- Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Even prosecutors admit that this make-out session was consensual, and that the charges filed against Assange are embarrassing and dumb. Anyway, Julian Assange got to touch two different Swedish ladies at the same time, without using protection, and this puts U.S. diplomats in grave danger of contracting crotch rot or maybe even crabs. Arrest/Kill him! [Slate/Raw Story]
- The House censured Charlie Rangel. Meh. [National Journal]
- Meanwhile, House Democrats somehow managed to pass those tax cuts for the evil middle-class! Too bad this no-brainer will never, ever get through the Senate. [ABC News]
April 17, 2014
Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime
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