Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime

  it's morning in america

Julian Assange has unprotected sex with everyone, even this slutty sock monkey doll. This is why he must be stopped.

  • Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Even prosecutors admit that this make-out session was consensual, and that the charges filed against Assange are embarrassing and dumb. Anyway, Julian Assange got to touch two different Swedish ladies at the same time, without using protection, and this puts U.S. diplomats in grave danger of contracting crotch rot or maybe even crabs. Arrest/Kill him! [Slate/Raw Story]
  • The House censured Charlie Rangel. Meh. [National Journal]
  • Meanwhile, House Democrats somehow managed to pass those tax cuts for the evil middle-class! Too bad this no-brainer will never, ever get through the Senate. [ABC News]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

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164 comments

  1. GuyClinch

    Assange had sex with two Swedish chicks at the same time? I think his next leak might appear in Penthouse Forum.

    1. CapeClod

      The must be trying to delude themselves into thinking that they still have a vestige of their Viking heritage.

    1. Pop_Socket

      By the time Harry Reid is done the tax breaks for the ultra rich will stay and the middle class will be paying double. With friends like these, Obama doesn't need Republicans.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        There won't be any middle class. Jobs aren't keeping up and the rich don't work, they just make money by skimming off of us. Obama is a moderate Republican in deed, if not in speech. Just like Clinton. I betcha we're gonna find out O's been sleeping around, too, come the end of his term (2012).

          1. OneDollarJuana

            I'm not on the wrong website. I'm just so disappointed. Obama talks real pretty, and many good things have been done under his presidency. But key issues are being given away, not even fought for, even a little bit. If he'd just stand up for the 99% of us and point out how his administration is being thwarted on so many fronts, that would count for so much, but he gives away the farm on critical issues before the fight even begins. Just watch as this tax cut issue evolves. All the Dems and the White House have to do is nothing, and they will expire. But will they all compromise and extend the tax cuts for the rich instead of letting the Republicans take the blame? Let me know if I'm still a canard after it shakes out.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Right – because Clinton was all about massive investments in infrastructure, fiscal regulations, and actually getting shit done on healthcare instead. Oh, and DOMA and DADT were Obama's idea, apparently, rather than something that he's built the momentum to repeal to a point where the head of the armed forces are all but begging Congress to get with the program on DADT.

          And he ain't no playa, either. I have it on good authority that if he stepped out Michelle would both cut the bitch and beat him to a pulp. Why do you think her guns are so sculpted?

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Pelosi gets things done. So, even if the Dems lost the House, not the Senate, she is not the problem. Harry is.

      & about the Senate holding for the Dems: Reid was lucky that the crazy doesn't play as well in state-wide races as it does at the district-level.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        It has gotten to the point, it seems, that members of the House are generally so poorly known individually that you could run against Pelosi everywhere and people wouldn't think about the collective consequences of electing a group of psychos. Sort of like how people in Palestine elected Hamas to control Parliament and collectively went "What the fuck? You voted for Mad Abdul too?" the next day. Guess the good news is Boehner's such a fucking asshole and Cantor's such a weasal that the turn about should be pretty easy – especially if they keep pulling crap like this tax breaks for billionaires stuff.

        By comparison, Senate races are so obviously important and so breathlessly covered in the media that it is harder (but not impossible -see Paul, Rand) for the crazy to be victorious. The downside is that it might be impossible to root out the crazies already there regardless of their conduct – like Ensign and Vitter.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          My state's squishy progressive — he's got a little bit too much affection for Walnuts & Ham-biscuits — Feingold co-signs with your Rand Paul counterexample. Ron Johnson is just as simple-minded as the Son of Clod*, but, somehow, won. & 'Sconsin doesn't even have any gold. (Kentucky at least has Ft. Knox.)

          *Clod is Ron Paul, who begat Rand.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I think Amerrka needs a law like this. How about "it is rape if some hot person at a bar surprises you with a tongue kiss – and their breath smells like cigarettes/ass!!" We'll call it the Tic Tac Law. We could also have a law about manicures for men and pedicures for women – Lots of scurvy can hide under the dirty nails of some asshole, and I absolutely HATE chipped toenail polish on my bitches – It makes me feel violated!!1!!1

  2. deelzebub

    If it was consensual, why didn't the ladies tell him to wear protection before he touched them? It seems like this is as much on them as it is him, unless they were into BDSM and consensually tied up and blindfolded, in which case this is a even sexier scandal than we have been led to believe.

    1. stonemirror

      Reportedly, both did, as a condition of saying yes. When Assange's condom broke in one case, he refused to stop when asked. In the other case, when he was asked to wear a condom, he declined and apparently insisted on having sex with the woman involved anyway.

