festival of dim lights

A Children’s Treasury of Sarah Palin Facebook Commenters On Hanukkah

Not Team Jew, apparently.
Sarah Palin has wished all American Jews a happy Hanukkah on Facebook, because all good Christians know being nice to Jews, despite them being wrong about Jesus, is how you earn special been-nice-to-Jews coupons you can spend in heaven. Most commenters understand this and tried to one-up one another with stories of how they honor this important (unimportant) Jew holiday. One was even kind enough to remind Palin of the fact that she is literally the modern-day Moses. But others weren’t too happy about all of this, because one is supposed to say “Merry Christmas” and nothing else ever. Let’s take a look at some of these festive comments.

THE Jesus? Or are you Mexican and simply *believe* in your dad?This country was once a “Great Place,” a chain of restaurants in America’s suburbs, serving 50% beef steaks covered in “chipotle” lard fritters.

Yes, Virginia.
Another vote for sticking to your own kind.

Muslims, can you hurry up and get rid of this guy?
Good point. The God of Jews and Christians shares absolutely nothing with that of the Muslim tradition.

Related video

And bringing up the rear.
Thanks for letting us know, miss. Nobody would have realized that that holiday is coming up otherwise. [Facebook]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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249 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    Dear Wonkette,

    I am getting a little tired of the rotten two-girls one cup vomit that is sarah palin, and would prefer something more wholesome, like buttsex. Please do not force us to go into the weekend, this hanukkah, with 18 posts about her, please, think of the children.

    Sincerely,
    Crank

      1. Crank_Tango

        and then come the bong hits, and the next thing you know, I haven't done a damn thing all day.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I don't even need bong hits. I can just sit here all day staring off into space because the combination of FOX/Boehner/Palin has made me so depressed. Intravenous Zoloft won't even help.

          1. PsycWench

            Better ask Crank_Tango for some bong hits then. You won't get anything done but you'll be a lot happier about it.

    1. Preferred Customer

      I would desperately rather not think of Ms. Palin's children, and I'll thank you to not bring them up again.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      I was hoping that it meant they wanted to wrap her in swaddling cloth and throw her in a river teaming with crocodiles.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Especially if it also means at the end of it she dies without getting to the "promised land" – whatever the fuck that is (a Super Walmart made of deep fried dough and covered in Velveeta?)

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Well, since Hannukah only matters (or so I've been told ) to uptight American Jews with Christmas inferiority complexes, it may have been unintentionally all-inclusive.

  2. PalinPussyPower

    Does the cognitive dissonance make their brains go boom-boom? Just a little bit? If Sarah Palin causes a few wingnut brain implosions this holiday season, it will be a gosh darned Christmas miracle! We must all pray for this to the baby Jebus, STAT. Also, plus. And such.

  3. Maman

    Everytime I read comments like those, I pray that I won't see something from one of my crazy relatives. Today I get to breath a sigh of relief.

  4. CherryGarCAhhh

    By saying "my father Jesus is a Jew" does "Karron Jo" mean her father is a Messican named Hay-Zeus and of the Jewish persuasion, or does she mean "father" in the heavenly sense as in "Jesus is the son of God" which would make "Karron Jo" the "granddaughter of God" ? I am SO confused.

        1. slithytovesss

          First of all, WTF, I only have 47 pees, so don't expect much. Secondly, Cherry Garcia did a much better job of explication, which, I assume, is the point of commenting.

          That said, I'm getting back to my Sailor Jerry. Goodnight.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      No…what she means is that God literally came down and loved up her mom. That's mom's story and she's sticking to it. The good news is that for all of these years, dad (snicker) has bought it.

      1. Failure_Artist

        I think this is more like Preacher where the descendant of Jesus ends up really really inbred. (or so I've read. Never read the actual comic)

  5. petehammer

    Here's what I hate about this whole "War on Christmas" bs. I love Christmas – it is my favorite time of year. And so I do enjoy wishing people a Merry Christmas. But now that it has become this culture war thing (a way of showing how anti-diversity one is), I question every time someone says it to me. Are they saying it because, hey, it's a fun time of year, joy to the world, all that jazz? Or are they saying it because it's their pathetic way of getting back at da joos, a-rabs, libruls, and atheists?

