Who knew Keith Richards’ autobiography, Life, would be such a perfect political history of the 1950s-2000s? We’ve been tremendously enjoying this book, having accidentally received a copy surely intended for Pitchfork or Tumblr or something, and we’ve been especially delighted by the political anecdotes, of which there are hundreds. Hundreds. So, beginning right now, we will occasionally feature an amusing story about a politician being an asshole/glory hog during an encounter with the musical group the Nixon administration called “the most dangerous rock ‘n roll band in the world.” In today’s installment, Mike Huckabee is an idiot!
The first chapter of Mr. Richards’ biography is basically the kind of first chapter you wish more authors would at least attempt — it’s funny, outrageous, crisply worded and filled with dumb rednecks, drunken judges, evil yokel cops, comical drug fiends and other varieties of politician. And at the close of this particular chapter about a clownish attempt at a drug bust, our old friend Mike Huckabee makes a typically asinine appearance, three decades after the incident in question:
In 2006, the political ambitions of Governor Huckabee of Arkansas, who was going to stand in the primaries as a contender for the Republican presidential nomination, extended to granting me a pardon for my misdemeanor of thirty years previous. Governor Huckabee also thinks of himself as a guitar player. I think he even has a band. In fact there was nothing to pardon. There was no crime on the slate in Fordyce, but that didn’t matter, I got pardoned anyway. But what the hell happened to that car? We left it in this garage loaded with dope. I’d like to know what happened to that stuff. Maybe they never took the panels off. Maybe someone’s still driving it around, still filled with shit.
And that concludes today’s installment of “Jackass Politicians Who Appear In Keith Richards’ Autobiography.” [Life, by Keith Richards]
{ 193 comments }
One holiday I've long celebrated this time of year is Keithmas (Dec. 18), dedicated to the hope that, while our bad decisions may leave us looking pretty damn gnarly, they won't actually kill us.
I like where you're going with this. Will snacks be provided?
Naturally, what goodies Keef leaves in the side-paneling of your car between midnight and when your late-night friends leave you in the cold, gray dawn is up to you.
I say it beats the shit out of resurrection; someone start carving the rails.
At the end of a nuclear winter, three living things will remain: cockroaches, kudzu, and Keith Richards.
Mike Huckabee is a STONER.
Would explain the obesity.
MUNCHIES.
and the wardrobe, and the drool.
And I always thought he was a boner, ah language.
Mike Huckabee is a STONER.
Maybe you should support him for Pres
You know how you leftists LOVE pot.
He'd have to support some other good things, too.
if so, he's a way uncool stoner
Keith lives right down the road from me in Weston, Connecticut. Maybe I should try to score an exclusive interview for Wonkette!
Damn, my sister lives near there- she never mentioned Keith Richards(but as we are quite old- he never mentioned her either)
Take at least a kilo of weed, and a case of Jack. Which for Keith appears to be health food. Damn i wish i could still smoke cigarettes as he does. Its been years and I miss my pack of 20 friends.
I knew Keith's pool man back in the nineties; he imparted this anecdote: Poolman was in the pump room, having been called earlier to see what the problem was; Keith pulls up in his Range Rover and while unloading his Dean & Deluca purchases, asks Poolman what the deal is. Poolman says, "the pump don't work, 'cuz the vandals took the handles". Without missing a beat, KR responded, "As much as I'd like to stand around quoting Dylan all day, can you just fix it?" I love that story, even if it's bullshit.
Hmmm. Did my hubby recently play a party at your house?
He's reading the book now, I can't wait to myself–I've always preferred Keith's singing to Mick's ha ha ha.
Gotta love him, scary devil face and all.
Believe me, you would know if your hubby played at my house—he would've been paid with (an opened can of) hobo beans!
Are the passages in the book transcribed and translated from audio recordings? Or can Keith Richards actually tap out beautiful paragraphs like this on a computer? Because the mental image of Keith sitting at a computer is making me sad. So not cool. But if he were lazily lounging back in a bean bag chair and talking into a mic, now that I can handle.
