books are now only written by people who can't write books

Christine O’Donnell To Bless America With Insightful (Hilarious) Book

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Life After Twitter.
If we’re reading this correctly, the 2010 midterm elections just signed a book deal! Congrats, midterms! You deserve it.

O’Donnell’s book will take the reader behind the scenes of her race for the Senate, and embody O’Donnell’s identification with America’s frustrations and concerns with the current political climate. According to O’Donnell, “The 2010 midterm elections were just the beginning—the first rumblings of a revolution that has not fully erupted. I plan on making my book one of the revolution’s catalysts.”

Yes, O’Donnell rubbed this nation, but it didn’t erupt. And a book about how she lived off campaign credit cards to buy food and shelter for the past few years definitely sounds like the way to initiate a coup d’etat against the most powerful government on the planet.

Oh, and pubic hair. [Twitter/National Review]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Buzz Feedback

    There'd better be some scratch 'n sniff pages.

    • WarAndGee

      Why did your comment make me think "also some Nair®?"

      • OneDollarJuana

        Slightly OT, but when I was a young pup, smitten by my gf to the point of submission, she got me to put Nair® on my beard as an experiment. An experiment in domination, I think, because it burned liked mad! Those teenage hormones will make you do the craziest things…

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, today, we really are all masturbating witches?

    • SophistFCD

      Is one out of two close enough?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I would accept masturbating to or with witches.

        • SophistFCD

          Done and done.

          And I mean done.

    • NYNYNY

      I believe the correct (non) answer is:

      You know who Else was a masturbating witch? Also.

    • NYNYNY

      The Virgin Mary

    • bagofmice

      Wicked!

    • arcane_allusion

      No, we are masturbating witches everyday.

      • BarryOPotter

        Hey, whatever pays the bills, bro. Whatever pays the bills…

  • glindsey1979

    She's well-qualified to speak for America, having won that election and all.

    • johnnymeatworth

      I hope she has enough crayons to write a whole book….

    • transfatz

      Of course. All that vote counting stuff is really just "spin".

    • horsedreamer_1

      You know why she lost?

      VOTER FRAUD.

  • slappypaddy

    copiously illustrated?

    i want to see the sequence of the hymen growing back.

    • Gopherit

      That'll be a hell of a pop-up book.

      • elviouslyqueer

        In Smell-O-Vision, courtesy of Summer's Eve and Gorton's Fish Sticks.

    • natoslug

      I think you misread that — she promised it would be copraphagically illustrated. So yet another shitty book by a screeching nobody.

    • bagofmice

      She had the hymen that always grew back, until it grew over her face like slap she deserved…

    • the_problem_child

      Sorry, need stem cells for that.

  • PublicLuxury

    She needs to rub harder and faster if she wants it to errupt.

  • MinAgain

    “The 2010 midterm elections were just the beginning—the first rumblings of a revolution that has not fully erupted. I plan on making my book one of the revolution’s catalysts.”

    I smell a pop-up book!

    • smokefilledroommate

      Boing!!

    • bitchincamaro2

      I smell kindling!

  • PublicLuxury

    It could reveal her first trip to the spa where she received her first international brazilian.

    • http://iwastoldtheredbeponies.wordpress.com kittylittr

      Like that's ever happened.

      • V572625694

        Really. We have testimony to the contrary.

      • jus_wonderin

        I believe the plan is to let it grow, then donate the harvest to "Thatch Roofs for the Third World".

        • genxr

          Or RealDolls Conservative Womein in Power Series

        • PublicLuxury

          Snatch roofs would be more appropriate. Just 'cause they're poor, they don't hafta be exposed to substandard bush.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Refresh me — how many is a brazillion?

      • BarryOPotter

        'bout a donna

    • mrpuma2u

      Or as the Spa workers later referred to it, the shearing of the black sheep.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Still, O'Donnell has a point, if insane grifters like her or Sarah Palin cannot get elected, what does that say about this great country, or the hopes for a Republican Majority?

    Thank God the Democrats have no balls.

    • chickensmack

      Thanks. I think I shall now go and slit my wrists.

  • Crank_Tango

    This is kinda like how the tire fire is the only thing holding back the coal ash pile…I'm not sure how, but I'm also not sure how a revolution is an eruption either.

  • lochnessmonster

    Okay, who is running that publishing house and what did they take before they signed her?

    • jus_wonderin

      It has to be some good stuff.