    If someone said Happy Hanukkah to me I'd say it right back. But people don't do that. In the end, it's safer to say "Happy Holidays" (all of them, I guess), than look like I'm one of the intolerant a-holes who believes JESUS IS THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON – CELEBRATE HIS BIRTH – DAMN THE REST OF YOU.

    From my agnostic heart to yours, Merry Christmas.

    1. Missyb9479

      When I worked retail I always said Happy Holidays. If Christians complained I explained it was because I wanted them to also have a Happy New Year. Thus two separate Holidays.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I always say Happy Holidays to strangers, too. How the hell do I know what they celebrate? And since the retail selling season now starts before Halloween, you have a lot more holidays to accommodate than just that Baby Jeebus Day. But how pathetic is it that you have to have a ready excuse for why you've said something nice to someone.

      2. Jerri

        I was just going to say the same thing about retail work and this time of year. When I did it, I used to say happy holidays to everyone for the same reason, and then by about Dec. 10, when yet another one of those pinched up faced, Aqua-netted helmet-headed, Jean Naté reeking ladies wearing a cheap QVC gold cross necklace embedded in her neckfat roll and a corduroy winter muumuu with Angel appliques stitched on it and a misplaced sense of her own importance told me "Merry Christmas," all huffy and bitchy-like, I'd give her a Happy Hanukkah right back. Oooh, that pissed 'em right off.

        God, I hate retail. Lucky for everyone I up and quit that job by Dec. 15, but that was almost 10 years ago when people could still do things like quit soul-crushing hell-jobs.

          1. SorosBot

            That is just hideous; damn, the fact that there exist people who would actually wear that helps explain how Bush had two terms and Palin keeps making money, in fact I suspect Karron Jo owns one of those.

    2. lingin

      If I know the person celebrates Christmas I wish them a Merry Christmas. Otherwise it's Happy Holidays. I haven't run into anyone who takes exception to the greetings but every year the phony outrage over this phony war seems to ratchet up. I don't know what to expect but anyone who gives me an aggressive/hostile "Merry Christmas" in response to a "Happy Holidays" wish is going to get a "Merry F*cking Christmas to you" back.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      yeah well blame Billo for ruining the holiday for ya, he's the asshole who pissed on yer (pagan) Xmas tree! oh, and have a Super Solstice, let's all dance around the Yule log or whatever…

    4. mumbly_joe

      I've always said Happy Holidays, at least for the past decade or so, because I celebrate any holiday whose major traditions consist of overeating/binge drinking/giving me a dollar. And there's at least three of those this time of year, however you decide to count. QED.

    1. CZL

      We don't need no, ham or shellfish
      We don't need no, rent control
      No New Testament
      In the Torah…
      Hey, Baggers… leave them Jews alone.

    2. pauletteanne

      Hey, Baggers….leave us Jews alone.

      Speak for yourself. I happen to have many christians as friends. If there any reason in particular that you dont like it when someone wishes you a nice festival of lights? What if you had run into one at the store, and had no idea that she/he was a 'bagger' or not, and wished you a Happy Hanukkah? What would you do?
      "Leave us Jews alone?"

  6. ManchuCandidate

    We wish you Happy Hanukkah;
    We wish you Happy Hanukkah;
    We wish you Happy Hanukkah and an End of Times.
    Good conversions we bring to you and your kin;
    Good conversions for Hanukkah and an End of Times.

    Oh, bring us an apocalypse;
    Oh, bring us an apocalypse;
    Oh, bring us an apocalypse and the nuking of the Jews
    We won't go until the Rapture;
    We won't go until the Rapture;
    We won't go until the Rapture, so start it right now

  7. the_onceler

    Yes, according to the grinch up there, we are not allowed to even say Merry Christmas. Poor Christians, always oppressed in this country.

    1. slappypaddy

      that's the way they like it. that's why they split into factions and oppress each other if they can't get anyone else to do it.

      1. GuyClinch

        Sorry for the long post, but you just reminded me of a classic Emo Phillips joke:

        Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

        He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

        He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

        Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

    2. BarryOPotter

      The only thing oppressed about Christians in this country are their organs – by tons of fat.

  8. SheriffRoscoe

    And it's a CHRISTMAS tree, not a holiday tree. Those goddam krauts call 'em tannenbaums, which if you ask me don't sound like nothing in the bible.