      That'd seem to explain the "rape","sexual molestation" and "unlawful coercion" charges against Assange mentioned in the Swedish Supreme Court's statement on why they're letting the arrest order stand.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Apparently, if the lady asks even once and the condom thing does not happen but consensual sex does, then it is still rape.

      Note to self, do not visit Sweden . . . too complicated for drunken sex . . .

  3. OneYieldRegular

    This story is starting to make my 1976 betamax copy of "Swinging Swedish Stewardesses" seem terribly out of date.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      What exactly is "swinging" about these stewardesses? Are their lifestyles swinging or are certain parts of their bodies swinging?

      This is Wonkette. It could go either way.

  4. ph7

    Assange has been charged with something called 'sex by surprise,' which reportedly carries a $715 fine

    I'm surprised every time I have sex. And sometimes it has cost me more than $715.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          When that first came out on VHS, not knowing the 'surprise' in that one, I rented it to watch with my girlfriend (now wife) and her somewhat uptight Catholic parents whom I had just met.

          Awkward!

  5. SorosBot

    Man, these government attempts to harass people who are pissing them off just ain't as good as they used to be. If Nixon and Hoover were still around, then Assange would see some real trouble.

  6. weejee

    I yesterday's Senate Armed Services Committee, Walnutz McShame butted heads with Sec. Gates over DADT. Whatever reputation McCain may have had appears to be wikileaking worse that Assange's rubber.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        "Pretend"? I'm sure any of us commenters — the males, at least (don't know if Megz enjoys shopping at Bi-Curios (the top antique spot in Scottsdale, Arizona)) — could happen into her local & three (or fewer) drinks in her have her.

  7. el_chupacabra

    i wish the time i gave a pair of ladies two rounds of loving were international news. That would rule.

    1. bagofmice

      Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million secrets?
      Julian: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
      Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million secrets, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Peter: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

      Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.

      Peter: Well, not all chicks.

      Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Yeah, I don't get this "you can touch me with your cock, but not your fingers" bit. I guess it's because they didn't know where his fingers had been, but had a good guess the likely places his cock had been.

    2. ttommyunger

      Maybe they were so drunk/unattractive/stoned/misshapen they were surprised he took them up on it. I've surprised myself a time or two.

      1. PsycWench

        17 years in a couple of weeks, thus the "surprise" element of sex. And I had no idea the price had risen so. I had been perfectly happy with coffee in bed.

    1. widestanceroman

      Yes, it's been implanted deeply now, but I thwart its powers by changing it to 'Take These Pants Off Me.'

  8. trampndirtdown

    Sort of on topic, I read at Lawyers,Guns,and Money that non wikileaking reporting indicates the good ole USA performed medical experiments on Gitmo detainees.
    How very German of them.

  9. mereoblivion

    That zombie with a face made out of library paste got to have a menage a trois? And both of the others were female? Sweden's much more deeply weird than I suspected.

  10. glindsey1979

    The instant the vote in the Senate fails, every single press release, every headline from the Democrats should be "BOEHNER VOTES TO RAISE TAXES ON MIDDLE CLASS".

    It's time to start matching the Republicunts propaganda point for propaganda point.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Problem is, something like Politifact will assign Democratic propaganda a "PANTS ON FIRE" designation.

      Stretching the truth is OK… if you're a Republican. & only then.

  11. widestanceroman

    Assange's arrest warrant: It's an issue of lies, it's an issue of lies

    (prolly kinda too early for Bergman references)

  12. JoshuaNorton

    Interpol also has an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. If the USofA insists that Julian Assange gets handed over, how are they going to wriggle out of arresting Darth Cheney as well?

    'splain that one to me…

    1. GOPCrusher

      For once, it's Friday and I can't wait for Sunday morning to get here. If there is a Gawd, I pray that Liz Cheney is on the Faux Noise Sunday forum and the question of Dick Cheney's Nigerian indictment comes up.

  13. prommie

    I think there is a translation issue here, and "surprise" really should be translated as "deceit," as in "unprotected sex by deceit." Nowhere does the story say he did them both at the same time, it says he had a sexual relationship with two girls at the same time, but they each believed they had an exclusive. Therefore, their agreement to have unprotected sex was induced by his lying about his not fucking anyone else and thus increasing their risk. This does seem to be the "gravamen" of the offense (I got out my Bristol Palin legal thesaurus for that one). It makes sense, if interpreted this way, but its a bit persnickety, as far as making this a criminal offense. What else is illegal in Sweden? Breach of Promise not to come in your mouth?

    Today, we are all Swedish Rapists!

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Imagine working the desk down at the precinct when all those guys and gals show up with their mouths full of cum, preserving the evidence in order to file charges. Goddam you make me laugh.