    • V572625694

      Well, they turned down a novel of mine twenty-some years ago, so they obviously have terrible taste.

      • Amaravilha

        After reading that first sentence, I'm willing to believe that they have neither taste nor editors. Perhaps their monkeys use the same thesaurus Bristol relies upon.

      • lochnessmonster

        OR Very bad drugs…

    • neiltheblaze

      CPA classes.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Accio cash flow!

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    In marginally Xtine-related news, my P is back up today.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      My P is still small and deflated — spent, as it were.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        And no matter how hard Xtine rubs it, it's not coming back up.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I guess she won't be getting a real job anytime soon..

  • Barbara_i

    There will probably be a whole chapter dedicated to her love for Sarah Palin and how she felt when Palin accepted her into political society, AKA Facebbok and how she felt all tingly in her naughties when Sarah posted a Hello Kitty on her wall.

    • edgydrifter

      The dedication page will be to (pick one):
      A) Jesus
      B) Sarah Palin
      C) Puddingcup the Xtian Rokker
      D) America

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        With a forward by Ronald Reagan.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Christine calls her vibrator 'Horse with no name'.

        • GOPCrusher

          Masturbation for America

    • SophistFCD

      Have you ever seen a herd of Facebbok leaping across the veldt at dawn? It's truly a breathtaking sight.

      • Extemporanus

        I liked your Boer-ish comment so much that I just poked you to death on Facebiko.

  • SorosBot

    Get a good ghost writer to polish things up and an inside look at the O'Donnell campaign could become required reading for Senate candidates to learn what not to do unless you want to be a miserable failure and nationwide laughingstock.

    • Radiotherapy

      You said an inside look at the O'Donnell. How ungroomed of you.

    • PsycWench

      How did you manage to hold onto your pee score when the rest of us have seen ours toppling?

  • forgracie

    You guys didn't really expect her to go get a job now did you?

    • christianmuslin

      Her goal is to be Sarah Palin's speech writer, it's in the bible in the chapter after self abuse.

  • Gopherit

    Is this the first step before being made a fox news analyst?

    • Negropolis

      Si. And, it's two whole steps before you get your first reality show on cable television.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      I believe this would be the second step, the one usually filled with question marks.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    In all fairness, can I be terribly unqualified for a job and make millions off of a book and rambling foolishly on Fox News? Hell, I'm barely competent as it is, and I don't come close to making a million.

  • genxr

    The plot has a few tangles and needs to be trimmed up a bit.

  • WarAndGee

    Yes lets dwell on the past for 240 pages, revise history, and then move on because what we say or did in the past doesn't matter.

    Goofy Wing Nutters, always with the paradox.

    It used be they would wait a day or two before contradicting themselves now they just do it in the same sentence, shamelessly, in front of millions.

    • GOPCrusher

      Obviously, you just take them out of context.

    • horsedreamer_1

      History is written by the winners.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      "Shamelessly"

      Ha ha! You almost make it sound like they actually could be shamed, ever.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Say It Proud — I'm Celibate and I'm Loud.

    • SorosBot

      But if you were celibate and refused to even masturbate, how would you know if you were loud?

  • BeWoot

    Hmmm. St. Martin's used to be a fine house, noted for beautiful books and really good authors. Gone are the days.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Lately they are more likely to publish the likes of Dan Brown, Jackie Collins, Stephen Cannell, and Janet Evanovich, the author of America's best-selling detective novels featuring bad jokes and one syllable words.

  • Beowoof

    I am hoping for pics of that old school bush. Yowza.

  • x111e7thst

    So setting the record straight and moving forward is the new not quitting by quitting. But this time with more pubic hair.

    • DaSandman

      As big as home plate. Rumors has it they filmed "Lost" down there.

      Batter up!

      • genxr

        Smells like dead fish going with the flow

  • jakegittes

    Goddammit. That's it. I'm going to run for some unattainable office so that after I lose in a landslide, I can write a fucking book that makes the bestseller lists and the book tables at Costco and makes me a million dollars. So, please, in the next election, please mark your ballots for jakegittes for secretary general of the U.N.

    I thank you.

    • ttommyunger

      You've got my vote, Jake, I don't care what you run for.

    • Radiotherapy

      You could take a mustache ride with John Bolton too.
      jakegittes in '12

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Title: How to Snatch Defeat From the Lips of Victory In Ten Weeks

    • ttommyunger

      Snatch, lips, heh,heh.

    • Steverino247

      Are you saying she's a cock-tease? Hope so!