    1. Maman

      Those crazy German's also thought sneezing had something to do with health instead of God's mercy. Clearly they are among the damned.

      1. TanzbodenKoenig

        Yea, their word for Christmas is Weihnacht and that doesn't have anything to do with baby Jeebus!

    2. the_onceler

      I'm an atheist and even I think calling that tree a holiday tree is dumb. Solstice tree, maybe…

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        ♫♪♫ Rockin around
        the Holiday Tree
        at the Holiday Party Hop…..♫♪♫

        You're right. That fucking sucks.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      And, auf Deutsch, "O Tannenbaum" is a song about the wonders of fir trees. There isn't a hint of Christmas in it.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Clearly not Hitler, since he was all about "restoring the honor of the German people" by putting Christianity back in the government.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    No that is Merry Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, and a happy Saturnalia to you too.

    “In early times, when all religions were polytheistic, gods were shared out and exchanged; they wandered from pantheon to pantheon and were welcomed everywhere…It seems at times that strife can no more be separated from monotheism than stripes from a tiger.” – Patrick Leigh Fermor

    1. slappypaddy

      not only that, from time to time this god or that would come down disguised as a beggar or a homeless person or a prisoner or someone stinking with suppurating sores, and would test people to see if they were kind and generous. if they weren't, watch out, that was a god they were fucking with. but ever since the pantheon was squelched by the one god, who's busy and don't come around so much, people have felt much freer to close their hearts and join the republican party.

    2. SorosBot

      I for one am very offended if anyone says anything besides "Lo, Saturnalia!" for me during the season, or tries to get me to join in their Xmas or Hanukkah traditions instead of taking part in the traditional Saturnalia practices of exchanging gifts and consuming a lot of food and alcohol with family and friends.

  10. doxastic

    My father Jesus is a Jew, so that makes me a Jew that believes in Jesus

    That is a delightful mix of hereditary obsession, theological confusion, and disturbing Freudian undertones

    1. DustBowlBlues

      A popular bumper sticker I used to see around here was "My boss is Jewish Carpenter." An old man at church had one that read, "My boss is a Jew carpenter."

      He has no clue the difference. His daughter is a big cheese in the Confessing Movement. It's a political group sponsored by the IRC in Seattle and aimed at podding us (UM), the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians, and, I assume, the United Church of Christ. They want us to be like the Southern Baptists so our budgets would be used to buy bombs to throw at women's clinics, buy guns for homicidal maniacs to shoot doctors, give money to teabagging candidates and shit like that.

      Oh–and when the above bitch, the confessor, buried her mother at our church where the old lady had worshiped her entire life, daughter brought in a pastor from a big time Confessing Movement podded UM church in Tulsa. Our pastor, a woman who had visited the old lady almost every week for years and brought her communion once a month, was allotted a slot to say a quick prayer but the program didn't use Rev. in front of her name. To cap the whole fucking mess, the memorials that are usually given to the person's church instead were directed to this c***t's (I never use that word but this is the venom she brings out in me) Celebration women's group which, of course, is trying to destroy the liberal-ish UM Women. And talked shit to her friend, our new bishop, about how our Rev. "lied" about the Bible. C**t.

      Whoa. That got off topic, but these are the kind of people who love Sarah. Instead of getting Xmas out of the commercial realm, which we always used to pray for, they want to make it an even bigger retail holiday and stuff Jesus down the throats of harried shoppers.

      Christianity=Capitalism. Except, I bet you knew that already.

      Sorry for the length, but I feel better now. I forgot to mention we also served a large buffet luncheon for this bunch of lying, fascist, ersatz-Christians.

      Merry Fucking Christmas to all the Xian wingers out there. Alaskunt loves ya'. You betcha'.

      1. SorosBot

        God, I hate when people pull that kind shit at funerals. The worst funeral I've been to was for my best friend (and sort-of-ex, it's complicated), who had been raised Catholic but converted to Buddhism; so of course her mother just gives a Catholic funeral, with mass. The Priest was the only person who spoke, and he had never even met her and just gave Generic Eulogy, Youngish Single Adult Version.

