FLOTUS FILES  11:43 am December 7, 2010

Michelle Obama Gets Her Hands All Over Everyone’s Muffins

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...As you waited in line for a jumbo slice of pizza at Costco this weekend, did you notice that something was missing? Has the candy aisle at your local grocery store disappeared or been replaced with a shelf full of lettuce? If you have checked your fat son or daughter’s bedroom and noticed that there is no occupant in sight, it’s probably because last week, Michelle Obama’s No Fat Kid Left Behind bill passed the House and is now awaiting a signature from the President, who will probably throw it in the garbage because he loves to eat hamburgers and cigarettes.

Obesity — and hunger, because if there’s one thing worse than a kid with too much food it’s a kid who won’t stop whining about the empty jar of Bacos — is now completely over forever, thanks to our FLOTUS and the passage of “The Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act.” The $4.5 billion bill approved by the House 264-157 basically puts Michelle Obama in charge of all the vending machines, or something. It also makes bake sales totally illegal, and any child caught planning or purchasing food at a bake sale will be sent straight to Gitmo with a backpack full of Lean Cuisines.

Bake sales and other school sponsored fundraisers that sell unhealthy foods could be limited under the legislation, which only allows them if they are infrequent. The Agriculture Department would determine how often they could be held. Public health advocates pushed for the language, saying they are concerned about daily or weekly fundraisers that allow children to substitute junk food for a healthier meal.

This kind of nonsense really sends Great American Mind and teevee person Gretchen Carlson into a state of rage and helplessness, because who are the people of the Department of Agriculture to inappropriately touch our children’s muffins?

Brian Kilmeade and his sad, lonely cupcake plate were similarly enraged by Michelle’s “ban on bake sales,” even though it doesn’t exactly “exist,” per se, because isn’t it every child’s right, as an American, to buy cake in support of new cheer leading uniforms that will be sparkly and flattering, even on children who prefer to stuff their faces with cake?

Maybe things are done a certain way in Michelle’s household, but in Real America, parents raise their children a certain way. It’s a tradition of getting children strung out on caffeine and sugar and then soothing them with ADHD medication every hour, on the hour, and no child nutrition bill is going to take away that special Freedom. [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette. Except when it appears on a Tuesday.

 
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{ 59 comments }

MinAgain December 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

They'll take my cupcake when they pry it from my cold, fat fingers.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Ah, but those homemade cupcakes aren't going to kill you. Leastways not as fast as the FUNdRaiser Krispy Kremes my daughter's choir is always selling.

Lethally delicious.

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 11:49 am

Fox News may have mislead its viewers about the consequences of the bill in order to smear the Democrats and First Lady? Shocking!

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 11:52 am

The High Fructose Corn Syrup-Bilderberger-Bohemian Grove combine has now set in motion their plans to ensure that FLOTUS will soon have her very own "Dealey Plaza Moment."

Pragmatist2 December 7, 2010 at 11:53 am

But we can still do drugs, right?

StillGoinGreen December 7, 2010 at 12:11 pm

That was Nancy's war – torch away!

TheInternet December 7, 2010 at 11:53 am

Bolshevism!

First they came for the diabeetus….

Negropolis December 8, 2010 at 2:01 am

…and I was silent 'cause I hadz the hypertensions and not The Sugar…

horsedreamer_1 December 7, 2010 at 11:53 am

They sell baked goods/other food-stuffs at the school that functions as my polling-station. The chili is surprisingly good. & if Michelle takes that away from me, I'm voting Green in 2012.

harry_palmer December 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

It's obviously a government takeover. Jesus created the Agriculture Department strictly to cut subsidy checks to Archer Daniels and Con-Agra, not ram tofu dogs down our throats.

freakishlywrong December 7, 2010 at 12:02 pm

So, Bake Sale Panels?

Lucidamente1 December 7, 2010 at 12:05 pm

I was trying to write something snarky about this being part of the War on Christmas (cookies), when I read this actual quote from the ABC story:

"What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat," Palin said in a radio interview with Laura Ingraham recently. "Just leave us alone, get off our back, and allow us as individuals to exercise our own God-given rights to make our own decisions and then our country gets back on the right track."