  • CapeClod

    I guess there will always be an audience for a geek show.

    • Beowoof

      PT Barnum is gleefully yelling from hell "I told you so"

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    A chapter with her version of the blissful night with the 25 year old Philadelphia man?

  • SexySmurf

    Three ways Christine is like Karl Marx:

    1. About as politically relevant.
    2. Says shit like "I plan on making my book one of the revolution’s catalysts."
    3. Has a big, bushy beard (except Christine's isn't on her face).

    • doloras

      Damn right. Karl Marx, who claimed that capitalism was heading for a huge breakdown because capitalists act stupid in search of short-term profit and rip off the workers to the point where they can't buy the goods they produce themselves, is clearly totally irrelevant in 2010.

      • AddHomonym

        Sing it sister! And don't even get me started on the fetishism of commodity! Or any kind of fetishism really. You appear to be into it, maybe?

      • horsedreamer_1

        I cannot take Marx seriously, considering the prodigiousness of his beard. Were he true to his word, he would have trimmed it, allowing all parties to share in the means of mustache-riding.

        • real_dc_native

          Marx was a great economist but a lousy political scientist. We are witnessing the collapse of capitalism as he predicted but the workers' revolution was a failure.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Title?

    The Chronicles of 'Tardia: The Hymen, the Witch and the Hairy Bush Robe.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      "Not Dirty, Not Sexy Politics".

  • jim89048

    Charlie Rangel died will be censured for her right to spew bullshit…

  • Extemporanus

    If the clit-flickin' Wiccan's book floats, does that mean we get to burn it?

    • DoktorZoom

      She hasn't turned into a Newt, though.

  • Lucidamente1

    Will the e-book edition make my Kindle vibrate?

  • edgydrifter

    I'm not sure how St. Martin's plans to profit from a book that will literally travel along a conveyor belt from the presses to a dumpster behind their facility. That's an interesting business model.

    • problemwithcaring

      Coming soon to a 99 cent store near you!

    • slappypaddy

      publishing as a tax shelter for the german conglomerate (name unpronounceable) that owns the publishing house. and other publishing houses.

    • Steverino247

      I think they're relying on the P.T. Barnum business model…

    • lumpenprole

      They do all kinds of shit with corn. Surely this book could be repurposed with a little subsidized ingenuity.

    • horsedreamer_1

      It's the Right's answer to The Washingtonienne.

      (Granted, Jessi Cutler worked for Mike Dewine's office, & is prolly a Republican herself (thus, teh buttsecks, & whoring), but our WAR-BLOGGING Wonkette broke the story. So, RINO. QED.)

    • real_dc_native

      Works for Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics.

  • GOPCrusher

    Will this book include some of her favorite recipes that use eye of newt?

  • Boredw/Gravity

    Xtine is publishing her diary? I wish it was in time for the gift-giving season. My family could use the laffs.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    She's like a drug that makes you feel like you have a Frenemy.

  • Tigersmistress

    I am approaching MTV for a new Reallity Show. "Real World Retards" I believe I have my latest house member. Thank you, Christine.

  • slithytovesss

    Wow. Sadness. Nobody is going to buy that book. Nobody. Christine just doesn't have the the PAC to buy up copies, and Palin's ghostwriter is busy writing Cliff Notes on de Tocqueville for Sara's inevitable gotcha journalism attack by the lamestream media.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm expecting at least five chapters on what it takes to love a man with a pudding-cup beard.

    • realmurkin

      I'm guessing the ability to shut one's eyes reeeeaaaally tight.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pudding-cup beard = pudding ring = chocolate-coloured goatee?

      Chuck Todd was banging Christine O'Donnell (before he was married to someone else)?

  • nike2422

    And here I am, having to query and requery agents, while her name gets a green light for a ghost writer.

    • slappypaddy

      you need a platform. she has a platform. and a short shelf-life. st. martin's knows the time to cash in is now. six months from now she will be so rancid.

      • nike2422

        My platform: Everything she's against.

        Plus I'm a fiction writer, completely different animal.

        • slappypaddy

          she's writing nonfiction?

          • nike2422

            Hahaha! No, the ghostwriter is! But yes, poor them, having to sift through the muck that is the fantasy world she's created for herself.

        • Angry_Marmot

          I feel your pain. Every time a celebrity signs a book deal, a hundred midlist authors lose their wings.

    • HistoriCat

      You should try running for Congress then.