        1. doxastic

          Oh man, I just went to one of those. The lady in question had been a salty-mouthed old Catholic in life, but as a Youngish Single Adult in the audience, all I could think was no, I was not comforted by the thought of Linda being young and riding jet skis in heaven, and no, it didn't really make up for her sudden death from cancer. If you don't actually believe that someone is going to the great Chuck E Cheez in the sky, those super orthodox funeral masses are sort of empty and mocking.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        No need to apologize, your posts vividly and richly describe a time and place I am glad I don't have to fucking deal with anymore. The movie version should be called, "Oh Brother, Go Fuck Thyself."

        I had enough of white fundie/evangelical/wingtards as a kid. I'm glad you can still get something out of a form of Christianity; by the time I figured out there was a view of the Bible other than fundamentalist, I had bought into their argument that it was either all infallible or all bullshit, and couldn't get past that.

        What is this "podding" of which you speak?

      3. tribbzthesquidz

        Played music at a UM church for a while. There seemed to be a lot of tension between the righteez and what remains of the lefteez there. Lot of people coming and going because of that. The music director went to a RIO church which I have written about here before. Taking sides is the new black.
        We're Unitarians when I'm not being paid to be elsewhere.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Totally, innocently delightful, like one of those logic word problems one has to puzzle out. Also a nutty syllogism and technically incorrect, as in order for Karron Jo to be a Jew her mother, not her father, would have had to be Jesus. Jewish. Whatever.

  11. slappypaddy

    i have searched high and low across our land, under the scorching light of the noonday sun and through the darkest moonless night, in the cities and their noisome sewers, in the dying little towns where the black flags hang limply at the courthouse steps, in the verdant fields prowled by huge beasts of steel and chrome, at the peaks of the rockies' lofty summits and flat against the salt pan of death's own valley, and i have yet to find the magical elixir that will provide for me hallucinatory relief as powerful as that commanded by the followers of santa snowbilly, the beloved lady of the grifting quitters and resentful losers.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Wow. Is that cribbed from someone? No wonder you have one more pee than I do.

      How about some Happy Chanukka (see earlier comment on spelling this holiday) pees for all us potty mouthed losers, Ken?

      1. slappypaddy

        no crib here. just a naked mattress on the concrete floor of a cold cell, candlelight flickering shadows on the paint peeling on the walls.

    2. twogoats

      Perhaps for you, it is the journey, not the destination. You can only keep on, keeping on, sacraficing your health in the search for that elixer. We know you do it not for yourself, but for us. And that gives us one more thing to be grateful for in this season of thanksgiving.

  12. Terry

    I wish these people would be more specific about who is preventing them from saying Merry Christmas. Like give a name, not just "the mainstream media" or "Congress". Who is preventing it and when was this done.

    I'm sick to death of these people being irate over general feelings that they may have been done wrong.

    1. slappypaddy

      you mean you want them to prove something? c'mon, you gotta take it on faith! god's own people wouldn't lie to you, now would they?

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      This is The Very Part that illuminates the total lie in their asshole belief structure. Who does a wingebag care about insulting? When has this imaginary moment ever occurred?

      Yes, sure, complaint-filled wingtard, I sure believe that somehow you actually cared about conforming to some unspoken rules about civility and diversity toward others' beliefs, right up until this very moment when you opened your piehole to complain about how terrible and oppressive all this conforming is.

      Sure, I almost believe you actually cared about offending people! You very nearly seem like a compassionate human being and not all that much like an ambulatory sack of turds and half digested KFC Doubledowns!

    3. pauletteanne

      Terry, you know very well that Merry Christmas is not 'politically correct'

      They HAVE been done wrong. In your efforts to not 'offend' anyone, you offend everyone.

      BTW: It is Happy HOLIDAY now, not Merry Christmas, with the exception of Coca Cola who FINALLY told liborats to go to hell.
      Bravo to them.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        What the fuck does the phrase Merry Christmas have to do with political correctness? You can wish anyone you like a Merry Christmas because it IS fucking Christmas. All the bs came about because stores, airlines, teevee stations and almost everything else on the planet that caters to, serves, or deals with the public, realizing that their consumer base come from one of many holiday traditions during the month of December, decided it would be prudent to just wrap everything into a catch-all phrase. Seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays are polite ways of wishing strangers, whose holiday preference you presumably wouldn't know, a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Hannukah or whatever. Happy Holidays = Merry Christmas. God why do you have to be so goddamned dense? Christians love to climb up on their crosses and crucify themselves over perceived slights and grievances. But as this whole auto-initiated "War on Christmas" illustrates, they're nothing but a bunch of whiny, spineless, faithless assholes.