I'd like to picture him typing away with a cigarette in one hand a bottle of whiskey on the desk
Cigarette in one hand, joint in the other, bottle of whiskey on the desk, another in the cabinet.
In this picture, is he typing with his dick?
How else would Keith Richards type? Come on people, think BEFORE you post!
Ghostwriter. It's pretty well done, reads as if you were sitting across the kitchen table with him, drinking beers and spinning yarns.
That's more or less what Mark Twain did.
Should anyone doubt Keef's literary credentials, check out this photo taken at his house in Weston:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://cbswnc...
Could be Maxwell Perkins in that book-lined study, except for the gee-tahrs.
Lead pencil and a Big Chief tablet.
I imagine him perched in a coconut palm, shouting it down to his ghostwriter.
A beautiful image indeed….like…like….the Rock 'n Roll version of Steven Hawking dictating a A Brief History of Time, except with indecipherable audio and a retard in the chair
Met Keef at the Chateau Marmont in '81. You cats haven't lived until you've watched an underaged girl blowing schmiz up (name withheld)'s arse at 4am while Keef shows an overpriced call girl how to play the riff from "Bitch". You kids today haven't lived…
I'll say I haven't lived! I don't even know what half of those words mean, starting with schmiz…
Methamphetamine
arse = anus
riff = series of musical notes
Schmiz is the name of one of the Marmots.
Liar! This is just a scene from the director's cut of the new Sofia Coppola film.
Under those circumstances I would prefer to stay dead.
So were you the underaged girl, or the overpriced call girl? Wait, Keef pays to give guitar lessons? Shit.
Well, she was already overpriced, so the guitar lesson was her tip.
Thank god you chewed through your restraints to post something for us Ken.
Also, does this explain why my gramma's Duster thumps ominously when she goes around corners?
On first reading, this said "gramma's Dumpster thumps", which apart from the fine wordishness, is even more ominous.
I was wondering what caused her dumper to thump when she went around corners. The mind reels with the possibilities. On second reading, a Duster, well the reason that thumps is self explanatory.
Given the state of the economy, she's probably renting out the dumpster to some otherwise homeless person.
Shit, you can do a whole bunch of events from 2000 on with (good) Rolling Stones songs as soundtrack…
Demrat Control of Congress 06-10: I can't get no Satisfaction
The era of the W Admin: Paint It Black
Cheney: Sympathy for the Devil
Battle for Fallujah: Street Fightin' Man
Election of Obamer: Brown Sugar, Time Is On My Side
Crash 08: Shattered
Sarah Palin: Honky Tonk Woman
Hilsbot: Mother's Little Helper
Walnuts: 19th Nervous Breakdown
Bristol Palin: Have You Seen Your Mother Baby, Standing In The Shadow?
I prefer Bristol's whistling rendition of "Start Me Up", which she performed whenever Levi was railing her.
Cindy McCain / Laura Bush: Mother's little helper
Or perhaps "Who's Driving Your Plane"
then there's too much blood and it must be hell, you can toss them in wherever you like.
i'm too high to work any harder than that.
I was in the Army Security Agency (elint/comint) from '67 to '71. As part of our "don't listen to us while we're listening to you" thing we always had "cover music" playing outside via the watchtowers if in gnarly places or the front entry area if in civilization. Some of my favorite vignettes of the time include hearing "All Along the Watchtower" from the towers in Korea and "Sympathy for the Devil" often coming up on the looped tape in Japan.
Ever in Udorn, Thailand, about 50 mi south of Nong Khai, Laos?
No, but it was the 3rd leg in one of the DF nets I helped maintain in the area. The leg I worked on was at Dong Ba Tin, Vietnam. Were you also what we used to call a Lightning Fast Chicken Fucker? (For the non-ASA'ers that was a reference to the shoulder patch of an eagle with a lightning bolt in his claws).
Photointerpreter prole, 432 RTS, 432 TRW (USAF), Udorn RTAFB, supporting MACV after the relo'ed to NKP. Sawadi, khrop.