  • problemwithcaring

    Book deals are a good way to move on. This is why I am still stalking my ex-boyfriend.

    You can put a stop to this any time you want, Harper Collins.

    • V572625694

      The bastard. Who's he boinking? Is she hot?

      See how easy this is?

  • CapnFatback

    We'll FINALLY get step-by-step diagrams of that masturbation stance.

  • ttommyunger

    Wonketeers are seeing an unusual amount of Chicken Crap today. I can't wait to see which color Crayon she will use for her book. Hoping for Orange, I think you know why…

  • hagajim

    Oh goody – another fame whore in the mama grizzly mold. Here is my spin on the 2010 midterms Christine….you got your ass handed to you. Maybe I ought to act like a total maniac and run for public office so I can get a book deal….Jesus!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Those who can't, write.

  • Neilist

    Clearly, this is a definition of "book" previously unknown to Science and/or Western Culture.

  • JoshuaNorton

    "I plan on making my book one of the revolution’s catalysts"

    I just don't know what to say… or how to make fun of this. It's like a parody of itself.

    • GOPCrusher

      You know who else used their book as a catalyst for a revolution.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    When did St. Martin's start their "Books for People Who Can't Read" imprint?

    • comrad_darkness

      It's the biggest growth sector, you have to admit.

  • Terry

    I wonder if she'll use the same ghost writer as Palin?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    If anyone needs me I'll be in a padded cell with a bottle of whiskey and the twenty or so rejection letters literary agents have sent me over the last few months.

    • fuflans

      i feel your pain everytime i see numbers for reality shows.

  • VinnyThePooh

    I thought she only worked with scrolls.

  • Steverino247

    This shit reminds me of a scene of that great Peter Sellers movie Being There. The part where the retired maid is bitching to her friends:

    Louise: It's for sure a white man's world in America. Look here: I raised that boy since he was the size of a piss-ant. And I'll say right now, he never learned to read and write. No, sir. Had no brains at all. Was stuffed with rice pudding between th' ears. Shortchanged by the Lord, and dumb as a jackass. Look at him now! Yes, sir, all you've gotta be is white in America, to get whatever you want. Gobbledy-gook!

    Well, white and female, in the case of Sarah Palin and this idiot.

    • problemwithcaring

      Well, white and female not afraid to show a little cleavage for freedumz, in the case of Sarah Palin and this idiot.

      Fixed it for you

      • Steverino247

        Thanks. I left out the cleavage and "fuck me" pumps because this is a family-friendly website.

        Oh, wait!

  • petehammer

    Why is it Republicans dismiss "Climate Change," a real, tangible thing, as a hoax but continue to trot out the intangible "Political Climate"? "

    "We firmly believe in this collection of meaningless words but doubt this collection of words with a very particular meaning."

  • user-of-owls

    And to think that people are getting tenure for trying to answer the question, "Why don't Americans read?"

  • comrad_darkness

    Hm, note to self, St. Martin's press publishing crap. Never buy . . .
    Added: submit maybe?

  • comrad_darkness

    Hint, you need to have a record in need of straightening. The voices in your head cannot co-sign onto this process.

  • MistaEko

    This is going to be like that book Madonna came out with in the early 90s, right?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Failure sure is profitable. I must reexamine my life.

    • FNMA

      I must be doing it wrong. All I ever got were lawyer bills.

  • samsuncle

    The working title for her book is "I'm eeew!"

  • JoshuaNorton

    Between this little tome and the drek Palin is churning out, the mark down bin at Barnes & Noble is in danger of ending up as a hazmat site.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Will she be borrowing Bristol's thesaurus?

  • BklynIlluminati

    Did Vegas set the odds on pop-up vs. non pop-up? I want some of that action

  • OneDollarJuana

    That Xtine O'Donnell's a real canard.

  • Redhead

    How do these people sell books when their supporters can't read?

  • fuflans

    bachmann, palins, o'donnell. right in a row.

    it's the republican crazy girl group.

    without any talent also.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    You'd call that a book? Gutenberg's rolling over his grave.

    • SophistFCD

      I didn't know Steve Gutenberg was dead.

      • GOPCrusher

        Just his career.

  • http://wonkette.com refudiatedness

    I'm glad COD's book will come out next year because the last of my unemployment benefits are already set aside for a copy of Sarah Palin's Ulysses.

  • obfuscator2

    ironically, writing this book will be the ultimate form of empty self-gratification.