        Oh, and this says nothing of the fact that the etymology of the word Holiday is a contraction of the words Holy and Day.

        Morons. The whole lot of you.

  13. Maman

    Wanna make your batshit relatives squeal? Send out your holiday cards with Muslim Christmas stamps (Eid stamps for the informed). I did that last year after I got one too many, "Can you believe the post office issued those people Christmas stamps?" email. This year's cards are going out with Menorahs… I like to keep the family hopping.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Great idea. Too bad the Southern Baptist branch has already disowned me and I've deleted their addresses.

        1. Missyb9479

          In one of the more rural cities near me there was a legal challenge against a nativity scene on public land. The city said that they would open up the area to any other groups for displays if they filled out the right forms and jumped through some hoops.

          A week later there was an official Fesivus Pole right next to Baby Jesus. It attracted so many more visitors than anything else that the next year they refused to have any type of display at all.

        2. Rotundo_

          What would the pastafarian holiday be named? FSmas would work I suppose. May his al dente noodliness envelope you!

    2. insidebeltway

      Since my in-laws don't quite get that their son married a Jew, I do this every year. And yes, they are tea baggers.

  14. ttommyunger

    I tolerate some Rightards on my FB and leave them alone for the most part, unless they get too far out there. It is sobering and informing to be continually reminded that America has a rich and generous tapestry of moronic citizenry going for it. I rarely engage them. Facts simply roll off like water off a duck's back.

    1. the_onceler

      I'm 50-50 on that. One guy posted a rant against food stamps and I didn't chime in until some woman wrote that while *she* actually needed food stamps, those others just have a bunch of kids to keep reeling in the bucks. I responded and said since I have never used food stamps, how would she feel if I said that *all* food stamp users are lazy and have a bunch of kids to reel in the food stamps. That did shut her up.

      1. ttommyunger

        I basically do the same. I would block them but that would put in Fox's company. Tolerance is a good thing, even if carried out between clenched teeth.

      1. genxr

        I would, but every once in a while I see an amusing, "Please pray for my pickup truck" status update. No joke, this actually happens.

      1. ttommyunger

        They also say that tax breaks for the wealthy pay for themselves and stimulate job growth. This is not about who is right and who is wrong, it is about whose statements are supported by facts and history, plain and simple. I don't have to be “right” to disbelieve the previous positions, for ten years tax breaks for the wealthy have been in force. Jobs have been lost on a wholesale basis and the Deficit has skyrocketed. I support my positions with videotape or other proof or I do not pose them. I'm also not interested in “converting” others to my way of thought. Diversity is good. That's one of the reasons I allow them to post at will on my fb. Believe me, I am willing to accept facts that disagree with me. I am a Goldwater Republican who, in the past, voted for many conservative candidates and would again today if they could refrain from being homophobes, racists and greedy to a fault.

  15. Gopherit

    They're just grumbling now. Wait til these good xtian murikans clear the pumpkins out of their air cannons to make room for hams. Hanukkah won't stand a chance.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      "clear the pumpkins out of their air cannons to make room for hams. "

      I think typically, it is the opposite.

      U.S. Americans, after Christmas dinner, clear the ham out of their 'air cannons,' making room for pumpkin pies.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      I hate to disagree, but that would imply that we had fun getting her.

      Although, lifting from Monty Python, I guess you could say:

      Sarah Palin is like a dose of clap.
      Before she arrives is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    There was a big to-do a few years back about which stores would place "Seasons Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" on their flyers, websites, banners and whatnot; because, heaven knows, the only folks shopping in Neiman Marcus or Saks Fifth Avenue are the Christians, looking for bargains on things like tube socks, and maybe some of that lemon curd like they have in England.

  17. MLite

    Every time I start to have hope about the collective wisdom of Americans, I read Sarah Palin and her worshipers and get sad.

  18. Allmighty_Manos

    Early Christian missionaries worked very hard incorporating the early pagan rituals of northern Europe as a cheap marketing trick to spread the faith, and we don't need Jews and Muslins pissing all over their masterful salesmenship.

    Christmas trees are for promoting Jesus only.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      My wreath and evergreen garlands make my whole house smell Christmasy. It's a well known fact that Jesus was born on the winter solstice so that we could all celebrate his birthday with evergreens.