Hurricane Katrina – Gimme Shelter
The linked account of the event is hysterical. I highly recommend clicking on it.
Also, Huckabee? You are a doofus.
Also, Huckabee? You are a doofus.
Why is he a doofus?? He was the gov of Arkansas, and so was Clinton, both smoked pot. Those are the current credentials for Prez now.
Before he went into politics, he was a crooked evangelist. He disbelieves in evolution and in the existence of the Palestinians. He's a somewhat more clever version of Bush/Palin, which only makes him the more dangerous.
" it’s funny, outrageous, crisply worded and filled with dumb rednecks, drunken judges, evil yokel cops, comical drug fiends and other varieties of politician"
Wait, Keith Richards is actually a writer for Wonkette?
Intern Riley, your plastic surgeon is amazing! You really don't look 70ish at all.
Riley Richards. Now it all makes sense. Mostly.
It's going to be awesome to see Richardsman and his posse at the Sam's Club book signings.
(If you ever wanted to see a folie a deux.)
I don't sprechen ze French so in point of fact I cannot say whether I ever wanted to see a "folie a deux" or not, but having now seen one (apparently) my observation is that that creepy stalker managed to make The Snowbilly Grifter look uncomfortable. (Not an easy thing to do when one is dealing with somebody who, like her, has no shame, no shame at all.
Are you going to get to the part where he parties and possibly bangs Margaret Trudeau while her husband was the Prime Minister of Canada? Don't know what's more bad ass- Keith partying with the First Lady or that the First Lady of Canada not only partied with the Stones but it wasn't that big of a deal.
I thought it was Ronnie who possibly banged Margaret Trudeau. Or Mick. Or Ronnie and Mick.
Ronnie & Mick banged Margaret Trudeau.
A true Eiffel Tour to make those Francophone separatists in Quebec happy.
Leonard Cohen had a shot at Margo as well, it is widely believed. Last verse of "A Singer Must Die":
i am so afraid that I listen to you
Your sunglassed protectors they do that to you
It's their ways to detain, it's their ways to disgrace
With their knee in your balls and their fist in your face
Yes and long live the State! by whomever it's made…
Sir, I didn't see nothing, I was just getting home late.
Leonard Cohen had a shot at every woman alive, inc. Janis Joplin. Dude is a stone-cold Jewish-Canadian pimp.
You forgot “bisexual.”
I can't remember (and my guess is Ronnie and Keith can't either) but it might have been Ronnie more than Keith but I like to picture my Stones' post-concert parties as one big huge coke-infested orgy featuring models, underage girls, and wives of famous politicians anyways so it wouldn't matter in the end.
Kate Beaton has a good cartoon on that: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=159
For those who are truly interested, the real treat is the audiobook, narrated by Johnny Depp, switching back and forth into the mid-sixties drug addled London idiom we know and love. What you don't know is how wide-ranging the search was for the proper audio voice. Among those considered: Zach Galifianakis, Bill Murray, Wolf Blitzer, Chris Rock and Candy Crowley.
Hey, why is your p green? Did the Briebarters start carpet bombing their site with up-thumbs?
How did you straighten out your flaccid p-ness?
We still don't know why the P score turned from negatory to positivo. People are asking me well, how do you like being given a second chance in life? Well, I'll tell you. I don't like it. No sir, I don't like it at all. I was well on my way to my personal goal of Absolute Zero, which is a -460 on the Fahrenheit Scale. I had it all planned out: fuck with the Breitbarts, especially on anything to do with Palin, Fischer or the 2nd amendment. I could have made my avatar into the most hated symbol of the right this side of Jimmy Carter. But no.
I thumbed you down just to get you restarted.
My p dropped from 90-something to 26. Maybe they've got a hex on "Briebart" sort of like Voldamort. It's worth a try.
Nevar give up! You can do it! Hell, I thumb 'ya down. I'll thumb 'ya down right now.
"We're more popular than Jesus freaks now."
Wasn't that the Beatles?
How about a little license? What is this, Top of the Pops?
