult moment,” he said about his party having a majority in the new Congress. (It doesn’t say whether his voice cracked when he uttered this.) John Boehner does not care about strategy, message, or public policy. He only cares about appearing the most adult person in the room. This makes him seem a bit insecure; perhaps this is an outlook better suited to a precocious child than a statesman. But it all makes sense when you find out that John Boehner has his very own diaper problem.

Here’s what his childhood home was like:

The place was on a hilltop in the part of Reading that was considered “the country”; there were no city snowplow services and water was (and is still) collected in a cistern. […] “I used to sleep over there a lot, and my one vivid memory of their house is that I’ve never, ever been there when there wasn’t diapers hanging all over,” Jerry Vanden Eynden, Boehner’s closest friend since childhood, says. “If it was the summertime, diapers were hanging outside. If it was winter, the basement was full. It was just diapers.”

JOHN BOEHNER LIVED ON A PILE OF DIAPERS. In the middle of nowhere. For the length of his developmental years. Everything was diapers. Diapers were his pets. Diapers were his television. He ate diapers when he needed food.

And David Vitter is the one with the alleged diaper fetish? Boehner seems pretty lucky that he only got out of there with a weird complex about being perceived as an adult.

Meanwhile, it’s unkind to make jokes about Catholic families, so we will let irony do it for us:

Bob Boehner, the eldest child, remembers coming home on leave from the Army in the early nineteen-seventies and finding his youngest brother asleep in his bed. “I told him to get out of my bed, and he didn’t know who I was,” he recalls.

Also, John Boehner decided it was wrong to protest the Vietnam War, but he got out of seeing action with a bit of luck and a bad back. A bad back probably caused by sleeping on a pile of diapers. But his PTSD is probably just as bad as those who served there. Witnessing horrific violence is pretty comparable to living with 20 other people in a den made of diapers, for decades. [New Yorker]

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