      1. genxr

        Overheard at the time of Jesus' birth:

        "It's damn cold to be tending our sheep out in the fields. Why did we think they would enjoy grazing in snow anyway?"

    2. Rotundo_

      But I love the smell of a real tree, the fakes have always been disappointments. I like to think of the real ones as just an incredibly flammable and pretty air freshener.

    3. Barrelhse

      Jesus took a balsalm fir, decorated it with lights and ornaments, and said: "Do this in remembrance of me." Then he passed around some grape juice and Necco Wafers.

  19. el_donaldo

    This proves a point that I try to make every year – the whole War on Christmas bullshit is just a socially acceptable form of Jew-baiting.

    It's time we took Christmas back from the Christians.

    1. pauletteanne

      the whole War on Christmas bullshit is just a socially acceptable form of Jew-baiting.

      Rubbish.

      Helen Thomas, LEFTIST DEMOCRAT is the socially accepted form of a Jew baiter.

  20. DustBowlBlues

    I started reading when there were only 20 comments and now it's as full as it always gets when Skank Breeder is the topic.

    The very first comment, "Why can we say Happy Hanukka (Jesus Christ, Jews–Diwali is easier to spell) and not Merry Christmas?" had me plenty steamed.

    Who the fuck is keeping Bible Spice from saying Merry Christmas on facebook? And on her own fb page, goddamit! The War on Christmas has really hit home, hasn't it? Rise up, wonkeratti: demand the right to say whatever the fuck happy holiday you celebrate and say it on facebook and the twatter. This is crap! Free speech!!!!!!

      1. Worthly Wokette Skum

        Especially since skank works as either a substantive or an advectival noun:

        Skank breeder: a heterosexual skank
        Skank breeder: one who breeds skanks

    1. slappypaddy

      "Happy Fuck-All Day, Everyone!"

      hey, i like the sound of that. i think i'll have another heaping helping of steaming free speech.

  21. glamourdammerung

    Yes, you can not say "Merry Christmas" or the Black ACORN Panthers will come to your house and take you to the FEMA death camps.

    Massive teabagger (see what I did there?) melodrama fail. Again.

      1. glamourdammerung

        You must be with the "lamestream media" because my post clearly says "MUSLIMS, WIKILEAKS, BOO!" at least 56 million times.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    I so totally understand. There is nothing that gets me angrier than when someone refuses to say "Merry Christmas," and instead says something like "Happy Fourth of July," or "Happy Birthday."

  23. JoshuaNorton

    Fah who For-aze
    Dah who dor-aze
    Welcome Christmas
    Come this way!

    Fah who for-aze
    Dah who dor-aze
    Welcome Christmas
    Christmas Day!

    Welcome, welcome
    Fah who rah-moose
    Welcome,welcome
    Dah who dah-moose
    Christmas day is in our grasp
    So long as we have hands to clasp

    Fah who for-aze
    Dag who dor-aze
    Welcome Christmas
    Bring your cheer
    Fah who for-aze
    Dah who dor-aze
    Welcome all Who's
    Far and near

  24. fuflans

    no, no, i don't believe 'karran jo adkins suchomel' is anything other than a disease.

    or a diet pill.

  25. MarionNYNY

    That's right, the Jews won't allow you to say Merry Christmas. In fact, here in Jew York every holiday season one of the big Jewy Department stores has a huge parade in which some old fat white drunk is chosen to play the part of the Santa Baby Jeebus. He must wear a red coat and wave to the crowd. Then at the end we kill him, stuff him and eat him.

    1. transfatz

      Wow, that's a change since I lived in NY. Then we just let them go back to sleeping in a cardboard box over the subway grates. Must be that "gentrification".

  26. bureaucrap

    Perhaps we can all agree to wish each other a "Happy Marinara Day", commemorating the day when the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) emerged from his cauldron of boiling water, drained himself, anointed himself with aforementioned sauce, and began his flights around the universe, blessing all the good children of the universe with fragrant garlic breath.

