John Boehner Obsessed With Being an ‘Adult,’ Also Has Diaper Problem

Diaperman-elect.John Boehner is becoming House speaker. It is time to learn who John Boehner is. John Boehner is a dull shell of a human. According to a new profile of the man, John Boehner, who has very sensitive tear ducts, seems to be very worried that he will be perceived as a child. “This is going to be probably the first really big adult moment,” he said about his party having a majority in the new Congress. (It doesn’t say whether his voice cracked when he uttered this.) John Boehner does not care about strategy, message, or public policy. He only cares about appearing the most adult person in the room. This makes him seem a bit insecure; perhaps this is an outlook better suited to a precocious child than a statesman. But it all makes sense when you find out that John Boehner has his very own diaper problem.

Here’s what his childhood home was like:

The place was on a hilltop in the part of Reading that was considered “the country”; there were no city snowplow services and water was (and is still) collected in a cistern. [...] “I used to sleep over there a lot, and my one vivid memory of their house is that I’ve never, ever been there when there wasn’t diapers hanging all over,” Jerry Vanden Eynden, Boehner’s closest friend since childhood, says. “If it was the summertime, diapers were hanging outside. If it was winter, the basement was full. It was just diapers.”

JOHN BOEHNER LIVED ON A PILE OF DIAPERS. In the middle of nowhere. For the length of his developmental years. Everything was diapers. Diapers were his pets. Diapers were his television. He ate diapers when he needed food.

And David Vitter is the one with the alleged diaper fetish? Boehner seems pretty lucky that he only got out of there with a weird complex about being perceived as an adult.

Meanwhile, it’s unkind to make jokes about Catholic families, so we will let irony do it for us:

Bob Boehner, the eldest child, remembers coming home on leave from the Army in the early nineteen-seventies and finding his youngest brother asleep in his bed. “I told him to get out of my bed, and he didn’t know who I was,” he recalls.

Also, John Boehner decided it was wrong to protest the Vietnam War, but he got out of seeing action with a bit of luck and a bad back. A bad back probably caused by sleeping on a pile of diapers. But his PTSD is probably just as bad as those who served there. Witnessing horrific violence is pretty comparable to living with 20 other people in a den made of diapers, for decades. [New Yorker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. ttommyunger

    Oh John, it's all about you, isn't it? Your tan, your hair, your cigs. your ego, your diapers, your greed, your mendacity, your oafishness, your allegiance to the MegaCorps? I can't go on, I'm tearing up again.

    1. Beowoof

      I think he can't get over having his ass beat a lot as a kid and now he is taking it out on the rest of us.

          1. SheriffRoscoe

            Shhh….conservetard is just trying her hand at this thing we call "satire." And proving she has no clue what it is.

          2. pauletteanne

            You just haven't discovered the concept of "bringin' the funny" have you?

            It all depends, some of the things you fine folks say are funny.
            I just dont like hanging with conservative people that much because they dont like the arts and I do.

            I think you folks are funny.
            Maybe I should accentuate the positive.
            Thx Sheriff.

          3. CZL

            Of course not. Jews are wonderful and diverse people with a rich heritage and bitchin' bagels. Republicans are bad people.

          4. Gleem_McShineys

            Ah, yes, the "Nature vs. Nurture" question. Is he bad because he became a Repub, or did he become a Repub, because he is bad?

            Quite a perplexing problem.

          5. Negropolis

            Are you a bad person because you have chosen to be a complete and utter bitch to the internet?

            I guess that answers both questions.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Sounds like those diapers were the cloth/reuseable kind.

    Were Boehner's parents some kind of hippy recyclist climate-change believers?

  3. ManchuCandidate

    If they ever make an "action" figure dollie of John Boner, it's going to be even worse than Betsey Wetsey or Tammy Tinkle.

    Crying, pooping, with diapers, comes with a tube of orange goo to smear on the face with a streak of yellow on the belly and the nicotine stains.

    Under every contarded dipshit's Holiday tree next year.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Look at them, bluidy Catholics. Filling the bluidy world up with bluidy people they can't afford to bluidy feed.

  5. Beowoof

    You know a Boehner Inaction figure comes with a box of red wine and a three pack a day habit. With a box of nicotine patches for any airplane rides.

  6. Buzz Feedback

    "If I see someone come in and he's got a diaper on his head, and a fan belt wrapped around the diaper on his head, that guy needs to be pulled over and checked."

  7. metamarcisf

    Finally, the GOP dream ticket rears it's ugly head:

    Boner – Vitter, 2012

    start printing those bumper sickers.

  8. MadBrahms

    Could we put a diaper *back* on him, so he stops shitting all over everyone else in this country? Gawd.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    “If it was the summertime, diapers were hanging outside. If it was winter, the basement was full. It was just diapers.”

    The important question that no one here has asked yet is, "Were they clean diapers or dirty diapers?" There's a big difference.

  10. freakishlywrong

    John Boehner is becoming House speaker.

    Jesus Christ. Two years of this vile, orange hack surrounded by his entourage of ghouls informing us of all the awful policy coming our way due to The American People ™ having spoken. There's not enough box'a wine to blot it out.

  11. Terry

    "Also, John Boehner decided it was wrong to protest the Vietnam War, but he got out of seeing action with a bit of luck and a bad back."