They should have used Bill Hick's summary of Keith Richards for the title:
"Keith Richards: The Ledge Beyond the Edge"
Sorry to be so completely off-topic, but is anyone else in the Rochester (NY) area right now? It sounds like downtown just exploded and it's freaking me out a little bit.
uh my mom is…
It's probably just… Chanukah fireworks?
Typical. Could be my Gramma has finally flipped out cuz they stopped running Law & Order episodes with Lenny, her fave.
"I like the old guys…then they die."
Gramma.
are you there now?
Yeah, I'm here now. Time Warner Cable is on the fritz, again, so I can't check the local station… but the noise has stopped and nothing appears to be on fire. So, yay!
Well actually, I guess they ran Lenny episodes on Saturdays, but they stopped for some reason. She still has Matlock in the morning at least.
And I am sure we already established that you're not charlize theron, but just in case, next time I'm in town…
I was partial to Robert Goren, but they stopped running episodes with him because he got too fat.
Intense Debate is being weird; it's not letting me reply to other comments. I did delete one of my own comments because I couldn't edit out my stupidity. I am not Charlize Theron.
I'm in Rochester, but didn't hear anything. They lit the liberty pole at 5 – maybe that exploded.
I just moved up here. What's a liberty pole? Is it as sexy as it sounds?
at the bottom of the Liberty Pole are a couple of teabaggers.
It is a large metal pole with guide wires. Where young men with few economic opportunities under the current system go and hang out, hoping to profit off of hapless passersby.
Wow – I haven't seen a pan-handler since I left San Francisco. How novel!
There was nothing really going on today, but if you are near the train tracks going in and out of downtown, they start slamming rail cars around and it gets damn noisy. I live in the Charlotte neighborhood and they park rr cars out by the Lakeshore golf course and then seem to slam them around in the middle of the night.
I've heard this train-slamming game they play. This sounded more 'splodey than slammy.
(I love the way Charlotte is pronounced up here, also too.)
Keith Richards still rockin, Jim Fixx dead 26 years. Nuff said.
Bill Hicks Dead 16 years. Carrot Top Alive.
How is it even possible to believe in a Deity, any Deity, in the face of that?
And Richard Jeni committed suicide and yet Dennis Miller still tries to do stand up.
Never fear, we always have Bill's old recordings and Denis Leary to steal his shit again, when we want to reminisce about his greatness.
Q: Was there ever anyone unfunnier than Dennis Leary?
A: Dennis Miller
We would have also accepted Dane Cook.
Maybe if Huckabee had all his blood laundered and replaced…
The song that perhaps best captures Huck from all of Keith's enormous oeuvre is Bloviator Blues, from Exile on Main St.
Christ almighty, I just realized the entirety of mine is stuck in Wonkette commentary.
GOD DAMMIT.
"…filled with dumb rednecks, drunken judges, evil yokel cops"
So the first chapter of Keith's autobiography is southern new jersey?
Or just about any place south of the Mason-Dixon?
Or Waldo, Florida.
I was going to say, so the first chapter takes place in Sarah Palin's kitchen?
I know what happened to the car. The band smoked it. The whole thing.
Yeah, I should have checked the linky sooner. I've been dismantling the wrong car for the last two hours.
My favorite Chapter is the one in which he shows how to climb the tree and pick your own cocon……………………..
That's not a tree, it's a coca bush.
My reference is to the incident when he fell out of the Coconut tree a year or two ago and was briefly hospitalized. As your reply suggests, he probably had no need of painkillers.
More likely, any they could give him, he has built up such a tolerance to.
Today we are all filled with shit.
Dude, where's that car?
In the "junk" yard?
Keith's not here.
Oh, you never know.
Keith Richards? That name sounds familiar. Was he one of the Backstreet Boys?
Keith Richards looks better than my post-massacre pee score. I feel like an intellectual during the Cultural Revolution: sent down.
Yeah, what's the deal with the "p" scores? Are my points being used in a Ken-Layne-is-too-big-too-fail government bailout?
he's the salt of the earth.