  27. Ducksworthy

    Those who are praying (preying?) for the Rapture (Raptor?) are behind the Joos 100% and will be right up until the nuclear holocaust consumes them in a lake of fire. (Psst, Joos, I don't really think they have your best interests at heart. They want to rebuild the Temple of Solomon (so called) so Jeebus will come back and kill you all. You are not scheduled to be taken up in the Rapture or by the Raptor, I get confused with this kind of complex eschatological heresy.

  28. charlesdegoal

    Pope Julius invented Xmas in 350. Strangely enough, his chosen name is related to Yule, which coincides with but probably predates the Christian religious holiday by millennia, so it is not far fetched to hold that he was an agent of paganism.

  29. SilverFox

    Palin is being nice to Jewish folks for the same reason that she luuurrvs Israel – both are good for the Rapture.

    1. zappadoo76

      It's kinda sinister, isn't it? 'Cause all the Jews will go to hell for being Christ-killers. It's a set-up.

  30. GOPCrusher

    I'm beginning to think that it's no so much Bible Spice that I despise, but more the people like Karren Jo Adkins Suchomel that seem to apply the Savior Complex to people like Bible Spice. I got news for you Karren Jo, unless you're accessing Bible Spice's Facebook page from some dank, dark, dungeon where you are being held in chains against your will, beaten and tortured on a regular basis, then your feelings of oppression are misplaced.
    As are all these Xtians that seem to exhibiting this Persecution Complex and feel the need to hold Bible Spice as the all mighty Redeemer.
    I'm getting great joy from seeing the soul-crushing disappointment on their faces when I respond "Happy Holidays" when one of them wish me a Merry Xmas.
    These people are really beginning to piss me off.

  31. DashboardBuddha

    "Why can we say Happy Hanukkah but not Merry Christmas?"

    Ooo..ooh…I have the answer. It's because the Jews aren't nearly as big a dicks over what you say to them as they pocket the receipt for all of the useless crap they buy for the holidays.

  32. SorosBot

    Maybe Karron, besides being unable to spell her own name, is using father as short for forefather, and a believer in the Holy Blood Holy Grail conspiracy theory that thinks she's one of Jesus' direct descendants.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Do you really expect a teabagger to know anything about Jews other than "they killed Jesus"?

  33. marinmaven

    The children of Abraham are all in this dance of death with each other to bring on the end times. I say we ship them off with conventional weapons only to Australia go all mad max on each other and leave us alone. Aussies not into this can move to Ganjastan with to watch the fireworks with popcorn. Picking Australia because it has the best collection of poisonous and dangerous creatures to make survival more interesting. Oh, can't we?

  34. PublicLuxury

    Son-of-a-bitch. Syphilis Sarah is infecting the country, one winger at a time. Soon it will spread into the normal populace. When will that cunt go away?

  35. Wilcoxyz

    Can't wait till "Moses" goes up on the mountain and tweets the new commandments/amendments to us. Thou shalt drill, baby, will be no lower than third.

  36. anniegetyourfun

    You say "chipotle lard fritters" in a tone that makes me think that those could be anything OTHER than awesome.

  37. anniegetyourfun

    Well, we liberals might be winning the War on Christmas, but I can see that my proposed War Against Stupid hasn't been fully funded.

  38. Guppy06

    Moses? Oh, there is so much mileage you can get from that! Did the First Dude throw Trig's foreskin at her feet?

    Meh, she can't be Moses. Moses recognized that he sucked at public speaking, while Sarah just won't stop publishing.

    (Does that make her ghost-twitterer Aaron?)

  39. SorosBot

    If Sarah was like Moses, that would mean there was no evidence whatsoever that she actually existed, or that anything even resembling the events in her story ever happened. God I wish that was the case.

  40. BerkeleyBear

    From now on I'm wishing everyong a happy Sol Invictus' Day, since that was the cult Constantine co-opted when he decided December 25 was a good day for Christ to have been born in or around 312 AD.

    Merry Unvanquished Sun's Day, everyone. Especially you Christian fundies who don't even realize you are a bunch of pagan gods and graven image worshipping hypocrites.

    1. SorosBot

      But Emperor Aurelian was trying to co-opt Saturnalia with his favorite god's day when he created the feast; remember, Saturn is the reason for season!

      And the Christians weren't even being original with the whole holiday co-option thing.

    2. zhubajie

      "Constantine"! One of my favorite emperors, the only one to be both made a god and a saint! He wasn't too well-informed about Xty, and thought it had something to do with sun worship, which his family already did. Look at his coins, with him arm in arm with Sol Invictus!

