That's MRS. Flotus to you ...As you waited in line for a jumbo slice of pizza at Costco this weekend, did you notice that something was missing? Has the candy aisle at your local grocery store disappeared or been replaced with a shelf full of lettuce? If you have checked your fat son or daughter’s bedroom and noticed that there is no occupant in sight, it’s probably because last week, Michelle Obama’s No Fat Kid Left Behind bill passed the House and is now awaiting a signature from the President, who will probably throw it in the garbage because he loves to eat hamburgers and cigarettes.

Obesity — and hunger, because if there’s one thing worse than a kid with too much food it’s a kid who won’t stop whining about the empty jar of Bacos — is now completely over forever, thanks to our FLOTUS and the passage of “The Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act.” The $4.5 billion bill approved by the House 264-157 basically puts Michelle Obama in charge of all the vending machines, or something. It also makes bake sales totally illegal, and any child caught planning or purchasing food at a bake sale will be sent straight to Gitmo with a backpack full of Lean Cuisines.

Bake sales and other school sponsored fundraisers that sell unhealthy foods could be limited under the legislation, which only allows them if they are infrequent. The Agriculture Department would determine how often they could be held. Public health advocates pushed for the language, saying they are concerned about daily or weekly fundraisers that allow children to substitute junk food for a healthier meal.

This kind of nonsense really sends Great American Mind and teevee person Gretchen Carlson into a state of rage and helplessness, because who are the people of the Department of Agriculture to inappropriately touch our children’s muffins?

Brian Kilmeade and his sad, lonely cupcake plate were similarly enraged by Michelle’s “ban on bake sales,” even though it doesn’t exactly “exist,” per se, because isn’t it every child’s right, as an American, to buy cake in support of new cheer leading uniforms that will be sparkly and flattering, even on children who prefer to stuff their faces with cake?

Maybe things are done a certain way in Michelle’s household, but in Real America, parents raise their children a certain way. It’s a tradition of getting children strung out on caffeine and sugar and then soothing them with ADHD medication every hour, on the hour, and no child nutrition bill is going to take away that special Freedom. [AP]

Blair Burke ( obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette. Except when it appears on a Tuesday.

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  • MinAgain

    They'll take my cupcake when they pry it from my cold, fat fingers.

    • Ah, but those homemade cupcakes aren't going to kill you. Leastways not as fast as the FUNdRaiser Krispy Kremes my daughter's choir is always selling.

      Lethally delicious.

  • SorosBot

    Fox News may have mislead its viewers about the consequences of the bill in order to smear the Democrats and First Lady? Shocking!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The High Fructose Corn Syrup-Bilderberger-Bohemian Grove combine has now set in motion their plans to ensure that FLOTUS will soon have her very own "Dealey Plaza Moment."

  • Pragmatist2

    But we can still do drugs, right?

    • StillGoinGreen

      That was Nancy's war – torch away!

  • TheInternet


    First they came for the diabeetus….

    • Negropolis

      …and I was silent 'cause I hadz the hypertensions and not The Sugar…

  • horsedreamer_1

    They sell baked goods/other food-stuffs at the school that functions as my polling-station. The chili is surprisingly good. & if Michelle takes that away from me, I'm voting Green in 2012.

  • It's obviously a government takeover. Jesus created the Agriculture Department strictly to cut subsidy checks to Archer Daniels and Con-Agra, not ram tofu dogs down our throats.

  • freakishlywrong

    So, Bake Sale Panels?

  • Lucidamente1

    I was trying to write something snarky about this being part of the War on Christmas (cookies), when I read this actual quote from the ABC story:

    "What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat," Palin said in a radio interview with Laura Ingraham recently. "Just leave us alone, get off our back, and allow us as individuals to exercise our own God-given rights to make our own decisions and then our country gets back on the right track."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Because once we put the gastronomic divide behind us, everything will be hunky-dory and the sky's the limit."

  • An_Outhouse

    Does Michelle sit around all day thinking up shit to drive the wingers into state of apoplexy? What's next, school uniforms for the nation that coincidentally resemble Black Panther garb?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Does Michelle sit around all day thinking up shit to drive the wingers into state of apoplexy?

      I sure as shit hope she does, since her husband seems incapable of doing so.

      • MozakiBlocks

        I thought we'd established that his very existence drives the wingers into a state of apoplexy.

    • SorosBot

      You seem to be mixing up cause and effect here; anything Michelle does drives the wingers crazy, if she did a Nancy Reagan style "just say no" video the wingnuts would start smoking crack in protest.

      • An_Outhouse

        See what I mean? She knows this and is planning to do exactly that.

        And then she laughs and laughs.

        • chicken_thief

          And for the first time in her life, is really proud of herself.

    • school uniforms for the nation that coincidentally resemble Black Panther garb?

      That would be sweet. Then I'd be borrowing the black berets from my kids all the time, instead of the other way around. Always stealing dad's beret, then leaving it somewhere; godknowswhere.

      This is not a problem an incipient father contemplates when he's contemplating the consequences of fatherhood.

  • angryclownspawn

    Here's a thought, maybe we shouldn't be funding our local schools through fucking bake sales.

    • Lucidamente1

      What are you, a Muslim?

    • MinAgain

      That's radical commie anti-capitalism talk, right there.

  • MissTaken

    So I can only handle my muffin infrequently, not daily or weekly anymore?

    • Moonbat

      No, no. You can handle your own muffin whenever you like; you just can't let school kids handle your muffin more than "infrequently." Which, honestly, seems like a lot of wiggle room.