Assuming "salt" is made of heroin now.
he's the salt of the earth.
And if the salt has lost its flavor, it aint got much in its favor..
This does not matter to anyone not qualified for AARP.
What's your point? Never mind, just get off my lawn.
I like the book because it's really thick. Good for smashing all the spiders that seem to be crawling all over my flesh. Oh, and who the fuck IS Mick Jagger?
I can't wait for the installation from Wasilla AK when he describes his tryst with a local "hottie" who later gives birth to Baby Tranq.
Nice.
So, what was the make, model and color of that car? How are we supposed to find out what happened with NO information?
I mean this could be a great scavenger hunt. History people!
The American government should procure Mr. Richards to find out what keeps this man alive, because whosoever finds this god particle will be lavished with accolades until the end of time.
Tissue cultured from Keith could be used to construct the "black boxes" in commercial airliners.
Fuck that, use it to construct the entire airliner.
Scientists are actually doing just that with Ozzy Osbourne:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/scientists-hoping-...
Ha! Now that you bring that up, I remember. It's also now reminding me of the Simpsons episode where they found that Mr. Burns had so many different ailments, that they all worked together to prevent him from getting ill. lol
"Well, Mr. Burns, it appears you have… everything."
So, did I get the story right. Did Hukabee Bogart all of Richards stash? It would explain so much.
And a massive coke habit would explain so much with Sarah Palin…, as it does with Glenn Beck.
And a massive coke habit would explain so much with Sarah Palin…, as it does with Glenn Beck.
Obama shares the same qualities. He smoked pot, did crack and cocaine but not heroine, never that.
"A drug free America comes first"
And then it goes to sleep.
”Yes, I’ve been trepanned. I’ve got pictures of it. They cut my head, brain, skull open, went in and pulled out the crap and put some back in again.”
“I don’t sit in trees anymore.”
god this guy. i love this guy.
Good god, that sounds depressing. Hopefully Roger Aisles made Megyn Kelly give Burton a lap dance for his troubles.
True story: once upon a tme, sitting on the edge of the stage at the Checkerboard Lounge in Chicago, Keith accidentally (maybe) hit me in the back of the head with his guitar. When I looked up to see WTF, Keit just shrugged and tipped back his bottle of Jack, then carried on tuning said guitar. A Strat, I believe.
Good times indeed.
Sadly I never met Keith Richards. I did attend one of his birthday parties, sometime in the late 70's or early 80's. It was held in a roller rink on Manhattan's Lower West Side. I can only assume that unlike me he had the good taste to give this thing a miss. Or was too stoned to attend.
In fairness,
What can a Huck'bee DOOO, 'cept sing for rock-roll BAAAND?
Based on that review, Ken, the Old Man is getting a copy of Life for Xmas. Thanks for the tip! Buttsects and trucknuts, everyone!
"But what the hell happened to that car?"
Huckabee ate it.
"But what the hell happened to that car?"
Huckabee ate it.
What the hell happened to our nation? Obama put the nail in the coffin and destroyed it.
You misspelled "Reagan and Bush" there.
Bush didnt put the nail in the coffin, he got the country prepared for burial.
Hyperbole and non sequitur in the same post. Fine achievement! And it shows what a homeschooler is capable of.
Eh, obvious troll is obvious. Nice try, thanks for playing, do not pass go, etc.
But what brought all you guys out of the woodwork this weekend? Did you run out of Cheetohs?
Jesus, are you still here?
Jesus, are you still here?
Gee, I thought you libs hated Jesus, now you're asking where he is….
No, we're taking his name in vain. Pay attention, please.
Actually Christianity hates Jesus. All the mean spirited and sad things Christianity and Christians have done to people while quoting the old testament is like giving Christ the finger. It is not like you guys ever read what Christ taught, so you give him another finger and tell him to "STFU, hippy, we like the angry and spiteful God, not the tolerant and pacifist God." Bah.
And in less than two years, far faster than his handlers in Moscow expected!
You'd look good with an ice dildo.