    3. C_R_Eature

      Around this time of the year, I try to stop any nice Xtians I see in the parking lot to let them know that the Vulva Symbol on their enormous SUV's is on sideways. They hardly ever thank me.

  41. peaceshelly

    It's Festivus!!!!!!
    Now is the time for the airing of the grievances!!!!!!
    Now bend over Sarah, I have the perfect spot to anchor my Festivus Pole!!!

  42. zhubajie

    Sarah P's type Armegeddonite Prots only *pretend* to like Jews because they want a temple in Jerusalem with sacrifices, so the Anti-Christ can defile it, kill all the Jews (save 144, 000 converts to Xty), and start the war which will end with Jebus coming back. (There's a Rapture in there some place but the future historians can't agree where). When the Armegeddonites finally give up on this meshugas, they will undoubtedly blame the Israelis (and all other Jews) for not building that Temple!

  43. indecencycmdr

    if she's Moses then can she take Bristol to the top of Mt Sinai (and finish the job) and throw everyone else to the whale? Also, the one guy who had to do it w/ his daughters. Him too, also. Peace out home slices!

  44. bowedoak

    I saw a bunch last night and was surprised that the administrators didn't block them, I didn't think to screen shot them, but I am sure you can find them by name:
    "Jo-Ann Wulf I don't celebrate Hanukkah I'm a Christian which means I celebrate JESUS CHRIST"
    "Connie Wirtz: i didnt know u were of the jewish beliefs, doesnt mattter, so happy hanukkah"
    "Kevin Mcdonald: who cares about the damn holaday of anther county"

    "Traci Maria Gilmartin: You have to wonder about politicians who care more about another country than they do their own."
    "Steven Marandola: I pray that they will accept Jesus as Savior and Lord and becme completed Jews"
    (SIC-ALL)

  45. Fuck Toad

    The underlying sentiment behind "no that is Merry Christmas" and, really, a lot of War On Christmas!! whining is that Hanukkah is some kind of counterfeit Jew Christmas that decent Christians are forced to tolerate. It doesn't matter if they happen at different times; any acknowledgement of infidel holidays is an affront to the War-God, Christ.

  46. JackObin

    Has anyone actually seen Jesus' birf certificate? Until I see proof, I will continue to believe the whole thing was made up by mental defectives.

  47. mrblifil

    Wanna know the kicker? Throughout his whole short miserable life, Jesus never once celebrated Christmas. This is because he was a filthy Jew.

    1. SorosBot

      He was probably pissed about the holiday because his birthday was December 25, so he would have gotten that "this is for Christmas AND your birthday!" bullshit and gotten cheated on gifts.

    2. dyedwool

      My only regret is that I can only give one of my two thumbs to this superb comment. On the upside, I guess I'd be even more regretful if I had 3 or more thumbs. Like Trig.

  48. MilwaukeeKent

    Glad that their magic friend in the sky is still working out for them. It truly makes a difference to God if their football team wins. All he asks is an hour a week, you don't have to be Christian the rest of the time.

    Want to make a Republican smile? Starve a child.

  49. mumbly_joe

    I do kinda love that islamaphobic "how come all Muslims want to kill us, but Christians and Jews get along just fine, all the time?!" comment, and how it's sandwiched between two other commenters whining about how Sarah Palin isn't flipping off the Jews enough. Yeah, great point there, Sparky.

    It's weird- my Muslim co-workers haven't murder to kill me, ever- most of the time, they just wish me a Happy Holiday or Merry Christmas, and that's that. Of course, that might be because I do likewise for them on any Muslim holidays I'm aware of, instead of sputtering and cursing about how they're observing something that's not my religion, and not about me, me, MEEEE!!.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Ah, but you know they're secretly planning to kill us all, while they go about their lives seeming like normal human beings. I hear that some foolish liberals even believe that Muslims love their children, when in fact they only have kids so there'll be a steady supply of suicide bombers in the future.

  50. spiraloflife

    I personally enjoy:

    Jon Raborn Support our ally ISRIEL in the middle east and pray for peace. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas
    Friday at 7:42pm ·

  51. UW8316154

    I'm cool with Sarah saying Merry Christmas so long as she doesn't blow her shit when I say 'tard.

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