  • user-of-owls

    She could do worse than to title the thing: "If I Did It"

  • realmurkin

    She's going to set the record straight: "Iz a lye, mai pubez r totes awsum!"

  • user-of-owls

    Possible ghost writers:

    -Samantha
    -Sabrina the Teenage Witch
    -W.W. of the East
    -Tituba

    • run_said_ran

      … with a Foreword by Jesus H. Christ.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She is a gnat. Her 15 minutes–more like 10–is up. Another legitimate publisher will lose another of their shirts on another lame ass book that no one will buy. Meanwhile, they will make up their losses by kicking a midlist author they barely pay, as is, into oblivion.

    {Gah. Just saw the Coburn face hair someone asked me about. It doesn't help, Spooky Doktor Tom}

  • DustBowlBlues

    Please, wonkette gods, please do a post tomorrow about Gates' smackdown of John (7-1/2 years!) McCain. I listened to it on NPR, and you didn't need video to see the veins pulsing in Gates' temples. He made Mullen's treatment of Sen. McCain (R-Douchebagistan) look namby pamby.

    It was a sweet, sweet moment. Nitey, losers. Gotta' run.

    • DoktorZoom

      Nice video here: http://pushingrope.blogspot.com/2010/12/mullen-ga

      Hell, I think Gates is worth quoting in full:

      And with respect to polling the services… I didn't spend a career in the military, but I read a lot of history. I can't think of a single precedent in American history of doing a referendum of the American armed forces on a policy issue. Are you gonna ask them if they want 15 month tours? You gonna ask them if they want to be part of the surge in Iraq? That's not the way our civilian-led military has ever worked in our entire history.

      • real_dc_native

        Yeah, I don't remember reading about Harry Trueman doing a poll about racial integration, or a poll about women flying helicopters. Why now?

  • Pizzapotomus

    I only hope she plans to approach this Kenny Powers-style:

    No writing, just spoken words. The old-fashioned way.

  • neiltheblaze

    St. Martin's? Jesus. I remember when they had standards. It was long ago – but this is just sad.

  • DaSandman

    Say hello to the retard's "Mein Kampf"

    • DoktorZoom

      Mein Hairy Kumpt, maybe.

  • deleted2693485

    Jokes about witches, masturbation and pubic hair aside; could there be any greater testament to the profound and likely terminal sickness of American society? In what remotely sane society would this person secure a book deal? How deranged would someone have to be to purchase it? How is this possible? (Forgive the lack of "snark").

  • zhubajie

    Is there an Ignobel Prize for literature.

    • real_dc_native

      Yes, last year:
      Ireland's police service (An Garda Siochana), for writing and presenting more than fifty traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country — Prawo Jazdy — whose name in Polish means "Driving License".

  • zappadoo76

    Christine O'Donnell: From White Trash To Riches, by Christine O'Donnell.

  • Raskolnikova

    All I want to know is when she plans on devirginizing herself!

  • marionetta

    Same publisher for Jackie Collins' books.

    Gotta have some sex in it.

  • transfatz

    "embody O’Donnell’s identification with America’s frustrations"
    Says it all.

  • SwanSwanH

    I saw this book when it was a movie called "Single White Female."

  • Mindblank

    Since when is a series of 'tweets' a book?

  • mavenmaven

    She signed the deal now, but it will take her 15 years to finish it. However, in the interim, she will write a one page assignment off campus at Oxford, at which point she will be an Oxford published writer so la dee da.

  • MoeDeLawn

    As a lawn-mowing savant, I offer my ghostwriting services.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    How does Christine O'Donnell sign a book deal–with an (x) or with a paw print?

  • run_said_ran

    Expect a foreword by Jesus H. Christ, the likes of which will be translated by Kirk Cameron.

  • Gorillionaire

    A book deal, eh? What the fuck does it take for a wingnut to get discredited in this country?

  • lulzmonger

    A Sale Of Two Titties

  • zhubajie

    St. Martin was famous for giving his clothes to beggers. Is Xtine the Cherry Girl going to be equally generous?

  • JackObin

    Someone needs to let Christine know that a revolution requires one to put down the press-on nails and get off the couch.

  • KochFembot

    I think St. Martin's is just hoping to get some of that sweet sweet nectar of wingnut welfare where books are bought by the truckload and the title shoots up the best seller list. Joke's on them because that ain't happening with O'Donnell's book. Who does she think she is, Sarah Palin?

    Oh, right.