      • MissTaken

        Phew! I was worried my wiggle room was going to be a muffin-free zone

  • OkieDokieDog

    It is the God given right of Merikans to feed their precious offsprings sugar and lard laden fudstuffs! !

    Then the great white God saidith undo them that will obeyz: eat now, eat often, the fatz an the corn syrupyz brought forth from the Gummint overlordz by subsidiez. Nom nom, siad Jebus, it bees sum damn gud eatin'. Raizens suk tho. Needz moar chocolatt.

    Lil Debbie 2:13

  • Plowmon

    Unless you're Charlie Rangle, then your bake sale is only an oversight…

  • PublicLuxury

    Hmmm Salad or a Big Mac, Fries and a Super Size Coke.

    Maybe they smash up the Big Mac, fries into the salad, then the snotty nosed, pissed up hands of our 'Mericun kidds can eat it all up. But there is already lettuce on the Big Mac so I am not sure how are FLOTUS will git this here dun.


      • chicken_thief

        That's "diet Coke"… watchin that waist (waste?) line, ya know!

  • magic_titty

    President Obama will soon sign a compromise bill into law, allowing every American child to dine on as much junk food as they'd like.

  • Ruhe

    "It’s a tradition of getting children strung out on caffeine and sugar"
    True story: Saturday I was coaching my daughter's U4 soccer team. U4 means under four, so these are three year olds. At the sidelines near the other team's bench were the parents of a kid on the other team and they were bragging, yes bragging, to the coach that their son, whom they were clearly desperately proud of, had "sucked down a whole 16 oz Dew" just before the game. From what I can see, the real American tradition is one of irresponsible copulation by those without the competence to deal with the predictable outcome.

    • I used to coach little kid's soccer too. Don't worry, once the caffeine and sugar wear off, the fat kid will schlump himself for nappy time in the front of the tiny little goal, and the opposing team will remain scoreless.

  • V572625694

    How desperate to be on the teevee do you have to be, Mr Urban MD State Senator, to agree to a cupcake debate with an apparent Lesbian?

  • Serolf_Divad

    It's all part of Obama's master anti-colonialist plan, folks:

    STEP 1: Ban bake sales at schools in the name of promoting health eating habits for our children.

    STEP: 2 Adequately fund schools and force the Air Force to hold bake sales for purchasing bombers.

    STEP 3: Ban bake sales at Air Force bases in the name of promoting healthy eating habits among our soldiers.

    STEP 3: A defensless America is invaded by Robert Mugabe, whose troops were invited to "help stabilize" the country by Barack Obama.

    STEP4: Mugabe declares himself Caliph of America.

    • SorosBot

      Try posting that on Brietbart; you might get some people there to actually believe this.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Are you kidding me? I copped this from Breitbart.

      • It's been postulated before: complete sarcasm here gets just as many thumbs up (taken at face value) over on Brietbart. I'd test the theory myself, but that means I'd have to go read Breitbart, and that I am not willing to do. (Blood pressure issues)

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Next, Miss Goody Two-Shoes will probably make school cafeterias stop serving garbage. Ketchup as Vegi serving=Freedom

  • HempDogbane

    She's bluffin'…

  • SorosBot

    My muffin top is all that,
    Whole grain, low fat,
    I know you wanna piece of that,
    But I just wanna dance.
    Checkin' out my sweet hips,
    My sugar-coated berry lips,
    I know you wanna get with this,
    But I'm just here to dance.

  • SayItWithWookies

    How dare Big Government step in and tell our children about nutrition — they get all the information they need to know from the vending machines in the hall.

    • Serolf_Divad

      First they came for the cigarette vending machines in the school cafeteria and I said nothing because I wasn't a smoker.

      Then they came for the candy machines in the school cafeteria and I said nothing because I don't eat that much candy.

      And when they came for Baby Jesus there was no one left to speak up.

      • MinAgain

        I was wondering when someone was going to trot out that piece of rhetoric. Well done, sir.

      • Vending machines wouldn't have helped Baby Jesus anyway. Anyone who's used a vending machine as much as I have for acquiring much needed, timely sustenance knows that vending machines are the minions of Satan.

        • Serolf_Divad

          You LIE, sir! Why, the Virgin mary got baby Jesus himself out of a vending machine. How do you think she remained a virgin, if not?

  • fuflans

    and the hysterical right yet again gives eddie izzard new relevance:

    CAkE Or DeATh!!!

  • Guppy06

    Why is Fox bothering to report it? I thought all their viewers homeschooled their own kids.

  • Winnie_Cooper

    I normally don't go this way, but I invite Michelle Obama to touch my muffin anytime she wants to.

  • chicken_thief

    Ok, Lucy, you got your haircut – gimme my bowl back.

  • This story is not about what I thought it was going to be about.

  • JimmyCarlBlack

    Any chance she could ban all the other kinds of school fundraisers, too? Because that would work out really well for me.

    • SorosBot

      It would be great if she could ban those raffles that kids' parents then pressure their friends into buying chances for.

    • Mindblank

      Yeah. It would stop kid's parents from having to shill school shit to co-workers.

    • agreed…this will end the pressure on me to buy from kids their homemade god-knows-what.

  • Mindblank

    Ban bake sales and only criminals will have bake sales! Stop the War on Twinkies!

  • Extemporanus

    You ain't seen nothin' till you're down on a muffin.

  • ttommyunger

    Like I've been sayin' either of the Obamas could walk on water in front of thousands of witnesses and the Fox Headlines would be: "POTUS AND FLOTUS CAN'T SWIM!!!"

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