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 12:10 pm

"Because once we put the gastronomic divide behind us, everything will be hunky-dory and the sky's the limit."

An_Outhouse December 7, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Does Michelle sit around all day thinking up shit to drive the wingers into state of apoplexy? What's next, school uniforms for the nation that coincidentally resemble Black Panther garb?

BaldarTFlagass December 7, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Does Michelle sit around all day thinking up shit to drive the wingers into state of apoplexy?

I sure as shit hope she does, since her husband seems incapable of doing so.

MozakiBlocks December 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I thought we'd established that his very existence drives the wingers into a state of apoplexy.

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 12:16 pm

You seem to be mixing up cause and effect here; anything Michelle does drives the wingers crazy, if she did a Nancy Reagan style "just say no" video the wingnuts would start smoking crack in protest.

An_Outhouse December 7, 2010 at 12:42 pm

See what I mean? She knows this and is planning to do exactly that.

And then she laughs and laughs.

chicken_thief December 7, 2010 at 12:54 pm

And for the first time in her life, is really proud of herself.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:44 pm

school uniforms for the nation that coincidentally resemble Black Panther garb?

That would be sweet. Then I'd be borrowing the black berets from my kids all the time, instead of the other way around. Always stealing dad's beret, then leaving it somewhere; godknowswhere.

This is not a problem an incipient father contemplates when he's contemplating the consequences of fatherhood.

angryclownspawn December 7, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Here's a thought, maybe we shouldn't be funding our local schools through fucking bake sales.

Lucidamente1 December 7, 2010 at 12:06 pm

What are you, a Muslim?

MinAgain December 7, 2010 at 12:21 pm

That's radical commie anti-capitalism talk, right there.

MissTaken December 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm

So I can only handle my muffin infrequently, not daily or weekly anymore?

Moonbat December 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm

No, no. You can handle your own muffin whenever you like; you just can't let school kids handle your muffin more than "infrequently." Which, honestly, seems like a lot of wiggle room.

MissTaken December 7, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Phew! I was worried my wiggle room was going to be a muffin-free zone

OkieDokieDog December 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm

It is the God given right of Merikans to feed their precious offsprings sugar and lard laden fudstuffs! !

Then the great white God saidith undo them that will obeyz: eat now, eat often, the fatz an the corn syrupyz brought forth from the Gummint overlordz by subsidiez. Nom nom, siad Jebus, it bees sum damn gud eatin'. Raizens suk tho. Needz moar chocolatt.

Lil Debbie 2:13

Plowmon December 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Unless you're Charlie Rangle, then your bake sale is only an oversight…

PublicLuxury December 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Hmmm Salad or a Big Mac, Fries and a Super Size Coke.

Maybe they smash up the Big Mac, fries into the salad, then the snotty nosed, pissed up hands of our 'Mericun kidds can eat it all up. But there is already lettuce on the Big Mac so I am not sure how are FLOTUS will git this here dun.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:46 pm

YOU FORGOT KETCHUP.

chicken_thief December 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

That's "diet Coke"… watchin that waist (waste?) line, ya know!

magic_titty December 7, 2010 at 12:14 pm

President Obama will soon sign a compromise bill into law, allowing every American child to dine on as much junk food as they'd like.

Ruhe December 7, 2010 at 12:14 pm

"It’s a tradition of getting children strung out on caffeine and sugar"
True story: Saturday I was coaching my daughter's U4 soccer team. U4 means under four, so these are three year olds. At the sidelines near the other team's bench were the parents of a kid on the other team and they were bragging, yes bragging, to the coach that their son, whom they were clearly desperately proud of, had "sucked down a whole 16 oz Dew" just before the game. From what I can see, the real American tradition is one of irresponsible copulation by those without the competence to deal with the predictable outcome.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I used to coach little kid's soccer too. Don't worry, once the caffeine and sugar wear off, the fat kid will schlump himself for nappy time in the front of the tiny little goal, and the opposing team will remain scoreless.