      1. prommie

        Ah, your scenario just gives it that push right over the edge and made me laugh out loud, you turned it up to 11!

    2. BerkeleyBear

      It's the downside of living in a state that actually has actually tried to embrace that whole "gender equality" thing in reality and not just with pretty words. It strikes me as odd, but I'm a repressed American who expects to have to lie about something to get laid.

      Oh, and we do have similar crimes here, we just require you to have a disease already and lie about it.

      1. prommie

        Assumption of the risk! Or should I say, "coming to the nuisance?" Law school jokes here, people, 1-L pomposity, it never leaves ya, not even 30 years on.

    3. MiniMencken

      Yes, in Sweden it is also a crime to not telephone the woman the next day to say how special it all was and/or to not send a bouquet of pickled herrings.

    4. SorosBot

      The thing is, rape by deceit is something that only applies in a few very limited cases, like if someone pretends to be someone's spouse / significant other to have sex with them (so yeah, Revenge of the Nerds featured the hero committing rape) or has sex knowing they had HIV but doesn't tell them. Or, if you're in Israel, is a Muslim and has sex with a Jew but doesn't say so. This is really stretching the definition, and more in line with the Israeli case but with less racism and more conspiracy-ness.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Israel has anti-miscegenation (I know, it's not miscegenation, by the classic definition, since Arab Muslims & Jewish, well, Jews (let's just call 'em Heebs?) are Semites, but, to simplify…) laws?

        The fuck!?

        1. SorosBot

          It's shocking to Israel acting racist towards Palestinians, unlike those other times every single day since it was founded.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    What?! No posts on the torching of Israel?

    I really don't see why it's such big deal, either. They've had lots of experience dealing with burning bushes.

  15. JoshuaNorton

    "Anyway, Julian Assange got to touch two different Swedish ladies at the same time, without using protection,"

    How does any of this stand up to scrutiny if he's supposedly "teh ghey" like Walnuts and Tony Perkins keep insisting?

    1. ttommyunger

      Senator Crankypants and Tony "The Merkin" Perkins are waaay too interested on what other men do with their dicks, no? Just sayin.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Riley, I love you more than Andy Breitbart ever could, but Oh My Fucking God I could Avada Kedavra your ass so bad for posting that PSA. For real for real for real.

    *stomps off to find a gallon of brain bleach*

  17. Bluestatelibel

    Maybe it's just me, but I have a feeling this charge would be laughed out of a U.S. court. But suddenly Assange needs to be hunted down for it.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        All he ever really wanted was to be an H-VAC salesman. But God had other plans for Joseph Mc Carthy.

  18. hagajim

    Interpol is looking for the cadavar for "sex by surprise"…really? Don't they have better things to do (like arrest the banker fucks that threw the world into a perpetual recession)….I'd call that a little more serious, maybe Assange ought to pay his $715 fine and be done with it.

  19. Eve8Apples

    There is an arrest warrant for a guy whose only crime is consensually fingerbanging a couple of Swedish ladies, but the sadistic idiot who launched an unnecessary war killing countless innocent people is on top of the NY Times bestseller list.

    1. SorosBot

      Cheer though, there is an arrest warrant for the guy who was pulling his strings, even though it has nothing to do with his war crimes.

  20. BklynIlluminati

    First time i ever heard of a man pulling the goalie….but he is still a douche for heaping wikipagesix.con on us.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I miss Photoshoppe Phriday.

      I still guffaw over the "replace film title on movie-poster with band name" one (April '03?). X became Godspeed You! Black Emperor, 8 Mile was N.E.R.D., &, in the piece d' resistance, The Preacher's Wife is forevermore Black Sabbath.

      1. SorosBot

        They still do it, but it's become less "funny" and more "let's all show off our photoshop skills!" these days.

  21. Dr_pangloss

    Wait what a consentual finger ban sans condoms is rape? WTF? Then again according to the god botherers a consentual fingerbang sans marriage (unless you are raping the evil tribe next door) is a hellfire for eternity offense. So in balance I'll go with the Swedish Court.

    1. realmurkin

      I was unaware that finger banging with condoms was a thing, much less something requiring a law in its defense.

  22. MiniMencken

    I haven't heard lines voiced as badly as Bristol Palin's since since I brought home a VHS tape from the bargain bin at an adult video shoppe twenty years ago.