Christ, you are one irrelevant asshole aren't you?
Christ, you are one irrelevant asshole aren't you?
Yeah, but its better than being an 'ol shit.
Just a suggestion, lay off the lead paint chips. They make the attempted humor gray and heavy.
Ugh. Burton seems to be friendly with a number of pretty libby musicians, so one hopes he will be ok.
Keep the revelations coming! It looks like Keith Richards is giving Julian Assange a run for his money.
Huckabee’s so vain, he probably thinks this book’s about him. About him. About him.
Thanks a ton. A very funny comment, but I haven't been able to get that damned song out of my head since I read it!
Huckabee’s so vain, he probably thinks this book’s about him. About him. About him.
Obamas so vain, he's probably goin on vacation agaiiiin..
As someone who's been shooting up with his orange juice for the last 40 plus years, I take great solace in this Keith Richard fellow, who appears to be highly literate, well meaning and a great guitarist. I mean, if this guy is still alive after all this time, then it seems to me I'm not going to be dropping over anytime soon, despite what my girlfriends and my kids and even my mother keep telling me.
Huckabee in a band? Like with instruments and such? I could have sworn he was one of those pesky barbershop quartet guys who hopped aboard the double decker bus at Disneyland and kept positioning themselves to look down my wife's blouse. Or a doo wap guy, I could see him as a doo wap guy with a smoking pompadour. Doowap'n about women's sweaters and the "negro problem".
What people don't realize is that Keith is actually one of the great Pharoahs who was mummified and sent off to the gods by his adoring subjects. After a few millenia, he got bored with the pyramid scene and picked up a guitar.
So just remember, we are all of us simply adornments in Pharoah Keith's afterworld. Doesn't that make you feel better?
That explains a lot, really.
That and this big bowl of "Captain Tuinal loops" swimming in Robitussin AC.
Son, I'm worried about you! You've been drinking that Robitussin, and your cough was 13 yrs. ago. I rue the day that I was born that I gave you that cough syrup for which to overcome that itchiness in your throat ! Little did I know that would become a way of life that would spin you out of control like some kind of narcoleptic demon! I just rue the day!!!
-Clarence Mumford's Mom
Aw shucks mom, don't fuss. (kicks dirt and fidgets) You know these summer colds are hard to shake.
"… and that is why Keith can no longer be killed by conventional weapons."
One thing you non-Arkies may not be aware of is that the car was impounded at the holding lot of Escobar's Towing Service in Fordyce. Within a few months, the owner of the tow company moved back to his native Colombia, where he made quite a name for himself in a different (and more lucrative) line of business.
That must have been before the TSA checked your junk.
Ah, the pre-TSA days. Back then you could walk into the terminal five minutes before your flight and waltz right on. What's more, you could lug a duffel bag full of grenades and carry a bazooka on board and the only major issue is whether it would fit in the overhead bin.
Maybe David Huckabee was just trying to relive that magical era when he brought a gun to the Little Rock airport.
But let us not forget: Keef has a little bit of Republican in him, as he still calls the band's (touring) bassist of the last 20 years "The Spade".
Bill Hicks already made all our jokes for us almost 20 years ago.
did you delete a comment, cuz now I am confuseded. anyway, I am not sure whether or not we have determined whether or not you are charlize theron, cuz if you are, then the next time i am in town… lol.
Evidently not, she is much better at editing her comments, I imagine.
Could you pretend to be Charlize Theron, at least? Because that would be the next best thing.
In my mind, you definitely are indeed Charlize Theron, and not in one of her Oscar-bait I'm-so-beautiful-I-can-play-ugly roles.
Hahaha
Rochester Wonketeer Coke Party?
Oui!
wtf is up with all these people from Rochester reading Wonkette? i'm down the road in ithaca.
Bien sûr !
Native Buffalonian here, mom lives in the 585, I live in Norcal…
Regular Charlize or Monster Charlize?
Nice. I was in the Bay Area and Sacramento for a good couple of years.
This comment also deleted by the user. Too.
Comments on this entry are closed.