V572625694 December 7, 2010 at 12:16 pm

How desperate to be on the teevee do you have to be, Mr Urban MD State Senator, to agree to a cupcake debate with an apparent Lesbian?

Serolf_Divad December 7, 2010 at 12:17 pm

It's all part of Obama's master anti-colonialist plan, folks:

STEP 1: Ban bake sales at schools in the name of promoting health eating habits for our children.

STEP: 2 Adequately fund schools and force the Air Force to hold bake sales for purchasing bombers.

STEP 3: Ban bake sales at Air Force bases in the name of promoting healthy eating habits among our soldiers.

STEP 3: A defensless America is invaded by Robert Mugabe, whose troops were invited to "help stabilize" the country by Barack Obama.

STEP4: Mugabe declares himself Caliph of America.

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Try posting that on Brietbart; you might get some people there to actually believe this.

Serolf_Divad December 7, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Are you kidding me? I copped this from Breitbart.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:53 pm

It's been postulated before: complete sarcasm here gets just as many thumbs up (taken at face value) over on Brietbart. I'd test the theory myself, but that means I'd have to go read Breitbart, and that I am not willing to do. (Blood pressure issues)

tribbzthesquidz December 7, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Next, Miss Goody Two-Shoes will probably make school cafeterias stop serving garbage. Ketchup as Vegi serving=Freedom

HempDogbane December 7, 2010 at 12:19 pm

She's bluffin'…

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 12:19 pm

My muffin top is all that,
Whole grain, low fat,
I know you wanna piece of that,
But I just wanna dance.
Checkin' out my sweet hips,
My sugar-coated berry lips,
I know you wanna get with this,
But I'm just here to dance.

SayItWithWookies December 7, 2010 at 12:26 pm

How dare Big Government step in and tell our children about nutrition — they get all the information they need to know from the vending machines in the hall.

Serolf_Divad December 7, 2010 at 12:29 pm

First they came for the cigarette vending machines in the school cafeteria and I said nothing because I wasn't a smoker.

Then they came for the candy machines in the school cafeteria and I said nothing because I don't eat that much candy.

And when they came for Baby Jesus there was no one left to speak up.

MinAgain December 7, 2010 at 12:41 pm

I was wondering when someone was going to trot out that piece of rhetoric. Well done, sir.

Lascauxcaveman December 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Vending machines wouldn't have helped Baby Jesus anyway. Anyone who's used a vending machine as much as I have for acquiring much needed, timely sustenance knows that vending machines are the minions of Satan.

Serolf_Divad December 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

You LIE, sir! Why, the Virgin mary got baby Jesus himself out of a vending machine. How do you think she remained a virgin, if not?

fuflans December 7, 2010 at 12:44 pm

and the hysterical right yet again gives eddie izzard new relevance:

CAkE Or DeATh!!!

Guppy06 December 7, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Why is Fox bothering to report it? I thought all their viewers homeschooled their own kids.

Winnie_Cooper December 7, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I normally don't go this way, but I invite Michelle Obama to touch my muffin anytime she wants to.

chicken_thief December 7, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Ok, Lucy, you got your haircut – gimme my bowl back.

assistantatlas December 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

This story is not about what I thought it was going to be about.

JimmyCarlBlack December 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Any chance she could ban all the other kinds of school fundraisers, too? Because that would work out really well for me.

SorosBot December 7, 2010 at 2:32 pm

It would be great if she could ban those raffles that kids' parents then pressure their friends into buying chances for.

Mindblank December 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Yeah. It would stop kid's parents from having to shill school shit to co-workers.

simplyblue7 December 7, 2010 at 4:17 pm

agreed…this will end the pressure on me to buy from kids their homemade god-knows-what.

Mindblank December 7, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Ban bake sales and only criminals will have bake sales! Stop the War on Twinkies!

Extemporanus December 7, 2010 at 3:10 pm

You ain't seen nothin' till you're down on a muffin.

ttommyunger December 7, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Like I've been sayin' either of the Obamas could walk on water in front of thousands of witnesses and the Fox Headlines would be: "POTUS AND FLOTUS CAN'T SWIM!!!"

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