  23. Chet Kincaid

    Here are my favorite congressional censures/reprimands from the linky:

    1990 – Rep. Barney Frank (Massachusetts): Personal residence was used for prostitution by third parties, had improper contacts with probation office on behalf of personal assistant, improperly dismissed assistant’s parking tickets, and sexual activity in the House gymnasium; reprimanded, 408-18 (July 26, 1990)

    1866 – Rep. Lovell H. Rousseau (Kentucky): Assaulted Rep. Josiah Grinnell of Iowa with a cane outside the Capitol for alleged insult spoken in debate (June 14, 1866); censured, 89-30 (July 17, 1866); resigned (July 21, 1866), but reelected

    1921 – Rep. Thomas L. Blanton (Texas): Inserted a document into the Congressional Record containing indecent and obscene language (October 22, 1921); censured 293-0 (October 27, 1921); apologized (October 28, 1921)

    1983 – Rep. Gerry Studds (Massachusetts): Had a sexual relationship with 17-year-old male House page in 1973; House rejected reprimand recommendation, 289-136; censured, 421-3 (July 20, 1983)

    Good times!

      1. Oblios_Cap

        While a member of the House of Representatives of the Sixty-seventh Congress, Blanton inserted into the Congressional Record a letter purporting to have been written by one Millard French, a non-union printer, to "George H. Carter, Public Printer"; the letter recited a conversation reported to have occurred between French and a printer named Levi Huber who belonged to the union. The letter was said to contain language that was "unspeakable, vile, foul, filthy, profane, blasphemous and obscene", in the words of Representative Franklin Mondell, and the House voted to expunge the letter from the Congressional Record, on a vote of 313 to 1.

        The letter itself was an affidavit sent by an employee of the Public Printer on September 3, 1921, and relates to the Government Printing Office. A selection of the letter, which relates what Levi Huber, the corrector of revises, said to the employee:

        "G__d D___n your black heart, you ought to have it torn out of you, you u____ s_____ of a b_____. You and the Public Printer has no sense. You k_____ his a____ and he is a d_____d fool for letting you do it."

        1. Terry

          I have to admit that the Government Printing Office has driven me to that sort of language, myself. Horrible office, inefficient, they lose stuff, rude.

  24. run_said_ran

    Let this be a lesson to you, Assange. No two acronyms are alike:

    USFB = scary Commie surprise sex
    USFBWSP (with ‘Situational’ protection) = clean fun as non-urban Jeebus intended

    Also, never trust any acronym leaked from LNS, also.

  25. gurukalehuru

    The cool thing about this Assange story is that, lame as the charge is, that's all they've got. If they had any serious charges, you can bet you're sweet ass they'd have brought them by now.

    1. inedal

      assange is a very popular guy among the lefty chicks here in sweden. (i live in stockholm and know the scene very well).
      he has no need to surprise any chicks with sex, he could get as much as he wants anytime. this is sweden, hey, land of sex and sin.

  26. ttommyunger

    Sex by surprise! Hell yeah! Just about everybody is as surprised as shit that one female would allow him any access at all to her love-muffin, much less TWO! Surprised! I'm fucking astonished! The fact that this liver-lipped wimp could even get a sniff says a whole lot about the available crop of eligible males in Sweden. Jesus, those women must be climbing the walls.

  27. SorosBot

    If I recall correctly, I think in the case he didn't even lie; he just passed for a Jew and didn't say he was a Muslim.

    So it's like if a light-skinned black guy who passed were convicted of raping after consensual sex with a white women, and it wouldn't surprise me if that has happened back in day in America.

  28. lulzmonger

    Wow. Dude that looks like 80% skim milk & 20% Deliverance banjo-boy has a "sex by surprise" three-way, & soon I get to have another hot date with Thelma Thumb & her four fugly sisters.

    Fuck you, universe, Fuck YOU.

    1. doloras

      Yeah, but when was the last time YOU caused mayhem, drama and lulz affecting the entire diplomatic corps of the Evil Empire? Dude has EARNED all the pussy he can fingerbang.

  29. stonemirror

    Hm. The official statement from the Swedish Supreme Court seems to suggest something rather different, Riley.

    "Julian Assange has been [ordered] detained in his absence charged with rape, sexual molestation and unlawful coercion. Mr Assange had appealed the detention decision issued by Svea Court of Appeal." (My emphasis.)

    From what I've read, in one of the two cases, consent was initially granted, but when Mr. Assange's condom broke, he refused to stop. In the other, after consent was granted, it was withdrawn when Mr. Assange refused to wear a condom at all. Mr. Assange reported "insisted" on having unprotected sex in spite of that.

    Additionally, when he was asked to take an STD test—since it was apparent he was having sex with a bunch of women, and didn't like to use condoms, this doesn't seem unreasonable—and he refused to do so.

    That's a little different than this "sex by surprise" thing, which seems to be a complete invention of Assange's legal team, swallowed hook, line and sinker. The apparent origin of this version of the story is a James Catlin, one of Assange's lawyers.

    It's interesting how little it takes to turn rape back into a "let-blame-the-alleged-victims" joke.

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