    Of course, he did.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I'm picturing Jonah Hill in Superbad, exaggeratedly grasping for the small of his back after getting rear-ended by creepy Joe Lo Truglio's beater.

  12. SorosBot

    According to the article, Boehner's dad had all his many, many children work in his bar, so we can see where John got his alcohol and tobacco fetishes.

    They also had all of them in a two-bedroom house; and here is some documentary footage of the Boehner family household:

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    From a little publicized speech:

    "Gosh, I can remember as a kid [voice cracks] my mother doing all those diapers. [voice cracks] She'd get up in the mornin' [voice cracks] and change diapers. Come afternoon, there she'd be, watchin' Days Of Our Lives and changin' diapers. [voice cracks] Dad would come home from work, and he'd get his diaper changed too. [sobs uncontrollably.]"

  14. weejee

    Next Congress Mr. Sneaker Boner will just luv to Pamper the rich, and give corporation CEOs Huggies. Too bad the way too lame ducktards can't give him a tax cut for the rich wedgie before this session ends.

  15. HurricaneAli

    He only cares about seeming like this most adult person in the room. This makes him seem a bit insecure, and perhaps this is an outlook better suited to a precocious child than a statesman.

    Brilliant commentary, Jack – who says you can't get hard-hitting analysis at Wonkette? I would like to know, so I can punch them in the head.

  16. V572625694

    What is it about a bad back that makes it a get-out-of-conscription-free card? The fact that you can't disprove it.

    What a douche bag. We sympathize with your lack of self of steam, Mr Speaker-Presumptive, but don't take it out on us.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Between all the "bad backs", ass pustules, and other assorted maladies afflicting conservative men between the ages of 18 and 25, it's a wonder U.S. Murka has any fighting force at all. Now with regards to teh gheys, those wouldn't be ass pustules, they'd be anal warts….MAYBE……and not a bad back among the whole lot.

  17. prommie

    You know, a sentimental, weepy drunk is just the kind of person who might actually feel some sense of awe in coming to such a position as Boehner has achieved, and really, he could just have some shred of integrity that, like the Grinch's heart, will grow ten times its size, as he realizes its not all about the political fighting, its about the good of the country. Maybe? Just slightly possible?

    Really, your typical weepy drunk is at any rate, usually a sincere person; they may be wrong, assholish, but, when someone cries out of weepy, sincere, drunken patriotism during the pledge of allegiance, as if they think they are at the alter, marrying the flag and the USA, there's a sincerity there, stupid and deluded sincerity, but sincerity.

    The guy could actually be inspired, it could happen.

    Nah, nevermind.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe, just maybe, we should stop electing disfunctional people to the highest offices in our land.

    I'm just sayin'.

    1. user-of-owls

      Ha ha ha, oh, that's too rich Mr. Hutz. What? No, you couldn't have been…no, that just wouldn't make sense at all.

  19. natoslug

    The only movement I want to hear about from Boehner is his moving his ass out of politics and into horse-on-orange fetish porn. Released on Betamax.

  20. An_Outhouse

    “This is going to be probably the first time my country has made me proud” said the notoriously crying man child just prior to shitting his pants.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Didn't Michelle Obama get verbally abused when she said something like this during the 2008 campaign?

  21. lulzmonger

    Does anyone actually expect Johnny Emo to suddenly act like his nuts have dropped because he has a new job title? Why? Baaaawing & frothing with rage like a perpetually-menstruating sophomore has been a ticket to success for him so far, so why the hell would he stop now?

    Boehner will die without ever being confused or inconvenienced by an "adult moment" – really big or otherwise.

  22. el_donaldo

    "Adult" is a euphemism for really old, as in "adult diapers," or for carnal knowledge, as in "adult themes." Only in the modern GOP do those two euphemisms seem to merge into the same horrible thing.

  23. WigFlipper

    “You have to measure Boehner against other Boehners—you can’t measure him against me." – Newty

    Newt definitely doesn't want anyone measuring his Boehner. No body-scans for him, thank you very much!

  24. sati_demise

    This may explain why he has no idea of how many of his siblings are unemployed and hating his guts for blocking unemployment compensation.

  25. Chet Kincaid

    I have not yet seen the default Boehner three-brand salute combining an outdated men's grooming product, hard liquor and tobacco. I'm not great at it, but…

    "The Boehner household diapers all had a peculiar reek of Hai Karate, Harvey's Bristol Cream and Pall Malls."

  26. LeAlbatross

    I'm confused; he was in the service already, but didn't see combat (wow, never saw that coming from a GOP-type) because of a bad back…

    Howinhell does that happen?

  27. PublicLuxury

    This new diaper evidence is very revealing.

    His momma didn't have time to nurture him because his father, drunk every night, came home a rutting stag. This kept momma barefoot and pregnant, like all good Catholic mothers should be. Momma didn't have time to hug and kiss Johnny.

    Johnny spent his time in the tavern, with his father, getting to know loose women and experimenting with wild concoctions of booze and smoking Camels. As a teenager, he rolled those Camels into the sleeve of his tee-shirt, James Dean style. It was while he was helping his pregnant mother haul a load of wet diapers to the washboard that he slipped on a bar of homemade lye soap and sprained his back. Thus allowing him to suckle at the teat of the VA until death they do part.

    Boehner: The story of Us: pages 0-00.

  28. Golfing_OJ

    "Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance. My son. John BONER."

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