Barack Obama Loves Human Sacrifice

Merry Jewmas, freaks! By “freaks” I of course mean “all Wonketteers,” not just the Jews. You see, this Season of Light has given me time to reflect that each and every one of you is a disgusting excuse for a carbon-based life form, regardless of which obscure imaginary desert god you pray to on the toilet. You know who is neither disgusting nor obscure? President Barack Obama! Let’s see what he was up to this week, while your soul sank ever-deeper into the mire. As usual, White House serial pornographic talkie West Wing Week will be our guide.

On Friday, an 18.5-foot giant corpse was delivered to the White House in a green wagon pulled by those Budweiser Clydesdales. Yes, a dead Douglas fir from Pennsylvania serves as this year’s bloody goth sacrifice to the pagan forces of nature. It will continue to dry out and wither for weeks in the White House Blue Room, so named because everyone who enters it immediately descends into a deep, Lincolnian depression. Where are you, Willie? Sweet, lively young Willie, with the bloom of youth in your cheek!

On Monday, President Obama announced something about freezing the monies of the government workers who ruin lives every day with their necessary duties. He said, “Getting this deficit under control is going to require broad sacrifice,” which is his most explicit call yet to throw fast-talking, sassy ladies into ceremonial fires. Then he talked to the Department of Defense about fags. But more importantly, at the :54 mark in the video, you get to see Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations and Benincasa Boyfriend Brian Mosteller! Squee!

On Tuesday, the blackest president in history was forced to talk to a bunch of Republican assholes at work, because these people do pop up in your office from time to time and it’s not like you can just pretend they aren’t there, like you do with the cleaning staff. And then it was time to say ‘sup to the poorly-dressed nerds who are going to get Nobel Prizes for random crap later this year, or maybe early next year? ‘Evs.

On Wednesday, Colin Powell and Joe Biden swung by just to say hey and shake hands, slap backs, and pose for the cameras. Then they slipped into a private room to really pose, engaging in their favorite tradition, a big gay vogue-off. It’s all part of their annual tribute to Joe Biden’s favorite holiday film, Paris is Burning. Then Obama probably talked about DADT, again, because he loves that gay shit. Also, Colin Powell was a Shabbos goy, did you know? This is not even a joke. Later, Obama met with Vince Gray, who is also known as Not Fenty, to talk about, I don’t know, what a shitstained blight the District of Columbia is? That cannot ever be an uplifting conversation, a chat with the mayor of Newark South.

On Thursday, Bammerz and a bevy of his gubernatorial boyfriends went to Thirsty Thursdays at Blair House, where despair is always on tap! Then he lit some candles to celebrate Our Lady of the Fried Foods.

Happy weekend! You are the human equivalent of a Diva Cup crossed with a Luna Pad. I send you Midol, Advil, and a good solid punch to the gut.